CHAPTER TWELVE: CONFESSIONS OF THE SOUL

This is the end of our story. I appreciate ALL the reviews. I have tried very hard to put myself in Kitty and Matt's feelings and emotions. It has taken time, a lot of help, and my thanks to UD and Scott for your input and participation. Thanks to Sharon and Nadine for being my saloon girls. Many thanks to Andrea for the excellent editing and additions. Few of us have been in perfect relationships and had doubts and disappointments. My parents came the closest of people I knew who were true soulmates. Our life experiences color how we react in difficult situations. I hope in some way I was able to add understanding to an episode in Matt and Kitty's lives that didn't have true resolution. Look for POV's of KITTY'S Love Affair in the future.

What else could I do this was a chance to get back what mattered to me more than anything in my life my relationship with Matt Dillon. I told him to explain. I was glad he didn't try to touch me but just looked in my eyes and began to tell me about his long arduous journey.

It took him into Arizona territory, and it was there the man he was trailing shot him and then beat him. When he awakened, he was in a strange house with a woman. She had removed the bullet and treated his wounds. When she asked for his name and where he was from, he had that awful feeling of not having an answer. He said he had thought and thought but there was nothing, no memory. She decided to call him Dan.

She was a widow and did most of the work herself on her ranch. When he was better he started to help out and they fell into a routine. After all he had no past and no future, but he was just in a holding pattern with the hope of his memory returning. Finally, after several weeks she asked what his plans were, and he had none.

He explained by this time he began to feel more comfortable and since he really couldn't plan ahead he told her he would stay there. That was the night they slept together. Then the next day the man he had been following showed up at the ranch. Matt told me he didn't recognize him. It was revealed a neighbor man who wanted her property had sent the outlaw to kill her. He had decided not to do so. Before he rode away he confessed he was the man who shot me and then gave her my real identity.

Once she revealed that information my memory came back and I knew I had to return to Dodge. I told her 20 years of my life was here. I told her I was going to see the man who wanted her dead, and then I would come back to talk to her. Then she just threw me out. I couldn't just ride away I had to make sure she would be safe. After I took care of that I headed back to Dodge.

Every mile closer he came to home he wondered how he would make me understand what had happened. Then he told me how he stopped at Boot Hill to think but knew how couldn't stay there forever. Yet he felt he had cheated on me. He also admitted maybe it was stupid to feel that way. He confessed he had talked to Doc about it after talking in his sleep, and had been advised to tell me. Stupidly, he still was afraid of how I would react and if I would believe he really had amnesia.

His story sounded reasonable and if he bared his soul he must really be worried about our relationship. I didn't think I should confirm his fears that I did wonder if he really had amnesia. What was more important that I be honest with him and let the marshal understand how this situation made me feel. I was not sure where to begin when he asked me if I had any questions.

I told him maybe later, but I needed to tell him why I was so upset. He seemed relieved when I told him how I had found out about Mike Yarder. What he needed to know, and I tried to make him understand was that I felt crushed and betrayed. Then I was afraid that he hadn't said anything because he had fallen in love with this woman.

Matt leaned forward and told me he didn't even know who he was how could he know about making future plans when he wasn't even sure what was in his past. He said he knew he could do physical work but everything else was a blank. How could he make any plans when he didn't know where to go, and it was safe at Mike's.

That was another situation I wanted him to understand. I was jealous about the homelife he had with Mike and that we had never been able to have. I needed to know if he thought about having a family with her. Was I just a convenience because I lived here in Dodge? Did he really realized I had put aside so many dreams for a future with us so many times?

Old resentments had come creeping into my thoughts, I admitted. "You had with her what I had hoped for us and you seemed to like it. I was so afraid that even if you were here with me that your thoughts were back in Arizona with her. I had never given as much of myself as much as I had given to you. Dan didn't seem like the Matthew Dillon I knew and loved."

He opened his mouth to speak but I held up my hand. I said, "Matt when I heard that soldier talk about Mike, how he wished he could be nursed by her, and how attractive she was I was shattered to little pieces. I thought nothing could put me back together again."

I went on, "all I could think was that you were trying to find a way to tell me you were going back to her or bringing her here? What if she decides to come here? What then?"

The big man was quiet for quite a while and that frightened me. Finally, he spoke softly saying, "I would have to tell her I am unavailable." He looked at me with hope in his eyes."

No matter what he said I had to make sure he wasn't harboring feelings he didn't realize he felt for this woman. "So," I asked, "do you have any feeling that you needed to see Mike again?

He said, "Kitty we didn't fall in love immediately. Why would I fall in love with another woman so quickly?"

"But you had amnesia, you didn't know anything about yourself," I told him.

Then he explained that he knew about feelings. "I don't know if such basic feelings stay the same under such circumstances. I just know how I felt."

I was trying so hard to put myself in his place. How would I feel if I woke up and couldn't remember my name, where I was from, any of my past? I was sure I would panic. What is if a kind considerate man offered to help me. I know being so unsure would make me feel vulnerable. In such a situation I'm sure I would feel grateful. What if I never recovered my memory. It would be frightening.

Despite all that I did wish he could have trusted me enough to tell me and I didn't have to hear it from someone else. I know I have a temper and I'm sure that figured into Matt's thinking. I know he didn't want to deal with a big dramatic scene. This would take some thinking and talking.

At this point I wasn't sure what to tell him. He looked so miserable and asked me, "can you ever forgive me? Do you think you can trust me? We have to have trust to have a relationship."

Suddenly I wondered if he was saying this to tell me if I couldn't trust him this left him free to go back and see what happened with Mike. That is what I said to him feeling as if I might pass out.

He put his hands on my arms and shook me slightly. "Kitty,". he said sternly, "We have been through so much, and we have survived so much. Do you want to throw that away?"

I told him I wanted to trust him, and I hated how my feelings of insecurity have made me feel. I thought I was so sure of our relationship. There were tears in my eyes as I asked him what he wanted for us?

Matt pulled me to him and held me tightly. He ran his hands up and down my back. He held onto each other so tightly. Finally, he pushed my away slightly and his beautiful blue eyes looked into mine and he smiled .

When he spoke there was a catch in his voice. He explained, "I love you Kitty Russell You were my first thought when I got my memory back and all during my trip home. What you would think was uppermost in my mind. I made a stupid mistake, but you were what mattered most."

"I was so worried if you would still love me and trust me ever again," he whispered. "As I told you I thought I had made what I was afraid was a terrible mistake, but I didn't want to lose you. That is what I felt might happen."

He touched my heart the way only he could do so well. I cried out, "oh Matt what am I going to do with you?"

"Please Kitty," he was almost pleading, "forgive me. I know I don't deserve it but give US a chance."

This hardly seemed like the reticent men I knew so well. The man who had trouble expressing the emotions that were so deep inside him was opening his soul. I love that face, this man. When the choice came to walking away or staying in the arms that had always made me feel so safe staying was worth everything. Loving him made my soul want to sing. Losing him made me feel dead and alone inside.

At this point he didn't try to get me into the bedroom we just held onto each other not wanting to let go. Eventually after kissing my hair and kissing me lightly he put his arm around me and said, "let's go home." Those are all the words I needed to hear.

There would need be no more explanations for now. It was time to begin the journey back to our relationship, our love, understanding. He held out his hand as he turned of Doc's lights and led me to the place where, at least for a while, there would be no need for words.

FIN