Chapter 18

Levi and Armin are left alone together in the vast living room, sitting next to one another on Jean and Marco's large, cream, three-seater sofa. Neither of them has spoken a word since everybody else made themselves scarce.

After Hange had taken the time to say hello to Armin and ramble some barely audible apologies before rushing to the bathroom in a flurry of guilt-ridden tears, Marco took that as his cue to wrestle everybody else out and back into the dining room to give the pair some space to talk properly.

However, now that he's been given the privacy to finally confront in his demons in the form of his ex-comrade and subordinate, he can't think of a single thing to say. Words have never been his strong point, he's always felt that actions speak louder than words, but what can he do to even begin to make things up to the kid? Nothing, that's what.

And he knows Armin well enough to realise that words are exactly what he needs to hear right now. Armin's a rational, intelligent human being, who makes sense of the world around him with facts and probability, a large gesture of apology isn't going to give him the closure he needs on this particular issue. And at the very least, Levi knows that Armin deserves an explanation on why he acted the way he did at the hospital, on the day they saw each other for the last time.

Levi is about to open his mouth in an attempt at some words but is thankfully interrupted by a red-faced Marco coming in to the room with a tray consisting of two mugs and a large bowl of biscuits.

"I'm so sorry to intrude, but I just made coffee for everyone and I thought you'd like some brought in as well. Armin, I made yours with two sugars and a little cream, just the way you like it. And Levi, I made you some tea instead, I know you prefer it. Anyways tuck in and if you need anything else, just holler."

He sets the tray gently on to the coffee table in front of them and leaves the room just as quickly as he arrived. Levi stares at the door after him for a second, as Armin leans over and picks up his coffee and a biscuit.

"Tea? You haven't changed a bit, have you Levi?" Armin teases gently, in his own little attempt to break the silence. He eats the biscuit in his hand and waits patiently for a response, gaze drifting between both Levi and his own mug of coffee.

Levi's shoulders begin to relax ever so slightly, and it takes a minute, but he realises that Armin has also been struggling to think of what to say just as much as he has up until now. Despite everything that's happened in the past, Armin also has his own explaining to do. Namely, why Annie has known about Levi all this time and not said anything about it? Did he even know that Levi was here? Is that why he was brought here in the first place? Does that mean Eren knows too?

"I've changed." Levi insists, lifting his own mug to his lips, "Not in the best of ways I must admit. But I have changed. You've changed too though. You're not the scrawny brat I once knew anymore. Got rid of the mushroom cut, I see."

Armin laughs nervously and lifts his now free hand to the short, blond strands of hair at the back of his head. Levi remembers a time when it had reached down past his chin and almost to his shoulders, fringe growing to cover his bright blue eyes in the period it wasn't cut for months on end.

"Yeah…. I needed a change after a while. I got it cut not long after we got back, started going to the gym as well, worked on making myself a lot stronger and more agile. Like you, I guess…. Plus, it was a great stress relief, took my mind off a lot of stuff y'know? Annie helped me in that way too, with the working out…. and everything else." Armin explains, staring intently down into his coffee cup by the end.

Levi says nothing, taking a long drink from his tea before it's completely drained from his mug and he has nothing to hide behind anymore. He reluctantly sets it back down on the table and breathes a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry Armin. I didn't mean for any of it to happen and if there was a way for me to go back and change it all…. I should have just listened to you kid, instead of being so fucking arrogant, I should have listened and got everybody to clear out when you said. You warned me, and I wouldn't hear any of it." Levi says, unable to make direct eye contact with Armin.

"You were my Lance Corporal, I was supposed to follow your orders. You were just doing your job, and it was my first mission, there was no real reason for you to listen to me. You didn't do anything wrong Levi!" Armin exclaims and holds on to Levi's wrist, imploring him to look at him properly.

"But you knew we were walking into an ambush, you tried to warn me…."

"It was only a hunch…."

"And you were still right! I'd commended you before on your instincts and told you to always trust your gut…. and then I went and ignored you, put the lives of everyone on my team in jeopardy and watched for months as they…." Levi falters, holding his head in his hands. Armin moves the hand he has on Levi's wrist and uses it pull Levi's away from his face.

"You're allowed to say the actual words you know? Nothing bad is going to happen if you say it out loud." Armin says encouragingly as Levi brings his head up to meet his gaze.

"I can't…."

"You can, Levi. You can say it. It's all in the past now, nothing bad can come from it." Armin insists.

Levi lets out a deep breath and looks Armin in the eye. The colour beginning to drain from his face without him realising.

"I watched them stick needles through Oluo's tongue until he begged for mercy, he still can't talk properly because of that. I saw them take Petra away so they could shove god knows what inside her…she's infertile now, she and Oluo have to adopt if they want to have a family, they took that choice away from those two. They stomped on Eld's spine right in front of my eyes and broke Gunther's neck because he refused to join in, they're lucky to be alive today…." Levi says, before his breath hitches at the next words.

"Yes Levi, and what else?" Armin asks patiently, "And what else did you see?"

"And I watched as those bastards raped you every single day, taking turns and passing you around, all because I couldn't be the one to do it." Levi admits finally.

Armin nods sadly, "They did that, yes. But don't you for one second think that they only did that because you wouldn't succumb to their sick fantasies. They would have raped me anyway. Probably straight after in fact. And you're forgetting that I watched them hurt you too. I was there when they did that, remember?" He asks, pointing at the scars on Levi's face, "I watched as they held you down on that stove until you were bleeding and the skin tore away from your face. I saw them electrocute you whenever you refused to watch what they were doing to me. But most importantly, I remember seeing how hard you tried to protect me, how you tried to protect us all. The way you comforted me after each time, how you would stand up to them despite being cuffed, beaten, starving and exhausted, and the way you tried your damnedest to keep everybody strong. Every time I wanted to give up, every time I just wanted to give in and die, you were there to pick me up and remind me of my reasons to live."

Levi stares blankly with unshed tears as he listens to Armin, who grabs Levi by the neck and pulls him close so their foreheads are touching.

"Listen to me when I say this. You, Lance Corporal Levi, are not to blame for all of those horrible things that happened to us. You are the reason we stayed strong, you're the reason I got the courage to finally tell Annie how I felt when I got home, you're the reason I am the man I am today. And you Levi, are the reason I'm alive right now." Armin assures him, and for the first time in the last 2 years, Levi feels the waves of guilt beginning to slowly disappear.

Once Hange has washed her face and cleaned herself up, she heads back towards the living room but instead finds the majority of everyone sitting in the dining room, with the exception of a raging Eren, who is standing and gripping at the edges of his chair as he confronts a stone faced Annie, who looks only at the table that separates them.

"You better start talking Annie, or I swear to god I'll…." Eren begins.

"What are you gonna do to me Eren? You don't even understand what's happening here, and clearly you aren't mature enough to know if you resort to threatening your friends when you don't get your own way." Annie bites back scathingly, glaring at him as she does.

"Last time I checked, friends don't lie to each other." Eren retorts, "Now, you told me that I should hire Levi because he's the best in the business, and that I would be safer with him than anybody else available for hire. Was that actually true or was it all just a ruse to get him to come here? And for what reason?"

"I wasn't lying about all that Eren, he truly is the best at what he does. But I'm not going to lie, part of it was solely to get him to come here, for Armin's sake, but just so that they could talk and clear the air. I know how much Armin has wanted to see him…."

"But I don't understand why." Mikasa interrupts, "How do they even know each other? It's not like they run in the same circles."

"I can't tell you that." Annie sighs, and Mikasa rolls her eyes. Erwin sits next to her and wraps an arm around her shoulders. Hange takes the chair next to Marco and Jean, who are huddled together with their coffee in their hands.

"What do you mean you 'can't'?" Eren asks incredulously, "Armin is my best friend and Levi's my…. we live together. I have a right to know, Annie."

"I know you do, and I agree. But it's not my story to tell. I thought that maybe Levi would have told you by now, but I also understand why he hasn't, I remember how Armin was when he was working up the courage to tell me…." Annie trails off, her memory of Armin's broken expression when he told her the truth of what happened to him, and his unfounded fear that she would leave him for somebody who wasn't "damaged goods" when she finally knew.

"I really wish you would stop talking in fucking riddles!" Eren yells at her, exasperated.

"Eren! I understand you're frustrated, but please be kind. She's still your friend, and I imagine that if she and Armin are keeping secrets from you, it has to be for a real good reason." Marco says gently from his seat.

Eren simply shakes his head in response and sits down in his chair, still fuming away to himself.

"Eren, please just trust me. Levi is a good man, from what Armin has told me and from what I've seen for myself, I truly trust him with your life. In fact, I'd go as far as to say I'd trust him with the lives of everybody in this house. And you know that I love Armin, I love him with all of my heart, and I'll do anything I can to see him happy and fulfilled in life. You can be angry with me all you want, but don't blame them. I did what I thought was best for everyone, so that we all could move on with our lives and be happy together, you have to believe me Eren, please believe me." Annie begs, taking one of Eren's larger hands in her own.

Eren remains silent at the contact, but at the same time, he doesn't pull away.

"So, you've got some explaining to do to, kid." Levi says, raising an eyebrow at Armin with a smirk.

"Uh yeah…. I guess I do, don't I?" Armin responds sheepishly, scratching at the back of his head, "What do you want to know?"

"I want to know how much Annie knows, and why she hasn't told anybody about me." Levi says easily, folding his arms and resting back on the sofa.

"Truthfully? She knows everything. But I didn't know that she'd gotten Eren to hire you until you'd already arrived here. She admitted what she'd done when I came back on leave for a couple of weeks. I wanted to be angry with her, but I knew she only had the best of intentions. She speaks very highly of you, Levi. But then again, I always knew she would if you ever had the chance to meet." Armin says with a smile.

"Oh yeah, and Annie? If I remember correctly, you told me back then that the name of the girl you were in love with was Amanda." Levi teases, "Are you leading a third separate life that nobody knows about?"

Armin laughs genuinely, "Annie's real name is Amanda Leonhart, but she hates that name and never goes by Amanda. I just felt that it's only fair for a man to keep a few details to himself, especially when everything else I out in the open for everyone to see."

"I can respect that." Levi says with a simple nod.

"You know, I had planned to see you at dinner a couple of months ago when I was here, but Eren said you were too tired and went back to your hotel instead." Armin explains, "I thought at the time it was probably a blessing in disguise, but then I hadn't realised how long I was gonna be gone again for work."

"You never said, what is it you're doing these days?" Levi asks curiously.

"Officially, I work for the Government as part of their counter-terrorism specialist team based in Stohess. That's as much as everybody here knows, but truthfully? I'm out in the field more often than they know, even Annie, the Underground are still out there and they're very much at large. I have to at least try and bring them down once and for all."

"Armin." Levi sighs, "You know as well as I do that it's impossible to get anywhere near them."

"All I can do is try Levi, they deserve to pay for what they've done and I'm gonna make sure that nobody else has to go through what we did." Armin insists, looking determined and self-assured.

"Armin... the men that did those things to us are dead and gone, Hange made sure of that. And we don't know what they've left behind, all we know is that the Underground are far bigger and far more advanced than we ever could have imagined. You could work your whole life for just a whisper and nothing else. It's why I chose to get out when I did. To leave behind everything that even remotely reminded me of that life. Or at least, that had been my plan, until Erwin hired me, Oluo and Petra to work within the same company under his command again." Levi says, clasping his hands in his lap and looking down at them.

"Is that why you left the hospital without saying goodbye?" Armin asks, and Levi winces as he knew the question was bound to come up, "We spent almost 4 months in that hell hole, we saw each other at our absolute worst, and we survived it together. And then you left me there in my hospital bed, I saw you and you just walked away without another word. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye or how grateful I was for everything you'd done for me. Eld, Gunther, Petra and even Oluo came to say farewell as we were discharged, so why didn't you?"

"I couldn't bear to look you in the eyes, Armin. I was a coward. Because I knew that when we left that hospital, we could never just go back to our normal lives and everything would be okay. We'd always have to live with what happened, you would always wake up in the morning and remember what they did, you'd probably still expect to happen again for a time, unable to differentiate what's real and what's a memory. I felt like I was the cause of that, and I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye knowing that's what I was leaving behind. That you'd always have the memory of their filthy hands on you as you were violated…. I still have those memories, I still have nightmares of how you'd cry right after they'd finished with you for the day, and at night before you'd go to sleep." Levi explains solemnly.

"I have those memories too Levi, of course I do. I can never forget what happened, but you know what? I can live with it. I can live with it because I know that every day, I get to wake up and they don't. I can get up, have coffee in the morning, go to work, see my friends, kiss my fiancé, sleep with her in my arms and wake up just to do it all over again. And when I do have those nightmares, I can just wake up and the love of my life is right there with me to give comfort whenever I need it. Or that's she's just a simple phone call away." Armin says, smiling softly, "I don't let what happened back then limit my life now. Because any day, I could die without warning, and I'd like to die knowing that I lived in the moment and not in the past."

"I wish I could be like you Armin. And believe me, I never thought I'd say that. But you're…. happy, you have a life, a real one with purpose, with friends and people you love. You're so positive despite the shitty hand you've been dealt. I wish I could see the world the way you see it." Levi says with a sad smile.

"But you can! You could if you let yourself! Annie has explained to me that you're a little uncomfortable around…. certain types of people. Men especially. Is that because of me?" Armin asks gently.

"Not because of you, no. Because of what they did to you and what they tried to make me do…. I admit, I went through a period of such hate and disgust towards gay men, because no matter how hard I tried to ignore what was happening around me, it all just reminded me of them. I couldn't separate my feelings when I would see couples kissing or holding hands out in the street, all I could see was you, crying and yelling out in agony. I've…. gotten better at it though, Eren has helped me a lot in that regard, he's a little shit but against my better judgement I do care about him, probably more than I care to admit. Marco and Jean too, they're good people." Levi admits, looking at Armin with an expression of resignation.

"They're the best, I agree. You're surrounded by good people Levi, you just need to allow yourself a chance at happiness, to let them in completely." Armin says, and before Levi can respond with anything further, Eren bursts through the door looking impatient and angry.

Annie follows him in, disgruntled and exasperated at Eren's lack of understanding at the word 'patience' or 'privacy'.

"Eren, I told you to give them space to talk before you came barging in here! You never listen to me." Annie huffs, but Eren ignores her completely.

"Look, I know I'm interrupting and that I'm way out of line here, but I'm driving myself crazy! I hate not knowing what's going on and I'd like for you both to explain what exactly is happening here." Eren demands, fists clenched and hanging by his sides, breathing heavily as he does.

"I'm sorry guys, I tried to stop him." Annie says shyly, scratching the back of her head in the same way Armin does when he's backed into a corner, Levi notes.

"It's fine, I think we said everything we needed to say, didn't we Levi?" Armin asks.

"We did, and we're alright now." Levi confirms, "Thank you Annie, y'know, for this." He gestures vaguely with his hand between himself and Armin.

Annie nods and gives him a small smile at his gratitude.

"Okay, so now that everything seems to be all fine and dandy, does somebody mind explaining what the hell is going on?" Eren questions impatiently. Levi takes an annoyed breath and walks over to where Eren is standing, grabs his arm and pulls him to sit between himself and Armin on the sofa.

"Annie, mind shutting the door for me? As much as I'm willing to open up today, I'm not sure everybody else needs to hear this yet. Hange and Erwin obviously already know, but the rest of Armin's friends should be spared the details, at least for today." Levi clarifies, still holding on to Eren. Annie wordlessly closes door and moves to sit on one of the armchairs facing the sofa.

"It's okay that I stay right?" Annie asks, "I've heard the story from Armin, but I'd still also like to hear your version of things Levi. And I want to be here…. y'know, for the difficult parts."

"What difficult parts?!" Eren questions, confusion spread all over his face, "Levi, you're scaring me, what's going on?"

Levi takes one look at Eren's wide, mismatched eyes, so filled with emotion and worry that Levi can't deny him any further. Levi doesn't think he's ever seen Eren look so young or vulnerable before, not even when he was describing the details of his own hidden past, in a very familiar setting to now in fact. Levi takes a hold of one of Eren's hands without hesitation, linking their fingers together and resting his other hand underneath Eren's palm.

"Please don't be scared, I need you to be strong for me right now, because I can't guarantee I can get through this entire story alone and Armin is going to need you too. Can you do that for me?" Levi asks, and Eren gives him a wide-eyed but determined nod of his head.

"Before we say anything Eren, there are gonna be things in this story I haven't told you before now, and I need you to not get mad at me…." Armin says sheepishly, "I haven't been completely honest with you."

"I don't care about any of that right now!" Eren insists, "I just want to know that you're okay! Both of you!" He says, looking at both of his friends on either side of him.

"Okay, well then I guess it's time you know the truth." Armin says with a rueful smile, taking Eren's other hand in his for support.

"Yeah." Levi confirms, "It's time."