Chapter 27
Levi wakes up several hours later alone in his own bed, sunlight streaming through the blinds he hadn't quite closed all the way.
He takes a moment to sit up and stretch, rubbing his still sleep-filled eyes before shifting his gaze to the other side of the bed. The sheets have been pulled back and the comforter is still warm to the touch, so he knows Eren did spend the night here. It hadn't all just been a wonderful dream.
He lets his mind drift back to the happenings of the night before, how Rogue had stormed off after finding out his plans to move back to Trost, Maria being shot and wounded by a currently unidentified enemy, he and Rogue making their way home together in silence, how he then washed her clean of her friend's blood and finally told her his real feelings.
He brings his fingertips up to his lips as he remembers their kiss, smiling ever so slightly as he recounts the way her long eyelashes tickled his face as they fluttered close, the way she pulled him closer in desperate longing to feel as much of him as possible, how he tried so hard to convey how bewitched she's made him feel in the four short months he's known her all in one little kiss. The best kiss of his life, in fact.
Kissing isn't a foreign concept to Levi, he's kissed and been kissed before on many occasions, some welcome and some, at other times, a simple means to an end. Hange had never been one for kissing spontaneously, and Levi had seen no reason to push her, they would kiss if and only when it felt natural to do so. Rico, on the other hand, had been a different kettle of fish entirely, her kisses were hard and demanding, with the underlying plea for more every time. Levi had often found himself kissing her for hours on end as a way to try and make her forget his limitations in what he could do for her as a boyfriend.
He lets his hand fall and is about to get up and out of bed when he hears a soft knocking on his bedroom door before Eren lets himself back in, holding a steaming mug of coffee.
"Hey." Eren greets with a shy smile, not quite able to meet Levi's eyes.
"Hey, yourself." Levi returns with a light smirk of his own.
Something about the way Eren nervously carries himself makes Levi want to tease and taunt until the boy lets his guard down, laughs or calls him a dumb name. Anything to take them away from dancing around each other like teenagers again.
And it's not like they did anything too naughty to talk about or that would cause the most pious, wholesome of people to blush at the very idea of their sordid antics. They just…slept.
Levi remembers as he and Eren hurriedly towelled themselves dry and retreated hand in hand to his bedroom, where they changed into comfy clothing (Eren borrowing a T-shirt and a pair of Levi's underwear) before retiring to bed, Levi facing away from Eren as the boy gently lay a hand on his back, his soft breathing lulling both of them into a deep, and in Levi's case, dreamless sleep.
"I know you don't like eating or drinking in your room, but I figured you'd still be tired and would need a little help to wake up properly. I could always make you tea if you'd prefer?" Eren offers, and Levi shakes his head, plucking the mug from Eren's hands and taking a small sip.
"No, this is just what I needed, thank you." Levi says, sighing gratefully at the bitter taste on his tongue.
"Okay, well…I'll let you do what you need to do, I'll be in the living room when you're ready." Eren says, turning on his heel to leave just as Levi catches his wrist in his hand.
"Hey, no you don't! Get back in here." Levi demands, indicating with a tilt of his head that Eren should get back into his bed. He does so with a little hesitation that seems to melt away as Levi lays them both back against the headboard and wraps his free arm around Eren's shoulders, bringing him close enough so that their legs and hips are touching.
Eren revels in the attention for a little, deciding to push his luck slightly by resting his head on Levi's bare shoulder. The man takes the action completely in his stride, however, carding his fingers through Eren's soft, brown locks absentmindedly as he continues to drink his coffee.
"So…" Eren begins and teeters off.
"So?" Levi prompts, curious to know what he'd wanted to say.
"How did you sleep last night?" He asks shyly, purposely not meeting Levi's questioning gaze.
It's a loaded question, they both know it, Eren isn't simply enquiring about Levi's sleeping pattern out of sheer interest or concern for the man's bedroom habits. He wants to know how Levi feels now that the veil has lifted, now that they're not in immediate danger and Eren isn't going to disappear before his very eyes. Levi chooses his words carefully.
"Good. Better than I have in a very long time, actually." And it's the truth, despite the circumstances, Levi can't remember a night where he managed to get a solid few hours of continuous sleep with no nightmares. And he's not a fool to believe it's simply coincidence that this occurs on the very night he and Eren share a bed for the first time, "What about you?"
"Not fantastically, I managed to sleep for a little while…but every time I closed my eyes, I kept seeing Maria's blood all over me, everywhere, and I couldn't get it to wash off. I saw her die in my sleep, not just her though, Jean too, and Mikasa…and you. I had to stay awake after that so I could watch you…make sure you were still breathing."
Eren's admission makes Levi's heart hurt, he's all too familiar with that feeling, the helplessness of closing your eyes and seeing nothing but death and destruction, the one-time easiness of slumber turning into the hardest part of your whole day. And knowing Eren laid awake all night, simply watching his chest rise and fall with every breath, not daring to wake him for help or comfort, makes Levi feel fuzzy in a way he's not felt since Isabel called him "big bro" for the first time or when Erwin and Hange called him their "best friend".
"I'm sorry you had to experience that, and that I wasn't able to help." Levi apologises.
"Nah, it's no big deal, I'm a big boy." Eren shrugs, "You don't need to help me with everything."
"You know that is literally what you pay me for, right? Or do I need to remind you of the terms and conditions of my contract?" Levi deadpans, causing Eren to chuckle and shake his head in exasperation.
"You're a jerk." Eren complains.
"Really now? Your usual go to is "Ass". You seem to have some sort of fascination."
"Sorry dude, the stick is so deep now you're basically a walking corndog."
"That's disgusting."
"Hey, corndogs happen to be very nutritious and delicious I'll have you know!"
"Tch, I'll take your word for it, brat."
Eren laughs then, and Levi can see the tension begin to fade slightly. Good, he thinks, Eren can use as little stress as possible right about now.
"Any news on Marco yet?" Levi asks cautiously, not sure he wants to hear the answer.
"Yeah, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. My Dad called, they had to remove part of his large intestine and his spleen because of damage caused by bullet fragments. He's in for a blood transfusion now and he'll have to take antibiotics for the rest of his life to prevent serious infections, but he's alive and that's the main thing."
Levi lets the relief wash over and he can feel his body sag even further into his bed, if Eren hadn't been propping him up, he's sure he would have collapsed into it right there and then. He places his coffee mug on to the bedside cabinet with a shaky hand and takes a calming breath.
"It's because of you, you know?" Eren says suddenly, "You're the reason he survived."
"Don't say that, it's not true." Levi insists, shaking his head in denial.
"It is true, my Dad said so himself, if it hadn't been for you taking care of him the way you did, he probably wouldn't have made it as far as the hospital bed. He's alive because of you." Eren argues, leaning closer to Levi so that his arm can wrap around his bare torso, fingertips tracing lightly over his abs as they pass, "Dad's not sure yet, but Marco might need to use a wheelchair for a while. He thinks one of the fragments damaged some of the nerves and muscles in his back, he obviously can't test Marco's ability to walk until he comes to. Jean seems to be taking the news just fine though."
"He's probably just happy that his fiancé is going to be okay, all things considered, won't matter what state he's in as long as he's breathing." Levi says, taking Eren's had in his own and giving it a squeeze.
"Oh yeah, shit, I forgot about that." Eren breathes out a laugh, "If he's out of commission for however long, no doubt he'll become Bridezilla in no time at all."
"Wait, wouldn't Jean technically be the bride? Seeing as Marco proposed and all? Is there even a bride? Can't say I know all that much about gay weddings."
Eren snorts, "Come on Levi, could you honestly picture Jean Kirstein in a dress?"
"Don't know, I mean he has the legs for it I guess." Levi says, smirking all the while.
"Ew, why have you even been checking out his hooves? Should I be warning Marco that you're becoming a little gay for his fiancé?" Eren jokes, wriggling his eyebrows.
"Tch, please, I'm sure Marco knows by now that I'm not ga…" Levi starts to say, before catching himself. Eren looks at him with a little sad smile, and Levi wants nothing more than to undo everything he just said.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
"It's fine." Eren says kindly, "Don't worry about it."
"No, it's not fine." Levi insists, "It was just a slip of the tongue, I honestly wasn't thinking. I wasn't trying to say that…"
"Levi, I understand." Eren interrupts, "This is new, I get it. I'm under no illusions here, this is going to be difficult for you to comprehend for a while. I don't expect it to be a walk in the park and honestly, I don't want it to be easy. Easy is boring." He winks.
"I just don't want you getting the wrong idea and thinking I don't want to be with you, because I do. It's all I've been able to think about. But I…never expected to feel this way…for another man. I…don't know what this makes me." Levi admits sheepishly.
"And you don't have to know, who says you have to put a label on it? All that matters is that we're together and we want to be with each other, right?"
Levi nods, "I won't lie to you and say that I don't think about Rogue, and that she wasn't who I fell for…because she was. Whenever I thought about this, about us…it was always with you as Rogue."
"And Rogue is me, a part of me at least, I can't fault you for wanting her." Eren shrugs, "But she's not the whole package, she's only a small part of who I am, as you well know. I'm a man, I'm very comfortable in my masculinity and that's not about to change. You need to be okay with that."
"I'm here, aren't I? If I didn't want this, I'd be back in Trost right now, shooter be damned. I want you Eren, god knows why but I do…there are just so many contradictions playing around in my head, it's going to take me some time to get used to that, and to accept it about myself."
Eren nods slowly, gears beginning to visibly turn as he thinks.
"Then the least I can do is help you with that."
"What do you mean by that?" Levi asks, head tilted in confusion.
Eren removes Levi's arm from his shoulder suddenly and sits up rather abruptly, facing Levi with his legs crossed underneath him.
"Your brain is contradicting itself because of what happened when you saw Armin with those guys, your experiences with male on male contact have caused you to see them as nothing but disgusting and something unnatural, yet you see Marco and Jean together and know they're happy, but you still have to turn your head away from them when they show affection."
"I don't do that…" Levi denies half-heartedly.
"Yes, you do, I've seen you." Eren insists, "So, it's as if your perception of men being with other men has been tarnished all because of what they did…it's like PTSD."
"I guess so, but then what does that mean for us? I've trying to forget and repress it, but it's always in my head, it doesn't go away." Levi says sadly.
"Well," Eren begins, "Then how about instead of trying to repress your bad memories, we simply try and attempt to create good memories together? So that, in theory, when you think about a man being with another man, you don't think about what they did…you just think about you and me, and all the amazing things we'll do with each other."
It makes sense in Levi's head, sounds perfect in fact, but there's one glaring flaw in Eren's plan.
"I would be open to trying…but how do we get to that stage when the idea of kissing or touching other men feels…wrong….to me?" Levi asks, eyes downcast as he says the words.
"That's the brilliant part," Eren grins, "I was thinking that to start off, I could start dressing more like Rogue around the house, and if we're to go out on dates, I could go as her? A more reserved version of course, but her nonetheless."
Levi gapes at him, "Eren, I couldn't ask you to do that. When we met, you told me that the one thing you wanted was for people to see the real you, not the one you portray on stage. How could I let you walk around thinking the real you isn't good enough for me and taking away your masculinity like that?"
Eren smiles at him then, "Because you're willing to try for me. You're putting your biggest fear to one side and taking a chance on this. And you didn't leave…you still could have, but you stayed for me. What kind of boyfriend would I be, if I didn't make the allowances you're making for me just by being here?"
Levi is silent for a long while, simply looking at Eren with what can only be described as reverence.
"I love you." Levi declares awestruck, meaning every single word and making Eren chuckle lightly.
"I love you too." Eren assures him, leaning in for a quick, chaste kiss, before remembering himself and pecking Levi on the cheek instead.
"One other thing." Eren says after a minute, "As you know, our friends are crazy."
"Definitely, continue." Levi says, expressionless.
"Well, my family are just as bad, and as I've never been in a real relationship before, if I tell them about us, they're bound to be as enthusiastic as pigs in shit." Eren states, causing Levi to snort in amusement, leaving Eren glaring at him and telling him to act his age, not his height.
"What I'm trying to say," Eren clarifies, "is that if we're both trying to get used to being out of our comfort zones, maybe it's not the best idea to have our friends breathing down our necks with this?"
Levi ponders this, "I think you may be right about that, so you're saying we should remain incognito?"
"For the time being, yes. Just until things with Marco calm down and we're a little less green than we are now."
"Alright, that's fair, we'll say nothing." Levi agrees, and Eren hops up off the bed with enthusiasm.
"Cool, now as much as I'd love to stay in bed with you all day, I promised Jean we'd meet him at the hospital today. Did you want to use the shower first?" Eren asks.
"You can go first, I haven't checked my phone yet and you smell much worse than I do." Levi teases with a smirk.
"Oh, you're an ass!"
"And here I thought you said something about my ass being delicious?"
"Yeah, yeah" Eren rolls his eyes, leaving the room and Levi to his own devices.
Allowing himself to smile a little at Eren's retreating back, he grabs his phone to find a myriad of missed calls and voicemail messages from Hange, no doubt having heard about the shooting and worrying herself sick over his and Eren's wellbeing.
He considers giving her a quick call until he notices he also has a text message from Erwin from this morning, just one. It stands out clearer than everything else on his screen and he can't keep him from opening it any longer. He clicks on the little notification and he's transported to his chat history with his best friend. And right at the very bottom reads the words.
'Trail ran cold. Shooter working on behalf of someone else. Found out something interesting. Meet me tonight at 6pm. I'll send address details later. Don't be late.'