Chapter 31

Eren is still staring up at him with those blown-wide, sparkling, bright eyes by the time Levi's brain has properly caught up with the sight that's laid out in front of him.

The sight of Eren "The Rogue" Jaeger, Drag Queen extraordinaire, YouTube sensation – and his boyfriend no less - sitting cross-legged on his bedroom floor with the broken, cardboard box in his lap and surrounded by fluffy sweaters and countless pairs of women's underwear.

Correction – Levi's underwear.

Several English words that are not profanity have started to form in Levi's mind as the seconds tick by, and then begin spilling out of his mouth without much thought or control from the man himself.

"I…. I don't…. that box…. you weren't…." Levi stutters, his heart hammering the entire time as he attempts to string a viable sentence together. Eren continues watching him with an expectant look through his stammering, as if Levi is somehow about to give him the secrets of the universe.

"Levi?" Eren prompts gently, and Levi gulps audibly before entering the room and setting a shaky hand on the end of his own bed frame.

"I didn't…. I didn't think you would ever see this." Levi manages lamely with sad, downcast eyes, "You weren't supposed to find these."

"Levi…. please tell me honestly, are these yours?" Eren asks, as if the man's blatantly obvious embarrassment and discomfort weren't a big enough giveaway, before shaking his head and adding "I mean, as in, do you…. wear these or…"

"No Eren," Levi interrupts, "I have them because I'm a big, old pervert and I need them to get my fucking rocks off." He snaps - gripping the bed frame so hard that Eren thinks it's going to snap at any given second - and uses his free hand to run his fingers through his hair, grasping the longer ends tight enough for it to look as if it physically hurts.

Eren simply gazes up at Levi and waits for him to calm down on his own, the latter taking a deep, steadying breath before meeting Eren's beautiful eyes once more. Somehow, those eyes always seem to bring him back down to Earth, and Levi can't even begin to explain how they make him feel, he could lose himself in those pools of glittering green and gold for all eternity.

Levi thinks about lying. He really does. He's been so used to lying to others about who he is, that he doesn't normally have to think so hard about it. Hell, the only other person who ever knew about this part of Levi was Hange, and even then, she only actually found out by accident. He's never even considered telling Eren about this…but he loves Eren, and if he can't confide in Eren, then who does he have to confide in?

"Yes, they're mine. And yes, I wear them." Levi says finally, stone-faced and filled with shame at the sound of his own words leaving his lips. It's been so long since he's said the words out loud to somebody.

"Oh." is all Eren says in response, absentmindedly rubbing the fabric of a white, cotton pair next to his bare thigh whilst continuing look at Levi with a semi-vacant stare. Levi gives the younger man an incredulous look and raises a disbelieving eyebrow at him after Eren says nothing else.

"Oh? That's all you can say, just 'Oh'?" Levi questions with narrowed, distrustful eyes, and Eren's own shoot open wide as he shakes his head vigorously, as if trying to dislodge something from his brain.

"No, no, sorry! That's not what I meant at all, I was just…sorry. I didn't mean oh like 'oh, that's weird', I was meaning it more as in 'oh, that's surprising'. It just got me thinking is all. I never would have…expected that you would like to wear this stuff, seeing as you're so buff and all. And then I ended up trying to picture you…and I got distracted." Eren admits, blushing madly and looking up at Levi timidly.

Levi lets his face soften and he rubs at his temple, he can already feel a headache coming on. His grip on the bed frame loosens, and then he lets go of it altogether. But instead of pacing the room like he usually does when he's anxious or stressed, Levi makes his way over to where Eren is sitting and sets himself down in front of him, his legs splayed out to the side rather than crossed like the younger man's. He can practically see Eren's brain working a mile a minute, so he chooses to say nothing, giving Eren the opportunity to ask the questions he no doubt has in his own time.

"So…forgive me for making assumptions if I'm wrong…but does this mean you're Trans?" Eren asks carefully, watching Levi's reaction the entire time. He doesn't sound disgusted or judgemental, as Levi had come to expect from anyone who uncovers his biggest secret, he just sounds like he's interested to know the answer, regardless of what it may be.

Levi shakes his head, "No, if there's one thing I'm certain of in this life, it's that I'm not transgender. Believe me, I did a lot of research growing up. I'm incredibly comfortable with my body, I've never been unsure of it, not for a second. I trust it…take pride in it if I'm honest. I am definitely a man, and I have never ever felt any uncertainty in that fact."

"Okay," Eren says with a nod, "That's totally cool, I'm just then wondering…."

"You're wondering what I get out of it?" Levi finishes, and Eren nods an affirmative, "Well, it's not a sex thing if that's what you're thinking."

"I didn't think anything like that, I swear!" Eren exclaims, rushing to defend himself, "It never even crossed my mind, I promise. I don't even know what I think to be honest, I'm still just surprised. It's not every day you find out that your boyfriend has a box full of women's sweaters and panties in his bedroom."

"Tch, I know, you just have yours in your closet for everybody to see." Levi jokes with a smirk, to which Eren lets out a rather undignified snort in response.

"You ass!" Eren laughs, reaching over and hitting Levi on the shoulder in barely concealed amusement, "You know what I mean."

"Yeah I know, brat." Levi says fondly before continuing, "To answer your question, I don't know…I've never really known. It's something I've always done but, I didn't actually have an explanation for it until Hange practically psychoanalysed me."

"Hange knows?" Eren asks surprised.

Levi nods, "Yeah, she knows. She found out about it back when we were dating. I…put one of my sweaters into the washer while she was doing laundry and planned to fish it out before she realised what I'd done. But she unloaded the machine earlier than I was expecting and found it, she knew immediately that it wasn't hers. I lied at first and told her I didn't know where it came from, but she could always see right through me. I either had to come clean or have her think I was cheating on her."

"I see, I can understand why you chose to tell her." Eren remarks, "How did she react when she found out about it?"

"She took it in her stride like she does with anything else." Levi says shrugging his shoulders, "She demanded I tell her everything, from why I started wearing them in the first place to how it makes me feel to wear them now. So, I told her everything I could, and Hange did what she always does. She gave me an answer. It may not have been the right one, but it's the only one that's ever made any sense to me."

Levi looks at Eren then, expecting him to say something. Except he doesn't, he's simply watching Levi with rapt attention, as if seeing him for the first time. So instead of waiting around for a reaction that's not about to come, he dives right into it.

"Growing up, I only had mom. She raised me completely on her own, and she was my everything. In a world filled with people, full of meaningless names and face, we only ever had eachother. I relied on her entirely, and I think in many ways, she relied on me too. For the first 7 years of my life, my mom was the only person I ever really had any sort of interaction with. Sure, I went to school and all, but I never cared for other kids my age, too loud and messy." Levi says, scrunching up his nose at the memory of his childhood, before continuing.

"Every day, I'd watch the clock in the classroom, and wait impatiently for the last bell so that I could go home. She would wait for me around the corner from the school gates, she didn't like waiting with the other moms…she knew what they would say about her. Mom was an addict, you see. Heroin. She managed to quit after I was born, but she still used even when she was pregnant with me. It's why I'm so short." Levi says, and suddenly Eren grasps his hand, squeezing it lightly and looking at him with such a sad expression that Levi wants to take his words back.

"Despite all that, she was a fantastic mother to me. She always said I was her most precious gift. And every night after she took me home from school, after we'd eaten and I'd had my evening bath, she'd wrap me up in her arms and run her fingers through my hair. She held me so close, so tightly, and I remember so clearly that she always wore the softest, fluffiest, woollen jumpers I've ever felt. We didn't have a lot of money as she was on welfare, so the heat was almost always out. That was her way of keeping me warm until I fell asleep at night." Levi explains softly, his slightly glazed over as he recalls the memory of his mother's embrace, so vivid yet so far away.

"She sounds like an amazing woman." Eren says with a small, kind smile, "I can already tell she really loved you."

"I know she did." Levi agrees with a nod, "And I always thought that she was the strongest woman I knew. But she was weak minded…and my Uncle Kenny knew that about her. He was always at our house, demanding money or other such stuff, and Mom would always give it to him. Because he was family, and family always help eachother out. He certainly helped her out when he got her hooked back on the drugs…she was dead within the year after that."

Eren's eyes flutter closed then, and he lets out a shaky breath. Levi can tell his boyfriend is hurting for him, it's easy to see, but he also knows there is a part of Eren that realises that it could just as easily have been him in his mother's position if he hadn't kicked the habit when he did. And Levi wastes no time in squeezing Eren's trembling hand back in the same manner as he had done for him just minutes earlier.

"When she was gone, despite all Mom said about family helping eachother out, Kenny wasn't willing to take me on full time. So, I was put into the foster care system, but he still insisted on being given visitation rights. I went to live with many families back then, but none of them lasted long enough for me to consider them home. Kenny was always lingering or banging on the door drunk at all hours, demanding to take me to his place for the evening. Sometimes the police were called, other times they let him take me, but regardless they were all too nervous to keep me around for too long. Kenny frightened them, and by extension, having me in their home frightened them too. So, they all kept me at arm's length, afraid to get too close." Levi says, and Eren doesn't want to hear any more, he just wants to wrap Levi in a hug, to hide him away from the cruel, harsh world that turned it's back on him…but this is Levi's story, and he deserves the chance to tell it without being silenced again.

"I spent years without so much as a hug or even a kiss goodnight, and the older I got, the more I learned not to expect it. I was pretty much spending most of my weekends with Kenny at this point, and there was fat chance of me getting any form of affection from my beloved Uncle." Levi states with a roll of his eyes, "By the time I was 13, Kenny was trying to drill it into my head that the only touch I'd ever need, would be the touch of random women in my bed at night. That was never something that appealed to me, but back then I just assumed it would be something I would understand when I was older. Fuck knows what he would have said or done back then if I told him that sex with strangers was something I have no interest in."

Eren gives Levi a little half-smile then as he hears the light-hearted nature of Levi's tone, "From the sounds of it, probably wouldn't have been as bad as you telling him you're dating a drag queen." He jokes, and Levi huffs out an amused breath.

"Tch, you're probably right about that kid. And besides, I'm not just dating a drag queen, he'd actually probably understand that if he had enough booze in him. But if I were to tell him the truth and say that I have a boyfriend that I'm madly in love with…that may make a difference." Levi says and Eren flushes the brightest red that Levi has ever seen on him.

"You…you mean that?" Eren asks, almost in a whisper, face still burning hot at Levi's confession.

"Do you need me to spell it out for you, moron? Or would you rather I have it written in the sky with…" Levi doesn't get to finish the rest of his sentence, as in the time it's taken for him to say the words, Eren has basically thrown himself across to where Levi is sitting and is kissing him so passionately that Levi thinks his heart is going to climb out of his throat and into Eren's demanding mouth.

Levi doesn't let himself think about the action, he simply uses his hands to pull Eren closer until the taller man is practically straddling his lap. Eren has his arms wrapped around Levi's neck and has his lips pressed hard against Levi's, however, deciding to waste no more time, Eren opens his mouth ever so slightly in an invitation, hoping Levi will catch on to where he wants this to go. And he does.

Levi, feeling empowered and boldened by the suddenness of Eren's body pressed so close to his, dips his tongue shyly into the hot, warm cavern that is Eren's mouth. He tastes of coffee and toothpaste, and it's a combination so odd that it should be disgusting, but Levi can't get enough of it. Levi lets himself explore Eren's inexperienced mouth, but he soon pulls back from their kiss.

"Flick your tongue a little." Levi instructs, "It'll feel nicer for us both that way, rather than you just letting it lie there motionless."

"Okay…" Eren says nervously, before kissing Levi again, opening his mouth for Levi to enter and gently swirling his tongue in a little circular motion.

It's a little awkward at first, but soon Eren is getting the hang of it and actually finds himself fighting Levi for dominance of the kiss. He loses, of course, but he hadn't been expecting to win. The battle itself is half the fun. Eren's skin begins to break out in goosebumps as Levi starts caressing his bare thighs in the gap between his shorts and thigh high socks, and his blonde wig is tickling the tinged pink skin just above Levi's eye. But neither of them can bring themselves to care, simply breathing in the scent of eachother, and Eren pulls back from Levi's hungry lips to kiss at his bare neck.

"Stop…Eren, please!" Levi gasps startled, lifting Eren gently off his lap and placing him back on the floor with a thud.

Eren blinks owlishly as he feels his backside hit the ground with little warning and realises as he looks at Levi, that the older man's eyes are almost black, only a thin ring of steely silver outlining the edges, his skin is healthily flushed and he's breathing heavily. The sight is enough to take Eren's breath away…until he looks down and sees that Levi's arousal is straining against the thin fabric of his slacks.

"Oh…" Eren breathes, unconsciously darting his tongue out to wet his now dry lips. He can see just from the outline that Levi is big…bigger than he had expected for someone of his height and painfully hard. The sight is enough to leave Eren hot, and it's without a doubt the sexiest thing he's ever seen in his life. Levi is beautiful, all turned on and needy.

"I'm sorry Eren." Levi says breathlessly, "I couldn't help it…but I'm not ready for that…not yet."

"Hey," Eren cuts in, "It's okay! I told you before that I have no expectations of you, not now, not ever. We were just kissing, it's only natural that you'd get a little flustered…hell, I'm in no better state right now. But I love you Levi, and I meant it when I said I'd wait a lifetime for you to be ready for us."

Levi lets his gaze drop to his own lap in embarrassment, "Thank you, Eren."

"That's alright, sweetheart." Eren says lovingly, smiling at Levi as the older man raises his eyes back up to his younger boyfriend, "Now, let's go back to where we left off, huh? You said you were between homes when you were growing up?" Eren asks, holding Levi's smaller hand in his the entire time.

"Yeah." Levi says with nod of his head, "Not many people were willing to keep me around for very long when Kenny began to show up. So, I never got attached, as I knew I'd be gone sooner rather than later. That was until I was taken in by Alice."

"Isabel's mom?" Eren asks, stroking Levi's palm with his thumb.

"That's right. I was 15 years old, and I'd pretty much given up on the idea of ever having a family again. But Alice was a tough old gal. She insisted I call her Ma from the moment I moved in and introduced me to Isabel as her new older brother that very same day. And Isabel seemed to just accept it right away, from that day on I was her big bro." Levi reminisces fondly, "I went from having almost nothing to a having a mother and a sister within the space of 24 hours."

"They sound like they were good for you, especially after all you'd been through." Eren says, snuggling up to Levi, "But what about Kenny? Was he still around at this point?"

"Yeah, but Alice wasn't taking any of his crap. Whenever he turned up unannounced and demanded that she let me go with him, she always gave him as good as she got and sent him packing. I'd never seen anybody do that before. And after a while of trying, he just stopped coming around altogether. By that point though I'd already been doing most of his dirty work. That didn't matter anymore, I had a family again. But I still didn't have everything I needed." Levi says and Eren narrows his eyes in confusion.

"What do you mean?" Eren asks, and Levi takes a deep breath in preparation for what he's about to say.

"Alice was an amazing person, and she and Isabel were some of the best things to ever happen to me, no doubt about it. However, I was 15 years old, and Alice had Isabel as well as a constant stream of little kids coming in and out of her house. All of whom needed far more attention and physical affection than I did, or as far as anyone could tell at least." Levi explains, "I hadn't had anybody touch me in a loving way in almost 8 years, more than half of my entire life, and in that time, I had become more familiar with using my fists than actually giving somebody a hug. My mind didn't know how to deal with that…until one day when I found one of Isabel's winter sweaters.

It was white, cotton and so, so soft. She and I were similar height and build at the time, so Alice must have put it in my pile by accident. I could have easily just put it back in Isabel's room, but there was something about it that made me not want to do that. I realised after a little while that my Mom had one just like it. I remembered it so well, and suddenly I didn't want to give it back at all." Levi says, "I put the sweater on before I even knew what I was doing. And it just felt…so right. It was like being wrapped in a cloud, and I felt like when my Mom would hold me close to her chest. I knew then that I wanted to feel this way for as long as humanly possible. Just to have her back for a little while longer."

"Oh Levi…" Eren whispers, lifting Levi's palm to his lips before resting it against his face.

"It's okay Eren, I'm fine." Levi assures him, rubbing his fingers across Eren's soft cheek, "From then on, I had a solution, a way of dealing with things when life became too hard or I needed to just let myself go for a little while. I bought a number of new sweaters, as you can see here…" He says, gesturing to the clothes scattered around the place, "…and eventually, I started buying frilly T-shirts when it became too hot to wear the woollen sweaters. Over time, it became less about my Mom, and more like a comfort, so I found myself dressing in my secret clothes at least several times a week."

"Did Alice or Isabel ever find out?" Eren asks, caressing Levi's slender fingers in his warm palm.

Levi shakes his head, "Isabel was never the most observant of people, so she didn't even notice that her sweater went missing in the first place. I don't think she ever actually noticed, or if she did, she never said anything. I never told Alice either, but I think…I think she knew. Sometimes I would just take the clothes off and fold them under my pillow, then later find them washed and folded in the drawers. She never confronted me about it, but really thinking about it, she must have known. The underwear too. The underwear came later when I didn't have the time to lounge around in my room in women's clothes anymore. They were easier as I could just wear them under my clothes, and no one was ever any the wiser. Just like the shirts and sweaters, they'd be folded in with my laundry too."

"She loved you." Eren says with certainty, "She loved you, and it didn't matter to her that you liked to wear that stuff. Even if you chose to do it in public, I'm pretty sure she still would have supported you. She sounds like she was a fantastic mother."

"She was. And I know she loved me, she told me every day." Levi says with a sad expression, "I just wish I could have said it more often."

"I'm sure she knew, Levi." Eren assures him, and Levi gives him a small smile before his shoulders begin to tighten in discomfort.

"So…does it bother you?" Levi asks with an air of sheepishness and Eren looks at him confused.

"Does what bother me, sweetie?" Eren questions with narrowed eyes, and Levi takes a breath before he elaborates.

"Does it bother you that I…like to wear women's clothes in private?" Levi clarifies and Eren is silent for a few beats before breaking out into a massive smile.

"No of course not, Levi! Why on Earth do you think that would bother me? I'm hardly one to talk, and if that's something that you need to do in order to feel better for just a little while, then I will support you 100%. Hell, you can even wear your sweaters, your shirts and your little panties around the house as much as you want, because I love you and I just want you to be happy." Eren reassures Levi, beaming radiantly as Levi holds himself self-consciously in response.

"But Eren, you're a gay man, surely you can't feel comfortable with this? You're attracted to men, not women." Levi questions sadly.

"Who says I can't be comfortable with this? So, you like to wear clothes made for the opposite sex, so what? So do I! And anyway, all clothes are unisex if you think about it, people just need to stop being pussies and get over themselves. You're worrying for nothing Levi. You're a man, yes, but the world isn't just black and white when it comes to being who you really are. There are so many beautiful colours and shades out there, and I want to learn each and every one of yours, baby. I will spend my life trying to learn them all and will do everything in my power to try and help you find them too." Eren promises and Levi finds himself shivering at the endearment Eren bestowed upon him. "Come here."

Eren holds his hand out to Levi, and the man takes it without a word, letting himself be manhandled and held by the man he's fallen so helplessly in love with. The one he'd once sworn he'd never even look to befriend, let alone anything else. My, if only his piece of shit uncle could see him now.

Eren wraps his long arms around Levi's torso, and Levi lets himself bury his face in the crook of Eren's neck, inhaling the natural, alluring scent of the younger man and allows his eyelids to flutter closed as he settles himself into his boyfriend's solid embrace.

"I love you…so, so much Levi. And if you need to wear those clothes to help you feel secure and comfortable, then you do that. Wear them to your heart's content and don't be scared of who you are. Just be you and wear them with pride. But never forget Levi, you don't always need the sweater to feel comforted and cared for. I will always be here, to hold you, touch you and kiss you whenever you want or need it. I would never turn you away and I will always want to be close to you. Don't be afraid, just let yourself feel…" Eren coos at him sweetly, whispering sweet messages of love and care into his ear, and it's not long before he's falling asleep in Eren's arms, feeling safer and more content than he has in years.

"I love you too…" Levi manages, sleepily before the haze takes over completely.

Eren smiles softly when he feels Levi's solid form go limp in his arms, and in order to ensure Levi is in the most comfortable position possible, Eren manoeuvres them both so that he's lying flat on the carpeted floor with Levi still in his arms, dozing away without a care in the world.

With a soft kiss to the older man's forehead, Eren lets his own eyes droop closed and he falls into a deep sleep wrapped all up in everything Levi.

A few hours later, when the sun has gone down and Levi is unsure of what time it is, he looks down at the man in the blonde wig and feels an unexplainable wave of utter contentment shuddering through him as he snuggles back in to Eren's arms, feeling so inexplicably happy and more physically satisfied than he has in years.