Disclaimer: I own nothing from the Harry Potter universe, that all belongs to J.K. Rowling. I also don't own anything by Richard Adams. Non Llewellyn however is mine.

Chapter 20

I stood impatiently next to a run-down muggle bus stop as I fidgeted with the heavy black rimmed glasses on my face. I'd charmed my hair black and for the first time in Merlin knew how long I'd adorned some tinted lip gloss. I was wearing heeled ankle boots, a tartan skirt about an inch shorter than I was comfortable with and a ridiculously tight black polo neck sweater. My dark grey wool jacket was draped over my other arm and my ever present bag I'd transfigured to look like a dark brown leather satchel.

Maybe my steps to disguise myself were a bit over the top but given what I was about to do and who I was about to meet, I wasn't taking any chances. I looked completely unlike myself. As the door sign at the laundrette opposite finally flipped to closed I nodded lightly to show that I'd seen the signal and I made my way to a rusty looking gate just to the right of it, that led on to a dilapidated court yard where a cloaked figure waited for me.

"Do they teach amateur dramatics at the auror department these days? I hardly think this is needed."

I stared hard at Rita Skeeter until she rolled her eyes, opened the gate and led me through to her flat. The interior of her flat was weirdly plain but going by the half emptied trunks and boxes it wasn't hard to see that she had only recently moved here. Given that she was effectively in muggle London though and the state of disrepair on the outside, it was obvious that she had fallen on hard times. I almost, almost, felt bad for her until I recalled just what sort of articles she'd used to write. She'd take just the tiniest hint of a fact before spinning some outrageous scandal. The about of character assassinations she'd carried out over the years hadn't left her with many friends once You Know Who had fallen and Shaklebolt become Minister of Magic.

It was no secret I wasn't a fan of the Ministry or how they'd either neglected to reform after the war, or the reforms they had done as in the auror department had been disastrous, but they had at least set new standards for journalism. No longer could the Daily Prophet spew out spurious articles that belonged in a gossip rag. There were certain criteria that had to be met to get an article published and perhaps Rita Skeeter just hadn't adapted yet. Given what information I had in my bag, I rather hoped she'd learn and quickly.

"There's tea if you want it. I know you'll want to make your own. Clive said you lot don't like accepting food or drink if you don't know or trust whose made it."

I blinked slowly at the middle aged and now that I looked, exceedingly tired witch, in front of me as she leant against a door frame before my mind caught up.

"Oh, Benson. Right well yes, he's got a point. Did you want me to make you one too or have you…"

I trailed off as I saw her take a swig of firewhisky. From the bottle.

"Right. Never mind. If you could save your drinking for after though please Ms. Skeeter I'd really appreciate it."

Fucking hell, she was possibly an alcoholic. Or she was just having a really terrible day. Maybe I was about to really, really make an awful mistake.

I hurried to make myself a mug of tea before I sat myself down on an overturned box, Rita having taken a seat in the only armchair. She clearly didn't want to be entertaining me as a guest.

"I've got a story for you Ms Skeeter. If you want it."

"I might do. I might not, after all I'm clearly busy. First I want you to answer me a question. You're friends with miss prissy pants Granger, and you work with darling Harry and that irritating Weasley, why on earth would you ask me?"

"Because you're good."

At her disbelieving expression I hurried to continue.

"Or perhaps I should say; you could be. You've got a great way of writing Ms Skeeter, your articles were always readable, it was just the contents that were dubious. And look, there's no denying your reputation has taken a tumble. But what I'm about to give you – Rita," I leant forward slightly and noted her eyes widened at the use of her first name, "It could be huge. You'd be respected again. Why would you want someone else to have it?"

There was a hunger in her eyes. She was weirdly reptilian in how her eyes narrowed and darted slightly as she thought, before she re-adjusted her glasses and gazed at me with astonishingly clear eyes. Perhaps the firewhisky had been an act of her own.

"Is it to do with the auror staffing problems?"

I felt a reluctant smile lift the corner of my mouth and I nodded.

"I knew it. I knew you didn't make that offhand comment for nothing. Not that it got me anything but threats when I asked around. Oh don't look so surprised. You think I've never come across aurors like Proctor before? I've lived and reported through two wars dearie, I know a bad wizard when I meet one."

I deliberately kept my face calm as I took in her words before I unclipped my bag and took out a portion of the papers. I had made the decision to drip feed the information I'd found. That way I hoped Rita could start out small. If she led with a massive article right off the bat then all of the contents would be dismissed given her reputation.

"Look I've managed to obtain the staffing records from pre and post war. Here's just the start. Read through it Rita you can see the basic numbers, you can see it start to decline and then when they restructured the auror department…"

I trailed off, giving her time to read the parchment I'd handed her, her eyes hungrily taking in the words.

"Well, where's the rest?"

"I'll have more for you next week. Best to make the readers wait, no?"

She narrowed her eyes at me.

"You don't trust me."

"Not particularly, no."

"Now hold up, if I'm to publish this I need to prove the information was sourced legitimately."

"There's a reference number lodged in the document request department. All confidential and all anonymous."

Unless the staff were in the pocket of those seeking more power.

I shrugged that thought off as best I could. I'd still been reviewing the recent appointments higher up in each department and there had definitely been a few questionable moves lately. How to trace who was putting the pressure on to get certain people either employed or moved however was proving tricky.

"Aren't you breaching your oath to the Ministry?"

I stilled as I considered her question. I mean it was an important one. Every member of staff had to swear an oath of allegiance to the Ministry when they first joined it. It had happened that way for centuries. Now you'd think once they'd seen how easy it was for the Ministry to be infiltrated by hostile forces and taken over during the war they would think to change that rather dated and quite frankly fucking stupid tradition but no. It was still a requirement. An oath had to be sworn.

So in all fairness and to show willingness to comply I had sworn an oath. It just wasn't to the Ministry. You know technically I was still complying. It's not my problem the wording was vague enough I found wriggle room.

"I can promise you I won't be."

"Fine. It'll be on your head anyway. I'll get this submitted for Monday's Prophet. Same time next week for the rest?"

I nodded shortly and left without a further word. I tried to ignore the slight swirl of guilt I was feeling. I mean really I was shipping Ministry secrets to a thoroughly disreputable journalist. But the facts needed to be known. The drop off in aurors following the war was genuinely concerning and after the reforms…well, they'd plummeted. Which led me to believe that it wasn't just Azkaban that was the reason but without the staffing rotas I couldn't be sure. It was one thing sort of noticing it in work, it was another to read it plain as day written in ink before you.

I checked my watch and hurried to head back to the office. It seemed that no matter what I did now I just never had enough time. What with researching wards, tracking the political appointments in different departments, going through the documents Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass had finally provided, surveillance watch of the warehouse and the CMG cottage and trying to find time to do those less important things like you know eat and sleep, it was a bit of a wonder I was still functioning.

My sleep still wasn't brilliant that week and by Sunday as I sat at my desk in the early hours of the morning towards the end of my shift I was still struggling to shrug off the after effects of yet another nightmare. I'd been lost in a maze of stone walled corridors, blood smeared over my face as I'd clutched too big robes to my body. I suppose nightmare wasn't the right word when I knew it was a memory.

I shook my head in annoyance as I tried to banish it once more when I felt the familiar heat come from the notebook in my pocket and I couldn't help a small grin slip on my face. I carefully adjusted the papers in front of me to make it look like I was still working as I quickly retrieved it and flipped it open.

[This is a very important question. Practically life or death. I mean, the whole of civilisation may depend on your response.]

[I know it's a lot of pressure but you must give me your honest answer.]

[Chocolate Frogs or Sugared Mice?]

My grin grew into a smile.

[Chocolate Frogs easily. Sugared Mice should seece to exist.]

[That seems a bit unfair on the mice. What have you got against them?]

I grimaced slightly at the memory.

[I once ate nine bag fulls in one go as a bet. That much suger and your stumock lining do not mix well.]

[How on earth did you, who plans for all known risks, fall for that?]

[I was a very gullible child]

It had been stupid bloody Gruff that had-

I stopped as a sharp pang shot through me and I bit my lip. It wasn't like me to let myself think of him. I had, stupidly I could see now, thought that maybe I'd be hearing for him when Charlie had returned back to Romania and told Gruff he'd seen me but I hadn't had anything at all. It wasn't like I needed the reminder.

[I'm amazed you've admitted that to me.]

[C'mon then now that I actually have your attention…]

I swear he left a deliberate pause for me to roll my eyes.

[It's your turn to ask a question.]

[Alrite. Which professor did you hate the most?]

[You can't pick Umbridge or Snape]

[Bugger. And I didn't do Divination so can't say Trelawney]

[Sinistra. No one should be allowed to make stars that boring]

[I was expecting you to say Binns]

[Nah. I mean everyone expects history to be boring]

[Plus, Fred and I got loads of work on our products done in that class]

What on earth was he on about? History was not boring. In fact, and I flushed slightly in embarrassment as I recalled it, I'd had one of my few ever detentions after I'd politely suggested to Binns how he could amend the syllabus. Seriously, there was so much amazing magical history out there that he just bloody ignored. It was infuriating. I was just about to message to George to let him know how wrong he was about the subject only to see he'd written again.

[Same question to you and same criteria]

[Flitwick]

[You're JOKING!]

[I mean, you must be? Everyone loves Flitwick!]

I most certainly did not love Flitwick. For two very good reasons. I blushed furiously at the thought of the first one. Merlin it had been, hands down, the most mortifying moment of my life and I was never, ever going to tell anyone. I'd never even told Anna and Chloe. Only stupid bloody Gruff knew and he-

I huffed in annoyance and hastily scribbled my second reason.

[Lets just say we had artistic differences over choir]

Mainly that he wouldn't know a good choral arrangement even if it trampled him. I mean seriously my mam was a music teacher, she'd led the choir in the muggle school, I had quite obviously already learnt from the best.

[I'm expecting far more detail then that when we go to The Burrow for lunch. Be warned]

[Alright. Although I guess I know the answer to who your favourite professor was]

[Correct. So who was yours? You can't say Sprout]

Oh now that wasn't fair. He knew I loved Herbology.

Well I couldn't say Snape because even though he clearly knew his subject he had been a bully. Binns I couldn't for obvious reasons. Lockhart and the fake Moody were also obviously not contenders. Hagrid for all I knew my friends love him, was a terrible professor. Slughorn had been creepy, Sinistra was a bit dull. I liked McGonagall but she wasn't exactly what I called a favourite. I frowned.

[I don't think I ever had a favourite. I think, if he'd taught us more, it would have been Professor Lupin]

I blinked at my words but they felt right. I really think he might have been, no other teacher I'd had had anything like his balance of patience, discipline and encouragement. As a second year he'd certainly secured my love of Defence Against the Dark Arts anyway.

"Non heads up, we've got a raid!"

My head did indeed snap up to see Tobin grinning at me from the doorway and I hurriedly scooped up the notepad, shoving it in my pocket as I jogged towards the lockers to get my auror kit together fighting to keep a grip on my surge of nerves.

"'Where to is it?"

"The same warehouse from August, we've had a tip off, I reckon if we're lucky we can arrest another bunch. Might help us get the head guy out of hiding hey?"

Tobin was honestly far too happy about going on a raid but then…that was Tobin. She hated the paperwork but loved all the action.

There were four of us gathered and within seconds we were at the warehouse where we surprised six very unsuspecting smugglers. You know in a way it was a bit of an anti-climax. They were so taken unawares that we had two rounded up immediately. To give them credit I suppose the other four did put up a fair bit of a fight and it was great to actually duel to my full potential for a change. There was just something about being in complete control of my own body as I darted to and fro to dodge a hex or a curse, and to time it just right with my own returning spells. I managed to catch Tobin's eye in the middle of it all and we shared a grin. Hell, when I didn't have time to get properly anxious I loved the action to.

Tobin released another woop of delight as we finally secured the final smuggler.

"Yarnley your criminal days are over."

My eyes widened at the name. Yarnley, fucking Jacob Yarnley? He was only one of the key snatchers from You Know Who's reign who had evaded capture for years. Fucking hell this was huge.

It was only as I stared at his face I realised he was looking far too happy and with a surge of alarm I managed to bite out an Amddifyn and only just in time. A stack of warehouse boxes exploded to our right but my shield thankfully caught most of the splintered debris. I bit out a hiss as a searing pain slashed across my cheek. It seems that maybe I hadn't been quick enough. A hot warmth started to flow across my face and down my neck and I felt myself sway as my memory with the Death Eater tried to flash its way to the surface. Helga I hated blood. I specifically hated blood on my face.

"Fuck Non you were quick, we'd have been completely spiked otherwise. Who knew wood was so dangerous hey?"

I straightened as I turned to face Tobin whose face turned weirdly calm as she looked at me. My suspicions were confirmed when she smiled at me encouragingly.

"Hopkiss and Terry have taken them back to the interview rooms. Here let me get you to the medical room."

I narrowed me eyes even as I tried to ignore the searing pain in my cheek. I mean facial injuries always did bleed more than normal cuts so I didn't think I had to be too concerned about the blood loss and no shards of wood had hit me anywhere else. Tobin was starting to look queasy though so I guess it was a bit more serious than I'd thought and I decided it would be best to try and lighten the mood.

"Tobin, tell me the truth do I…" I trailed off even as I glanced at her with a grave expression. "Do I look like Beckett?"

I rather spoilt it as I giggled and Tobin let out a snort of laughter even as she shook her head at me.

"You're a shit Non you nearly had me worried. Stay there for a sec while I do a last sweep to make sure there's nothing else here and we'll get your face sorted. I mean it's not terrible but yeah, you definitely need a healer."

I counted my breaths as I waited for Tobin to finish securing the area, my mind focused on the capture of Yarnley and nothing else even as I could feel the memory trying to push its way through. The Death Eater was then and this was now, and we'd captured another one of their goons. This was a win. In fact, it was bloody brilliant.

Tobin seemed to share my happier thoughts as she was beaming when she made her way back to me.

"Another one off the list. Heck I wonder if Beckett will let us replenish the biscuit tin now as a reward?"

I started to laugh at that but trailed off with a wince as it pulled at my cheek and as I reached up to touch it she slapped my hand away.

"None of that, you know what the healers are like."

I sighed heavily. I suppose I did.

Some half hour , and a severe scolding later, I was sat back at my desk writing up my report from the raid while the left side of my face felt like it was twice the size as normal.

Apparently the shard of wood that had zipped past my face had gone quite deep into my cheek and I was lucky its trajectory meant it hadn't penetrated further or even caught my ear. Because it was so deep the basic healing spell to knit skin together wouldn't work on all of it. They had mended the lower layers of muscle and skin but I still had a bit of a gaping wound at the top that they'd smothered a salve on and of course there was the swelling to deal with. I groaned heavily.

"Oh c'mon Llewellyn it's not that bad. They've said it'll heal up in two days and you won't even scar."

"Oh I know that. It's just I have Sunday lunch with Mrs Weasley in like oh shit, ten minutes. She already thinks this job is too dangerous for me, what do you think she'll make of this?"

I jabbed rather pointlessly in the direction of my face because I mean really, how could anyone miss it? I only got laughter from Tobin and I scowled at her grumpily, even as I fished the notebook out of my pocket. I supposed I'd better get George to warn her. I blinked in surprise to see I'd missed messages from him.

[Remus was the best, I commend your choice.]

[I still miss him you know]

My breath left me slowly. Shit you know I sometimes forgot that of course George would have known Professor Lupin from his time with the Order of the Phoenix. Helga I sometimes still forgot he was Teddy's father although that was a lot harder to do.

[I'm sorry]

I attempted to pull as much of a face as my swollen cheek would allow. Urgh that was a rubbish message but what was I supposed to say to that?

[And sorry for the deelay responding, I was on a raid]

[And er about that. I may have got a teeny tiny cut on my face.]

[Could you warn your mam? I'm heading over now]

I shoved the notepad back into my pocket, picked up my bag and hurried to the apparition point. I took a moment to pause outside of The Burrow and gather myself. I wasn't anxious, which was weird really, but I was still absolutely thrumming with adrenaline, good adrenaline and I wanted to at least calm myself slightly before I bounded in. Fuck I couldn't believe we'd finally caught Yarnley!

I gave up as another large gust of wind blew around me and I bounced up to the door, knocked and then let myself in.

"Hello, I'm here!"

I called out loudly as I bent to remove my boots.

"We're in the kitchen dear."

I followed Mrs Weasley's voice as I near skipped in to the kitchen. What I was not prepared for was her to scream as she saw me, drop an arm load of dishes and clutch at her chest as though I'd given her a heart attack.

I shot an accusing look at George who was stood by her.

"I told you to warn her!"

"You said it was tiny!"

He looked a bit pale under his freckles really and was staring at me with what I could have sworn was horror and I felt myself deflate. Shit was my face actually that bad? I opened my mouth to respond but was distracted by Mrs Weasley's surprisingly strong grip grabbing hold of my arm and shoving me down into a chair in the kitchen before she hurried off to grab a book.

"In all my years, how on Merlin's beard did they let you leave without healing you, your poor pretty face, I'll be writing a letter I can tell you this is simply unacceptable."

"But they did heal me."

As her face turned an interesting shade of puce I rather wished I could take those words back.

"You mean it was WORSE?! Arthur! ARTHUR! Come and see what state the auror department treat their staff I cannot believe, George go grab your father I-"

"MUM!"

George's bellow somehow managed to stop her in her tracks and whatever mother-son look they shared I was at a loss to follow. I reached up tentatively to touch the cut. Maybe it really was worse than I'd thought. Perhaps the adrenaline had made me overlook the extent of it.

"I wouldn't touch it if I were you."

At the sound of a new voice I turned my head slowly to the right to see Bill, Fleur and Victoire sat at the far end of the kitchen table and I blushed furiously for having not noticed them. It was Bill that had spoken.

"Trust me, I've got experience."

Oh of course he'd had really bad facial cuts of his own. I nodded my understanding and lowered my hand. George it seemed had managed to persuade Mrs Weasley to head out into the garden to look for her husband although really I think it was more to calm herself down. I eyed the cream coloured tube he held in his hand as he approached me with suspicion.

"What is that?"

"It's a healing salve of mine and Fred's invention, should work better than whatever gunk they've put on your face."

He was now stood close to me and staring intently at my cheek and I tried not to fidget.

"Is it that bad?"

"It's actually not." A crooked smile to go with his words had me sighing with relief. "The swelling makes it look worse than it is but heck Non it was a bit of a shock. You alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine. The healers said it should be all gone in two days, I won't scar or anything."

"Well with this it should be all cleared up by tomorrow."

George brandished the tube at me but I leant back slightly in alarm.

"Are you sure that's a healing salve? It's not going to make my face change colour is it?"

"What? No! Look come here just let me-"

"I won't sprout tentacles?"

"No."

"Grow boils?"

"No!"

"Come out in a rash?"

"Don't be ridiculous, I just want to make your face better."

George looked so genuinely put out I almost felt bad.

"Don't look at me like that George you're a Weasley twin and you have a reputation for a reason you know."

"What I want to know is how you have not fallen from the chair leaning back so far like that."

Fleur's voice drew my attention and I glanced at her in confusion before I realised that yes actually, I had titled quite far back to get away from George.

"I have very good balance Fleur."

Which I did, actual top of the auror class when it came to that, or when I wasn't having to pretend to mess up anyway.

"Right, stay still Non."

Even if I hadn't heard the words I'd have frozen as George's hand grabbed my chin gently.

"Are you sure that isn't a joke product?"

George ignored me even as he brought his other hand towards the cut, a blob of salve on his finger.

"Ouch!"

George abruptly let me go and let out a strangled sound of frustration before he levelled me with a very annoyed stare.

"Non. I hadn't even put any on yet."

I flushed a bit in embarrassment.

"Right sorry, just anticipated it. You know Ginny's terrible at putting healing salve on so."

I shrugged but was glad to see him smile.

"I remember."

He took advantage of my momentary confusion to put the salve on the cut and I had to hand it to him it didn't hurt at all. But what did he mean he remembered Ginny putting healing salve on me? Oh right of course, after the last raid and I'd had friction burn. That was when Mrs Weasley had walked into the room when I'd been discussing…

I blushed furiously and George chuckled deeply at my reaction.

Safe words, when I'd fucking mentioned safe words. I didn't dare risk looking at George. Merlin. I'd actually managed to forget that embarrassing moment until now.

"Right all done. If that hasn't healed by tomorrow I owe you gift."

Mrs Weasley called to us then to head out to the garden and my brow furrowed. It was blowing a gale outside were we really going to eat lunch out there? As I stood George as per usual gave me a quick hug before leading me outside.

I soon understood why she called us as George walked forward to help his father. A rather large, well barn really, was being erected and Mr Weasley needed help stabilising the far end. I shivered as a gust of wind swept over me and I hurried to keep up with George. You know being that he was so wide at the shoulders he was a really good thing to shelter behind.

"Non are you using my brother as a wind break?"

I froze as George glanced over his shoulder at me in confusion and I shot a slightly guilty look across to Bill to see he was standing with his arm around Fleur's shoulder, Victoire nestled in her arms as he used his wand to form a magical barrier around them to protect them from the wind. Bloody show off.

"I think it is a very good idea. You should stand closer to him Non, he has a nice broad back to hide behind no?"

I narrowed my eyes before I pointedly moved a step away from George and took out my own wand to make my own magical wind break. And obviously it was the wind that was making my face turn red. Obviously.

It didn't take long for George to finish helping his dad and we were all soon sat inside the barn where George explained it was being set up for Charlie and Alina's wedding which was now just under two weeks away.

"Alright there Non, been on a raid have we?"

"Oh hi Arthur, and yes, got a bit of a scratch but it was worth it."

"Any arrests?"

I knew better than to beam given the wound on my cheek so I settled for bouncing in my seat as I clapped my hands happily.

"Oh yes!"

"Who did you arrest?"

"Now George you should know better than to ask if the arrest has only just been made."

"He's right sorry George. I'm sure it'll be in the Prophet tomorrow."

He grumbled a bit at me but didn't push the point. Sunday lunch at the The Burrow passed without much more of an incident. I was absolutely starving after the raid and it seemed to please Mrs Weasley immensely when I asked for seconds although it did take me longer than normal to eat it as George kept making my food dance across the plate.

As I got ready to leave George walked me to the door .

"Here wait let my put another coat of the healing salve on."

I eyes the tube suspiciously. Wait a moment…

"That's a different one George. What does that do?"

"It's not different."

"Yes it is that has a black cap the other one was navy blue."

George's jaw dropped slightly before he sulkily put the tube away.

"Oh fine. I suppose I should know better by now that you'll notice."

I hummed my agreement as he drew me in for a hug. After a few seconds I wiggled awkwardly.

"Um George, you can let me go now you know."

He was still looking a bit sulky even as I waved him a goodbye and left.

The rest of my Sunday past quickly with ward research (I still had about five books from the library to read through) and I happily crawled into bed that evening although given how close to the surface certain memories had been perhaps I should have been more on my guard.

I was drowning. Blood from the Death Eaters neck continued to pump out against my face even as his heavy weight settled against me, pinning me to the floor and my muscles still screaming in agony could do nothing to move them.

I managed to spit out a mouthful of blood as I finally found strength to turn my head and I took a shuddering gasp of air. The taste of blood in my mouth, it coating my nose was made all the worse as the Death Eater's head lolled against me, his face settling against my neck and he was still.

Oh God I'd killed him. I-I'd killed a man. He was – there was – a dead body. A dead body was on me. And he was heavy, so heavy I couldn't –I couldn't breathe. It was suffocation now and not drowning that scared me. My trembling arms didn't have the strength to push him off me and I slowly, so painfully slowly managed to wriggle my way out from underneath him all the while my heart thrummed with fear at the thought someone might find us. They might see what I'd done. I'd be dead.

Maybe I should be. Maybe it would be better. Better than this.

All I wanted to do was disappear. I wanted to never move again, but I knew I didn't want to be caught and I shivered violently, not just from the trembling in my limbs after the bouts of the cruciatus curse but from the cold as the realisation of my nakedness hit me. I needed clothes but the only ones near me were on the body of a dead man and I recoiled at the thought of using them – but what else could I do?

Forcing myself to my knees I retched as I reached for the knife again to cut the robes from him. I was thankful his face was still hidden behind a mask.

I've killed him. I've killed him. I've killed him.

I didn't think these hands could be mine. That I'd used a knife. Even if it was to save myself. I'd – he was dead. He was dead because of me.

I finally managed to tear enough of the robe free to wrap it around myself and a loud clatter had me stilling and sending a panicked look either way down the empty stone corridor. When no one appeared I let out half a sob and as I stumbled to my feet, hands desperately clutching at the wall my eyes caught on something on the floor and with a trembling hand I reached for it.

It was a wand. It was his wand. If I'd had a voice left I'd have moaned loudly as my fingers wrapped around it. It had been so long, so long, since I'd had a wand in my hand. Since I'd been able to use magic and my vision blurred with tears. My knuckles were near white as I held on to it and with my spare arm clutching the tattered robe to me I started to make my way down the corridor. With each step I was convinced I would be caught, at each corner it took me minutes to build up enough courage to peer around it. A Death Eater would surely be waiting there for me, wouldn't they?

I don't know how much time had passed until I stumbled into a corridor with a small window, a very pale light from outside shining through and I raised the wand to reductoit open only as I tried to say the incantation no noise came from my mouth. I had no voice. I'd never learnt how to do a non-verbal spell. I crumpled then, curled in on myself and sobbed quietly. I would never get free.

I jolted upright in bed, my chest heaving as I rubbed frantically at my face and neck to get the blood off me and it was only at the stab of pain in my cheek as I caught the cut with my hand that jolted me back to reality. I was awake. That had been a nightmare. I wasn't back there. I wasn't stuck there in that corridor all alone and broken.

"I'm Non Llewellyn. I'm Non Llewellyn."

I gasped out the words in a whisper even as I reached with a shaking hand for the glass of water at my beside and took a large gulp. Glancing at my clock I could see that it was only coming up to five in the morning but there was no way on this earth I was going back to sleep. I hugged the duvet closer to me even as I summoned my planner with my wand, my grip on it harder than it probably should be but I couldn't forget again how horrible it had been to live without one.

I was very pleased to see that my next shift at work didn't start until the evening. I effectively had the whole day off and as it was a Monday that meant Hermione wouldn't be there and I could have the place to myself. I could finally, finally just have a day to do nothing, speak to no one and just well try and recharge my batteries, to steal a muggle expression.

I'd known all the last week I was getting too tired any my nightmare just solidified that. The after effects of adrenaline from the raid probably hadn't helped either. Even though I knew that, I could rationalise it at least I couldn't shake the fear from me and I shivered again.

One hot shower and a small breakfast later and I wasn't feeling any better and I pretty much knew then that this was going to be a bad day. I'd caught sight of myself in the mirror in the bathroom and despite the swelling having all but gone from my cheek the cut looked bad. I mean I looked terrible. Both Tobin and George had pretty much lied to me and my stomach churned. Merlin and I'd just traipsed into The Burrow like it was nothing. Like I hadn't just nearly had my face spliced in half. What the fuck was wrong with me?

There was a knock at the door then and I frowned and I walked slowly to open the front door only to be confronted by a floating balloon. I don't know why I did it but I reached a hand out to touch it and as soon as I did it exploded, soaking me in ice cold water.

As I spluttered the sound of laughter reached my ears and George appeared, his flaming hair seeming brighter than normal, his smile wide even as he chortled and I did my best to summon a returning smile. I mean this was just a joke, normally I would be laughing too.

"Well, you finally got me."

He hummed happily as he gathered me into a hug and I couldn't stop myself trembling. I'd been on edge since I'd woken up and the balloon had startled me.

"Hey are you cold? Sorry about the water, here hold on."

I blinked rapidly as a drying and then heating spell passed over me and my brain was still trying to catch up even as George led me through to the kitchen. I really wasn't sure I could cope with the sensory overload that was George Weasley today.

"So I know you have the day off, what did you want to do?"

I felt terrible at the expectant expression on his face and I fought against biting my lip.

"I wasn't going to do anything today George."

I just want to be left alone.

"Oh c'mon Non you never have free time. What shall we do?"

Hibernate.

"Well…I guess I could do some batch cooking…"

"Cooking. If I didn't know you were so tired from work Non that would never be an acceptable answer."

George wagged a finger at me even as he moved to take ingredients from the cupboards.

"Oh…you're going to stay?"

Oh Merlin please don't.

"I like cooking."

Right of course he would.

I wearily made my way to the kitchen and took out a chopping board. My hand nearly fumbled as I went to pick up a knife and I swallowed heavily against the lump that had appeared in my throat before I focused furiously on an onion I had placed before me.

"Here Non, if you use this charm it'll be quicker."

I felt a surge of alarm and I snatched the onion away from George before I could think. I wasn't good at that charm and I didn't want to try and learn it again today. I just wanted…I just wanted…I wanted everything to stop.

"No thank you George I like doing it this way."

"Nah c'mon it's easy I'll show you."

"George can you just – can you please just stop!"

Merlin I felt sick. My stomach was churning with what had to be anxiety, I hadn't eaten anything to upset it, and I only felt worse at the hurt that flickered across his face.

"Non it's just an onion."

But it wasn't. I needed a day of peace and quiet, of doing things I knew how, of just something calm, something routine and George wasn't any of those things.

"I'm not having a good day George and this is my first day off in so long I just…I would just really like some time to myself."

"Right. You know, if you don't actually like my company you should just say Non. If I knew then I wouldn't bloody take the day off to come over to see you. I mean I'd hate to be a bother."

"It's – it's not you George I just really need to-"

"Whatever Non."

My jaw dropped slightly as the normally nice, friendly, happy George Weasley stomped from the room with a face like thunder and the resounding slam of the front door let me know he'd left. A very distant part of me felt bad about that but for the most part I felt relieved at the quiet that now settled over the cottage.

I placed the onion and the knife back on the counter and eased myself slowly to lie down on the kitchen floor. I liked doing that when I was feeling so uncertain. It was something solid, something real and for whatever reason it made me feel better. What I needed to try and figure out was why I was feeling so uncertain. And just why over the last week and a half I'd been sleeping so badly.

I ran through the things in my mind that could be bothering me. Yes everything with work was a concern but that was work, it was something that I could focus on and look to resolve which usually made me feel better. Providing Rita Skeeter with Ministry information did make me feel uneasy but again it didn't explain this strange anxious and oppressive feeling that I couldn't shift. My mind darted briefly to the thought of Gruff but again that didn't seem right. That was an on-going niggle, like a slightly sensitive tooth that I could forget about apart from the rare moments it would bother me.

No, this was something else. It was…oh Merlin it was the wedding. Susan and Ernie's wedding. I'd felt bad as soon as I'd seen the invite. I-I didn't want to go.

I let out a breath as I realised that. Their wedding was on Friday and I felt my stomach churn with unease. I'd have to think of something to wear, I'd have to plaster on a smile and pretend to be happy for hours, there'd be so much talk about Justin and, fuck I really needed to warn George about that. I felt my face crumple and I brought my hands up to cover it, even as I felt my eyes get wet and I let out a shaky breathe.

"Hey Non, are you here?"

Oh no why was he back?

"Look I'm sorry I left like that I – hey what are you doing on the floor?"

I didn't dare take my hands away from my face.

"I like it down here."

"But you're trembling again are you still cold?"

"No it, it's just adrenaline George I've got too much."

Which was true. I felt pleased with myself that I could at least get that honest bit of information out.

"Well you can't stay down there Non can you – can you please look at me?"

I shook my head silently and I heard him sigh. I nearly squeaked with surprise as I felt George settle on the floor next to me.

"Why do you like it down here?"

I swallowed heavily. Damn he was going to make me talk, but at least he wasn't making me take my hands away from my face. I mean really this was absurd and embarrassing but I knew by now that it was best to at least try and explain myself to him. And I actually felt it would be easier to respond to him when I couldn't see him. Now all I had to do was try and find the words.

"When I have a bad day I feel all…like I have no roots." God that wasn't right, that wasn't the word but I couldn't think how else to say it. "When I lie here I feel like I'm at least connected to something."

"And why did you react like that about the onion? I need to know Non, I don't like upsetting you."

"It – it wasn't the onion George." I flushed with embarrassment. God this was mortifying. I was going to sound so stupid. "When I feel like this I –I need things that make me feel certain. I like to know what I'm doing. Anything new or that I hadn't planned for would have made me react like that. It just – it made me feel panicked."

I bit my lip hard to try and stop myself crying properly.

"And when you say you feel like 'this' – how is that?"

Merlin he was asking me difficult questions.

"I don't know how to explain it. I just don't feel like myself. Like I'll never get better. It's like, I mean I'm just….I'm just afraid."

Oh God and I was. Of everything. Everyday really was like a battle against things that alarmed me, that scared me, that challenged me and Helga I was so tired. Would it never end?

"Okay Non I am going to move you now off the floor so please don't you know be startled and break my nose again okay?"

I managed a half groan half gargled laugh which soon caught in my throat as I felt George try and lift me. I managed to scramble to my feet myself to stop him even as I rubbed at my face in embarrassment. I could feel George stare at me for a long moment before he looped an arm around my shoulder and steered me to the living room. He busied himself with lighting the fire before he led me over to the armchair and pulled me down to sit on his lap and I immediately tensed.

"George I don't need to sit on you, I can sit on the sofa."

"No I need to you to sit here where I can be sure you're listening."

He had one arm around my waist even as the fingers on his free hand played with the hem of my jumper.

"Look Non I know you probably don't think it but in the few months I've known you…you are getting better. And I can't pretend to understand what it is that your anxiety makes you feel but I want to try. Will you – will you let me?"

I kept my eyes trained on a small hole in the knee of my jeans, my hair hanging forward to cover most of my face and I could feel my eyes fill.

"I don't want to go to the wedding."

I blurted the words out before I could think and felt George jerk slightly in response.

"What do you mean – you mean Susan's wedding? Why not?"

I let myself blabber on then, about how hard I found it to mingle with Hufflepuffs since the war, about how many memories of Anna and Chloe there would be, how hard I would find it to plaster on a smile for the day, to socialise for hours and finally, finally I drew up the courage to dart a look at George's face.

"And well, then there's Justin. Do-do you remember Justin?"

The door in my head where I kept everything Justin firmly shut behind creaked itself slightly open.

"What Finch-Fletchley? Yeah I remember him he was in the DA."

"Well he was, I mean he and I, we-we dated. Before he died. I mean obviously before he died but we were – at the time – we were a-a c-couple."

"He was your boyfriend?"

"Yeah he, I mean we'd fancied each other off and on for years but never did anything about it but after the war we-we did. And then well – he died."

My lips felt strangely numb and this time I really did feel cold and even as I shivered I felt George's arm tighten around me and I nearly jumped as his hand cupped my cheek.

"Sorry, just checking your cut. It looks a lot better."

I could appreciate his reassuring smile even though I knew it was a lie. I'd seen the cut myself this morning and it was awful.

"I'm sorry you lost him Non. I'm sorry he died."

"It was a long time ago now it's just he was Ernie's best friend and he's never really gotten over it so he'll be mentioned a lot. It'll be hard to listen to."

That was probably one of the biggest understatements I'd ever made. It was going to be excruciating.

George hand dropped and he wrapped his other arm around me and this time I didn't mind. Hiding my face in his shoulder was much preferable to looking him in the face.

"I'll help you."

I felt the words rumble through him and my mouth raised in a half smile, probably my first proper one of the day.

"Thank you."

"So I'm guessing you just want to sit quietly and do nothing right?"

"That is exactly what I want to do."

I felt ridiculously pleased that for one that painful conversation looked to be over, and two George finally seemed to be cottoning on that I quite liked days where I could do nothing.

"Okay well, let's do that then."

"George you can't sit quietly and do nothing."

"I bloody can. I shall prove it. You sit here and I shall read a book."

"That's not nothing George."

"Well no, but I'll be quiet. Here I think I'll read….this one."

I heard a faint flutter of book pages as George summoned a book and I tried my hardest to relax but I honestly felt a bit uncomfortable to be sat on him and the tension across my shoulders didn't look like it was going to go away any time soon. Stupid anxiety. Stupid adrenaline, God I hated it.

"Blimey that Fiver's a bit odd isn't he? Hazel seems smart though."

I had to stifle a groan. Of course bloody George wouldn't be able to say quiet.

"Oh I like this Bigwig."

"I call my Patronus Bigwig."

I'd surprised myself by answering, even as I kept my eyes closed.

"You did? Your Patronus is a rabbit?"

"It is. I like it. There's a bit in the book, about how resourceful and tricky rabbits can be. Like how the whole world is their enemy, and if they catch them they'll kill them but first they have to be caught. And that's the whole point with rabbits – they're so difficult to catch."

I'd cried the day I found out what my Patronus was. Firstly because I'd always loved the book. Secondly because for a time I'd done so well at not getting caught and then finally, because I knew what happened when you were. Never again. I'd never let any of them catch me again.

George was now being surprisingly quiet and I raised my head to look at him but his eyes were focused on the page.

"What's yours?"

His brown eyes flickered to mine even as a slow grin spread across his face.

"A coyote"

My eyes widened slightly. Oh God.

"That is…actually a bit alarming. Don't they eat rabbits? You aren't going to eat me are you George?"

I snorted a laugh at his perplexed expression even as I settled my head back on his shoulder and sighed. Merlin he would be a coyote wouldn't he? That was just so typically George.

"I mean, you'd have to catch me first anyway."

I yawned slightly as George hummed his agreement and I tentatively raised an arm to wrap around him. I wasn't entirely sold on using him as a pillow but he didn't seem like he wanted me to move and now that I'd been sat on him for a while I realised that he was actually quite comfortable. As we sat there now thankfully in actual silence I finally felt the tension drain from my shoulders and I sank further into George. I didn't feel better but I at least felt slightly less worried which I supposed was something and Merlin I was tired. I yawned again and closed my eyes sleepily and I'd just started to drift off when I felt words rumble through his chest.

"How do I catch you Non?"

I huffed out a half laugh as I struggled to wake myself enough to answer. I mean I was wedged against him and his arm wrapped around me already, what a silly question.

["You already have George."]

All I got was an arm squeeze in response and with another sleepy sigh I finally fell asleep.

A/N:

Sorry this chapter was a few days late, I hope you all like it. The book is of course Non's favourite - Watership Down.

I'm getting to the stage where I've dreamt up scenes for so long that I'm only just starting to write them up that I'm now half convinced I've already included them in earlier chapters so if it turns out that I have in fact duplicated myself anywhere can you please let me know! This story has become far bigger than I ever intended it to be (oops).

Hello to my new followers and to those that have been wonderful enough to review - *thank you*. Your words mean a great deal to me and I appreciate each and every one.

Until the next chapter then.

Diolch,

Yav