But What If

by Yavanna and SunStar

It's the summer of 2002 when Non Llewellyn, an anxiety riddled PTSD suffering auror, is just struggling to get through the days. Hot on the case of dark wizards who evaded capture after the war, she doesn't have time for any additional stress but when a new Ministry of Magic law gets put into place her world will never be the same again. *AU as FW lives*

21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I own nothing from the Harry Potter universe, that all belongs to J.K. Rowling. Non Llewellyn however is mine.

Chapter 21

You know it wasn't that I had become disappointed we'd captured one of the last major fugitives from the war but I can't deny that it was just a tiny bit unfortunate timing. I huffed out a heavy sigh as I turned over the front page of the Daily Prophet which had near every spare inch covered in reporting on our capture of Jacob Yarnley. I had to thumb through at least six pages before I found again the article I was looking for.

It was Rita's piece about the staffing levels in the auror department. It was only perhaps a third of the page and all without Rita's usual flare for well…lies but it was there. The right figures, the alarming drop off, but who on earth was going to pay attention to that when the front page was singing our department's praises?

Perhaps in a way it was better and this approach I wanted would go under the radar for longer, whilst still slowly sinking in to the public.

I'd already sent Rita some more information. This time it was the figures that focused solely on the drop off in auror numbers from when Azkaban had been re-opened to be manned by witches and wizards. It was a steep drop off. I was still a bit unsure it was my own bias talking so I was really keen to see what approach Rita would take to it next week. At least with her return to journalism I knew I could count on getting a truly individual point of view of it. I was then going to feed her the anonymous forms some auror's had completed either when they retired or had switched careers. It was easily over seventy percent saying they had left the department solely because they had to work at the prison. I mean it was incredibly frightening really.

While that was in effect on a slow burning cauldron I'd been rifling through this week the maintenance reports I'd finally received. I rubbed at my face tiredly even as I sat slouched on my bed, one sock only half on my foot as I blinked blearily to look out the window. It was pitch dark out even though it wasn't long past seven in the evening. My shift started in about two hours' time but I'd woken from my nap early because I'd needed to go over a few more notes for the report I was preparing for Beckett.

What I had discovered whilst going through the ten, foot high piles of reports (I mean seriously the magical community needed a much better method of cataloguing stuff it was ridiculous) was that there had been maintenance issues with the wards and cell shields right from the start.

Now in my research of wards they were near universal in being self-sustaining when the spells were cast. Only if the witch or wizard were to die, or finish the spell themselves, should they fail unless they came under a sustained direct attack. Shields were a bit trickier. Basic defence shields like protego needed only a small bit of power to be held so long as they weren't being impacted by anything. The cell shields were something similar, it was actually quite a nifty bit of magic where a ward and shield had been combined so again, it should never be failing.

The only spell I had ever come across that could fail or well, drain of power was my amddifyn spell. It packed one hell of a punch but it couldn't be held indefinitely, I knew that from experience and it was dangerous to try and hold it for extremely long periods.

So what the maintenance reports were telling me was that both wards and cell shields were being drained of power which according to all magical theory on the subject should be impossible. I'd conducted a few experiments of my own against wards at various ministry buildings and they still functioned perfectly, and the maintenance department never had a single problem with any of them. The only difference I could see, the one single factor that could cause these wards to be drained of power was the fact that they were on Azkaban itself.

I mean the island was evil, everyone knew it. It had been by all accounts the birth place of the Dementors and they drained every shred of happiness from those close to them, and that was before you considered the horrific soul sucking they were capable of. Was it any wonder that the Island that had been their home for centuries could have a similar effect on magic?

I leant forward to fumble with the laces of my shoes as I thought furiously over the next part of the report I was trying to prepare. It wasn't then that the wards being drained was so much the issue, the spells could just be renewed and it wouldn't be a problem – just annoying. No what was the problem was that in the last six months were the random instances where the wards and shields weren't being drained slowly, they were simply being knocked out.

There had been one in particular that had near broken the ward on one whole side of the prison and as I'd checked the dates I'd been horrified to see it matched the date of the report Morris had prepared for when he discovered the inside out fish on the island. I could still feel the swirl of nausea low in my stomach as I'd thought of the implications of that.

If that experimental magic, which I knew was so powerful it could turn an actual human being inside out, was in its apparent test stage able to knock out nearly one whole side of the wards at Azkaban, just how many would it be able to take out if it was perfected? Would it be able to break all of them?

I attempted to sit upright even as I massaged at the sides of my head, trying to fight off a headache. It didn't really bear thinking about. If the shields failed there would be a mass break out and we currently had the top floor in use full to the brim of You Know Who's most dangerous followers that were still living. What's worse they had been kept in solitary confinement with no hope of rehabilitation and whose grip on rationality would be seriously questionable, even more so than it had been before they were captured.

To have them back out and free, with only an extremely depleted auror department to handle it? I could feel the thrum of fear course through me at even the thought. I had to let Beckett know about this in my report even if it was me just being stupidly paranoid and over cautious. I mean I still didn't have any sort of link between CMG and the prison. A few aurors not liking muggle borns just wasn't enough evidence. Also annoyingly since we'd discovered the cottage hideout there hadn't been any more cases of experimental magic at any of the coastal sites at all.

I felt that he had to know he was being watched but how he'd discovered it again I didn't know. If I was being super suspicious I would say there was a mole in our investigations team but I didn't really want to go down that road. I knew that I needed to be suspicious of Proctor and Stent's teams but I rather hoped that Beckett would have all of us in line from his end. I supposed I'd better mention it in the report anyway.

I heaved myself to my feet as I made my way slowly downstairs. Merlin, but I was exhausted. It was a culmination really of my crazy work rota from the last few months combined with an absolute vicious return of my anxiety due to Susan's wedding. I mean logically I knew it was a stupid thing to get anxious over but I was so tired it seemed that no matter what I did I couldn't keep my anxiety down to a manageable level.

Even now at just the thought of it I could feel the creeping dread start to seep over me. There'd been a permanent lump in my midriff all week that had near stopped me eating and even though I was nearly asleep on my feet when I finished my shift, by the time I lay my head down to rest my mind would just kick in and anything I could worry about, I would. I just didn't seem to be able to stop myself.

Ginny had come to my aid on the Wednesday to help me sort through what to wear. As Ernie and Susan were both purebloods it was a bit more traditional so it was definitely dress robes as opposed to a more muggle style of dress. I'd had a pale blue one since I was fifteen and luckily with a few quick charms Ginny was able to refit it for me. What I couldn't ignore though, no matter how often I told myself I was being stupid, was the creeping feeling that I would just look out of place especially by turning up with George. He would want to be the life and soul of the party whereas I would be doing everything I could just to stand there without passing out. I couldn't for the life of me see that it would be anything other than a disaster, or at the very least just a trial for me to get through. And I was just so fed up of it. A wedding was supposed to be a celebration, why did my body have to trick me into thinking it was something to dread instead?

I huffed, angrily this time as I tried to shake those thoughts away. My body was reacting to them again and I felt my head spin slightly even as I sat at the kitchen table to scratch a few more lines into my report. At least by this time tomorrow it would be almost over.

When the time finally came I miserably made my way outside to apparate and walk my way to our surveillance spot. I supposed I was quite lucky really that Hermione hadn't been there that evening, and I flushed with embarrassment as I recalled just why I didn't want to bump into her. Just the day before I had finished my shift very late at night and when I'd crept upstairs I'd heard a strange thump from her room. I had honest to Helga just got to her door to knock and ask if she was okay when I'd hear a moan. And I mean it was a good moan, what's more it was a man's moan. Followed by rhythmic thumping and well…a lot of accompanying noises. I don't think I'd ever back peddled from a room so quickly before. I mean I had been that close to knocking on and opening the door while Hermione was clearly having sex with Fred Weasley.

Or well, I hoped that it was Fred. I could feel my skin prickling with my blush even now. Thank God I hadn't opened the door. Merlin just the thought of it I-

"Nice to see you're on time Llewellyn."

I frowned fiercely even as I ducked into the hideout. That wasn't Gilden's voice. It was with a rather minor surge of alarm that I saw I'd be on surveillance duty with Beckett.

"Wow, we really are short staffed aren't we?"

I got an irritated grunt as a reply and I quickly took my seat before fishing out my usual flask of tea and tin of treats, that after I'd taken what I wanted I sent hovering over to Beckett who helped himself without a word.

I hadn't done any work shifts with Beckett since that first week of my phased return back to field work and I wondered if we truly were that short staffed that he was helping out on surveillance, which was a complete waste of his time, or if he was checking up on me. I rather hoped it was the former. Usually if Beckett wanted to check up on me he'd just invite me into his office to lecture me for a while.

As he didn't seem inclined to say anything further I kept myself quiet and curled up in my seat, my eyes trained blearily on the cottage. There was a flicker of a light from one of the windows so we knew it was occupied this evening at least. Or it was a false lead and we were just sat here watching an empty cottage. That was always a depressing possibility.

Now that Beckett was actually here I took my time to consider how best to hand the report over to him. I was still nowhere near finished on the smuggling side of things but my worry over the experimental magic and wards made me think it was better to pass him an interim report now. See Beckett was tricky, and whilst I knew he let me get away with far more than he did some of the other members of staff I still had to be careful of his moods. On a good day he was even fair game for a bit of teasing but that was only if there was no one else around. Given over the last year how much overtime I'd done at my desk that had happened quite a lot. He wasn't a bad boss really, even if he did drive me up the wall sometimes.

I felt a surge of warmth in my pocket that meant George had messaged me. Damn, with Beckett here I couldn't even really chance looking at it. If it was Harry or Ron I'd have simply asked but with your boss it was slightly different. And I wasn't going to be able to check it for bloody hours, this was so annoying. I wonder what he'd sent?

And hour later and clearly having received three further messages I couldn't ignore it any longer and under the guise of getting another cookie out of the tin I hunched my knees up higher as I titled to more of an angle and I slid the notepad out of my pocket. With the way I was sat now Beckett shouldn't be able to see it.

[So I've been rejigging my design for your dribble bib.]

[C'mon now Non we both agreed on Wednesday you needed one]

[Ah so it's to be the silent treatment]

[If you do not respond before midnight I will send it to you via special owl mail and it will find you wherever you are]

My reactions changed from annoyed, to outraged, to amused and the alarmed.

Just because, and I had to fight a creeping blush, when I'd fallen asleep on George I had bloody dribbled in my sleep he'd been making wise arse comments all week about me needing a bib if only to protect his t-shirts. His so call agreement on Wednesday had been no such thing in fact I'd been adamant I would never fall asleep on him again. I did not however want any prototype bib being sent to me so as it was creeping past eleven in the evening I hastily scribbled a reply.

[No bib rekwired. I did not agree. Am in work]

I was just about to put the notepad away feeling I'd pushed my luck already when it heated up again in my hands.

[I've an emergency bib on its way to you. Wouldn't want you to dribble on a colleague]

Oh really, what an arse. I scribbled back furiously.

[You're hilarious]

[Finally you've realised. I mean it is my line of work after all.]

[What, making products you've been speficially told aren't wanted? Rubish business plan if you ask me]

[I think someone needs a nap]

[I think someone is pushing their luck]

[I think someone will be very happy with the post work breakfast I've prepped ready]

I paused to purse my lips in thought, my grumpiness quickly disappearing before making a move to reply again.

"If you do not hand that notepad over right this second and start doing your job so help me Llewellyn…"

I froze in my seat. Oh fucking fucking shit. Shit.

I fumbled to close the notepad even as I blindly held it out for Beckett to snatch from my hands as I kept my eyes focused dead ahead on the building a feeling of panic combined with a horrible mix of mortification started to swirl in my stomach. How on earth had I just forgotten that I was working? I mean I'd even told George I was in work. Oh god he'd just irritated me so bloody much. Merlin I'd just thought to myself that Beckett might have been checking up on me and what do I do? I was such an idiot.

And what was Beckett going to do with the notepad? He hadn't even needed to finish his threat to me to make me hand it over, Merlin he had sounded furious with me. I still didn't dare look away from the building but I desperately wanted to know what Beckett was doing. I could hear the light scratching of the quill against the notepad.

What the fuck was he writing to George?

I could feel myself starting to overheat with panic but I still couldn't dare move my head. The minutes ticked on, my eyes were starting to hurt with how much effort it was taking not to dart a sneaky glance to my side and then finally I heard him snap the notepad shut.

"I would like a progress update Llewellyn."

What, really? No further reprimands?

"Oh okay, I mean I'm sorry about the notepad I didn't mean to-"

"I don't want to listen to your romantic problems Llewellyn. Update, now."

I had to screw my face up not to spit out a reply. Romantic problems? What absolute fucking nonsense.

Still, at least it meant I could broach the topic of my report, and in a way talking it over with Beckett would be a good way to unload my mind and help keep my awake. It didn't take away from the residual surge of panic having been caught sneaking messages in work, nor the churning anxiety at what he'd written to George but it was enough that it helped the shift pass quickly.

Beckett didn't say much as I spoke, just the occasional prompt but usually it was an annoyed grunt of acknowledgement at each point I was making.

"That's enough Llewellyn. I want your write up handed over next week, with a follow up on the smuggling in the next month."

"Do you think I'm on the right track or?"

"Or what?"

I bit my lip before deciding just to go ahead and ask.

"Or am I being paranoid? Seeing things that aren't there?"

It was always a concern of mine. That I overthought and was overly suspicious of everything. It was a trap aurors could fall into and I so badly wanted to avoid it.

"It's our job to think the worst Llewellyn. And more importantly, it's our job to follow the evidence. You're doing that. Stop doubting yourself. Now tell me. Have you a list of candidates for this CMG, as you like to call him?"

I frowned to myself. Guess that was subject closed in the world of Beckett. I mean he hadn't really answered my question, or well he had a bit. God I was getting to that so tired stage I was finding it hard to follow a conversation. Hold on, he'd asked me a question hadn't he?

"I think its Rabastan Lestrange."

"Any particular reason as to why?"

The words came to me slowly. I mean I hadn't really consciously been thinking it was him but as I spoke the more certain I became.

"He is the last senior Death Eater at large. The CMG's signatures are remarkably similar to that of a Death Eater, namely anonymity, recruiting underlings and an abuse of magic. It would make sense for the CMG to be targeting a break in at Azkaban even if it was just to free his brother. And of course he has French links which helps to link everything up with the smuggling."

"No other names?"

"Not really. It could always be someone new, and unknown but I don't feel like it is."

"A hunch is good. But it could also lead you up the garden path. Don't set everything on it being him."

I nodded automatically. He wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know but I wasn't going to argue with him at all for the rest of the shift. Not after I had apparently gotten away with only a mild scolding after so obviously not paying attention.

We only had a couple of hours left and by Helga, they were a struggle. I kept nearly drifting off only for my head to jerk my head upright just as I caught myself from falling asleep. I was worried every time I blinked that they were so slow that on one of them my eyes just wouldn't open again.

Finally, finally it was five in the morning and Beckett and I crept our way outside even as our replacements appeared around a turn in the path. We walked in silence, sort of a companionable silence really until we got to the apparation clearing.

"Er, Beckett? I um, am I able to have my notepad back please?"

He levelled me with a completely unreadable look and I squirmed uncomfortably. I hated it when he did that, normally there was usual some sort of emotion I could read, more commonly annoyance, but now there was nothing, but he did hand it over to be slowly.

"You listen to me carefully Llewellyn. You keep your head in the game. No distractions. We can't afford it. I've warned him, you see that he listens."

What does he mean, warned him?!

Before I could even control my surge of alarm to question him, Beckett had gone.

Oh fucking shit, what the hell had he written? I hastily flipped the pad open but it was blank. I don't know how Beckett had done it but even though the page normally stored the last few messages – there was nothing at all. Panic thrummed through me. Oh shit, I had to get to George. Like right now. Beckett could be an absolute arse, and that was putting it nicely.

I quickly apparated to Diagon Alley before almost jog walking down the street where I slipped in to the side door by the twins' shop and raced up the stairs. It was only as I pounded on the door that I remembered it was only just gone five o'clock in the morning and both George and Fred were likely to be asleep. I couldn't exactly take the knocks on the door back though and I could already hear someone moving down the hall. Bugger.

The door inched open slightly before being flung wide to reveal a very sleepy and dishevelled looking George Weasley, his old grey t-shirt clearly creased from sleep and only half tucked in to his checker pyjama bottoms.

"Are you alright?"

We both blinked at each other stupidly as we'd spoken at the same time, before he grabbed hold of my hand to pull me inside.

"Merlin Non, you're freezing, c'mere."

I hadn't realised I was cold but as George tucked me under his arm as he led me through to the kitchen I couldn't stop a shiver as I realised just how toasty warm he was.

"I'm fine, I didn't notice. God George what did Beckett write to you? He said he'd warned you and I know how much of an arse he can be he mmph"

I tried to glare at George as he put a finger to my lips to silence me but I couldn't get my eyes to focus properly so ended up blinking like an idiot which only annoyed me all the more when he unsuccessfully tried to hide a grin.

"Let me make us a cuppa. And he was fine, no bother. Were you alright though? Thought I'd managed to land you in proper trouble."

George had settled himself to lean with his lower back against the counter edge as he kept one arm looped around me and used his wand to make the tea. I stood with my arms crossed, blinking against the slightly harsh light in the kitchen. When I tried to shrug I could feel myself sway slightly. God I really needed to pass out.

"Nah he was surprisingly fine. Furious at first but…yeah no actual reprimand. That's a bit weird actually…"

I tried to get my brain to work through why that was weird and startled myself as my head hit George's shoulder and I struggled to straighten myself up. Oh man I couldn't fall asleep on him again, not after his stupid bib debacle all week. I gave up trying to hold my cup of tea as my arms felt so wobbly and George frowned slightly even as he started to slurp at his own.

"Hey aren't we going to wake up Fred?"

I probably should have thought of that before we'd started talking normally as everyone knew George wasn't quiet but he just shrugged.

"Nah he's not in."

"Ah he's probably at mine shagging Hermione."

As George nearly spat out his mouthful of tea I started to laugh sleepily so much so I nearly didn't stay upright.

"How'd you know about that?"

You know this should have warned me how tired I was, I didn't even blush when I recounted my Wednesday evening almost encounter not even when George nearly choked on another mouthful of tea he was laughing so much. He plonked the mug down on the kitchen counter before rubbing laughter tears from his eyes and wrapped me in a bear hug.

"Fuck Non, you make me laugh."

I must have made a loud enough sound of muffled complaint that he finally relaxed his hold on me enough I could move my head to draw a breath although I appeared to have lost the strength to lift it from his shoulder even as I tried me hardest to keep my eyes open.

"I need to move George or I'll fall asleep."

"Sleep then."

"No I'll dribble."

"I thought you said you didn't dribble?"

I grunted in annoyance as I closed my eyes to prepare myself for a stupid quibbling match with him. I struggled to lift my head but finally managed to and opened my slightly gummy feeling eyes to see an equally sleepy looking George. Ah shit I forgot I'd just woken him up.

"I don't dribble."

Merlin I felt light headed and I cast a frown around the kitchen. The chair didn't look comfy enough to rest in. I could see it was just gone six and I really-. I froze.

Just gone six? Shouldn't it be just gone five?

I glanced back at George to see a slight wet patch on the shoulder of his t-shirt. Of fucking hell I had dribbled.

"Did I just fall asleep standing up?"

I was jostled slightly as George chuckled and it took me a couple of attempts to disentangle myself from him.

"God sorry George that must have been so uncomfortable."

"I'm not complaining."

"I need to go home and pass out."

I mean I really did. My still however half asleep and very uncharacteristically uncoordinated body was not complying and after I'd managed to walk into the table and two separate chairs before stumbling in to the door frame I heard George tut before an arm started to propel me down the hallway and past the front door.

"I'm not sleeping in your bed."

I was only answered by snort of laughter as George pushed me gently on to the sofa seeming completely heedless that I landed face first. I think I'd have just passed out like that but after a few moments I startled as a heavy weight settled on me and I felt George nudge me in the ribs.

"C'mon budge over, I'm at least going to get a nap in before work, you don't need that much room."

"Yovmed."

I pulled a face at myself even as I tried to shift to my side and attempted to speak again.

"You've got a bed."

"Oh I know, I just need to make sure you don't accidently smother yourself in your sleep."

I'm sure I had a witty retort to that somewhere but exhaustion must have finally gotten to me and I suppose I fell asleep.

I was trying so hard to assemble what looked like an old Roman fort in front of me built out of even sized wooden blocks, but whenever I finished one end I would see that the beginning had all fallen over. Then when I fixed that and looked back at the end, it had also collapsed. I got to my third try when a part of my brain which must still have been somewhat conscious recognised that this was a dream.

["Cariad, you're doing it wrong."]

"[Mami!"]

I gasped in outrage at her words even as my mam calmly walked over and smashed the rest of the blocks to the floor. Firstly it had taken me bloody ages to build this much and secondly she knew I hated getting things wrong.

["You've got to start again. If it didn't work before, try a different way."]

"[How can I possibly build it a different way, they're just blocks Mam, they only fit one way."]

She just smiled maddeningly at me as she settled herself onto a mound of cushions before setting out marking a bundle of music scores. We were outside now and I could have sworn I'd been indoors not a second ago.

I sat with I'll admit a pretty big pout on my head and every now and then I'd scowl up at the sky, who the heck was making so much noise? I could swear there were people talking but there was no one here but me and mam.

"…the shop…open…at work…"

I twirled one of the blocks idly between my fingers as I tried to puzzle it out. How could mam say it could be built a different way?

"…tired she needs to…quiet…not wake…"

"You've gone soft."

That voice had sounded so close that I stood and turned but there was no one there but as a loud laugh sounded I scrunched my face up in annoyance and tried desperately to burrow my face deeper into my pillow.

Wait, my pillow, what? Was I awake? I attempted to move one of my arms but it didn't listen to me and even when I tried to open my eyes they stubbornly stayed shut. Oh Merlin I hated when this happened, when your mind woke up before your body. I knew it didn't last long but it was a horrible feeling.

"Blimey Georgie, I take it back by the looks of it you haven't gone soft at all."

"Oh fuck off Fred."

An answering booming laugh from Fred had me groaning in almost distress as I really did wake up properly now and could finally move, and I tried my hardest to move my hand quickly to cover my ear but it was so slow.

["My arms are wool."]

Merlin I felt pitiful and to make matters worse they were trying to move my pillow and I latched on to it desperately.

"Non hey let go."

["Na."]

"Look just sit up for a moment, I need to just pop to the loo, I won't be long."

I felt myself being moved and I braved opening my eyes only to scrunch them back closed as early morning light greeted me.

"Oh c'mon Non, don't look so miserable, it's a beautiful morning!"

I frowned slightly as I realised the voice had changed a bit and this was surely Fred. I risked opening my eyes again only to see him crouched in front of me, one hand on my shoulder to hold me up as he beamed at me. He was so offensively happy I actually issued a noise of disgust and looked away.

["You're so loud."]

"I've no idea what you just said but if it was to confirm that I'm dashingly handsome then yes Non, I completely agree. Oh now come on don't give me such a hang dog look."

I hadn't realised I was but I must have been. I cast around confusedly for my pillow and felt my face crumple when I couldn't see it.

"Oh no, please don't cry. George would moan at me so much and believe me, he's unbearable. Shit please don't, Non what's wrong?"

["I'm just so tired."]

Most of me felt numb but I was so light headed, I felt dreadful. It was like someone had scrunched him a ball of miserable and shoved it right inside me. A loud thump had me looking up to see Fred sprawled on the floor as George knelt in front of me but not before he cast his twin an ugly look. I felt my eyes droop even as Fred decided now would be an appropriate time to shove his twin back.

"Why the hell doesn't she just floo home if she's that tired?"

"You're an idiot Fred, she doesn't have a connection."

"Well just bloody get her connected up to floo then."

I felt a surge of adrenaline as the words filtered slowly into my brain as my heart started to beat furiously.

["You mustn't connect my home to the floo!"]

Oh God they really couldn't. It just wasn't safe. It was how they got in. The Death Eaters when they'd taken over the Ministry, its how they got in and before I could even blink my mam had been killed. They couldn't, I couldn't, I had to never have it connected to my house I just needed to-

"Non look at me."

I struggled to get my tired eyes to focus on George and I all of a sudden became aware that the gasping breathing I could hear was coming from me.

"That's it. Now what's so bad about the floo network?"

["It's not secure. It's not safe."]

My chest felt horribly tight and I was becoming aware that they were both focusing far too intently on me and this time when I blinked the room seemed a little clearer.

"George honestly mate I can't even tell what bloody language she's speaking what's the point of asking her anything?"

A very distant part of my brain was telling me to scowl at Fred but I didn't have the energy to do it.

"Go to work Fred, Verity will need help."

"I bloody know that it's why I came to see where you were."

George point blank decided to ignore his twin as he pushed at me gently until I was lying back down before he slid himself on to the sofa and turned on his side, so that his shoulder hid Fred from my view. As a blanket was pulled over me the last thing I saw was a lopsided smile.

Next time I woke it was much more gradually and I breathed deeply as I tried to piece my morning back together. I vaguely recalled having woken earlier, I was sure Fred had been here at some point but it was all honestly a bit of a blur. Even as I kept my eyes closed I took my time to take stock of where I was exactly.

There was the faint hubbub of noise outside that meant I was still in Diagon Alley. I was half on my side and half on a pillow with a bumpy back cushion behind me that meant I was still on the twins' sofa and given my pillow was softly rising and falling it didn't take much for me to guess I was sleeping on George. I knew I should feel embarrassed about that but given I'd slept on him twice already today I couldn't find the energy to do it, I just felt a bit numb.

There was a slight weight on my head that I couldn't figure out so I cracked my eyes open to be met with a view of mainly grey which was of course George's t-shirt. It would seem that he'd tucked my head under his chin so that I supposed explained the weight.

I lifted my heavy hand slowly so as not to wake him and squinted at my watch. It was a quarter to noon, so just over two hours to go until Susan's wedding started. I felt the lead weight of dread hit my stomach again and I sighed.

It wasn't even like I was having my what if over reactions to what things could go wrong. I'd been to enough social events in the last few months that I was starting to get a good control over that. It was just the realisation I was going to have to plaster on a smile and make happy for hours all the while being faced with memories that I knew would hurt me. I could hardly handle that on a good day, let alone when I was exhausted.

I must have sighed more heavily than I meant to as I felt George stretch, his arm momentarily tightening around me before the slight weight moved from my head.

"Morning."

His voice was a low sleepy rumble.

"Hey."

I mumbled my own reply into his chest, not willing to move.

"You alright?"

I shrugged a response to his question, not even able to bring myself to care that he didn't like shrugs. I felt him move with a heavy sigh before I startled at the feel of fingers in my hair before I reached up to pull his hand away.

"Don't George, it's greasy."

I mean how gross. I normally had to wash my hair every day anyway given how fine it was and I couldn't for the life of my currently remember when was the last time I'd washed it. A prickling embarrassment settled on me and I squirmed to sit up. Merlin what had I been thinking just rocking up so early and then falling asleep on him. Plus I'd kept him from his work.

"Sorry I disturbed you this morning, I really shouldn't have."

"I'm glad you did."

"Yeah well. Still sorry." I twisted myself slightly as I moved to sit up and rubbed at my face tiredly and realised with slight horror that my eyelashes were completely clogged up with sleep. A tweak at my hair had me pause in my rubbing to see that George had moved to sit next to me.

"It's getting long now."

I pulled a face. My hair really was, it was already a good inch longer than I normally liked it.

"I know, it's horrible."

"It's not horrible." George was casting me a very confused look. "But if you don't like it, why don't you cut it?"

"Oh Ginny needs me to grow it for her wedding."

My face fell at that last word as the familiar swoop of dread made itself known and I couldn't stop my hands balling into fists.

"Hey ask me a question, it's your turn."

Another tweak at my hair had me tiredly trying to smile. I suppose it was nice that he was trying to distract me. But what to ask…I suppose there was one thing I wanted to know. It had been a thought that sometimes floated across my mind for well, months now.

"What did you have me down as?" At George's blank expression I rushed to elaborate. "When you served me in the shop, when I bought that toy for Teddy, you said you didn't have me down as an auror. So, what did you think I was?"

"Oh!"

George's moved a hand to try and rub away a big grin that had flitted across his face before he ran it through his hair and shot me a small smile.

"I thought you were a dancer."

I gaped at him completely flummoxed.

"Um, explain."

"There's no need to look quite that baffled Non. It was just how you moved through the crowd of people. It had been the same in the Leaky. It was just…effortless."

I frowned at his words. I mean I was good at moving through a crowd but I figured it was just because I was small. Although I suppose I did have good balance…

"Well as guesses go that's much better than what I normally get. I usually get a secretary or a nanny. Anyway right, I need to go and get ready I guess."

I couldn't exactly put it off forever.

I moved to my feet and paused as my vision blacked over for a moment and I could physically feel the blood rushing to my head.

"You need to eat first, c'mon."

He ignored my protestations and made me a very late breakfast which was an early lunch as I sat at the table nervously chewing on my lip. Apparently the pre prepared breakfast he'd made me was back at my house but he didn't think it would have survived a Fred visit. I struggled to eat it but I did start to feel a bit better once I'd gotten a few mouthfuls in me.

I now had an hour and a half to go and with George saying he'd meet me at mine in an hour I quickly apparated home only to be greeted by a very uncharacteristically busy cottage.

"Non you dirty stop out, where have you been?"

I blinked in alarm as Ginny's beaming face looked out at me from my open doorway as Luna hovered by her side. Damn, I'd forgotten because Harry and Ron couldn't get the time off that they were going to the wedding together and had decided to get ready at mine.

"Oh I passed out on the twins' sofa after work. And hey I'm running late, I'm gonna go shower."

I rushed to finish my sentence as I could see Ginny's eyes start to gleam with mischief and I ignored her squawk of outrage as I raced passed her to barricade myself in the bathroom. My shower however was over all too quickly, in fact time was moving too quickly although I'd admit having the girls here did offer me a nice distraction and it wasn't until George turned up that my nerves came back.

He looked really handsome, his bright turquoise dress robes were fitted perfectly and whilst the colour was a bit bright for my liking they matched his broad grin and slightly tousled flaming hair. In comparison I looked pale, wan and not like anyone who should belong on the arm of George Weasley.

My anxiety had started to churn again ever since George shot me a smile and I wondered just what people would make of us as a pairing at the wedding. Probably they'd be just as baffled as me. I tucked my too long hair behind my ear and bit my lip before I caught Ginny's gaze and the little spark of fire in it had me quickly smoothing my expression. She'd been serious about me not talking myself down in her presence and she appeared to have a canny way of knowing even when I was thinking it.

I tried to distract myself from what felt like impending doom my quietly watching Hermione as she skirted around Fred. For his part his eyes kept tracking her and he had a satisfied grin permanently on his face. Hermione though would occasionally wear a frown, as though she was trying to puzzle something out before a pleasant thought clearly crossed her face and she would smile absently to herself, look guiltily at Fred and then go back to lightly frowning. Huh, now that was interesting…

"Ready to go?"

Adrenaline thrummed through me at George's words.

"I guess."

I completely wasn't. I couldn't remember the last time I'd actively not wanted to do something quite this badly. Maybe that first Weasley family gathering. I blinked at the thought, Merlin that felt like it was years ago already, not just a couple of months.

It didn't take us all long to apparate to the venue. Susan and Ernie were getting married in a church in a tiny magical village called quite simply, The Grove, before we would all head to the grounds at Ernie's parent house for the late afternoon into evening celebrations.

I was dawdling at the back of everyone, taking the time to scowl at my low heeled shoes. It wasn't that they were uncomfortable it's just that I couldn't run in them as well as my normal daps or boots and even though I knew the likelihood of me needing to run was very small…I still didn't like it. I fiddled nervously with the small wand holster I was wearing at my side. I mean that was one good thing about my profession it meant people didn't really question me that I always liked to have it very easily accessible. I mean it was really amongst all the other reasons I liked to have my wand close to me just a habit from my job.

I finally came to a stop when I could see the archway to the church some hundred metres ahead and George near stumbled as he came to a halt beside me. I shook my head before he could even begin to ask me anything as I tried to prepare myself to be sociable. When it was the last thing I wanted to do, I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

About five deep breaths later I nodded to myself before I glanced up at George and tilted my head to indicate I was ready to go on.

"Before we head on in, this is for you."

A small flower on a long stem appeared in his hand. I knew it was from a magical plant as the white petals had a silver shimmering right at their edges although I didn't recognise it and I sniffed at it suspiciously.

"What does it do?"

A crease appeared between his eyes.

"It's a flower Non, it looks and smells pretty."

"It won't squirt something at me or anything?"

I got an eye roll and a tut this time, before I froze in slight alarm as he moved to fix it behind my ear, quickly removing the small hair pin Ginny had put in my hair to keep a section back from my face and he pinned it in place. He'd done it with alarming ease and as I raised my hand to pat at my hair I was relieved to feel it still seemed smooth.

George's eyes looked at the flower for a few seconds longer before his gaze slid to mine.

"It's nearly as pretty as you."

I snorted a laugh of disbelief before I nudged him gently in the ribs with my elbow.

"Er, thanks. C'mon, best get this over and done with."

The ceremony itself actually turned out not to be too bad to get through. As everyone was focused on Susan and Ernie, I didn't need to worry about people staring at me with George and really the ceremony itself was so beautifully done, and Susan and Ernie so sweet just focusing on their happiness made me feel better.

The celebrations afterwards however was a whole other problem. As soon as we arrived there and started heading to the tented area, George as per usual slinging an arm around my shoulder, the stares started.

I mean they weren't blatant, there was always people rushing up to George to greet him and shake his hand and I'd smile and say hello politely but there always seemed to be a pause, a slight confusion would flit over their face before they'd fix me with an obviously forced smile. It wasn't as bad when it was Hufflepuffs that we came across as they at least, or some of them, knew me but it wasn't exactly the most comfortable experience of my life.

A distraction came when Hannah barrelled past me and out of sight with Neville rushing quickly behind her not looking worried in the slightest.

"Well that was weird."

I murmured to George in the lull between people vying for his attention.

"Hmm a witch sprinting out of sight looking decidedly a bit green. Wanna bet she's pregnant?"

I felt my eyebrow shoot up. When he put it like that maybe but…no. This was Hannah Abbot or well Longbottom now that he was talking about. She couldn't keep news as big as that to herself, she would have told us all already.

I explained as much to George but he just snorted a laugh.

"No way, she's pregnant, I bet you."

"Alright."

George scoffed at my outstretched hand.

"Non Non Non, that is not how a bet works. First we must decide terms. I bet you that if I am right, which I obviously am, that you will have to dance every dance with me."

"That is a ridiculous term George if only for the fact that I'm going to have to dance with Ernie for one of them."

I felt a half smile pull at the side of my mouth as George near pursed his lips in annoyance.

"Oh fine, every dance bar one then. Suppose I can't stop him seeing as it's his wedding day."

"That's very charitable of you George."

"Well I thought so. So c'mon what are your terms?"

"Oh none, I'll just be content in the knowledge that I'm right."

George closed his eyes and held a hand up to his chest as though in mild pain.

"I don't even know where to start with that. C'mon Non there must be something that you might want to happen if I lost?"

I shrugged.

"But I like being right. What's better than that?"

A voice sounded then to direct us to start heading towards our seats and George quickly snagged my hand to shake it and agree terms before wagging a disapproving finger in my face.

"Don't think that this isn't something we'll be working on."

I rolled my eyes with a shake of my head before we started to follow the string of people heading into the tent. There was a bit of a wait in line before we could read the table settings and as though Susan and Ernie had suspected this would be the case in the walk up to it there was a huge display of photographs and I realised with dawning horror that I was going to be in some of them. Not only that, a lot of now dead people would be in them too. My small smile became fixed but before I could even move my arm to wrap around my middle as I so badly wanted to George's arm slipped from my shoulders to settle around the small of my back, his hand resting at my waist.

I was too tense to even shrug him away even as my eyes jumped from photograph to photograph desperately trying not to land on one where there was a smiling laughing face of someone I'd never see again. But the difficult thing was that we were a close house in Hufflepuff so if there were any common room pictures from our house parties there of Susan then I was bound to be in them, but so were Chloe and Anna.

It was a weird sensation having your eyes fill with tears but without them falling. My eyes kept tracing over their laughing moving faces, over our laughing moving faces that I felt such a pang of longing for them it nearly stole my breath. How had I managed to cope, to move on without them? In that moment I couldn't understand how I could function without having either of them near.

On the next photograph I really did stop breathing. It was one from my third year. I was at one end, and Justin was at the other and we kept shooting longing looks at each other when the other wasn't looking. My twenty one year old self's eyes were glued to his face. He'd been going through his bit of a chubby stage at that time but his curls and sweet smile were still the same. Damn it. I felt the familiar pull, a small tug from somewhere in my chest that just re-confirmed how much I'd bloody liked him, even loved him.

George had been gently pulling me along with him, being weirdly silent and we had finally reached the last photograph and it took me aback so much I let out a shaky breath and I felt George wrap his other arm around me.

"What's wrong?"

I shivered at the feel of his voice by my ear and I couldn't help a small frown appearing on my face as I took in the sight of my curled up with Justin on the sofa in the common room, with Susan laughing at something Ernie had just said.

"I thought I'd been happy."

I remembered that day really well, and if you had asked me if at that point I had been happy I'd have said yes but looking at my face…there was a small smile but my eyes…I wasn't happy at all. It was such a stark contrast to the earlier photos of me that it was really quite startling and obviously I wasn't going to have been as happy as my naïve younger self but to see myself so…haunted. I'd just never realised it had been so visible before. I thought being with Justin had made me happy, but had I been wrong?

"Oi Non, explain something for me please. Given Hufflepuff never won any bloody thing, how come there's so many pictures from parties?"

I turned slowly to see Lee and Astoria had moved to stand beside us and I pulled a smile on to my face.

"Lee are you trying to tell me that Gryffindors only had parties when they won something?"

"Well yeah of course, when else would we have a party?"

"Oh dear Merlin, do you see what I have to put up with?"

Astoria interjected then with an eye roll and I felt my very fake smile freeze slightly as her gaze fixed for a moment on George's arms around me and I had to fight a blush. He was only doing it to help me and I refused to allow Astoria Greengrass of all people to make me feel embarrassed.

"Non, why not tell this absolute arse of mine how often Hufflepuffs partied?"

"Oh you know, once a month."

"You bloody didn't!"

I titled my head back to take in George's surprised face.

"Yeah we did, Professor Sprout pretty much encouraged them she said it was good for house spirit."

"I can't believe it, McGonagall would never let us."

"Could it be that you were just a tiny bit too disruptive and possibly couldn't be trusted?"

My fake smile managed to slip into a proper smile at George's jokingly outraged expression before I turned back to Lee and Astoria only to see them in a full on snog, tongues on show and all and Lee's hands were firmly holding on to her bum as he pressed up against her.

"Err…"

"Oh bloody hell Jordan are you trying to put me off my dinner?"

I snorted at George's question but grimaced as the kissing pair separated with an audible smack of their lips.

"Sorry mate, not my fault she can't control herself around me."

"Yes that's right, I'm the one that is lacking in self-control. You're an imbecile."

"Course I am but I'm a brilliant shag so…" Lee trailed off with a happy shrug , ignoring Astoria's glare before he moved past us to read the seating arrangements.

"Oh look we're all on the same table and aha! It's the Beater table. C'mon let's get a move on, I'm bloody starved."

In fairness to him, despite the fact he wasn't my favourite person, Lee Jordan had managed to distract me enough that I no longer felt like I was about to fall to pieces and after sending George a small smile we both headed to our seats.

There was only one other major blip for me to sit through and that was the speeches. Ernie bless him got very emotional and he talked about Justin a lot, which inevitably meant he mentioned me. I cannot begin to describe how horrible it is when you can feel a whole group of people turn their head to just look at you all at the same time. I was sure I'd turned cherry red with embarrassment but I kept my eyes fixed on the head table, a smile plastered to my face and finally the evening moved on.

As the band started to play, George's face lit up and he hauled me to my feet.

"Before we start, my dearest friend has a special announcement."

Susan was grinning at Hannah who was stood beaming next to her at the top table. Hold on a moment…

"Right I know it's obviously Susan and Ernie's special day, but I would just like to say now before I really do end up throwing up on someone that well…I'm pregnant. Neville and I are going to have a baby and – oh!"

A look of distress passed her face before she clapped a hand over her mouth and legged it back outside the tent.

I shot George a stunned look.

"Well, bugger."

"Every dance, you shook on it."

"But, but…I'm tired."

So I may have been being childishly whiny and George paid me absolutely no mind as he pulled me on to the dance floor. The first dance was a more traditional magical dance but both Anna and Susan had taught me the more traditional dances so I at least knew what I was doing. We were about three dances in and the dance floor was packed when I saw Hermione making a quick retreat from Fred, her hair nearly all fallen out from her up do as she grasped at a stitch in her side. Fred as with most things, was very overenthusiastic when it came to dancing and he was following after her laughing.

I turned a critical gaze on his twin as really, George wasn't very much better. It was as though he was deliberately trying to make me lose my balance but so far I'd kept my feet even if he did teeter rather alarmingly at times. But then I figured he'd lost an ear, balance was never going to be his strong point. George was beaming at me.

"What?"

I shifted a bit nervously as we waited for the next song to start.

"You bloody are a dancer."

I didn't even get a chance to respond as he quite literally flung me into the next move and I let out a startled laugh. If there was one thing I was going to do this evening it was that I was going to keep my feet, George Weasley be damned.

As the evening wore on I did end up dancing with Ernie once and with a few well placed comments I managed to keep him just talking about Susan so I could avoid any awkward and painful mentions of Justin.

We must have been getting on towards eleven in the evening by this point when George swept me back up on to the dance floor and I pulled a face as a slow sounding song came on.

"Can we sit this one out? It's a yucky romantic one."

"It's a wedding, all the songs have been yucky romantic ones."

I blinked. Huh, perhaps they had been.

"I'm tired though, can we not sit?"

"Nope. We had a deal, but rest your head on my shoulder if you like, I won't tell anyone if you have a snooze."

I rolled my eyes at his wink but let myself get pulled into a dance. I mean fine if he offered I would snooze if I could.

"How come your balance is so good?"

My eyes flickered open at his words as we rotated slowly around the floor.

"Just work I guess, we've got special training for it. You have to spend a whole hour dodging spells without losing your feet so, just that I guess."

I felt George hum.

"Nothing else?"

I breathed in deeply as I thought.

"Um, I dunno. My mam made me do ballet for a bit when I was small, and I did gymnastics before Hogwarts."

"Ballet?"

I lifted my head up to scowl lightly at George's sniggering laugh.

"Don't laugh I hated it. Everything was all horrible and pink."

If I thought that would stop George laughing I was wrong and I pulled back from him with a proper frown.

"Oh c'mon don't be grumpy."

"I'm tired George."

He paused then and I don't know what he saw when he looked at me but he nodded.

"Alright, well Susan and Ernie slipped away during the last dance so I think it's safe enough that we can go too."

"Oh no I didn't mean to make you leave early."

"But you want to go?"

I paused for a moment before nodding because, yes please if Susan and Ernie weren't still here then going home was definitely what I wanted.

"Well then, let's go. Fred's already gone and I do not even want to think where Lee's gotten to so I'm all set too."

I narrowed my eyes slightly in suspicion but he just laughed and began to steer me from the floor. It wasn't long before his antics had me giggling again. I was actually quite amazed at just how drunk the rest of the guests were. I'd only had a couple of gasses of wine with the dinner and the affects had long worn off given how much I'd danced and I couldn't really recall George having drunk that much either.

We'd nearly managed to make our mistake when a rather worse for wear Neville stumbled into our path.

"George! Just wanted to say thanks again mate, for not letting out our secret before we had a chance to say."

My jaw dropped slightly. Hold on a moment did he mean…?

I shot an accusing look at George.

"Why you little…"

"No problem at all Neville!" George spoke loudly to drown my words even as he dragged me back down the path and before I could catch my breath with a crack we'd apparated and appeared in front of my cottage.

"You bloody knew she was pregnant before you made the bet! George? George! I know you can hear me!"

George for his part was humming happily to himself as he twirled me up the path, into the house and into the kitchen.

"Oi stop ignoring me."

"La la la la LAAAAAA, la la laaaaa, LA LA laaaa."

I couldn't help but laugh as he started to spin me on the spot.

"S-stop it George, why would you make that bet to dance every dance with me when you knew you'd win and have to?"

George spun me out along the length of his arm before he spun me back in and I collided with his chest with a thump and I let out a startled laugh as I glanced up at him and I only had a moment to see his bright eyes before I near froze at the feel of his lips on mine.

It was like my whole brain stuttered. George was, George was kissing me. Even as I thought it I knew that this was not supposed to be happen but I couldn't seem to move my limbs to move away. I felt one of George's hands grasp my waist and as his thumb traced along my rib cage I couldn't help but gasp and then…then I was lost.

George deepened the kiss and my brain that had stuttered before seemed to shut itself down from proper conscious thought. I was vaguely aware I was kissing him back but all I could keep thinking was more.

More, more, more.

A thump at the back of my head had me slamming back into reality and I drew my mouth from his with an embarrassingly loud gasp. I was horrendously aware as my chest heaved for breath that it was plastered to George's. It was with dawning horror I realised I had both my arms wrapped around his neck, one hand tangled in his hair, my back was pressed up against the kitchen wall and I had one leg hitched up around his waist and..and…oh Merlin. Oh sweet Merlin, I could feel George pressed right between my legs and even through the dress robe material he was quite clearly aroused.

I can feel George Weasley's erection.

I flushed red even as my brain struggled to process everything I was feeling. What on earth had happened? Had he meant to kiss me and if he had had he meant a kiss like this to happen? Oh God I'd flung myself at him what the fuck was wrong with me? Why on earth would I ever do that? I - I didn't want to be kissing George Weasley. I'd…I'd lost complete control.

My heart clenched painfully and I became awkwardly aware that George was still pressed against me but wasn't saying anything and I risked a quick glance at his face only to be trapped by his expression. He was…he looked jubilant. That didn't make any sense.

It was only when I tried to lower my leg that I realised one of George's hands was fully clasped against my bum and was helping to hold it in place. As though realising where his hand was he actually started to turn a bit red as he let me go and slowly eased himself away from me although still close enough to cup my face with his hands.

"Non."

God I'd lost complete control, and I mean complete control. I never did that. I hated doing that and I struggled to contain the panic that was bubbling up through my chest. God I never acted like this. The last time was when I'd been so drunk in that stupid nightclub. Even at the mere flicker of that thought I felt mortification flood through me and I tried to gently push George away so I could sidle out from between him and the wall.

"Non, that was, that was…"

Amazing.

"Wrong."

I blurted the word out to see George blink confusedly at me, looking like he was still in a slight daze.

"It was amazing Non. I knew, I knew it would be this good."

I gaped at him in shock even as I finally managed to wriggle from between him and the wall but he trailed after me his hand snagging hold of mine. He traced his fingers over the palm of my hand and I shivered, before realising with horror that my gaze kept drifting towards his crotch and I flushed red again even as I tried to hold myself as far away from him as I could. Panic was still pressing on my chest and I…I didn't know what to do. This had come of out completely nowhere and it shouldn't have happened.

"It shouldn't…we shouldn't have…that shouldn't have happened George. I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Don't be daft Non I've wanted to do that for months."

I snatched my hand back in shock.

"But you can't have!"

I mean what absolute rubbish was George talking about. He didn't fancy me, couldn't fancy me. I mean I'd thought it all over so carefully before we'd made our agreement. I knew we were both wrong for each other and that friendship was the way forward.

"Non, I kissed you before we knew we were matched remember?"

His lopsided smile only seemed to panic me further and I felt a creeping sense of fear that I'd gotten something badly, badly wrong.

"But we – we're supposed to be friends. Just friends."

"Just friends? Non that's…we were supposed to get to know each other as friends but we're…Non I'm going to be marrying you."

George's smile disappeared completely as I stumbled back a couple of steps at his words and shook my head.

"But you don't fancy me George you can't do. I mean you're you and I – I'm me. It's all wrong."

"I don't think it's wrong at all."

I gaped at him, speechless.

"I'm a bit confused over here Non so help a guy out. You don't kiss like we just did unless you want to."

"Yes you do."

I blurted the words out defensively and his eyes narrowed.

"Who? Who the bloody hell have you kissed like that before Non?"

I flushed with mortification.

"I-I don't know. I was drunk."

"So this kiss is on par for you as a random drunken kiss? That's where you're at, you didn't want to kiss me at all?"

I didn't know how to answer him. I didn't want to hurt him but I was still completely dumbstruck that he'd want to kiss me so I just shook my head.

"You're telling me that you haven't at any stage wanted to kiss me? Not even considered it despite the fact that we're going to be man and wife?"

I think if I hadn't been feeling quite so panicked, quite so uncertain I'd have recognised the warning signs of growing anger in George's voice.

"Well no, I mean I knew you could never like me like that and-"

"I'M NOT A LIAR!"

Whatever words I'd been speaking disappeared as George glared at me, chest heaving.

"How many times do I have to tell you I like you for you to believe me? How many times do I have to tell you that I think you're pretty for you to listen? When I was pressed against you earlier, and I know you felt me, what exactly do you think caused me to get so hard Non? It was you."

Every word he said seemed to pierce me like tiny shards of glass and I glanced away in genuine distress. I'd had no idea, absolutely none.

"Look at me."

It was one of the hardest things to do, to look at a fiercely angry George Weasley.

"I'd appreciate an answer Non. I've done everything you've asked of me, I've gotten to know you as a friend, is it really so strange that we should be moving on to something more?"

I felt a sting of shame mixed up with a bucket load of guilt. When he put it like that it seemed so sensible, just so normal, I mean had I really been being that childish? But I'd told him I couldn't get my head around being married, even know it made me fidget inside my own skin and I'd been so convinced he couldn't like me like that I'd not even considered him in that way.

"I just genuinely never thought that you could want me."

"So what did you think would happen when we had to marry Non, that we'd just stay as friends?"

"Well…yes."

George's snort of disbelief had my skin prickling with embarrassment again.

"And just where did you think we would magic a baby from? Or were you planning on having me as your husband as name only while you fucked someone else?"

A baby? What on earth was he…oh. Oh fucking SHIT.

I could feel the actual blood drain from my face. I'd forgotten. Completely and utterly forgotten that not only was the Ministry forcing me to marry someone but that we'd have to have a baby within a year of marriage.

"I…I forgot about that part."

I felt light headed and wobbled my way to a seat.

"Right, of course you did."

"I honestly did George I-"

"Honestly." I flinched at the scorn in his voice. "That's a bit rich coming from you. I thought you were being honest in getting to know me as a friend first before we saw how things went."

"I-I did want to get to know you as a friend."

"Just friends. That's what you said earlier. You never had any intention of anything else did you?"

Guilt was slamming into me at the hurt look on George's face but with the guilt came a whack load of defensiveness and I could feel myself start to flare up with panic.

"I've done everything I could to be friends George and-and it's not like you made it easy for me. I mean you try having to spend time with a person who just keeps making you anxious."

"I make you anxious?"

George's face was dangerously blank but I nodded my head stubbornly. I mean he did. Always with his surprise hugs, or never knowing what he was going to do and...and when he…shit and when he…

"That's the biggest load of dragon dung I've ever heard. You've fallen asleep on me, asleep Non, being completely relaxed. I know I make you feel something but its damn well not anxiety."

I gaped at him again. How was he always so sure of himself? He wasn't questioning it, he was stating it like a fact and whatever over defensiveness I wanted to hurl back at him curled up and died on my tongue.

"I just… I genuinely didn't know George. I don't even understand why you'd like me. God this is horrible, it's just like with Percy and-"

"PERCY! What do the fuck do you mean just like with Percy? What have you been snogging him without meaning to too?"

If I'd thought George was angry before I'd been wrong. He was…he was furious and I edged to my feet not liking to be trapped between the chair and table.

"No of course not don't be stupid George I just mean-"

"Oh yes because of course I'm the stupid one here. Not you who seemed to have magically convinced herself that we could life as a married couple, produce a baby and do it all without even a kiss. Right."

I flushed in embarrassment again, and felt the uncomfortable feel of tears pricking at the corner of my eyes. I couldn't remember the last time I had messed up quite this badly.

"I-I just meant I hadn't recognised before that Percy and I were friends. Just like I-I hadn't realised that you, that you liked me?"

I finished on a question but I was honestly still feeling so baffled. I couldn't understand how an evening full of laughs and dancing was ending this way.

"I more than like you Non, I want you. Shall I tell you how much?" He didn't even wait for me to answer before he carried on, each word fierce and interlaced with an underlying simmering anger. "I want to kiss you until we can't breathe, I want to take you to bed where I'd undress you oh so slowly and I'd bury my head between your thighs and Non so help me I would eat you out so well that the only name you'd remember was mine and then we'd fuck. We'd fuck all night and I'd still be screwing you when the sun comes up Non. That's what I want and you…you couldn't look more appalled."

Blood was rushing in my ears and one of my hands was clasped on to the back of a chair to keep me upright as I struggled to process his words. I mean I was appalled a bit, no one had ever spoken to me so explicitly before but worse than that I could feel a surge of heat wash over me before it settled in my face in a constant blush. I couldn't understand that someone like George Weasley could find me desirable.

"Men don't want me George."

"But I do."

I shook my head furiously at his words. I knew men didn't want me, hadn't the Death Eaters proven that? I was forgettable, undesirable, unwanted. The fact that someone as wonderful as George was saying these things not only didn't make sense but even if he did believe them then reality would exert itself at some stage and he was only going to end up disappointed that he was paired with me.

"Am I really so bad, Non?"

I glanced up in alarm unsure if I'd heard George's voice crack with emotion but he looked calm now, even if he was a bit pale.

"It's not you George. I'm just…I'm not good enough for you."

The words left me quietly but I knew they were true. I mean hadn't tonight proved it? Warm, funny and affectionate George was completely too good for the awkward, dysfunctional and broken me.

"How dare you. How dare you."

George hissed the words out at me and I glanced back at him in confusion. He wasn't furious, this was instead a much colder anger and I found it far more frightening.

"There is only one person in this world who gets to decide what or who is good enough for me Non and do you know who that is? Me. What right do you think you have to make that decision for me? To take that choice from me?"

I paled at his words and stumbled back. I mean I hadn't meant it that way at all, that I was choosing or deciding for him but even as I opened my mouth to speak he held up a hand to stop me.

"Don't bother Non. I don't think I could face another apology when you don't even know what you're apologising for. Guess I should have known this should happen. I mean, when do I ever get what I want?"

I glanced at him in confusion but he released a bitter laugh before continuing.

"Well I've clearly imposed myself on you far too long, frightfully sorry you've had to put up with my unwanted attentions. Charlie and Alina are arriving tomorrow and we're supposed to be helping out with the wedding preparations, only if you think that's a good idea obviously."

I didn't recognise this unpleasant and hostile George Weasley. It was the complete opposite from what he was normally like but I finally managed to get my legs to work to hurry and follow him as he stalked his way to the front door.

"Wait please, George!"

He did stop but now that he did I found I didn't know what to say. I couldn't say sorry again, he'd made it clear he wouldn't accept that. I tentatively reached out a hand to place on his arm and that seemed all George needed before he cupped my face again, his eyes tracing my face.

"If I kissed you now Non, would you stop me?"

"I-I don't think I could."

Not if I reacted like I had earlier, I rather feared that if George kissed me again I'd forget myself completely even if I couldn't understand why I would. My eyes fell when I saw a twisted, unhappy grimace cross his face and his hand dropped.

"All I want is for you to want me Non, is that too much to ask?"

I couldn't answer him, and he knew it. He gave me one last hurt look before he turned and walked away, before apparating out of sight.

I stood at my front door for a long moment before I turned to make my way upstairs and hide in my room. I was stunned by George's actions and appalled at my own. I had so many competing thoughts and feelings swirling around inside me I didn't even know where to begin. The only thing that was certain, even as I wiped away my first tear and it was quickly followed by more, was that I wasn't going to be getting any sleep that night.

A/N: I'm sorry this one took me so long but well…I guess you all understand why now you've read it?

Let me know what you thought anyway. The next few chapters may have equally long update times sorry. There's a lot going on with this story now that I need to get right but if I can update sooner I will.

A very warm welcome to my new followers and if you've reviewed – thank you! Especially to one guest reviewer just your words…blew me away. Genuinely amazed and thankful for your comments.

Thank you all for continuing to read this.

Diolch,

Yav