But What If

by Yavanna and SunStar

It's the summer of 2002 when Non Llewellyn, an anxiety riddled PTSD suffering auror, is just struggling to get through the days. Hot on the case of dark wizards who evaded capture after the war, she doesn't have time for any additional stress but when a new Ministry of Magic law gets put into place her world will never be the same again. *AU as FW lives*

22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: I own nothing from the Harry Potter universe, that all belongs to J.K. Rowling. Non Llewellyn however is mine.

Chapter 22

This had to have been one of the longest nights of my adult life. Every time I thought I'd managed to calm myself down another thought or recollection of George's words would slam back into me sending my mind spiralling but through it all was unmistakeably the undercurrent of fear.

I was scared that I'd lost control. It was like I'd almost had a mind blank. I mean my lips were puffy, they felt bruised, it can't have been a short kiss but I couldn't for the life of me recollect all of it. Just snatches of George's fingers gripping my side, the flick of his tongue against mine, the press of his lips, the feel of him and…

I shut the thought down again as I felt the now familiar flush of heat pass over me and settle low in my stomach. I mean this was just embarrassing. I couldn't just go from never having thought about kissing George to now having a bodily response where I clearly fucking well wanted him. I mean Merlin what was wrong with me? I couldn't…I couldn't even remember the last time I'd even wanted to kiss someone, let along the feeling of need I was currently now experiencing.

Oh God I had to stop thinking like this. What had he done to my brain? But that was another thing that was scaring me, that not only was I feeling like this but that I was feeling like this about George. It was like I'd thought dozens of times now, how could I go from never having wanted to kiss him to my body reacting like this? Because it really was just my body. I mean my mind didn't feel like it had changed at all. He was still just George, nice and friendly but…yeah just George.

I was still squirming awkwardly away from having to think about marriage even though I knew now it was undoubtedly stupidly, stupidly childish of me. I was going to marry George. I needed to get that thought somehow clear in my mind without wanting to cringe.

I was scared I'd forgotten that we'd have to have a baby. I mean the stupidity of that alone was enough to make me feel sick. How could my mind have forgotten it? I prepared for all worst case scenarios and that right there was one of the worst of the lot and I'd just blanked it. And I mean of course George would start to think about – about having sex. Wasn't that normal?

I rubbed at my face in annoyance as I felt a blush form again. Why couldn't I even think about sex without getting embarrassed? I mean I'd had sex before. Sure not for a while but it was normal. Why was I acting now like it wasn't? I mean Lee and Astoria were sleeping with each other, Fred and Hermione were now too, heck even Ron and Luna had kissed and so were obviously well on their way and then poor bloody George was stuck with me. I hadn't even though about a kiss let alone something more yet he had clearly, clearly given it all a lot of thought.

I felt a weird swooping heat pass through me again before I shivered as I recalled his words, about what George had said he wanted to do and I bit my lip. It shouldn't be weird that a grown man would want to have sex with a woman he was going to marry. But that's the thing I did find it weird that he'd want to have sex with me. I mean I found it weird that he even wanted to kiss me.

It was…it was like I'd forgotten that we were adults. It was almost like I'd been stuck viewing George like I had when we were at Hogwarts. He was someone so far above me, some vague far off figure, someone who would never reside in the same sphere as me let alone want to look at me and I just…

I was scared that a part of me was stuck being sixteen.

I was scared that whatever I'd had with Justin had been false.

I was scared that whatever future I was going to have with George that I'd messed it up already.

I felt fresh tears pick at my eyes at that last thought. But what if I was right? What if this was the moment George realised that I was wrong for him? What if I'd blown whatever chance we had at being happy? What if George stopped liking me?

And why did I care?

At some stage during the night my brain had finally seemed to accept that despite all logic and reason pointing to it being unlikely and really a bit unbelievable that George did like me. Or had at least. No one could speak like that and not mean it, no one. And when I thought on it George was honest. I mean not when he was planning a stupid prank but those didn't count. In all the big things he had been truthful.

But I haven't been with him.

Guilt was starting to settle heavily over me and I rolled over to bury my face in my pillow.

I was scared that it had been obvious and that I hadn't seen it. I…I felt like a fool. It had so caught me unawares and when he said he'd been thinking about it for months I just…how could I not have seen it? Or senses something at least? I mean I was really observant for my job for fucks sake, how on earth could I have missed it?

What if I wasn't as good at my job as I thought I was?

What if I could never make things better with George?

I groaned as my mind started to go in circles again, a constant stream of worry and in between the tears, the weird feeling of humiliation mixed in with surges of want I must have fallen into an exhausted sleep . It was a very loud and close sounding roar from a dragon that roused me. It had been close enough that the building itself had trembled slightly.

I sat up groggily and for a blissful moment as I processed the sound I'd managed to forget everything from the night before until it all came crashing back down and I was enveloped by guilt. Merlin I'd really hurt him. I'd properly, properly hurt George and it was the last thing I'd ever wanted to do. I needed to apologise to him but I needed to know how to apologise. He wouldn't accept a simple sorry and that meant I would somehow have to find proper words and Merlin knew I wasn't good at that.

I would also need to meet him at The Burrow and I nearly felt myself quail with fear. My God the Weasley's were going to absolutely hate me when they realised what I'd done, how I'd messed everything up. I mean I'd hurt George, I'd been so stupidly and childishly dense there was no way they were going to think how I'd behaved was okay. Merlin what were they going to say? Would they say anything? Would they just glare at me instead? I swallowed thickly. That was the thing with the Weasley's there were just so many of them and if you upset one you upset them all. Why hadn't I bloody thought about that before?

I crept quietly from my bedroom but after listening for a few seconds I was reassured that I was the only one here and I shuffled to the bathroom to shower. Normally showers were a good way to try and wash my troubles away but I had so many worries this time that it didn't have its normal relaxing effect. With a heavy sigh and wrapped in an oversized towel I trudged back to my bedroom. I still felt as light headed as I had for the most of yesterday and even though I knew I needed to eat even the thought of food made my stomach churn.

My thoughts were still a blur even as I struggled to get dressed and it was with a surprised blink I looked at myself in the mirror to see what I'd put on. Normally I reserved my dungarees for days when I worked in the garden when the weather wasn't great as the pockets were so useful for holding tools as I worked but dungarees had also been pretty much my staple clothing when I was growing up. My mouth nearly quirked into a smile when I realised I had opted for my ultimate comfort and safety clothing until I realised I was still acting like a child. I didn't have the energy to change though and with another sigh I picked up my back, grabbed my wand and made my way outside to apparate to The Burrow.

I stood for a long time at the bottom of the drive to the Weasley's as I tried to get some semblance of control over myself. I'd trembled a lot the night before not just from adrenaline but from the sheer force of the emotions I'd gone through and I hated the fact I still had the slight shakes the following morning. After ten minutes though it wasn't getting better and I sighed again before trudging up to the front door and knocking.

It was only as the seconds dragged on I realised I should have just opened the door and gone in and like I normally did but what if they had thought I was being rude then? What if they thought I was being weird now by not just walking in? I just didn't know how I was supposed to behave. It was like all the certainty I'd managed to build up over the last few months had been swept aside. Had I just been getting everything wrong?

I had to resist turning tail and running when I heard the door start to open but all too soon I saw Mr Weasley's face smiling out at me, his glasses at a slight wonk.

"Ah there you are Non, Molly was wondering if you were going to stop by early enough for breakfast. Come in, come in."

I ducked my head down as I skirted past him awkwardly into the house trying to stop myself over analysing his greeting. Had he been as friendly as normal or not?

I followed the smell of bacon even as my stomach turned until I reached the kitchen where I could see Percy, Audrey, Fleur and Victoire at the table while Bill was helping Mrs Weasley cook.

"Oh morning dear."

I managed to force a smile of response on to my face as Mrs Weasley greeted me and I sat nervously down on one of the spare seats as I said a quiet hello to everyone else. Audrey was looking as queasy as I felt but at least she had a reason. I managed to wave off Mrs Weasley's attempts to feed me and even as I absentmindedly made small talk with Percy a part of me was wondering when George would get here.

"Percy say, do you know when George will get here?"

I honestly don't know where I found the courage to ask.

"Oh he's already here, stomped up to his room about twenty minutes ago although I'm quite surprised he's not emerged now that you're here. What did you two do, have a fight or something?"

My face must have betrayed be because Audrey quite pointedly elbowed her husband in the ribs.

"Don't mind him Non, just you head on up. I'm sure George'll just apologise and all will be well."

I blinked stupidly at Audrey's words. Did this mean George hadn't told anyone that we'd have a fight and that they'd just guessed? God of course he wouldn't have just told them, why on earth had I thought that? And why on earth did she think it was George's fault?

"It's me that has to do the apologising Audrey."

I'd pretty much mumbled the words but even as I ducked my head to tuck my hair behind my ear and stood releasing a heavy sigh I was painfully aware of more than one set of eyes following me as I left the room. They were all just going to be talking about me I knew.

I was so busy staring at my feet as I trudged up the stairs that I nearly crashed into Mr Weasley who was humming to himself on the way down and after flushing with embarrassment at my own clumsiness I finally managed to skirt past him and up the next flight of stairs until I was outside George's old bedroom door. I swallowed heavily before I hesitantly raised my hand to knock.

"I already said I wasn't hungry Dad."

Oh crap he sounded so bloody grumpy. I swallowed again before mustering up as much courage as I could.

"It-It's Non, George. Can I come in?"

The silence dragged on for so many painful seconds I was near convinced he'd never answer me until I startled in surprise as the bedroom door jerked open. I hadn't even heard him move. I risked a glance at his face before I ducked my head again under the weight of his stare. What quick look I'd managed had shown a clenched jaw and frowning eyes.

"Sure, come on in."

It felt like my insides were jumping at every sound of his voice but I managed to take a deep breath before walking through and I tried to ignore how ominous it sounded when the door shut heavily behind him. It wasn't a slam, not quite.

I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room unsure as to what to do with myself as George apparently calmly stood leant with his back against the door, his arms folded and most intimidatingly of all his direct gaze pinned on me.

I managed to hide my fidgeting hands in the front pouch of my dungarees and I took a few moments to try and calm my breathing and try and look at George in a detached way, like I would do as if I was at work to see if that could get me to focus.

He was very tense, I could see that etched right across his body I didn't need the slight tick in his jaw to tell me that but it wasn't anger that seemed to fuel it if anything, and with the defensive pose of his crossed arms, it was like he was trying to shield himself ready for more pain and I bit my lip.

"Are you alright?"

I suppose I deserved the derisive snort that answered me.

"Not particularly Non. Are you?"

"Not at all." I swallowed heavily past the lump in my throat before I braved speaking again. "I'd like to say something George, i-if you'll let me?"

I struggled to look him in the face but I managed it long enough to see him nod his agreement. Clutching my fingers together tightly I took a steadying breath before I looked at him and did my very best to speak.

"I'd like to apologise to you George. For a-a lot of things. I know I warned you that I would find it hard to get my head around the marriage law but it wasn't right that I ducked out of even considering it once we'd agreed to try and be friends. That was childish and stupid of me and I'm sorry."

I swallowed heavily again, my mouth dry as I tried to compose myself to get the rest out.

"It was wrong of me not to be honest in telling you that I was only viewing us as friends, and it was stupid that I never thought far enough down the line as to how this was all actually going to have to play out. I-I really did forget that the law said we have to have a child George and-" I broke off as the lump in my throat grew so tight I knew tears were about to appear. I let out of a shaky breath. "And I genuinely, genuinely never thought you'd like me as anything other than a f-friend. I-I was so surprised by last night and I reacted badly and I'm s-sorry."

I chewed heavily on my lip to stop it trembling as I gazed determinedly at the spot on the door I could see just above George's ear. From my peripheral vision I could see his arms were no longer crossed which I hoped was a good sign. I knew I had one last thing I wanted to say and after another shaky breath I ploughed on.

"And G-George I didn't mean to make a choice for you. I-I would never deliberately do that. I just want so much better for you than I know I can give."

"Do you hate yourself that much?"

I jerked my head up so quickly at his words that my head swam for a moment.

"Do I...what?"

"I'm serious. I've been trying all night to understand why last night would have come as such a surprise to you. Why you would even think that I wouldn't be happy to be paired with a witch like you and I've drawn a blank. I know you aren't always confident Non but this is something else. So, do you?"

I felt as though the floor was falling away from underneath my feet even as my vision blurred with tears.

"I…sometimes."

All the time, but I couldn't say that.

"And why do you think that I couldn't possibly like you as more than a friend?"

I flushed with humiliation. How was I even going to be able to answer that?

"Well I looked at it logically and reasoned th-through it. I mean I'm so quiet, boring and plain George and you're…you're amazing. Everyone likes you and you're stupidly handsome. If it wasn't for this law George I don't think you'd even look at me twice."

I heard George utter a snort of disbelief and I couldn't help the hurt that flashed through me, even as I fought with some inner guilt that I hadn't even dared mentioned how I felt about how we'd both handled the war.

"You seem to love logic and reason Non but you have this extraordinary habit of refusing to look at something that was right in front of you. I liked you already."

I shook my head in disbelief.

"You say that now George but what if-"

I bit my lip to stop myself.

"But what if what?"

I was alarmed to see that George had taken a step away from the door and closer to me and I had to resist the urge to shuffle back a couple of steps.

"What if you only like me now because you have to?"

My lips felt numb even as the words fell from them and I saw a storm of anger gather on his face.

"Do I seriously strike you as a person who will do or think or feel something because they are made to?"

I flushed in embarrassment even as I shook my head. God no of course he wasn't he was George for crying out loud I didn't think anyone could make him do anything he didn't want to.

"I kissed you before we were matched. I said it was better to have something to remember while we were free to choose for ourselves. I chose to kiss you. Non I was bloody well going to chat you up in the pub too if you'd only let me."

"But I didn't…I mean, how was I supposed to know that?"

"I said you're t-shirt was nice and offered you a drink."

"I thought-" I flushed at the memory, "I thought I'd spilled something on my top and that you were teasing me."

George let out such a strangled sound of frustration as he grabbed at his hair that in any other circumstances I'd have been tempted to laugh.

"I said it was nice because I think your t-shirts make your tits look amazing."

My jaw dropped even as I absurdly crossed my arms defensively over my chest and my cheeks felt like they were on fire.

"W-what?"

I'm amazed I could even splutter the word out.

"You've got the most amazing figure I've ever seen. Non I can't help it, you drive me bloody crazy and that you can't even begin to see what I see…I don't understand."

I mean I didn't blame him, I didn't understand how I worked most of the time either. My head was struggling to process his words though and I just blinked stupidly.

"Non I don't…I don't understand how you could kiss me back like that and then claim not to have meant it."

I bit my lip. I didn't understand it either.

"I don't know George I just…my body just took over and it freaked me out so much that I panicked. I mean I don't even fancy you George I've never even considered it. I can't explain it."

I bit my lip again to see him wince at my reply and I realised a bit belatedly that I'd been a bit too blunt.

"How can you not have even considered it, when the Ministry have decreed we're a perfect match?"

It was at least my turn to snort.

"I don't trust the Ministry George. I don't understand how anyone who's lived through the war possibly could. I mean, what if they're wrong?"

"But what if they're right?"

My whole body froze at his words and I shot him a startled look. He'd moved a pace further back from me again which I was grateful for but his eyes were glued to my face. I know I'd thought it before but I had never had anyone look at me as intently as George did. I felt light headed.

"I…I've never thought of it that way."

I mean shit, what if the Ministry was right? I mean Ron and Luna seemed to be getting on really well, hell Fred and Hermione clearly seemed to be working. My what ifs were always disaster and worst case scenarios. It had never crossed my mind that this could be a good thing mainly because I was finding it impossible to deal with a situation where I was having my choice taken from me.

What if George was the right person for me?

I bit my lip and frowned even as I mulled it over and I had to fight a shiver that was trying to break out over me.

"Non could you…could you at least consider it? Consider me?"

From somewhere I managed to find the courage to hesitantly nod and I heard George sigh heavily in response in what I guessed was relief.

"I don't suppose you're going to let me hug you are you?"

I risked a glance to see him wearing a rueful expression and I shook my head before forcing some words out.

"I don't think that would be a good idea. I- I don't want to lead you on George and being honest I'm a b-bit uncomfortable after what you said last night."

I was amazed to see George flush red and shuffle awkwardly on his feet.

"That was…" he cleared his throat uncomfortably before he tried to speak again. "I should never have spoken to you like that. I'm sorry."

I nodded my head in acceptance even while I still held my arms firmly crossed against me. I was glad we'd both managed to sort of apologise and I clearly still had a lot to think about but it was just so damned awkward to be alone in the room with him when I knew what direction his thoughts had been straying to. Truthfully I didn't want to be anywhere near him.

The silence was starting to become painful until it was thankfully interrupted by the sound of Percy bellowing upstairs to tell us that Charlie and Alina had just arrived. There was one further awkward moment as George and I nearly bumped into each other trying to leave his room and it was only extreme skill that stopped me falling down the stairs as I raced to keep distance between us. When I entered the kitchen I immediately made a beeline for the space by Audrey but then flushed in embarrassment as I saw George hesitantly stand by the door. I mean it couldn't be any more obvious that things were not okay between us. Shit, how was I even supposed to know how to act now?

"Hey are you two alright now, oh hey Non, why are you crying?"

I glanced up in alarm at Audrey's whisper, I mean I wasn't crying was I? I froze slightly as I finally registered the feel of tears on my cheek and I frowned in confusion until I heard a laugh that made my heart jerk so violently in my chest I felt the room spin.

Dadi.

Dad.

It was - it was my dad. That was his laugh. I choked on air as I struggled to draw a breath and I turned towards the back door of the house that was half open, a cold breeze gusting it open wider. It had been so long, so long since I'd heard it. I'd thought I'd never hear it again.

Don't be stupid Non it's not Dad. He's dead.

I stumbled at that thought and vaguely registered a pain in my hip but I was already out of the door, half blinded by tears. Because shit I knew it couldn't be dad but if it wasn't him then there was only one other person whose voice I'd recognise, the accent being just like my dad's and that would be Gruff.

Is he really alive?

I rubbed furiously at my eyes with the sleeve of my top trying to clear my vision. I was half aware of a flash of red that was probably Charlie but my eyes froze on the figure in front of him stood at the bottom of the steps to the Weasley's back porch.

He'd stopped dying his hair black but it was still a much darker brown that mine. He'd grown a short cropped beard but his fair skin and blue eyes were just the same. It was Gruff.

He's alive.

I tried to say his name but all that came out was a horribly choked sob. My vision had narrowed and all I could see was him, could see the colour drain from his face even as he raced up the steps towards me.

"Oh Non bach."

It was only three words but they were three I'd never thought I'd hear him say again and I all but flung myself at him as I struggled for breath I was fighting so hard not to sob and failing. My whole body was trembling but for a time all I could do was stand there and cry as Gruff hugged me back. I had so many memories crashing around inside my head that I hadn't recalled in years. The times someone had made me cry and Gruff had made everything better, heck the times Gruff had made me cry before he came up with some stupid idea for an apology. When I'd fallen and cut my knee when I was small, it was a gangling teenager Gruff who made it better. All my life he'd been there, like a brother I suppose even though he wasn't, until he hadn't been.

Until Charlie had mentioned him a couple of months ago I'd forgotten how much it had hurt to miss him and I'd hardly let myself think on it again since. The terror, hurt, anger and then loss that I'd felt after he'd disappeared. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

He's alive.

He was here, right here where I was actually touching him yet some part of me was still finding it hard to believe. How could he have been alive all this time and not come and found me? My sobs were finally starting to quieten down enough for me to hear what words he was mumbling into my hair.

["I'm so sorry Non, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Non."]

It was like he was stuck on a loop but each time he said it the less I felt like crying and as my body started to tense I realised with some weird bizarre detachment that I was furious. It was like a slow building anger that I could feel bubbling up inside and each time he said sorry it was like making a mockery of all the hurt he'd put me through. He'd made no attempt to let me know he was okay, nothing. He'd let me suffer, he'd let my parents suffer and seriously all he could say was sorry?

["Sorry?"]

My lips felt numb even as the question left them and I pulled back slightly, only half noting he had tears of his own on his face.

["Sorry?"]

I hissed the word this time even as I tried to move back a step but as his arm tried to stop me it felt as natural as anything to draw my hand back and then punch him. I was only disappointed as he stumbled back from me in alarm and down the porch steps that I'd been standing so close I hadn't been able to swing my arm properly. I followed him down the steps.

["Sorry!]"

I shoved him even as he'd scrambled to his feet, his guilty face only making me angrier. He bloody well should be feeling guilty.

["Look Non please, I can explain everything I-"]

["Explain! How the fuck can you explain just upping and fucking off one night and never telling anyone you were alive? How can you explain deliberately not letting people know you were okay? We thought you were DEAD! Do you have any idea what that's like Gruff? We just woke up one morning and you were GONE. No note, nothing just fuck all."]

I gasped for breath after my tirade, I couldn't really remember the last time I'd shouted so much in one go but as Gruff just stood there gaping at me I felt a weird sense of release. Like something had been shut up inside me and finally, finally I could let it out.

[Did you never stop to think that we would worry? That we would be scared? We were fucking terrified Gruffudd, terrified. Mam and Dad I don't think they slept properly for weeks. We all went out looking for you everywhere. Every day we'd think you'd come h-home but you never did. How could you do that to us, do that to them? Gruff they died never knowing you were alive."]

It was an ice cold fury I felt now. The more I thought of it the more despicable, the more unforgivable it was.

["They spent the last year of their life missing you, they died thinking you were already dead, you fucking broke them. I will never forgive you for that, never."]

In that moment I truly didn't think I had it in me to ever do it. I was remembering it all now. Mam looked like she'd aged ten years over night. Every time there was a sound near the door she'd leapt from her seat to rush to see if it was him. I knew how she felt. Every time there was a step outside my heart had leapt but it would only be a neighbour, or dad moving around outside and each time came the crushing disappointment, the sickening feeling of loss and we'd settle back down. Until the next noise. They were just never the same. We were never the same. In a way, home had nearly stopped being home and I remember feeling so guiltily relieved when I had been able to return to Hogwarts, to just get away from the emptiness. My parents had had to live it. I just…how could he just do that to people?

["Gruffudd…how could you?"]

I sounded eerily calm even to my own ears but it was like I'd moved to a stage of anger that allowed me to see everything with perfect clarity. It was like a heightened sense of anger. I could take in every single flicker of emotion on his face although guilt was clearly the strongest there was a tiny bit of anger there too and I narrowed my eyes.

["Non you were so young it's hard to explain I just, I had to get away."]

I waited for more, I mean there had to be more of an explanation then that but when nothing was forthcoming I scoffed and turned to stomp my way back up the house. In my tirade we'd moved further down the garden than I'd realised, nearly in line with the big barn structure Mr Weasley had erected for Charlie's wedding and as I glanced up at the rear of the house I could angrily see that we'd gained an audience. I think everyone was there apart from Harry. Just great.

I glared fiercely even as I walked closer. I was in such a foul mood yet I was awfully aware that under my anger was a large wave of tears waiting to swallow me up. I didn't know how long my anger was going to sustain me but I knew I shouldn't wait around to find out. God I was just so sick of it all. That stupid fight with George, the awkward conversation this morning and now having to come face to face with a person who I'd loved so much and now all I wanted to do was punch his stupid fucking face in. It was all too much, there were way too many feelings to process and I knew I needed to get to a place where there were preferably no people.

When I made to walk up the porch so I could leave through the house I was annoyed to see Mrs Weasley had blocked the way and didn't seem inclined to move at all. I ground my teeth in silent annoyance before I managed to speak.

"Excuse me Molly sorry I need to get by please. I'm not in a very good mood so I'm going to go for a walk."

"Yes in a bit dear but just let me remind you that violence is not acceptable in this household do you understand me?"

What the – was she actually trying to tell me off? Oh my God she actually was. I had to bite back a startled and very un-amused laugh. I mean technically she was wrong anyway I hadn't even punched him inside the house yet there was thankfully some rational enough part of me that knew to not say that out loud.

"Right. Sorry. Can I get by now please?"

I didn't sound sorry at all and I saw her nostrils flare. I'm sure Ginny had mentioned once that it was one of her mum's warning signs but I didn't have it in me to care. As if right on cue Mr Weasley came bustling over.

"Well now it seems everything has calmed down now. Are you alright there Non? Say was that Welsh you were speaking?"

I gazed at him incredulously. Calmed down? Seriously, he thought I'd fucking calmed down? Why was no one listening to me when I said I was in a bad mood and had to leave?! And of course it was Welsh, what other bloody language would it have been?

"I didn't know you could speak Welsh Non."

My gaze swivelled to Bill. He was lying I knew he knew that I could, I was sure I'd mentioned it to Aunt Muriel and he had been there. The analytical part of my brain saw that he was assessing me for my response. God what was I, some sort of social experiment for them all to dissect? I didn't trust myself to frame a polite answer. I felt like I was going to explode with rage.

"Of course she speaks Welsh, it's her first language."

I twitched at the sound of Gruff's voice to my right, his rolling accent so familiar yet at the same time utterly alien given how long it had been since I'd heard him. It still horribly reminded me of my dad.

"Aha I knew it! I told you Bill that English was not her first language."

I switched my detached gaze to Fleur now. It had reached the point that I was fighting so hard to stay calm that I simply couldn't let myself react at all.

"No I mean it I knew it, I was right."

Fleur was getting quite animated even as Bill frowned but kept looking at me and I glared right back. So what did they just all talk about me all the time?

"I've got a question." Ginny's voice piped up and my glare snapped to her but she was too busy staring at Gruff to see. "Who on earth are you?"

"I'm Gruffudd. Hasn't Non ever mentioned me?"

I snorted. Ha, like hell I had. Why mention someone I'd thought was dead?

"She's never mentioned you at all."

Luna's light voice cut slightly through my anger, almost like there was an accusation and as my eyes turned to her I felt a flare of resentment at the small accusation I could see there. Seriously what did it matter that I'd never fucking mentioned him?

"Oh."

He sounded sad. Good.

"Gruff works with us on the reservation Gin, he's in a band too he'll be doing the music for the wedding."

Oh god that meant he was going to be here for days. I clenched my teeth almost painfully at Charlie's words.

"But he was supposed to be sending a letter on ahead to Non. What the hell happened mate?"

I refused to look at him. I was just glad Charlie sounded annoyed.

"I did write a letter."

"YOU DID NOT!"

I whirled on him to see a stupid smug smirk on his face. Fuck he'd probably said exactly that just to goad me into responding.

"I never said I sent it. So you know technically I did write one."

Merlin it was doing everything I could not to brandish my wand and shoot sparks at his face. Actually I knew a rather nasty pulsating boil hex that would be perfect right about now but even as my hand twitched I heard a small laugh and I scowled in the direction it came from and tried to mask the sting of hurt I felt when I saw that it had come from Hermione.

"Why is that funny?"

Her face seemed to curdle at my question and she flapped a hand nervously.

"Oh it's just, you just use that excuse all the time too Non."

She couldn't look at me.

"No I bloody don't."

"Yes you do."

It was Ron's voice that had interjected and he'd said it so matter of factly and was looking at me with such a flat gaze I couldn't bring myself to argue back. I mean who the fuck cared if I did or not. Gruff the utter fucking arse had been so cowardly he couldn't even write to me.

"Anyway, to answer your question further Gin they grew up together but quite clearly haven't spoken for a while. How about we all have a nice early lunch just to settle down?"

"That's a wonderful idea Charlie of course. And Non dear you didn't have any breakfast, I'm sure you're hungry."

Why yes Mrs Weasley, I'm only completely irate because I'm fucking hangry.

I pressed my lips together to stop myself from saying anything before I swivelled on my heels and marched to the barn area, located the very end seat down one side of a large table and sat. I hoped I was in a foul enough mood that people would just avoid me.

It was only later I realised I'd been completely stupid, that instead of going through the house I could have just walked around the side and left, but I guess that's what anger does to you. It makes you spectacularly thick.

It was with some sort of haze that I saw dishes and plates arrive at the table. I suppose I should have offered to help. I supposed to that I should have been apologising to Charlie and Alina for causing such a scene at the start of a week that was supposed to be just about them. I supposed I should have been explaining to my friends why I'd never mentioned someone from my childhood at all. I supposed a lot of things but I didn't move. I just sat wondering if the weird feeling of quiet rage would leave me.

Once the food was plated up and everyone was sat I kept my gaze on my plate. I knew from the sound of his voice that Gruff had sat himself opposite me but I refused to look up and for once I was glad that I was sat by Ron. His tall figure blocked most of the rest of the table out if I hunched down enough. I was also successfully managing to ignore all conversation until a question from Mrs Weasley pierced my consciousness.

"So Gruffudd dear what was Non like to grow up with? I'm sure you must have lots of stories."

What the fuck. What the actual fuck was she doing?

["Don't you fucking dare."]

I hissed the words at him and felt a sickening twist of anger at the smug smirk he'd plastered on his face. But his eyes were annoyed. Shit he really would. Well you know what fine. Let him. I didn't fucking care anymore.

I turned my concentration back to my food and did my best to ignore him but it was like trying to ignore someone shooting water from their wand directly into my face. With each new story it just slammed into me, setting the nice carefully closed doors in my head rattling, with Gruff's door slamming wide open.

"…so Non had to go to Sunday School every week but of course she insisted on dressing herself, even when she was really small, and one time she forgot to put on her knickers…"

I was so angry I couldn't hold my hand steady enough to keep the food on my fork and I slammed it down to swap it for a spoon and I carried on trying to eat.

"….and I told her they were sweets, but you should have seen her face when she realised they were actual worms…"

I hated every single one of them each time they dared laugh at anything he said.

"…and one Christmas oh Non must have been nearly eight, I had been hungover as hell and she'd woken me so early and I was so annoyed with her I ripped the head off of her favourite stuffed toy, it was a unicorn called oh what , Bobby, Babby maybe no wait perhaps-"

"Bertie."

I snapped the name out, an old childish hurt springing to the surface. God he'd been so spiteful that year and completely ruined my Christmas morning.

"Right yes, Bertie that was it, thank you Non."

Urgh he'd plastered on one of his full dimple showing grins and I came so close to flinging the food from my spoon at him. I inhaled deeply through my nose and turned my attention back to my plate and tried to go back to ignoring him.

I don't know for how much longer it went on, all I knew was that my focus got narrower and narrower and that I felt ridiculously coiled, so tight I felt light headed.

"…and one year one of the local boys, Carwyn I think he was called, God Non absolutely hated him, he teased her all summer what was the nickname again? Oh yeah, he called her Non Tits Non so I-"

I didn't hear the rest. I don't even recall moving but it was with a weirdly satisfying feeling I felt my fist connect with his face and solidly this time. As I made to swing again though something slammed into my side and for a time I fought desperately to try and break free of what or whoever was trying to restrain me. I wanted to hit Gruffudd so hard he'd just piss off back to Romania. Didn't he understand that he wasn't welcome?

"For fuck's sake Llewellyn, calm down."

It was only when my head was pinned to the floor and I was near eating dirt that I could focus on the words. Right, it was Ron. I tried to wiggle free but he had my arms pinned tightly behind me and he was way too heavy for me to shift. I breathed heavily through my nose and was horrified to see that I was crying. God I-I'd completely lost control again. What the hell was happening to me?

"I'm-I'm alright now Ron."

And I was. I mean I felt exhausted, drained and if it wasn't for the large lump of upset sat heavy inside me I don't think I'd be feeling anything at all. I hissed slightly as he released my arms and I let him help me stand up. I'd managed to cut his eyebrow and he'd have a black eye forming soon if he didn't heal it straight away and yet I couldn't even bring myself to feel guilty. I supposed it helped that he was chortling.

"Amazing. Beckett's tried everything for the last three years to get you to lose your tempter properly and he's never succeeded. That guy is only here for about an hour and he's managed to get you to flip your lid twice."

I blinked stupidly for a moment. I hadn't realised Beckett had been trying to do that.

"He's just really annoying."

Understatement of the fucking year right there, well done Non.

"I can see that. If it had been me I'd have lost it by the third story."

I nodded absently but embarrassment was starting to set it now that the worst of my anger had been burnt off. Merlin I'd been acting like such a child. Why hadn't I just left? I didn't owe anything to anyone here to stay. I'd known I was close to losing my temper I should have just removed myself from the situation while I could.

"He uh, he seems to want a word. You want me to tell him to fuck off?"

I managed to pull a small smile on my face. You know Ron wasn't all that bad sometimes.

"Nah it's alright. I'll have to do it sometime so…yeah. Thanks for stopping me from doing anything worse. And uh, sorry about your eye."

He shrugged my words off even as I chewed my lip in worry. God if Ron hadn't have stopped me I really could have hurt Gruff and badly. It was weird to think that Gruff had been the one to teach me how to punch in the first place.

["Can we uh, can we talk now Non, please?"]

I blinked in surprise to see that Ron had indeed left and Gruff was stood awkwardly in front of me, his nose obviously swollen after a quick healing spell. I nodded at him, not trusting myself to speak.

["I tried to put this all in a letter because I knew how hard it would be so bear with me. Do you remember how I was before I…left? How messed up I'd been?"]

I nodded. He'd been awful really, getting drunk all the time, knowing what I knew of life now he'd been clearly depressed, but a naïve fifteen year old only saw that her friend was sad.

["It had gotten worse over the years. Living where we come from Non, it can get really lonely I'm sure you know that and I had so many problems of my own. You know I never knew my mother and you know my relationship with…Mr Jones wasn't great."]

I frowned slightly as I nodded. Gruff never had gotten on with his dad, it's why he'd spent so much time at ours. It was a bit weird to hear him refer to him as Mr Jones though.

["Your parents had always offered me a place to stay. They'd always let me look after you, encouraged it even but Non as we both got older, as the trouble I got you in got worse and worse, did you never think to ask why? I mean you ended up in St Mungo's so many times because of me, did you never find it strange your parents continued to let me look after you?"]

I frowned again. I hadn't thought it weird at all. I mean those had all been accidents anyway, just adventures and funny storied to look back on. I heard Gruff let out a frustrated sigh.

["That last time Non, when we had to use the muggle hospital, I nearly killed you for fucks sake yet still they were going to let me be around you. Non it was fucked up. And so I finally demanded to know why."]

I blinked at him in confusion. I didn't recall too much of my stint in the muggle hospital, but Gruff had disappeared two weeks after it.

["But that had just been an accident Gruff. You never hurt me on purpose."]

He shook his head in agitation.

["You aren't stupid Non, don't act like it. No responsible parent would let a babysitter", he spat the word out bitterly, "keep looking after their child after one hospital incident let alone several. And your parents were responsible. They fucking adored you."]

When I didn't say anything he let out a frustrated sigh.

["You know Mr Jones always hated me because he knew that he wasn't my real father, you know that right? You know my mother cheated on him? Did you ever wonder who with? Because I did."]

I felt a prickling sensation like panic start to creep up my spine and for the first time since Gruff arrived I felt the coil of anxiety start to unfurl in my chest, I didn't have any anger left to smother it. I didn't think I wanted to hear what might come next.

["Do you remember how you were a miracle baby? That your parents had thought they could never have children but then one day they were blessed with you. Your parents used to look after me when I was small, after my mother had abandoned me, and I always thought they were happy to do it because they couldn't have a family of their own. But it wasn't just that Non. I asked your dad, we had a big fight about it, about why he let me spend so much time with you and he finally admitted it. I'm your brother Non. Not a pretend one, your actual one. The man my mother had an affair with? That was your dad. I mean it all made sense now why Mr Jones hated me so much, and why he absolutely despised your father. I mean he had to have known."]

I...what? What the fuck was this rubbish? Merlin, he was acting like he truly believed it.

["No."]

["What do you mean no? He admitted it to me, as plain as I'm standing here. You can ask Mr Jones, if you don't believe it."]

I shook my head furiously.

["Dad wouldn't have lied. He would have told us. He wouldn't have kept it a secret."]

It didn't make sense. None of it made sense. Gruff had spent so much time at ours he was like family, if we were actual blood relatives it wouldn't have made any sense not to say.

["Non we grew up in a chapel going rural Welsh community were adultery and bastard babies are frowned upon. He never said because he was protecting your mam's reputation. I mean can you imagine what the old crones from the village would have been like? How they'd have treated her for being scorned, for daring to raise the child of another?"]

I swallowed heavily. I mean the older generation were a bit backward like that. Would they have reacted like that back then? It was hard to remember that Gruff was ten years older than me. But it wasn't just that. This simply couldn't be true because…because…

["If you were really my brother Gruff, not my pretend one like I liked to think, then you would never have left me all alone. Never."]

I said it with such certainty. I knew it with every fibre of my being. If I was to consider for one absurd moment that we were actually blood relatives then it made even less sense that he'd never come back home. That he'd never contacted me. I wiped at my face and was annoyed to see I'd started crying again.

["Non the last time I'd been near you I'd nearly got you killed. You were better off without me."]

I gaped at him.

["How could you…how could you think that? I had nothing Gruff. E-everyone died. Even you. I…how could you just decide that for me?"]

The injustice of it all swirled inside me until I felt a sickening punch of self-awareness land in my stomach. Merlin, was this how George had felt yesterday? How unfair it had been that I'd just unanimously decided for both of us how things would be thinking that I knew better? And God, George. Our conversation from this morning felt like a lifetime ago.

["What do you mean everyone died?"]

I only half heard him and I turned away shaking my head. It just didn't make sense. Nothing made sense. Not how I'd acted last night, not George apparently liking me, not Gruff turning up from nowhere, not his story that he was really my brother. None of it. And yet even as I knew none of it made sense one thought kept flashing through my mind.

My dad lied to me.

My whole life. Had he? Had he really? No, he-he can't have.

"Ah there you are Llewellyn. What the bloody hell has happened to you?"

I blinked myself back into focus and stared up at the scarred face of Beckett. Wait…what? Had I fainted? Was I dreaming? Why on earth was he here?

"What?"

His tut of annoyance was so realistic I figured he had to be real.

"I'm here to discuss work Llewellyn. Do you recall what that is?"

Oh thank Merlin. Work. Yes. I loved work. Work I could sort through stuff, analyse things, help things to make bloody sense. It was my lifeline and I smiled gratefully at him.

"Oh yes, thank you. What do I need to do?"

It was Beckett's turn to blink stupidly before he shrugged.

"Well look I've just had to bring Potter back, I had an emergency owl from him after Dementors turned up at Azkaban and we need to – "

"Fuck off."

I mean what the hell. I needed things to make sense, not him to make up clear dragon shit stories about Dementors for fucks sake. I let out a strangled yelp as he grabbed one of the straps of my dungarees and dragged me forward to where I could see Harry sat at the table, Ginny and Mrs Weasley hovering worriedly around him. Sweet Helga he looked terrible. I don't think I'd ever seen anyone so grey looking before, he had a sheen of sweat on his forehead and it seemed like he was lulling in and out of consciousness. Right okay. Maybe not a dragon shit story.

"Oh."

I didn't think my brain was going to be able to process all of this. This was simply just too much.

"Yes, oh. Now that I have your undivided attention can we please-"

"Does this mean we're finally going to close the prison?"

"What the devil do you mean Llewellyn?"

What did he mean what did I mean? Wasn't it obvious? Throughout everything rattling around in my head I currently only had one clear and solid thought now and I focused on it completely.

"Azkaban. It has to close. It makes us all sick. It's affecting staff numbers," okay I didn't have full proof of that yet but I felt it to be true, right deep down in my bones, "and now there are Dementors. It has to close. There are too many high risk prisoners in there for us to lose control of."

"Lose control? Do you really think that's possible?"

It was Audrey's soft voice that made me realise that I had not been having a quiet conversation with just Beckett but that all of the Weasley's and everyone else was still there. I opened my mouth to answer.

"I think you've said quite enough Llewellyn. Now go get yourself cleaned up, Proctor and Stent are on their way and we have orders for you."

I spluttered in outrage. Firstly at being told to effectively shut up but secondly at the thought of those two arses turning up.

"Okay seriously what the hell is going on? That is completely against protocol. This is a private family gathering if you need to discuss work things you should be calling me into the office."

"It wasn't a request!"

I mean it said a lot for my state of mind that I didn't even flinch when he bellowed at me.

"I gave you a job to do and you're going to bloody well do it. No arguing, no questioning, just do your job and do it well. Do you understand me?"

He'd finished on a hiss but I matched him glare for glare until a small detached part of my brain finally kicked into gear. Before he'd said 'we' have orders for me. But now he was saying 'I' gave you a job. We obviously meant Stent and Proctor, not him. The I was for the job he'd specifically given me.

Think of the bigger picture Non.

I mean this clearly wasn't right, the three of them turning up here, it was actually down right crazy and when I wanted everything to make sense this was all just making it worse. But wasn't that my job? To make it all make sense.

I finally nodded in agreement and took a step back before I tried to run a hand through my hair and it got stuck. Hold on I was…shit I was plastered with food. Oh god of course I must have lunged across the table to punch Gruff. I suppose it was some semblance that I was regaining some aspect of control of my temper that I nearly started to blush.

I just knew I had to focus on something other than what had happened earlier. I mean shit, Dementors at Azkaban was terrible. This must surely be a full on red alert and why…fucking hell actually why hadn't anyone made Harry a hot chocolate?

I'd been in the process of grabbing my bag to head back to the house so I could clean up and change but I paused, unclasped it and acciod a mug and the jar of hot chocolate Beckett had given me the other week which was now two thirds empty.

I grabbed a jug of milk from the table, muttered a quick heating spell before stirring some powder and it into the mug and taking it over to Harry. He looked even worse close up but at least seemed slightly less faint. He couldn't hold the mug himself so I handed it silently to Ginny before I turned to make my way up to the house.

It was amazing really, that I was managing to function at all, even if I couldn't meet anyone's eyes but Beckett's. I couldn't even begin to process how I'd acted today. A part of me knew it was awfully, a part of me knew it was somewhat justified but most of all I focused on Beckett's words to drown out the others that were still trying to burn themselves permanently into my brain.

My dad lied to me.

I shivered as I saw George stood at the top of the porch steps but I simply nodded to him silently as I walked past. I mean really what was my argument with George compared to everything else? I didn't have time for that and I didn't have time for him. I had to get myself ready to act my heart out in front of Stent and Proctor and pretend to be the girlish, giggling stupid Non, and it was only when I shut and locked the bathroom door behind me, closed the lid on the seat of the loo and sat down that I wondered, after everything that had just happened how the fuck was I going to do that?

A/N: Hello, welcome to my lovely readers and any new follower. I hope you liked this chatper.

The reviews to the last chapter were brilliant – thank you all so, so much!

Maya – I hope you made it into work okay = )

I was really, really interested by all your different takes on Non and George's argument at the end of the last chapter. I personally am more in agreement with I'm the Galactic Starfish – I thought George was being an absolute arse.

I'd love to know what you all make of this chapter and how Non has responded to everything.

Some word translations:

Bach = small/little

Dadi = Daddy

Gruff is pronounced like the English Griff.