Disclaimer: I own nothing from the Harry Potter universe, that all belongs to J.K. Rowling. Non Llewellyn however is mine.
Trigger warning (possibly) If you have difficulties with depression and low thoughts etc. then this chapter may be a tough read. Please be kind to yourself and if you don't feel like you can read it then private message me and I can send you a chapter summary.
Chapter 24
I was cold.
It was the one thing I was truly aware of as I struggled to properly wake up. Each time I could feel myself about to surface it was like I was being pulled straight back under by the grasping hands of a memory I hated recalling.
["Run Non! RUN!"]
My dad's terrified face was all I could see. No one should ever be that scared. And for that moment I recalled the fear, my mother dead, the house near exploding as my dad ordered me to run. To leave him.
But then I'd hear a murmur, a strange rumble or vibration under my ear and then I knew nothing, until it all started up again.
I don't know what it was that finally woke me but as my eyes managed to crack open I felt a surge of fear as I struggled to regain my bearings. For a half second I was convinced there was a dementor back in the room with me, like I had discovered on the first night in Azkaban, but as I blinked in the dim light I saw it was just a coat hastily flung over the back of a sofa. I blinked again. I was at the Weasley's.
Now that I was awake I didn't much feel like sleeping again, where memories could get me, and I shivered.
Merlin, I was so cold.
I didn't really remember getting here. After I had been nearly cornered by a dementor I'd been too afraid to sleep for the rest of my stint at the prison and the lack of sleep combined with well…everything, made the whole thing a bit of a blur.
I shivered.
["You awake?"]
The voice rumbled up from beneath my ear.
Oh right. Gruffudd. Him.
I felt numb. I'd thought so much about him until the memories of my dad's demise had taken over but now I just, I didn't feel anything. And yet, my eyes were blurring with tears.
["Yeah."]
My voice sounded like a weird scratchy whisper, it didn't sound like me at all.
["Are you alright?"]
["I'm cold."]
And I was. I wasn't anything else at all.
I felt an extra weight settle around me.
["You were talking in your sleep. About your dad."]
My dad. Not his. Although he was.
["He told me to run. And I did. I left him. I should never have left him."]
God what sort of shit daughter had I been, just to abandon him?
["But he told you to run."]
I wanted to shake my head but I couldn't bring myself to move.
["Non? What…what happened?"]
I opened and closed my mouth a good few times before I managed to get any words out. I didn't really want to say, but it was all so fresh, the memory so close, I just wanted to get it out of my head.
["We were having dinner and there was a noise. Mam got up to look and then there was a flash of green and she was on the floor just lying there. Then the room exploded and we were in the garden. There were death eaters trying to break through to us and dadi made me run. I got to the top of the hill out back and when I looked back they were duelling. It was three against one. And they killed him. I should have helped."]
Normally this memory made me feel sick, the guilt would eat away at me, but I could still hardly feel anything at all.
["He would have hated you to be hurt Non."]
["They came after me then so I ran to Ynys Hir. They followed and a dragon ate one."]
I felt Gruff take in a sharp breath.
["I know I shouldn't have led them there, shouldn't have had a dragon eat a human but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I didn't mean to."]
["God Non that's not why I – that was the right thing for you to do. Did you get to the Jones'?"]
["Yes. It took me a long time it was dark, and I didn't know where the rest of the dragons were."]
["Why didn't you use lumos?"]
["I wasn't of age, I had the trace on me. If I used magic the snatchers would have come straight for me. And I-I didn't have my wand."]
I'd been such an idiot. Our community on the brink of war and I hadn't even thought to keep my wand on me. How stupid, how pathetic I had been.
["If you didn't have your wand then Non, how could you have helped your dad?"]
["I should have had it on me."]
["But you didn't."]
["I should have stayed with him."]
It was weird that even when I didn't feel anything my eyes were managing to cry.
["Non lovely if you had, you'd have died."]
["It would have been better if I had."]
Merlin it really would have. All the hurt, all everything that had followed…none of it would have happened. There'd just be nothing. Everything would have stopped. I wouldn't have known about everyone else dying.
I felt Gruff move beneath my head and I blinked tearfully as his face came into view.
["Don't you say that. Don't you dare even think it."]
That was weird, it almost sounded like he cared.
["I'm tired Gruffudd."]
I was. I really did just want everything to stop.
["Well, rest some more then. You've not been sleeping all that long it's not even morning yet. I'll be here when you wake."]
I could feel bitter thoughts trying to swirl free after those words but the sheer weight of numbness I was still feeling smothered them and even as he nudged my head back on to this shoulder I could feel my eyes grow heavy, and I shivered.
When next I woke it was to sight of a low sun creeping through the gap in the curtains and the quiet clink of cutlery on plates sounding from the kitchen. I was about to sink my head back down on to a pillow when I sat up with a jolt.
Where was Gruffudd?
He-he'd gone. He wasn't here. My heart clenched painfully as I glanced around the room, an old and familiar panic and fear running through me. God where had he gone? Had he gone for good?
The creak of a step had be darting a glance to the stairs and I nearly choked on my sigh of relief as I saw Gruff standing there, before I promptly burst into tears.
["I-I thought you'd left."]
I only just about managed to gulp out those words as Gruff hurried over.
["Sorry Non bach but I had to piss at some point you know. I'm not leaving."]
Not yet.
I couldn't help the silent words, but I knew Gruff wouldn't be staying here forever. That didn't stop me clutching on to his jumper though as he wrapped me in a hug. Merlin everything was so messed up. I didn't want to be sat here, bloody crying again and relying on Gruff of all people but then…why shouldn't I rely on him? He'd buggered off and left me to fend for myself, to do everything the hard, lonely way. Why shouldn't he for a change, shoulder the responsibility? And I was still so tired, I'd been looking after myself for so long, had to make all the decisions, navigate the hellscape that often came with being an adult. For once, why shouldn't someone else just look after me? Surely he owed me this?
I couldn't even bring myself to feel angry with him now. I mean I could see that I was hardly worth sticking around for. I bet even now he was only helping because he felt he had to, what with him staying at the Weasley's for Charlie's wedding. As fake as this help was I wasn't in any sort of place to refuse it. It was like slipping on an old coat, falling back into an old role and if he wanted to pretend then I'd go along with it. I didn't feel like I could do anything else.
["Do you want some breakfast?"]
I blinked slowly at his question before I tiredly rubbed at my face. I wasn't hungry at all.
["I need a shower I think."]
Really I just wanted to get warm.
["Alright I'll just go get Molly."]
It didn't take long for Mrs Weasley to bustle into the room and usher me up the stairs. I couldn't bring myself to listen to what she was saying. God I felt awkward even being here but I didn't think I'd be able to apparate home like I'd like to. Plus I was worried that if I left, that Gruff would leave too.
"Non, dear?"
I startled slightly at her hand on my arm. We were in the bathroom and she had a large blue fluffy towel in her hand that she was holding out to me. Steam was starting to fill the bathroom and I suddenly realised the shower was already running. I hesitantly took the towel from her.
"Are you alright dear?"
I opened my mouth to automatically say that I was find but as my throat closed shut I realised that I couldn't even bring myself to put words to the lie so I simply nodded.
"Well okay, you know where everything is, I'll have a nice breakfast waiting just come down when you're ready."
She gave me another pat on the arm before leaving and closing the door behind her. It took me a while, my fingers kept shaking, but I finally managed to undress and I let out a high sigh of relief as I stood under the hot shower. Even then though it was only momentary relief as any part of me that wasn't under the water would break out in goose bumps. Merlin I hated being this cold.
When I finally felt like I was clean, that I'd washed as much of the prison off me as I could, I hurriedly wrapped myself in the towel before I paused. Shit, I didn't have any change of clothes. Where was my bag? I froze.
Where was my wand?
God I didn't go anywhere without it, without either of them. Shit how could I have been so stupid again? I really was pathetic wasn't I? Just an absolute idiot who-
"Non dear I've got some clean clothes here for you."
I startled at the sound of Mrs Weasley's voice through the door and I held the towel to me tightly as I edged it open. Mrs Weasley was indeed standing there with a folded up pile of clothes.
"I forgot to leave them in here for you sorry dear."
Her face was smiling and her eyes kindly but I couldn't help but frown. Why was she being nice to me? She hadn't been happy with me at all before I'd left for work. I took the clothes from her silently with a nod and shut the door, before I hurriedly got dressed. It was just my dungarees and long sleeve top again and with my hair still soaking wet I rushed out the bathroom to find my bag and wand.
I breathed out a huge sigh of relief as I saw them right by the arm chair in the Weasley's living room and I grabbed onto both before I stood still, uncertain what to do. I didn't feel comfortable enough to go and just sit and have breakfast but I knew I'd have to go through the kitchen to find Gruff. I bit my lip.
"There's food here in the kitchen, if you're that hungry."
I jumped at the deep male voice that sounded before letting out a shaky breath. It was only Charlie.
"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. Mum's got a plate waiting, if you're hungry?"
Was I hungry? I still didn't think I was. Apart from small surges of panic I still couldn't feel much at all. God I was hardly functioning, this was pathetic. C'mon Non, just do something.
I hesitantly made my way to follow Charlie into the kitchen and I sat down to perch on the edge of a seat, my bag and wand still gripped tightly. There was only Mrs Weasley, Charlie, Alina, Fleur and Victoire in the kitchen.
I don't belong here.
I really didn't. They must hate putting up with me so much. Even their conversation seemed strained. I always somehow managed to make everyone feel as awkward as me. And God, where was Gruff?
As soon as I caught sight of him walking through the back door I immediately felt a knot of panic loosen and I sighed. I stared unseeingly as I heard him bustle around the kitchen, talking like everything was normal but even as the sound of his voice jolted me it also felt weirdly comforting. It was familiar. It was…it was a little bit of home. I could feel my eyes fill again and I bit my lip.
["Here you go."]
Gruffudd sounded far too cheerful as he plonked a plate of food in front of me and I glanced at it in surprise. It was a cooked breakfast but with each item of food separated by a triangle of toast. I'd always hated having different foods touching when I was small. I felt a half smile pull at the corner of my mouth.
["Diolch."]
I couldn't even bring myself to scowl as he playfully messed with my hair but as he sat in the seat next to me I felt a bit better. Maybe he wasn't pretending to care. He nudged a mug of hot chocolate into my hands and after I'd taken a few sips he nudged me again to start eating.
I let the quiet conversation pass right over me as I focused just on trying to eat. I don't think I'd eaten properly for days not even with Morris trying to get me to at Azkaban. It was hard going, really it all just tasted like old parchment to me even though I knew it shouldn't, Mrs Weasley's cooking was too good for that.
I was about two thirds of the way through my plate when Gruff had to get up to help Charlie with something outside and as the minutes ticked by I could feel myself start to get queasy.
"He's not going to leave Non."
My eyes darted to Alina's face and I flushed with embarrassment as I tried to hide my face behind my hair. God how pathetic that someone had noticed. How pathetic that I couldn't stop thinking he'd disappear.
"I-I know. He has to play at your wedding."
"That's not the only reason why he's here."
I ignored her soft words. I mean, I knew that it was. People were always bound to say something like that to make me feel better. If I could keep it in mind that he was only here for them, not for me, it would hopefully hurt less when he did leave.
As I finished my second mug of hot chocolate it I tried to muster up the courage to say something as guilt was starting to force its way through the numbness.
"H-how is the wedding preparation going?"
Merlin I hadn't even asked before, not once, not even when she'd first arrived. As her face lit up though at least it seemed like it was the right question to ask. I let Alina speak while Fleur and Mrs Weasley occasionally added to her response but I can't say that I took much of it in. I couldn't work out how I should be responding.
"So anyway today we're sorting out the flowers. Molly knows a wonderful spell that will keep them fresh for Sunday but it would be nice to get it all sorted ready today."
I frowned. God what day was it?
"Yes the twins dropped the last of them off this morning so there's a lot to get through today."
I felt a thrum of adrenaline go through me. The twins. George.
God I-I'd hardly thought about him and yet, I frowned again, he'd been the one I'd messaged to come and meet me off the bus, hadn't I? It was all still such a blur. And damn it, he'd been so upset the night I'd had to leave and I hadn't been able to see if he was okay. I still didn't know if we were okay after everything. Merlin our fight felt like a lifetime ago.
"Where is George?"
I don't know who was more surprised by my question; me or Mrs Weasley. She however quickly smoothed down her apron and carried on as normal.
"Why he's working in the shop dear. It's Hallowe'en after all, it's their busiest day."
Hallowe'en. So it must be Thursday. Of course he'd be in the shop, God what a stupid question to ask. I nodded my understanding.
"C'mon Non, let us show you what we've done so far?"
I blinked slowly to see that Alina had stood up and was gesturing for me to follow.
I tried to suppress a shiver as I headed outside, and I slowly took in the changes. The barn area had nearly been fully decorated now. There were beautiful floating fairy lights, and there were I supposed fashionable drapes everywhere but decorating was never really my thing. But it did look lovely. Dragons were quite obviously a theme too.
"It looks amazing Alina."
I'd tried to add a bit of enthusiasm to my words but I think I failed but it was hardly surprising when I was struggling to feel anything at all.
"Thank you. Here let me show you the flowers."
It didn't take long to see them. One half of the table was covered in an array of red and orange flowers in different shades and varieties with a smaller mound of yellows and gold.
"Here I need them to be separated and secured into these bunches."
She passed me a scrap of parchment that had the instructions on and I nodded. I liked sorting things normally so this was something I didn't think that I could mess up. Well maybe the securing part but certainly not the sorting.
I hesitated as I sat down when I clocked sight of Gruff. Even as relief spread through me I could still feel my back stiffen. He was on a raised platform area sorting out musical instruments, and he was currently looking at me expectantly and it took me a moment to figure out why.
Of course the Non he had known would have been hurrying over crowing her delight and determined to get her fingers on each and every one. But as I was now? I didn't want to go anywhere near them. I ignored the questioning look on his face as I finally eased myself into a seat and started to sort through the flowers.
I must have sat there for hours just mechanically going through the process but I didn't mind. It meant I could just be left alone to not feel anything. The only interruptions came when Gruff plonked a heavy jacket around me and shoved another mug of hot chocolate at me with a small frown on his face, or Mrs Weasley when she tried to get me to eat some lunch.
It must have been mid afternoon, when I was about half way through the pile of flowers, when Ginny and Hermione arrived and a part of me wondered why they were both here so early but I shrugged it off. I just didn't care.
I think they were trying to make small talk but as I methodically pickup up the flowers, trimmed the stems, made sure they were completely level before deftly tied them with some pretty string, I more than easily managed to tune them out.
It was when I was on my third mug of hot chocolate and tiredly rubbing at my face that Hermione got me to respond.
"Have you been doing this all day Non?"
"Yeah."
I was starting to get very aware that as my numbness was wearing off that misery was starting to swirl up inside me and I hastily took another gulp of my drink. See, this is what thinking did to me.
"Oh, but you must be so tired! Here I know a spell that can help and then you can rest."
She smiled at me kindly and I was too busy trying to swallow another overlarge gulp of hot chocolate to respond. God I didn't want her help at all, I didn't want to do anything but sit and sort things into bundles.
It was too late though and with a couple of murmurs and a few swishes of her wand the flowers all sorted themselves and as the last bundle was magically tied there was a slightly strained silence. Forget the rising misery now I felt almost devastated. What was I going to do now? I'd have to try and talk to people.
As Ginny shifted in her seat I turned to look at her but she at least didn't say anything. Perhaps she knew from Harry that it was pointless trying anything the day after we were back from the prison. As Hermione opened her mouth to speak I hastily stood up. I knew she meant it kindly, I knew she was only trying to help but so help me if she was going to get me to talk about feelings now was really not the time.
"I'm- I'm going to go and nap."
It was the last thing I wanted to do, I didn't want to risk anymore nightmares, but it would mean I could sit in a room alone. I think I must have been subconsciously keeping an eye on Gruff the whole time I'd been outside as it wasn't a surprise for me at all when I handed him his jacket as he walked up to the kitchen with me.
["I'm just going to go home to nap."]
And hide under a duvet.
["No point heading back when you can nap here Non, it will save you a trip."]
I frowned. I didn't want to put the Weasley's out any more than I had and they really didn't need me sticking around like a cloud of misery. I didn't even get a chance to protest as Mrs Weasley was soon bundling me up the stairs, my only moment of hesitation coming when I realised Gruff would be heading back outside. I bit my lip though and tried to quell the panic I was starting to feel now he was out of sight.
It was with very muted alarm I realised Mrs Weasley had brought me to the twins bedroom and at the look on my face she hastily explained that Ginny's room was full of things for the wedding. I nodded suspiciously and edged my way in and walked towards George's bed.
"So you just rest here now Non, look there's another hot chocolate for you, you just come down when you're feeling ready."
She'd turned down the covers for me and drawn the curtains but as she made to close the door and switch off the light I felt a surge of fear.
"Please don't turn off the light."
I flushed at the understanding on her face when she simply nodded and closed the door, but left the light on.
God, imagine being afraid of the dark still. I was just so stupid. But then a dementor had appeared out of the dark not three nights ago. I shivered. I managed to wrap myself in George's duvet but even as I clutched the hot chocolate in between my hands I still couldn't seem to get warm. It was like this deep rooted cold right inside of me that no cover or drink could touch.
After about an hour I gave up and attempted to get some more clothes out of my bag, but as my third attempt at accio failed my face crumpled and it was all I could do not to cry again. I couldn't even perform the most basic magic now, I was such a failure.
I managed to crawl from the bed and hesitantly made my way to the chest of drawers. Perhaps there was a jumper or something in there. Turns out that there was a jumper, but there was also an old jack in the box that startled me so much I burst into tears. After I'd managed to calm myself I shoved the jumper on and breathed deep, trying to ignore the squirming of my stomach.
Okay, so it smelt like George. I felt my eyes fill again even as I clambered back under the duvet. What followed was me endlessly trying not to panic that Gruff might leave, to actively trying not to think about George, to then just trying not to think at all. And I guess I must have still been actually exhausted because even though I hadn't thought I'd sleep, I must have done eventually.
It was the creak of the door that woke me and I sat up with a gasp, only to see the surprised figure of George Weasley. He looked…he looked terrible.
He had massive bags under his eyes, he was a strange pale grey shade and he clearly hadn't shaved since last I'd seen him judging by the mess of stubble on his jaw.
"Shit sorry Non, I thought I'd be quiet enough not to wake you. I was just going to grab a jumper."
As he'd been talking I'd struggled out of the bed, completely embarrassed to have been caught napping there. He shot a confused look at what I was wearing and I flushed.
"Sorry I got cold," I gestured helplessly at his jumper I was wearing. "You don't mind?"
"Nah don't be daft, I'm sure there's more in here."
He strode to the chest of drawers and quickly opened one before pulling out another slightly worn looking wool jumper and shrugged into it. It was clearly an old one as it was a bit too tight across his broad shoulders but it at least just about fit.
"See?"
He smiled at me before sighing again as I shifted nervously on my feet. I didn't know what on earth to do.
"Are you feeling any better?"
I frowned slightly at his question. Was I?
"I-I'm feeling better than yesterday. Although that's not difficult."
I was weirdly pleased to see that made him laugh and I bit my lip. He still didn't look very well.
"A-are you alright?" I took a hesitant step closer. I was torn between still wanting to be alone, to wanting to make sure George was okay, to feeling horribly awkward to being alone in a room with him.
"I am now you're back."
I bit my lip again. I wasn't quite sure what to say to that, and the silence was starting to get even more awkward.
"Do you want a hug?"
The comical look of surprise on George's face to my blurted question would normally have made me laugh but now I just desperately wanted to force the words back in my mouth. Why had I even said them?
"That'd be nice Non."
I took small steps towards him before I hesitantly reached out to hug him, George was standing painfully still. With a mix of relief and alarm I felt my breath woosh from out of me as he finally reciprocated and wrapped his arms around me and for a long moment I think I forgot how to breathe. Helga he was so good at these.
I don't know how long we stood like that but it must have been a while, until I could no longer ignore the fact that I really, really needed a wee. I mean given the amount of hot chocolate I'd drunk so far that day it was hardly surprising. I squirmed slightly and George let me go, and as I took a step back it was like a veil of awkwardness settled between us again.
"I – uh, I need to use the bathroom."
He nodded his understanding before gesturing for me to leave the room first.
"Alright, Mum's just dishing up dinner outside if you want some."
I nodded my head in understanding before rushing to the bathroom. God did I want dinner? I'd have to get through a whole meal of probably a lot of people being there. Would I be able to get away without talking too much again? Who could I sit next to? Should I just stick with Gruff? What if that offended George or any of the girls if they were here?
It was only as I was finishing up in the bathroom I realised that my 'what if' thinking had started up again. Did this mean I was starting to feel a bit better? I didn't feel numb as such now, nor completely miserable but I for sure didn't feel happy. I frowned as I tried to analyse just what I was feeling but I came up with a blank, and I sighed.
My dilemma was resolved for me as I made my way outside where Ron was ready to wave me over to a seat. He looked nearly as tired as George but he was sat near the end of the table with a mound of books and parchment next to him, and I silently slid into the spare seat between him and Gruff. This was good, it meant I could effectively hide between them.
Ron sent me a searching look before nodding to himself, and with a grunt gestured that I should dish up my food. God bless Ron and his communicating by grunts, it meant we didn't have to bother to talk. I felt my lip weirdly try and quirk up into a smile and after a reassuring nod from Gruff I set about helping myself to food. It looked like everyone else bar Harry was there and that they'd been sat down for food for a good fifteen minutes or so, judging by their plates.
I let the conversation wash over me, the only thing really drawing my attention being occasionally forking some food in my mouth, or watching Ron turn a page of a book. I didn't feel myself at all but nor did I feel like I was about to burst into tears which I took as progress.
It was after desert when Charlie and Alina were squabbling over a story about a dragon rescue that I started to feel sleepy again and after the third time of my head nodding I glanced in annoyance at the back of my chair. It was just so bloody uncomfortable. When I glanced back around it was to be met with a face full of pillow and I glanced in surprise at Gruff's smiling face. I just about managed an eye roll when I grabbed it suspiciously from him, still somehow knowing I should check it for any tricks. It seemed fine though and I nestled it beneath my head, a mug of tea this time clutched in my hand and I just sat, thankful that no one was asking me to join in. My eyes were tracing over those I could see, and even I noticed that things were not right between George and Fred. Normally they sat together but this time they had Hermione and Charlie between them.
I was frowning over that, only just remembering that George had bloody punched Fred before I left for Azkaban, when I felt sleep catch at me.
I don't know how long I was out for, it couldn't have been too long, but it was a raised voice that must have jolted me from sleep but I kept still, with my eyes closed while I tried to make sense of what I was hearing.
"It's not fair at all for you to say that. We've been here, you haven't."
"And a fat lot of good you've been. How have you all been letting this carry on?"
That sounded like Ginny and Gruff were arguing.
"She really wouldn't want us talking about her like this and you're going to wake her."
Luna's voice was so distinctive I'd recognise it anywhere. And she had to mean they were talking about me.
"If we don't talk about it, we won't figure out how to help. Non's always been good at getting out of things that make her uncomfortable, you know sometimes you have to not let her."
I had to strain my ears that time as Gruff's voice had dropped. It would help if I could free up an ear but I didn't want to move and my eyes were feeling so heavy I was more than happy to keep them closed.
"Well how about we start with what do any of us know that has ever made us question things about her? For me, I'd quite like to know what she did for the whole year of the war."
Trust Bill to start getting so analytical.
"I-I'd like to know how she learnt non-verbal spells. We only start to learn those in sixth year and Non missed hers, but when we all started seventh year together she was already really good at them."
"I'd like to know why she has her whole life packed up in her small bag."
"I'd like to know why she thinks talking a normal amount is too much, and why even that gives her a sore throat."
"I'd like to know why she's terrified of having her house connected to the floo network."
"I'd like to know why she needs to have such strong wards in place to stop anyone finding her home."
"I'd like to know why she doesn't sing anymore."
So that was Hermione, Ginny, Charlie, Fred, Audrey and Luna. I counted them off in my head and had to fight squirming. They were all pretty good questions.
"But she does sing Luna, she did the other week."
"Only because Ernie made her Hermione, she was so against it. It's the only time I've heard her do it since she stopped being in the choir."
"Choir? She was in the choir?"
I could hear Fred sniggering to himself and I couldn't fathom why George hadn't told him. I thought the twins told each other everything?
"She can't sing that's why."
I felt my breath nearly freeze at Ron's muttered words.
"Oh of course she can Ronald, you'd already left the party so you missed it."
"I bloody saw her the next day Hermione, did you? Don't ask her to sing, she can't do it."
"Why can't she?"
There was a strained silence as Ron, thankfully, stubbornly refused to answer Hermione's question.
"Well I think I can answer part of your first question Bill. She went to Ynys Hir to ask for help from the Jones' the day her parents were killed."
"Well that's good that she had somewhere so close to stay."
"They didn't let her stay Molly. I-I went to see Mr Jones when Non was working. I hadn't realised the timeline of events. He said she'd turned up for help, he'd given her a bag of supplies and a tent and then sent her on her way. Said he didn't need the Death Eaters trying to stick their nose in at the reservation. She didn't even have a wand."
There was a very strained silence save for some spluttered gasps from Mrs Weasley and it was all I could do not to bite my lip. God Gruff sounded so angry.
"What I would like to know," I inwardly squirmed as I finally heard George's voice, "Is when Non is going to stop pretending to be asleep."
It wasn't a question, in fact I think he sounded rather amused. I begrudgingly opened one eye very slowly to see a half smile on his face. I rubbed at my face tiredly.
"I wasn't really awake."
I think ordinarily I'd have been amused by the looks of a mix of horror and guilt on their faces but the questions they had all asked were far too awkward.
"Non, could you answer some of our questions?"
I glanced at Luna before sighing. I had to be careful here. Some of them I could answer but I needed to be sure I could use words that wouldn't draw more questions. God I really didn't need to deal with this today.
"Well. I don't like the floo network because that's how Death Eaters got into our home. And I have such strong wards for the same reason."
I swallowed heavily before trying to answer another one.
"Ron is right. I can't sing. Or I can, it just means I can't talk properly for days afterwards. It's why Charlie, I can't talk a lot without hurting my voice. I-I've got damaged vocal chords. I'm not supposed to talk more than I need to. I'm not supposed to shout. And I'm definitely not supposed to sing."
Gruff made a sudden move to my right and I had to glance quickly away at the look of distress on his face. He would know more than anyone just how much that hurt me.
"Gin I have a bag full of stuff ready because I know what it's like to be forced to flee with nothing. I have a dangerous job, I don't want to be in that position again. And-and I'm not going to answer any more."
I took advantage of their silence then to get up and walk away from the table. There was a small bench placed further down the garden and I decided to sit there while I tried to calm myself down. I could feel the creeping misery start to claw its way up me and I took a shaky breath. God so many of their questions had such dark, dark answers. They would know too much. I just hoped what little I'd said would be enough to stop them asking any more.
I felt a figure settle by me and I didn't even have to look up to know it was Gruff.
["I'm so sorry lovely, about your voice."]
I shrugged.
["I've sort of gotten used to it."]
["And it's why you avoid musical instruments? Hermione says she's never heard you play any in your home."]
Damn and damn he had to ask more. I was appalled to find myself sniffling back tears.
["That's part of it, yes."]
Gruff let out a sigh before drawing me into a hug.
["You aren't going to tell me how you hurt it are you."]
I shook my head against his shoulder.
["I should have been there to help. You should never have had to rely on Mr Jones for help".]
He spat out the last word like it was posion.
["If you'd been there Gruff you'd just be dead too. Like actually dead this time."] I shivered at the thought. ["And Mr Jones…he was right to do what he did."]
["How can you possibly think that?"]
He was so angry he'd shot to his feet and I shivered at the loss of warmth.
["God Gruff think about it. Dragons in the hands of Death Eaters? It doesn't bear thinking about. He had to make sure that nothing else would draw their attention like I stupidly had. And please don't interrupt. He gave me the supplies I'd need to survive Gruff. He gave me food, he gave me money, a means of shelter and I-I took your old guitar from your room."]
["What, he'd kept it?"]
Gruff looked like I'd completely blindsided him.
["He'd kept a lot of your stuff Gruff."]
I could see confusion cross his face as he slowly sat by me again.
["He buried my parents Gruff. He saved as much of our stuff as he could and he never had to. I know he could have done more, but I'll forever owe him for what he did."]
We sat in silence for a while before I really started to feel too cold and I rolled my shoulders back to ease the knot I could feel forming.
["Look I'm going to go home. I'll see you tomorrow?"]
I was a bit nervous about leaving him but I tried to quell the panic down. I knew he had to stay here until Sunday, I just had to keep reminding myself.
["No you can't go!"]
I stepped back slightly alarmed at the urgency in his voice but he hurried on.
["We've got so much to talk about and we haven't had a chance yet. I mean if you're not still too angry with me…won't you stay? I've got a spare bed roll in the tent, and we can light a fire so it's warm. Please?"]
I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Really I wanted to hide underneath my duvet while the fire roared away in my living room. But the stupid pleading in his gaze, I'd always found him hard to say no too. I even desperately searched for the anger I had felt only a few days ago but it was like it had fizzled out. There was a healthy dose of resentment, and a lot of bitterness, but not anger.
["I…alright."]
I hesitated for a moment before following, wondering if I should say something to any of the Weasley's, or really if I should talk to George. I bit my lip. Perhaps I shouldn't. I bit my lip again in indecision before another call from Gruff made up my mind for me.
I half thought I could see George watching as I glanced over my shoulder but I was soon ensconced in Gruff's tent.
He more than filled up the silence as he hurriedly set up a spare bed for me and got the fire lit. I blinked in a bit of a daze as he started to tell me just what he had gotten up to since last I'd seen him. Turns out he'd actually gotten married last year but didn't have any children yet. His wife was one of the chief healers at the dragon reservation on Romania so wouldn't be able to come to the wedding.
["Seriously Non no one is busier than her. It took me months to even get a date."]
He was grinning away to himself though and I felt a dull flare of jealousy. It seemed that every feeling that I had was muted and I supposed that was a good thing. I don't think I was equipped currently to be hit with feelings that were too strong.
It was weird how easy it was to talk to him. How he could coax me into conversation, none of the silences were awkward and I could simple just…be myself. The only sticking point came when he started to tinker with some of his guitars.
["Here Non, help me tune this one will you. No one has a better ear than you."]
I felt a shot of panic shoot through me.
["Oh no, I-I better not, I wouldn't want to break it by accident."]
God what if I did? It looked a really expensive one, I'd be mortified.
["Break it? Non lovely you've known how to tune a guitar since you were about six, how on earth could you break it? Besides even if you did, I could just fix it with my wand."]
Oh right yes, I supposed he could. I bit my lip.
["A-alright then."]
I hesitantly took the guitar and set about quietly tuning it. It only seemed to need minor adjustments, and that was probably from it being packed up for travelling.
["I've been talking to your new future family while you were away."]
I gave a grunt in reply that Ron would have been proud of as I continued to run my finger over the strings.
["The only one who even slightly knows you is George."]
I glared at Gruff heavily as I twanged the most awful note as my fingers jerked in response to his words and he laughed.
["I'm serious. They don't fucking know you Non at all. You've got to start letting them in."]
My glare settled into a scowl.
["You know I don't have to listen to a single piece of shit you say right?"]
I tried to ignore the smirk he sent me as my mind raced. God what on earth had they all been talking about?
["Did – did George say anything about me?"]
I tried to pretend that Gruff's smirk hadn't grown into a stupid fucking grin.
["Not a lot actually. Don't think he likes me much. He seems a good sort though, how come you don't want to marry him?"]
I scoffed at the question before I decided to reply. I mean I obviously couldn't tell Gruff why I hated not having a choice so badly but he would surely understand not wanting to be made to do something.
["So let me break this down Non. You're shutting the poor guy out, aren't willing to even consider anything all because 'you don't want to'."]
I flushed in embarrassment.
["You're making it sound so childish."]
["That's because it is. Stop being an idiot. Either decide you don't want him so you just have the marriage as a front. Or decide that you want to try and make things work. You don't have other options."]
I gazed at him feeling weirdly betrayed. The Gruff I had known would never have said any of that to me, he'd have raged against the law and tried to find a way out of it.
["You've changed."]
I maybe should have made that sound less like an accusation.
["So have you."]
We both half heartedly glared for a bit before he laughed and gestured that I should hand the guitar back to him.
["You still look absolutely done in Non. Try and get more sleep. I'll keep the fire lit so it'll be warm."]
I sighed lightly but I couldn't say that I wasn't still tired because I was. It was even an effort now to stay sitting upright. The creeping misery seemed to have settled as a low level ache in my stomach and my tears seemed to have disappeared. These were both signs that the effects of the prison were wearing off which was something.
I was still confused as to where my anger with Gruff had gone though. Did part of me know that I had to put it to one side so I could effectively use him as my prop to get better? Or was it like it had always been, that no matter what I just couldn't stay mad at him? I gave up trying to make sense of it as my head hit the pillow and my eyes traced patterns in the flickering flames of the fire at the centre of the tent. With Gruff humming away to himself and plucking out low tunes on the guitar, I drifted off to sleep.
A/N:
I am so, so sorry for the delay.
I had to get the final room of my house finished which was super stressful that I couldn't write at all. Then I've been pretty demoralised by the General Election campaign we've just had here in the UK. It's been such depressing and worrying viewing that I couldn't really face writing a chapter where Non was so sad. Before I knew it a month had gone and I hadn't written anything so apologies if this chapter doesn't quite flow.
I do want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has reviewed. Getting the notifications through always makes me unbelievably happy and your feedback is what helps me with writing more. And hello to all the new followers too.
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter (even if I think it's a bit of a filler) and I'm sorry I made you all wait a few weeks longer than normal.
Diolch,
Yav