The Wonderful Wizard of Jars: A Johnny Jars Adventure
Chapter 1
Once upon a time there was a man named Johnny Jars. One day, Johnny Jars was walking down the street. "Eyyyy! A'm wahkin heah!" he said, like all New Yorkers do whenever walking anywhere. TRUE FACT. (I know this because I went to the Statue of Liberty once) Suddenly a tornado came out of fucking nowhere! "Eyyyy, whadafuck?" said Johnny Jars. "We's don't gets tornadas heah in Noo Yawk!" So the tornado turned into a bee tornado, because New York does have bees (again, I went to the Statue of Liberty once).
"Oh shit! Bees!" Johnny Jars yelled. He ran from the bees to his apartment. However, when he got in his apartment, the bee tornado grabbed his apartment and tore it out of the building! "Oh shit! Dese bees ares crazy!" The bee tornado spun the apartment around and around and around. Then the bee tornado dropped the apartment and it crashed into a witch or something. "Eyyyy, I thinks I just hit a witch oar somethin" said Johnny Jars. He opened the door and stepped out.
Outside, the world was bright and colorful. Bagels were growing on the trees, and the sky was the color of green carrots. Florham Blobs and Higley Lobes were all over the damn place and there were a bunch of little bananas and potatoes dancing around singing about how the witch was dead or some shit. "Whoa!" said Johnny Jars. "I don'ts thinks I's in Noo Yawk anymore."
A mystical onion ring slowly started floating toward him, getting bigger and bigger, until it opened up to reveal a polka-dotted duck-billed squirrel-crab named Borm. "Well done, Johnny Jars. Thou hast slain the Wicked Witch of the Right."
A group of potatoes wearing eyepatches and pirate hats walked up to him. "Yaaaaarrrrr!" said the biggest one, "We do be representin' the Potato Pirates! And in the name of the Potato Pirates, we do be wishin' to be welcomin' ye to Potato Land! Yarrr."
Then a group of bananas wearing bearskin cloaks and horned helmets came up to Johnny Jars. "Huh! Huah! Hur!" they chanted. The biggest one said, "We represent the Banana Barbarians! And in the name of the Banana Barbarians, we wish to welcome you to Banana Land! Huh! Huah! Hur!"
The potatoes looked at the bananas. "Yarrr, this bein' potato land!"
The bananas looked at the potatoes. "No, this is banana land!"
"Potato Land!"
"Banana Land!"
And then the potatoes and the bananas went to war because it turned out the rule of the Wicked Witch of the Right was the only thing keeping peace in the land. As the potato pirates fired their cannons and the banana barbarians fired their heat-seeking laser shotguns, Johnny Jars turned to Borm. "Eyyy, how da fuck do I gets outta heahs?"
Borm clacked his fluffy claws. "Well, Johnny Jars, it is quite simple. All thou needest is a jar, or maybe a bottle."
"Well, dat's not gonna be's a problem!" said Johnny Jars. "Aftah all, it's me, Johnny Jahs, of Johnny Jahs' Jahs and also Battahls! I's gots plenty a jahs and also battahls!" He walked back into his apartment to get a jar or maybe a bottle. A loud sorrowful cry was heard from inside the apartment. "OHS NOS! MAH JAHS AND ALSO BATTAHLS! THEYS ALL GOTS SMASHED!" Johnny Jars sadly walked out of the apartment.
"Well, that is problematic," mused Borm. "Unfortunately, there is nowhere in this entire land that has jars. Well, except for... the Wizard."
"Da wizahd?" asked Johnny.
"Yes, the Wonderful Wizard of Jars!" Borm replied.
"Wow, dis Wizahd a Jahs sounds great! Where kin Ah fahnd im?"
"Well Johnny Jars" quoth Borm, "All that thou must do... is follow the Yellow Brick Road!" He waved a fuzzy claw in the direction of a road made out of yellow bricks.
Johnny Jars stepped onto the road, and his foot sank into it. "Eyyy, whaddafuck?" He looked down at the yellow brick. It was in fact a brick of Velveeta cheese. "Uhhh, whydafuck is dis road made a Velveeduh?"
Borm's mystical onion ring formed around him and he floated off. "Just follow it! Before the Banana-Potato War gets worse!"
Johnny looked at the road of Velveeta cheese, then at the battle between the Potato Pirates and the Banana Barbarians. Currently the Bananas were winning, but the Potatoes were about to activate the Thermonuclear Chainsaw TM. "Yeah, Ah don'ts wannuh sticks arounds fa dat." And so, Johnny Jars squished his way along the Velveeta cheese road.
END CHAPTER ONE