But What If

by Yavanna and SunStar

It's the summer of 2002 when Non Llewellyn, an anxiety riddled PTSD suffering auror, is just struggling to get through the days. Hot on the case of dark wizards who evaded capture after the war, she doesn't have time for any additional stress but when a new Ministry of Magic law gets put into place her world will never be the same again. *AU as FW lives*

25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I own nothing from the Harry Potter universe, that all belongs to J.K. Rowling. Non Llewellyn however is mine.

Chapter 25

When I woke up it was to the surprise to find that not only had I not had any nightmares, but that I was also in a tent. It took a few moments for my mind to piece everything together and when it did I buried my face in a pillow. Merlin, I had been a mess yesterday. And God, just relying on Gruff like that. What on earth was wrong with me?

I sluggishly managed to roll over and sure enough, he was fast asleep on the other side of the tent. I could see that the fire he'd lit was still dancing merrily, he'd clearly charmed it to stay burning and for that I was thankful. I was still a bit cold but it was the sort of cold that seemed to be coming from the inside. A side effect from Azkaban maybe, or the dementors.

Even the thought of them seemed to make the shadows in the tent deepen and I frowned, making my eyes trace over the inside of the tent to reassure myself there wasn't one here. It had frightened me, and badly, to wake up to find one in my room at the prison. Given I locked it from the inside it made no sense that it had managed to get in.

Unless someone else had a key. And opened it from outside.

I shivered and wrapped the heavy blanket closer around me. I didn't want to think about that. I didn't really want to think about anything. How was one person supposed to actually process everything that I had been confronted with over the last few days? First George, then Gruff, then the possibility my dad had kept a pretty bloody big truth from me, then Azkaban…it was surely too much for anyone to process.

I hadn't felt this horrible mix of weird stored up adrenaline making my body too tense combined with an awful exhaustion for a long time, and I didn't like it. God this was so unfair. I'd worked so hard to work through everything that happened with Gruff and my parents why did it all have to come crashing back down on me now? I mean, I'd had counselling. I'd talked through it all before, or well some of it anyway. I'd learnt the techniques to cope with my darker thoughts. I'd processed it, and sure I didn't speak about it much, or well…at all, but surely it wasn't like what I did with the war. I mean I knew deep down I needed to do more about that but the night I'd lost my parents? I thought I'd dealt with that.

I didn't know what time it was or how long I just lay there blinking at nothing but I couldn't summon up any kind of energy to move. Eventually though my eyes started to take in more details from the tent. There was one violin and two guitars propped up against a trunk and there were music manuscripts everywhere. It didn't seem like Gruff had changed at all although I vaguely recalled accusing him yesterday that he had. There had been a time where any room I had been in would have looked the same. And then there was Gruff himself. A part of me was wondering why I wasn't uncomfortable being near him, I mean after all I didn't really know him now. Who knew what had happened to him since I'd last seen him? Was he the same? Could I trust him? He'd never been the most dependable but we'd always understood each other. Or I'd thought we had.

God and I'd just let him look after me like I was completely incapable. I hadn't even been able to control the panic I'd felt when he'd even left a room. It was like I'd completely regressed. That last thought sent a surge of both anxiety and annoyance through me. I was half worried that I really had gone backwards and half adamant that I wouldn't let that happen. Now if only I could I could bring myself to move. I really, really wanted to just go home and hide and somehow find a way just to work through everything that had happened.

I eventually managed to sit up and I scrunched my nose in annoyance. I hated sleeping in clothes I'd worn all day. Moving as quietly as I could I carefully grabbed up my bag and wand and tiptoed my way out of the tent and up to the house. It was clearly still exceptionally early and not even Mrs Weasley was up. Good.

I took the opportunity now that I was alone to see if I was able to start performing basic spells again after my disaster attempt yesterday. I opened up my bag and muttered an Accio and although it was slower than normal some scrap parchment, quill and a tiny bottle of ink did fall into my hands. That was something at least. I scribbled a quick message to say that I was going home for a bit before I summoned up as much concentration as I could, and apparated home. Normally I'd never apparate directly away from inside, it was the height of bad manners, but seeing as no one else was around I figured it didn't matter. I felt winded once I appeared in Wales but even as a cold wind started to pull at my hair I breathed it in deeply and felt better. I knew this wind, I knew the smells here, I knew everything about this place. It was familiar, and I badly needed that.

I hesitated as I let myself into my house, torn between jumping straight in the shower or not. Finally I decided I had so many things to tidy up and catch up on I may as well get that over and done with first. Pointless getting myself clean only to have to shower again after my chores. That decided I did a quick once over the house, grimacing at the amount of laundry I had, before sorting that and making my way outside. I pulled a face, even as I pulled on a woolly hat and trudged down to the greenhouse. My garden needed so much work done to tidy it up a bit in time for winter. I didn't like it to be spotless as there were plenty of animals and bugs that still needed a food source over winter, but I at least liked to do a bit as that meant I didn't have a giant task then to tackle it all come the spring.

It would have to wait though. I just didn't have the time. I didn't seem to have the time for anything anymore. When I reached the greenhouse I nervously poked my head around the door and recoiled quickly as a thorny vine came snapping out at me. Right, okay, the plants were pissed off. I managed to nab my protective goggles with a quick summoning charm from the hook by the greenhouse door and once they were on I squared my shoulders, and entered.

Magical plants were always so funny. Some you could ignore for weeks on end so long as they had a supply for food but others…let's just say they were attention seekers and they had been starved of that lately. I was so busy trying to placate them I didn't even hear anyone approach.

"Non? Non? Oh, there you are!"

I whirled in alarm at the voice and raised a shaky hand to my chest as I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh Ginny, it's you, you startled me I – argh!"

A particularly angry plant seized the moment of distracted to wrap an exceptionally thorny vine around my fingers. I was fortunate it wasn't my wand hand and I sent a slightly stronger stinging freeze at it than I intended but it at least let go of my quickly. I glared at it resentfully even as I made my way outside where Ginny had beaten a hasty retreat to once she'd seen how angry the plants were. I shoved the goggles to the top of my head and huffed.

"They don't like being neglected."

I'd said it by way of explanation to Ginny and she quirked a smile at me before indicating we should head inside so she could help me fix my hand. It was only a few scratches really but I didn't see the sense in arguing. I was starting to feel nervous now as I pondered why she was here and by the time we were sat at the kitchen table my shoulders were rigid.

"Relax Non, I know I'm not the best nurse but I don't bite."

I cast a guilty look her way only to realise a split second too late that she was just joking, and I bit my lip. Ordinarily I'd have known that.

"Sorry Gin, I'm just…I've a lot going on in my head."

That was a wholly inadequate way of putting it but it was all I had. Ginny let out a snort.

"You're telling me. I'm amazed you aren't actually barricaded in your bedroom, but no you had to be working. One of these days I'm going to give you a lesson in how to relax."

I fought hard to try and bring a smile to my face but failed. To cover it up I picked up my wand to start directing the kettle to boil so we could have a cup of tea. Ginny was taking her time with my hand and I wasn't sure why, it hardly needed any attention, but I felt weirdly trapped.

"He was worried about you."

"Who was?"

I frowned lightly as I directed two steaming mugs of tea to the table.

"Your brother."

I stiffened at her words.

"He's probably just saying that Gin. And he's not, I mean, I don't know if he really is you know."

"Does it matter if you're blood relatives or not? Non I am perhaps a world expert on brothers and the way you two interact? He's your brother."

I mean, did it matter if we really were or not? The only reason it did was because it determined whether my father was a liar or not. And deep down, I really think he was. But if he lied for a good reason, did it matter? Truly? I bit my lip.

"He left me alone Gin. I can't see that he cares."

She stared at me with such a serious expression and for such a long moment I started to shift uncomfortably in my seat as my eyes darted down to the table top.

"He was worried you'd hurt yourself."

I was so relieved she'd finally broken her silence it took me a couple of seconds to process her words and I shot her an alarmed look. Hurt myself? What, like he'd let us think he'd done? As if I would ever do that! I could feel anger starting to flare up through me and I outright scowled.

"I'd bloody never do to anyone what he did to us Gin, never."

I rather infuriatingly couldn't read her expression, though her grip on my hand tightened and she took a deep breath.

"He said that you'd said things would have been better if you'd died with your parents."

I swear I felt the blood drain from my face.

When had I even said that? I'd thought it in very dark moments but I don't think I'd ever voiced it to anyone but – oh! Of course. He'd asked what happened and I'd been so completely out of it. I could feel the heavy frown on my face but I tried to smooth it away when I glanced back at Ginny.

"I was just chatting shit after Azkaban. You know how much of a drain it can be. I wouldn't…Gin I'm not going to kill myself. If that's what you're all worried about."

I could hardly believe I was having to say those quiet words out loud, but as I saw her shoulders relax slightly I was horrified to think she'd needed to hear it. I must have appeared even worse than I'd felt yesterday, for even Ginny to get that worried and I found that deeply upsetting. That stupid fucking prison.

"I'd not normally press like this Non but there's so much I've realised I don't know…I'm sorry."

I blinked at her in confusion and she let out an exasperated sigh.

"We all just assumed you'd spoken to one of us Non. That at least one of us knew what had happened to you. Or that you'd told Susan or Justin or anyone…did you? Did you tell the Hufflepuffs?"

I had to fight against biting my lip. I badly wanted to lie to her and tell her that I had just so that she could feel better. It hadn't been any of their faults at all I hadn't told them anything. God getting back to school after the year I'd had…I'd been determined to try and act as though it had never happened. Which even at the time I realised was stupid, but I just threw myself into being with Justin and trying to ingratiate myself with a new group of people. I'd done everything I could to be helpful, I mean the things Hermione, Ginny and Luna had done in the fight against You Know Who, I'd never have dreamt of telling them my problems. I lightly shook my head and her face fell.

"Please don't feel bad Ginny. I went out of my way to make sure people didn't ask questions, I just wanted to pretend that year hadn't happened. I know it was stupid, heck why do you think I ended up needing counselling? And look Azkaban has fucked me up a bit but I already feel much better today than I did yesterday. I just…I just need time."

"You know you always say that Non and yet you never actually get around to saying anything."

Well damn, she'd noticed. I shifted awkwardly again and was pleased that she finally let go of my hand, and I cradled it in my lap.

"Something's just really hurt to talk about. It's better that I don't."

"Better, or easier?"

I was taken aback by her sharp tone and she sighed heavily.

"Look I don't know how much you know about the first You Know Who war Non, but mum lost her twin brothers in it, Dolohov murdered them, and she never spoke about it. It upset her too much. We didn't find out much about it until the second war was really underway and trust me when I say it made things so hard for Fred and George growing up. Mum would always treat them differently and we never knew why. They nearly left so many times."

I felt a chill run down my spine at that but I was speechless.

"You should ask George about it someday you know."

It was the second mention of his name that did it, and I felt a flutter of nerves move around my stomach and I physically felt so uncomfortable at just the thought of him it's like I wanted to shed my skin. I just, Merlin, I didn't know how to think about him.

"Yeah I don't think we'll be up to chatting about topics like that Gin. Or at all."

I'd said the last bit as a quiet mutter but she still heard me.

"You two made up yesterday didn't you? What did you fight about anyway? He wouldn't say."

I abruptly stood up, I had so much pent up energy I needed to move but I balked as I stood facing the kitchen. God that's where we'd kissed and everything had gone wrong. I huffed to myself as I hurried to the pantry to get out baking ingredients. I needed to make a large batch and I paused in confusion after I'd placed everything on the counter top. Why did I need a big batch?

I'm going undercover with Ron.

For the second time I felt the blood drain from my face. Oh holy fucking shit, I'd forgotten. Or part of me had. Fuck. I'd have next to no time to prepare. I rubbed at my forehead as I felt a headache starting to form even as I waved my wand to get the baking started. I'd done it so many times I felt like I could do it in my sleep.

"Non?"

I jumped at Ginny's voice and as I glanced her way I nearly managed a smile at the baffled look on her face.

"I, sorry, no I…I fucked up Ginny. With George. I think I've messed up everything."

"Amazing. He says exactly the same thing."

My jaw dropped.

"But…"

Ginny snorted a light laugh before she walked over to help.

"Non if you haven't made up, why have you been wearing his jumper since yesterday afternoon?"

I very nearly had an accident with the cake mix I was so startled, but even as I glanced down at myself I realised with muted horror that she was right. I'd gotten cold hadn't I? Oh sweet Helga then I'd hugged him. And…and I'd slept in it. God I'd been so out of it. I didn't dare glance at Ginny as I fought hard to stop a furious blush. Predictably I failed and I felt so hot and flushed I shrugged out of the jumper as quickly as I could.

"Seriously Non?"

I blushed again at her words. I suppose actually that was rather a childish reaction of me. I evaded more of her questions for the next ten minutes while I got the baking trays ready but as soon as I'd placed them in the oven Ginny'd grabbed hold of my arm, and while levitating two more mugs of tea she all but marched me to the living room.

"Right you. Sit. Speak."

"Ginny I can't talk to you about him. He's your brother!"

"Oh don't be so silly Non, it's not like you'll be talking about you having sex. Now that I'd rather not know about."

I flushed again and as her eyebrows shot up I felt a bolt of anxiety shoot through me as George's words seemed to replay themselves in my head. I was definitely not telling her what he'd said. I'd have to brush over the details.

What followed was the most agonizingly embarrassing five minutes that I'd had for a long time. I couldn't look Ginny in the face and as I recounted it out loud my actions seemed even more childish and absurd than even I'd thought before. As my eyes traced the edge of a blanket I'd wrapped around me, I heard her scoff.

"Idiot."

"I know, I know, I didn't mean to react like that-"

"Merlin Non, not you! I meant Geroge, honestly, I swear sometimes Bill, Charlie and I were the only ones born with actual brains."

A startled snort of laugher left me as I glanced at her in surprise and she rolled her yes.

"He acted the pratt. You better not have apologised to him. I mean seriously, one kiss and he goes straight to talking about sex."

She scoffed again and I puzzled over her words. I hadn't thought about it like that at all because the kiss had been so well…

Amazing.

…full on, had I not reacted right again? God perhaps I hadn't. I never seemed to know how to process any interaction properly.

"Why am I related to such idiots?"

It was the mock mournfulness of her words that had me surprise myself with another laugh.

"Join the club."

I surprised myself again by managing to keep the bitterness from my voice.

"Yeah okay, you're perhaps winning there. Although when I think about it what with Ron, Percy the bloody twins I might just edge it. Non can you, I mean…why did you never mention him? Gruff I mean."

Who else could she have meant? I shrugged the thought off, going by Ginny's posture and chewing of her lip she was just nervous. I let out a deep sigh.

"And just have another awkward conversation about how a person from my past is dead? No thank you. Do you know how tiring it gets Gin to talk about my past, and then people ask me where so and so is now and every time I'm like, oh you know, they're dead. I find talking to people hard without throwing stuff like that in."

And it was true. It was a bloody nightmare having to go through that process. And I meant what I'd said earlier too, I didn't like talking about things that hurt me. That's what the doors in my head were for, to keep those things away.

"You've kept pictures up of you and your parents through Non, there's nothing of him."

I grimaced. She had a point.

"Up until he left Gin, my life was good, no it was perfect. And then he just…disappeared. It…it hurt. And in a much different way to losing anyone else because there wasn't any closure. And I mean he wasn't actual family, he wasn't a friend from school, I didn't know where he fit, or even how to explain him."

"So you what, just erased him?"

I felt my mouth twist bitterly.

"I guess."

I couldn't even feel guilty about it.

"I wish I could know more about what you were like before Non. I know I saw you in classes, but it's not the same."

"I haven't changed that much Ginny."

"Gruff seems to think you have."

Yeah well Gruff could go fuck himself. I might know that I still loved him, even be glad in a very twisted way he was here, but right that moment I was still oh so very angry with him again. It was a horrible mix.

I frowned as I stood up and made my way over to the small Welsh dresser tucked into an alcove to the right of my fire place. As I knelt down and opened one of the cupboard doors, I muttered a few incantations before reaching in to one of the hidden compartments to pull out and old and rather battered photo album. I shuffled back to the sofa before handing it to Ginny.

"I'm too shit with words to even know where to begin, but those are the photos that Mr Jones managed to save for me. They'll show you more than I ever could."

Ginny couldn't hide the curious gleam in her eye as she gently took the album from me although she did manage to send me a light frown.

"Do I even want to know the reasoning behind you keeping this in a secret compartment in your dresser?"

I shrugged.

"It just means they're safe. Look I'm going to go shower, can you take the cakes out of the oven when my timer goes?"

Ginny nodded her agreement and I hurried to head upstairs, trying to ignore the feeling of her eyes following me. I'd never shown those photos to anyone who was still alive and still known to me and I didn't really want to have sit down and talk through them. At least by hiding out in the shower I could avoid that part, while still satisfying some of Ginny's questions I hoped.

It was only when I was stood under the steady flow of hot water that I finally felt a residual stiffness in my shoulders disappear. I tried desperately to let all of my negative thoughts wash away, to at least try to create some sort of order in my head as to what to think on, what to process, as hard as that was going to be.

I knew as of Monday I had to be work focused, and Ron would have all of my attention. That was a given. I couldn't allow anything to interrupt that, it was far too dangerous. I worried my lip as I washed my hair. That meant I had basically two and a half days to get through, including a wedding. That was manageable, surely even I could do that. What I needed was a focus, that always made me feel better.

Charlie and Alina.

Of course. I felt a squirm of guilt try and surge through me as to how I'd behaved so far on their wedding week. A drama like mine and Gruff's must be a nightmare for them to deal with when they've so much to plan and when all they should be focusing on is their big day.

I mean I could do it. I could go back and help, I liked being organised and it would give me a way to avoid spending too much time with any men whose names began with G. Because quite frankly it was going to take me a long time to properly get my head around Gruff's reappearance and George…I didn't even know where to start. The thought of him made me uncomfortable yet I'd managed to hug him yesterday with no problem at all. It just didn't make sense, and that was something I was completely determined not to put myself through. Or well, to avoid it as much as possible at a Weasley family wedding.

I finally turned off the shower and tried to get dressed as quickly as I could. I had the feeling I'd taken too long and I didn't want Ginny to start worrying that I'd maybe done something stupid. I shivered at that thought. I can't believe they'd thought I would do anything like that at all.

I hurried down stairs and sniffed happily at the smell of freshly baked cakes and cookies. Now that was a smell that always made me feel better. I found Ginny at the kitchen table, the photo album closed in front of her as she munched on a cup cake.

"I couldn't resist sorry."

I waved her apology away as I grabbed a cupcake of my own.

"There's plenty it's no bother."

I started to pack up the cakes in their containers that would magically keep them fresh. I'd get around to decorating them next week. I cast Ginny a nervous glance as I did it as she was being strangely quiet and I was slightly disturbed to see her staring at me.

"You had blue hair."

I flushed at her words.

"Only once. When I was fifteen, it's I think in the top two of angry I ever saw my mam. It was my very brief flirtation with being a punk."

"Punk?"

"Yeah you know, the style and music and ah okay, it's a muggle thing." I'd seen she was still looking baffled. "It was just a phase anyway and very short lived. Gruff l-left a few weeks after I'd done it and it just didn't seem to matter anymore."

And I hadn't wanted to upset my distraught parents any more than they were.

"Did you do it yourself?"

"Nah, I got one of Gruff's friends to do it. Gruff refused point blank as he knew it would piss off my mam but Tomos, the drummer in their band was born an absolute arsehole so he never minded who he annoyed, helped me do it."

"Oh I saw a few of you with a band. He was a bit horrible then?"

I frowned as I thought back.

"Tomos never had a filter. Just said what he thought and didn't care if it upset you. Added to that he was near permanently high on weed. He hated that I'd hang around and help with rehearsals and stuff. I cramped their style, apparently."

I shook my head at the memory, half frowning but half wanting to smile.

"I much preferred Macsen, he played the bass and was nearer Gruff's age. He was like a giant big teddy bear and used to let me braid his beard."

My brief smile faltered though as I thought of them. They'd both been gone by the time I'd made it back home after the war and whilst I'd never expected Tomos to stick around I'd felt a bit hurt there was no word of Macsen. I'd always thought he'd liked me but maybe he, just like Tomos, had only put up with me because of Gruff.

"There seem to be an awful lot of photographs of you smiling in St Mungo's."

I was glad her words interrupted my thoughts, and my lips actually managed to twitch at that as I came to sit opposite her.

"Well I wasn't always risk averse you know. I was very…inquisitive? I think, when I was small. I don't think I really learnt to take stock of potential dangers until I hit about eleven or so. Now of course, I'm attune to all danger."

Ginny actually laughed at that but I could still see a puzzled frown so I nudged her leg under the table to prompt her.

"Sorry Non it's just…you're paired with George. And if you got into this much trouble when you were small and well George is George…I'm a bit worried about what children you might produce."

I gaped at her as she laughed, my mind ricocheting away from the thought of me, George and making babies.

God it's sex Non, sex. I was so stupid sometimes.

"Honestly I think it's best we don't tell mum, up until this week she was convinced you were a nice young witch who would be a calming influence on him. I think you shocked her enough when Gruff arrived, no need to alarm her further."

Ginny was out and out teasing me now.

"Oh ha ha. Everyone is stupid when they're small you know."

She giggled again before getting to her feet and I slowly made a move to follow, taking my time to put the photo album away, pick up my bag, check I had my wand and to get my jacket.

"You're dawdling Non."

I ducked my head a bit, pushing my now annoyingly long hair behind my ear as I shrugged. As I was shutting the front door I heard the musical cry of a dragon overhead and I breathed in deeply. God but I loved it. It was like the note of their cry could run right through me and just lift me up. It was just so familiar to me.

It was safety.

The thought startled me. Most people would see dragons as a danger but after they'd inadvertently rescued me…I never felt safer than I did here.

"Urgh you are so going to be Charlie's favourite. I don't think you've ever smiled as sappily about anything apart from a dragon."

I blinked my eyes a few times, not realising I'd closed them and I actually managed a smile at Ginny's pout.

"They're living, breathing magic Ginny, what's not to love?"

I got an eye roll for that before she grabbed hold of my arm and with a crack, she apparated us to The Burrow.

I managed to navigate Friday afternoon fairly successfully all in all. I spent most of my time on my own getting rid of the garden gnomes not just from the garden but the surrounding fields too as much as I could so as to clear the way for the number of tents that were going to have to be put up for the guests. I quietly set about my task while trying to stifle the anxiety I could feel building about guests arriving. That means I was going to have to do some form of socialising. As someone paired with one of the brothers of Charlie I didn't think I'd be able to hide.

I'd made a point too of trying to apologise to Charlie and Alina for my behaviour but they'd just waved my concerns away. Worse, Charlie had even tried to apologise to me which I found absolutely baffling. Gruff was still busy about the place, sorting the stage area but generally sending hurt looks in my direction that I wasn't going near him or anything to do with music. Whilst I was determined that he could pout all he wanted, a part of me was starting to feel a bit unsure.

Gruff has been so unwell when he'd disappeared, and while he clearly seemed to be a lot better now, what if coming back and seeing me brought all the old feelings back and he got unwell again? And I mean, I'd offloaded a hell of a lot on to him in our interactions this week too. I bit my lip. Damn him, why was I having to feel guilty because of something that was his doing? It didn't stop me from worrying though.

Really my day had been almost good up until we all were sat down for the evening meal. George was about two seats up on the opposite end of the table and I'd pretended to be too busy to say hello to him as I helped set the table although we shared a strained smile now, as I twisted my hands in my lap. As much as I'd felt a massive surge of adrenaline at seeing him I'd at least been a bit relieved that he and Fred seemed to be on good terms again. That was something at least.

Gruff had plonked himself right by me, while Audrey had sat herself opposite and was making no pretence of trying to eat as she out and out glared at him. I cast a worried look at Percy but he just shook his head at me.

All in all it was a rather strained dinner at my end of the table but I was managing it just about. I figured I needed to show my face for one more hour before I could make my escape back home. Gruff excused himself as the table was being cleared to make way for dessert and I frowned after his retreating back although I got distracted by an angry snort from Audrey.

"What?"

I regretted my question as soon as I saw her chest puff out as she drew in a deep breath. While her dislike of Gruff had been palpable throughout the meal, I hadn't quite expected such an outpouring of loathing.

"He's a waster Non, a complete user, how he's treated you is appalling, I can't wait for him to leave and – why are you glaring at me?"

I hadn't meant to glare but as she'd carried on I'd felt my annoyance grow. I knew every negative thing there was to know about Gruff but I knew a whole world of positives too. More, I knew how he'd been before he left, hell I almost understood now why he had, and even though she was voicing a lot of my own thoughts that ultimately was the point. They were my thoughts, she wasn't qualified to be casting such a judgement.

"Just leave him alone Audrey."

"Are you-are you defending him Non? Because that is just-"

"Leave it Audrey."

Percy's quiet murmur still reached me and I jumped slightly as Audrey slammed down her glass and stormed away from the table to the house. Percy grimaced before hurrying after her. What the hell? My bafflement soon turned to concern though as I heard a group of voices getting closer and as Gruff made a reappearance I think my heart actually stopped when I saw who was with him.

Walking just a pace behind him was a smaller slightly scrawny man, his head shaved and tattoos covering nearly all of his visible skin save for his face, even on his fingers. Next to him was an almost overgrown Viking of a man, complete with a braid in his blonde hair and a simply ginormous beard. They may have respectively gained more tattoos and hair since last I'd seen them but it was undoubtedly Tomos and Macsen. I glanced at Ginny to see her eyebrows attempting to disappear into her hairline. I was stunned.

Just, what, I mean, what? How did they still now Gruff? Did that mean…had they been with him all this time? Known he was alive all this time, and not come and told me? I felt a sting of hurt at that. I'd almost reconciled myself over the years where there'd been no sign of them that they'd viewed me as nothing other than a mild annoyance to put up with but not tell me something as important as that? I didn't know what to think.

As they got closer I fidgeted in my seat. Merlin how was I supposed to act? Before I'd have flung myself delightedly at Macsen and probably punched Tomos in the arm but this wasn't before, so much time had passed I just wasn't sure what to do. I felt horribly, horribly awkward.

["NON BACH!"]

Wow okay, I'd forgotten how loud Macsen could be.

He was beaming at me expectantly, arms slightly outstretched but I didn't budge from my seat. I could feel panic starting to course through me. Shit, shit, what was I supposed to say? I desperately searched for some words.

"Oh hi Macsen, how are you?"

Urgh that was so, that wasn't right, and I could see his face twist in confusion.

["What's this Non, no Welsh? Come here and give me a hug, I've missed you!"]

I had to fight to keep my face frown free at his words but as I didn't want to risk any more awkward pauses I got up and slowly walked to him and attempted to smile. I let out a small squeak of surprise as he scooped me up into a bear hug and spun me around before catching my legs up to hold me as if I were a small child. I huffed slightly and tried to move an armful of beard out of my face. He was smiling widely much like he'd always done and I felt confusion settle over me. I mean he was acting like he still liked me, and to be fair Macs was normally so straightforward and simple, deception wasn't really something he practiced.

["It's nice to see you Macs."]

Maybe for now I should just play along until I could suss out exactly what was going on. I tried to peer around him to catch sight of Tomos. I'd have to greet him with a swearword, that was always pretty standard for the two of us, but I saw he'd already made it half way up the table to harangue Charlie about something, with the amount of 'fucks' that were appearing at pretty much every other word.

I couldn't even bring myself to glance at Gruff as I tried to extricate myself from Macsen's hold as we reached the table as I was fighting off another bloom of hurt. Gruff had just announced that Tomos and Macsen made up the rest of the music group that would be playing at the wedding. So they'd all just carried out being in a band and playing without me. Carried on like nothing had changed but left me all the fuck alone. How nice.

I nodded at all the right places as Macsen pretty much talked at me. It turned out he'd set up a little tattoo shop on the reservation in Romania, he'd gotten married and he had two kids. I wondered about that despite my hurt. He'd always been so absentminded and lax about safety I badly wanted to ask how he actually managed to cope with kids, but it was like all my words had dried up.

By the time Mrs Weasley arrived back with the trays of dessert bowls hovering behind her the table was full of laud chatter and laughter as Gruff, Macsen and Tomos had taken the opportunity to start telling everyone embarrassing tales from when Charlie and Alina first started dating. I was able to just sit quietly as I tried to calm my thoughts. I glanced nervously around the table only to find that George was looking at me and I stilled but all he did was send me a small smile and nod of his head before he turned to start talking to Fred, and I slowly let out a breath. Okay that, that wasn't so bad, I could cope with that level of interaction.

I slowly reached for my spoon but my hand stilled when I finally clocked what was in the dessert bowl. It was ice cream. Oh God.

I inhaled slowly through my nose as I set about readying myself to eat it as quickly as possible without giving myself brain freeze, and I scooped up a spoonful.

"What the fuck are you doing? You hate ice cream."

I shot a startled look at Tomos who was staring at me with his normal typical half sneer. I'd never met anyone else who loved to be quite so permanently antagonistic. I scrambled for an answer.

"Hey Mrs Weasley have you got anything else? Non doesn't like ice cream."

I gaped at him, appalled. He was always so, so fucking rude!

"It's fine Molly!" I called out as quickly as I could. "I don't mind it, it's fine."

"She hates it, always has."

I had to direct my glare at Gruff now but he just frowned at me.

"It. Is. Fine."

I managed to grind the words out and to back up my point I shovelled the ice cream into my mouth and even amazed myself by managing not to grimace as I ate it. Mrs Weasley was looking torn between confused and upset and Merlin that was the last thing I needed. Only problem was that now my mouth was full Tomos took full advantage.

"Fucking hell Non, what's happened to you? Putting up with something just to be polite. You used to be fucking better than that, shit you even got detention from Binns of all fucking things because you didn't want to put up with a shit fucking history syllabus."

I flushed as I felt attention focus on me, but also that Tomos had even recalled that. He'd always liked to act that I was someone he had to put up with I never thought he actually paid attention to what went on.

"You- you got detention Non dear?"

I had to hide a wince. Sure she'd said 'dear' but Mrs Weasley's tone was decidedly cool.

"Um." I ducked my head slightly as I tried to fight my blush. "Not very often. And not for anything bad. I only suggested,"I shot Tomos a glare as I spoke, "to Professor Binns that we cover other topics."

Gruffudd let out a snort of laughter.

"Suggested! You drafted up a whole new syllabus and effectively rubbished his work. Politely of course."

The last bit he'd directed at Mrs Weasley, as though that would help.

"What would you have preferred be covered Non?"

I shot a suspicious glance at Bill. While he seemed genuinely interested I couldn't be sure.

"I-I just thought we should cover more modern history like the rise of Grindelwald and You Know Who from the first time. Learn how they were able to gain power. I d-don't think just learning about older history like the Goblin wars is good if we ignore the more recent stuff. If we d-don't learn about recent mistakes we can't learn from them."

And it allows the same things to happen over and over again. Which it had, although that hadn't been my concern at the time.

"Oh fuck off trying to sound smart Non you just wanted to learn about historical hotties, isn't that what you called it?"

"Piss off Tomos that was Chloe not me!"

"Don't fucking lie you had a whole section on it. The one about the Scottish witch was the best, the one that murdered people with her breasts."

My jaw dropped.

"How the fuck did you remember that?"

"Wait, wait, wait, historical hotties? Murdered people with her breasts? Non, I think I speak for the table when I say please elaborate."

I was really quite alarmed by the delighted look on Fred's face. I automatically glanced at Hermione's face for support but she was gazing at me like I was a stranger and I looked quickly away.

"Look she, she didn't really murder them with her breasts," my face felt like it was on fire, "she just… she was Ellen McGuire and in the 1830s she killed a total of five wizards by luring them to her room above a tavern where she poisoned them. It just so happened the poison was dusted on her breasts. All her victims were rapists."

I shrugged before I frowned.

"Alleged rapists actually but that was the point. She basically took the law into her own hands."

"But why would you want to learn about her?"

Hermione sounded really quite bemused.

"Because it's interesting. Binns always made history of magic so boring. You could have used examples like her to analyse the changes in magical law over the centuries."

"Non, that's brilliant. I had no idea you'd approached Binns about it."

I ducked my head at Ginny's words, Merlin I didn't like compliments and they were all just bloody looking at me.

"That's what I told her. You got what – a month's detention for that? I've still got your letter where you're raging about it."

Gruff chuckled to himself as he finished off his ice cream. I shrugged again, trying to ignore a weird thrill of what I thought might be happiness at his words, before deciding to attempt another mouthful of my own, anything to get attention away from me only to see that Macsen had snaffled my bowl as seconds. I risked a glance at his face only to see him wink as he carried on eating and I smiled despite myself.

I hunkered down then and was pleased everyone else just carried on chatting while I tried to get back to grips with the adrenaline that was swirling around inside me. It was so awkward and difficult and Merlin the fear when I could feel people focus on me…I knew it was a bit stupid but it didn't stop my body reacting. At least I'd hardly stuttered which I supposed was a positive.

"Oi, cow bag, we're off to rehearse c'mon."

I blinked my eyes back into focus to see Tomos stood next to Gruff and staring expectantly and he sighed with impatience when I took too long to respond.

"I don't fucking care if you don't sing anymore you still play right?"

He crossed his arms and glared and I had to fight a sigh of my own. I'd forgotten how grumpy, moody and downright precious he could be. I cast a nervous glance at the end of the table but Mr Weasley wasn't there thankfully given I'd lied to him about playing instruments.

"I don't really play any more Tomos, you'd be better off practicing without me."

"Fuck, you're shitting me right? You don't sing, you don't play, fuck why not just piss on your mam's grave while you're at it."

I flinched at his words but before I could react further he'd stormed off after looking at me like he was hurt. Gruffudd snapped out his name before heading off after him.

["Don't mind him lovely. You know he doesn't handle disappointment well."]

I shook my head to try and clear it from Tomos' words about my mam bouncing around inside and glanced at Macsen.

["But why would he be disappointed?"]

["Believe it or not Non we have missed you. You always made rehearsals more fun you know."]

I bit my lip to stop myself from blurting out an answer. They can't have bloody missed me that much if they hadn't contacted me.

["Anyway Non I've saved a job for you if you do not mind."] Macsen bent his head down closer to wink, ["Braid my beard?"]

I felt a smile tug at the side of my mouth before it grew into a true one and I nodded. I was still uncertain about a whole lot of things but I had loved braiding his beard when I was younger. There was just something about separating it into sections and braiding different threads or beads into it if he let me. I suppose it was because it was methodical, and there was a whole lot more of beard to be working with now.

["It's grown so long Macs. It's amazing."]

["I've not cut it in ten years now."]

I giggled slightly at how proud he was and we quickly cleared a space before he set out his beard grooming kit and I got to work. To begin with he just carried on chatting away at me, filling me in on an awful lot about Gruffudd that I'd been too stubborn to ask about myself and it was like little pieces clicking together. When I got nearer his mouth though he had to stop talking and that was when my thoughts started to take over.

I couldn't help replaying Tomos' words. Was I pissing on my mam's grave by not playing? She'd spent so much time teaching me, perhaps I was. It just…it just hurt so much, that it was easier to not do it. To just not deal with it. Added to that that music nearly always made me want to sing and the bitterness I felt about not being allowed to do that ate away at me far too much for me to allow it to get a foothold. So you know, the music had to go. That was sensible surely. But was I letting her down, letting her memory down?

A drop of water splashed onto Macsen's beard and I stared between it and the sky in confusion. What on earth? It couldn't possibly be rain, the sky was clear. I turned my confusion to Macsen only to freeze in shock. He was…he was crying.

["Macs lovely, what's wrong?"]

He was quiet for a very long moment before he finally spoke, his voice thick with emotion.

["You're so sad Non. I'm so sorry."]

I'd actually for the most part been feeling quite content when braiding his beard, apart from the thoughts of my mam obviously and I frowned.

["We should have tried harder to find you Non. We should have…"]

His words seemed to disappear as my mind reeled. Tried to find me? Had they? Did he mean Gruff in that too?

Macsen moving away from me suddenly to stand and go striding off clicked me back into focus.

["Macs what are you doing? I hadn't finished your beard!"]

There was something off about the set of his shoulders and as my observational skills started to slowly click back into gear I finally realised what it was. They were tense with anger and, oh dear Merlin his hands were bunched into fists. He was angry. I scrambled from my seat and raced after him, checking for my wand. I rounded a couple of rose bushes to bring me into a clearing with some tents just in time to see Macsen send Gruff flying with a punch and I shrieked.

["STOP! Stop, what the fuck are you doing?"]

I desperately sent some blocking jinxes to prevent his other blows form landing. Macsen was close to six and a half feet and he was strong. He could cause serious harm with just one of his punches. What was worse was that Gruff was already sporting a cut eyebrow and from the way I could now see Tomos cradling his left hand they'd both clearly had a fight too. Thank Merlin they weren't using their wands.

I finally managed to erect a shield between Macsen and Gruff and I stood between them trying to catch my breath.

["Macsen please, don't hurt him."]

"Hey how about speaking fucking English here so we can all understand."

Great Tomos was in one of those moods and I cast him an irritated glance before sighing.

"I was only asking him not to hurt him Tomos, don't be so fucking touchy."

"Fucking hell, fucking hell. I bloody told you Macs. The daft bitch will never not forgive him. Non let me spell it out for you. He. Treated. You. Like. Shit. A beating from Macs is the least he deserves."

"He wasn't, he wasn't well Tomos."

I murmured the words quietly as I didn't want to alarm Gruff but as I glanced over my shoulder I could see he was shaking his head lightly and looking mildly dazed, so I suppose I needn't have worried.

"How can you even begin to defend him?" Tomos howled with such disbelief that I flinched.

"It's called empathy Tomos. Just because youaren't capable of it doesn't mean others aren't. I get why he left. I don't…I don't understand why he didn't come back or send word, I doubt I ever will but you don't get to fucking hurt him. He hurt me not you. And anyway you all have to play at a wedding on Sunday, don't spoil things for Charlie and Alina."

"Oh no you don't, don't fucking try and twist things around here. He deserves a good kicking doesn't he Macs?"

"Non cariad, Tomos is right. What Gruff did wasn't right. We told him enough times."

Macsen I could see had managed to calm himself and I took the opportunity to lower the shield and check on Gruff. A quick couple of taps cleaned up his eyebrow and chin but he'd need some sort of clearing potion to stave off a probable concussion.

"Fucking out with it Non, what the hell hold has he got on you that you can even begin to forgive him?"

I felt a shiver run over me at the thought that crossed my mind.

He's alive.

And really I think it was as simple as that.

I'm not alone.

I'd thought so many times, normally after I'd visited my parents' grave, that I felt that the foundations that I'd built my life on had been taken form me. Gruff had been one of those but when I lost him I'd still had the two strongest pillars to balance on. When I'd lost my parents…it was like being in free fall where you'd occasionally manage to catch a hold onto something but it was almost like clinging to a vertical cliff face. Everything was harder, everything was a struggle, and you were always just one missed handhold from falling. But now…

I had something. Something solid from my past, that whilst being exceptionally unreliable it was still a prop. It was the mere fact of knowing that there was someone out there that I had a link with that resonated with me. Instead of a cliff, it was now the slope of an exceptionally steep mountain. Still hard, but by Merlin not as hard as before. I blinked slowly, it was like coming out of a fog.

"He's alive."

"What, that's it? The great wondrous thing is that despite letting you think he was dead he is in fact, not?"

I flinched at Tomos' tone as I hauled Gruff to his feet.

"Look why the fuck do you even care anyway? I know you only ever found me annoying."

I flinched again at the hurt that seemed to flicker on his face before I shook my head and let Gruff back towards the barn area.

"Non bach that's not fair. We looked for you."

My shoulders stiffened at Macsen's words that followed me but I ignored them until I'd sat Gruff at the table and rummaged through my bag for a potion for him before I finally snapped.

"What do you mean, you looked for me?"

Tomos and Macsen were stood by the table and they shared a look before Tomos finally broke their silence with a sneer.

"My mother still lives Aber way you know so we went back for a visit a couple years ago. Popped over to see old Mr Jones to ask after you. Said you were at a cottage but we never found it and the nasty old bugger just laughed when we told him and wouldn't tell us any more."

I felt a heavy lump settle in my stomach. It was something like shame, mixed with guilt, mixed with anguish. It was horrible.

"Oh. I-I have really strong wards up."

So no danger can find me.

I never even thought that it would keep away those I'd like to see.

"We'd wanted to see if you were alright cariad. Gruff was adamant that you were, told us all about you being an auror but we wanted to check for ourselves."

I frowned heavily at that. That didn't make sense, not if it was a couple of years ago because Charlie couldn't possibly have told them back then.

"How did you know I was an auror?"

I glanced at Gruff whose eyes were now bright and clear after taking the potion I'd handed him.

"You were never going to be anything else Non."

He shrugged after, like it was the most obvious answer in the world. I stared at him feeling momentarily dumbstruck. No one, no one else ever even remotely thought that I would be an auror.

He knows me.

I launched myself forward to hug him fiercely as I tried to battle with the swirl of happiness and bitterness that was churning inside me but for once the happiness seemed to win and I laughed as he hugged me back.

"Oh for fuck's sake, she's a lost cause Macs, let's leave them to it."

We must have hugged for a long moment because when I stepped back and Gruff stood up, Macsen and Tomos were nowhere to be seen.

["Go for a walk with me?"]

I cast a quick look around but it seemed everyone else had retreated to the house and I bit my lip, a brief flicker of indecision about maybe needing to talk to George passed over me before I shrugged it off and nodded my head.

We walked in silence for quite a long time, just out over the fields at the back of the Weasley's property before Gruff found an old fallen down tree for us to sit on.

["C'mon out with it Non, what's in your head?"]

I bit my lip as I tried to find the words.

["I've worked so hard to keep myself safe that I've blocked everyone out. If I'd had even slightly less strong wards they'd have found me and Gruff…we'd have met again two years ago."]

I felt such a large wave of regret hit me that my eyes filled with tears and I rubbed at my face in annoyance.

["If I'd not been such a coward Non I'd have found you years ago, don't you dare blame yourself. Look I genuinely thought you would be better off without me. I was a down and out drunk, an absolute waster and it took me a long time to sort myself out."]

["I just don't get why you could ever think I'd be better off without you."]

I was genuinely baffled by it. Just how messed up had his thinking got that it had led him to that conclusion?

["Tell me, do you reckon how you're feeling now about my actions, is how your George felt when you told him you never thought he could like you?"]

["He's not- he's not my George."] I spluttered with embarrassment and was exceptionally glad it was dark so my blush wasn't visible. I didn't know how to take his words either. Did George think that my thinking was messed up? Was he just as baffled as me?

["Non if you can't bring yourself to like yourself, you're always going to struggle with letting anyone else do so. Trust me, I'm pretty much an expert on this."]

Do you hate yourself that much?

I felt a shiver pass over me as George's words replayed themselves in my head.

["I've got a good reason not to like myself Gruff."]

["I used to think exactly that, and look where it got me."]

I grunted an acknowledgement of his words but it still didn't change the fact that George was far too good for me. I tried about three times unsuccessfully to speak and explain myself but failed miserably.

["You're repressed Non."]

I spluttered in indignation at his words. How the fuck would he know when he hadn't even been here?

["Hear me out. When was the last time you actually spoke in Welsh Non before I turned up? Can you even remember?"]

I shook my head. I really couldn't. Probably with Mr Jones on the rare times that I saw him.

["It's your first language Non whether you realise it or not you're having to change how you'd normally think just to communicate in English, so you've got that for starters. Secondly, you don't sing and I know that's not your fault and must be so shit, but it's an outlet you used to have and now you don't. And most importantly at all you've stopped playing music. Non that was always your way of best expressing yourself. Whether you were sad, happy or angry you always had music to match it. Lovely if you've got none of those, how on earth are you even managing to work through your feelings? To express yourself? All I've seen since I got here is you accommodating everyone else even if it's something you don't like. It's not healthy. "]

I was absolutely floored by his words. I didn't…I didn't even know how to begin to respond and he sighed.

["Look let's just go back, Tomos should have calmed down by now but …think on my words? Please?"]

I nodded silently as I slowly stood and I let him talk at me all the way back to the tent.

The rest of Friday evening I sat contentedly listen to the three of them set about tuning their instruments or testing the set up on stage even though I knew they'd go through it all again at least twice on Saturday and again on the morning of the wedding. Tomos had indeed calmed down and I showed him my appreciation of his thoughtfulness in actually trying to find me by smashing a cup cake into his face, as I knew he'd have hated an out an out thanks. I knew he'd understood by the smirk he sent my way. I finally managed to finish braiding Macsen's beard too and he quite sensibly placed a charm on it to stop it from coming undone before the wedding.

I hadn't intended on sleeping in Gruff's tent again but as the night dragged on and their stories continued I couldn't bring myself to drag myself away. It was so nice just to be able to switch off and to listen, and to laugh along with their stories. Most of their humour I still understood but there were moments where they rattled off in jokes and I'd feel the sharp barb of loss that they'd moved on without me, but those moments were brief and passed quickly enough.

To my amazement I again didn't have a nightmare which was a good thing really as Saturday was all go. I thankfully didn't have to deal with the worry of George for most of the day as he still had the shop to run but I was kept more than busy with the final preparations for guests arriving, the food preparations and just out and out fooling around with Gruff, Tomos and Macsen. If I tried hard enough I could pretend that I was fifteen again. I knew I still had a lot to process when it came to Gruff but just like I had when I'd arrived back from Azkaban I was pushing it to one side. Just for once I wanted to just enjoy myself without the worry, as I knew that would start up soon enough when the guests arrived.

It was after lunch that Ron made an appearance. He'd apparently been holed up in his room and I felt a smidge guilty that I hadn't thought to ask or check but he waved aside my words.

"Non bloody hell think of the week you've had. It's fine. I've been working through stuff so don't think on it until Monday. There is however one thing you have to do today."

I bounced on my feet impatiently as he rifled through his bag. God if he was going to get me to fill out paperwork or some boring thing for him I was going to be so annoyed. My burgeoning annoyance however disappeared when I saw what was in his hands and I gasped happily.

"Training!"

Ron rolled his eyes at how happy I sounded and held up a warning finger before he handed me two small purple boxes.

"Only in the paddock out the back and no where else do you hear me. I had to get special permissions to take these from the office. Oh and here's your training kit."

"Why Ron Weasley have you been in my locker."

I got another eye roll and a grunt this time at my teasing before I gently took everything from him and hurried up to the house to change. God it felt like so long since I'd trained properly seeing as I'd had to pretend to be bloody Nina for weeks. After changing as quickly as I could I hurried down to the paddock, hardly able to contain my excitement. Merlin I couldn't wait, this was just what I needed, I'd already been super fidgety that morning and been told off by Mr Weasley for doing a back flip off the stage. That memory still rankled a bit as the guys had all sniggered at the look of outrage that must have been on my face, but honestly outside of work I couldn't remember the last time I'd been properly told off. It was a very strange experience.

I carefully set the smaller cube on the floor first and tapped it with my wand and beamed as I saw the assault course swell up and bloom out across the floor. It wasn't your typical action one, this one was primarily focused on balancing. I didn't get to do it often because Beckett couldn't stand that I was already so good at it and I paused for a moment. Was that why Ron had brought it? Because he knew I was good at it and it would make me feel better? I wondered at that for a long moment before I shook my head.

I would only have about an hour to complete it. It wasn't a long course at all, the whole point of this one was that you had to control every single movement and that meant you had to move slowly. Any sudden jerks of overbalancing then the course was triggered with stinging jinxes and those were far too painful to want to be hit with frequently. I set about doing some stretches first before I stepped lightly onto the opening platform and began.

One of the most important things about keeping your balance was your breathing and I first set about falling into a steady rhythm before I finally started to move. It was a challenging course and the problem with moving so slowly was you had to hold positions for long moments and that caused muscle fatigue to set in quickly. The big positive though was that at all times I was in complete control of every single part of my body and I loved it. To have such expert control over your limbs, to be able control precisely when and where I moved, to truly feel myself being in control. After the week I'd had this was the perfect remedy. It was the reminder I'd needed; I could control myself now. There would be, as much as I hated it, always outside forces that I couldn't but for everything that was me myself directly? I controlled every aspect of it. And I needed to know that.

When I finally finished I'd managed to get through it with only two stinging jinxes having hit me and I wiped at my sweaty forehead in relief. That had gone really, really well. I summoned my drink to me and took a few moments just to stretch out my muscles again before I set out the next cube. This was a balancing task again but it was the one I had described to George. As soon as I opened it three of our duelling dummies would spring into action and I had to dodge every single jinx, hex or curse that came my way without tripping or retaliating with my own magic. It was not easy and getting hit with one of the spells was never a pleasant experience.

I had never been so relieved for an hour to be up as I collapsed to the floor gasping for breath. That was exhausting. Fun too though, and I giggled to myself. Training for the most part had always been one of my favourite parts of work especially when it was solo training. I lay on the ground until my breathing evened out before I hauled myself to my feet and carefully collected up both cubes to deliver back to Ron. It was with some astonishment I realised that I had a smile on my face. God this was the happiest I'd felt since…

….dancing with George at Susan's wedding.

My smile flickered. Even then I'd still been massively anxious so this was a better happiness. It was a contentedness I'd not felt for a good long while and I nearly skipped back to the garden. I was also feeling another thing that I hadn't felt properly for weeks. I was starving.

To my complete bafflement Ron had a plate of food ready for me.

"How did you even know…?"

I was greeted with a snort of a laugh.

"Don't worry I've not magically become all sympathetic. Luna figured you'd need something."

I gazed around for her somewhat guiltily. I was aware I'd been neglecting her lately and she deserved so much better when she was always so thoughtful.

"Where is she anyway?"

"Oh she's roped Macs into helping her hunt for something. Apparently he said he'd be very good at protecting her. Mentioned he'd fought off a bull once?"

I snorted so hard I swear to Merlin food almost came out of my nose, and when I'd finally managed to swallow I cackled so hard I think I startled Ron.

"He did not-" I gasped for breath, "he did not fight off a bull."

I was near crying with laughter at the memory. It had been on the way back from one of their gigs and we'd had to pull the van over as Macs needed a piss. He climbed into a field with a bull though, and whilst he clearly swore to the day he'd fought it off what he never seemed to remember was that I'd had to use Gruff's wand to charm the bull into running in the opposite direction. I mean it was amazing he remembered any of it at all given how drunk they'd been but he had always claimed he'd won. He had clearly blocked out the part where he'd been running away screaming.

After I'd eaten I headed inside to shower and change my clothes. I had considered going home to do it but seeing as we'd need all hands on deck when people arrived I figured it made more sense to stay.

My happy adrenaline started to wear off in the shower and my nerves started to pick up again. I wasn't good at meeting new people and whilst I felt more myself today than I had done in days I still wasn't brilliant. I think a part of me knew that I was putting off some important stuff but I was determined the weekend would be good for Charlie and Alina and again I was finding if I focused on that it made things easier.

My new found resolve however faltered quite badly when I exited the bathroom and found myself face to face with George. The urge to back peddle and close the door on him was almost overwhelming.

"Hi."

"Um…hello. How-how was work?"

I nearly winced at how formal I sounded.

"Yeah it was good. Busy. Glad I can start to get things ready for Charlie's wedding."

There was a small flicker of mischief across his face as he pulled at the collar of his jumper as though it was uncomfortable.

"Oh right, you two planned something?"

A grin managed to make an appearance but he didn't say anything, only winked, before he sighed.

"Look Non can I-may I ask you something?"

My fingers curled up into my palms as I had to fight playing with the ends of my sleeves and I nodded nervously.

"Give me a day?"

I blinked.

"Huh?"

"I know I shouldn't ask but it's been so hard to watch and leave others to help you feel better but please, can you give me a day? Tomorrow? I-I've missed talking to you."

I felt a swirl of guilt hit me in my stomach. I'd hardly missed George at all, if anything I'd been relieved I had so many other things to distract me. And besides I was enjoying spending time with Gruff, Macs and Tomos even with the associated problems that came with them. I bit my lip as I struggled how to tell him no.

"Please?"

I shouldn't have looked at his face. He was somehow managing to look both mournful and hopeful at the same time and as guilt hit me again I couldn't help but feel that I'd treated him badly. First about not being honest with him about the friends/more than friends part, and now that I had been so happy to actively avoid him. I could feel myself hesitating.

"It would really mean a lot to me Non."

I was doomed. I always had been a sucker of trying to make others happy but now with George's fucking puppy dog eyes looking at me, I could hardly say no.

"A-alright."

I swallowed heavily and nearly took a step back at the smile that appeared on his face. Well shit, was this not just leading him on a bit?

"Just a day."

I blurted out the words to try and curb what looked like enthusiasm spreading across his face and he nodded.

"I understand."

He'd been staring at his feet as he said it but he looked up then and sent one of those funny smiles at me again and I felt like I'd been punched in the chest. He had seemed convinced when we argued that it wasn't anxiety I felt around him but as the adrenaline coursed around my body and my stomach churned, I didn't see how it could possibly be anything else. I managed a nervous smile though before rambling an excuse about needing to help Gruff as I hurried away.

The rest of my Saturday wasn't anywhere near as good. I now had the constant nagging worry of having to spend the wedding day with George, as well as preparing myself for the influx of guests who would be starting to arrive. They were coming over the evening before as so many were travelling from Romania and it was easier for them to recover from the journey for a night before the wedding.

Rather luckily for me, Tomos had been all but banished to the stage so he wouldn't risk offending the guests that didn't know him given his track record of foul language and a distinct lack of tact, so I took it upon myself to chaperone him. I was actually quite pleased with how the evening went as it meant I could keep a distance from most everyone but still effectively show my face and pretend to be socialising. It also gave me time to try and settle my nerves. It was just so incredibly frustrating that while I knew I could face dangers and cope with them the thought of socialising and attending a wedding with George was again sending me all off kilter. I just could never understand why my body was convinced that it would be something I had to be anxious about. Merlin I hated it, even when I'd managed half a good day my anxiety had come back to pull me back down.

I managed to escape to my own cottage that night but I slept terribly. First because I was worrying about how to act around George and then, somewhere during the night I realised that I hadn't sorted out any dress robes to wear. I'd had to get up then and then to check, and I'd worn my only suitable ones to Susan's wedding and I hadn't had a chance to clean them properly.

My anxiety ate at me that night, there was no other way I could describe it. It was like it was physically consuming me from the inside and even when I tried to calm myself by telling myself I could ask Ginny to borrow something it didn't stop my mind convincing me I'd have nothing to wear.

In a weird way this was a familiar worry and it almost made me feel like I was back to normal. On the other hand it was a horrible, draining and an irrational worry and one I hated getting. It was like I could never win.

I managed to hold out until about half eight in the morning before I apparated directly to The Burrow, only to be horrified that Ginny wasn't there.

"But what is it Non, can I help?"

Fleur was looking disgustingly radiant given how early it was in the morning and I hesitated. Merlin this was so embarrassing.

"Oh it's just stupid. I-I was going to ask her if I could borrow some dress robes."

I ended on a mumble, this was honestly just so mortifying.

"Oh but I have some you can borrow! Quick come with me I shall take you to mine, let me just tell Molly first."

Before I could muster up any protestations Fleur had me by the hand and was marching me out of The Burrow before she took me by side along apparition to her house which I knew to be called Shell Cottage.

"Welcome to our home Non, come in! Bill should be downstairs with Victoire, I shall just go and see where I have put the dress robe I am thinking of. I know just the one that will suit."

I was all but bundled into the house as Fleur hurried off upstairs and I hesitantly followed the noises downstairs until I found myself in the living room only to slap a hand over my mouth at the involuntary snigger of laughter that left me.

Bill was with Victoire all right. It seemed Victoire had decided to be a hair dresser this morning and the number of wonky pigtails Bill Weasley's long hair had been awkwardly scooped into was quite something.

A noise of startled alarm left him but given he was at his daughter's mercy he couldn't currently move and I saw him close his eyes with a sigh before he snapped them open and pointed a warning finger at me.

"Don't you dare tell my siblings."

I sniggered again behind my hand. I don't think I would ever find Bill properly intimidating again not when I could summon up this mental picture.

"I will do my best not to."

"But you won't promise."

The dry resignation in his voice had me grinning, even as I agreed with him. Just then I heard Fleur call out to me and with a small smirk at Bill I hurried to follow her voice.

She was in what had to be the guest bedroom upstairs and she had in her arms deep green dress robes.

"Aha here you go. I bought them as I liked the style but forgot, this colour does not suit me."

I gaped at her in disbelief.

"Fleur I think every colour would suite you."

"Ah non!"

I blinked for a moment wondering whether she'd said my name or just no, although either way I guess I understood her protestation.

"Here try it on, I shall help you change."

I wondered if it was a French thing or just a Fleur thing that she seemed to have no qualms at all with practically helping my undress and slip into the dress robes, but I was slightly mortified.

"Oh honestly do not be so embarrassed Non, sometimes you English are so funny about things."

I couldn't help the scowl that appeared on my face as I clutched the dress robe to me as it was gaping at the front.

"I'm not English, Fleur."

"Of course not, I am sorry. It was so nice to hear you speaking Welsh Non, to speak your own language. You seemed, what is the word, much more free? More yourself? And it sounds such an expressive language! I like it very much."

I didn't know whether it was because Fleur was part Veela, or because she spoke so quickly, or something that was simply her but even as she was speaking she was making adjustments with her wand to the dress robes and I mean it was…well shit it really was proper magic. How she made the changes so perfectly. Her charm work was exquisite.

When she stepped back the robes fit much better and I smiled tentatively.

"Are you sure Fleur? I feel so bad you've had to change them."

"Oh hush I never wore them they were just being wasted. Now you sit here and I will do your hair and make-up."

I felt a surge of alarm but she just laughed at the panic that must have been showing on my face.

"You must allow me this Non. I used to make up my sister Gabrielle all of the time but now we live so far away I do not get to do it. Please?"

"I-I don't. I don't tend to wear makeup Fleur and I've never managed to get any charms to work with my hair."

Mainly because I was so bad at them but that wasn't the point. I didn't like feeling made up. I liked being able to hide behind my hair. I didn't know if I wanted that to change. Fleur glanced at me seriously for a moment.

"Non tell me, do you think you are pretty?"

I didn't like her question and I had to resist the urge to cross my arms to wrap around my middle.

"I don't think I'm ugly."

I knew that I wasn't. That wasn't my issue.

"Ah but that is not what I asked."

I frowned even as I tapped out a nervous rhythm with my thumb against my finger and tried hard not to chew on my lip. I knew the answer to that but I was too ashamed to voice it, so I just shook my head.

"Come sit here and listen to me. She had sat herself daintily on the edge of the bed and I perched nervously near her.

"Looks do not make a person Non. Beauty or prettiness or anything like that it is not on your outside. And I know what you must think, oh it is easy for me to say no? But that is not true. I am part Veela. I have been judged on my "looks" my whole life and no one, not one saw me until Bill. They saw the Veela magic, not my own beauty. It took me a long time to learn that I was pretty for being me, Fleur, than pretty for being part Veela. And it is the same with you Non. You must learn that you are pretty as you."

This was all getting a bit close to what Gruff had been saying to me, about learning to like myself and I shifted nervously, my fingers outright twisting together now and I ducked my head. I didn't see how I could ever be seen as pretty from the inside, not after all I had seen and done.

"I-I don't see it, Fleur."

It took a lot for me to admit that to her and she smiled softly before she squeezed my hands to stop me twisting them in my lap.

"Then you must let others show you it no? You must believe them when they speak to you truly."

She didn't seem to mind that I didn't have a reply to that and she quietly set about charming my hair and makeup. She was amazingly quick at it for which I was grateful and I was even happier when she led me to a mirror.

"You've hardly done anything!"

"You do not need it. Most people do not, make up should not be used to change how you look but to-to, ah what is the word? Just make better what is already there?"

"Oh I know that one it's, oh damn I can't remember it, it's…"

I trailed off as I thought furiously. I knew it began with an e, but what was it?

"Accentuate?"

"Ah yes Bill that is it, thank you my love."

Or you know, begins with an a but whatever. Merlin I sucked at spelling. And words. I smiled sheepishly at Bill who had appeared in the doorway, his hair now devoid of any pigtails.

"You look very nice Non."

I flushed.

"Oh right yeah, I'm a bit ready stupidly early I suppose but…" I trailed off desperately wanting to duck my head but I could practically feel Fleur's eyes boring into me. "Er, thank you?"

"Well, that is a start."

Fleur smiled at me before asking me to wait downstairs while she too got changed. Charlie and Alina were actually getting married just before midday. Apparently her family wanted to make the most of a big get together and party so it made sense to get the boring vow part out of the way first. I snorted to myself at that thought. Merlin only I could be thinking on the day of a wedding that the actual wedding part was the boring bit to get out of the way. It was the most important part of the whole day!

Bill and Victoire managed to distract me from my residual nerves and also stop me pondering too much on Fleur's words which I was thankful for. There was also just something so nice and calm about them and I liked that.

Before too long Fleur was back downstairs and looking positively radiant, so much so that Bill looked slightly dazed and I wondered at that. They'd been together so long now, had he still not gotten used to it?

By the time Fleur and I made it back to The Burrow it had gotten a lot busier and when it seemed obvious that there were too many people all trying to help out in a small space I decided to make my way over to Gruff just to get out of the way.

"Not bad Llew, not bad at all."

I rolled my eyes at Tomos' words.

"Cheers."

["You grew up."]

["No shit Gruff. You look lovely cariad."]

I shifted awkwardly at Macsen's words and tried not to scowl at Gruff's as I knew it would make me slightly angry. And you know this was another reason I hated dressing up, bloody everyone had to comment on how you looked and Merlin knew I liked to be all nice and inconspicuous in the background.

"Uh oh, your ball and chain's arrived Non."

My annoyance with Gruff disappeared when I saw him punch Tomos in the arm at his words. What I couldn't prevent was the swirling sick nerves that ballooned inside me as I turned to see George standing near the rear porch to the house. I swallowed heavily and had to resist all temptation to touch my hair or duck my head. I took one more deep breath to try and muster up as much courage as I could before I started to walk my way over.

Merlin, this was going to be a long day.

"You look beautiful Non."

He'd waited until I stood level with him to speak and I dug my nails into the palms of my hand to try and keep myself looking outwardly calm, although I could feel a splotch blush wash over me.

"Th-thanks so do you." I winced. "Handsome I mean."

"Not beautiful?"

He was pretending to look crestfallen and I actually managed a half a smile.

"Will you help me Non? I'm just making some final preparations but I need someone on lookout duty."

"Lookout duty? That seems to suggest you're going to be doing something someone will not want you to do."

"What my mother doesn't know can't hurt her."

I felt another smile at his words.

"Yeah, alright then."

In a way it was good that George had thought up something like this to do as it gave him a chance to sort whatever he needed to but also eased me back into his company without having to worry about things getting too awkward.

In fact the rest of the day seemed to go like that. The rest of the morning seemed to rush by and when it was time for the wedding I was absolutely captivated by Charlie and Alina. It was the one good thing about weddings. The bride and groom were always just so happy, and there was so much palpable joy that it was easy to forget everything else. And as for George, we seemed to have bizarrely managed to slip back into easy conversation which I was stupidly glad for. I think it helped that he had completely stopped being so touchy feely. There were no arms around my shoulder or waist, no tugging at my clothes or tweaking my hair. In fact the closest we'd gotten to touching before the dancing started was when he held out his arm to me to escort me to my seat.

I hit a slightly difficult moment when the music started. I always found it a bit hard to listen to since the war but to watch Gruff, Macs and Tomos up on stage playing, to know I'd used to play and practice with them so much, it really brought it to life just how much it hurt and I bit my lip hard. I- I missed playing. It was the first time in a long time that my longing to play actually seemed to be out weighing the hurt I knew it would cause me.

For the first two songs I just stood there, staring, completely captivated by the sounds they were able to create and the sheer joy they expressed to be up there. I wanted that. I wanted to feel that again, or anything even remotely like it.

"Are you alright?"

George's quiet voice broke me from my thoughts and I smiled ruefully.

"I'm jealous."

"You'd want to perform on stage?"

I wasn't surprised that George sounded amazed by that and I shook my head.

"No I- I want to play."

The only response I got to that was a thoughtful hum, until a faster paced song started and he asked me to dance. I stared at his outstretched hand for a long moment. I didn't want to make the same mistakes as before.

"Please?"

"Alright."

Even as I said my answer I got annoyed with myself. I didn't think I should be saying yes, I didn't want him to think that I wanted to and yet my stupid mouth had already decided. Again though, George surprised me. He didn't crowd my personal space or pull me close it was just…nice. When I finally managed to muster up the courage to look up at his face it was to see him already looking at me with a fond smile and I blushed. That was another thing I wish I could learn to stop doing, dear Helga it was awful.

"So I have a question. Tell me, was Macsen born with a beard?"

I let out a startled loud laugh at that and George grinned. It was only when he spun me around that I caught a glimpse of Mrs Weasley glaring at me and I nearly faltered. I had thought she had scowled at me earlier in the day but had put it down to me being slightly paranoid but now there was no doubting it. She was definitely not happy and I felt myself start to sink back into my nerves. George did his best to distract me with questions but it didn't seem to matter now. I'd managed to get through most of the day, and much better than I had at Susan's wedding which was a huge plus but I was really starting to crave some time to myself. At the next break in songs I managed to excuse myself awkwardly under the pretence of needing to use the bathroom.

What had I done that had made Mrs Weasley so cross? Was she still annoyed because of my fighting with Gruff? Or that I'd sworn a bit when talking to Tomos? Or had she seen me helping George earlier? So many thoughts were racing in my head that I sought refuge in Ginny's room despite the fact it was nearly stuffed full with boxes and items that had to be cleared out of the way to get the house ready for the wedding.

It took me a while to get a hold of my nerves and to settle myself before I felt brave enough to venture back outside and on the way out I nearly bumped into Fred in the kitchen and felt the usual surge of alarm I always did when I saw him. I did however need to speak to him and called out to him.

"Fred can-can I have a word?"

He titled his head to the side as he considered my question and nodded.

"It's about Hermione."

"Hermione?"

I couldn't understand why he looked so confused.

"Yes, that's right."

"You definitely mean Hermione?"

"Well yeah, you aren't paired with any other witch."

He followed his arms, and frowned at me which I found to be quite a bizarre reaction.

"Right okay well, I was thinking last night and I just wanted to ask, can you make sure she's okay? I mean, Merlin sorry I'm not explaining this well."

I fumbled over my words as Fred continued to frown at me, and I took a deep breath and tried again.

"Hermione and I have always been the same in that we've not had any family for a very long time."

"Don't be stupid the Weasley's are her family."

I shook my head at him in frustration, even while a part of me noted how sweet that sentiment was.

"No I mean people from our past. Our parents or extended family. Her parents are alive Fred but they don't even know she exists. None of us know anyone from her past that can tell us about what she was like growing up. That's a big chunk of her life we know nothing about apart from what she tells us and I don't know if you've noticed, she talks about it as little as I do mine."

I took another deep breath and carried as I could see from Fred's clenched jaw he wanted to argue.

"We have both in our own ways only had ourselves to rely on. We can have as many friends as can be but that's not the same as having your roots somewhere, of belonging. I'd forgotten even what it felt like to belong to anywhere until Gruff turned up. It's lonely Fred and it's hard, when it's just you. And Hermione might be finding it difficult seeing that now I have someone, but she doesn't. I-I'm probably over thinking it. I just wanted to make sure she was alright, that's all."

"Of course she'll be alright Non, she has me."

I genuinely couldn't tell if Fred was being completely arrogant or just confident in the relationship he appeared to be establishing with her, but I tried to mask my misgivings and I nodded my head. Fred seemed to hesitate though and he pinched the bridge of his nose before trapping me with a very direct gaze.

"What I can't bloody understand Non is that you can be so damn thoughtful for other people, often to your own detriment, what I don't get is why you can't bring yourself to be even a tiny bit thoughtful or considerate to George."

I think Fred's words knocked the air out of me more than a punch or a stunning spell ever could. I was, I mean, I had- hadn't I? Had I not been thoughtful about George? Or considerate to him? By the swirl of guilt building I realised with horror that maybe I hadn't. I'd been so caught up in just me trying to function since this stupid bloody law I had hardly thought of things from his perspective at all.

Fred hesitated for a moment before shaking his head and leaving me alone in the kitchen. I lowered myself from shaky legs onto a seat and thought furiously. How could I do right by George? What should I do?

What I needed, I thought bitterly, was time. And I knew I didn't have it. Ideally George and I could have taken the next couple of weeks to really try and work things out but we didn't have that luxury because I would be away with Ron for work. Merlin, what a mess.

"Oh, there you are!"

I'd never though George's smiling face would make me feel this miserable. Merlin I didn't know what to do.

"Yeah sorry, I just needed a bit of quiet time."

"Not to worry, although we could have done with your auror skills. Alina's uncles all just got into a huge fight it was amazing! Dad's only just managed to calm it all down. Seriously this wedding is brilliant."

I managed to paper on a fragile smile.

"Is it safe to go back outside?"

"Maybe not near the stage but say, come for a stroll?"

I froze. Shit should I? I would need to tell him that I couldn't consider anything until after work.

"A-alright."

Merlin now I just had to figure out how to work it into a conversation.

It was later than I'd thought although as the nights got dark so early I supposed it didn't really make much of a difference. All of the pathways in the garden were dark and had needed charmed fairy lights to keep them lit and George led me down one of them until we were almost near the paddock.

"Have you had a nice day?"

George's voice startled me slightly as we came to a stop near the paddock gate after we'd both been silent for so long.

"I have actually."

"You sound surprised."

"I suppose I am a bit, I-I'm not overly fond of weddings. They're too crowded."

I could see George nod his understanding before he turned to face me.

"I just wanted to say thank you Non. For giving me a day."

"Oh that's fine G-George." I stuttered over his name as his hand came up to cup my cheek. Oh holy shit what was he doing?

"Non."

I wondered briefly if someone pulse could beat so hard it could jump out of their neck before I managed to take a shaky breath and move a step back. I tried not to watch his hand fall back down to his side.

"I-I'm sorry George, I can't."

"You said you'd consider me."

His voice sounded wooden and I hated it.

"I will."

I winced at his snort of disbelief but I still had Fred's words ringing in my ears. I had to be thoughtful and considerate to George, I had to.

"I have so many things I need to work through George, just so many things to come to grips with. And-and I'm going away on Wednesday for I don't even know how long. There's just no time George."

"I suppose if you need to take so long to consider it, then I've already got my answer."

I stepped forward in alarm at his words and tried to catch hold of his arm as he made to move away.

"Merlin George no, I'm genuinely just so confused. Please could you, could you give me some more time?"

"Do I have a choice?"

His voice was so quiet yet still his words managed to freeze me for a moment.

"Of course."

"Fine."

I gazed at his retreating back in confusion. Why had he asked about whether he had a choice? Would he actually give me more time? Or only a limited time?

Would George change his mind about me?

Why did that thought make me feel so sick?

"Oh there you are dear."

Oh fuck, it was Mrs Weasley.

"Oh hi Molly."

I hoped desperately I was keeping how emotional I felt out of my voice. In truth I was starting to feel quite tearful although for one absurd moment I considered whether I needed to worry about whether Mrs Weasley would hurt me and I nearly laughed.

"I just wanted to see that you were alright."

I blinked in confusion.

"You did? But-but I thought I'd upset you?"

"Why you haven't upset me at all."

"But you were glaring at me."

I winced at how clumsily I'd blurted the words out and Mrs Weasley sighed.

"I wasn't glaring at you dear."

"What? But then who…"

I trailed off, surely she couldn't have been glaring at George.

"Non, I know I can be quite short sighted when it comes to my own children but there comes a point where even a mother must acknowledge their flaws. My children are all wonderful and of course I think that, but even I can see that some of them are deeply selfish."

"I don't, I'm sorry Molly I don't understand you."

"My son should never have asked you to spend the day with him today."

"Oh but he-"

"No Non. No." I was slightly alarmed at how fiercely she was speaking. "I know what it is to lose a brother. You lost yours and by some miracle got him back. George should never have asked you to swap what little time you have with Gruff before he goes back to Romania. Never."

I blinked feeling slightly dazed.

"But he was-"

"You and George have all of the time in the world to work things out. He knows that. Him wanting to spend time with you does not excuse his impatience. He was thinking of himself, not you."

I was gobsmacked. For Mrs Weasley to be so openly critical of one of her own children was unheard of.

"I don't think he really was Mrs Weasley." I winced again. "Sorry I mean Molly."

"You are sweet, but I think you're giving him far too much credit. And you call me Mrs Weasley if you like dear, you shouldn't be made to feel to say or do things if they make you uncomfortable. I apologise if we've ever made you feel like that."

I stuttered a few times but was honestly at a loss for words.

"Tell me Non, what is it that you want?"

Oh Merlin, where could I even start? I wanted the war to have never happened. I wanted Gruff to have never left. I wanted it to be July again with no stupid marriage law. I wanted to be back working as an office auror where I could solve crime from my desk. I wanted to sleep for a week and not wake up. I wanted…I wanted…

I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that hit me when I finally realised what it was and I had to choke back a sob even as my face crumpled.

Because really when I was feeling this lost, this confused and yes this upset there was only one thing in the world I could ever want.

"I want my mam."

A/N:

Hello!

A super duper long chapter for you to make up for my tardiness. I had so hoped to get this up by the 19th January to mark the one year anniversary of this story. I'm mildly horrified that I don't know where the year has gone.

Thank you as ever to those of you that read and review, our feedback and encouragement means just so much.

And I hope you like this chapter. In reality I could have written about four chapters for everything I wanted to include so I had to skip a fair bit out otherwise this story will never progress!

Thank you all for taking the time to read.

Diolch,

Yav