A/N: WELL. I hope you enjoyed last chapter (I know rabradley09 did! Thanks for the review, mate! *finger guns*) because, in the words of the great Eminem, "this shit's about to get heavy"
Disclaimer: *pulls off J.K Rowling mask Mission Impossible style* HaHA! You were fooled! I'm not J.K Rowling! And all this money I've made from this story? They're notes with my face on them!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Harry woke immediately at the sound of an Apparation pop from downstairs. He grabbed his wand and glasses and quietly stalked down the stairs, on high alert. His job demanded a certain amount of paranoia, he had certainly pissed off enough of the right people.
"Harry?"
Harry let down his guard, "'Mione? Thank Merlin you said something, I would've blown your bloody head off!" He yelled down the stairs.
She met him in the hallway and threw herself into his arms, crushing her mouth to his.
He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her back, still affected by his morning glory. "Wait, I thought you didn't want -"
She cut him off with another kiss and pushed his lounge pants down, arching her groin into him.
"Hermione, wait. Stop. What's -" He pushed her shoulders to his arms length. This time he was cut off by her tears. He hadn't seen Hermione cry since the War.
Harry pulled up his pants and caught her in time as she collapsed into a sobbing mess.
Hermione crushed her face into his bare chest, both tangled on the floor in the hallway at Grimmauld Place.
"I d-didn't want this," she heaved between sobs, "I can't-t-t handle another one. Harry!" She yelled his name as she sobbed harder still into his neck.
Harry had no idea what happened, but based on the deep purple love bites on her throat, it was probably something to do with Malfoy. He felt rage burn in his chest, "What did he do?"
This caused Hermione to sob loudly, "N-n-nothing. I- What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? H-H-How -" she started hiccuping then hyperventilating. She was uncontrollably shaking and her soggy eyes were filled with terror.
"It's okay, love. You're having a panic attack. It'll pass, I promise. I'm right here. I'll keep you safe," Harry cradled his best friend in his lap and rocked her as her terror wracked her body. He whispered assurances in her ear and brushed her hair away from her face. Just like he did for Ginny when she had her attacks.
After an hour, her panic had subsided and her tears were dry. He guessed she probably felt numb and utterly depressed, at least that was how Ginny had described it.
Her head still rested against his chest she asked, "Why do you still love me? Why do you keep shagging me when I'm so frigid?"
Harry kissed her forehead and answered her with brutal honesty he'd been afraid of for years. "Because I hope one day to see the girl I met at Hogwarts again. The girl who saw the best in someone as awful as Malfoy, despite all that he had done to her. The girl who, for six years straight, helped me and Ron with our homework because if there was one thing she was more than brilliant, it was loving." He rested his forehead on the crown of her head, "And as for the shagging, that's easy, you're brilliant at it. You're not the brightest witch of our generation for nothing." He smiled hoping to rouse some joy from her.
She smiled weakly. "When did she disappear?"
"I don't think she's disappeared, just hiding behind a thick coat of armor." Harry replied.
"When?" she demanded.
Harry sighed, not wanting to bring it up during her state, but he knew she wouldn't let it go. "After you were told your parents' memories couldn't be restored. I think that broke you in a way Bellatrix, Voldemort, Umbridge and even Malfoy couldn't. Ever since then you've pushed people away so, what I suspect, if they leave or die it won't hurt as much."
"Is that why you try to get yourself killed on all of your assignments?" she asked bluntly.
Harry didn't respond, letting the question chill him to his bones. He knew the answer. He knew it was why he lost the love of his life. He knew it was why Ron reminded him near constantly, that he was Freddy and the soon-to-be-born baby's Godfather. But it was what he needed. It was how he survived.
Hermione was silent for a long time, before she muttered, "'War is a curious thing, don't you think?'"
Harry invited Hermione to stay with him until she went back to work. He knew the holidays were difficult for her and after her sudden meltdown he didn't want her to be alone. They sat in the large dining room with cups of steaming tea. It had only been a couple of hours since the incident in the hall.
"Will you stay in my room with me? I want to be there if you have any nightmares," Harry requested.
Hermione rolled her eyes, "I'm fine, Harry. I don't need you to watch me constantly, I'm not going to off myself. Besides, I don't have nightmares, I don't dream at all."
Harry glared at her, "I don't think you realise what just happened. My best friend just showed up at my flat, unexpectedly, tried to shag me then broke down into tears. I haven't seen you cry since the War, Hermione. That's a bit more than worrisome! You haven't shown any emotions other than irritation and anger for years and now you're annoyed I want to keep an eye on you?!" He had stood in the middle of his rant.
She stood to meet his eyeline, "It wasn't exactly pleasant for me, either! I've worked hard to keep those messy emotions away and now - now you're keeping me from moving on from it! Just butt out, Harry. And yes, I'm annoyed because you're being annoying!"
"No!" Harry banged his fist on the wooden table, "No more of this shite! I'm not going to tiptoe around you anymore, 'Mione! We're adults now and if you want to hex me, go for it but it won't fix you. You need to confront what happened to you! Bellatrix, your parents. Crookshanks, for Godric sakes! You showed no grief towards your familiar's death!"
Hermione's wand was now pointed at Harry, "You didn't seem to care when you were getting shagged consistently and had a friend who never questioned your suicide wish of a job!"
Harry was visibly wounded, he couldn't believe that's what his best friend thought of him, "Is that really what you think? That I only care about your emotional wellbeing now that you're shagging Malfoy?" He asked in a whisper.
"It's pretty obvious Harry! You couldn't stand him all throughout school, you were basically obsessed with him in sixth year! Maybe you're not jealous I'm shagging him, but that you're not," she goaded, her wand not lowering.
"Fucking STOP, HERMIONE!" Harry roared, "Look at how you're talking to me, look at how many people are sticking by you regardless to how nasty and cold you are to them. Me, Luna, even Malfoy. I love you and want to -"
"To what!? To see me get right in the head before you go and get yours blown off? You want to talk fuck ups, Harry? Take a look in the bloody mirror. You run around Europe looking for the most dangerous wizards because nothing will live up to Voldemort again. You've passed your expiration date for being a hero and now you want to die. Ginny saw and it and even a mess like me saw it, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to care if you never came back or if Kingsley showed up at my office to tell me you finally failed! So don't you dare point your finger at me when you've actively kept hurting people who love you by refusing to stop. At least I had the decency to distance myself."
The weight of Hermione's words dropped Harry back to the bench. He had been selfish by continuing to shag Hermione, the only person who wouldn't beg him to quit. He ignored his friends' pleas. He ignored Ginny's. Not a day passed without Harry remembering how happy she had been with him after the War ended. He had been happy too, he wanted to marry her and have children. But it didn't fill the hole of being an 'expired hero'. His hunts didn't make him feel accomplished or like he had saved more people. Fred, Tonks, Remus, Moody, they were all still dead because of him.
Hermione lowered her wand but still stood, eyes on fire, "What? Say something!"
"You're right."
That seemed to surprise her, "What?"
"I'm no better than you. Neither of us dealt with the ordeal we went through and covered it up with violence and sex." Harry hung his head, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I dragged you down with me."
"Stop it! Fight me!" She barked. When he didn't respond she exploded the teapot between them. "I don't want to do this!"
Hermione fired a knockback jinx at Harry. He hit the wall behind him but made no attempt to retaliate. He deserved whatever punishment she doled out, he had failed her for years.
"Get up and fight back!" Tears were now streaking down her cheeks. She flung the heavy table across the dining room and crossed to him. She yanked up his collar and pushed him against the wall.
"No," he ground out, "I didn't console you, I didn't show love the way a friend should have." He wrapped his arms around her back, locking her against his chest.
She violently thrashed and struggled to get away but his wrist was clasped by his hand.
"I'm sorry."
Hermione broke into loud sobs. " Stop it! I don't want to feel this."
"I'll quit. I'll leave the international department."
She stopped quaking and looked up at him, "What?"
"I'll leave my position and join the local Auror force. I'll do office work, I'll do something less dangerous."
"Just like that? Really?" Hermione asked disbelievingly.
"Well obviously no, not just like that. It took losing Ginny, really seeing how I failed you and I wouldn't be lying if a couple close calls with death didn't factor in. I blame myself for you not having better support in your times of need. I was closest to you and I ignored the signs. I'm so sorry, 'Mione. I did this to you."
She shifted in his arms, clearly uncomfortable with his proclamation, "I see what all the Slytherin's were talking about now. Gryffindors really do have a complex."
Harry chuckled, "Funny you don't align yourself as a Gryffindor anymore. I mean it, I'll change to better help you. I see now that the girl from Hogwarts has been through too much to come back, but I want to be here for you so you can evolve."
After a long silence, Hermione whispered, "What if it's too late? What if I'm too far gone?"
"Not possible," he replied and kissed the top of her head. "We can start out with small things. Like, why don't you ask me about my Christmas?"
Hermione grimaced but complied. A swell of hope filled Harry's chest. She was willing to try and that was all he could ask from her right now.
It was New Years Eve and had been two days since Hermione agreed to work on her emotional spectrum. It made her incredibly uncomfortable and impatient to ask Harry mundane questions about his job or about his day. But she found that Harry was different compared to the boy she knew six years ago. She let herself feel guilty that she hadn't taken the time to get to know the man Harry had grown into.
Harry left for Ron and Romilda's earlier this morning to spend time with Freddy before the adult celebrations in the evening. Hermione still wasn't ready to celebrate another holiday without her parents and opted to stay at Grimmauld Place. Harry hadn't push her, thankfully.
She opted to write out all the horrible things she had encountered in her short life and how it felt to relive them all. Nearly an hour passed after she was pulled out of her painful memories: Ron walking out on her and Harry, her bloody forearm and burning insides from Bellatrix, seeing her dead friends laid out in the Great Hall, the last time she saw her parents' happy faces, and finding Crookshanks' body curled in front of the Floo waiting for her to come home from work. Her chest heaved and she allowed herself to cry hard. She had confronted these memories everyday since she arrived at Harry's.
She hated this feeling, she hated feeling sad but Harry insisted they should let themselves feel it. Having placed her trust in him entirely, Hermione respected Harry's process. She was still in awe that he was going to leave the only job he'd ever known just so he could be more supportive of her. Her heart felt heavy with sadness and the love Harry was forcing on her. She understood she needed it.
Her mind drifted to Malfoy. Draco. She didn't understand why their last interaction caused such a dramatic chain of events. Their fight was significantly less violent than when she was mugged but it hurt and scared her more. She, of course, didn't want to see him because he had obviously started developing romantic feelings for her. Or at least that was what she assumed by his neediness. Not neediness, she corrected herself, need for support and comfort. Regardless to the change of words, she still felt awkward at the idea of it. She couldn't even comfort her best friend of fifteen years, instead she had jinxed him.
Hermione looked out the window from her twin sized bed and sighed. She would be lying if she said she didn't miss Draco. He seemed to appreciate her for who she was now, not who she was in school, like Harry. She missed having someone around who would make dark jokes and wouldn't scold her for laughing or whose eyes wouldn't glaze over when she talked about S.P.E.W or literature. She wondered what he was doing.
Realisation donned on her, he was at Pansy's house. Today was their New Years celebration.
She knew she couldn't see him again. She had to focus on herself and work to be someone who could be loved and who could give love back.
A tear leaked from her eye. She would miss her snake of a friend.
"It's about time you showed up, Drake! There's only an hour until midnight. Merlin, you look like shite," Pansy remarked as he Flooed into her quiet study.
Draco knew he looked awful. He didn't care. He resorted to taking two Dreamless draughts every night since he came back from Greece. His skin was becoming a crepey grey and his normally sharp eyes were glossy. He felt like he was in a slight daze when he wasn't asleep. With his now naked cheeks, he'd never looked more like his father near the end of his life. Draco was spending most of his time in his office, incessantly studying to find out how to make Neville's blasted potion. "Thanks, I hadn't noticed. Where is everyone?"
"Never mind that, what's going on? Talk to me," Pansy requested, looking genuinely concerned.
"Why? So you can have dirt on me too when you become Minister?" he snarled at her.
"Hey! Knock it off! What. Happened?" Pansy didn't take Draco's moody bullshite, which normally he wouldn't mind but tonight he just wanted to get back home to sleep.
"Was it Granger?"
His dull eyes lit with fire and he stared at her with a warning, "Don't."
"Okay, so something obviously happened. Did she break it off?" Pansy rested her hand on his forearm.
Draco shook her off, "No. There was nothing to break off. I - I fucked up," he admitted self defeated.
Pansy snorted, "Well I guessed that you had fucked up. That's kind of your M. O."
He reluctantly huffed a laugh at his friend's jab. "It is, isn't it?" He was silent for a while. "I knew what she wanted. I just didn't think…"
"That ye, the great Draco Malfoy, would catch feelings?" Theo finished for him standing in the study doorway.
Draco hung his head and heaved out a breath, "Yeah. She's insufferable! She's moody, short tempered, sodding psychotic and can literally flip me on my arse. I hated her more than anything in school."
Theo clapped Draco's shoulder, "Welcome to the world of unrequited love, mate. According to some Muggle author, we'll eventually kill ourselves because our lovers die in fantastical circumstances."
Pansy looked at her best friends with pity and shook her head,"You two are absolute messes."
"Ye won't even tell us who you're shagging, Pansy. How do we know you're not a mess too? It's the Slytherin way of life." Theo shot back.
"Because I picked my lover with much thought and he's discreet, that's all that matters to me. I'm happy," Pansy replied matter-of-factly.
There was a heavy silence between the friends before Theo broke it.
"So did ye at least get to shag her?"
Draco laughed dejectedly, "Yeah, actually. It was the best night of my life."
Neville wandered down the long halls of Pansy's home to find where the other's went, leaving Luna to chat with the garden gnomes.
"So did ye at least get to shag her?"
"Yeah, actually. It was the best night of my life."
Neville slowed his pace as he heard the voices, recognizing the voices as Theo and Draco. He turned on his heel to give them privacy before Theo's voice stopped him.
"Neville? A word?"
He felt his heart leap to his throat as he turned back to the voice to see Theo in the study doorway. Neville swallowed hard and followed Theo to another closed door in the hall as Draco and Pansy brushed past him.
Theo closed the door behind him and stood silently.
"Is Draco okay? He's not looking great," Neville enquired, worried about his friend.
"No. He's mending a broken heart with too many sleeping draughts (again), booze and probably self mutilation," Theo responded with a shrug. "I don't think he'll off himself but could ye keep an eye on him?"
"Yes, of course. Anything." Neville replied earnestly.
Theo chuckled and took a step towards Neville. "Ye Gryffindors are so ready to save anyone. Even a snake." Another step.
"Everyone deserves the chance to be saved," Neville answered, his voice started to falter as he and Theo were nearly nose to nose.
They silently stood close together, Neville's eyes glued on Theo's before the latter's eyes trailed to stare at Neville's mouth.
"You're too good… I'll ruin ye." Theo breathed.
Neville's breath was caught in his throat, his mind simultaneously racing and completely blank. Theo tilted his head slightly, started to close his eyes and descended slowly on Neville's lips. The contact fried all of Neville's nerves. He gently pushed his mouth against Theo's. Taking advantage of the reception, Theo deepened the kiss by prying Neville's mouth open with his tongue and sought his out. Neville matched Theo's desire and felt himself growing in his jeans.
Theo grabbed the back of Neville's neck and increased the intensity of their kiss tenfold. His other hand moved to Neville's low back and pulled him against his body. Neville gave into the moment and put both of his hands on Theo's cheeks. Theo moaned over Neville's tongue when he felt Neville's erection push against his leg. Neville instinctively ground his hips against Theo and he felt the grips on his neck and back tighten. He'd never been more excited, he didn't want to stop until…
"Luna." Neville regretfully broke away. "I can't do this to her." He cast his eyes down.
Theo slowed his breathing and slumped his shoulders, "Yeh, I know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I just couldn't… Drake looking like that…" He scoffed at his lack of words.
"Yeah. I know. Thank you for doing it though, I never would've had the courage." Neville blushed and gave a shy smile.
"Would ye listen to that? I have more courage than a bloody lion," Theo grinned. He put a crooked finger under Neville's chin, forcing him to meet his gaze. "I know I have no right to say this, but I don't regret this. I have wanted ye for a long time, Neville. I also know ye have some life choices to make. If this was just a one-off experiment for ye, please spare me the pain of chasing a straight man and tell me. If not, I'm here. Take all the time ye need."
Neville just nodded, not knowing how to respond.
Theo reluctantly pulled away and walked to the door, "Oh and please don't go for a run because of this. At least not by yourself. I promise not to attack ye if we just remain friends. Agreed?'
"Agreed," Neville croaked.
Theo left the room, leaving the door ajar.
"Hello Theo, is Neville still in there?"
Neville's heart stopped as he heard his girlfriend's familiar dreamy voice.
"Em, yeh. Thanks for letting me borrow his ear."
Luna appeared through the door, "Hi, Love. Is Theo okay? I assume he must be upset about Draco's wellbeing."
"Yeah, he's asked me to keep an eye on Draco," he couldn't bare to look her in the eyes.
She gazed for a short few seconds at his downcast eyes then rubbed Neville's back lovingly, "You're a good man, Neville Longbottom. No matter what, you do the right thing." Luna smiled up at him and pulled his hand, "Come, it'll be midnight soon and we must scare off the Blibbering Humdingers if we're to have a good year!"
"What did you want with Longbottom?" Pansy asked when Theo entered the kitchen.
"Just wanted him to keep an eye on Draco when ye an' I aren't around," he grabbed a fizzy drink from the refrigerator.
"Good idea. Is that all you talked about?" she asked cocking her eyebrow at his clearly flushed face.
"Piss off, Pansy." he snapped back.
"Whoa! What's your problem? How did I end up friends with two men who are more moody than I am?" Pansy raised her hands in exasperation.
Theo rubbed his eyes, "I want a bloody drink! You're supposed to get tossed at the holidays."
"I wanted to talk to you about that, Theo. Do you think you might want to cut back on the drink a bit? Drake mentioned you were out of your tree Christmas morning," Pansy rested her hand on Theo's crossed arms.
"Yeh, that's our tradition. It was no different from every other year," he shrugged.
"That's a lie and you know it. This shite about unrequited love has sent you into a bloody tailspin. I'm happy you haven't been off on your trips since November, but Merlin, Theo. I hardly ever see you dry these days." Worry dripped off each word.
"Look, I'm watching Neville and Drake and now I've gone and muddied everything up. I'm not going on trips anymore. I need a way to relax, woman! I'll lose my damn head at this rate!" He snarled at her and shook her hand off.
"Theodore Nott! I will not have you killing yourself because you're worried about others. Drake and Neville are grown ups. Don't lie to yourself when you think you're the only thing keeping them alive. Draco knows he has to get clean and he can do it, just like he did last time. Neville obviously has some shite to sort out now, but again, he's an adult and has Lovegood. Not everything rests on your damn shoulders. Get your head out of your arse and dry out a bit. Okay?"
He didn't respond, but glared at her.
"Besides, do you really think Longbottom would love a fat, smelly drunk?" She taunted.
Theo angrily rolled his eyes and stormed out of the kitchen.
Pansy knew Theo had a good heart and wouldn't deny her. He may be a Slytherin, but he loved her and Draco more than anything. They were his only family now and he wouldn't hurt his family.