Oh, the city's cold and empty (oh)
No one's around to judge me (oh)
I can't see clearly when you're gone
I said, ooh, I'm blinded by the lights
No, I can't sleep until I feel your touch
I said, ooh, I'm drowning in the night
Oh, when I'm like this, you're the one I trust
The Weeknd, "Blinding Lights"
How long had he been standing out here, getting drenched by the rain? Sasuke stared up at the sky—a dismal, gut-wrenching gray.
Rain poured, soaking his black suit. His hair was matted to his forehead and cheeks. He closed his eyes, distracted by the buzzing in his ears. When he opened them again, would he be somewhere else? Another time? Another him? Why couldn't he set the clocks back to only a few days ago? Every moment he breathed he felt as if he might wake up from this dream. His parents would still be alive. He could go home, walk in through the door and find his mom cooking at the stove, his father reading a newspaper at the table. But there would be nothing. No one to come home to anymore. Every time he stepped into his parents' house, no matter how loud he called for them, no matter how long he looked—they were gone. In the blink of an eye, gone. Nothing.
Sasuke's nails dug so deeply into his palm, he could feel the warmth of blood flowing between his fingers. He couldn't think of anything other than this cracking sensation destroying him from the inside. There was only an impulse to be reckless. Images flashed in his mind of going to a club and getting so drunk he passed out on the floor, taking someone home while high off his ass, or getting into the car and driving it off the pier. All seemed viable options. Abruptly, he turned toward the door with the intention of escaping the funeral services. Itachi could handle it. He'd just take the car and go. It didn't matter where he went or what happened to him.
After only a few steps, while discreetly grabbing his coat and keys—he ended up coming face to face with Naruto. He stood in the doorway, blocking his only exit. Sasuke felt his whole body stiffen as they stared at one another. He hated that Itachi had invited Naruto back to Seattle. He hated seeing Naruto at all. He didn't care how cruel he'd been to him since he flew in from O'Hare two days ago. He hated that Naruto seemed to know, without Sasuke saying anything, what he was about to do. Sasuke walked forward, roughly brushing past him, his shoulder slamming into Naruto's hard enough that a quiet gasp of pain escaped his lips. Still, Naruto managed to give chase and grab hold of Sasuke's arm, halting him.
"Let go of me," Sasuke spat.
"The service is still going on, whatever you're thinking, just stay here, Sasuke."
"The fuck if it's any of your business." He glared, directing all the pain and anger at this one person. Naruto's determination had him so close to beating the shit out of him and running out of here. The desire to escape was so strong he thought he was going to burst out of his skin. He attempted to pull out of Naruto's hold, but Naruto dug his fingers in and hauled Sasuke close.
"I'm not gonna let you do anything stupid," Naruto replied, his own voice low and conveying a warning despite his features remaining mostly neutral.
Sasuke's eyes narrowed as he scoffed. "Since when did you give a shit about what I do?"
"This isn't about us. There's a room full of people who knew and cared for your parents. If you'd only let them—"
"What the fuck do they know?" Sasuke shouted, uncaring that anyone in the room over—the very room where his parents' dead bodies were displayed before they'd be cremated—could hear him yelling. "They were my parents, Naruto! Mother and Father—are gone. Do you get it? And before you even try to compare, you still have your dad."
He saw the way his words affected Naruto, the way the blonde took in a sharp breath and flinched, eyes shutting briefly before reopening to become fixed as stone on him. When Naruto released a shaky breath it gave Sasuke some smug satisfaction.
"I know you're angry," Naruto said, clearly trying to keep his cool. "But I'm not gonna let you do anything stupid. If you need to take it all out on me, scream at me, punch me. I don't care. That's fine. I just won't let you do whatever it is you're thinking."
"How would you know what I'm thinking? We haven't been friends in over a year." Sasuke felt very, very tempted by Naruto's offer. The thought of taking it out on him was… so appealing.
"Because I know the thoughts that went through my mind when Mom died. But, you're not alone. Itachi is going through the same thing right now."
"Yes, well, Itachi—the darling of the family—can keep it together. But I'm the screw up. Right, Naruto? Or weren't you aware? I'm the fuck up! I'm the faggot! Of course people expect this of me anyway, right? 'Sasuke's the emotional one! He can't keep his shit together. He can't even do the simple things his father wanted him to do, like have a stable fucking life!'"
"You don't mean that." Naruto's voice was almost a whisper, steely blue eyes searching Sasuke's.
Sasuke felt Naruto's grip lessen. He took the opportunity to free himself and shove Naruto off.
"The fuck would you know," he repeated. "Just go back to Illinois. This isn't your life anymore. No one's here for you. No one cares if you stay. In fact, I don't want you here. I think you should leave." He pointed in the direction of the heavy wooden double doors that led to the parking lot. For every step he took forward, Naruto took one back until they found themselves in one of the other rooms adjoining the viewing area. There were a few people standing around; curiously, they looked over at the two of them at the sound of their raised voices. Sasuke didn't care. He didn't care if he was causing a scene.
"Sasuke… this really isn't the place," Naruto reproached, the line of his mouth very thin and disapproving. "If you want me to take you home, I will. Just don't—you're gonna regret this later."
Sasuke laughed so hard he must've sounded hysterical. He kept pushing Naruto in the chest, forcefully enough that there would surely (hopefully) be bruises tomorrow.
"You're hilarious, Naruto."
Sasuke pushed him so far through the building that they ended up in the funeral home's entryway, only feet away from a group loitering around the guestbook. They nearly knocked over one of the many floral arrangements sent by some person who was so sorry. So sorry that Sasuke would never see his parents again. That relationship with his father he sacrificed to be himself and follow his dreams? God, it was so laughable now! What the fuck was it all for when his father was dead? Any achievements he expected from himself, to eventually prove to his father that he was a good son—he'd never be alive to see them!
"The fuck," Sasuke croaked, grabbing onto the lapels of Naruto's suit jacket. "The fuck would you know about anything, Naruto? You have no idea what I've gone through since you left! No idea." He felt the tears burning angry trails down his cheeks. "You left me. You abandoned me. And you think you can come back here? To what? Why are you even here?"
He was shouting now, and to his right, he caught Itachi coming this way, no doubt having heard the argument from the viewing room. Sasuke still had a hold on Naruto even as his brother tried to grab his arm and get him to let go.
"It's fine, Itachi," Naruto said. "It's okay. I just gotta get him out of here. He's fine."
"Sasuke, let go. This isn't the time or place."
"Why are both of you so against me?" Sasuke growled. "Why don't you get it?"
"Let me take him home," Naruto pleaded. "We should get him out of here."
Sasuke increased his grip on Naruto and shoved him hard against the wall again. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here!"
"Itachi—" Naruto said again, almost begging, and Sasuke just couldn't understand.
He couldn't understand anything at all, so he sobbed. He sobbed so hard that his whole body physically ached. It was a heartbreak like he'd never known. He wanted to collapse and die right here on the floor, so he started to let go, but something kept him upright. Through his blurry, distorted vision, he could see Naruto and Itachi holding him up so that he wouldn't fall. Naruto moved—Sasuke didn't know where he was going—leaving Itachi to support his weight.
Sasuke collapsed against his brother, clinging onto him, face buried in his brother's chest like he was a child again. Minutes—or what felt like hours—passed and eventually Naruto returned. He was then carried outside by Itachi and Naruto, manhandled into the passenger seat. Naruto and Itachi stood outside in the pouring rain while the car remained running, a song playing at a low volume on the radio. He stared at the dashboard like he'd never seen it before, the words being sung, but him having no comprehension of their meaning. After some time, Naruto got into the driver's seat. Sasuke blinked at him as if he'd never seen him before. He had such a strong urge, though, to ask Naruto to hold him, to even crawl into his lap. If Naruto didn't hold him soon, Sasuke was going to turn to dust and disappear. He felt like he was floating somewhere outside his body and though he didn't want to be here, the idea of suddenly disappearing had him so afraid, his whole body began to shake.
But then Naruto reached over, grabbing his bicep and squeezing. Almost hesitantly, he touched Sasuke's cheek with a light graze of his fingertips.
Sasuke wanted but he didn't know how to ask for it or what he even wanted.
"Naruto," he croaked, yearning so desperately for Naruto to make this pain go away. "It hurts."
"What can I do?" Naruto asked, a thumb catching one of his many tears. "I know it hurts. What do you want to do? What do you want me to do? Anything, Sasuke. I'll do anything."
Anything… anything… anything was a lot. He could ask anything of Naruto right now. And he wasn't even in his right mind. Anything, anything. Could he even ask Naruto to sleep with him? Drown his pain in sex and intimacy? Could he hurt Naruto? Could he make Naruto feel even a sliver of this pain he felt now? ...But he didn't want that. The image of it did pass fleetingly through his mind, but that's not what he wanted. He only wanted the pain to go away. He wanted to sleep. He wanted not to be alone. He wanted Naruto to hold onto him and promise not to ever let go, smother him and stay close for as long as Sasuke wanted him there.
"T-take me home," he stuttered, teeth chattering and body still shaking.
"Okay." Naruto smoothed his hair back soothingly. "Okay. We'll go back."
He turned the heat up and the seat warmer on for him.
"Keep holding onto my hand," Sasuke said. He turned to look out the window as they left the funeral home's parking lot. Naruto squeezed his hand and didn't let go for the entire 30-minute drive to the family home.
Wordlessly, they entered the empty house. After getting off his shoes, Naruto led Sasuke to his bedroom where he helped him to remove his wet slacks, jacket, dress shirt, and socks. Sasuke was left standing in his room in his underwear. He knew he was expected to go into the bathroom and take a shower, but he couldn't get his feet to move. He couldn't leave his spot beside Naruto.
"Do you… want me to stay with you? I can sit on the toilet—"
"With me."
The muscle in Naruto's jaw tightened, but it's what Sasuke wanted, and he expected to get what he wanted because Naruto owed him. Everyone in the whole fucking world owed him.
"You want me to shower with you?" Naruto clarified.
Sasuke stared at him as if daring him to deny his request. It was a test, but so what.
"Okay," Naruto agreed without argument. He nodded. "Okay. Let's get you in the shower and then into bed. I'll stay with you until you don't need me anymore."
He almost snorted at that, but bit his tongue instead because he did want Naruto to stay. Just like he'd always wanted Naruto to stay. It was Naruto who'd left. Everyone always left. He just wanted someone to stay. He wanted to feel love, to be loved, to be taken care of—was it too late to ask for more? Could he really get Naruto to touch him again if he asked? Pull that string and take advantage, manipulate Naruto because he knows his weaknesses…
"Naruto," Sasuke whispered, feeling 16 again now that they were both alone in his bedroom. The same room that they'd spent so many nights together, talking and laughing.
God, how dramatic did they used to be? All of those dumb things he used to worry about without ever realizing something like this could happen? Even though it had happened to Naruto. Glancing at Naruto, he wanted to ask for so much, but he also knew it was impossible. He knew tomorrow he'd feel differently. But, right now—today—he looked at Naruto and smiled. Or, at least as close as he could come to one, and without him needing to say anything, Naruto took him by the hand and led him across the hall into the bathroom. Sasuke tried not to think how his mother and father would never enter this house again. It was quiet here for a reason. It wasn't like the old days when they would fool around once his parents went out for their usual date nights.
It was an infinite silence, yet just for a little while, Sasuke wanted to pretend. So, they went into the bathroom and Naruto stripped himself of his own clothes after turning on the shower. Once he tested the temperature to make sure it was hot enough, Naruto slid open the shower door and stepped inside.
"Well, are you comin' in?" Naruto asked, one eye shut as the water hit him full in the face.
Sasuke glimpsed his reflection in the mirror, though the glass was quick to fog over with condensation. When he could no longer see himself, he took off his underwear and got in the shower with Naruto. He let himself be pampered, let Naruto wash his hair and body. When they finished, Naruto dried him off, including his hair, put him in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, got him into bed, and held him close until Sasuke slipped into a series of dark, troubled dreams.