chapter fourteen: how much for a favor?
It is the sharpness of the pain that surprises her most.
Ben's life is his own. His decision about what to do with it is his own. Rey has no emotional investment in that — or at least, she has no reason to be emotionally invested. From the outside the situation seems pitiable at best. A person with normal feelings might be mildly disappointed that he'd chosen to remain in a career that made him unhappy, just because of the power or fame or money...or whatever it was. But Rey can't have normal feelings about this. She isn't disappointed. She's absolutely devastated.
She thought she'd seen someone deeper than that superficial ambition. She thought he understood, as she does, that all his career decisions thus far have been driven by his family, either directly or indirectly through his need to escape them. He'd acted like he was ready to finally examine himself for his own desires and goals, ready to take on his own life. And she wants that for him.
If Ben could drag his own destiny out of the gnarled mess of trauma, maybe she could too.
But he can't.
And she can't either.
It's a truth she must acknowledge in her moments of most bitter honesty.
That is why he is disappointed in her too. Hadn't he asked the same thing? For her to step away, onto her own path, and she said no? Her need for Mando and Dyn and the family they couldn't be is too powerful to escape. His need for validation and acceptance from an institution which echoes his own family's is too powerful for him, too.
They are both of them trapped.
That night after the town car dropped her off at the apartment, Rey went in with a stomach full of ice because she didn't know how she would explain her crushed mood to her friends. Fortunately, no one was there. So she locked herself in the bathroom, got into the shower, and let go of all the sobs trapped inside her, letting the water wash away the sorrow.
When her friends got home, she rallied and pretended everything was fine. They said she seemed tired. She went with that theory, since it allowed her to sit among them in a subdued, numb state. Jannah needed to go to bed to get up for an early morning case assignment, so Rey went with her and curled into a ball beneath her covers and tried not to think about anything else that had happened that day. Not the ferry or the coffee shop or the woods or Luke or Ben's touch or Ben himself. She failed miserably, but eventually exhaustion took her away.
Now it is morning.
And it is a dull morning.
Rey can hear the sound of tires on wet pavement below, and judging by the muted gray light filtering in through the window, she knows it must be raining again. It's unbearably cliché, and she wants to scream at the sky that this isn't some movie where the weather magically mirrors her mood. She hates that Seattle's sunny, warm day had to coincide with the brightest, loveliest experience she'd ever had, and that now when her heart feels like it has been tossed out to see without a life raft, the rain returns.
"Are you alright?" Jannah asks as she gets ready. Her face is etched with mild concern.
Rey has been staring up at the ceiling, still in bed, thinking about the stupid rain. She glances at her roommate now.
When she doesn't reply, Jannah prods. "You're not bouncing out of bed with your usual vigor. Did everything go alright yesterday?"
"No," Rey says, sitting up slowly. "I've been an idiot."
"What do you mean?" asks Jannah, surprised but gentle. She sits down on the side of Rey's bed while she slips some socks on.
Rey looks at her hands. "I've let myself pretend that I belong here. I've gotten involved. Let myself care."
"About us?"
She nods. "I'm not supposed to stay here. And now...I have to go."
Jannah's eyes widen. "Today?"
"Soon. Very soon. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Within the next couple. I've gotten distracted but I still have a job to do, and all I've managed so far is to make attachments that will hurt when I leave."
Because more than anything, Rey has concluded from yesterday's disaster that if she can't escape her future, she will fling herself headlong into it. She will leave this place and turn in Han and accept all the jobs Griff will give her. She will remain a stubborn burr in Mando's life until he finally admits that they are, in fact, a family. Until he agrees that she is not disposable.
Her roommate sighs in soft regret. "I guess I forgot about that part too. You leaving."
"Yeah," Rey says.
It is easier to pretend, for Jannah's sake and her own, that her malaise comes from knowing she will shortly say goodbye to her new friends, her only friends. Jannah tries to comfort her with reassurances that she can come back after her assignment, or that they will come visit her in Colorado, but by the time she leaves for work, both women are simply left with the hollow knowledge that neither of those things are likely.
Rey showers and gets ready for the day, even though she doesn't know what exactly she wants to do. Zorri saves her the choice by inviting her to go grocery shopping at the farmer's market. There, Zorri is all casual friendliness, easy and refreshing to be with. She talks of nothing very serious, but is always interesting, telling Rey about her business and the big decisions ahead of them. She takes them to get lunch and boba tea afterwards. Rey feels better at the end of their outing. Zorri isn't like Jannah or Rose, who are warm and intimate. She is like a cool breeze on a hot day, fleeting and aloof but desperately needed.
After that, she goes to work at Niima for a few hours. Rose isn't there, which is just as well. Rey doesn't need the kind of questions Rose, in her innocence, would ask.
The one she most wants to talk to, besides Ben, is Mando. She wants to spill everything, to tell him all about her hurts. But she doesn't try to call him again. He made it clear last time they spoke that he is determined to make her do this on her own. Besides, she knows he won't understand. The only person she's seen Mando ever care about, after Dyn, is his friend Cara. But they just circle each other endlessly like twin suns in orbit, never actually colliding, each content to live their own lives. Mando would never be heartbroken over Cara's career decisions. And Rey can't explain why Ben means so much to her without getting into the whole deeper issue of her longing for family.
So she doesn't call him.
Instead, when she finishes at Niima, she looks up the address of the Chandrillan Gardens apartments again and goes there to stake it out. She parks a couple blocks away, lest Han recognize her car on his way home. She strolls the block at a leisurely pace, drawing the hood of her jacket up to get her out of the persistent rain and also to obscure her face from the camera she knows must be around here somewhere. She doesn't look for it, though. If by chance Ben is watching, he will certainly notice her looking around. She has to play it cool.
She finds a utility box half-hidden behind a tree across the street from the apartments' designated parking lot, and there she sits to wait.
The apartments are shabby holdouts from the 70's, clearly owned by someone who doesn't care to update them. The people who come and go are familiar to Rey. This is definitely the kind of place she and Mando would come to in pursuit of a skip. In fact, it wouldn't surprise her at all if more than one tenant here is lying low on the wrong side of the law.
She watches the neighbors and thinks about the absurdity of Han living in a place like this, when his family has the wealth, power, and influence that it does. If he were on better terms with his wife, or even his son, he could be in much nicer digs. Then again, maybe Han prefers it this way. Ben did say his father was uncomfortable in his mother's world.
And as if thinking his name had conjured him, Rey becomes acutely aware of Ben's car appearing at the end of the block. It's too nice for this neighborhood. It will stick out like a sore thumb. But he parks it in the darkening gloom of another large tree and manages to more or less blend in. He doesn't get out of his car, and Rey is fairly certain he can't see her.
But her heart starts to race anyway.
Her fists clench and she has to steady herself lest she either burst into tears or go running to his car and demand they fix this misunderstanding right now. Except it isn't a misunderstanding. It's a fundamental impass.
Oh god. But he is so close. And it's only been 24 hours since Empire, but it's already been a miserable lifetime she has lived knowing they are again at odds. How easy it would be to sweep it away.
No, it wouldn't be easy. It wouldn't be easy at all.
As Rey's mind spins in upset circles, Han's Westfalia comes around the corner at the opposite end of the street from Ben and turns into the parking lot.
Rey feels sick. Nausea churns in her stomach. She dares not intercept Han now — not with Ben here. She doesn't want another confrontation with him. She can't have another confrontation with him. And if she has to endure his disappointment or hurt again, she will shatter.
So she watches Han unlock and enter his apartment, and then she scrambles off her utility box and flees as quickly and surreptitiously as she can. When she makes it back to her car, her hands are shaking.
"Ben," she groans, dropping her forehead against the top of the steering wheel and closing her eyes.
Her phone buzzes against her thighs. Immediately her heart is in her throat. is it him? Did he see her?
Jannah: Are you home tonight?
Rey's teeth clench as she bites back a stab of disappointment that her sweet friend does not deserve. She quickly taps out a reply.
—Heading there now. Do you need a ride?
Jannah: No, I'm on the train already. I need to talk.
—Are you okay? Should I call?
Jannah: I think I'm okay.
Jannah: But I'm not sure I can talk about it over the phone. Not in public. I might freak out.
—What's going on?
Jannah: I'll just tell you about it when we both get home.
—Okay, sure. I'll be there soon.
Rey sets her phone down and turns the ignition. Jannah has broken the spell that has trapped her here. She is needed by someone else, and her concern for her friend is enough to get her to drive away from Han and Ben.
She gets home before Jannah does. Finn is the only one there.
Rey sets down her things and sinks down into the couch heavily, like gravity has become unbearable. She is worried for her friend, but the agitation just adds to her physical exhaustion rather than diminishing it. Finn looks up from the football game he's watching on Poe and Zorri's mammoth-huge TV.
"Bad day?" he asks.
"You could definitely say that," she sighs. "Where are the marrieds?"
"Out to dinner with Poe's parents." He kicks his feet up on the coffee table. "You need to talk about what's wrong?"
"No."
"Cool." He gives her a dubious side-glance, and after a second adds, "I'm not judgy, you know. You can tell me anything."
"Don't wanna talk about it, Finn."
"Okay, okay."
She stares up at the game too, but she doesn't take it in at all. Her eyes look right past it, her thoughts a swirling tempest of worry competing with her own problems, longing and reactionary anger a confusing blend inside her. Seeing Ben again and being unable to go to him to fix it has stirred up her irritation. If she sees him again, she doesn't know if she'll scream at him or sob into him, shove him up against a wall and punch him in the mouth or kiss him.
Wandering through these tangled thoughts, she jumps cleans out of her skin when Finn suddenly bellows in alarm and gestures violently at the TV. Some player has made a breakaway and is rocketing down the field by himself.
"Did you see that?" he shouts, turning to her with wide eyes and another demanding sweep of his arm.
Rey is about to reply when behind him, the front door opens and Jannah comes in. As soon as she turns around, it's clear how badly she is shaken. Rey bolts to her feet and hurries over.
"Are you alright?" she gasps. "What happened?"
Finn is distracted away from his game. He stands too, hitting the mute button. "Jannah?"
The other girl's umber skin lacks its normal luster, her warm inner glow replaced by ashen pallor instead. She lets her bag drop to the floor by her feet and shakes the rain out of her hair, her hands trembling with every movement. She allows Rey to take one of those quivering hands and lead her over to the couch.
"I'm alright," she says unevenly.
"Were you jumped?" Finn demands.
"No—"
"Did someone harass you? Say something?"
"No—"
"What happened?"
Rey kicks his shin as Jannah sits down, giving him a discouraging glare. "Maybe if you let her speak we could find out!"
"Sorry," he says, lowering himself beside them.
Rey turns to Jannah and waits for her friend to be ready. She doesn't let go of her hand, giving it a little squeeze instead to let her know she isn't alone.
Eventually Jannah draws a breath and says, voice breaking, "She's looking for me."
Rey gasps. "Phas?"
Jannah looks at her hands. "My boss said a woman called asking if there was an employee there by my name."
"How do you know that was her?" Finn asks, his voice urgent but slightly less insistent. "Did she give her name?"
"No..." Jannah shakes her head. "But I know it was her anyway."
Rey does her best not to let her own alarm seep into her voice. "What did your boss tell her?"
"I told D'Acy about the situation when she hired me, so she knew to be wary. She told her no."
Rey and Finn both sag in relief.
"But how did she figure out you are here in Seattle?" Finn asks after a moment of thought. "You said you changed your number and deleted your social media accounts, right? Did you ever talk about coming here?"
"No," Jannah says, her voice a soft, frightened whisper. "I don't know how she found me."
But there is something else, Rey senses. She can see it in the flicker of her friend's face, the nervous darting of her eyes. Something she isn't saying. Rey touches her shoulder lightly and presses.
"What is it? What are you afraid to say?"
"It...might be my fault."
"What do you mean?"
Jannah sucks in another long breath of air, cringing even as she confesses. "I logged into my HoloNet account a couple days ago."
"You did?" Finn asked, his voice knife-sharp. "Why?"
"I just — I just wanted to check on Phas. I needed to know if she...killed herself...like she always threatened she'd do if I left. I needed to know. Or if she hadn't, I needed to know where she was. You can't see when people are looking at your profile, so I thought there was no way she'd know. She's so bad with technology anyway. It's not like she could figure out that I logged in at all, let alone where from — right? Only HoloNet has that data. I didn't even post or anything. I just looked at her profile, confirmed she was alive and still posting from home, and then I got off rightaway. I would have even used a VPN, but I was on a work computer. I didn't think anything of it, but...now? This doesn't seem like a coincidence."
No, it doesn't.
Rey chews her lip. She can't blame Jannah for being unable to resist a quick check-in. After all, she'd been with her partner for a long time and it was only natural that she'd want to ease her worry that the woman was dead. Phas could not possibly have gleaned Jannah's whereabouts from that...but still...
Rey doesn't really know too much about HoloNet logistics. It is the current dominant social network. Years ago Facebook and Twitter became overrun with neo-nazis and incels, and people with better sensibilities began to slowly migrate over to the newer, nicer HoloNet. The user interface was fresh and fun, far more friendly too, and within a few years both Facebook and Twitter had followed Myspace into the graveyard of utter obsolescence.
But HoloNet is a trap everyone had willingly walked into. It is owned by Empire, and they mine their users' data mercilessly. They are constantly in trouble with the FTC over their abuse of power, but everybody has become far too dependent on the social network to carry through with their threats to quit it, and so no real punishment is ever meted out.
Rey doesn't have an account, which is why she doesn't know too much more about it than its history. Mando absolutely forbade her from ever making one, and she didn't challenge him on it. She was one of the only people in her whole high school who didn't. It was just another thing that made it difficult for her to fit in.
"Are you sure Phas is as bad with tech stuff as you believe?" Rey asks after a moment.
Jannah looks around helplessly. "I thought so! She was seriously so useless. I had to help her with everything! Even sending a file to the printer. But maybe she was faking it? She was really manipulative. Or maybe she's desperate enough to figure it out?"
"I mean," Finn mutters, clearly disturbed, "I don't know how someone could just figure out how to access your data like that without working for Holo or Empire directly. Or maybe knowing someone who does."
A light clicks on in Rey's mind and her body goes very still. She knows someone who works for Empire. Someone who doesn't just work for Empire, but is ranked so high up there is certainly no information that is not accessible to him. He would probably know how data is processed and who can view it.
She feels sick at the thought of contacting him. Her heart is instantly in her throat, a lump of lodged emotion, humiliation and anger and hunger and sorrow and need.
"I don't know what she'll do if she can confirm that I am here," Jannah says softly, fearfully.
It's enough. If it'll help Jannah be safe, Rey will set aside her own feelings and reach out to him.
She stands up and drifts away from her friends, scrolling through her contacts. Her finger hovers over Ben's name. She grits her teeth, shoves down the choked sound threatening to gurgle from her, and taps it.
Even as the sound of the other end ringing echoes in her ear, she wonders if it would have been easier to text him. No, she knows it would have been easier to text him. Dammit, why didn't she think of that? Why was her first thought to call him?
Maybe he won't pick up. After all, he's probably even more angry than she is about what happened yesterday.
He picks up.
"Checking to see if I'm still here?" he asks without greeting, and his voice washes over her like rich and warm dark chocolate, answering her question about why she wanted to call.
She almost gasps at the physical reaction it evokes in her. Instead she grips the phone a little tighter and swallows. "What?"
There's a pause on his end, and then he says flatly, "I saw you."
"Saw me..." It takes her half a second, but then she remembers Han's apartment. "Oh."
"Don't play dumb. I know you saw me too."
"You chose the wrong car to try to blend in."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm planning to be here all night if I need to."
"That's..." she sighs. He sounds so hostile. She can't blame him. "Thanks for the heads up."
"Are you going to back off?"
"I'm not coming back tonight. But I take it you're not just talking about that. The answer is no." She sits at the counter, dropping her head into her hand. "You know why I can't."
"And you know why I can't either."
Rey wants to throw her phone across the room. She wants to scream. The urge to throttle him is back. Why does he have to be so difficult? Why does he have to act like they didn't spend a really good day together, skirting around something they were both drawn to but afraid of?
Because she hurt him, she realizes.
"Why did you call, Rey?" he asks coldly.
And she resents the way her heart skips a beat at the sound of her name in that melted chocolate voice of his, even if he is being icy and distant.
"I need your help."
"With what?"
"I need some information about HoloNet data usage."
"Better get a lawyer."
That throws her off, and her head jerks up from her hand. "I'm sorry?"
"Are you really that disconnected from the news? HoloNet data usage is a hot button issue right now. And I don't think it falls under your purview as a pseudo-law enforcement agent."
"It doesn't." She frowns, glancing at Finn, who has gotten up to heat up some water, no doubt in preparation for some sort of tea to comfort Jannah. Finn is thoughtful like that. "I just need to know about something specific."
"So this isn't an emergency?"
"Emergency?"
"You're not in trouble?"
"No! I'm fine, I..." she shakes her head. "It's not an emergency."
"So this is just a favor? I didn't realize we were doing favors for each other now. You made your opinion of me pretty clear."
"Don't do that," she growls into the phone, her heart throbbing with a flare of pain. "I'm not interested in hashing that out right now. Can you help me or not?"
"You still haven't said what you need help with."
"You haven't given me the opportunity!" she bursts, drawing a concerned look from Finn. She takes a deep breath and steadies herself, saying very calmly and deliberately, "I just need to know how the average luddite would be able to see someone else's login data, like location."
There's a long silence. She doesn't know what it means.
Eventually, Ben says with bemusement, "You don't have an account. I don't think you need to worry about anyone tracking you."
"I — how do you know I don't have an account?"
"Rey."
So she's not the only one who did a little googling when they first met. She pushes this information, and whatever implications it might have, aside and forges ahead. "Okay, well it's not for me. It's for my roommate."
"That's not really enough context for me to be useful."
"But it's not really my story to tell."
There's an exasperated sound on his end. "I'm not asking for the story, just enough so I know specifically what you need."
Finn leans against the cupboards as the tea kettle heats up behind him, folding his arms and staring at her. Jannah is also watching, apparently tuning in. Rey blushes and looks down at the counter as she quickly gives Ben the barest of bare-bones explanations.
"Who?" Finn mouthes.
Rey shakes her head at him.
Finally, after she finishes and another long pause blooms between them, Ben says, "I'll look into it."
She exhales in relief. "Thank you."
"Rey..."
"What?"
"I shouldn't, but I will trust you if you say I can go home tonight. You promise you're not coming back?"
A beat, an ache, and then, "I promise. He's safe tonight. Go home."
"Okay," he says. And then, awkwardly, as if he doesn't know how to end it, "Bye."
"Bye," she whispers.
And then he is gone again, slipped away like sand through her fingers.
She doesn't even have time to mourn the loss when suddenly Finn and Jannah are both on her with questions. Chief among them: Who was that?
"It's..." she stumbles over her answer. "That guy, the son of my fugitive. He's an exec at Empire. I thought he could maybe figure out if Jannah's login was the thing that tipped off Phas."
Jannah's brow furrows in confusion. "You think he'll help you?"
"He said he would."
"Why?"
That was too hard to explain, so Rey glances at Finn, who is giving her a crazy look. "What the hell, Rey? How are you meeting these people? Luke Skywalker? Empire execs? How do you have these influential connections and you've only been here for less than two weeks?"
"It's a really small sphere of people who all happen to be connected to each other," she admits. "It's not that crazy."
Jannah is quiet. The tea kettle starts squealing so Finn quickly preps her tea and brings it to her. She leaves it to steep while she looks at Rey and says after a moment, "Thank you. For trying to help."
"Hopefully he can at least learn enough to take that worry off your mind," Rey says. "And if Phas figures it out and shows up, we'll deal with it."
"You won't be here," Jannah observes, and it sounds like a reproach.
The truth of that lands with sickening impact, and the air leaves Rey as if she'd been punched in the gut. She isn't really part of Jannah's life at all. She's merely a temporary visitor, here and gone again like the fleeting days of autumn.
"But I will be," Finn says. "And so will Poe and Zorri. We won't let anything happen to you."
Jannah gives him a small smile.
He tosses his head towards the TV. "Come on, let's get our minds off of it. The game is no big deal, let's pick a movie instead. Something light-hearted and funny?"
"Yes, please," Jannah says with relief, her smile widening into a grin.
Rey follows them numbly. There's so much she doesn't want to think about, and all of it sits heavily on her chest. The rest of the night does little to ease it. They pick a new comedy about some quiet scientist guy and the fiery spy girl who is forced to work with him, and it doesn't matter how wrong they are for each other, their outrageous hijinks do the work of wooing them and they end up together by the end.
It's funny enough to be distracting, but Rey doesn't feel any better by the end of it.
Two days later, her reluctance has finally solidified into terrible resolve. It's time to take action. She wakes up early, showering and heading out the door before anyone else is even up. She is afraid of accidentally running in to Ben again, so she limits her wandering to only a couple stops — a cafe for breakfast, and a little international market where she picks up some candies that remind her of Dyn and Mando. After that she heads to Han's shop to sit and wait for him to arrive.
It's a long wait.
Unlike the last few days, the weather looks promising, like it'll be another bath of sunlight. She can't decide if that's better or worse. The rain was so stupidly cliche. But the sun makes her think of Ben and his luminous smile and the warmth of his jacket under her as they roared through the streets.
On the water, fishing boats are returning from the pre-dawn expeditions, the ferries haul their commuting passengers, and huge cargo ships are maneuvering in and out of the docks. Life here has begun for the day.
Rey sinks into the calming rhythm of this morning bustle, breathing deeply the smell of the salty sound and distant trees mingled with asphalt, trying to clear her mind. She hasn't heard back from Ben yet. Part of her is relieved. She wants to make sure Jannah is safe, or do as much as she can before she has to leave, but since the threat doesn't seem imminent, she'd rather not salt the tiny cuts she still wears from what happened in his office.
In the meantime, she has decided to stop agonizing over the Han situation. She's been half-wishing Ben would just get over his issues with his father and tell him — warn him — about Rey. To give him the chance to run. But apparently that hasn't happened, because every day Han is still there at the shop, greeting her with affectionate, dry humor and whatever tools she needs to work on the van. He isn't running away, and so she has continued to delay. But she's done with that now. She has to just do this. Han's court date is looming and if he misses it and she fails to bring him in within the grace period, Griff will be out all that money and then both she and Mando will be in huge trouble.
And besides, as she told Ben, she has to do this. Because of her goal. Because of Mando.
"You okay, kiddo?" Han asks a couple hours later when she finally crosses the street and starts working on his car again. Chuy is there, as he always is, but she wasn't planning on ending this that very morning. She has a plan.
A terrible act of betrayal, but a plan nonetheless.
She glances up, pulling herself out of her own head and glancing at Han. He leans against the back of the car, looking down at her.
"Yeah," she says, rallying an unconvincing smile. "Sorry. Just lost in thought."
"You seem to be doing that a lot lately," he observes. "Something on your mind?"
She clears her throat and looks away. "A bit, yeah."
"Come on, then." He sighs in a big exaggerated huff, as if this is such an inconvenience, drawing from her a more genuine smile. He shuts the rear hatch leading to the engine block. "Let's get this over with."
Rey laughs, and it feels good. She follows him up the steps and into the shop. Chuy is there, his big meaty fingers tapping slowly over the keys on their office computer. He munches a bowl of popcorn and hums a tuneless thing, eyes barely flicking up from the screen when they enter. He gives her a nod.
"Don't mind him," Han says dismissively. "Just dealing with some of our suppliers. I told him I'm a much better negotiator, but he's insisting on doing it himself. I just hope he doesn't cost us."
Chuy barks a sardonic laugh. "You're a terrible negotiator. I always have to fix up your messes."
Han's chest puffs in indignation. "I am not! And no you don't."
Chuy chuckles.
Han pulls over a couple stools on wheels and snags two sodas out of the mini-fridge behind the front desk. He motions at Rey.
"Sit down and tell me what's bugging you. Trouble at work?"
"Sort of," she says as she sits.
"Hear that?" Han says to Chuy, his eyebrows lifting. "She's unhappy. Maybe now is our chance to poach her and bring her on board."
She grins, but a flash of guilt and pain flicker through her and it falls away again quickly. Han is so frustratingly likeable. He's not making it any easier for her to betray him. She bites her lip as everything she's keeping bottled up inside pushes against her ribs, trying to erupt past the lump in her throat and come spilling out in full confession. But she can't do that.
She can, however, give him pieces of the truth.
"I'm sort of stuck," she says with a slow release of air. "I'm supposed to do something, but I know it will hurt the people I've grown to care about. It doesn't feel right to go through with it, but I can't go back on my word either. I'm not sure where the high road is here."
Han nods. "Yep, I've been there before. Sometimes there is no damn high road. Sometimes either way you go sucks."
"Yeah," Rey says softly. "That's what this feels like."
"So I take it from your vagueness that you aren't interested in giving me details."
"Not really. It's so complicated."
"Okay, well without knowing your situation here, my advice for you kiddo is that you should honor your word. You're young. You might be able to get away with a few mistakes. But it's important to establish yourself as dependable and honest, before you become a corrupted old scoundrel like me."
He laughs. Chuy laughs.
Rey wants to, but her laughter has sputtered out into a thin wisp of smoke. Han wouldn't be giving her this advice if he knew that it meant his own undoing. "You think I should, even if my word will hurt someone I care about?"
"Is it the right thing to do?"
"I don't know! I thought we just covered that in the whole thing about high roads. I think it is, but it feels wrong."
He rubs his stubbly chin. "I'm really not an expert at these things. In fact, I'm probably whatever the opposite of an expert is. A total ignoramus, maybe. Now Leia, my wife, she always seems to know what the right thing to do at any given moment is. Strong moral compass, that one."
It's the first time Han has mentioned his wife by name, even though she heard it from Luke already. Rey looks at him in surprise.
He offers a gruff laugh of acknowledgement. "Yeah, yeah. I got a wife. She doesn't like me too much, though. We haven't spoken in a while."
"Why not?" Rey asks, confident that he won't be offended by her prying.
He isn't. "Oh, you know. People grow apart. Love stories don't end at happily every after in real life. You gotta keep living together and annoying the bejeezus out of each other."
It's as obvious a deflection as Rey has ever heard, but she won't call him out on it. She doesn't feel the need to ferret out Han's secrets the way she does with his son.
"I'm sorry," she says instead.
He waves her off. "Not your fault, kid, and it's not important. Leia would definitely tell you to stick to your word. And she's probably right. Whatever it is, Rey, you'd better do it. If these people care about you as much as you care about them, they'll understand."
Rey's gaze drops to her lap and she scrubs at her eyes with her heels, sighing wearily. "I don't know. I have a tendency to get more attached to people than they are to me, so I doubt it."
Chuy makes a low growling sound of disapproval, chiming in. "You should not be throwing your heart at boys who don't treat it well."
"Boys? Who said anything about boys?" Han shoots his friend a wild look. "When did this become about that?"
Rey does laugh then, because it catches her off guard. "I wasn't exactly talking about a boy, Chuy. But I guess you're intuitive because there is one. I haven't exactly thrown my heart at him. But I did think we understood each other. Turns out I was wrong."
Han points at her and his eyes narrow. "Be careful. Men are pigs. Take it from me, I'd know. I am one."
She laughs again, and the perpetual knot in her chest is momentarily forgotten. Chuy agrees that Han is a pig, but he is much more respectful. Han argues. They bicker good-naturedly for a moment, and then Chuy starts regaling them with the story of how he wooed his wife. The mood lightens considerably.
By the time Rey is ready to leave, she has almost forgotten what was weighing so heavily on her when she got up this morning. But it comes crashing back down the moment Han asks if she'll be back tomorrow.
"I..." she pauses, and her hearts thuds rebelliously, furiously, against her ribs. "Actually, I was wondering if you could meet me tomorrow before my shift. I saw a little shop by my apartment that sells different kinds of bobble toys. You can't have a sixties Westie without a hulu dancer or some other kind of bobble on the dash. But it's your car, so you should pick it out."
Han gives her one of his crooked grins. "Okay, deal. Where's it at?"
"Here." She finds a notepad and scribbles down her address. "Meet me out front and we can walk together. I have other questions I could use your advice on."
"Chuy can't come," Han warns, "if you're hoping for his advice too. He's got to be here in the morning. He's more romantic than I am, if you have questions about the boy."
"No," she says. She knew Chuy wouldn't be. She knows their routines very well by now, and she knows that Chuy receives and sends shipments every morning. "They're not. And it's okay if he doesn't come."
He chuckles. "Alright then, you got it."
"Meet at ten?"
"Sure."
Rey chews the inside of her cheeks briefly, stifling the overwhelming urge to take it all back and tell him the truth. But she doesn't. He will know the truth soon enough — tomorrow. And by then, it will be too late to run. For all of them.
A/N: Big long chapter for today! Next update will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday!
Comment replies:
Kitty Star Shipper: omg thank you so, so, so much! That made my whole week. There will be more reylo fluff ahead too, even if the ship has hit some rocky shoals at the moment :)
Hartmannclan: Aww, haha I'm sorry to break your heart! But yes, I promise that everything will be fixed.
Guest1: Thank you! I'm pleased it worked on the emotional level. All your questions will be answered, and we will see happy Ben again! They've both got to sort out their nonsense and then they'll be fully ready for each other.
Guest2: Haha! Your review came in right as I was proofing this chapter! Sorry to keep you hanging a little longer, I was going to update yesterday but work needed me to do some weekend hours and I was brain dead by the end.