a/n: it's a long one. buckle up.
chapter fifteen: see you around
That night Rey returns to the apartment and announces to her friends that she will be leaving in the morning. Finn and Poe both react with dismay and protest. Zorri immediately declares they will be going out to a nice dinner all together to make her last night memorable. Jannah hugs her tight and says nothing at all. The evening is wildly fun, even with Rey's heart still caught in a vice, even with the reproachful looks of regret she keeps getting from everyone now and then. Zorri skillfully crafts a night of revelry in which nobody has too much time to think about the bitterness of an impending goodbye. She even manages to get Rey to think about something other than Ben and Han, which feels like nothing short of a miracle.
In the morning, Zorri and Poe get up extra early to make a lavish breakfast for everyone. But the carefree feelings from the night before are gone, and Rey's eyes well up with tears when she emerges from the room, packed and ready to go, to see the beautiful spread. She can barely eat what they've made, with her stomach full of knots. Still, she loves them for having done it.
And the worst part of it comes when Jannah leaves for work. She hugs her and says that she loves Rey, that she always will, that she doesn't want Rey to go but that she hopes they can see each other again soon.
The only person in Rey's life who has ever said the word love to her is Dyn. It's all she's ever wanted, and now, realizing that she has it with this woman who has become something like a sister to her, breaks her. It's worse a few minutes later when Rose sends her a goodbye text and says the same thing. Rey wants to throw all her belongings back in her shared room with Jannah and tell Mando she's never coming back. The impulse is so strong, she almost, almost does it.
Leaving is a terrible mistake.
A mistake Ben tried to get her to realize a few days ago. But the pull towards her family, the people she wanted to be her family anyway, is still tugging at her. And she needs to hold Dyn again. As much as her friends love her, they can't fill the void where Mando should be.
When all is said and done, Rey finds herself once again sitting on the boulder outside the apartment building, waiting for Han. Her belongings are in her car, and her mind is occupied with the memory of sitting in this same spot the morning Ben came to pick her up. It aches, so she tries to set it aside. Her heart feels like a lump of cold iron in her chest.
Getting back to Mando and Dyn will be a relief. All of this will fade into a surreal memory, and life as she's known it for the last ten years will resume. As complicated and dissatisfying as it was, it isn't as difficult as all of this.
The day is sunny and beautiful yet again. A fine final morning, whispering to her of ferries and forests and bookstore coffee shops. And of a boy with dark eyes and a shy smile.
And then Ben is there. Not just in memory, but really there. Like her thoughts can conjure him. His car pulls up, purring in that deep, throaty way it has, and he gets out.
Rey panics.
She scrambles off the rock. Han is due any second, and she does not want Ben here for this part. The betrayal. Did he know? Is that why he came? Is he here to stop her? How did he know?
He seems surprised to see her. When he approaches, a pale yellow file folder in his hands, he says with mild amusement, "Do you actually live in this building, or do you just hang out homeless outside of it?"
Part of Rey wants to smile. Even to laugh a little at the quip. But an icy hand is squeezing her heart and her breath fails her when she tries to make any sound.
He lifts a brow. "Are you alright?"
"Uh-huh," she manages to gasp.
"You sure? You've gone really pale."
She swallows, her glance falling to the folder in his hands instead of his face. "What are you doing here?" she asks softly.
"I have the information you wanted." He hands her the folder. "About your friend. Turns out her ex does have an insider doing her dirty work. She's been involved with Hux in a really twisted on-again-off-again relationship for over a decade. Even while she was with your roommate. I found some of their emails." He grimaced. "And now I'm scarred for life. But the point is, he's been pulling data at her request and feeding it to her. When your roommate logged in, he saw immediately and sent her the information. I've compiled everything I found and included a sworn affidavit that I believe them both to be a threat to her safety. That should help her get a restraining order, if she wants it."
Rey stares at him, her mouth parting in shock, and very quickly it becomes impossible to see him for the tears welling in her eyes. Whatever control she's barely clinging to dissolves and she launches herself at him, pressing her face into his enormous chest as she wraps her arms around him.
He stumbles a little at the force of her embrace, his body going rigid beneath her, as if he doesn't know what to do with himself.
"Thank you," she says into him, her voice breaking around a choked sob. "Ben. Thank you."
Carefully, gently, he takes hold of her shoulders and pulls her away from him, pushing her back a step. His narrow face, beautiful and sharp, softened only by those lips she so badly wants to taste, stills in a look of concern.
"You're not alright. What's going on?"
She wipes at her eyes and shakes her head. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I really appreciate this. You didn't owe me this favor, but you did it, and I —"
I don't deserve it. The words die in her throat before she can say them. She opens the folder, flipping through the pages, her hands shaking. She doesn't want this white flag right now. She needs him to be angry and hostile so that the part that comes next will be easier. His kindness has pierced right through her.
A flutter of movement catches her attention, and she glances down the sidewalk. Her whole soul drops out of her body in absolute horror when she sees the familiar figure walking towards them, his crinkled hazel eyes widening as he takes in the scene.
She shoves the folder back to Ben's hands and seizes him, turning him so that he is facing away from his father. "Go," she says urgently. "I need you to take this upstairs for me. Take this to apartment 1138."
"What?" he says, baffled.
"Zorri is there. She can hang on to the folder for Jannah."
But it's too late.
"Ben?" Han says in frank surprise.
God, no. Not now.
Ben's whole body jerks immediately at the sound, like lightning has cracked through him. He stiffens and turns, his face flickering through a myriad of emotions as he observes his father materializing here beside them.
"Rey?" Han looks to her for explanation, since his son seems shocked into silence.
But Ben isn't too shocked to realize what's happening. He turns to Rey too, but she doesn't know what horrible thing has taken hold of his expression because she can't meet his eye.
She looks at Han instead. "H-hi," she says miserably.
"What's going on?" Han asks. "Ben, what are you doing here?"
But Ben ignores his father. "Really?" he says to Rey, low and chilly.
"I'm sorry," she whispers again. "I'm so sorry."
"You're a traitor."
"Ben," she pleads, but doesn't know what she wants from him. Maybe for him to understand. She must follow through on her commitment. He's always known that. Whatever has changed between them, this hasn't, even if it feels like a wretched choice now. A monstrous choice. The wrong choice.
"No," he says harshly. "Don't do that. Don't say it like that. You can't manipulate me for sympathy points."
She flinches. "I'm not trying to. I know this hurts you, and I wish there were another way."
"There is. You could forget it."
"If it's not me, it will be somebody else, Ben. Stopping me doesn't stop what's coming."
"I don't care. At least it won't be you who's done it. You could walk away from this."
"I can't!" she cries, frustrated now. "I'm not like you. I can't just turn my back on everything!"
"He doesn't deserve your loyalty," he snarls. "Your failed father figure. You think you need him, but you don't. Cut him off. Be your own damn person."
"Me? What about you? You rip out every person who cares for you, like they're weeds. You're running away from their expectations and hiding in resentment instead of becoming who you want to be."
"Hey!" Han barks, cutting into their increasingly emotional argument. It's starting to play out like what happened in his office again, and Rey feels like she's falling to pieces. "Son, tell me what's going on."
Ben steels himself and finally faces his father. "I'm here to protect you."
"From what?" Han asks, a single brow lifting as his gaze darts around in bewilderment.
All the kindness is gone from Ben now. When he looks at Rey again, all she can see is a stranger. Furious and hostile.
Shebattles back another wave of tears threatening to break through the cracks in her hastily build shield of anger. She isn't angry at all, really. She can't be. Not at him. She's guilty and hurt and all of it is so unbearable she wants to flee.
"Wait," Han says, glancing between them and their mutual deadly glares. "You two? Rey, he's your boy trouble?"
A hot breath of air bursts through Ben's nose and he steps between his father and Rey, pushing Han back a little. "Dad, she isn't what you think she is. She's been lying to you."
Han leans around his son and points at Rey. "I told you men are trouble. And somehow you went and got all involved with this joker? Of all the people in the whole city?"
Rey sucks in a draught of air, trying to get a hold of herself, trying to reel in her heaving emotions. "Han," she starts.
But Ben cuts her off. "Dad, you're not listening to me."
Han looks back at his son. The child with whom, by their own mutual admission, he's not had much of a relationship in years. His face softens and his shoulders fall. "Alright, son. I'm listening. Tell me."
"She's a bounty hunter. She's only been getting close to you so she can get you away from Chuy and arrest you."
Rey's stomach clenches and she can't remember how to breathe at all. This is the moment she's been dreading for weeks now. Her hand strays to her taser, the pain in her throat sharpening. She doesn't want to take Han by force. She doesn't want to put electric prongs into Ben's chest and send him spasming onto the ground. She doesn't want to see him like that. This can't end in such an ugly scene. But she will if she has to because she's come too far to turn back now.
But then a strange thing happens. Han gives Ben that crooked little smile that is so characteristic of him.
"I know," he says.
Ben jerks backwards as if his father had just slapped him. "You do?"
"You do?" Rey echoes, aghast.
Han chuckles. "You kids think this is my first time around the block. I've been at this game longer than either of you have been alive."
Ben is looking at his father like he's suddenly a stranger. "How long have you known?"
"The whole time. Since she followed Chuy and me to the old tunnel," he replies easily.
Rey makes a choked sound.
"Why," she asks helplessly, "Why did you let me hang around so much?"
Han shrugs. "I liked you. You're not the normal types they send after me, not by a longshot. So you were a curiosity, for one. And two, your talent with the cars is not an act. That's real stuff. I figured I'd let you get your fill of whatever it is you needed, and then when you were ready, we'd do this."
He motions in the air between them.
Rey gapes, speechless.
Ben stares too, though his astonishment quickly becomes tinged with outrage. "You came here today knowing what she planned to do?"
"Sure."
"Why?" He sounds both suspicious, and somehow, lost and childlike. "Why wouldn't you run?"
Han smiles now, soft and rueful. "Do you know why I came back to the country?"
"You always come back eventually. I just assume you make more money here."
"Nope. Actually Russia is a much better market, believe it or not," Han laughs. "The pay is way better. I've always come back for you. And this time, I decided to come back for good."
This blow sends Ben reeling, and he inhales a sharp, unsteady breath.
Han continues. "I want to be here for you. I'm sorry I didn't do that before. I failed you by being so absent. I know I can't make up for any of that, so I haven't pushed you to have a relationship with me. But I'm not going anywhere now. I'll be here whenever you're ready."
He touches Ben's cheek briefly. And then his hand falls away, and he gently moves Ben aside, coming up beside Rey. He holds out his loose fists, ready for her to cuff him. "Let's go, kiddo."
Rey stares at his face, searching, astonished, wanting to know so much more than he's saying. Dazedly she pulls the handcuffs out of her back pocket and flicks them open.
"No!" Ben says sharply, reaching.
But Rey anticipates him this time and yanks them just out of his grasp before he can snatch them with those giant lightning hands of his.
Han turns to Ben with a discouraging look. "Ben, you have to let it happen."
"No I don't," Ben snaps. "You won't be here for me if you're in jail."
"I'm not going anywhere while I'm in there," Han says simply, that sardonic smile returning. "You could come visit if you want. I'll have all the time in the world."
"I can't let her take you," Ben says, quieter now. And Rey stares at him, trembling, because there is a hitch in his voice, furious at it is, and his eyes are suddenly glistening.
"I know, son," Han says gently, giving him a pat. "Rey needs to do her job. It's okay. As soon as I get out, I'm coming right back here. If you want, we can try to rebuild what we broke a long time ago. If you don't, that's okay too. I'll still be right here."
"Dad," Ben says miserably.
Han turns back to Rey and lifts his hands again. "We're burning daylight, short stuff."
Rey's own tears are spilling generously and traitorously as she puts the cuffs back in her pockets. She doesn't even try to wipe them away. "If you're coming voluntarily," she manages to say, "I don't need to put them on."
Han's arms drop to his sides and he nods. "Okay then. Where's this hunk of junk car you've got?"
"It's in the lot," Rey motions.
"And you're sure it'll make it all the way?" Han teases.
She nods, the faintest, weakest of smiles coaxed out by his attempts at light-heartedness. But then she glances at Ben again.
He looks like a man who has just watched his dog get run over. She's never seen him so stricken. Another overwhelming urge to comfort him rises up, but she can't. She can't do anything for him at all.
"Rey," he chokes. "Please."
She wants to put her lips to his cheek, to reassure him, to remind him that she cares. But it would be the kiss of Judas, and so she doesn't. Instead she just looks at him in anguish, her lower lip trembling, and whispers, "I'm sorry, Ben."
Then she and Han are walking away from him, and every step further tears away more pieces of her soul and leaves them drifting behind her.
xxx
Han sits in the front seat.
Rey knows he isn't going to be violent, so she doesn't make him get in the caged back. She shouldn't have wasted the expense of having it installed, but then, she hadn't known he would surrender himself so easily. And since this will be her life now, she will inevitably pick up a few uncooperative skips in the future.
They do not speak for the first hour of their journey. Rey is still rattled from the scene outside the apartment building, haunted by the expression on Ben's face and the knowledge that she'd just left him there in that devastation. She doesn't really know what to say to Han now.
As for Han, he sits there comfortably, like he's perfectly at ease, just casually pondering the city as it falls away. But he is never this quiet, so she knows he must have more on his mind than he's letting on.
Finally, when she needs to escape the wretchedness of her own head, Rey asks softly, "You really knew what I was the whole time?"
"Yep," says Han. "Don't let it kill your confidence. I've had a lot of practice spotting your kind. Though you were kinda different, I'll admit."
"Did you know Ben was keeping an eye on you too?" she presses, disregarding his commentary. She'll have to process the implications of being found out later, when a little self-reflection is in order. Right now she loathes herself too much for honest assessment.
"Now that one did come as a surprise to me," he admits. "How'd he do it? I never saw him hanging around."
"He has cameras."
Han whistles. "Wow, the kid was motivated, huh?"
Rey doesn't know what to say to this. Thinking about Ben brings a fresh wave of sorrow to this car trip, and she doesn't know what to do with it, so she sits in silence and watches the road dip into open countrysides.
"So how did you two meet?" Han asks. "Because that was also a big surprise."
So Rey tells him. More or less. She tells him the basic timeline, about the tunnel and the alleyway, about the impromptu rideshare, and running into him at the market, and Ben coming to the shop for a windshield repair. She even tells Han about Empire, and how she thought Ben was ready to break away, to make his own future. Her voice wavers when she tells him about that part. She keeps back the most personal details. The coffee shop. Their conversation in the woods. Ben's muddled confession at Empire. There are things she doesn't want to share with him. But they ring in the empty spaces between her words anyway, and she's pretty sure Han can draw his own conclusions from what she doesn't say.
She also tells him about meeting Luke, and the hostile relationship between nephew and uncle.
Han sighs heavily at that part.
"Yeah," he admits. "Sending him to Luke was a mistake. We thought it would be the best thing for him. Leia and I were struggling to know how to help him. He was just angry all the time. And Leia, she loves him so much, but she's bound to her duty and honor in a way none of the rest of us can compete with. It's not selfishness, really, or career-obsessed. I don't know, it's hard to explain. But Ben needed her, and she wasn't there for him. She tried to make a place for him in her world, but he didn't go for that. And I didn't know how to be a father, really. It was easy when he was little, but as he got older…"
Han trails off, shaking his head. "I didn't know how to relate to him. Leia and Luke were determined to bring him on board, and I figured I'd only corrupt him, because I am the wrong person for that kind of life. So I stepped back and did my own thing. That is my fault. I thought he'd be better off without me."
"He isn't," Rey says softly.
Han sighs, rubbing a hand through the stubble on his cheek. "Yeah well. You can come in and see that as an outsider, but it took me way too long to figure it out. I really thought Luke would be a better example than me. He isn't as directly involved in the day to day operations of their business, so Leia and I figured he'd have more time for Ben. He was totally open to it when we asked. Excited, even. But I don't know what happened. It just fell apart, year after year, getting worse and worse. Finally after graduate school, Ben cut us all off completely."
Rey wishes they'd stop talking about this, because it doesn't make her feel any better. In fact, it makes her feel worse. Her eyes sting with tears again and she is angry at herself for how much she's been crying today.
Han looks at her, and she knows he can see it. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "It's okay to talk about what you're feeling, kiddo. You'll get no judgement from me."
As if her heart had just been waiting for the permission, all her emotions boil into an eruptive rage.
"You want to know what I'm feeling? You want the truth? I'm trying to convince myself I don't hate you," she breaks, fire gushing out of her at the words, rising like flames over her skin. "Screw all of you. You all have the thing I've been wanting all my life. Do you know how long I've wanted a real father? God, a mother? I can't — and there are more of you than that! An uncle. Grandparents. I've wished every single day of my entire life for a family who loves each other. But you all just threw it away, each of you, treating each other like acquaintances you can just pick up and set down again at your leisure, playthings when you want them, nuisances to discard when you don't. You're all so focused on your own shit that you don't see each other. You stayed in your own worlds, instead of making one together. And you taught Ben to do the same thing, so that's what he did with you. You're all trash, Han. All of you. You're all garbage and I don't want what you have. I don't."
She's shaking with anger and suppressed sobs by the end, and she feels absolutely stupid for getting so worked up. She wipes her eyes furiously, trying to maintain focus on the road. It's the only thing she can do to hang on to any sense of reality.
Han doesn't say anything, and she doesn't know if he's offended or not.
The minutes tick by in extended silence. He stares out the window. Rey feels no impulse to put him at ease or soften the lash of her words. Let him stew in it. She lets her emotions flow until they are spent, and then slowly gets a hold of herself. The silence goes on and on, so she flicks on the radio to fill it. She lands on an 60's/70's station, and settles in to the bittersweet melody of Diary by Bread, nursing some measure of comfort out of the wrenching lyrics.
Han snorts softly. "Your taste in music is kind of dated, pup."
She shoots him a look and turns the volume up.
He chuckles and falls silent again.
After they stop for lunch and get back on the road, he finally addresses her rant. He clears his throat and says, "Turns out you're right."
It's been so long, Rey isn't even sure what they're talking about anymore. She licks the salt from the fries off her fingertips. "About what?"
"My family. Ben. He's a good kid. We all failed him. We're all complicit."
She nods. Then concedes reluctantly, "What you're doing here is a good first step to healing."
Han smirks. "You couldn't have caught me if I hadn't let you, you know."
She wants to argue that point, but she's pretty sure he's right. If he's had her pinned from the very beginning, she probably isn't much of a skiptracer.
"How long do you think they'll lock you up for?" she asks instead.
"Hard to say," he says with a nonchalant shrug.
"I mean, it'll look good to the judge that I'll be able to say you surrendered yourself willingly." She's not sure if she's trying to make him feel better, or herself.
He laughs gruffly. "A small reward for doing the right thing, I suppose."
It is difficult to maintain raw emotion for long, and once it begins to wear off, the trip becomes almost pleasant. Eventually Han takes a turn for the social, becoming downright chatty. Without pretenses between them, he opens up about several previously untouched topics. He talks about the other aspects of his business that he wouldn't share with her before, for one. Turns out that along with smuggling electronics, he sometimes smuggles humans out of indentured servitude in massive Empire factories overseas and brings them to family members in the US. He buys girls and children from traffickers and sets them free into support systems when they arrive. He does do other things too, like exotic animals, which are far less noble causes, but Rey realizes that most of Han's illicit activities are a benefit to his fellow humans. It makes her feel worse about taking him to jail over it.
She remembers the boxes of smuggled goods in the tunnel, though, and remembers that Empire was not the only company being robbed from. "But why SI electronics too? That's your own wife's company."
Han picks his teeth from the beef jerky he'd been snacking on. "Leia does what she can to minimize the corruption of a massive corporation, but once you reach a certain size, corruption sneaks in anyway. Letting me skim a little product here and there helps ease her conscience, I think. SI products are priced out of reach for a lot of people. So I siphon off a little bit and make them accessible to a strata of consumers that she and all her bigwigs can't accommodate."
"So she knows?" Rey's eyes widen.
"Kinda. It's sort of a don't-ask, don't-tell scenario. She knows that she doesn't want to know."
Rey thinks about Ben and his willful ignorance to Han's smuggling of Empire products too. He doesn't look the other way to mitigate some sense of corporate guilt, she knows, but rather a more personal motivation.
"Leia must care about you," she says softly.
"We drive each other crazy," Han chuckles. "For better or for worse."
Rey smiles fleetingly at this. "You know, I've met your whole family now except for her. I'm incredibly curious about her."
"She'd like you," he says confidently. "And if you can get along with Ben, you can handle her. The two of them are a lot alike. They're crazy motivated, with a drive and intensity I don't understand, made even spicier by a hot temper. They're both scary smart, too. And they both have an undeniable soft spot for gutter rats like us."
Some of the residual ache in Rey's chest diminishes a bit at this assessment, the way Han claims her as being like him, invoking their shared orphaned pasts. And it comforts her a little, how he thinks they can still deserve the love of these two creatures of royalty.
Love. Why did she think that word? That isn't right for what strange forces are at work between herself and Ben...is it? Surely not.
"She resisted it at first," Han is busy saying, caught up now in the throes of memory. "That soft spot. She hated me at first, pretty sure. Luke and I met, and he hired me to come work at SI on some automotive projects. That's when I met Leia. She was gorgeous, but oh boy, she was a prickly one."
Rey doesn't dare interrupt him as he lapses into comfortable storytelling mode, painting for her the illustration of a man struggling and failing to fit in with a corporate world, earning the distaste of the heiress of the Skywalker fortune. He told her about the truly spectacular arguments they would get into, the names Leia would call him, the sparks that always flew. Until one day he kissed her, and then all the defenses crumbled and they fell heedlessly into a probably ill-advised love affair. A wild love, not tame enough to keep them together, but strong enough to linger even into today.
"Yeah. We still feel it," he says ruefully. "Even though I left SI, and things with Ben got tough, and I checked out. We grew apart, but it's still there. Maybe if we both committed, we could make it work again. The fire hasn't gone out. That's why we don't get a divorce."
Rey doesn't want that kind of love. She rejects it. It's sweet, she supposes, in its way. But it isn't enough to fill the void in her heart. It isn't strong enough to keep a family glued together. So she wants none of it. Almost unwillingly, her thoughts are pulled back to Ben. Did he too want better than what his parents had?
They don't stop for the night. Rey drives as long as she can, but when her mind begins to slip into dream states while she's still awake, she announces her intention to find a motel. That's when Han takes over, insisting she sleep while he drives. She tries to argue. He says he slept the last couple hours before, so he's pretty well rested.
Rey looks at him like he's crazy, volunteering to drive himself to jail. But she's too tired to figure out if this is the dumbest idea ever, so she gives in and lets him drive until morning.
It's extremely comforting. She feels safe, and childlike. It reminds her of being on the road with Mando, listening to him crunch ice and tune in to late night AM radio programs about the paranormal and metaphysical, chuckling softly to himself about people who think they've been abducted by aliens. Han finds the same program and keeps the volume on low so as not to disturb her. He snickers a quiet cadence of laughter at one caller who claims he's married to a 500 year old ghost. Rey smiles lazily in her sleep and drifts off again.
In the morning, she takes over after they stop for breakfast at a diner. Han is chatty again. Apparently he thought of a lot more things he wanted to say during the night. He tells her about what Ben was like as a child, and about Chuy's family, and about Luke as a young man. When he's exhausted that topic, he starts to tell her about some of his strange adventures when he's gone traveling abroad — anything he can think of, really. Rey sends a quick text to Mando to let him know she'd be home in a few hours, and then they get back on the road.
The minute the car starts humming over the highway though, Han zonks out and snores for the rest of the trip.
When they finally drop out of Wyoming and into Colorado, familiar cities and open farmlands leading them steadily on to Denver, Rey can't help an overwhelming surge of relief. Almost there, she tells herself. Almost.
Han wakes up when the traffic gets gnarled and congested right before the city. He stretches and looks around.
"Well, looks like the end of the line is near."
As much as Rey wants badly to be home, she still experiences that lurch of unpleasant realization. The moment is nearly upon them, the one where she'll take Han into the police station and leave him there. Dread coils in her stomach.
"Han..." she starts, but she doesn't know what she wants to say. She grasps for anything to make this feel better.
Han points at her. "Hey, none of that. We're not gonna spend my last few minutes of freedom moping about my fate."
Rey nods, sucking in a deep breath. "What do you want to talk about, then?"
"How about what you're doing with my kid," he says, grinning. "You told me the academic stuff about how you know each other, but I'm no dummy, Rey. I notice how carefully you talk about him. So, tell me the other stuff."
Her face warms and she throws him an incredulous look. "We've managed to drive for twenty hours without talking about that, and now, in the last twenty minutes, you want to bring this up?"
"You thought you got away with it, I know. But don't worry, twenty minutes it plenty of time."
Rey has to break to allow a merging car to sneak in ahead of her in the traffic snarl. Han has picked his moment well. She can't easily escape this. Still, she dodges. "Well, you're wrong. There isn't other stuff to tell."
"Yeah, I don't believe you. You're not a great liar, Rey."
Her eyes widen at the road. "It's not a lie! Nothing happened between us!"
"Now see, that's a little different. And I can believe that, no problem," Han says, chuckling. "I know my son. He has zero experience with girls. I'm not surprised he was too shy to ever make a move."
Rey's mouth slants in thought, her nose wrinkling. Ben's smile was shy, definitely, but he didn't give off any insecure, afraid-of-girl vibes at all. She wouldn't call him shy. Just comfortably introverted.
"He made some moves," she says, thinking about how deftly he undid her jacket in that first meeting. Her cheeks heat again. With hindsight, she could admit it was kind of sexy, even if it did freak her out at the time. But then again, on the island he was different. He acted like he was nervous to touch her. She adds after some thought, "He could have been really obvious about it and I could have missed it. I'm not great at picking up signals."
He'd told her he liked her, and that it scared him. She doesn't know how far that feeling goes, because they hadn't dared explore it.
"Nah, I doubt he made it obvious. Trust me, that kid is terrible with women. You should have seen him in school. If he had a crush on a girl, he'd sit in his room and write love poems about her. But try to get him to talk to her? It was like he swallowed his own tongue. Drove me crazy."
Rey can't help it. She laughs a little, thinking about charming, charismatic Han trying to give quiet, introverted Ben advice on his fits of puppy love. And there's something irresistibly sweet about the boy he presents, secretly pining and hiding behind his pretty words.
"I never had a crush on anyone," Rey reflects aloud. "I went to a school with a bunch of rich kids. I have no idea what my type is, but it isn't that."
"Y'know, Ben is a rich kid," Han observes.
"Yeah...he is..." she considers this. The Skywalkers have more wealth than all those snobs at her school combined, but if Han is right, then Ben was really different from the stereotypical spoiled asshole white guy she had been surrounded by every day. And she already knows that he'd been quietly suffering his entire adolescence, as she did. Maybe they would have been friends. Maybe they would have been more than friends.
The traffic inches along, a motorcycle weaving deftly through the clogged lanes, and Rey remembers riding with Ben. She glances at Han. "Okay, well here's some evidence that he might not be as inept as you remember. He has a second helmet for his motorcycle. It's smaller, like for women. And his riding jacket has handholds for a passenger."
Han snorts. "Look, I'm not saying its impossible that he's had a girlfriend between the last time I saw him and now, but I'm really not buying it either. I know my son, even if he thinks I don't. I'd be willing to wager my van that the kid is still a virgin. I bet he's never even had a girl on the back of that bike before."
Rey blinks, startled by the forceful assessment. "But then why does he have those things?"
"You rode with him?"
"Yeah."
"Was it a planned event, or impulse?"
"I didn't know we'd be on the bike, but yeah, it was a planned meetup."
"Okay, well that's the answer. I bet he got those things just for you."
Rey wants to stop the car. She wants to stare at Han and demand that he admit he's kidding. But she can't get off the road, so she barely flashes him an outraged look. He has to be messing with her, because if he's not, and if Ben really did do that...
She remembers the tag still hanging in his jacket. A funny feeling squeezes low in her stomach.
"But," she says helplessly, "he said — he said he's been riding since he was —"
"A teenager? Yeah, that's true enough." Han drums his fingers on the arm rest, huffing a soft, gruff laugh in memory. "One of our few good times after he got to be a hormonal mess was when the two of us fixed up his first bike together. Took us a few weeks, but they were good days. He even got his mom to ride with him several times, and trust me that was a huge deal because Leia hates motorcycles. You know, that might've been our last actually happy time as a family."
The last person Ben had on the pillion might have been his mom? Rey can't process this information. She can't even feel a proper pang of wistfulness for the melancholy story he just told. All she can feel is a light-headed sort of desperation.
"So unless he's a completely different person from the kid I know, he doesn't go around with girls on the back of his bike. It wouldn't surprise me at all if you were the first." Han holds up his hands innocently. "Again, I could be wrong. But I doubt it."
He's so cocky in his certainty. But he can't be right — can he? Oh god. And what if he is? What does that mean for her? Some painful, horrified emotion shudders through her that she left Ben standing there, quaking in grief for his father and hurt at her betrayal. She has the terrible, sinking sensation that she has broken something that can't be fixed again.
Something priceless she didn't even know she had.
Han watches her, a brow lifting. "I'm guessing by your silence that you don't have much experience in this arena either."
Rey shakes her head, expelling a breathy, faltering reply."I don't have any at all."
He grins. "Two peas in a pod."
Rey changes lanes and tries to push away the surge of regret and longing. She resents Han for turning the conversation to this, for the strange emotions he has stirred up in talking about his son like this. She grips her steering wheel tighter. "It doesn't matter. None of it. Whatever we were circling, it's over. I'm pretty sure he's never going to forgive me for being the one to take you away."
He shrugs. "We'll see. A lot more experienced men have forgiven a lot less for a pretty face."
They're approaching the exit now. She feels like there are miles yet to go, inching towards it as slowly as they are. "I don't think so. This is a pretty big slap in the face."
"Did you ever lie to him about your purpose in Seattle?"
"No. He figured it out immediately."
"And did you ever tell him that you'd changed your mind?"
"No..."
"Then he's the fool, not you, for assuming a couple nice dates would make you change your whole life. It does sound like Skywalker ego though. And Solo, for that matter," he laughs. "But he's a smart kid in the end. He'll figure it out. I'm sure it'll be fine. If you're the first girl he's ever felt brave enough to put the moves on, you won't be easy to forget."
"Look," Rey says, trying to drag the conversation back in to a place that makes sense. "There's nothing between us, okay? I don't even know if what we did could count as a date. Maybe one time. Possibly two. But still, it's crazy to catch feelings for someone that quickly — isn't it?"
"No. It's not. And you don't have to actually date someone to fall in love with them," Han observes with amusement. "Trust me, I do have experience in this area."
An impatient sound escapes her. If his goal in this conversation was to ease the difficulty of dropping him off at the station, he has succeeded because now she just wants him gone already.
"Since when did you become a romantic anyway?" she mutters.
He laughs. "Hey, forgive me if I have a vested interest in who my kid dances the tangled tango with, especially if he might decide to make her a permanent part of the family. You gotta vet the potential in-laws, Rey. You don't wanna get stuck with someone terrible."
Her face gets so hot that she feels like she's about to burst into flame. She rolls down the window for cool, fresh air as they finally get off the freeway and start winding through the city streets towards the police station, knuckles white on her steering wheel, staring ahead in blank silence.
Han snickers softly.
And then they pull up, the conclusion of their journey arriving abruptly. She leads him inside, still unable to think of anything to say. Han has no trouble, talking genially about how this experience compares to another time when he got arrested in Nevada for stealing from some small, backwater casino. He's an old pro at this, and is nothing but charming to the officers who come to escort him away while Rey fills out the paperwork.
Despite her mortification, it is really difficult to say goodbye. She worries for him, stuck in a cell he willingly walked into.
"Thanks for the ride, kiddo," he says warmly. "It's been fun. I'll see you around."
She almost gives him a hug, but hangs back, uncertain and unhappy. "I really hope we do. I mean that."
"I know you do. And we will." He flashes her his crooked, cocky grin. "Sooner than you think, I bet."
Rey nods, her gaze falling away as the officers lead him out.
Just like that, he's gone. Rey squeezes her fists tight and finishes the paperwork, not allowing herself to think or feel anything about that. It's done. It's over.
And now, she remembers with relief, it's time to go home.
A/N: Things will turn from here on out, climbing back up to our happy place. Hang in there!
Also, I'm sorry I didn't have this up on Wednesday. I got busy writing a couple Valentines-y things that I'll be posting in an hour or two. Just two little one-shots, one as a standalone kind of thing and one as a follow up to my Shadow and Shine story. One is suuuper steamy, borderline smutty (sorry, I generally try to steer clear of that but this particular one-shot begged to be lemony) and the other is tame and sweet.