A/N: Buckle up, this gon' be a long one! We're clocked in at just under 9k words, so double a normal chapter. But I thought we could all use some fluffy goodness after several chapters of angst. Enjoy the sweet reward.
chapter nineteen: truth is
They sit in silence for the first five minutes.
Rey was determined to make him be the first to speak when she got in. She wanted him to be the one to explain himself without her having to ask, or maybe be the first one to bring up the elephant in the... car.
But he doesn't.
And after only five minutes, she can't bear the awkwardness anymore. At least, it's awkward for her. She has no idea how he's feeling about it because his face is hard to read and his body language is just relaxed enough to be amiguous.
So she props her elbow up on the side of the door and says, "So is this going to be another one of those times where you just kidnap me and take me to eat somewhere small and obscure?
This wins her the smallest of smirks.
"I never kidnapped you. You always came willingly."
"If you say so. But in all these excursions, you've never asked if I had plans, you just hijack my time willy-nilly."
"Did you have plans for this evening?" He glances at her, a single brow lifting.
"Little late to ask. But yes, I did."
"Well, now you don't."
His rich voice is mild and casual, but she could swear there's a hidden chuckle in there somewhere. She angles her body towards him and squints suspiciously.
"So that's what's happening now, then? The kidnapping and eating thing?"
"Something like that," he hums. "Except the eating part."
"Too bad," she decides. "I could eat."
She does feel a little hungry — her last bite was while they were still on the road to Seattle — but more than hunger she feels a twinge of disappointment. Her favorite times have been when he shows her his secret places. But she can't complain too much. She's here, with him, when she didn't expect to really ever see him again. And he's not acting like a man she betrayed and hurt. He's acting like…Ben. Like the man who showed up at Niima and insisted on sitting there while they fixed his car. Strange, implacable, desperately magnetic.
And his car smells even better than she remembers. There's the buttery new car smell of his fine leather seats, but also the subtle notes of whatever cologne he's got on. Probably expensive, because Ben doesn't seem to do anything by half. It's working for her. In a big way. It keeps lulling her into a sense of pleasure and comfort, even though her mind is fighting to remind her that they haven't spoken since everything fell apart, and there are a lot of other feelings she should be having instead.
"Probably best if you don't tell me that," he rumbles. "I'm likely to cave and get you food, and they made me promise not to."
"Who's 'they'?" Her eyes widen.
"Your friends." He gets this sly sort of look that makes her suspicious all over again. "Or Rose, rather. On behalf of your other friends."
"What?" She scoots against the seatbelt, shifting uncomfortably. "You've been talking to Rose?"
"She has been my useful liaison, yes. Although I wouldn't call it talking so much as conspiring."
"Conspiring!" At this she bolts upright. "No, wait, hang on. No conspiracies. No, no. No more surprises, Ben."
That does make him chuckle then, and the sound is so warm and delicious it makes her breath catch for more reasons than just his little revelation.
"Why no more surprises?"
"First," she says, "You don't reply to any of my messages, so I come here with no expectation of seeing you, yet here you are, acting like everything is normal. That's already a pretty big surprise. And now I find out you're scheming with Rose for some nefarious purpose? That, after that stunt Rose and your father pulled with the shop, and the car, and you showing up. It's all wonderful and amazing and I can't even begin to express what it all means to me, but forgive me if I'm a little overwhelmed."
He pulls into a parking lot and shuts the car off. She looks around for the first time. They're at a marina. The fanciest boats she's ever seen occupy the several dozen slips, and there is a guarded gate allowing access to the dock.
He unclips his seatbelt and turns to face her. It's awkward with how big his body is in this sleek, trim car. Still, when he levels her with those fathomless eyes, she forgets how cramped it is and feels like she's being pulled into some infinite cosmos.
"You're right," he says softly. "It's a lot. Would you like me to tell you what happens next?"
She nods. "Please."
"You and I are going out there," he points out to the docks. "To my boat. If you're not scared, I'll take us out onto the water, to a scenic spot. We will…talk. Or not. Whatever makes you more comfortable. I don't intend to force you to clear the air if you don't want to. Afterwards, I might take you somewhere new to show you something, if you want. When Rose and I collaborated, I told her I wanted you for the afternoon. She told your friends, and they decided to use the opportunity to surprise you. So I'm supposed to kill time until evening. At six, we're going back. You should send the address of your new shop to your guardian. Rose said he and the kid were coming with you. Tell them where it is and when to be there. Your friends are putting together a…a barbecue, I guess. An asado? A cookout. I don't know, they're bringing food and grilling it there."
Rey blinks at him, lips parting in disbelief. "What?"
"Dinner at the garage. With your friends. It wasn't really my first choice, but they were pretty eager." Ben's eyes roves her face, assessing her reaction. "Is that okay?"
"Um.." she says softly, a little dazed.
Quickly and deftly, as is his style, he's taken one of her hands in his, enormous and hot against her skin. They haven't touched since his office, and it feels…like coming home.
"Rey, we didn't mean to overwhelm you. When you said you were coming back...I knew you'd probably told some of your other people too. So I found Rose, and she confirmed it, and said everyone wanted to do something special for you. We just figured it out together. Your news kind of had this effect on everyone. And I…"
He trails off.
She looks at their hands. His milk pale skin. Her golden tan. His enormous, thick fingers gently wrapped around her slender, angular ones. She wants to know what he was going to say next. But his mouth closes and traps whatever it was inside him.
"It's okay," she breathes softly when he doesn't go on. She looks back up at him, and he is watching her still, so intently. She smiles. "Yeah. It's great."
"Are you glad I told you? Or sad the surprise is ruined."
"No!" She shakes her head and laughs a little. "No, I am not sad. Thank you for telling me. I'd rather know, and be excited as well as prepared. I really don't think I can take any more shocks to the system today."
He grins fleetingly. "Noted."
"I was excited to see everyone, but I didn't think I would get this kind of reception."
Ben's expression softens, and his voice drops too. "Your friends love you. They were eager to show it. And…my dad too."
"Will he be there tonight?" she asks. "Will you?"
"That was the plan."
"Good." She grins. "I meant for Mando and Dyn to meet them all today anyway. I guess that means he'll get to meet everyone, you and your dad included."
Ben blinks at her, and she has no idea the meaning of whatever expression just flashed momentarily in those opaque eyes of his. Then he pulls the key from the ignition and gets out. She follows suit.
The marina clearly caters to a wealthy breed of mariners, she decides as they check in at the gate house and then walk out among the covered moorings and big flashy boats. Rey trips along after Ben, a step behind because she can't stop looking around at the gleaming yachts and big meaty trawlers. She doesn't know enough about boats to identify them the way she can cars or motorcycles. A couple of employees in crisp white uniforms come out of an office and greet Ben. He issues a few quick instructions Rey doesn't catch.
"You said you have a boat?" she asks him as he leads her down a particular row of sparkling prows.
"I do. I sort of grew up on the water. My parents have one, and they thought they could persuade me to branch out a bit if I got into sport boating in high school. It didn't take. I never competed or anything. But I guess some little bit of it stuck with me because one of the first things I bought after starting at Empire was my own pocket cruiser. I think I planned to take it to far-flung places, but it didn't happen. Still, I enjoy getting out on the water from time to time. It's something I can do alone, and you know how I feel about activities that facilitate solitude."
She grins. "Yeah, I do."
He stops suddenly and motions. The boat in the slip is much, much tinier than the behemoths around it, but it bears a resemblance nonetheless. It has a sleek black hull, from the keel to the gunnel, where it then switches to white, and a jutting, upthrust prow with a chrome railing wrapped around the deck. The cabin looks spacious, despite the small size of the vessel, and when Ben hops up onto the stern, Rey is surprised to find even he doesn't look too large for it.
He holds out his hand to help her on. When she takes it, he gives her a smile that is so soft it makes her breath catch in her chest.
"Welcome aboard," he says gently, not letting go even as he backs towards the cabin.
She doesn't want him to let go of her. She never wants that again.
But these are things she can't or won't say out loud, so instead she ventures a shy grin. "Thanks? I've never been on a boat this small before. Only big things like ferries."
He gives her hands reassuring squeeze. "Tell me if you hate it and want to get off."
"Okay."
There's so much they need to talk about. Clear the air, he'd said. But right now, for whatever reason, none of it seems to matter. The wrongs, the hurts, it's all faded to a background breeze while an overwhelming feeling of rightness sweeps into ever other nook and cranny of her mind and heart. She wants to be with him like this always.
And it doesn't scare her this time.
She watches him move about the boat, making preparations, taking a seat across from when he settles at the helm and the dock workers untie them. The boat shudders awake and the engine gurgles behind them. Deftly they glide out of the slip, out of the marina, out into open water. The slower speeds rock them subtly side to side with each rolling wave, gentle like a bassinet. It's more movement than she's ever felt on the water before, and even though it kind of makes her a little dizzy, she finds it an almost pleasant sensation.
"Doing okay?" Ben asks, glancing over at her.
He looks ridiculously attractive with the gray sky and churning slate water out of the open window behind him, running off towards the distant mountains. A breeze slipping in plays with his hair, scattering it over his cheeks when he turns his face towards her.
Rey feels a little silly admiring him like that, but grin anyway. "Yeah."
"Can I open her up, then?"
"Yes."
His mouth spreads in a wild grin of his own, and he eases the throttle forward, standing so he can see as the bow lifts. The engine roars louder behind them and they rocket forward, faster and faster, and Rey feels like she's going to topple backwards until with another push of speed the bow drops and they're level again, positively flying now, skimming over the surface of the water in a sleek line of spray.
She hangs on to the handholds in front of her and revels in the salty sea breeze rushing through the window.
The waves that rocked them before have now become jolting bumps they crack against, but she doesn't mind this either — in fact the speed, the smack of hull against water, and the swirling, foggy sky hanging low over them, blurring the edges of reality, they all give her such a thrill that she laughs, the joy of every moment of this day so far bubbling up in her like little bursts of light, scattering through her laughter.
Ben glances at her again and it's there — one of his rare, glorious smiles.
It makes her laugh more. Every bad thing that came before is washed away. Every good thing left back on shore can wait. Right now, she feels utterly perfect.
Ben crosses over to where the water winds into the forest, in little bays and coves. There, with absolutely no one around to disturb them, he cuts the engine and lets them drift freely in the water. They're still several hundred yards off from shore, but it feels more protected here than out in the middle of the Sound. Protected, and very, very private. The only things around them are silent trees standing guard along the pebbled shore, the vague cry of seagulls coming from somewhere, and the wet sound of water lapping at their hull.
Rey pokes her head out of the window beside her, peeking out at the foamy sea and the big cargo ships beyond. She can see a ferry too, moving between the city stretched out along the opposite shore, and an island she doesn't know. From this vantage, she feels like an observer of human industry, and not a participant in it.
Ben touches her shoulder, and she jerks back inside. "You don't have to hang out the window," he chuckles. "We can go out there, if you want."
He motions to the bow deck.
Rey's eyes illuminate and she nods. "Okay. No horns to scare us this time?"
"No," he snickers.
They go out the back door and around to the side. Ben shows her how to hold the sports rack on top of the cabin and cross the gunnel, scooting heel to heel, until they come to the bow. It isn't hard, but Rey thrills momentarily with the fleeting fear that she will lose her grip and fall backwards into the icy water. As if he knows, Ben puts one of his hands on her lower back and maneuvers with only one of his own, far more comfortable than she is, apparently.
When they're standing there on the flat foredeck of the boat, gently rocking back and forth with the waves once more, Rey experiences another swirl of dizziness and reaches out for something to steady herself. Of course it's Ben who catches her, taking both her hands and leading her over to the railing. He is attentive and aware, and she melts a little at each anticipatory gesture of comfort. This new experience is made infinitely nicer because he is there.
They sit at the edge of the deck, both of them dangling their legs off the side.
They don't say anything at first.
It's beautiful and peaceful here, and Rey doesn't feel anything but comfortable now. Even the silence is fine. Just being with him is enough. The things they need to address still don't seem as important as they did a few days ago. The forest lining the near shore looks breathtakingly green against the misty gray sky. The boat bobs beneath them and she swings her feet back and forth, perfectly at ease.
Eventually, though, Rey breaks the stillness to say softly, "I met your mother."
"I know," he says, his gaze flicking to her as his mouth twitches in vague amusement. "She told me."
Her cheeks warm and she wonders what Leia had said about her, and about their meeting. But she doesn't ask, because it feels childish, and maybe also she's a little afraid of knowing the answer. So instead, she dodges. "She said you quit Empire."
"I did." Now his attention wanders away from her, out towards the trees. "It was a painful moment, but I realized you were right. My promotion wasn't going to change how happy I was there. It wouldn't to fix anything. I was only at that company because I was running from issues with my family. I figured that if my dad could decide to stop running, maybe I could too. I kept asking you to throw away your family like I had mine, but I realized I hadn't at all. They were still influencing my every move. I still wasn't my own person."
"And now you are?" she asks, barely daring the question.
"Starting to be." He draws a deep breath. "Or at least starting the process."
"Yeah…" She looks at the rippling, choppy dark water beneath them and thinks about her own career pivot. "It's going to be a process for sure. But I am really happy you're starting."
He bumps his shoulder against her in a touch of acknowledgement. And then he says with a hint of mischief, "She liked you, you know."
"What?"
"My mom. She liked you."
Rey wrinkles her nose and knows she's blushing again. "Oh. But how did she even decide that? It was a short visit, I made a fool of myself getting emotional about every little thing, and she mostly did all the talking. I was way too intimidated to say much of anything."
He chuckles. "Well, whatever you said was enough. She has this sense about people. I don't know. It's hard to explain. But she can usually tell right away whether someone is worth her time or not. When she got back, we had a family meeting. After, she took me aside and said she talked to you, and she thought you were great. She really liked Dyn, too."
Warmth fizzles pleasantly in Rey's chest. "Dyn loved her. But she did give him candy, so it was an easy victory."
Ben chuckles and she can see a fleeting glimpse of a small boy in his face. She remembers Leia's eyes, and how they were exactly like her son's. That fizzy warmth glows brighter.
Eventually he leans back on his hands and says, "What about you, though? She said you seemed lost when you two spoke. But you're here now, so what changed?"
Rey shifts, drawing her legs up under her, turning around so she's facing the other way now, her back leaning against one of the vertical rail posts. "I was kind of lost. What happened with your father — Ben, I'm so sorry—"
"Don't apologize," he says immediately and firmly, cutting her off. "I don't want you to apologize."
"I need to."
"And I need you to not do that. Please don't." There's a little bit of an edge to his tone that stymies further argument. He gives her a hard look. "I asked what brought you back here, not what took you away."
She lets out a little frustrated sigh. "Okay well…what happened with your father really messed with me. And what you said too. I couldn't bring myself to become a bounty hunter, and since I didn't have that, I felt like I had nothing. But Mando and I talked, and we worked through some things. He admitted that he does want me. Actually, he said he loves me. And we are a family. He just sucks at knowing how to deal with that."
Ben's brow lifts and his face opens up into something sweet and marveling. "Wow. That's…huge."
"It was. It was everything I've needed to hear from him. And he asked me if I wanted to come back here, and as soon as he said it I knew. I knew I did. Even if you were still angry at me. Even if I'd never see you again. I felt more at home here than I ever have, anywhere else. And there were my friends to consider. So he offered to come here, he and Dyn, so that we could still all be together. Because I'm not disposable."
Her voice wavers, so she stops talking before her emotions overwhelm her.
Ben sneaks one of his hands over hers, curling his fingers around hers. When she dares to look at him, he's giving her one of his intense sort of states. "No one who knows you, Rey, can dare to think of you as disposable."
She shivers and leans into him, putting her head against his shoulder because she can't look into that face anymore after he's said something like that. Not without wanting to..do something about it. Or spill out a confession that is altogether much too premature for whatever this thing is between them.
They're quiet again for a while after that.
And then Ben says in a soft murmur, "I'm sorry I never responded to your texts."
She lifts her head. "Why didn't you?"
"At first, because I was angry."
"Yeah…" her voice drops to a whisper, because she knew he was, and she knows why he was, but it still stings a little.
"At you, before, but by the time you texted me I was mostly just angry at myself. Angry and ashamed. And I didn't know what to say. You asking me for advice seemed…ridiculous. What kind of advice could I possibly give? I was a huge mess, and I didn't want to be a toxic presence in your life. And then you said you were coming back, and I really didn't know what to say because..."
He stops, his words cutting off abruptly. She turns to look at him and his throat bobs in a hard swallow. He stares at the water below them.
Rey needs him to go on, but she doesn't press yet.
Ben frowns, his expression distant. "This has all been so confusing, you know? I mean really, Rey, do you feel how crazy this all is?"
When he looks at her for an answer, she nods. "Yes, I do."
He shakes his head. "After you left, I was furious. I blamed you for having the audacity to judge me for my decision regarding Empire, for being weak and bound by your childhood trauma, for having the job you had, for—"
A pink glow rises inexplicably in his cheeks
"—for leaving me, even after we basically bore our souls to each other. I blamed you for a lot, none of which you deserved. It was so stupid. I don't even want to tell you these things, because I know it reveals me for the asshole I am, but you deserve to know. And I hated that even then, it was hard to hold on to my anger. You arrested my father! I had every reason to be outraged. And I tried to be. Even though he turned himself in because of some bullshit about wanting to be here for me — only it turns out, it wasn't bullshit, because ever since he got back, things have been so different."
He's a runaway train now, but she doesn't want to stop him. She won't stop him. He needs to get it out, and she needs to hear every word of it.
"He's actually taking an interest in my life. We talk about things. And he's crazy about you, which also completely sucked, because it was already hard enough to keep you out of my thoughts, and then he got back and started talking about you, bringing you up all the time. Seriously, it started to feel like he had some kind of agenda. So you were fresh in my mind every second and it was pure torture. I wanted to forget you. I needed to forget you. But I couldn't. So when you said you were coming back, I just…"
He pauses, takes a deep breath, and then concludes softly, "Suddenly I wasn't confused anymore."
Rey's heart stops, it stops in her chest. She swears it does, because suddenly she can't breathe and everything is still and silent inside her. The look in Ben's face is incomprehensible, and it makes a sharp, fluttery pain zip through her stomach. She doesn't have to have any special insight into him to know what that look means. He lifts his head and his eyes meet hers, and she exhales a shaky little breath.
He shifts, moving his arm over her, setting his palm against the smooth deck on the other side of her hips, angling his body over her. With his other hand, he traces a knuckle up her arm, his glance flicking from the skin beneath his touch to her face.
"As soon as I knew you were coming back, everything made sense in my head again. And I'm still scared," he admits. "As scared as I was that day on the ferry. Maybe even more now. But I can't — I can't waste even a day. I know what I want. And I think...maybe...you do too."
"I do," she manages to say breathlessly, her heart beating so hard against her ribs, rebelliously trying to break free of her and storm into his own chest. She wants to touch him, to trace the constellations of small moles over his porcelain skin, but she can't actually remember how to move right now.
So he moves instead. He takes her chin, his fingers light and so gentle, his thumb caressing along her jaw.
"It this okay?" he whispers.
She nods, not trusting herself to speak. She is trapped in his ink-dark gaze, and she never wants to be set free.
His attention falls to her lips, and he swallows hard again. Then leans in, his breath just ghosting over her mouth, his nose brushing against the side of hers.
"And this?"
"Yes," she breathes, trying not to tremble.
Then the faintest touch, the lightest feeling of skin meeting skin as his lips just graze hers. "And this?"
"Ben," she gasps in protest, because she's absolutely going to fall over the side of this boat and die if he keeps going like this.
He ends her agony.
Finally the kiss lands. His lips are so soft and gentle, but they're firm too in their resolve, boldly capturing her own. And it's a burst of cold fire that rakes through her, igniting her heart. The hand that had been holding her chin moves now, sliding to the back of her head, to the place where it meets her neck, bracing her so he can kiss her even more insistently. Now her own hands are suddenly in his hair, pulling him against her, and she gasps into his mouth at the shock of what profound certainty moves through her. This is right. This is exactly right.
She can't stop kissing him, ever, because nothing in her whole life has ever felt this right.
At her next breath, his tongue teases into her, and she jolts with the surprise of it. At this he pulls away, despite her squeak of protest, because he is laughing too much to continue.
"Are you alright?" he chuckles, searching her face.
And god, his smile is so beautiful.
"'M wonderful, don't stop," she mumbles, tugging him back and kissing him again, needing to devour that glorious smile. This time when he asks entry, she allows it, and shivers under the foreign feeling of him tasting her in a way that is so intoxicating she can't figure out why she didn't just jump into his arms and kiss him the first time she ever saw him in that tunnel.
When she has to break away for breath, she finds herself laughing. "And to think your father said you didn't have any game."
"What?" he says in sharp dismay, jerking his head back.
"He told me you're shy, bad at flirting, a virgin, and that you hide and write poems instead of making real moves on your crush."
The blush that flushes over Ben's face at that is so fierce it just makes her laugh all over again.
"Oh...great," he mutters.
She kisses his nose. "It's okay," she whispers. "I love that. And for the record...me too."
"Really?" He blinks, a single brow lifting. "I find that hard to believe."
"Why?"
"You're…" he frowns in confusion. "You're luminous. You're like a sunbeam that tried out being human for a day and stayed."
Rey dips her head to hide from the praise in his neck. "Ben."
"I'm serious," he says. "How have you not already had a dozen boyfriends?"
"I'm difficult," she reminds him, laughing. "And I've never been into anyone. Ever. No crushes. I don't have any secret poems hidden in my sock drawer."
He groans. "I'm gonna kill him for mentioning that."
Rey sits back up but doesn't go far. She can't get enough of touching him, so she keeps an arm propped on his shoulder so she can play with the hair near his neck. He's got a hand on her waist now, and she loves it there. She grins. "Really, Ben, I think it's sweet. You don't need to be embarrassed."
"But it is embarrassing. I'm almost thirty and I've never had a girlfriend. That's pathetic, isn't it? I thought women preferred men who knew what they were doing. Men with experience."
"Maybe," she says, shrugging. "I have no idea what the norm is. I just know what I like, and apparently that's you."
This elicits a grin, a hungry growl, and another kiss.
Rey's head is swimming.
"You make me feel whole," Ben whispers. "I've had crushes before, but I've never felt anything like this. It's not a crush. It's so, so different. A crush is someone you think is beautiful, or fierce, or funny, or magnetic. It might have started that way for me, I think the second time I met you, but by the time we left Bainbridge it was all of that, or more than that, it was…it was…"
Whatever he was going to say, Rey doesn't get to hear it.
Because before he can decide which words he wants to use, their boat shudders with a distinct thud and a loud expulsion of air and water erupts across the bow.
Rey jumps, and Ben jumps, and suddenly they're both on their feet. Ben takes her hand and pulls her across the deck, and there, over the starboard side, a long black dorsal fin juts up out of the water attached to a sleek black body just breaking the surface. A white eye patch breaks the darkness of the body sweeping in beside them.
"Orcas," Ben breathes, his eyes lighting up.
And now Rey can't breathe for a whole different reason. Mingled awe and excitement and just the tiniest trace of fear surge up in her chest as two more — three more! — orcas skim the boat. A couple others join them, and another members of the pod bumps against the boat curiously.
"The engine," Ben chokes in realizaton, and suddenly he's gone, dashing away from her, vaulting himself up and sliding on his hip over the roof of the cabin until he drops out of view back onto the stern. Rey tears her attention away from the whales just long enough to see him through the window. He's at the helm again, pressing some kind of button that makes some kind of noise.
Another whale ejects a spray of seawater from its blowhole and Rey gets showered. She squeals and laughs, ducking as if that will somehow minimize the damage.
Ben is back a moment later, grinning like a boy.
"You're soaked," he says.
She laughs.
The orcas investigate the boat a little more, and then take to playing around, rolling just under the surface, flashing their white bellies and smashing their tails against the surface, chasing one another under and around and everywhere. There are five big ones and one baby, and the sight of it tagging along next to its mother makes Rey want to melt into a puddle right there on the deck. She and Ben watch them, transfixed. Ben moves behind her and cuddles up close, his hands on either side of hers on the railing, pressing his chest against her back. It's silly and also intimate and Rey loves it. It makes this impossible moment better.
"People pay a lot of money to go on whale tours without the guarantee they'll actually see any," he says, his deep voice rumbling through his body and hers.
"Did you know they'd be over here?" she asks.
"No. I just came to this spot because I like the view."
"I guess they do too," she laughs.
The pod moves a few meters off, still messing around like they've got nothing important to do.
"You were worried they'd damage the engine?"
Ben leans a little, resting his chin on the top of her head. "I was worried they'd hurt themselves on it. The prop is sharp and they were bumping around, I didn't want them to get cut, so I lifted it. We're not allowed to turn it on until they're at least two hundred yards away anyway."
"They're beautiful," Rey says reverently. And unexpectedly, her mind turns to the cat that doted on Ben in the coffee shop, and how gentle he was with it. He cares about animals. And that, she thinks, it's a very good omen.
The orcas stay nearby for almost an hour, so Rey and Ben are stuck, but it isn't an unpleasant sort of stuck. They settle in and watch the whales and hold hands and pointedly not bother trying to figure out what this shift between them means or what they should call it. It doesn't matter.
Finally the whales swim far enough away that they can go, and then Ben is eager.
"I wanted to show you my new office before we go meet everyone for dinner, so we'll need to hurry."
"Okay," she says, following him back inside. The clouds are thinning by the time they make it back to the marina, and sunlight is almost threatening to break through. Maybe it'll be nice for their cookout, or whatever it is her friends have planned. She is excited to see them, though at the moment it all feels distant and irrelevant. Like the last time she spent the day with Ben, everything that isn't just them fades to the background.
Though when they're back in his car, it occurs to her that even though they know each other in this deeply emotional way, they don't really know each other on a normal acquaintance level.
She settles in to her seat and into a game of questions. "So, now that I let you kiss me, I guess I should probably know more about you."
The way he blushes and grips the steering wheel a little harder is unbelievably charming. "You already know more about me than just about anyone. What else are you missing?"
"Hmm. What's your favorite color?"
"Indigo."
"Indigo!" She laughs. "What kind of answer is that? Who says indigo? Why not just blue?"
"Firstly, because indigo isn't blue. Everywhere you read about it, or try to search it, it comes up differently. Some people think it's purple, some think it's blue, some think it's almost black. It's enigmatic. It's somewhere in the blue-violent range, but everybody has a different idea of what it looks like. And secondly blue is a wide spectrum, and if I say blue, people might think I mean cobalt. Or teal. Or navy. Or sapphire. Or—"
"Okay, okay, I get it, you've got a thing for colors like you've got a thing for books," she grumbles good-naturedly. "Okay, Mister Indigo. What kind of music do you like?"
"Wait, what's your favorite color?" he protests.
"Oh. Umm…I like all colors. But probably something in the green range. Or blue-green range."
He chuckles. "Okay. I can see that."
"Can we move on to the music question now?"
One of his hands flits from the steering wheel to the back of his neck in a gesture that seems oddly self-conscious. "Um, I…like eighties stuff. Don't judge."
She grins, delighted. "No judgement, I promise. I am surprised, though. You kind of seem like you have a strong inner emo."
"Oh, I did." He nods, eyebrows lifting in emphasis. "Middle school and high school? Yeah. I worshipped at the altar of MCR like the best of them."
"You 2k kids and your emo phase," she teases. "Did you go full eyeliner and everything?"
"Hey, I don't have to self incriminate like that."
"I bet your dad will tell me."
"That," he growls, but there is no heat in it, "is not fair."
It's a wild fantasy, the one where she persuades Han — or even Leia, if she ever meets the woman again — to show her pictures of Ben in middle school, but she revels in it anyway. She is absolutely certain he'll look exactly like she expects.
"But you're into eighties stuff now?"
"Yeah. I dunno. A lot of the new music is…boring. It all sounds the same." He shrugs. "But the eighties were so dramatic, you know? Like the music goes so hard. It isn't ashamed to be completely over the top. Guess I'm an old man."
"Well if you're an old man I'm positively ancient, because Mando raised me on a steady diet of sixties stuff, and I still prefer it to anything on the radio now."
They're at a light now, so Ben takes the opportunity to give her a surprised, and then pleased look. "Huh. That's…unexpected."
She grins sheepishly. "Kinda weird, I know."
"My kind of weird," he says with unveiled affection.
She blushes and takes one of his arms, pulling his hand into her lap.
"What is your favorite poem?" He asks her softly.
"Poem?" she snickers. "Who has a favorite poem?"
"I do."
"Of course you do. What's it called?"
"If Everything Happens That Can't be Done, by E.E. Cummings," he says, a grin toying at his plush lips. "And you should really have a favorite poem. I can help you find one, if you want."
She ignores this offer and whips out her phone to googles the title. She taps the first link and reads over it, then frowns and reads over it again. "This poem is nonsense. I have no idea what it means."
He laughs. It's even better than his smile, she decides, the sound of it wrapping her up in a warm blanket. "It's how I feel when I'm around you."
"Crazy?" She wiggles her screen at him. "Because this poem is crazy."
"It's ecstatic," he says. "Deep in the high that does nothing but fall."
She really, honestly, has no idea what to make of that, so instead she peppers him with further questions — about movies and TV shows, learns he likes sci-fi and fantasy and horror, but not sports movies, and surprisingly, absolutely no animal movies. She already knows that he has an affinity for the creative pursuits, but it still makes her laugh when he says he likes seeing any performance, adapted or traditional, of any Shakespeare work.
They park in a structure underneath a beautiful white and glass high-rise right in the heart of downtown, 5th Avenue. It looked new from the outside, and Rey can't even begin to imagine what having an office here would cost. As they park and walk in, locating the elevator, she finally asks the question she should have asked when he told her about leaving Empire.
"So what are you doing now?"
"Walking you up to my office."
"No," she rolls her eyes. "I meant since you quit. Have you decided what to do? Or are you still just living off your investments?"
"Yes," he says.
She shoots him a confused look.
He grins. "I am living off my investments, and will continue to do so indefinitely. I decided to become a venture capitalist. I've got the money to do it, and I love small businesses, so why not?"
Her eyes widen. His passion for his favorite little spots definitely should have clued her in to how perfect he'd be for that sort of thing, but still, this surprises her. "Don't you have to be kind of sharky and ruthless to be a venture capitalist?"
"You don't think I can be?" He smirks, and it's so cocky it's almost pure Han. "I told you, I can be an asshole."
"Yeah, no kidding. I've seen that side of you. But still. I'm not convinced. I've also seen you with those small businesses you love. You're a total softy."
"Don't tell anyone."
She laughs. "My secret."
The elevator arrives and they get in.
"I can be sharky and ruthless with those startups and ideas with high growth potential. For these little ma and pop shops? They'll be my pet projects. Not really money makers, just feel-good money sinks. For those who want to grow, I'll help them succeed, and try to help them preserve their souls while they're at it. And the best part is that it has nothing to do with either of my parents."
That is probably a very good thing. But still, it surprises her.
"Really? You didn't give your dad the startup funds for this new garage?"
"Definitely not," he says. "That was my mom. Sorta. I think she went through a few different channels so she could preserve legal distance from him, but yeah. Part of that family meeting we had was my mom lecturing my dad on cleaning up his act. He's been trying to figure out what he wants to do. When you said you were coming back, I wanted to make sure you had something good to come back to. Something better than that little dive you were working in with Rose. I went to talk to Rose, because I figured she'd been in better communication with you, and she confirmed that you weren't returning as a bail bond agent. My dad said he wanted to give you a job. So we came up with this idea, and my mom figured out the logistics. I think it's the first thing we've tackled as a family since…"
He searches for an answer.
"Since the motorcycle you built with your dad?" she supplies softly.
He looks momentarily surprised, and then thoughtful. "Yeah. Wow."
Rey can't really think of anything to say after that, because she feels curiously close to tears again. That this family she double crossed would pull together in their time of newborn reconciliation to do something this monumentally nice for her? She can't process it. Can't begin to understand why.
As if he can read this thought, he takes her hand and gives it a squeeze.
They get out on the topmost floor. It's a short walk down a little hallway, and then they stop. One of the sets of doubled doors, stainless steel and opaque glass, bears the name SOLO VENTURES in black letters. Rey smirks at it.
"I see whatcha did there," she remarks, tapping a finger to his name.
He smiles a little as he unlocks one of the doors and pulls it open. "Works out nicely, don't you think?"
The office is small, but it is very nice. It smells new, but not like paint. Like fresh carpet and new leather. A deep blue (indigo?) accent wall is the only splash of color in a sea of white and grays. There is a tiny little lounge area with a coffee machine, a couch, two arm chairs, and a coffee table. After that there are two doors across from one another, one to a closed room, one to a clearly visible conference room. The wall between them entirely made of glass, looking out over the city and the water beyond. It faces away from Empire, Rey notes. Behind them, from the other side of the building, they'd be able to see the towering black structures with their red eyes. But Ben has picked his spot strategically so he doesn't have to look at it every day.
"Someday, when I've grown enough to need it, I'll have a desk put in for a receptionist," he's explaining, drawing her out of her thoughts. "For now I'll handle my own affairs. This—"
He walks her over to the conference room. There is a long table with several chairs and an enormous TV screen hanging on one of the walls at the end of the table.
"This is my pitch room. Entrepreneurs can tell me about their ideas here. And over here—"
He opens the door to his own office. And it couldn't be more different from the last time he showed her his workspace.
This one is full of books, she notices immediately. An entire wall is seemingly made up of them. There are plants and pieces of art on the walls, a record player in one corner, and one of those fancy desks that can lift to standing position or lower to accommodate sitting. There's even a succulent on his desk, next to a slim, trim laptop that isn't Empire or SI branded.
Rey drifts among his things, touching everything. Seeing this — that he's made something of his own here — fills her with inexplicable happiness. It is distinctly, wonderfully, Ben.
"It's perfect," she sighs happily, alighting in his chair and giving it a spin, like she did before. The window behind her has the same view as the other — the city and the water in beautiful array.
"It is now," he says contentedly. "It's been missing something. But now I know what it was."
She watches him pick up the laptop and move it to a sideboard. He also picks up the succulent and moves it away as well, tidily putting post-its and pens back into their drawers. "And what was it?"
He holds out his hands to her, and curiously, she puts hers into them. He pulls her to her feet, nudges the chair away with his knee, and then steps into her, and for a wild second she thinks he wants to dance, but then he's pushing her backwards until she bumps into and sits down on his desktop.
This is familiar.
"You," he rumbles, leaning in to capture her lips again.
Rey melts into him, into his kiss, holding his face on either side, lest he try to pull away again. He doesn't though, one hand sliding around the curve of her ribs from her back to her front — his paws are so huge it feels like he's holding half her torso — while the other moves into her hair.
This is so much better than she ever imagined. It's overwhelming and perfect and as easy as falling. She holds onto him for dear life as that last sensation pulls her down into a free descent into something a lot like bliss. Suddenly his poem makes more sense. That high that does nothing but fall. The breathtaking, brilliant assurance of alive we're alive! The deliriously euphoric leaps of her heart make her want to string happy nonsense together too.
Love, she thinks with a faintest thrill of fear.
But Ben must feel something too, because a moment later he breaks away, panting a little, and she startles to see that his eyes are glistening.
"Ben?" she barely whispers.
He leans his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. "Everything was so bad for so long. I just…it's hard to believe this is real. That this isn't just in my head."
"It's real." She brushes her thumbs along his cheeks.
"I don't want to scare you," he murmurs, so softly, sounding positively terrified himself. "And I don't want to ruin this. I know it doesn't make any sense, and I've tried so hard to reason myself out of it but I have to — I can't — I need—" He shifts, nudging apart her legs so he can move all the way between them, stepping in against her, pulling her in tighter, and lets out a little shuddering breath.
And then he speaks again, his voice thick and halting.
"I think I'm in love with you."
It's silent in Rey's head. It's roaring in Rey's head. It's thunder and snow and music and stillness and everything, everything at once.
His words etch themselves across her heart in deep letters of white light. She gasps. It feels like a wound. It feels holy.
"I know," he says, cringing, misreading her shock. "It's too soon to say that. You're only just back, and the last time we talked was so bad, everything was so bad. It was hell while you were gone. I've never felt like that before. And I know, we haven't known each other that long. It's so crazy—"
She stops him with a fierce kiss, yanking him to her and devouring his senseless, nervous words. And it works, because he relaxes against her, and when she finally pulls away with a wet smack of sound, he's not trembling anymore.
"It doesn't," she agrees breathlessly. "It doesn't make any sense. But I feel it too. I didn't think you wanted me to say it, so I was going to wait until you were ready. But I…Ben, I love you too."
"Rey," he invokes, so soft, so reverent.
And then he's kissing her again, deep and hungry and wanting. She wraps her arms around his neck and leans her whole body into him, fitting her thighs to his hips, just like the motorcycle but in reverse now. He holds her to him, and she has never felt so safe, nor so wanted.
xxx
A/N: Coming up next, Ben meets the formidable Dyn. Oh, and everyone else is there too.
(Probably Wednesday the 4th!)
Also, click thru to my profile with a link to a moodboard with the vehicles of this fic (except the motorcycle and the RV because I didn't like how they fit lol). Or go to: /a/idakruw
Update 3/03/20: hey guys! I don't know if I'll get chapter 20 up tomorrow (the 4th) or not because work just heaped a couple of huge deadlines on me so I might be tied up with that. I will try to update but it might not come until Thursday or Friday. But I promise it will come!
Comment replies:
Guest 1: Haha you're timing is always incredible! You always anticipate the next chapter right before I'm about to post it. It's fabulous. And don't worry, I promise not to abandon this fic!
ldyjaydin: Yes! Haha I've loved following your comments as you work through the chapters. So happy you found my fic and thank you so much for your kind words.
Pipin101: I promise I won't abandon it! The "official" story is almost done, and when that ends I'll work on my time travel fic a bit more, but I'll still be posting bonus chapter updates on here too.
sunnygeek: Thank you so, so, so much! You're so sweet. I've loved exploring these characters in this way. I'm happy they're working for you too.
Guest 2: Haha yes!
Guest 3: Hold on to your hat, haha that meeting is up next!
Guest 4: Yesssss men can be perfect in fiction, and they're harder to find that way in real life, for sure. I love that you're enjoying this!
Hartmannclan: Friiiend, the goodboi sweater *sob*