"Eli, please stop and talk to me. What happened, what's going on? Why are you really in New York? You have to talk Eli, you have to." Lenore's face was stern, and her voice loud. I stopped my crying long enough to respond to her, she was right, If I didn't talk I was going to explode. I stood up pulling Lenore up with me, I let go of her and wiped my eyes.
"Lenore, what did Clare say? Before I walked in."
"She came in yelling at me, asking why I did it. I was of course surprised and I asked who she was, and what she was talking about. She said her name was Clare, and then it all came together. She started to blame me for everything that was wrong with you two, and then you walked in before I could really say anything."
"So she didn't say anything about the baby?" Lenore took a small step back and looked down at the ground, she was upset. Maybe talking her about this wasn't the best idea, but I had to talk to someone.
Lenore lifted her head back up with glossy eyes, "Baby. So, there's a baby now. I see. And, that's the problem?"
I grabbed Lenore's hand, "I'm sorry Lenore, I can talk to someone else. I'm being insensitive, forgive me."
"No, it's fine. I'm fine, please go on. I want to be here for you. So the baby, that's what's wrong?" She gave me half smile, and I continued on.
"No, well yes. Really there have been so many problems since I cheated on Clare with you Lenore, and I'm not blaming you. It was my fault. Things got rocky and Clare broke up with me. She turned to Drew Torres, and she had sex with him. Things got ugly, and I didn't even know this baby was mine until recently. After I found out, Clare had already decided she wanted to give the baby away. I came here to find Clare, and to stop her. I think the rest is obvious, I couldn't stop her. She hates me, and she doesn't believe that I can be a good father. I can be a good dad, I know I can. She's going to give our baby away Lenore, I am losing everything that I love." I hadn't realized I was yelling everything I was saying, my eyes were wide with rage and Lenore was looking at me like I was crazy.
"Eli you are young, maybe this is for the best. I know you don't want that to be the case, but we cant control everything in life. No matter how many times you profess your love, Clare is going to do what Clare thinks Is best. I tried so hard to make you love me back, but in the end I couldn't make you feel something you didn't feel. That's life."
"Lenore, I cared abut you. I really liked you, but being with you when I was still attached to Clare was wrong and unfair to you."
"Well, the past is the past. Sometimes we have to move on, like it or not, and Eli...you have to let go. I say this because I care, you will never be able to be happy holding onto something already gone."
Lenore was wrong, I wasn't going to be happy. If I didn't have Clare, I could never be again. She was right about one thing though, I had to let go. I had to let go so that Clare could be happy. I walked towards the door and grabbed the door handle, "I know that I have to let go Lenore, but before I do that I have to say bye. I'm going to see Clare one last time. Thank you Lenore, for always being there even though I don't deserve it 99% of the time." Lenore gave me half smile, but her eyes were still full of sadness. I felt guilty. "I did miss you ya know, I don't have a lot of friends back home since I moved. It means a lot."
Lenore walked towards me and kissed me on the cheek, I was going to say something, but she put her finer over my mouth, "Don't say anything, go do what you need to do. When you come back I'll be here. Just like I always am. I'm not asking anything because I know you can't promise me the things I want right now, but I'm going to be here. No matter what. Just know that." I nodded my head and walked away, I didn't know what to say. I had to let go of Clare because I had no choice, but that didn't mean I didn't love her. I was hurt and confused, but I would always love Clare. I wasn't sure I'd be able to give my heart to Lenore or anyone else ever again. Truth be told part of me was still hoping that when I went to say goodbye, Clare would change her mind. I the front door and pulled out my phone to call her, and after two rings she answered.
"Eli, I wont change my mind. Please stop. You and I are not good together, we would only confuse our child. Stop calling." Her voice was so hostile, I didn't know how much more hurt I could take.
"That's not why I'm calling, I need to see you. It's important, please." My voice was pleading, and Clare sighed.
"Ok, I'll send you the address I'm staying at. I cant talk long, I have that meeting."
"Alright, I'll see you there." I hung up the phone feeling dry, dry of tears and emotions. I couldn't cry anymore, I had to do what Lenore said. She was right, all I have ever wanted was for Clare to be happy. I had to do what was best for her, no matter the pain it caused me. Clare sent me the address of the hotel she was staying at, and I called a taxi. I arrived there within minutes. I asked the front desk for her room number, and took the elevator. Everything was in slow motion, I felt like I was on my way to my funeral, and I guess I was. I knocked on door 303, and Clare opened the door. She was dressed like she was going to a business meeting, not to meet our babies new parents. She had her favorite blue blazer on, a black skirt to her knees, and heels. She was beautiful.
"Eli, are you going to come in?
I walked in trying to keep calm and remember why I had come, I couldn't retract on the plan now. "Clare, I came to say goodbye." Clare's eyes widened in surprise, and she sat on the bed.
"Bye? Are you going back to Toronto already?"
"No, I mean goodbye to you. For the first time in our relationship I'm going to do what's best for you, and give you what you want. I have always fought to keep us together, and now I realize that's not what's best this time. I have to accept your decision regarding our son, I have no choice but to."
"Eli, are you serious? This isn't some part of a crazy plan?"
"No, I'm not playing any games this time."
Clare looked down at the floor, and began fiddling with her hands, "So, what now?"
"Now I say Goodbye. Clare Edwards, I loved you. If you take nothing away from this, take that. I don't want you to ever hate me like you said, or for you to feel like we were never really in love."
"I'm sorry Eli, that's just how I feel." I stared at her eyes for some sign of emotion, for a flicker of the Clare I knew, but there was nothing. She blinked at me, keeping a straight face.
"Well, that may be how you feel, and even though it hurts I have to accept it. You can hate me for the rest of your life, but I will never hate you. I meant everything I ever said, but I understand now that our love story is over. I made a lot of mistakes, but everything I ever did was because I loved you."
Clare's face had been unchanged, "Eli, I have the meeting."
"I know, I know. I just want to say goodbye to the little guy, if that's ok?"
Clare looked away from me and nodded her head, "Yeah, go ahead Elijah."
I knelt down in front of Clare and put my hand on her stomach, this was going to be the hardest thing I ever had to do. My hands were sweaty, and every part of me wanted to change my mind. I held those emotions in though, and I said goodbye, "Hey little man. It's your dad, Eli. I did some research and I know you have ears, so I need you to listen to me really carefully ok. I love you. I want you to always know that ok, I never want you to wonder how I felt about you. I know you wont remember what I'm saying to you right now, so I wrote it all down before I came over here. I'm going to give it to your mom, and I hope one day your new parents will let you read it. I'm going to think about you everyday, and you'll always be in my heart. Mom and I are really young right now and we don't have everything together, but I want you to know we both love you and just want what's best for you son. Never stop dreaming, and always be a good boy. You're already the greatest joy of my life, I will never stop loving you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I hope you someday know just how much." I hadn't noticed the tears on my cheeks, until Clare wiped them away. I looked up at her, and she was crying too. I kissed her belly and stood up, handing her the letter. "So I guess, that's it."
"Yeah, I guess so." Clare looked away from me still wiping away her tears.
"I hope you give them that letter, It would mean everything to me. I deserve that at least."
"Ok, I will. I have to go Eli." I looked at Clare, my heart was broken. She was so matter of fact about everything, if it hadn't been for her tears I would have thought she was completely unaffected. Clare stood up and walked me to her door, I walked out into the hall taking one last look at her.
"Clare, you would have been a great mom. With or without me, you could have done it alone, and probably blindfolded. Anytime you set your mind to something, It works out. I hope one day you have children, and that everything you ever wanted comes true. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the things you wanted." I kissed her on the forehead letting my lips linger for a moment before pulling away. "Goodbye Blue eye's." I closed the door, not letting myself look back. I didn't let myself break down until I got back into the taxi cab, the driver kept looking at me through his mirror, but I didn't care. I was alone in the world again. I was lost.
Hey guy's. I feel like I've been an updating machine, _-_ I am losing sleeeeep lol. So I may not be updating for a few days. Anyways, please let me know what you guy's think so far. Your input means the world ya'll. Good or bad :-)