Are we ready for the conversation of a life time?! Because I'm not sure I am. Here's hoping I don't write a lot more pain before we're done!

I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Don't have just yet, but keep a look out as they'll pop up eventually.

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Leaning against a small rock formation Deeks stared out at the ocean watching the waves glistening in the sunlight as they swept across the sand. It was a sight that he had seen a thousand times and yet never failed to bring a smile to his lips.

There had been a time in his life when he would go to the beach at least once a day, sometimes more if he could get away with it. He'd just sit there watching the waves forgetting about how much ugliness he had seen that day. It never failed to bring a sense of peace to his mind.

It was something that he had learned to appreciate when he was a kid. The knowledge that no matter what happened with his parents he'd always have the beach had gotten him through some scary times back then.

He could still remember dodging punches and hate-filled words as he ran to the only safe place he had known at the time. When he could feel the sand beneath his feet, see the water go for miles, taste the salt on his tongue, he knew nothing could hurt him.

As he grew up it became his retreat away from the horrors that he had seen the day. For just a moment it was as if the blood and anger washed away and there was nothing else. It was peace and safety as far as the eye could see.

It was also something that he hadn't done in awhile. It wasn't as if he hadn't been to the beach. That was still something that he did as often as he possibly could. It was just that it was more of a family thing now.

He had been the one to teach both Isabelle and Wesley to swim. He was even teaching them both how to surf. Which was a lot of fun and he truly loved every second of it. There was nothing like sharing that part of his life with them.

It was just nothing like what he was used to doing either. When he was with the kids he never had a moment where he could clear his mind and just be. He had to be watching them to make sure that no one was close to dying or burning or disappearing or…

At some point in time he knew that he was aware that kids could find trouble and danger in every situation. It was a never ending train of him just wondering what was going to go wrong that day. So, so much worry. It was tiring.

At the moment in time though he didn't have to think like that. The kids were spending the next few days with Kensi leaving him and Callen alone. All alone. Well, alone together. He wasn't sure why that sent a wave of fear through him but it did.

Alright, so he knew exactly why that fear was there. He just didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to enjoy the peace and calm for one moment. Just one moment where he got to be himself instead of 'Dad'.

Which he knew was a part of the problem. It had been a long time since he did something for himself and even longer since he did something for his husband. It just seemed impossible to have to the time to do all of it and the kids needed him.

Closing his eyes he dropped his head back so he could feel the sun warm his face. Callen was going to be back at any moment with the tacos and he would have to face the world around him once more. That could wait another moment though.

Taking a series of slow, deep breaths he let himself fully relax as the warmth filled him. The smile grew on his lips as he buried his fingers and feet into the sand letting himself be surrounded by the feeling.

In the back of his mind he remembered every other time he had been in that very position. He couldn't count the amount of times he ended up falling asleep exactly like that. It wasn't the most comfortable, but he despite being out in the open he never felt more safe. Even when the world was crashing down around him.

Closing his eyes he laid there letting his mind run wherever it pleased. At least he tried to. For some reason he couldn't think of anything to think of. That didn't make any sense. Yet it was very much not the first time it had happened.

He didn't know exactly how to explain it. It wasn't as if he wasn't thinking. There was almost always something that needed his attention. It was just when he stopped to breathe and try to figure things out that his mind stopped.

Not really wanting to try to figure that out at the moment Deeks let out a sigh and sat up fully waiting for his eyes to readjust. The slightly cloudy blue sky slowly came into view only to be obscured by a bag appearing in front of him.

Blinking a few times he looked up and saw Callen smiling down at him the sun lighting behind him almost like a halo. He looked absolutely beautiful and he couldn't remember the last time he had thought of his husband that way.

Once upon a time that had been his first thought whenever his eyes happened upon the older man. That and how lucky he was to have someone as wonderful and strong as G Callen in his life. And he was lucky.

Ever since the man had first entered his life Deeks had been in awe of him. There weren't many people out there that could go through what he went through and still come out as a good person. Hell, he had seen people got dark side for a lot less.

It was something that he always looked up to in the man. Though now that he was thinking about it he wasn't sure that he had ever told his husband that he felt that way. It wasn't really ever something that they talked about.

Suddenly Callen dropped to his knees leaving him blinded once more. With a shake of his head he looked back at the man only to see a worried look on his face. That was very much not something that he missed. He had always hated having that look in his direction.

Sadly, it was also one that he was used to getting. Any time people found out that he was deaf their first reaction was to look at him with worry and pity. Like he was puppy abandoned in the middle of the road for dead.

"Are you okay?" Callen signed after putting the food down.

"Yeah," Deeks replied instantly an all too fake his smile coming to his lips.

Callen looked as if he wanted to argue with him about that, but instead he nodded his head and moved so he was sitting next to him staring out at the ocean. Deeks felt himself deflate slightly though he didn't know what he was expecting to happen.

There had been a time when Callen would never let him get away with something like that. If something was bothering either of them than they talked about it. At least they confronted the other so they both knew something was wrong. In that moment, a part of him wished that the man had pushed him to get some answers.

It wasn't that he wanted to start a fight, in truth that was the last thing he wanted, but at the same time it felt as if the man was always holding back with him. Callen had always been the one to say that he could do more than what he was doing.

For awhile after he lost his hearing everyone held back with him and he had understood that. Hell, he had held back too. It was completely understandable. It was also understandable that it eventually stopped happening.

Well, it stopped happening with everyone other than his husband. There were points in time when Deeks was sure that Callen was finally starting to see him for who he was instead of someone that needed to be protected. That never lasted long though.

As soon as whatever situation they happened to have found themselves in was over it was as if the man completely forgot everything that had just happened. Deeks was back to being someone that had to be taken care of instead of the adult he was. Something that never failed to piss him off in the worst kind of way.

Like so many times before he forced himself to take a deep breath to hold back the anger that surged in him. The last thing he wanted to do was start a fight when they were meant to be talking. Which was going to happen. Eventually.

Tapping his finger against his leg Deeks tried to force himself to look out at the ocean waiting to see what the other man would do. It wasn't long though before he found his attention being pulled back to Callen wondering what he was thinking.

He looked so calm. At least he thought he looked calm. There had been a point in time when he could read the man at a glance. It was something that had taken a long time to master, but he had been proud of that fact.

He loved knowing that he knew someone well enough that he could look at them and know what was going on with them. That was only made all the more when it was Callen he had learned how to read.

The man was easily one of the most closed off people he knew. Even to to people that he was close with he had a tendency to build a wall between them. He had been so used to being alone and having to protect himself it was second nature.

At least he had been able to do that at one point in time. Deeks couldn't say when he stopped doing that or when he stopped caring that he couldn't read his husband. All he knew was sitting there he felt lost.

Sighing he dropped his head to his chest trying to hide how brokenhearted he felt. It was clear in that moment just how far their relationship had fallen. Once upon a time he had thought they had the type of relationship that was going to last.

Now they were sitting on the beach trying to figure out a way to get back to where they could even function. At least they were supposed to be doing that. The longer they sat there though the more he began to question if they were just biding time until the kids came back home.

As much as he hated to admit it the longer that they sat there the more he began to wonder if maybe Callen had been right. After everything they had been through together it was possible that they might not be destined to stay together.

When they were at the house he had wanted nothing more than to be able to reassure the man that things were going to be fine. That was what the two of them had always done though. They always put on a brave face and tried to survive.

Swallowing roughly he turned so he was fully facing the older man. For a moment he simply sat there watching his husband trying to figure out what he wanted to say. The longer he stayed there the more he wanted to forget what they were supposed to be doing.

With the knowledge that they wouldn't talk if they didn't start soon he reached out and brushed his fingers against Callen's forearm drawing them away again almost instantly. Sky blue eyes turned to him a moment later.

Callen stared at him before turning to him as well a barely there smile tugging on his lips as he got comfortable. Deeks could see the emotions swirling in the mans eyes, but he couldn't begin to figure out what he was thinking.

"Ready to eat?" Callen signed his eyes going to the bag.

"No," Deeks forced himself to reply though all he wanted to do was give in and pretend, "We should..."

"Talk?"

"Yeah."

Even with all of that said neither of them went any further in the conversation. A part of him knew that they were both holding back what was going on in their minds, but there was almost too much there to know where to start.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" Callen offered after a moment.

"No. Yes. I don't know anymore," Deeks sighed feeling himself deflate.

"Hey, we'll figure it out. We have time."

"Do we? Look where time has gotten us, Callen. We always push this off."

"Not this time. We just have to start talking."

"Okay. How?"

Callen lifted his hands as if he was going to sign something else only for them to fall after a second. Shaking his head Deeks ran a hand through his hair. In that moment he wondered if it wouldn't be for the best for him to stand up and walk away.

It wasn't as if they were getting anywhere. It almost felt as if they were just pushing off something that should have happened a long time ago. Then he felt a hand touch his making him lift his head.

"I'm sorry," Callen signed once they were looking at each other, "I don't know how to talk about any of this. I don't know how any of this happened."

"Neither do I," Deeks admitted shaking his head.

"I do know where to start though."

"Where?"

"With the one question neither of us want to ask. Should we try to fix this or do we end it? End us?"