And we're finally getting somewhere in the conversation! It only took a few chapters. My goodness! Aren't we all excited about this? Let's hope the boys can get through this in one piece.

I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Don't have just yet, but keep a look out as they'll pop up eventually.

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Deeks felt as if his entire body was shaking so badly it was about to fall apart. An almost overwhelming need to move crashed over him causing him to climb to his feet and turn away from his husband.

There was a small part of him that wanted nothing more than to take off running down the beach. It wasn't like him to want to run away from something that scared him though. At least it wasn't like the person he used to be.

He had been running away from so many things for so long. Running and hiding had become such a part of him that it felt like second nature at that point. Something that had obviously become so bad that it was hurting his marriage.

Not that Callen ever wanted to admit that. It didn't seem to matter that it wasn't the first time that he had told the other man that exact thing. He never actually believed what he was trying to tell him.

Except this time… This time it felt different than before. Deeks had no words to try to explain why it felt so different than how the conversation normally went. All he knew was that he felt like he was being heard.

For the longest time there had been so many things that he had wanted to say. As much as he hated to admit it he never quite got used to not telling someone every single thing that came into his mind. He just stopped when he lost his hearing.

It didn't seem to matter though. Every time he tried to explain himself lately it felt like nothing was being said. With everything that he wanted, needed, to say all of his thoughts came out jumbled and nothing like what he meant. All he wanted to do was have someone listen to what was going on in his mind. How could anyone understand if he couldn't even say something that made any sense?

They were supposed to be telling each other all of the things that had been bothering them and he couldn't. He couldn't even find the right words to express what what going on in his mind. He was completely useless.

Forcing himself to take a shaky breath to swallow back his tears Deeks turned back to Callen. He didn't know what he was expecting, but seeing the sky blue eyes that always made him feel safe and protected filled with pure and utter anguish was not it.

"I'm sorry," Deeks signed taking a jerky step back, "I'm sorry."

He wasn't able to make it more than a few steps before the older man was standing up and wrapping his hands on his forearms stopping him. Closing his eyes he stood there shaking his head not wanting to see just how badly he was hurting the other man. Not wanting to see how he had failed.

Strong yet gentle fingers gripped his chin pulling his head up but still he kept his eyes shut tight. For a moment they stood there then he felt a barely there kiss being pressed to one eyelid and than the other. Letting out a shaky breath he let his eyes flutter open. Callen gave him a small smile pulling away slightly but not stepping back.

"You're not broken, Sunshine," Callen signed as soon as his attention was on the older man.

"Callen," Deeks tried to start only to stop when the mans eyes narrowed into a glare.

"No, no excuses. Tell me how you could possibly think you're broken."

"How can you not see?"

"Because obviously we're not looking at the same person. You know Marty Deeks. One of the strongest people I've ever met. The man that wouldn't even question sacrificing himself for anyone he thought needed help. The man that always has a smile to give to the people he came across. The man that drives me up a wall half the time. The man that I fall more and more in love with every day. That's who I'm talking about. What about you? Who are you talking about?"

With every words that Callen signed Deeks felt his eyes grow wider and wider. While he had never doubted that his husband loved him the man had never said something like that to him. He had never tried to explain what he loved about him.

"What if..." Deeks started hating how weak he felt, "What if I'm not me anymore?"

He couldn't even begin to explain the fear that infested him every time he questioned that. No matter how hard he tried it felt as if every single time he came even remotely close to feeling like himself again the rug was pulled out from under him.

He had tried so hard to find out the person that he was after he lost his hearing and everything had changed. He just wanted to feel like a person again. Not just for himself either, but for his family. They needed him to be strong. They needed him whole. Yet he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried he failed.

"Deeks," Callen started a rueful smile coming to his lips, "I… I really wish I can say I've never thought the same thing."

The world seemed to come to a stop as the words slowly sunk in. It felt like he had been sucker-punched. In that moment it didn't matter that the very same thoughts had been running in his mind for years. It mattered that his husband felt the same way.

Knowing that the man thought he had changed felt more earth shattering than it had any right to. Callen was supposed to… He didn't actually know if there was a way to finish that sentence. All he knew was that it meant something more coming from him.

"I can't though," Callen continued after a moment unaware of how torn Deeks felt, "I've thought it more than I probably should. I mean, no one can say that you're like the person you used to be. The man that you were when we got married."

Every word that the older man signed sent waves of despair crashing through him. His mind was filled with static as the words broke through all the barriers that he had put around himself over the years.

Having the knowledge that his husband had spent so much time thinking about the man that he used to be… He couldn't help feeling even worse about himself. Even worse about the situation they found themselves in.

"You aren't the man you used to be," Callen kept going, "Is that really a bad thing?"

Shaking his head Deeks wrapped his arms around himself starting to move away once more only to stop when Callen gripping the back of his head and dragging him into a desperate kiss. There was no other way to describe it other than that.

He knew that he could easily break the hold. If he wanted to he could walk away from Callen and he knew that the man would let him go. Even knowing that though he couldn't bring himself to pull away.

For the same reason that he hadn't been able to pull away from the man before. It didn't matter how much time had passed he loved the older man with everything that he was. If he had a choice in the matter than he wasn't going to walk away.

Unwinding his arms from around his middle Deeks placed them on his lovers stomach curling his fingers into the fabric of his shirt and holding on. There was an edge of something to the kiss that had his heart pounding painfully in his chest.

Slowly Callen pulled away from the kiss and took a few steps back. The space between them wasn't that far yet Deeks felt as if there was miles keeping them apart. Miles that they themselves had built.

"Maybe it's time to stop," Callen signed when he finally came to a stop.

"What?" Deeks questioned hating how scared he felt, "Stop?"

"No, Sunshine, not us. Not stop us. I never want to stop being with you. I meant stop trying so hard to be those people. We aren't them. We haven't been them for a long time and look how miserable we've been."

Deeks felt like he had missed something as he tried to figure out what the other man was saying. He could understand what Callen was saying, but there was something being said that was just going over his head. It wasn't a feeling that he was used to feeling and he hated not knowing what was going on.

"Callen," Deeks tried to start only to have words fail him.

"I'm so tired of thinking I have to be Agent G Callen," the man continued not noticing that Deeks wasn't following, "That I have to-"

"Wait. You… You don't have be Agent G Callen."

"Yeah and you don't have to try to be Detective Marty Deeks."

Shaking his head quickly Deeks turned away from his husband trying to get his thoughts in order. He just needed a moment to figure out what the hell was happening. It made absolutely no sense no matter how many times he turned it over in his mind.

He knew that it hadn't been easy for the older man to leave NCIS, but it never occurred to him that there was more to it than that. In his mind if it wasn't something that Callen had truly wanted to do than he wouldn't have done it. Right?

Except now that he was thinking about it that wasn't right. Callen had felt as if he had to leave because he wasn't there for his family. He was missing out on being a father to his children and the only way to change that in his mind had been to leave the force.

It wasn't exactly the same as what happened with Deeks, but it had ended with the same result. They both had been forced to leave their jobs for one reason or another. Reasons that made it impossible to ever go back.

How was it he had never seen that? How was it possible that he could just see that there was a problem without knowing what the hell was actually happening? How could he not see just how much his husband was suffering? How could he not see that the man he loved was suffering the same way?

The thing that got him the most though was that he hadn't thought of the man as Agent G Callen in a long time. That wasn't the man that he was in Deeks eyes anymore and he had no idea when that happened.

"G," Deeks signed before forcing himself to take a deep breath and standing up straighter, "I didn't know that you felt that way. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you needed me to be there for you. You needed to be that man. I-"

Shaking his head quickly Deeks reached out to cup his husbands face and pressed their lips together. He pulled back before Callen could kiss back. Smiling softly he ran his thumb over his lovers face caressing his lips as he took a deep breath and stepped back.

"I love you," Deeks offered his lips pulling into a wide smile, "I love you so much, G."

"I love you too," Callen replied instantly looking confused, "What just happened?"

"I haven't thought of you as Agent G Callen in years. It just stopped being a thing. Yes, I was worried that you'd get bored and go back to work, but I didn't fall in love with the agent version of you. I mean, yeah, he was damn good at his job, but he could be a bit of an asshole."

"Hey!"

"You know I'm right. You had to be sometimes to be as good at the job as you were. I didn't fall for him though. I fell for you. I fell in love with G Callen."

Tears glistened in the older mans eyes as he nodded his head smiling himself. For the first time he knew that the tears weren't brought on by heartache. He was happy. They were both happy with what was happening.

"And I fell in love with Marty Deeks. Yes, you were a detective at the time and yes that was a big part of who you were, but that wasn't who I fell in love with either. I just love you, Sunshine. I always have. I always will."