The next day after my run in with Clare, Lenore went into full wedding mode. She was planning and booking everything faster than I could blink. Before I knew it a few months had passed and I was only day's away from getting married. The doubt and fear started to creep on me like a cold front. I had been spending most of my nights looking at the stars, wishing that Clare was somewhere looking at them, and thinking of me too. I had tried to call her several times, but she had never answered me. I guessed it was for the best. Accepting that it was really over between Clare and I, that there would be no happily ever after for us, was almost impossible. Some nights I'd wake up calling her name, and when I'd roll over to find Lenore beside me the ache in my chest would become unbearable. She even began talking to me about kids, I told her that was out of the question for me. I would never have anther child again as long as I lived, If I couldn't raise Adam I didn't deserve to have any more children. I was surprised Lenore had even brought the subject up, she knew how I felt about it, we had talked about it many times before. When I shot her down she went into a fit about me letting go of the past, her behavior had been off. She was more high strung than normal, and every time I left the house she gave me the 3rd degree. I just thought it was stress from the wedding planning, so I let it go. Even so I couldn't shake the feeling that this whole thing was a mistake, that sacrificing a life with Clare would be to much for me to handle. A day before the wedding I called her off a private number, hoping she'd answer. All I wanted was a minute, a minute to talk to her. I needed that minute to get me through the day. It rang a few times, but she finally answered.
"Hello." Hearing her voice sent shock waves through my body, I craved her. I craved everything about her, I craved her smell, her laugh, and how she could just make everything better without even trying to.
"Clare, it's me. Please don't hang up, please." She didn't say anything so I checked to see if she had hung up, but she hadn't. I could still lightly hear her breathing on the other end. "Ok, so you're not going to say anything. You've been ignoring my calls, and now that I have you on the phone you wont even speak, but I understand why. Listen, I have screwed up. I've screwed up more than anyone in the history of screwing up. My first mistake was leaving you in that hotel room that day in New York, I should have done what I always have done, fought for you. Screw five years, screw 100. I will never not love you. I dream of you Clare, I lay awake at night with anxiety wondering if I'm ever going to be ok again. I'm not Clare Edwards, I'm not ever going to be ok without you. That night we kissed all those months ago, was the happiest and most alive that I had felt in years. That one moment meant more to me than every moment I have ever spent with Lenore, I left because I was angry about Adam and I felt obligated to Lenore. I know that if you had felt you could keep our son that you would have and that we would have been a fam-" I looked at the phone and the call had ended. I dropped my phone on my bed and put my head in my hands, I heard the door open and I looked up to see Lenore.
"Eli? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, nothing. I'm just, I'm upset I guess."
"Why?" She looked concerned, and I hated it. I just wanted her to stop being so concerned, I just wanted to be alone.
I couldn't tell her it was Clare, so I lied. Well I told the truth, just not about what I was currently upset about. "Adam. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. He's five, and he's out there living with strangers. I know you said fighting for him wasn't a good decision, but I'm starting to regret it." It was true, I was starting to regret a lot of things. The more I thought about it, the more I was angry at Lenore for not letting me get Adam. I kept my cool though, I knew she only was trying to help.
"I'm sorry Eli, but I'm sure he's happy with his parents. As far as he knows they are his parents, and that's all that matters, that he's happy, right?"
"You're right Lenore, that's what matters." She gave me kiss on the cheek and It made my skin crawl. I had never been frustrated with Lenore this way, and I felt bad. I couldn't help it though, after pretending for so long it was getting harder and harder to keep up the front.
"So, now that you're over that, are you excited for tomorrow?"
"Actually I am, I've been waiting for this call for so long. All the reviews on the play were fantastic, I'm really hopeful that I'm going to be directing play's on Broadway sooner than I had ever dreamt." I was surprised Lenore had asked me about the play, she hated it. "Thank you for asking, that meant a lot."
Lenore looked at me with beady eyes and crossed her arms, "Not the dumb play Eli. The wedding, the wedding is tomorrow!"
I felt bad that I had forgot about the wedding, it wasn't something I usually liked to think about though. "Oh, I'm sorry Lenore. Of course, I just didn't know that was what you were referring to. Of course I'm excited."
Lenore smiled at me, and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Well, I guess I'll be going to stay at Jenna's. You know, tradition and all. I'm so happy about tomorrow, nothing is ever going to come between us Eli." She let go of me and walked out of the room, I waited until she shut the door to wipe my face from where she had kissed me. It was going to take everything In me to get through tomorrow.