Chapter One - Change
Cartman's POV
It was a rainy night. I was having nightmares about Bernie Sanders again, who could be our first Jewish president.
My mom knocked on my door, then opened my bedroom door and walked in after she heard me scream. I had to check myself to make sure I was just dreaming. Oh, thank god, it was only a dream! Bernie Sanders wasn't president yet, but how much time did I have?
"Eric, sweetie, are you having nightmares about Bernie Sanders again?" My mom asked.
"Yes, mom, but it's no biggie." I said coolly. "I'm just scared the Jews are gonna get me when we have our first Jewish president. That they're gonna get revenge on us because six million of them were murdered in the Holocaussssst."
I didn't want him to get me, but I was good at revenge, so why was I worrying? Because at the thought of Jews coming to power to defeat antisemitism since it has already decreased to an extreme. But none of us were really pure, and the ones who especially weren't pure were the Jewish people, disabled, and gypsies but not homosexuals because it was cool to be gay now. What if millions of white people were going to be deported to camp?
"Sweetie, Bernie Sanders wants to help this country." My mom tried to assure me, but I was not so sure. "The Jews aren't going to get you. And the Holocaust is way over. They've forgiven us."
Had they?
"Sure. That's what they all say." I say. "Yes they so are!" I argued. "Then why am I not having peaceful dreams, mom?" I asked.
"I don't know, sweetie." She said. "But when he gets elected you'll see that he really does want to change things and I think he'll do much better than our current president, who shits in the woods and scares children because he wants to get them but that doesn't really mean our next president will be the same."
"NOOOOO!" I shouted. "Somebody has to stop him, mom."
"Well, why don't you go back to bed and try and stop him in the morning, hon?" My mom encouraged me and then gave me a pat on the head. "You look like you're restless and I want you to get some sleep before school in the morning."
"Okay, mom." I said, because it was useless talking to her about my epiphany.
My epiphany that the Jews were going to take over the world right after Bernie would be elected president. The Jews were getting better and better and soon they were going to bring down America.
The next morning, I was at the bus stop with my friends Stan, Kyle who was my sort of friend and Kenny who awaited with me at the bus. When I walked up to them, I stood between Kyle and Kenny.
Being seriously, I said, "All right. Guys, we need to talk."
There was no response from the other three so I just continued dictating anyway. "Look. We can pretend that Bernie Sanders wants to help our country, but does he really? He's Jewish, just like Kyle! And he cannot be trusted, just like Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. We've gotta do something."
My friends were still staying silent.
"Are we just gonna pretend America is going to be okay?" I continued. "Are we just going to...wait until the Jews have taken over the world?" I asked them in hopes for a response.
Kyle stepped forward, away from the others. "I'm sorry. I can't do this again. I'm not doing this."
I was confused.
He was about to walk away when Stan stopped him in his tracks. "Dude, Kyle, aren't you supposed to tell Cartman Bernie Sanders actually wants to save our country or something?" He asked.
"Why?" Kyle said out loud in defeat. "He's not even gonna listen to me! But fine. Cartman, Bernie Sanders isn't just running for president so the Jews can take over the world."
"Are you sure?" I asked, worried.
"Yes, I'm sure, you idiot." He said. "He wants to defeat Trump by bringing in people who have given up on the political process. He has the movement to do that, so if he's talking about wanting to defeat someone-"
Whenever Kyle talked, his words always seemed to twist around in my head for some reason. He was talking about defeating someone on Twitter? Then that didn't seem good to me in my head.
He continued. "Then he's not a bad guy. He wants women in the America and across the world to have gender equality-"
I cut Kyle off when he said that. "Wait, he wants gender equality? Does this mean I can maybe have my own bathroom again?" I asked.
"Cartman, there's little relevance to Bernie wanting gender equality and you wanting your own bathroom again. That's only why you said you're transgender. See, Stan? This is why I can't do this." He said when he faced Stan.
"Yeah. I totally see, Kyle." Stan said.
"Anyway, Cartman," Kyle continued, "He also wants racial justice, economic justice, social justice and environmental justice. And he wants health care to all people."
"But I don't think health care should be for all people!" I spat back at him.
"Of course you don't, Cartman. I'm done talking to you." Kyle said and then continued waiting for the bus stop.
"Kyle?" I asked.
He said nothing. God, I hated when those assholes ignored me. They didn't seem to think we were in danger! How stupid were they?! After school, I was going to go find Butters and have a talk with him.
I went over to Butters house.
"Hey, Butters." I said.
"Hey, Eric." Butters said.
"I need your help." I said.
"My help? With what, Eric?" He asked curiously.
"Butters, when Bernie Sanders is president, the Jews are gonna take us over. And we are the only people who seem to care!"
"The Jews?" Butters asked.
"Yes." I said. "I've been preaching to everyone, even my own friends, and nobody seems to care. They're all so blind. The Jews are gonna take over the world and nobody's gonna do anything! So it's up to you and me. We have to stop them."
"Aw." Butters said. "I can't stop the Jews tonight, Eric. I'm supposed to do something with my dad."
"Well are you grounded?" I asked him.
"N-no." He said.
"Well then you've gotta help me! Our lives are about to change! The Jews are gonna outnumber us since there's no more camps and just gay conversion camps now!"
"Oh, I went to one of those." Butters said.
"What?" I asked, confused. "Whatever! Dude, do you not care that the Jewish army will kill your parents simply because you're not one of them?"
"I do care if the Jewish army wants gonna kill my parents, Eric!" He exclaimed, because he was pretty naive.
"The Jews hate us, Butters. I'm starting a group to dedicate to freeing American from Jewish tyranny. Will you join me?" I asked him with determination.
"I don't want my parents to die, so of course, I'll join you, Eric." Butters reasoned.
"Good!" I said excitedly. "You and me are going to be the brave boys who fought back. We are not letting Jews take over our country. Fuck the Jews."
"Yeah, fuck Jews." Butters agreed.
I had nightmares again when I was at my house. It was horrible. Somebody had to do something so it was going to be me.
When I saw Butters again, we were walking down the street and I said to him, "We're just gonna have to use the A word."
"The A word?" Butters asked, confused.
"We can't talk about wanting to assassinate a president because they might be listening to us!" I told him.
"Oooooooooooh." Butters let out. "Eric, I don't really wanna kill anybody. Besides, you know I'm not good at it. I always shoot them in the dicks."
"It's kill or be killed, Butters!" I said. "And hmmmmm. You're right. Maybe I'm gonna have to take you to a shooting range."
"No, Eric!" He said.
"My name's Butters and I'm a pussy." I imitated him.
"Okay. I'll help you, Eric." He said. "Even if I'm scared. I know my country needs me."
"That's right." I said. "So we're gonna have to take them down, the damned Jews, but not right now. We need to find out the plans first."
"How are we gonna get them to tell us their invasion plans, Eric?" He asked.
"Pretending we're Jewish." I said.