Thanks to the tranquilizers Jo has given him with the pain killers Alex fell asleep quickly. The tension of the last 36 hours went off and his breath equaled.
Jo couldn´t take her eyes off of him. There he was – peacefully sleeping. She has often watched him sleeping in the last five years. Only when he was sleeping he seemed to be fully relaxed. Well most of the time he seemed to be fully relaxed, there still were many nights when the nightmares made timidly him toss and turn in bed.
She has always known that Alex has his struggles concerning his creepy childhood or the crazy shit he went through with his women but he barely talked about it and Jo didn´t want to push him anymore. She tried to make Alex face his demons once when his dad came to the hospital and it turned out to be total hell for both of them. Alex has locked up his pain very well in the last years and Jo could only imagine what was running through his mind sometimes. Right now she regretted badly she had never asked more.
There had to be a reason for Alex´ overreaction when he saw her with DeLuca. He nearly punshed this guy to death and she hoped there was a really god reason for losing his mind completly. One reason that – like Meredith said earlier – doesen´t make him a monster. Sure he wanted to protect her but like this? This wasn´t sweet or romantic or anything but brutal and scary.
Jo knew men like this very well. Her husband was like this and when she flew from him once she made a promise to herself she would never ever again let something like this happen to her.
DeLuca said it „You could pick better guys." She has heard that before and here she was trying to find excuses for Alex´ violence. Like in older days she tried to find excuses for Sam. Jo didn´t want to compare Alex to Sam but she had to admit that she has seen some moves of Sam in Alex last night. And admitting this was cruel for her but in some way she felt like she couldn´t forgive Alex.
But he still was the same Alex like last week, wasn´t he? Memories of their good, of their best times were flashing through her mind. The both of them laughing on his couch, stealing donuts from the nurses, operating together, Alex hopping towards her willing to make a baby, Alex holding her tight in the middle of the night, Alex kissing her goodbye in the hospital at morning. A warm feeling flooded her body. She cares so much about him, she would stand by his side. But still she couldn´t say whether she was able to forgive him.
But maybe it wouldn´t matter if she was able to forgive him? Probably he won´t forgive her either after she had told him the trueth. How could everything go so terribly wrong?
Alex was still sleeping so Jo decided to call Meredith. He would need someone after her she had told him the trueth. And after all Meredith was still his person, probably the only one he would allow to stay with him.
Jo felt sick as she listened to the free tone of her mobile. Meredith would hate her for what she was going to do to Alex and she has every right to do so.
„Wilson?" Meredith answered her phone, „What is with Alex? Is he allright?
„He is sleeping right now, has broken his Hand. I´ve given him some tranquilizers so could rest a few hours. But he should wake up soon. Dr. Grey? You have to do me a huge favor.
„What is it Wilson? Just tell me."
Jo sighed, it was time to start with the trueth. „I have promised Alex to give him a reason for not marrying him. I know the timing sucks but I guess I can´t put him off any longer. But after I´ve told him he gonna need someone. Someone who will stay, someone to know how to take him, someone who can manage his temper. Can you do this for me, for him ?"
„When do you want me to be there Jo?"
„May I text you after we have talked?"
„Sure. And Jo? Please don´t make it to hard for him."
After the call Jo felt terrible, she was going to cut Alex´ heart into pieces. He had to feel completly betrayeld and he was so damn right. But what should she have done? Alex nearly killed DeLuca for nothing. She didn´t want to imagine what would have happened if she had told him she had been running from a brutal husband.
Jo watched Alex slowly waking up. He winced and groaned, obviously still in pain. „Oh Alex" she sighed. Seeing him like this broke her heart and she was going to mess up his whole life, everything he was sure of, in a few minutes.
His lost look went through the loft. When she came into his sight he smiled weakly. „You stayed."
„I pomised it, Alex. How is the hand?"
„Hurts like hell."
Jo grabbed some meds and closed the distance between them. „Take these. Should help soon."
Alex took the pills and watched her carefully. „What happened when I was asleep? Something with DeLuca? Jo, tell me." He panicked.
Jo could feel the tears rise in her eyes „No Alex. DeLuca is stable. Nothing happened while you were sleeping. But…" she stopped.
„What, Jo, what? Just tell me, I can take it. Have the police called?"
„No, Alex. You deserve to know the reason why I can´t marry you. I should have told you years ago when you proposed for the first time. But I was afraid you would lose Control, I was afraid you couldn´t take it. To honest I still am."
Alex felt like she was sticking knives in his stomach. „Years ago" echoed in his head. Must mean she never was willing to marry you. He could hear himself gaspe. The world start to go spinning around him.
„Alex, I need yoo to understand all I did was trying to protect you. Because I care about you." She wasn´t sure whether her words reached him. He started to shake and she would have given everything to put a blanket around him and to whisper into his that it was going to be allright.
„I can´t marry you because I am already married. I run from my husband years ago. I didn´t ask for a divorce because I was afraid he would find me. My husband is criminal and I can´t ask for divorce. That´s the reason why I turned you down."
Alex went pale. His eyes were empty, he looked completly lost.
„Why" he whispered. „Why didn´t you say anything? Anything in all those years?"
„I couldn´t Alex. You would have tried to protect me. You would have killed him probably for what he did to me and I didn´t want you to end up like this. Nobody knew it."
„You wanted to protect me Jo? And, and so you decided I don´t have a right to know? We were together Jo. I wanted to share te rest of my life with you and you decided to protect me and lied to me about your whole life? About everything?! You must be kidding me!"
Alex looked at her with anger, with pain, with desperation. And Jo could understand all of it.
„You´ve given me hope Jo. You always said you were not ready. I had hope that one day you will be ready, one day we will have a family. One day hell will be behind me. But instead of that you bought me a ticket right back." Alex turned away from her and stared at the wall.
„I know, Alex. And I am so sorry. I can just say I did it because I care." She tried to touch his shoulder but he pulled himself out of her reach.
„You lied to me. You know I can´t stand lies. And you lied to me about everything." He choked. „Leave me alone!"
Jo sighed she had seen it coming, so she grabbed her bag and leave the loft. In front of the door she texted „He needs you" to Meredith.
After five minutes Meredith opened the door with the key Jo had handed her downstairs. She has already heard the noise when she came up the stairs. When she entered the loft she found Alex in total rage throwing glasses and plates against the wall.
„Alex, stop it!" she screamed.