Maybe that's what I wanted. Maybe I wanted to fight and argue because I wanted to know that you cared enough to fight back. Of course I don't want to break up, but maybe I just want to hear you say it, hear you say you're afraid to leave me, to lose me, that you can't and won't live your life without me, that I am you're future, part of your soul. Maybe I just like to feel as if I am worth fighting, hurting and loving for. But also, maybe that's how I lose you.
" We can't stay together if all we're going to do is fight.", you say to me. Go me. My own insecurity and toxicity have potentially forever ruined my forever. "You get too caught up in everything" you tell me, maybe I do, you are my world and I'm just living in it. You are the basis behind everything I do and say. You are the star in the movie of my life. But we've been together since fifteen, I didn't know who I was enough, my identity went from being set in my parents to being set in you. I was never just…me. I was always 'belonging' to someone else. So you're right, I get caught up in every little thing because I am incapable of having my own internal monologue, everything needs to be dialogue, everything needs to be articulated and expressed because I feel as if I need validation and opinions on everything I think and feel because I am truly not my own person. It is as if I am just an extension of everyone else around me.
You have shown me that I have no true identity. I feed off what everyone else thinks, feels, does and wants. My story is just how I fit into everyone else's. Maybe it's time for me to figure out what my story actually is and how everyone else fits into that. Maybe it's time for me to be just me, with no strings to other people, because stepping back, people aren't nearly as all in attached to me as I am to them, everyone has a life that does not concern me and they are doing just fine. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't like me, want me or love me; it just means there is more than just me, and that there isn't actually as much importance and pressure on me as I always thought there was. People's lives aren't held together by me, I just add to their existence, not comprise it. And I want to exist as my own person and have people to enhance my existence not be the foundation of it.
AN: Thanks for taking the time to read, this is a short introduction to a new story concept I am developing. It is a self-discovery for Riley after her and (probably) Lucas break-up from a semi-long term teenage relationship. It is kind of the idea that the breakup bring her plans and thoughts of her life, future and identity crumbling and she has to rebuild and it ends up being really good for her. Any thoughts on the idea would be great as I am working on the outline and details still. So any comments or PM's would be greatly appreciated :)