Okay- a lot more Jamie angst than I planned here, but she needs the get this notion she murdered Lily out of her head! And Daryl's gonna help her. Hugs!
"Shit." she sprinted downstairs as fast as she could, barely making it to the bathroom before throwing up.
Daryl stood. He'd been dozing in and out, staying with her throughout the night. It was clear she was going to have a rough day. He plodding downstairs after her, settling to rubbing her back and wiping her mouth every now and then with his black bandana as she puked her guts out. She'd run out of alchol to bring up, and it this point was mostly bringing up bile and making pitiful noises, and he felt a pang- the kid must really feel like shit.
She finally sat back against the wall, shaky and pale.
"Still feel drunk?" Daryl asked her, and she shook her head. He handed her some Tylenol. "Try and keep those down. It'll help."
She swallowed them dry, just sitting, and Daryl nodded to her.
"We're goin' hunting in an hour, once the meds kick in."
She nodded, staggering to her feet. Daryl went to go get the bows, and an hour later she staggered out of camp with him. As soon as they were in the cover of the woods, Daryl nodded to her.
"You can siddown. They expected you to make an appearance in camp today- they woulda known something was up if you didn't. Now, we need to talk..."
"Walker." Jamie said through her half-lidded eyes. Heightened sensitivity was kicking in now, she could hear the walkers before Daryl even could. The walker was alone, thankfully, and Daryl turned, putting an arrow through it and leaving it where it fell. "Where'd you get the JD?"
"Carl and I found it... while we were in the woods..."
Daryl nodded. "I know you had a helluva day with Lizzy yesterday. Wanna talk about it?"
Jamie shrugged. "Nothin' to talk about. She yelled at me for killing a walker."
"She rattled you. You and I both know it. That's when you went down to the tombs."
Jamie sighed. Her head was pounding, there were a thousand molten needles tumbling around in her skull, she really didn't want to do this... "Fine. She told me I murdered Lily, when I shot her... Couldn't help but thinking, maybe if I hadn't shot her, she'd have got better..."
"No one gets better from a bite. You know that." Daryl said gently.
"Well maybe she might've!" Jamie snapped. The pounding in her head was getting to her, and she sighed, staggering to her feet like a newborn fawn, slinging her bow over her shoulder.
"Jamie..."
"Don't bother." she spat, stumbling, intent to get away from Daryl. Daryl followed her all the same, knowing she was in no condition to defend herself, though he kept his distance.
She was pissed off, so pissed... Lily might've survived. Deep within her, she knew there was no way, but she WANTED there to be one so badly, she shoved the knowledge down. It seemed better to dream, better to blame herself, since then she wouldn't have to face the grim reality Lily WAS bitten and would've turned.
She heard moaning to her right, fumbled to notch an arrow and fired, hitting the bastard in the eye. It fell and she walked over to it, kicking the hell out of it. She pulled out the bloody arrow, grabbing her knife and carving the thing like a jack-o-lantern...
"Feel better now?" Daryl asked drily. He'd been watching her hack the body to pieces, knowing she needed to get rid of the pent up rage somehow, but finding her method less than satisfactory. Better a dead thing than a living one, though.
"No! Piss off- leave me alone! Why you gotta keep following me!?" she demanded, angry.
"Cause I'm your Dad- 's my job to look out for you."
"Like it'll help. We turn- we all turn someday. Even if you DO keep my alive, I'll get old and die someday, and turn..." she said bitterly.
"Exactly. We all turn. So you can't blame yourself for what happened to Lily- you had to do it."
Realization dawned on her face, now, and she turned to look at him. Breathing ragged, blood all over her, knife in hand.
"Then... then what's the point of all this? Living- strugglin'... it hurts. Everyone turns! And if you ain't the one turnin', you gotta watch it happen..." she took a shaky breath, looking at her bloody knife with a new fascination, now...
"Jamie. Don't." Daryl said, managing to keep the fear out of his voice, barely. He knew what she was thinking, he'd thought of it a thousand times before, when his old man had come home drunk, when Merle had nearly died from an overdose...
"Why! Why not, Dad?" she snarled the word Dad with contempt, lifting her knife so it was right against her forehead, getting ready to stab.
"We all turn. We all turn, unless there's someone there to make sure we don't. I wanna be SURE I don't..."
There was a crackle through the brush, then, and Jamie looked away for a split second. Enough time or Daryl to dive forward and knock the knife out of her hand, and pin her down with his knee on her chest. Enough time for Daryl to pick up the knife and throw it with deadly accuracy at the walker that came stumbling through the brush. The rotting carcass fell in front of them, as well, and Daryl looked at her.
She was staring into the eyes of the walker, those amber, dead eyes, they were a foot or so away from her, but it was dead, the walker couldn't hurt her anymore.
She was scrambling for the knife in its forehead, then, fighting for all she was worth...
"Jamie! Jamie, stop! NOW!" Daryl bellowed. He wrestled the bloody knife from her hands, sinking it deep into a tree trunk so she couldn't pull it out. He pinned her arms above her head, he was straddling her, but he was only doing it to keep her from hurting herself.
"I'm only gonna let you up if you promise not to try anything else." he panted, voice shaking slightly as he stared down at her. Where the hell had his daughter gone? Jesus, the girl had just tried to kill herself...
She nodded slowly, pink tongue darting over her lips nervously. She looked just as shaken as he did, and he got off her slowly, letting her curl into a ball, a shaking ball. She was scared, she was just a scared kid who was hurting...
"I got it, Jamie. It's dead- it can't hurt us no more." Daryl said, thinking she'd been scared by the close encounter with a walker.
"Go away!" she looked up, tears streaming down her face, angry, and he was surprised.
"I ain't afraid of no damn walkers! I'm 'fraid of living, of being one of them..."
"Jamie..."
"No! I'm tired of it Dad, tired of watchin everyone DIE! What's the point!? We all turn, 'less we make sure we do it, put somethin through our heads... There's no point..."
She fell into the leaves then, sobbing her eyes out. Daryl felt his heart breaking. How could he comfort her, tell her it wasn't true? With all the things she'd seen... But offing herself wasn't the answer. How could he make her see that?
"Stand up." He ordered.
"Why? So I can get knocked right back down again by some bitch this word created? So I can fall down sobbing again when you DIE?" she asked, looking at him. She wasn't fearless anymore- she was a scared kid, was only one person left in this world to loose- him.
"Stand up." Daryl grunted, more firmly this time.
She sighed, staggering to her feet. "Happy now?" she asked, looking at him. He wiped the tears from her face.
"What's your name?" Daryl asked.
She rolled her eyes. "You know my name, dammit. Jamie Dixon."
"Jamie Kessler Dixon." Daryl corrected. "Don't you ever give up your roots. When we found you, you were some kid running from trouble with her brother. A scared little girl. But there was somethin I saw in you- that spark. the way you killed walkers, the way you knew when to stand and fight. I liked that 'bout you."
"That was before I knew. We all turn." Jamie muttered bitterly.
"We don't all turn. How many kids you seen who made it this far?" Daryl asked.
"Um... me... Carl, the kids from Woodbury..."
"The kids from Woodbury made it because they were lucky. You and Carl were raised on the road- and I got you, and you got me. We all know what to do- we don't let one of our own turn."
"But what the hell is the point?" Jamie asked, frustrated. "We all die anyways! Why the hell go through this!?"
"Because people need us. And livin' is the only thing we know how to do. Death might be worse." Daryl said, and she laughed dryly.
Still, what he was saying made sense...
"Lily needed you that day. She needed you to make sure you didn't turn- and you made sure she didn't. You made sure she didn't have to be afraid of turnin'- you did the hardest and best thing you could. We stay alive on instinct- only thing we know how to do. But there's still fun. Squirrel hunting, coming up with those racist jokes... You really think Ryder woulda wanted you to throw it all away, after how hard you two worked to stay alive?"
He was right, and she looked down. Maybe... no, there was hope, there was always hope...
They'd been so focused on one another they didn't notice the moaning, Jamie barely had time to scream before the walker had Daryl, was dragging him back...
Daryl slammed it into a tree with his back, but it was latched onto him, he couldn't turn around...
"Dad!"
"Jamie!" Daryl was still struggling with the walker, now, and she struggled to get the knife from the tree, but it was stuck fast. It was a lost cause...
The crossbow sat on the ground, loaded, she grabbed it. It was heavy, so heavy...
"Jamie! Could use some help!" Daryl was on the ground now, he'd elbowed the walker, and was stiff-arming it as it tried to fall on him and tear his insides open...
She lifted the bow, struggling with the sights, trying to figure out...
"Jamie!"
"Fuck!" she pulled the trigger, there was a hiss, and the bolt was embedded in the walker's head.
Daryl shoved the limp body off himself, looking down to see Jamie sitting up from where she'd scrambled across the leaves, empty crossbow in hand...
"Nice shot." he said.
Her breathing was rapid, she was shocked...
"Hey- come on. It wasn't that close a call. I'm still here. Don't loose your nerve- you're a badass, a Dixon, remember?" he was offering her his hand, and she nodded, taking it and standing.
"I'll teach you to shoot this thing for real later." he said, taking the crossbow from her. Her own bow was laying across the clearing, where she'd dropped it, and she went for it while Daryl got his arrow.
"Damn thing is heavy." She said, nodding towards his crossbow.
Daryl chuckled. "Yeah. Surprised you got it- walker." he nodded towards the one stumbling towards them. Jamie notched an arrow in her own bow and fired, striking it between the eyes. She grinned as it fell.
"Not anymore."
And Daryl laughed. He could see the fire and mischief in her eyes, now, the confidence in the way she carried herself... She was back.