Weakness

Single Chapter – Illusion and Reality

. . .

This is my word, this is my way

Show me a sign, sweep me away

This is my word, heartbreaker, gatekeeper

I'm feeling far away, I'm feeling right there

Deep in my heart, deep in my mind

Take me away, take me away

This is my word, dream maker, life taker

Open up my mind

All I believe, is it a dream?

That comes crashing down on me

All that I own, is it just smoke and mirrors?

I want to believe, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

But all that I own, is it just smoke and mirrors?

Smoke and Mirrors – Imagine Dragons

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"Since I was a kid... Mikasa. I've always hated you."

Those words spiraled around Mikasa's head, making her feel dizzy. And although she was the kind of person who always tried to hold on, she could no longer contain the tears that came to the corners of her eyes. Her heart was beating really fast every time she remembered Eren's gaze as he said that – but not in a pleasant way. They were beats that hurt, that took the air out of her lungs. The look in the boy's face was tough, insensitive. Like he was someone she didn't know.

That was not her Eren.

The boy she knew might be stubborn and impulsive, but he cared about his friends more than anything else. Even though the idea of revenge against the titans blinded him for a long time, he also had a noble and proud heart, and always worked hard in humanity's favor. Eren was someone who always tried to do his best, to do the right thing, after all.

But he didn't look the same now.

That guy in front of her was nowhere near being the boy who saved her one day. At least he didn't seem to be. He was just a shadow of what was once Eren. He was someone empty, someone trying to hide the feelings behind a mask of coldness. That couldn't be right.

There was something very strange going on, Mikasa just didn't know what. Everything seemed out of place, nothing made sense. Why? That was the question. When did things become this way? She couldn't even imagine. Eren would never call her a slave. Not her Eren.

She stared at him discreetly as she was led toward some carriages – probably where she would find the rest of the squad. Eren was much taller than she remembered, and his broad, stiff shoulders looked like an impenetrable fortress. She'd never seen him walking in such an imposing way. What had happened during those years they were apart that made him so different?

"Floch, take him with you," Eren said, tossing Armin, who had his hands behind his back, abruptly into his accomplice's arms.

"Fine," the other agreed, holding Arlert by the collar of his shirt; he had a large weapon in his hand. Armin looked at Eren with eyes gleaming in hatred and incomprehension, and his nostrils flared even as his bruised face throbbed at the slightest movement. "But I thought you were taking them yourself, Eren. What made you change your mind?" Floch questioned, facing the leader doubtfully.

The Jaeger glanced at Mikasa, who was held tightly by another member of his resistance. Concerned about Armin, the girl stared at Floch with murderous intent, though she was also arrested and somewhat shocked by what had happened in that restaurant just a few moments ago.

"I'll have a chat with this one." Eren was sincere, pointing at her with his head. There was no expression on his face that could betray his thoughts.

Mikasa narrowed her eyes, feeling her heart practically sink into her chest. When did she gone from being 'Mikasa' to being 'this one'? When did their relationship become so distant and broken? She couldn't understand. She didn't want to understand.

"What are you going to do with Mikasa?!" Armin inquired, fidgeting his pulses with anger. The handcuffs only seemed to tighten, and Floch tugged at the blonde hair, aiming the gun at Armin's contorted face and shaking his head as if to say 'react and be dead'. "Haven't you hurt her enough, Eren?!" The boy shouted nonetheless, without being intimidated. "If you touch her, I swear I'll-"

He was interrupted by Mikasa's simple glance, a signal sent to him. She was asserting that he shouldn't worry, because she knew how to defend herself very well. And judging by the way she seemed irreducible, it showed she needed that conversation. In Eren's face, however, there was only indifference. What was said didn't matter, none of Armin's threats would have an effect on him.

The blue-eyed boy fell silent and swallowed hard, feeling his throat scratch. He was afraid of what might happen. Afraid that the three of them could never again be what they once were. It was a growing fear and, from his point of view, increasingly real. That could not be Eren. It could not be his best friend, the one with whom he had shared dreams and goals of a lifetime. When did we get lost like this...? It was a question to which he had no answers.

Armin could even find a way to become the Colossal Titan, since Floch and the others – which didn't include Eren – would be no match for him. Even when stuck, he could push Floch hard and cut his own hand, thus activating his titan mode. He knew that if he did that, it wouldn't take two seconds for Mikasa to be free of her own handcuffs, and to fight with wildness beside him – she definitely wouldn't die.

But he held back. He had to be cautious, to consider the destruction he would cause. Eren had the Attack Titan and the Warhammer anyway, which gave him all the advantage. He would win the fight in a few minutes; besides the Colossal Titan being gigantic – it needed a large open area to transform – and extremely slow in reflexes, Mikasa could never seriously attack the Jaeger either. Both because of her blood and her love and devotion to him. Armin also was certain that she was very confused at that moment.

They were dead end.

Armin was so angry and sad in his heart, it was true, but he had never been a boy to be carried away by the emotional. After all those years, he could tell he was a true soldier too. He might not be the strongest but he was intelligent, rational, insightful. And he was curious. Very curious to know what Eren's plans were, and why he was acting like a complete lunatic.

He needed information. He would try to come up with a plan further, something that could rid his skin and others of this surreal situation. So he calmed down, letting Floch release him, and snorted, straightening his body. His swollen eye hurt and the other bruises ached, but he tried not to care. He just wanted to see how far that would go.

"See you later," Floch said to Eren with a nod and grabbed Armin with some violence – to show he was in charge –, forcing him to walk. Before being taken, however, the strategist took one last look at his dear friend. 'Take care', that was what he meant. She nodded subtly, trying to give him the certainty that all would be well. Yes, that was just a bad phase.

And Floch followed him into one of the many covered carriages, throwing him inside brutally. Armin fell and hit his face on the wooden floor, protesting in pain and anger.

"Armin!" Someone called him, alarmed. He raised his head and faced Hanji, who was looking at him with concern. Jean, Connie, and Nicolo were there too, all arrested and being watched by armed men outside, who had an expression of seriousness. Even Gabi and Falco were present, the latest unconscious over Hanji's lap since he had accidentally ingested some of Zeke Jaeger's spinal fluid wine. "What happened to you?!" The Commander asked, surprised by his injuries.

"Eren did that, didn't he?!" Connie shouted indignantly. He had been suspicious of Eren for some time, but that only made him sure he was a traitor. Jean, next to him, could do nothing but a completely grim expression. Fury and disbelief mingled on his face, and his mind was racing. What the fuck is going on here?

"Shut up!" Floch, still watching from the outside, exclaimed impatiently. It wasn't as if he wanted to be the enemy of everyone there, but… he could do nothing. Fighting for Eldia's cause was more important than anything at the moment, and being by Eren's side was what would make them victorious. This was the arrival of a new empire. Then, until Jaeger achieved his goals, all those against it would be thrown in jail. "Get up, Arlert!"

And being nudged in the back by the barrel of the boy's gun, Armin just sat next to Hanji, shaking his head in negative at her questioning look. He really wasn't in the mood to talk about it. The blow to his heart was still too recent, and that particular wound would take long to heal.

The next stop was Shiganshina... And he had no idea what lay ahead, but he still knew that the situation, whatever the circumstances, would not be happy.

While the others didn't go ahead, Eren remained silent beside Mikasa, without looking at her. He just waited for the moment when they would be alone in that open area. Or at least almost alone, as a carriage would still wait for them a few feet away. Shortly thereafter, Eren told the boy who was holding her to leave too – he knew she wouldn't react, after all – and only turned to her when he was sure no one could hear them. The girl, in turn, stared at him intensely, searching his male face for any sign that Eren, her Eren, was still there. She hoped it was all just a long and terrible nightmare.

The reality was too hard to accept.

"Your gaze bothers me... Mikasa," he finally said, rousing her from her reverie. Was 'Mikasa' back now they were alone? His voice, hoarse and slurred, denoted the weariness that pervaded him.

She deliberately ignored him, keeping her analytical gaze on his face.

"When will this farce end, Eren?" She asked, pleading in her voice. Her brows furrowed and her dark eyes flickered with tears that threatened to drain but were held tightly. She was so confused, so worried… She still couldn't believe anything that had happened around that table.

Eren let out a nasal laugh, blinking his eyes slowly.

"You're smarter than that," he said, without losing his indifferent pose.

"I just know this isn't you!" Mikasa said nervously. Her breath lost its beat. If her hands were free, they would surely be squeezing his arms, almost to the point of shaking him to regain consciousness. "Why don't you tell me what's going on...?" She stepped closer, still staring at him. "Is it so bad that you want to push us away like this?" The fear in her gaze was such that it made Jaeger's eyelids flicker for a moment, while he let out a slight tsc of irritation.

Mikasa always affected him like this.

He lowered his face to hers, his eyes narrowed, and he questioned menacingly:

"You still don't understand the situation, do you?" She was quiet, but looked at him hard. "Not surprising," he continued. "You're naive, Mikasa."

She knew she wasn't. They had grown up together, had been best friends for ten years… How could she not know him? It was not ingenuity, it was facts. Eren would never do that without a good reason.

"I may be being foolish, but…" Mikasa paused for a moment, seeming to reflect. "If I'm someone who lives solely on instinct, as you say... So I'm not wrong," she said with conviction, using his argument to her advantage and taking him by surprise.

He let himself be affected for just a few seconds.

"You like to be tied to me like a slave, don't you?" Eren asked rhetorically, his eyes conveying a hate never before seen by her. The purpose was to hurt her even more. Move her away. End any notion of friendship she still seemed to sustain.

Mikasa swallowed, her jaw twitching as much from the hurt that was beginning to erupt inside her, as well as the pain of silently moving her own hand to free herself from the shackles. Even if she didn't want to get carried away by that mask, she couldn't deny that she was deeply shaken by everything he'd said.

"What's wrong, Mikasa?" Eren scoffed, raising an eyebrow. "Does truth always make you speechless like that?"

The sound of the slap that echoed through the wind was the only audible thing besides their breath. Some birds flew away. Time seemed to stop for a thousandth of a second. A trickle of blood ran down Eren's nose again – which had been sensitive ever since Armin's punch – and he stared at Mikasa with an unreadable look as he dried the blood with the back of his hand.

Mikasa could never seriously hurt him, that was true. But since they were kids, she always hit him when she thought it was necessary, and now it would be no different. To slap him was inevitable. Her right hand reddened and her pulse was already starting to swell, the searing pain of dislocation bothering her to the point of making her growl angrily. However, if she was going to compare that kind of physical pain to the pain that was tightening her heart at the moment, she was aware of how insignificant it was. She had endured things much, much worse than that. After all, being constantly on the brink of death was part of a soldier's life.

But she had never suffered such a great and pitiful betrayal.

With that in mind, it was not at all difficult for Mikasa to grasp the sprained wrist with her left hand – the cuff remained dangling – and to put it back in place, teeth clenched and a roar of hatred.

"We could have rebuilt our home, Eren." She took a deep breath from the pain, opening and closing the throbbing hand. "I thought you wanted that too... So why are you following this path?"

Eren watched her with the same look that gave nothing away. She didn't notice, but at no point did he signal that he would return the aggression as he had to Armin.

"Don't intrude on my affairs anymore, Mikasa," he ordered seriously. "Like I said before, I am free."

"What freedom is it that makes you hurt the people you love? I don't understand." She looked at him sadly, making clear her disappointment at the choices he seemed to be making.

Memories flooded Eren's mind, and his fists clenched tightly at his sides.

"Love has no use in a world like this," he said, but he didn't know if it was Mikasa he was trying to convince. "All I got for loving someone..." The images of all the people he had lost jutted into his head. "...was loneliness," he added. "Love is a weakness, Mikasa. And weakness is something I won't allow myself to have. No more." His green eyes sparkled with a determination hard to understand. Love was the feeling that got in the way of his goals. Then he would get rid of it.

Mikasa's lips lifted in a melancholy smile.

"In that we agree." She nodded. "Love is really a weakness. And that's just why I'm in front of you now, Eren." He knew it was true. Regardless of the outcome, she could react without worry if it was anyone else in his place. But it wasn't.

The step he took toward her, nearly wiping out the last bit of space between them, was involuntary, and his hand slowly began to rise to her delicate face.

"What did you want to talk to me?" She asked abruptly, with a touch of seriousness and conformity in her Asian features, and Eren realized what he was about to do. His hand receded as fast as it had advanced, not even reaching its destination.

He seemed incredulous to himself and somewhat annoyed at his lack of self-control.

"The consequences," he said suddenly, ignoring his own slip, and Mikasa frowned, even more confused. "I'll deal with all of them." He pulled her hard and fast, pinning her arms behind her back again. On impact, all she could do was let out her breath with surprise – she didn't even realize she'd held it.

"Is it worth it?" The girl asked with a gasp and could not help it: the repressed tears came back hard, pouring from her eyes without hindrance and sliding down the face already filled with pain and tiredness.

She no longer had the strength to fight. Not at that moment. Not with him.

Eren fell silent and for a moment his breathing was the only thing noticeable in the silence. Mikasa also thought she heard his heart beating fast, but did he really still have one? Maybe it was all an illusion of her head.

"Time will answer me," he said at last. And before receiving a blow to the back of the neck, Mikasa could have sworn she heard something like "I'm sorry." A whisper carried by the wind. A phrase so inaudible that it might not even have been said.

Her eyes closed to the darkness.

And there was no way out. She must be really delirious, because no, nothing was fine.