Firstly- I apologize for the hiatus. Secondly- I'm going to be staying a few episodes behind the show, so I can formulate to conform to Kirkman's story line. Thanks for reading! :)

"Hey." Carl Grimes leaned in the doorway of their room- her room, now, that her Dad was gone.

The shades were drawn, fending off the daylight, and she laid on the bed in the darkness, staring at the ceiling in silence.

She lifted her head slightly, looking over at him but saying nothing.

Carl frowned, stepping into the room. "Your arm hurting again?"

She shook her head, exhaling.

"Then... what is it? You've been up here for two days. That's not like you..."

"I'm fine. Just tired."

"Everyone's getting ready, you know. We're going to war. Gabriel might be missing, but Dad's gonna find him, and then we'll be back to gathering weapons..."

"Good for him."

Carl frowned. "Okay... now I know something is wrong."

"Get the hell out of my room." she growled.

Carl blinked. "...what?"

"You heard me. Out. Now."

Carl turned, frowning. "I'll be in my room if you wanna talk or something." he sounded a bit annoyed at suddenly being kicked out of her room, but she didn't notice the concerned look he threw over his shoulder at her before he did as she said and left, slipping into the hall and leaving her alone in the darkness.

It was Jamie's weird mood that is what had him elect to stay behind as Rick loaded up the cars with Michonne and the others going to look for Gabriel.

"You don't wanna come?" Rick frowned, looking slightly surprised by the news.

Carl shrugged from where he had his hands in his jean pockets. "I just think someone should stay back and help Jamie hold down the fort, is all."

"Right. How's she doing? I was hoping that the letter from Daryl cheered her up..." Rick continued loading supplies into the car trunk.

Jamie wasn't allowed outside the walls. Not since Negan had taken a shine to her. She'd stopped asking permission to go out with them, knowing she'd most always be denied.

Rick hadn't seen her since last night, but considering the episode with Gabriel going missing and their hurried departure to find him- well, he didn't have time to investigate.

"She's been quiet lately." Michonne noted with a frown.

"Her arm's been broken. She's like Daryl- she doesn't complain." Rick said simply. "And given everything that's happened- she's been good to have in the walls. She's handled some pretty big incidents with Negan."

"Right." Carl said simply, thinking back to the girl who was snapping at him for asking simple questions an hour or two ago.

Still, he'd have time to puzzle her out later.

"How long will you guys be gone for?" he doubted Jamie was up to dealing with Negan right now, if he did chose to show up while everyone was gone. After last time, he was hesitant to deal with the man again.

"As long as it takes to get him back. It's not far- we'll be back in a day or two, probably. I'm hoping for tonight, personally. Think you and Jamie can keep this place running until then?"

"Yeah, shouldn't be a problem."

Rick smiled at him, shutting the trunk and nodding to Michonne. "Alright then- let's go."

Carl only let his confident smile drop when the taillights of their convoy had vanished down the road.

He took a deep breath, preparing himself to go back into the lion's den.

The door to Jamie's room was closed.

He hesitated before knocking, thinking he'd heard a weird sound, before glass was shattering.

"Fuck!"

Instantly, he was barreling into the room, finding Jamie had thrown a glass at the wall- it'd shattered into a thousand pieces onto the carpet below.

Jamie herself was currently standing, every muscle taut, panting, tears streaming down her face.

Carl was taken aback, and for a moment, he just stood, uncertain and looking at the scene before him. "...Jamie?"

Her head snapped up, and her expression crumbled further, if that was possible. She practically dissolved in front of him, harsh breathing and tears the only thing visible for a moment, before she kicked the wall, leaving a good dent in it.

"I'm so sick of this shit! I'm fucking done! I hate it, I hate all of it!"

She stalked over to her bed, grabbing the pillow and hurling it at his face. He caught it, but she didn't even notice, as she paced the room like a caged tiger, as the words continued to pour out.

"I don't give a fuck about Negan, or weapons, fighting a war, or any of it anymore! It's been two months- I wanna see my Dad!" and with that said, she slid down to the floor and started sobbing.

Carl paused, tossing the pillow that'd been hurled at him on the bed and walking over, crouching over to he was sitting beside her.

Jamie was crying quietly now, her shoulders shaking with tears and whimpers that were so uncharacteristic of the girl he knew. He did the only thing he could think of- he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug.

"I'm sorry."

She pulled back enough to look up at him, tear-streaked face glittering with anguish. "Yeah, well sorry isn't good enough anymore! I've done what they said for so long- I've been inside these walls for two months, lying to Negan, pretending I don't care about any of you, trying to keep things together." She sniffed, scrubbing at her eye in frustration.

"And even that isn't good enough. Spencer still died. Eugene still got taken. Negan's still bleeding us dry for supplies. What is this all for, anyways!?"

Carl blinked, surprised at how raw her hoarse voice was. How long had she been thinking this?

"It's not gonna be like that anymore. We're fighting back, we'll get out..."

"You don't know how much I wanna believe that." she admitted, sniffing and gasping roughly. "But I'm not sure if we're gonna win it. Some people are gonna die. They always do." they were both looking at the floor, trying to avoid the obvious truth in the statement.

"And... it just sucks. All this stuff we've done. All the lies we've told, all the supplies we gave, the sacrifices we made- and I'm afraid I'm gonna get killed in a war before I ever get to see my Dad again."

Carl let his eyes fall closed, taking a breath. What could he say to that? To any of that? She wasn't wrong. Anything he said to try and reassure her was superficial and cliche.

"I wasn't made for this. The politics, the lying, staying inside the walls. I thought I could handle it. I didn't really have a choice- everyone's struggling, with Negan, and all..."

She sniffed. "But god, I miss him... I feel like such a bitch. Everyone else has more than pulled their weight, but I'm just sitting here crying."

Carl realized it then. "You never left."

"What?"

"After... after that night, with Negan- you never left Alexandria. Maggie, Sasha, Rosita, Enid, me- everyone- has gotten to go out on a mission or escaped to the Hilltop at one point or another. Dad and Michonne and everybody have been going scavenging, and we just... left you here. Inside the walls. To wait for Negan to come around so you could lie to him for us. He broke your arm, and he took your Dad, and you've just been rotting here trying to do the impossible."

"Yeah. I have." she didn't deny any of it, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, resting her chin atop them.

"You're not weak. I'm surprised you lasted that long. I'm sorry- I didn't realize what it had been doing to you, just sitting here, waiting for the next disaster and thinking about your Dad..." Carl frowned, taking a deep breath. "It was the letter, wasn't it?"

She nodded, screwing her eyes shut and struggling to keep her breathing steady and stop herself from dissolving into tears again.

The letter from her father had brought everything to a head- it'd highlighted all her fears, all her wants- she wanted to much more than that stupid letter she'd had to burn- she wanted her Dad back...

"What did he look like? You saw him on the run, right? How was he?" she looked over at him desperately.

"He looked good. A little dirty, but he looked okay. He was more upset you weren't with us. He wanted to come back really bad- my Dad had to make him stay at the Kingdom..."

Carl trailed off, standing. He moved to grab her backpack, looking over at her calmly.

"How about you ask him how he's doing yourself?"

She looked over at him questioningly.

Carl sighed. "Everyone in the group has had a chance to get outside the walls and escape this for a bit. I think it's your turn."

"But your Dad... Negan..."

"My Dad's gone. You'll have a day's head start. And Negan was convinced you were a vagrant anyways- if he shows up, I'll tell him you headed for the hills."

"But..."

"Hey, no buts. There's a war that's gonna happen soon- if you wanna see your Dad before, there's no time to think. You have go go now. I can't go with you- my Dad needs me here- but I can draw you a map. The kingdom's a day or two's walk from here, but you'll have to avoid the highway- there's a big herd there."

He was already moving, grabbing a piece of paper from the desk and a pen, starting to scrawl.

"Listen, you've been through a lot. I'm sure my Dad will understand when he gets back- and you won't be gone long, anyways. Just... be careful, alright?"

He was slightly surprised as she grabbed him, squeezing hard.

"Thank you so much."

"Don't mention it. I think your Dad wants to see you too. And with any luck, you'll get there pretty quick and I won't get into too much trouble for letting you do this. But even if I do- I'm okay with it. You've been doing a lot, and I'll make my Dad get it if I have to."

"Forget it." she frowned as Carl emerged with two cans of food from the already sparse pantry. "I'm not taking that. Food is sparse as it is."

"Take one, at least. I'm not sending you out there with no food. That's just stupid."

He was already moving, grabbing a water bottle and filling it from the sink, putting it beside her backpack. She'd already packed a blanket and a few pairs of clothes.

The screen door shutting broke the silence, and both of them looked up like deer in the headlights.

"What are you guys doing?" Enid stood in the doorway, looking at them with eyebrows raised and wide eyes.

"This isn't what it looks like." Carl started.

"Really? Because it looks like she's taking our stuff and leaving. And you're helping her." Enid leaned back against the wall, crossing her arms.

"I wouldn't steal from the group. I'm not taking that stuff- food's scarce enough as it is." Jamie pushed the cans back towards Carl, sliding the water bottle into her back pack. "I'll hunt on my way there."

"So you're just leaving?" Enid asked, looking slightly surprised.

"I'm not leaving for good. I'm coming back. I wanna go see my Dad at the Kingdom. I haven't seen him in two months, except for when Negan brought him here, and if I'm going to fight in this war, I'm gonna at least go see him first."

"You're gonna wanna avoid the highway, if Carl didn't already tell you that." Enid stepped forward, and Jamie nodded, still looking skeptical.

"I won't say anything. You're not taking supplies. If you think you can make it, I don't see a problem with it. You know how to get there?"

"Got ti covered. Map." Carl held up his map proudly, looking proud of his creating.

Enid took it from his hands, nodding slightly.

"Right. There's a subdivision here, and a bridge here if you need an alternate route. It was clear when I went through it- I'm not sure if it is now. But it's farther from the highway." she grabbed a red pen from the mug on the counter and started sketching her own additions, nodding with satisfaction.

"If you skip the subdivision and take this road, you'll find a little town- there's an antique shop on the main street. Abandoned but nice. Good safe house. I have a couple of cans of food and a water bottle stashed in a china cabinet on the second floor. Makes a good halfway point. You might wanna spend the night there."

Carl blinked, looking surprised at how much she knew.

Enid shrugged. "I scavenged the area for awhile before I got here. Besides-" she looked up at Jamie, brown eyes serious. "If I still had parents, I'd do whatever it took to see them. Be careful. You'd better come back, understand?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Hey- thank you, for the help."

Enid shrugged. "Don't mention it." she gave both her and Carl a playful smirk. "Seriously. If Rick asks who gave you the map, don't mention it. I don't wanna get in trouble for this."

Carl laughed slightly, and even Jamie grinned a little.

"Jump the wall in the back and make your way around. I'll cover for you as long as I can." Carl promised.

She was pulling him into a long hug that he returned, before nodding to Enid and creeping out the back door.

As soon as her feet hit the ground on the other side of the wall, she took off running.

She was DONE staying behind.