Tissaia dropped into the armchair by the bookcase and traced the pattern on the blanket folded up and draped over its arm. She watched Yennefer silently for a few moments and then closed her eyes. Triss waited for the Rectoress to compose herself, still shaken from seeing the crack in her indifferent demeanour. It's not that Triss had ever doubted that Tissaia cared for her students, for the young women that she had trained and guided over decades. Rather, she had never expected that love to run so deep, or for Tissaia to be so troubled by the state of her former charge. Tissaia was never one to admit that she cared or to show it in her face, until now.
"Everything I have done for Yennefer," the Rectoress said calmly after a few moments, "everything I have done to her, it has all been for her own good, Triss." Tissaia paused and turned to look at Triss "I swear it."
"I believe you, Tissaia." Triss sat down on the edge of a small side table beside the armchair. Tissaia didn't comment, another indication at her disturbed state. "But why have you done these things?"
"To keep her safe," Tissaia replied curtly. Then she sighed and bent her head back, rubbing her palm over her forehead and the top of her head. "Nilfgaard and the Brotherhood search for her, but I intend to give her to neither. She shall stay here, with me."
"What do they want with her?"
"To make an example of her, I imagine, though I don't care to entertain how."
Triss frowned. Yennefer must have done something after all, but what could have gotten her in trouble with the mages and the south? She leaned forward, bringing her face closer to Tissaia's.
"What has Yennefer done, Tissaia? The other mages speak of her in whispers and dare not say her name. Tell me, please, what sort of trouble is she in?"
"Trouble so deep that I'm not sure even I can save her from it," Tissaia replied quietly, looking sideways at the bed. After a pause, she continued. "Yennefer decimated Nilfgaard's last approach using forbidden magic. She unleashed her chaos on the hillside destroying everything for miles, except for me, and it has left her weak and vulnerable. Chaos has taken control of her completely and it threatens to kill her, either by doing the job itself or by alerting those that would seek to harm her to her presence. The Brotherhood has branded her a traitor, and would no doubt seek to execute her slowly and painful for all the difficulty she has caused them, yet I fear she would fair better with them than if she fell into Fringilla's hands. Even three days past I still feel her anger and hatred lingering inside of me. She is driven in equal parts by the desire to serve her Emperor well, and by the need to crush anyone that stands in Nilfgaard's way.
"And so now you know, Triss, for all the good that will do. Yennefer has made two very powerful and dangerous enemies, one from either side of the continent, and I know not where else she might be safe to rest other than here, with me, under my care and protection. Yet, though Aretuza is my house, I live under the eye of the Brotherhood. I had to take precautions to keep Yennefer safe and hidden, and if they seem cruel to you than I would ask that you offer an alternative for I have searched and found nothing."
Triss leant back as Tissaia got to her feet. She moved over to the vanity that Triss has been rifling through before she had arrived and started moving things around, putting everything back in order. Triss watched her silently, blinking away the tears forming in her eyes. With the second draw still hanging open, Tissaia turned around, fingers gripping the edge of the vanity.
"Despise me for it, if you must," she said, "but do not interfere, Triss. I shall not risk Yennefer's safety to suit your fanciful ideals. This is the only way to keep her safe and if you find this task too great, or too cruel, then I suggest that you leave now because you shall not enjoy what else there is to learn."
Tissaia stayed by the vanity, waiting, and Triss felt her piercing gaze on the back of her head as she buried her face in her hands. How had her night come to this? She'd left the sanctuary of her bed in the ward to search for peace only to find herself surrounded with the same sort of pain and trouble that she had been trying to avoid. Too many fears already haunted her hours, she did not need more trouble to bear. Yet she could not leave Tissaia to handle this alone. She was already cracking under the weight of it. Besides, Yennefer was her friend and Triss would not forgive herself easily if she let her go.
"I want to stay, Tissaia, and help you both," Triss answered.
"Yennefer is all that you should concern yourself with."
"I don't think she is. Look at yourself, Tissaia, you're coming undone. You left the door to your quarters open and unguarded. What if someone other than me had discovered her?"
"I'll admit that I made a mistake, but I would hardly say that such a brief moment of carelessness warrants your concern. I was simply caught off guard by the Council's summons. It won't happen again."
Triss nodded. She wanted to press the matter further, but she knew better than to think Tissaia would admit more about her state than she already had.
"I'll do what you need me to, Tissaia," Triss said, standing up and moving towards the Rectoress. "And though I do not yet know whether I agree with your methods, I do not believe that they will be enough to hide her forever. You must know that you cannot keep Yennefer here if you wish to hide her from the Brotherhood, they will find her eventually. Your absence has already caused a stir and questions that you cannot answer will soon follow."
Tissaia hung her head and sighed. "I know, Triss," she said to the floor, "but-"
Triss leant over the foot of the bed as Yennefer groaned and started moving beneath the covers. She felt Tissaia brush past her as she sat on the edge of the bed beside Yennefer's head. Tissaia reached for a silver pitcher in the large draw at the bottom of the bedside table and covered the top with one of her hands. Triss overheard the incantation that she made, and saw her brows furrow in concentration as she conjured enough apple juice to fill the pitcher. Tissaia poured out a glass and then took the small vial she had left on the table earlier and emptied its cloudy contents into the drink, swirling it carefully.
"Yennefer… Yennefer can you hear me?" Tissaia called softly while she stroked the younger woman's face.
"Tis- Tissaia?" Yennefer mumbled, turning her head slowly to the sound of the Rectoress' voice. "Where-"
"Hush, girl, don't worry yourself. All is well. Drink this, and then I shall fetch a candle."
Tissaia helped raise up Yennefer's head and held the goblet to her lips as she drank. When it was gone, Tissaia set the goblet back down and stroked Yennefer's hair as her head inched sideways. Within minutes of waking up, Yennefer was fast asleep again.
Triss rubbed her fingers against one of the glossy wooden poles of the fourposter bed as Tissaia put the pitcher and goblet away and hide the empty vile in the bookcase with the other bottles. They were sleeping draughts, strong ones too. One vial would be enough to keep Yennefer asleep for half the day. Tissaia had several bottles, half of which were already empty, and Triss wondered how many times Tissaia had drugged Yennefer without her knowledge.
"It is the only way to keep her calm – manageable," Tissaia said in response to her silence. "When she is awake, Yennefer panics and rages over the loss of her sight. It's enough to alert anyone on this floor and below it."
"Yennefer is blind?!"
Tissaia chuckled under her breath and sat back down in her armchair. She was holding a bottle of wine and two goblets, setting both on the table and filling them halfway. Tissaia beckoned Triss forwards with a finger, and she took the goblet from the table, sitting in the chair opposite.
"Did you think I bound her eyes simply because I could?" Tissaia mocked.
"Why not, when there is dimeritium shackled to her wrists?"
The goblet froze half-way to Tissaia's lips as she narrowed her eyes at Triss who took a sip of her wine to break away from her gaze.
"Did I not already stress the importance of keeping Yennefer's presence concealed, Triss?" Tissaia replied coldly. "Dimeritium does so and it is better than any spell or enchantment because its effects cannot be broken. You know this, yet you still desire to picture me as Yennefer's captor, to see her as my prisoner, as you say."
"That's not true, Tissaia. I'm sorry, I simply didn't think. You must see that this is all rather overwhelming."
Tissaia seemed to consider her for a moment, staring at her over the rim of her goblet before taking a drink and setting it down.
"The bandages around her face," she said, "I made them to help her eyes heal, but progress will be slow. It could be months, maybe even years before Yennefer's sight is fully restored. And until such a time, I am unable to let her wake and regain control of her chaos for she succumbs to the darkness and cannot be stilled.
"Do you see my predicament, Triss? How I am stuck in a vicious cycle. I must keep Yennefer chained and sleeping to stop her chaos or her voice from calling out to all those that search for her, and I cannot teach her control while she is blinded or under the nose of those that mean her harm. I am trapped between the desire to keep her safe, and to see her get well. And as one cannot happen without the other, it is her security that I have chosen. I would do more for her health if I could, but my energy is mostly spent on my own recovery, and on sustaining her." Tissaia looked over her shoulder at the bed, her lips pinched together. "I've nothing else left to give," she whispered.
Triss leant forwards and placed her hand over Tissaia's as she balled the blanket up in her fist. Tissaia was right. She had already sacrificed a lot and risked even more to get Yennefer this far, yet it wasn't enough. Yennefer couldn't stay here, and Tissaia couldn't go. She needed somewhere else to recover, and someone to care for her in a way that Tissaia could not.
"We'll think of something," Triss said, squeezing Tissaia's hand.
The Rectoress nodded and they fell into silence.
Poor Tissaia. Please don't feel so bad! I hope this offered as much angst as you expected. I'm not so good at writing this truly heartfelt stuff (what is emotion?)
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