A/N: I'm really pleased that you're all enjoying this story so much. Thanks ever so much to all of you taking the time to read and review.
Much love! xx-Kitten.
Limerence Laws
By Kittenshift17
CHAPTER FOUR
Black laughed when Granger flipped him off and Severus thought seriously about hexing the pair of them. A nightmare. This must be some wretched nightmare he was going to wake up from any second now.
"When she begins to vomit, Black, I'm going to let you handle it," Severus informed the laughing anigmagus, curling his lip in disgust with both of them.
"Not my living space," Black retorted. "Not my problem. You don't mind if she pukes here, right Snivellus?"
Severus's anger skyrocketed at the hated nickname Black and his foul friends had given him in school. He watched the way Black's smirk grew wider when the hand Severus clutched the bottle of whiskey with began to twitch with the urge to fling it at Black.
"Are you two going to argue like this for the rest of our lives?" Hermione spoke up and Severus slanted a slitted gaze in her direction.
"This is entirely your fault, witch," he reminded her coldly. "If not for your utterly shallow infatuations, we would not be in this situation. As such, your right to bitch about the results of forcing us into close quarters is negated."
"Oi, don't talk to her like that," Black snapped at him.
"Stay out of this, Mutt," Severus retorted.
"Oh, enough!" Granger grumbled, setting her bottle of whiskey - uncapped - upon Severus's coffee table. "Bitching about being stuck in this mess isn't going to bloody fix it and I will not play referee to the two of you while you act like children for the length of this ridiculous marriage! I appreciate that you have a complicated history, but unless you're willing to give up your magic and become muggles, you have no choice but to come to some kind of truce!"
Severus eyed the witch like she were barmy, noting the Black did the same. She stared at the two of them with little blue sparks of raw magic crackling amid her curls.
"Not going to happen, love," Black informed her. "Twenty-five years of hatred doesn't just up and vanish because you say so."
Severus expected that she might deflate in defeat and so he wasn't expecting it when she took a large step toward the animagus until she was nose to nose with him, or would be if she weren't nearly an entire foot shorter than Black.
"Sirius Black, you will learn to be civil to him!" she said fiercely, her eyes flashing.
Black didn't reply, though he looked sceptical on the idea.
"And you," Granger spun and stomped right over until she invaded his personal space and Severus glared down his nose at the impertinent little witch. "You will refrain from picking fights with him or so help me, I'll hex the two of you together with a Permanent Sticking Charm."
Severus smirked cruelly at the witch for her rapidly failing nerve as she realised just who it was she spoke to. Her face paled slightly when he simply stared at her, enjoying the way she slowly lost her bolster in the face of his impending reaction.
"Tell me something, Hermione," Severus purred, lowering his voice to the silken purr that seemed to so unsettle her and watching the way the hairs on her arms stood up. "Is it simply liquid courage, or is it perhaps imagined power that's fuelled this venture into madness?"
Severus smirked a little wider when he caught the way Black's eyes widened at his words before a little shiver rocked through him as well. Now, there was an interesting reaction. Severus would admit that things between him and Black had never been anything less than explosive; constant shouting, snarling cruel words and spitting hexes at one another. He had never had any call to use upon Black the voice he so often used to placate the Dark Lord or to lure his students to further stupidity. Indeed, Severus knew that though he may not have been gifted with the best of physiques, or the handsomest of faces, he had been rather fortunate enough to possess the type of voice that could make a witch wet simply by uttering a few words.
"Neither!" Granger retorted, apparently rallying her Gryffindor courage. "Under ordinary circumstances I would not dream of telling either of you what to do. But this is not an ordinary circumstance and some form of civility must be reached between the two of you. I, for one, will not be giving up my magic and living as a muggle. And I say this with the full knowledge that were there no other choice, I not only would survive doing so, but would excel at doing so. If, however, the choice falls to living as a muggle - no matter how equipped I might be for such a thing - or marrying to two of you, despite the age difference, the animosity and the utterly uncomfortable experience it will undoubtedly be, I will be choosing the latter. Therefore I expect the two of you to act your age, or, at the very least, to act with as much maturity as I am showing right now. Yes, the two of you will be forced into close quarters. Yes, the entire wizarding world – I'm sure – must be aware of your nasty history. Yes, it's unfortunate, and yes, it's my bloody fault. But both of you need to get used to it long enough to tie the fucking knot before getting on with business as usual."
"Business as usual?" Black chuckled from behind her, moving closer until he stood almost directly behind Granger. "Haven't you read the fine-print, 'Mione? There won't be any more business as usual. You have school, Snape's got to teach and I'm not allowed to leave the bloody house. So I'll be having to move in here, locked in and driving you both mad."
"All the more reason for the two of you to be civil to one another," Granger maintained stubbornly, but Severus could tell from the way she lowered her chin and the way she eyed the buttons on the front of his robes rather than continuing to hold his gaze or attempting to look at Black over her shoulder that being so close to the two of them at once made her uncomfortable.
"And how do you propose we do that, Miss Granger, given that we each have tried to kill the other in the past?" Severus asked her quietly, darting a glance at Black over her head before looking at the petite witch once more.
She sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping slightly as though defeated.
"I don't know," she muttered. "Can we not just... be adults about this? I'm hardly any more thrilled than either of you about this ridiculous law."
"At least you got a say in who you ended up with," Black retorted bluntly.
"Oh, yes." She rolled her eyes, her head jerking up once more before she shot a glare at the animagus over her shoulder. "Because I made the conscious decision to pick the two of you, Sirius? Tell me, given that your canine sense of smell can likely pick up on the scents of attraction when someone is experiencing it, have you ever done so when I've been in your presence or Snape's?" Hermione demanded, her eyes narrowed. "No? Then what makes you think I had any more say in the turnout of this mess?"
"They are called Limerence Laws, Miss Granger," Severus reminded her. "Meaning that the matches were chosen based on infatuation. And as you are the only one of the three of us who was summoned to the Ministry prior to this announcement, it is obvious that the choice was made based on your preferences."
Severus watched the witch sigh again before she stepped out from between the two of them, swaying slightly as though all the alcohol she'd ingested so rapidly had just kicked in. Eyeing Black for a moment, Severus watched the way the wizard eyed him in return and he wasn't sure if he ought to be more or less alarmed at having the animagus in his quarters when, for the first time in Severus's memory, he didn't look completely hostile whilst staring at him.
"Don't start," Black cut him off when Severus opened his mouth, intending to say something cutting to get them back on familiar ground.
"It's not what you think," Granger said, moving back over to the armchair she'd sat in earlier and picking up the teapot Dobby had delivered. She poured the tea into three separate cups and Severus watched her set about making it three different ways. For Black, she added a dollop of honey and set it aside to cool. For Severus himself, she left it strong, black and unsweetened, pausing only to add a dash of cold water. And for herself she made it milky but unsweetened before lifting it to her lips.
"Explain what types of things the Ministry asked you, love," Black spoke, his words slightly slurred from his intoxication even as he set down his own bottle of whiskey and picked up the tea she'd made for him. He dropped down to sit on the couch and eyed Granger over the rim of it.
Severus recognised the expression he wore. Torn between concern for the fact that she was so very young compared to the two of them, with a touch of curiosity spurred by the fact that they'd both been informed they would have to fuck her in the near future. It was a look of thinly veiled intrigue with just a hint of worry.
"They asked standard questions at first," Granger sighed after sipping her tea before setting it aside. "You know? Name, age, occupation, that sort of thing. Then they got into things pertaining to my health. Had I ever been pregnant? Did I have any children? That kind of rot. Then they got personal. Am I a virgin? What do I look for in a wizard? Would I care if he has, or had, a criminal history? What traits was I most attracted to? What sort of appearance did I find appealing."
"And?" Black asked, looking curious.
"And I told them." She shrugged her slim shoulders. "And now here we are."
"Suggesting you do, in fact, have some sort of infatuation with one or both of us," Severus pointed out.
Her eyes flashed up to meet his in annoyance.
"You know, Sirius was right in my third year. You often jump to the wrong conclusion," she snapped. Severus narrowed his yes on her hatefully while Black began to chuckle.
"Told you," he stated. Severus thought about hexing the idiot.
"The evidence, Hermione," Severus retorted. "Would prove that statement wrong."
"The evidence, Severus," she hissed in return, startling him with the venom with which she spoke his first name. "Shows only that they asked what I look for in a wizard. To which I replied; intelligence, wit, volatility, charisma, power and a sense of humour. The only other question they asked was whether I liked light or dark hair, which I replied to as preferring dark hair, the darker the better."
"That's all they had to go on?" Sirius asked and Severus narrowed his eyes.
"That's it. They didn't suggest that I might end up with either of you, let alone both of you. They didn't ask me if there was someone I fancied - and trust me, if they had, I'd not have said either of you!" she snapped. "Do you think this is what I want? One of you has been my teacher - my surly, cutting, cruel and least favourite teacher, I might add - since I entered the wizarding world. The other is the godfather of my best friend and is someone I have, on occasion thought of with the same type of fondness I might apply to a kind uncle. Excuse me if I would like the three of us to be civil enough to bloody well get past that type of thing and get on with this mess without all going for each other's throats."
Severus sighed, slanting a glance at Black and finding him frowning as he continued to eye Granger. Crossing to collect the tea she'd made for him - and feeling rather suspicious that the witch knew how he liked his tea to begin with - Severus supposed that as he so often was forced to do, he was going to have to put his personal distaste for the situation aside long enough to get through the day.
~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~
Sirius looked around the dungeon chamber with bleary eyes, trying to keep everything in focus. He was beginning to think he shouldn't have had quite so much to drink, even if learning that he was going to have to marry Hermione and Snivellus did warrant getting black-out drunk.
"So..." he said when the three of them sat in uncomfortable silence for several long minutes after Hermione's statement about getting along and acting like adults.
"If you could refrain from speaking, Black, this process would be rather smoother," Snape informed him in that silky tone that did something funny to him. Sirius didn't like it. That tone made him feel funny inside and made the hairs on his arms stand up.
"Try not to be such an arse for ten minutes, Snape!" Sirius rolled his eyes. "How the fuck is this meant to work?"
"Did you not read your letter?" Snape snarked at him, looking annoyed.
"Oh, I read it. I poured over the fucking thing. I know what we're supposed to do. I want to know what we all plan to do?"
"Get married, obviously," Hermione replied, leaning back in her chair and putting an arm over her face.
"Yeah, because that's going to go so well when you think of me as an uncle and you hate Snape," Sirius rolled his eyes.
"I don't hate him," Hermione replied without lifting her arm from her face. "And I didn't say I think of you as…. Oh, forget it."
Sirius and Severus both scoffed at the very idea of her not hating him. Sirius didn't believed that for a second and obviously Snivellus didn't either.
"I don't!" she protested, lifting her arm to peer at them. "I may not be particularly fond of your teaching methods when it comes to being needlessly cruel and terribly biased - even if I do understand why you have to act that way in front of your Slytherin students. But I have never claimed to hate you, Professor."
"You're friends with Potter, Miss Granger, I hardly think that you could manage to interact with him for any amount of time without hating me," Snape replied dryly.
"As a matter of fact, I'm the usually one reminding him not to hex you in class," she replied.
"Out of concern for his safety, not mine."
Sirius smirked.
"Technicalities." Hermione flicked her fingers at his words dismissively and Sirius began to laugh.
"She's fun when she's drunk," he said to Snape, amused by how loose her tongue got when she'd had a few. Snape glanced at him as though shocked that he was capable of speaking to him in a manner that wasn't entirely hostile, even if he was laughing at Snape's expense
"She's going to regret every word when she sobers back up," Snape replied dangerously. Sirius shivered again. Fucking bastard with his tone. He was going to have to figure out a way to block out that silken tone that he didn't doubt could lure anyone into just about anything.
"What are you going to do?" Hermione scoffed, obviously having heard Snape's threat. "Marry me?"
Sirius laughed when she began to snigger, obviously finding the very notion utterly ridiculous and thinking she'd rather taken the wind right out of Snape's sails. She was a funny little thing. Sirius could honestly say that though he'd been fond of her as a friend to Harry in the past, he'd never taken as much notice of her as he did then.
Her hair was a curly, riotous mess; so unlike his own glossy locks or even Snape's lank curtain. The colour was rich, a deep shade of chocolate shot through with strands in every colour, or so it seemed. The wild curls hung to her petite waist, drawing his eye to her slim form. She was short – shorter than he'd recalled until he got up close enough to stare down his nose at her. Slender and small she look fragile at a glance.
She'd proved she was anything but fragile by going toe-to-toe with Snape and even with Sirius himself. She certainly hadn't been afraid to get in either of their faces and she obviously wasn't going to let either one of them push her around when it came to her marriage – forced or otherwise.
"You would do well to remember that I am still you teacher, Miss Granger," Snape warned her, looking annoyed by the way she was giggling. The bloody git needed to lighten the hell up in Sirius's opinion.
"You would do well to remember that I'm your bloody fiancé and possess the ability to make your life a living hell from now on," she replied. Sirius found himself grinning at the way she'd obviously spent more than a little bit of time prior to today learning how to imitate that silken purr of Snape's. She didn't quite master it, but she gave it a fair effort and it showed that Snape wasn't thrilled about it when his lips twisted hatefully and his brow furrowed.
"You have no grasp of my position if you imagine my life isn't already a living hell," Snape retorted coldly.
"Oi! Lighten up, yeah?" Sirius shot the git a look. "Doom and gloom aren't upon us just because we have to get fuckin' married. Have a bloody drink, you surly sod. You're bloody depressing to be around when you talk like that."
"Black? Do me a favour and go fuck yourself," Snape hissed in return, his black eyes flashing at him hatefully.
"Pretty sure from here on out that's your job, mate," Sirius replied without thinking.
His own eyes widened when Snape actually choked on his tea and Hermione began to laugh so hard, she snorted.
"Bloody hell," Sirius said, his cheeks turning red over his thoughtless comment. "That was a bit out of order."
Hermione was laughing hysterically in her chair, slapping her hand against her leg as though she couldn't express her amusement through laughter alone. Sirius eyed Snape for a moment in concern, expecting a hex in the face for even suggesting the idea of the two of them shagging.
"Oh, gods! I didn't even think about that!" Hermione chortled, opening her eyes to peer between the two of them. "You two have to shag!"
She dissolved into giggles.
"Don't even think about it, Black," Snape growled.
Sirius could tell from the furious look on his face that the notion utterly repulsed him. He'd debate the idea of Snape loathing the notion because he didn't swing that way over the notion of him simply being disgusted because he was Sirius later. Right then he was trying very hard not to think about the idea of fucking anyone, let along fucking Snape.
"I'm doing my best not to. You did say something about wanting avoid having anyone puke on your floor."
Snape curled his lip in fury, obviously taking offence to the idea of Sirius finding the notion of shagging him vomit-worthy.
"I've been too busy panicking about the idea that I'm going to have to shag both of you. I completely forgot that you two would have to… ahahhahaha!" she trailed off again even as she fished her wand out of her pocket. "Gods, this is a recipe for disaster. One of us is going to die, I'm sure of it. Why don't I just save us all some time and kick off now?"
She turned the tip on herself, pulling it from somewhere while they hadn't been looking. Sirius lunged for the girl across the table. Snape did the same thing, their shoulders brushing when they both reached to wrestle the weapon from her grip before she could drunkenly off herself.
"Fucking hell!" Sirius growled, yanking her wand away from her before pinning her to the armchair, not that she put up much of a fight. "Do you have Sober-Up Potion around here, Snape?"
Snape was already on his feet and crossing the room to open a cupboard along one wall. He fished out a phial of potion and Sirius took note of where he kept them for future reference. He expected that having to live with these two would drive him to drink even more than he already did. Merlin, at this rate his liver was likely to give out before he could even hit forty.
"Drink this, Miss Granger!" Snape hissed in annoyance, forcing the potion on the witch Sirius was restraining. Not that she was putting up much of a fight toward the idea of legitimately offing herself. Maybe she'd only been being flip. Sirius narrowed his eyes at the very idea. He'd spent too many nights contemplating turning his wand on himself and too many more having to wrestle the wand out of Remus's hands to keep him from killing himself to find it even a little bit funny. When he looked at Snape, he got the distinct feeling that the bastard was thinking much the same thing.
Morgana's Muff, they were a rotten match. Hell, maybe the Ministry had the right of it after all, bitter enemies or not, he and Snivellus probably had more in common than either of them would like to acknowledge.
"Do you think he's always going to be that bossy?" Hermione asked, whispering to him as though Snape wouldn't hear her.
"Not if we can shut him up," he replied.
"I will shut you both up, permanently, if I have to!" Snape snarled at them like the wretched, sour bastard he was. "Miss Granger, drink this before I Imperius you into acting like a rational human being."
"Don't threaten her," Sirius snapped at the fucker.
Snape's sneer could've curdled milk as Hermione snatched the potion and drank it quickly. She made a face and groaned in disgust at the flavour and the effect of the potion.
"Urgh!" she managed, glaring at Snape and then at Sirius as though it were somehow their fault she'd gotten herself drunk.
"Told you it would knock you on your arse," Sirius smirked at her.
"You drink one too, Mutt" Snape ordered, crossing the sitting room to thrust a similar phial at him.
"No way in hell. I can't tolerate you sober!" Sirius shook his head, refusing to accept the potion.
Sirius blinked in shock when Snape lunged forward, gripped his chin and used his thumb to pry Sirius's teeth apart. He poured the potion into Sirius mouth before clamping his hand over his mouth until Sirius had no choice but to swallow it. The minute he'd done so, Snape let go and Sirius was on his feet. The Floo roared to life just as his fist connected with Snape's jaw.