A/N: I love you all so much for taking the time to read and review this story, despite it's outrageous matches. I can't wait to see what you think of this chapter! Much love to you all. xx-Kitten.
Limerence Laws
By Kittenshift17
CHAPTER FIVE
Hermione cringed in horror, clutching at her head when Professor Dumbledore stepped out of the fireplace just in time for Professor Snape to stumble back into the coffee table, upsetting the teapot, their discarded teacups, and the open bottle of Firewhiskey. It all tipped over, liquid going everywhere as Professor Snape lunged at Sirius in return, both of them forgetting they were wizards with wands and resorting to muggle brawling instead.
"ENOUGH!" Dumbledore roared loudly at the sight, startling the life out of Hermione given that the last time she could recall him raising his voice that way, he had been yelling over the screams of terror in her first year when Professor Quirrell had let the troll into the dungeons.
Snape and Sirius both ignored his shout, pummelling each other like schoolboys instead of acting like grown men. Hermione frowned at the sight of them, fearing that this would be what her life was reduced to. The idea of getting married for the sake of procreating sons to carry on wizarding names, and daughters to further those lines was bad enough. The idea of playing owl or Switzerland between the two bitter enemies made her want to tear her hair out.
No. It made her want to tear their hair out.
"Miss Granger, are you hurt?" Dumbledore asked when Snape slugged Sirius across the jaw and Sirius returned fire with a kidney jab. Both of them ignored the Headmaster's roared directive and Hermione looked up at the touch on her arm. She supposed that sitting slightly slumped in her chair recovering from her brief intoxication and looking at the fight like she didn't even care if they killed one another must make him think she was injured.
"I'm fine," she informed the Headmaster, shaking off the hand he placed on her arm.
She narrowed her eyes hatefully on the pair of wizards she was legally obligated to marry and leapt out of her chair. She ducked when Snape drew back to hit Sirius again, almost catching an elbow to the face. She waited for the blow to land, sending Sirius staggering back a few steps, before she stepped between the two of them. Some quick wand work drew a shield around her, just in case either of them didn't realise she was there until too late, but as soon as she was between them Hermione planted her feet and simply waited.
Sirius, in the process of correcting his balance – not easy given how drunk she suspected he was – began to lunge before he spotted her and stopped short, his fist quivering in front of her face just outside of her shields. Snape, intent on murdering Sirius it seemed, lunged from her other side, colliding with her shields heavily. Hermione held firm when he attempted to shove her out of his way.
"Miss Granger, you are in terrible danger placing yourself between the two of them," Professor Dumbledore said, once more adopting the grandfatherly tone she'd come to expect from him. Hermione eyed him, noting that for all that he warned her, he didn't look like he was going to intervene and protect her. Indeed, he looked rather intrigued, as though he wouldn't mind figuring out if they could be convinced to play nice by sticking her between the two of them.
"I feel certain that statement applies aptly to my impending marriage, sir," Hermione agreed with him.
"Move, witch!" Snape hissed at her, trying again to shove her aside and still attempting to get to Sirius.
Hermione glanced up into his face and saw that it was twisted with the blackest hatred, his dark eyes fixed upon Sirius like he was imagining ripping him limb from limb. When he recalled his own status as a wizard and his hand dove for his wand, Hermione disarmed the pair of them, catching both wands easily and blasting them both back from one another.
"If you two are quite finished?" she hissed in a cold voice, glaring at each man in turn.
Sirius looked rather contrite as the Sober-Up Potion kicked in, clearing his head and seeming to make him realise that he'd almost clobbered Hermione in his attempt to pummel Snape. He didn't look sorry for the fight, Hermione noticed. He merely seemed concerned that he'd almost hurt her in the attempt.
Snape, on the other hand, glared at both of them with the most hateful expression she'd ever seen on his face. Angrier even than the expression he tended to level at Harry in class, the man looked like he would dance for joy if they both dropped dead.
"Severus?" Dumbledore spoke when only the heavy breathing of both of men could be heard within Snape's quarters. "I would rather appreciate it if you would all be so good as to take a seat. Miss Granger, I must insist that you never throw yourself between brawling or duelling wizards in such a manner again."
Hermione levelled the Headmaster a frosty look.
"I don't imagine I'll have much choice," she replied evenly. "I assume by you presence here that you are choosing not to oppose the law and challenge the Ministry?"
It occurred to her, belatedly, that she was being rude in her bad mood but she was too furious with both her fiancés, and with the Ministry and indeed, the entire wizarding world right then, to care. Looking away when Dumbledore fixed her a pointed look that she suspected was annoyance thinly veiled by sympathetic kindness, Hermione flicked her wand at the mess upon the table, repairing the teapot and one of the cups before righting the entire set, vanishing the spilled liquid, and tidying up the mess both wizards had made.
"There is little I can do to challenge the law, Miss Granger. I am as effected by it as the three of you and indeed, as the rest of the wizarding community. It seems there is little to do but to comply, I'm afraid."
"You're not even going to try to fix this?" Sirius snarled, his eyes flashing with fury.
"I will become a muggle before I will comply," Snape said at the same time.
Hermione, on the other hand, eyed Dumbledore carefully. It occurred to her that if he was there with them rather than handling the mess over whomever he'd been matched with, it stood to reason that he'd come with the intent to manipulate them all. She had glimpsed on more than one occasion that there was far more to Professor Dumbledore's role in the war than being a powerful wizard whom Voldemort feared. He was a cunning, conniving, sly man who plotted every move on the board.
"You knew this would happen, didn't you, sir?" Hermione asked shrewdly, refusing to take a seat even when Dumbledore did.
"I had no idea the Ministry would impose such an ordinance on all of it's citizens," he denied.
"You suspected," Hermione said. "If you'd had this sprung upon you without notice or suspicion, you wouldn't be this calm about it. I get the feeling you didn't think they would force school children – namely Harry – into such a thing. But you're not here to tell us that you know a way out of this mess. You're here to ensure that all the pieces on your chess board against V-Voldemort stay where they should."
Snape hissed at the use of the Dark Lord's name in his presence.
"Miss Granger, I think you are applying me too much credit. I am merely here to ensure that this terrible law will run smoothly."
"Liar," Snape hissed, advancing on the old man. "She's right. You are here to make sure your spy in the Dark Lord's ranks doesn't bail on the magical world. You are here to make sure the mutt doesn't go upsetting the apple-cart and getting himself killed. You are here to ensure that Potter's little walking textbook doesn't end up a muggle, thus leaving the boy all but useless and the wizarding world unprotected against the Dark Lord."
Sirius glanced between all of them before he opened his mouth. He had blood running from his nose, a cut on his lip, and a rapidly blackening eye. Snape didn't look much better. He had a graze on his right cheek, a split eyebrow, and a lump on his sharp jaw.
"You want to make sure this mess doesn't let me out of the cage you've forced me into," Sirius spoke softly, a growl in his voice as his eyes flashed once more.
Dumbledore looked between the three of them for a moment, that ever present twinkle in his eyes and Hermione felt the irrational urge to lash out at the man and fling something at his head.
"I'm afraid I have come to discover your intentions," he admitted. "And with the intent of reminding you that Harry needs the three of you more than anyone else in this war. You, Miss Granger, are his best friend and as Severus rightly states, you are the person he calls upon when things go awry and he needs knowledge of our world to overcome the blunder. You, Sirius, are his Godfather. You are the man he looks up to as a father figure and the one last connection he believes he has to his parents. He has Remus of course, shortly they will be family, but you are the man he relies on as a parent, someone he leans on when he suffers the effects of his burden."
Dumbledore looked at each of them in turn, pointedly staring to the point that Hermione squirmed.
"And you, Severus. You are the only person standing between Tom's power and the Order. Without the insight you provide and the information you feed us, we would be blindly fighting against the Death Eaters and would surely have lost this battle. Harry is not yet ready to face Tom. You know this. Without you we have no way of protecting Harry long enough to see him defeat Tom."
Hermione didn't like the way he spoke so calmly about what would undoubtedly be the fight of their lives. She wanted to tell him he was wrong, that Harry would succeed without them, and that if they chose to leave the magical world to it's fate, that was their prerogative. But she knew it would do no good. She'd had every intention of trying her best to wed the two dark haired wizards she'd been matched to when she'd marched herself down to Snape's chambers in the first place. She didn't want to give up her magic and become a muggle, but neither did she want to marry Sirius and Snape.
She couldn't think of anything worse, if she was being honest. Merlin, at this point even the likes of Draco Malfoy would be preferable. He could never affect her with an acid tongue the way Snape or Sirius each could. Individually each of the wizards she'd been matched with would have been a handful. Together? It was a recipe for disaster.
Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose for a long moment in silence while everyone glared at each other, namely Snape and Sirius glaring at Dumbledore and the headmaster attempting to subtly convince them it was in their best interest to do whatever he wanted. Hermione huffed out an annoyed breath and pocketed the two wands she had confiscated, pretending she didn't see the way Snape held his hand out for his expectantly.
"It would seem that were are at an impasse, Professor Dumbledore," Hermione spoke up. She crossed the room to sit upon one of the long couches across from the armchair she'd vacated to break up the fight. Dumbledore had seated himself there in an attempt to keep this civil. Sitting on the middle cushion of the three-seat couch, Hermione crossed one leg over the other and steepled her fingers together in her lap.
"I wasn't aware that we had conflicting goals, Miss Granger," Professor Dumbledore replied pleasantly. He waved his wand and conjured a teacup for himself before magically refilling the teapot. Hermione watched the way the tea set began making them all a cup of tea in silence for another long moment.
"We do," she said finally, when a perfectly made tea levitated into her hands.
"Indeed?" he asked, one eyebrow lifting in challenge as he eyed her over the top of those half-moon spectacles.
"We do," Snape agreed. "I will not marry these two. I refuse to marry anyone."
"Professor Snape?" Hermione asked, narrowing her eyes on him in annoyance. He slanted a glare in her direction, clearly curious over the reasonable tone in her voice. "If you could take a seat so we can discuss this like adults, I'd appreciate it."
He narrowed his eyes on her hatefully.
"Sirius, you too. No, don't give me that insolent look. Sit your bloody arses down on this couch before I hex the pair of you!" Hermione snapped when both men looked like they would argue. "Now! Professor Dumbledore I'm sure you understand our shared frustrations over the notion of a match like this one. Professor Snape is, after all, my teacher. Sirius is Harry's Godfather. The idea of either of them being paired with me is ludicrous and, I suspect, part of a Death Eater plot to expose Harry to further loss. Pairing myself with Professor Snape or myself with Sirius is beyond folly. But all three of us in the same martial bond? It's a death sentence, as things stand."
"I am aware of that, Miss Granger," Professor Dumbledore said and the faintest frown belied his confusion.
"You undoubtedly understand then, why Professor Snape is reluctant to agree to this idea, no matter that you need a spy? Why Sirius doesn't want to play into this chess-match you're playing with Voldemort?"
Dumbledore's eyes crinkled slightly.
"Do you have a point, witch?" Snape growled, still refusing to sit down.
"Until you sit down I'm not going to acknowledge your existence," she warned him.
Sirius's snort of amusement followed the depression of the cushions as he dropped into the seat beside her and slung his arm along the back of the couch. Hermione glanced at him for a moment.
"How do these facts land us at an impasse, Miss Granger?" Professor Dumbledore asked her.
Hermione's smirk, when it slipped across her face, was rather cruel.
"You've admitted you need us to comply," she said simply. "I'll be honest, I don't want to get married. I had no intention of doing so until I was well into my twenties or even my thirties. I am only eighteen. I intended to finish my schooling, perhaps consider an apprenticeship if I survived the war, and otherwise explore the magical world without the inconvenience of a spouse - or spouses, in this case. I certainly had no intention of having children this young.
"I imagine that both Sirius and Professor Snape had other plans in life than being hitched to me and legally required to knock me up. That being said, you've rightly pointed out that the three of us play vital roles in Harry's life and he is our only chance at stopping Voldemort. You need the three of us to agree to this ridiculous law, marry and otherwise comply with the Ministry's wishes. I imagine you're prefer we did so without a fuss, and that we would simply figure out how to co-exist whilst continuing to play the roles you require of us in this war, yes?"
Dumbledore was eyeing her coolly now, that twinkle in his eyes slowly vanishing.
"So you see, Professor, it seems to me that agreeing against our own wishes would be entirely for your benefit. Meaning that if you want this to work, you're going to have to do a few things to ensure it works smoothly."
"Oh?" Professor Dumbledore asked.
"You're extorting the headmaster, Miss Granger, really?" Snape sneered at her, still having not taken a seat. Hermione ignored him.
"What's your goal here, sweetheart?" Sirius asked from the cushion next to hers. Hermione turned to shoot him a mischievous look, responding because he'd done as he was asked, unlike Snape.
"My goal is your freedom," Hermione answered him before turning her eyes back to Professor Dumbledore. "According to the Marriage Law, the three of us would be required to co-habit a dwelling and a bed for the sake of the union. Obviously, given that I'm still a student and Snape is still a teacher, it would make sense for Sirius to relocate here from Headquarters. Only I don't imagine he'll live long driving the pair of us," she jerked a thumb between herself and Snape, "batty because he has no one else to interact with and nothing but mischief to find if he's left cooped up in here all by himself."
"You have another option in mind?" Snape asked. Again, Hermione ignored him, her eyes still on Dumbledore.
"I am not able to have Sirius cleared at the Ministry, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said, frowning. Hermione uncrossed her legs slowly and leaned forwards as far as she could in her chair, still maintaining eye contact with the Headmaster.
"Bullshit."
Sirius choked on his sip of tea. Dumbledore looked rather surprised and Snape twitched slightly. Hermione kept right on staring down the Headmaster.
"You are, without a doubt, the most well-connected and powerful person within the magical world right now, Professor. You've had the ability to clear Sirius's name since it came to light that Pettigrew was the one to betray the Potters. You have my testimony, Harry's, and Ron's. You have Sirius's and Remus's. You even have Snape's, no matter that he was unconscious for some of the explanation. I hardly think you would have trouble getting your hands on Pettigrew either, given that like Snape, he is a Death Eater. You can get Sirius's name cleared, you just don't want to."
"Miss Granger, I assure you..." Dumbledore began.
"Don't. Lie. To me." Hermione hissed at the elderly wizard, adopting her best impression of Snape as she glared at him. "You don't want him to be cleared because you have no use for him. He is Harry's role model and you want to protect him, knowing Voldemort will hunt him down if he can. You have no other use for him because you believe him little more than a loose cannon, too bent on the idea of joining James Potter in the afterlife to think things through before doing them, and too passionately against the Dark Lord's forces to be allowed freedom that might see him committing the very acts he was falsely imprisoned for. You don't want to go to the trouble of clearing him; you don't want to cash in on the favours people owe you for the sake of a man who might throw it all away in a reckless moment of anger if he thinks he can avenge his dead best friend. Why waste the leverage, right? Why bother when you can stick him in a secret location and let him rot, drowning in alcoholism and boredom? Why clear him when you've got no room for him on your chess board?"
Dumbledore looked thunderstruck at her words but Hermione wasn't through. She narrowed her eyes on the man.
"Well, guess what, sir?" Hermione challenged in a low voice. "His wagon was just hitched to mine. How long do you think Harry would actually last without me to bail him and Ron out of trouble when they land in it? Who do you think will talk him down and rein him in when he wants to go off, half-cocked, and run at the enemy just to be bloody done with things, one way or the other?"
"How will you prevent that if I clear him and Sirius runs at the enemy instead? Do you imagine yourself capable of supporting Harry through the loss of the only family he has left?" Dumbledore challenged and all traces of the kindly grandfather persona were gone.
Sirius's sharp intake of breath preluded his expression of furious outrage. Hermione had known for a while that Dumbledore could have done more to see the man's named cleared, but Sirius seemed to have been beaten down enough to believe the lie that it couldn't be done.
"I imagine that if it came down to it, I could get Harry through just about anything," Hermione replied. "The betrayal of a friend was tough, but I did it. Witnessing a murder and suffering the nightmares that followed it make him a raging ball of angst most days, but I endure it when he spits acid words in my face and jump down my throat thinking the whole world is out to get him. If you have concerns that clearing Sirius will end up causing Harry to lose him, you're mistaken."
"Oh, and just what do you propose we do with him when he's cleared, Miss Granger?" Dumbledore bit out. "Let him loose on the world, unprotected?"
"Oi! I'm not a fuckin' pet!" Sirius spoke up in annoyance over the way they spoke of him as though he weren't in the room.
"Aren't you, Black?" Snape drawled.
"Fuckin' eat me, Snivellous!"
Hermione ignored them both.
"Give him a job," Hermione suggested.
Dumbledore, Snape and Sirius all froze and turned to look at her slowly.
"You want me to teach?" Sirius asked.
"You think he could teach?" Snape sneered. "Oh yes. That makes perfect sense. Miss Granger, I knew you were a brown-nosing little teacher's pet, but this is going too far."
"I don't have a teaching position open,' Dumbledore said.
Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose against the barrage of voices as they all spoke at once.
"Headmaster, I imagine you'll have a few jobs opening up when people are forced to relocate as a result of the war. Your current choice for Defence Professor is a woman. Unless she's been matched to a pair of students or some other male teacher upon the staff, she will be needing to leave the position. She is also required to get pregnant and further the wizarding race. You'll have a Defence position open and I've got it on good authority that Sirius is a decent Defence teacher."
"I don't know how to teach kids, love," Sirius argued.
"Remus does," Hermione shrugged.
"Which one do you want me to employ?" Dumbledore asked.
"Defence!" Snape hissed, his expression pinched at the idea that Dumbledore was considering it at all.
"Both of them, sir," Hermione said. "Harry was matched to Remus and Tonks. You can hardly let Harry's husband run around unprotected. Split the classes between Remus and Sirius. They can cancel out the marital conflict, too. If Remus teaches the girls and Sirius teaches the boys, there will be no conflict of me or Harry being married to the teacher marking our homework."
"Oh, and what are you doing about being married to me, swot? I'm sure it must be a fantasy of yours to have your teacher's approval, Miss Granger, but I'm afraid your personal kinks will have to be relegated to the bedroom." Snape sneered.
"I'll study potions externally with you tutoring me," Hermione replied, narrowing her eyes on him dangerously. "And if you make one more comment about the idea of me having a Teacher kink, I'm going to personally see to it that you are in a sexless marriage, Severus."
Sirius snorted while Snape levelled her a glare.
"Miss Granger, there is hardly call for such..." Dumbledore was cut off when Snape stalked closer and glared down at her, looming over her on the couch. Hermione stared back at him defiantly.
"I've found a small problem in your plan, love," Sirius said, seeming entirely amused by the battle of wills between her and Snape.
"A problem?" Dumbledore asked.
"The job's cursed. It's a quick fix for now, but no one has held the position for more than one consecutive year in almost sixty years," Sirius reminded them. "It's why you won't let bloody Snivellus have the job."
"I'm in my seventh year," Hermione reminded him, tearing her eyes from Snape when he glared at Sirius for the nickname. "After this year the only one in this equation who needs to be at the school is Snape. And given the climate of things in the battle against the Death Eaters, I'm beginning to think there's a plan that doesn't involve Snape staying after this year. What's the point when Harry won't be here?
"You and Remus would both enjoy the same protection the rest of the students get, providing your own for the rest of us, too. It means you won't drive me batty when I have to live with you and it means that after the year is up and we don't have to be here, we can all toddle off to war and slay the demon. The alternative is that you don't get your name cleared and you just get to hang out in here all day talking to me and Snape and no one else since you won't be allowed out. There is honestly no way around the idea of you being cleared, actually. The rings are supposed to monitor compliance with the law in the union and the baby-making effort, so they'll be able to track you with it. Without you being cleared, they'll storm the school and arrest you, or they'll haul Snape and I in for questioning and then lock both of us up for harbouring a fugitive. If you don't want to teach, you could do something else, but you'll be in danger. The job would give you and Remus both a stable position for a while. Even when you're cleared, no one will be keen on hiring you for a while, Sirius."
"You mind runs a mile a minute, doesn't it, sweetheart?" Sirius asked, eyeing her strangely. Hermione blinked at him, surprised by the open admiration glittering in his eyes. "You think of everything and you're willing to extort Dumbledore to get what you want."
"What I want is to not have to get married," Hermione argued.
"We all want that. But faced with no choice other than being a muggle, you're using the situation to your advantage. Well, my advantage. You really want to hang your magic on Dumbledore's willingness to clear me?"
"I really don't want to murder you," Hermione said. "And trust me. If you're locked up in here with only me and him for company, one of us will murder you. Snape will likely try more frequently, but I don't much fancy splitting my soul just because you're climbing the walls."
"You seem to be operating under the delusion that I'll comply, Miss Granger. The fatal flaw in your plan."
Hermione glanced up at Snape where he was still looming over her trying to throw a wrench in the works. His lips were twisted in a terrible expression of a triumphant sneer, as though his words had thwarted her. Hermione pressed her lips together for a moment, letting her eyes trail over the man carefully. She already memorised his features. Now she simply sought out weakness. She needed something to exploit him with. Some way force his hand to ensure he cooperated. She wouldn't put it past him to turn his back on the wizarding world and let them all rot.
Sliding off the couch, Hermione got to her feet, finding herself very much inside Snape's personal space thanks to the way he loomed over her. Momentarily she entertained the notion of using her feminine wiles to appeal to the side of him that undoubtedly craved kindness, affection and empathy. She thought about bribing him with sex, but she didn't think that would work either. Tipping her head to one side, Hermione lifted one hand and let it hover in front of his chest. She found her eyes fixating on his many buttons and her fingers itched to toy with them.
He tensed as though expecting her to swat him. Hermione watched his eyes dart between both of hers before he shot a glare at Sirius. When he looked back at her, Hermione carefully pressed her hand against his chest. She could feel his heart beating in his chest, hammering out a furious beat.
"You don't have to be scared, Professor," she said quietly, meeting his gaze and watching the way his pupils blew wide. Hermione stood still, waiting with baited breath to see if she picked the wrong tactic and anticipating his rage.