- Jaimie's POV –

1757

I could see her face as clear as a sunny day. She was smiling down on me, her eyes looking straight into mine and one of her hands was trying to reach me. But she never did so, no matter how long she stood there. I tried to get up, but my legs weren't moving. I opened my mouth to call her name, but no sound came out.

I was so angry, why couldn't she try harder and move towards me? Wasn't she aware my legs didn't work?

I closed my eyes to refrain the anger and I suddenly felt it. The warmth of her hand on my face, running through it so gently… My heart raced when she downed it to my chest, drawing little circles.

-Claire… Mo luaidh, I missed you so much…

I opened my eyes slowly, my heart and body craving deeply for her. My vision was blurred, I had to blink a few times before seeing…

-A Dhia! Oh! Milady, I…

-You fell asleep, Alexander, but you must go now.

It felt like I've been hit with a rock on my head. It was all a dream, nothing else. It was never more than a dream, and she never even talks to me!

-Alexander, are you listening? – Lady Dunsany's high pitch woke me up. I realized she had just a sheet around her and I… I was naked. The last hours came to my mind as a painful reminder that I'd failed myself. The promise I secretly made to Claire that I would never touch another woman. I never said it out loud but was something I thought while living in that cave in Lallybroch, when Jenny tried her best to push a young maid to me.

-This won't happen again, milady. I hope it wasn't painful. – I said, trying to be polite while assuring her it was a one time thing.

-Of course, Mr. MacKenzie. Thank you for your services. Tomorrow we'll have our daily horse ride. Have a good night.

-Good night, Miss Dunsany.

During my walk towards the stable, I couldn't stop thinking about how pleasant it had been to feel a woman's touch, it had been such a long time I had almost forgot what it was like to feel another tongue playing with mine, to grab a tiny breast in my hands and suck it slowly, to be inside a woman again…

Feelings of pleasure and guilty haunted my thoughts and dreams that night.

The horse ride the next day began awkwardly. Geneva seemed to be too embarrassed to say anything, which was new, but I can't say I wasn't pleased. We stopped to give water to the horses, and she found the perfect opportunity to address me.

-I must thank you, Mr. MacKenzie, it meant a lot to me. I couldn't think of that man taking my pureness.

-No need to thank me, lass.

-May I ask you something, Mr. MacKenzie?

She didn't wait for me to answer, she just spilled the words.

-Was Claire the name of your wife?

I wasn't expecting that, I had to look away, I wasn't ready to listen her name being said out loud.

-I didn't mean to be rude, I am sorry.

-Yes. – I just answered, to put an end to that conversation.

-You called her last night, uhm… While sleeping.

I couldn't say if she was mad I called for another woman while in bed with her, or if she was just pitying me. Either way, I felt furious.

-We should go back now, the horses are ready.

I helped her sitting on the horse and began to ride towards the house. My prayers for her to remain silent weren't attending.

-Did she love you?

I nodded. Images of Claire kissing me were all over my head. I closed my eyes for a moment.

-And did you love her?

-More than anything in this world. – there she was, beautiful in that dress, waiting to be declared my wife. It felt like she was the sun brightening a sad cloudy day.

-Did she… died?

-She's gone. For a long time now.

-That's not much proper for a woman, to leave her husband. It was with anot-

-No. She didn't leave me for another man. – Rage again flowing through my veins, thinking about her with Frank. She didn't leave me for him, but she was with him, nevertheless.

-Oh. I'm sorry if I'm being too inconvenient.

-She was my heart and she was carrying my child, but it was too risky for him… or her… to stay. So she had to leave. It was not an easy decision, it was the only one.

-Mr. MacKenzie, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-

-I know, Lady Geneva. Here, let me help you dismounting. – She didn't seem to realize we had already arrived for a while now.

Two months have passed by so quickly, between my duties and the conversations with Geneva, which were now a routine, since she hadn't blackmailed me again and she was indeed more pleasant to be with.

That day, however, there was going to be no talk at all, since Lord John Grey was visiting the Dunsany. I was nearby when the carriage arrived. There was Lord William with Lady Louisa followed by Isobel and… her. My eyes stopped on her, my heart racing unexpectedly, and I started trembling. How haven't I noticed it before? Maybe it was the dress she was wearing today, it was tight, all her curves were more noticeable in it.

The day went by painfully slowly, and I didn't find a single moment alone with Geneva, which I was now anxiously waiting for. I couldn't think about anything else, I had to make it clear.

Was not until the next day, when I saw her collecting a bouquet of flowers, maybe for the dinner's table, that I faced her.

-Lady Dunsany. – I announced myself. I had to be careful, or I could lose a lot more than a job.

-Mr. MacKenzie. May I help you?

She didn't turn to look at me. Was she trying to avoid me?

-I believe we need to talk.

-We do it every day, can't you survive one day without it?

-I know. You should have told me, I had the right!

She turned to me so quickly, she almost fell. I grabbed her and she took my hand.

-No one can know. I would be ruined! And you would be hanged!

-Yes, but it is mine. Right?

-Of course, Alexander! I wasn't with anyone else! – she may have noticed my look, so she continued – I've been successful avoiding my husband. He never finished inside me.

-I see. I can't believe I'm going to be a father.

-You're not going to be a father, this is the child of Lord Ludovic Ransom.

I nodded, she was right. I could never reclaim that child as my own and live to say another word. And it made me miserable, realizing my third child would also be taken away from me.

I don't owe Outlander nor the characters.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do writing it. Please give me some feedback, so I can improve myself.