- Frank's POV –
1964
I was working late, tomorrow was going to be a very challenging day. The essay I've been working on for years will finally be presented to some of the most acclaimed American historians and a few interns from England and Scotland who were studying in Boston.
This work has already offered several fights with Claire, and I knew from the beginning it wouldn't be easy, but that was the time period that I was asked to study and eventually even write a book about it. It was going to be so important to my career, I couldn't take it all away because of her unsupported fears. There weren't many studies done in America about the what so called by us The Jacobites Era, and I would be one of the first historians here to dig it.
At first, I thought she could help me, after all she was there and could give me several first hand insights. She made it very clear from the beginning she was not going to say a single word about it. Well, it was our agreement, never to mention her journey to the 18th century, and certainly, never to say that man's name in my presence. I almost broke this the day I was told what my essay would be about, I got home so excited with the thought that I was going to have details no one else knew about, that I asked her to tell me everything about it.
I still remember the look in her eyes, a mix of confusion and disbelief, as if she was going directly to a trap. I tried to explain, but she just walked away and haven't talked to me for 3 days. I recall coming to our bedroom and she was crying, so desperately low, she didn't want me nor Brianna to hear. It broke my heart into a million pieces, I was the reason why she was like that, I forced her to remember it all over again. I knew she went through a lot, she saw dead man, and other died on her hands. I also knew I made her remember him. I hated myself.
I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I haven't noticed Claire getting in and laying on the couch. She was the one who made herself noticed.
-May I lay here for a while? I promise you won't notice me. I just could use a bit of music and relax.
-Sure, Claire. You never bother me, stay as you might. Do you want me to change the music…?
-No, this is fine.
Stand by me of Ben E King was playing and I couldn't help but wish that she would've stayed by my side since the first time we met. But life had other plans for us. It has been a little nightmare some days. I share the guilt, sure, I've made mistakes and bad choices, I've failed as a husband, Sandy Travers is the proof, but living years and years not being touched by the woman of my dreams, not being looked at… She was always so far away from me. Sometimes from Brianna as well.
"And darlin', darlin', stand by me
Oh, stand by me"
I couldn't help but look at Claire, I wish she was really here, kissing me gently assuring tomorrow will be perfect. Instead, I noticed she was tense, her shoulders were tightened, and she wasn't moving. She was just laying there, yes, but it seemed something was not entirely right. I wanted to say something, but no words came from my mouth. Instead I just turned to my presentation.
I was almost done when one of my favourite songs began to play: I Can't Stop Loving You, by Ray Charles. I closed my eyes to fully appreciate it, everything about it was pure and true.
I looked at Claire, I would never stop loving her, I knew it, no matter how I was with other women, how she pushed me away, how she didn't want me anymore.
She led a hand to her face, and I realized she was crying. In complete silence, but I could say it anyways.
"I can't stop wanting you
I said, "It's useless to say"
So I'll just live my life
In dreams of yesterday"
She was thinking about him. I was so sure, but how could she? All I could think about was her, but she… She was living "in dreams of yesterday"! She has been for 16 years.
She had no idea I was watching her silent sorrow. She sat on the couch with both hands on her face, I could see she was shaking.
"Ah they say, "that time
It heals a broken heart""
She sighed and denied with her head. "Time isn't healing you, is it?", I asked her in my mind. In that very moment I hated the song. I couldn't listen to it, a feeling of guilt running through my veins. "I should have told you, shouldn't I?" My hands began to shake, and this consuming doubt was making me go crazy. "You are a horrible person, Frank. And a very egocentric one as well." I wanted to shut my mind up, but there was an internal argument going on "You were saving her from a deep sorrow, what could have she done? She had Brianna! Oh, no! You're lying to yourself, Frank Randall, you knew, deep down, she would take her away and leaving you alone. Perhaps that's what you deserved!"
-I have something to tell you, Claire. – the words came out of my mouth before I could realize it. I saw her turning to me, I sounded despaired and serious. Her eyes were red and she was bitting her lip.
-W-What? – she seemed scared. Did I sounded more dramatic than I thought?
I wanted to run away, to erase that moment, to go back in time. "Fuck, not go back in time!". It was late for that, I had only one way to go, and it will end with Claire hating me forever.
-I found something, years ago. Something I've never told anyone, something I did my best to erase from my mind.
-I don't understand, Frank.
-It was after you returned. – I could see her discomfort at the mention of her journey. – I couldn't think about anything else. I wanted to understand. I wanted it to make sense to me in some way. How could my wife, with whom I have been so truly deeply happy, and who I believed had been happy with me as well, say she was in love with another man? I saw you for a long time, you never noticed of course, but I watched you sleeping, and you cried for him so many times. I watched you alone in the kitchen looking at the window and from time to time you whispered his name. And I also know that for a couple of years you spoke to him every night before sleep, about new things Brianna had learnt, or about how you wish you were with him.
-Frank, you… - her voice got lost and I knew I was already crying, but couldn't stop the so long hidden words being spilled out all at once.
-I know I shouldn't have watched you without your knowledge, but those were the only times I got to be near you, and I just couldn't stop, I was missing you so much.
-I am so sorry, Frank. I never wanted to hurt you, never. I want you to be sure of that, I told you the truth because I didn't want to make you live a lie. I gave you the choice of being with me and Brianna or leave, because I never wanted you to have your life ruined.
-I know, Claire, and I don't blame you. I couldn't get it at the time, so I had to do something… It turned out to be more complicated than what it was supposed to be.
-What have you done? – she was afraid of my answer, and I knew that with my following words, she would hate me forever.
-I have searched James Fraser. I know what happened to him at Culloden. I just wanted to make sure he had died, so when I'd told you, you would realize that there was nothing left for you in that century and we could go on, together.
I made a pause, but she hasn't said a word, tears were running through her cheeks, but she was in silence. It scared me, a lot.
-But I never told you anything, Claire. Because I was selfish, I wanted you to be with me! I wanted Brianna to be with me! Because I was so scared of losing you, and at the same time I was so sure I would. Because you would want to go. Because he survived Culloden, Claire.
I don't owe Outlander nor the characters.
I really enjoyed writing this chapter from Frank's point of view. I always understood him, he was a loving and caring husband and it was not his fault that all that had happened to him.
Please give me some feedback, what did you think of this?