Day 41

"…Aaahh, high school drama. Some things are just universal, huh? Let me guess, she then said something vague filled with a lot of underlying meanings, leaving you with a bunch of confusing emotions and questions."

"That is… scarily accurate. Seems like teenage girl behaviors are also universal…"

"We girls are pretty archetypal when you get down to it. Anyway, what's important is that did you confront her about it later on? I mean, obviously you didn't, but you should. Just saying."

"…"

"Letting the tension build up overtime is very bad long term – the more you push it off, the harder it will be to lay it bare to each other later on. 'Specially you, Eight, 'cause from what I can get of the whole 'nice girl' monologue you gave me earlier, you have major trust issues, which is only going to build up tension in time… It's no way to live, paranoid like that."

"… It's not that simple, and hey, it's a perfectly valid monologue!"

"No wonder you have no idea how to deal with this situation… look, I get how you are feeling – that the relationships that you have is really fragile and is everything to you, but you're just overthinking things. The solution to your dilemma is really simple."

"…Don't tell me it's to tal-"

"Talk about it. With each other."

"No seriously."

"Yes seriously! You youngsters always exaggerate every social interaction, especially tension between boys and girls, but it doesn't have to be that way, you know? It's irritating to see how teenagers tip-toe around topics like that and never say what they really want to say. Like what are you, twelve?"

"…"

"Hahh, look. I… did a lot of things and said a lot of things back in high school that, well, a hormonal me would, and often times the things I communicated through those actions and talking are very different from what I intended. Those girls reminded me a lot of those times, from what you said. And also, guess what's the major problem that's common in my teenage years, and yours?"

"…Communication?"

"Exactly. You guys – and most teenagers for that matter - are sending mixed signals all over the place, to the point where I don't think you guys even know what each other are trying to say. It's confusing and is a perfect breeding ground for comedy high school drama."

"…There are just some things that you just can't communicate, you know."

"Ugh, I hate it when teenagers say that. Alright, I'll humor you then. Why so, Eight?"

…

"…Now that I think of it, the only thing stopping me was my willingness to keep the status quo and... yeah. Huh. Not so different from Hayama after all… anyway, as much as I hate to feed your ego and say it, but you might be right, Delilah."

"Gosh darn, a compliment from you, Eight? You really know how to make a girl feel special!"

"…I take it back. But seriously, as logical sounding the argument was, I don't think I can do it. We're not close enough for stuff like that yet, I think. Not sure if it's worth the risk, also…"

"Well, 'waiting for the right time' is a procrastinator excuse, but it's also a valid one, sometimes. Besides, think of it as a… test of the strength of your relationship, of sorts. You said that you hated superficial relationships, right? Then this is it."

"…Maybe. Thanks."

"No problem. Always happy to help a teenager get past his self-worth and social issues… Damn, haven't ranted this long for quite some time now, whew!"

"You sound like you have experience talking about teen stuff, though. Where did that come from?"

"Well, you're not the first teen that's been here. See, a few years ago, there's this kid, Brian Goodwin, who got stuck with his dad, Ned, here, as a watcher, just like you, through his summer break…"

The three of us sat down on our respective place in the clubroom. The scene is practically the same as always; one would think that nothing had changed since the last time we were here, with Yuigahama animatedly chatting, and Yukinoshita and I listening along. I comfortably ease into the group dynamic of the room.

"…and the girl – Rumi Tsusomething – reminded us so much of you and Yukino combined! Like, she's brooding and weird and clever like both, cold and distant like Yukino, alone and hard-headed like you. I think you would've liked her if you were with us!" finished Yuigahama.

"I don't think it would've been wise to let Hikigerma close and infect sweet little Rumi with his ideology." Yukinoshita countered. "Can you imagine Rumi with that dead fisheye of his? We'd have a mini-Hikigaya running around, looking at boys and girls alike with that creepy dead fish gaze of his – or rather, her!"

Both girls simultaneously shivered.

Hey, I resemble that! I narrowed my eyes. "Oi, I'll have you know that I am a perfect role model for every loner out there! I mean, I think for myself instead of conforming to the standards of society, self-sacrifice for the greater good, and..." I pause.

Their expression was entirely unexpected. Yukinoshita steeled her face into a neutral expression, while Yuigahama grimaced, as if – is reminded by a bad memory.

Oh, right. I forgot about that tidbit.

When given a lot of free time, we tend to reflect upon our past memories, the 'what ifs' and possibilities of our actions, which can spawn a lot of guilt, self-hatred, and epiphanies. Case in point, me spending an entire summer with nothing to do in the middle of the mountain ranges, having tons of time alone for introspection.

In simpler terms, one tends to see the fuck up of one's own life much easier.

Especially with someone else to bounce said thoughts off of. Delilah was a great conversation partner; she's like the sarcastic part of Yukino blended with a metaphorical sponge.

In short, a perfect listener. Apparently she got that a lot, "comes with too much free time spent with a group of people who like to rant", she had once said, "People like you, for that matter".

Point is, I have done so much reflection, I might as well have achieved Enlightenment. Things previously hazy and unclear, now became… well not much clearer, but organized. Obvious in hindsight.

And if things are compartmentalized, I can draw connections between them much easier.

That doesn't mean I have the guts to actually act on said connections though…

"Uh, ha ha, sure Hikky… So, what about your summer? Was this Shoshone the place you went to for break?" Yui you're a life saver, whew. Eager to change the subject, I quickly replied.

"Wow, even someone of your stature knows English, and fluent, at that? Color me surprise." Seriously, Yuigahama is the last person anyone would think of to know a second language with such fluency.

"Hikki, you jerk! Of course I know, its part of the syllabus!" said Yuigahama indignantly.

"Sorry, just teasing you. Anyway, I did, in fact, go to the Shoshone national park in the US last summer. I went there to work as a fire watch."

There was a gasp. "Hikigaya-kun, you… had a job? Did I hear that right? You, Mr. "to work is to lose" worked an honest job and got compensation for it officially, in your summer break no less?!" Oi, woman, you don't have to look so surprised to insult me!

"Better than being a corporate slave for the rest of your life, which you will most likely become, Yukinoshita" I shot back. "Besides, the job doesn't even have that much work in it; there's so little work that most of the time you can do whatever you want, and stay at the tower all day. The work to benefit ratio are off the chart! Minimal input, maximum return!"

We chatted for a while, with me talking about my time as a firewatch, Delilah – "You spent 2 months with a female? I feel bad for that woman." – discuss various inconsequential things, shoot metaphorical projectiles back and worth with Yukinoshita, and Yuigahama chirping about even more inconsequential things.

Man, I never realize just how comfortable I have been when in this club, this… atmosphere.

It really means a lot to me, huh. I can see why I wouldn't want to disrupt the status quo. For this dynamic that we're having to just be… broken apart…

Can't say I've never said this, but it scares me.

A lot.

Add on to that the fact that this is probably the only time where I have a close relationship with someone outside my own family. It's sad, really, that it has gotten to this point.

What do I do? Will I become Hayama, the monster that which I hated, or would I grow a backbone and deal with it her way?

I would need to do a detailed cost-benefit analys-

"-ikky? Hey Hikky! Are you okay? What's with that consi- constipe- con-"

"It's constipated, Yuigahama-san."

"Yeah, constipated, that's the word! So what's with that constipated look on your face, Hikky?" Huh?

I looked at the clock. Oh right, its end of club time. Need to go home. Much as I hate to say it and do so, I can always deal with it later. Right now, I just want to go home and relax. Nothing wrong with running away from your problems for a while.

"It's nothing." I said. What's with the weird expressions? Ah crap, did I accidentally add in my tone some sort of unintentional subtexts? Better clear this up.

"Really, it's nothing. I was just thinking introspectively, nothing to worry about." I reassured, before starting to walk out the door. "It's time. We should go."

The walk was quiet. You know, human interaction is incredible tenuous and volatile, prone to change in atmosphere and dynamic at the slightest provocation. By being ambiguous as I was at the end, I have made the air between our group a bit heavier due to speculations on their part.

Gosh, human interactions are so exhausting! Why can't everyone be straight with what they think with each other, instead of jumping through all these artificial hoops that we have created for each other?

One more reason why I decided to remain a 'loner', quote on quote, despite seeing the advantages of forming relationships.

Question is, should I break the ice – heh – and resolve this somehow? Or should I just leave it as it is?

Old me would most likely ignore it; after all, it is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. But now, I know better. Things like this build on gradually, before reaching a certain point of saturation, and blowing up at our face at the worst possible moment. It would be best to nip this in the bud, before it has a chance to grow.

But am I willing to risk it though?

Shoot, we're already outside the gate, if I want to say anything, its now or nev- not never, but argh! So many incentives to just ignore this!

"Hey guys, I, uh…." I quickly blurted out before pausing in nervousness, their eyes on me, locking my limbs in their place. Come on, just nip it in the bud already!

"I'll see you guys tomorrow!" Goddamn it Hachiman, you coward! Ugh, at least I didn't show anything from the outside. Oh well, there's always next time…

"Goodbye, Hikigaya-kun. Have a nice day." Yukinoshita said cooly.

"See you tomorrow Hikky! It was nice to see you again!" Yuigahama saluted playfully, before skipping off with Yukinon.

I watched them leave my view, before sighing. Ugh, at least I don't have to deal with this for the rest of the night.

Haaaah, so tired…

I came home at around 8 am this morning, which means I don't even have the time to go home and unpack before being late for school (and let me tell you, there are no such thing as 'excuse' for not being present at school to our parents. The few times they were at home, they have very clearly established so…). Which is why I changed to the school uniform at the airport, and went straight to school with my guitar at hand and the bags of clothes, which I took great care not to let anyone I know see me with it.

People asking me about it would just be troublesome. I was pretty surprised neither of my clubmates asked me about it specifically; Yuigahama usually was more direct about things like that.

I walked my bike home slowly with the baggage strapped on it, spending brain power on useless thoughts that could've been better spent elsewhere. One of the downsides of valuing relationships more – it lends to you useless overthinking.

I sighed. This is what, the fourth time I've sighed in the last 12 hours? I act like a thirty years old wage slave! I need to go home quicker and see my imouto-chan – her cute presence would be sufficient to eliminate the baggage I'm carrying right now, figuratively and literally. Komachi, I'm coming home!