Chapter 4 Akira

Last night was horrible. And when you're used to everything being amazing, horrible is even worse than horrible. Like crushing. Like this can't be happening. My husband didn't just run away from home. Okay, so if I call him, he'll say he got "busy" and he "didn't realize the time." But we both know that he's avoiding me, and when he just happens to miss the last train, it will be a complete "accident," so he'll just spend the night at work, because he's done that before. Right. Before. When he was still working for his asshole ex who would sometimes "accidentally" step on him when he collapsed from exhaustion. So many things just "accidentally" happen at Marukawa Shoten.

I'm not so sure how he'll explain though why his phone's been turned off and he hasn't been answering his extension.

And this is just so... wrong. I shouldn't have let him go off to bed. I should have stopped him and made sure we took care of this before we went to sleep. Instead, I did the dishes. Great. The kitchen's clean and Ritsu's nowhere to be found. Of course, I could be wrong.

By 10pm I'm on the phone with Fumi. Not just because she's my sister or a brilliant physicist, but that she's also my best friend. And I tend to bother her the most about my relationship woes. No. I didn't just refer to my marriage with Ritsu as "relationship woes."

Luckily, she's home.

"Fumi-nee, help!"

"Oh Hi, Akira. I'm doing fine, I'm so glad you asked."

"Sorry. How's things?"

"Good. I just published a paper as the lead author with two other researchers."

"Wow. That's exciting! Tell me how to get a copy when it comes out. I won't understand it but i want to support you anyway."

"Sure. Now what's this call for help about."

"It's about Ritsu."

"What did you do?"

"Why do you automatically assume the problem's me?"

"You are so funny, Aki-chan. You always forget I've known you your entire life."

"Fine. It's partially me. The book's finally ready to come out."

"Yeah, right."

"No, it really is this time."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"Okay, fine. The thing is I wanted to include a chapter about Ritsu and I and how we met and how happy I am, and I put a picture of us. You know that one of us in profile at Oka-san's house in the backyard? So, I added it in and he had a fit."

"And you were surprised? You know how private he is."

"I guess I hoped he'd see how great it looked and…"

"And suddenly change his mind?"

"Well, yeah. Because it looks great."

"Are you sure you're not just wanting him to change who he is to fit your plans?"

"I don't want him to change! That's completely against how I do things."

"It is? Because it sounds like you're upset at him for responding exactly the way you'd expect him to."

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Okay, fine. You're right. Like usual. I'm such an idiot. And then we were both annoyed at each other and I let him go to sleep without trying to work things out and then I couldn't fall asleep for hours. Then I slept through his alarm and by the time I woke up he'd been gone for hours. Then he turned off his cell phone and he's not answering his office extension."

"That does sound frustrating. Well, you know where to find him at least."

Well that was a good conversation. Now I know how badly I messed up. The trouble is, it's 10:30 now and he's still not home. I need to see him and tell him - show him that he's wonderful the way he is. When I married him, I knew he was closeted, private and introverted. It's unfair of me to suddenly expect him to be different.

I'll call him.

Voicemail. Again. Forget this. I'll just go to Marukawa and pick him up.

I'm almost there when I try to call again. And his phone is finally turned on. He sounds breathless.

"Akira. Hi. Sorry. I had my phone turned off for a meeting. I'm having a late night at work. I guess you realized. I ate dinner, so don't worry."

"I was. Where did you get dinner? That convenience store a couple of blocks away?"

"No, I didn't go to the convenient store. I went to a real restaurant and got a horse mackerel set."

"That sounds good. I had omurice and a salad. You're not avoiding me, are you?" Shit. Why did I say that? I'm waiting for him to answer defensively, but what's even worse is how guilty he sounds. Or maybe that's a good thing...

"I'm not avoiding you. I was just - I got really busy and I didn't realize how late it was."

"Ah. So, your phone being off wasn't on purpose?"

I'm in the building now. Good thing the night security guy is so nice.

"Yes. And no. I needed to concentrate on a phone call with Maeda-sensei and then I forgot to turn it back on. Everything was coming together, and I didn't want to lose momentum."

"Are you sure that's why you forgot?"

"Okay. You want the truth? The truth is I was avoiding you. I'm scared. You know how much I hate being pressured. But it's not even that. I'm terrified by how people would treat me if they knew about us. And I know that's cowardly, but I can't help it."

I see him as he's in the middle of talking. The place is empty and he's pacing back and forth.

"Akira. You're here."

"Yeah. My husband didn't come home, and I missed him."

"How did you get in?"

"You didn't know? The night security guy and I are good friends now."

"Yeah. Like you and half of Tokyo."

"Maybe not half of Tokyo. Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have pressured you. I'll take everything out. The picture - the chapter about us. I need to respect you and who you are."

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have turned off my phone. It's just… you looked so disappointed and I couldn't stand it." He's hugging me, which is oh so good. And his forehead has been so neglected. It needs a kiss. There. All fixed.

"I was being a bully. Next time just tell me that. 'Akira, stop being a bully.'"

"Okay. But I've been thinking. Akira, I want you to keep the chapter about us. Just take out my last name."

"You realize that's my name too..."

"You know what I mean. In the book you're still Suzuki."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Because it's important to your life and to our life together."

"Thank you." His office chair is surprisingly comfortable for two. What we need now is some good old-fashioned make up sex.

"You know we've never done it here."

"What?" He has the most amusing reactions sometimes. Too cute.

"Oh, come on. Office sex. We've got to do it here at least once."

"Uh, how about no?" Why am I not surprised by his response?

"You're such a tease. You see what a state I'm in now? It's your fault, so take responsibility."

"It's more like I'm feeling the state you're in. Mmmm… nice. And… we're going home first so restrain yourself." I'm nuzzling his neck and I might have let my fingers roam a bit in a sensitive aea.

"Mmmm. You like it when I'm unrestrained though."

"Yes, Hentai-san. Let's go now." I love it when he means business.

"Are you sure we can't have a quickie in the car?" Because I know the answer, but I'll ask anyway.

"I don't think so!" Aw. My Ritsu baby is so cute and so feisty and I love him forever.