Chapter 5: Memory Lane

"I really don't think that it's a good idea," Phillip says as he and Barnum sit in the ringmaster's home office, discussing the deal that had been sent to him from overseas.

"Why not? It seems like an excellent way to make more money and gain international recognition. Paying the mortgage on this piece of land isn't cheap you know," Barnum says.

"I do know that, but what happened the last time we went on tour. The scandal that broke…"

"Correction, the last time I went on tour. Everything that happened then was my fault and mine alone. And unfortunately, everyone suffered because of it," Barnum grimaces in guilt from having let his ambitions and desire for fame blind him to the well-being of his wife and daughters, as well as the rest of his circus family. "But even then, there's no such thing as bad publicity as I always say."

"You've never said that," Phillip points out. "And I've never heard that before, ever."

"That's because I just invented it," the ringmaster says with a smirk and glint of smugness in his eye. "And it is the truth."

The younger of the two men can't help but smile too. Just as his innovative friend had invented the term "show business" to get the young playwright to join his circus, he was using that charm and confidence again to try and persuade his partner to consider taking their spectacle on the road.

"I respectfully disagree," the younger ringmaster says, coming back to reality. "We don't need to bring back the bad press we used to have. It ended up nearly costing us everything."

Barnum's smile vanishes as the terrible memories of watching his circus burn to the ground, losing his family's trust and home, and nearly losing Phillip in the blaze makes him shudder. His partner had a point. They really did have to be careful to protect their family and their business. He couldn't just continue walking around with the stars in his eyes, he had to be smart and careful and think about what was best for everyone.

"You're right, I'm sorry," he says.

"It's fine that you want to do so much and get us recognition. It keeps us moving forward, but arranging a tour is going to cost a lot of our profits if we consider the travel expenses, the promotions and advertisements, accommodations, shipping of our sets and supplies, setting up and dismantling…"

"I get it," Barnum says firmly, not wanting to hear any more about what this tour would do to their finances. "It would be a lot of money. Plus, I know you and Anne have a wedding to pay for, so I can understand why you're so hesitant."

Phillip's eyes go wide, and he swallows hard. P.T. notices the shift in the boy's demeanour. "What?"

"N-Nothing… it's just… Anne and I haven't really thought about having an actual wedding. If I'm being honest, I just imagined us going to the courthouse to do it."

"What?!" the ringmaster says, angry passion entering his voice. "No way in hell is that happening! Even if we need to have the ceremony in the centre ring here, you two deserve to have the best wedding possible. I'll pay for it myself if I have to, but you're both going to have a proper celebration, and I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Okay, okay," Phillip says, a little shocked that Barnum was so fiery about the two of them having a wedding.

"But if we do go on tour, think of the money we could make and then when we came back, you two could have the best wedding in New York City history! It would be the front page of all the papers and all of our family would be there!"

"I…I don't think we need to go that far," the young man says, trying to bring the impassioned man back down to earth again. He's also doing his best to hide one of the real reasons why it was better for him and fiancée to just elope and be done with it. Barnum didn't need to know, neither did anyone else. "Remember that Anne and I are not extravagant people. We don't need all that glitz and glamour or have any desire to be in the society columns."

"You're right again," the showman nods. "Sorry I got carried away there."

"It's okay."

"But you still deserve something great and I don't want you arguing with me about that part."

"Don't worry, I won't."

Barnum looks at the clock on the wall and gets up from his chair in a panic. "Oh shoot, I have to get home. I promised Charity that I'd pick up the girls from ballet practice and pick up a few things from the market. Neither of these conversations are finished yet." The man rushes around gathering his belongings before heading to the office door. "I'll see you tomorrow. We'll find a way to finance that trip, it will come to me don't you worry."

He nods to his partner before exiting and heading for his car.

Once he's alone, Phillip sighs. "I do worry. I worry a lot."

…

A few days later in the late afternoon, Phillips sits in his office going over some of the bills that had come through for the land and few other things. He still doesn't see how they can afford to go to Europe for a tour. He hadn't said it to Barnum then, but attendance at their last few shows was down. The fewer people they entertained, the harder it would be to pay bills as well as the performers. He knew that Anne, W.D., Lettie and the rest of the troupe had lives of their own, homes to maintain and families to feed. The added fact that the showman wants him and Anne to have a big wedding is another problem to add to their list. This was the problem with having such an ambitious business partner, while he was certainly innovative and willing to take risks, he forgot that those risks were costly and were not always the most realistic. It worried him deeply, the circus was like any other business in New York and it had the same problems.

As he's knee-deep in paperwork, he doesn't notice when two familiar faces enter the office and approach where he's working. One of them is carrying a rather large package with them.

"Never thought I'd see the day that Little Phillip Carlyle would be doing paperwork. You've certainly come a long way from putting crayfish in my bed and writing on the back of my dad's files."

"Emma, hey," Phillip says, his eyes lighting up. He can't help but smile as Emma and Sybil stand in the doorway. He gets up from his desk and the two cousins embrace tightly.

It felt so amazing to Emma to see her cousin again, the boy she'd always seen as the brother she'd never had. It only hit her yesterday that she still had those connections to her old life back in Canada and that there was someone else who remembered her parents as fondly as she did.

"This is such a surprise. What are you doing here?"

"Well, Sybil and I were in the neighbourhood and I thought I'd stop by to return something," she says. She holds up the gold button that her little sister had inadvertently torn from his costume the night they reconnected. "I know you can't perform without it," she teases.

"Wow, I didn't even realize it was missing," Phillip says. He goes to the coat closet and removes his ringmaster uniform. Sure enough, towards the back of one of his lapels was, one of the buttons was missing.

"Sybil has a very strong grasp," Emma nods in agreement. "I can sew it back on for you now."

"You don't need to do that," he says, shaking his head. "There are people on our team who can do that."

"Why are you cutting out visit so short?" she teases again, making a pouting face. "I figured Sybil could spend some time with her cousin."

"I just don't want you to feel like you have to," he says. "Afterall you just got here."

"Did you forget that my mother was a seamstress? I knew how to sew before I started talking."

Phillip grins. "I always forgot that Aunt Bernadette was a whiz at that. It didn't matter if I ripped my shirt climbing trees or wore out the knees of my pants while playing baseball, she managed to make them look brand new. My parents could never tell that I'd been acting like a 'normal' kid."

Emma forces herself to smile, even though the memories of her mother still caused her to tear up a lot. She inhales deeply and then hands Sybil over to Phillip. She then removes a needle and thread from the hatbox she had brought.

She then sits in his desk chair and turns the costume over.

"How was your week?" she asks.

"Busy," he answers. "Running a business is never anything but."

"You're telling me?" she says sarcastically.

"I still can't believe that you own Uncle Andrew's law practice. That must be so stressful for you."

"It is, but fortunately Peter and I are the perfect team and we work so well together."

"That's so great," Phillip says, bouncing Sybil on his hip.

The toddler reaches out and grabs at her cousin's shirt again, but this time she does not rip off any buttons.

"Ph…Ph…" the little one utters.

"I do wish my father had the chance to retire and then hand the practice over to me, but… life has a way of working against you…"

Phillip can see the sadness in his cousin's eyes. He sits down with Sybil on his knee and reaches over. He grasps her hand and squeezes it tightly.

"I can't imagine how much that hurt you…"

"Or you," she says. "They were your parents too."

The male cousin opens his mouth to correct her, but he knew instantly that Emma had chosen her words very carefully. What she had spoken was the truth; the vain and self-centred frauds that he called parents were anything but what a mother and father should be. He sees the way Barnum and Charity dote on their daughters, loving them, supporting them, giving them the attention, they deserved… he never got that from either of his parents. They expected him to be the "perfect" son; to always follow the rules, always adhere to the standards of their society, and always listen to what they told him to do. They never told him that they loved him, nor did they ever say they were proud of him until the night that his first play premiered. He literally had to earn their respect and anything he'd done before that was worthless to them. It didn't help that their stuffy views had deeply offended Anne and forced her to end their courtship for a time. It was the reason he hadn't spoken to them in almost three years. He had become a success without them, and he was much happier because of it…

But he felt he could have been much happier in his childhood if he had just stayed with Emma's family. Uncle Andrew and Aunt Bernadette gave him the attention and support he deserved back then. He also felt that their influence on his life had made him a far better person than who he might have been. If he had not been given the chance to be a kid and know what real familial love felt like, he might have turned out worse than his parents. He wished beyond all measure that he and Duncan had just stayed at the little house by the sea.

The thought of his brother made Phillip's stomach twist in deep guilt. He'd basically left his little brother to become the family puppet and be shaped into the person the man knew his brother was not. It broke his heart that in his quest for freedom from his parents, he'd left the person he loved most behind. He'd do anything to go back and bring Duncan along with him, to be part of a family that was worth being proud of.

While deep in his thoughts, Phillip notices the hatbox with a purple ribbon sitting on his desk, something that Emma had brought with her.

Upon closer inspection, he gasps when he sees the writing on the lid.

"I brought a few things that I thought you would like to see again," she says, finishing her sewing of his costume. She cuts the thread and then puts the spool and needle down.

She removes the lid and Phillip does his best not to cry.

All their childhood memories were preserved in this box. Emma had managed to find a few more keepsakes and another two photographs of them at the old house in the attic and added them to the box.

"It's your old sailor's hat," she smiles. She then playfully puts it on his head, even though it was much too small for him. "Welcome aboard matey."

"Always was the second mate," he chuckles.

"Because I was always the first," she teases.

The older of the cousins then puts the hat on Sybil's head, which is a perfect fit. While it was cute, Sybil decides to take it off and suck on it.

"Look at some of these stories," he says, removing the yellowed sheets of paper. "The Worst Storm Ever…"

"Or Lucky's Left Shoe," she smiles.

"Is that my old teddy bear?"

"And the broken sugar bowl," she adds.

The three cousins spend what feels like hours sorting through memories of the past and people they loved so dearly. Emma did tear up a few times as they chatted about some of their adventures and the moments that made her wish that she could turn back the clock. To be able to jump back in time and keep her parents in her arms as long as possible. To treasure them even more than before considering what would happen. Also, have Duncan and Phillip stay with them and grow as a real family.

While sorting through the keepsakes, Phillip thinks about the moments that were really meaningful. While his childhood was far from perfect, there were still parts of it that he loved and would never want to leave behind in the pursuit of freedom. He looks down at the little cousin in his lap and the one across from him. He mulls over the importance of family and the connections that are worth keeping around.

He gazes for a long time at the picture of him, Emma, and Duncan, new thoughts and ambitions entering his mind.