Shinji's Redemption
Chapter 3
"This again?" Shinji said in his mind. He woke up with a skull-splitting headache, It wasn't nearly as bad as the one he had after the third angel, but it was enough to compare it to that. This time he was in his bed. It was early morning. the sun shone through the curtains, hitting him in the face with sunlight. He blinked and reluctantly got up. It was way too early for him to wake Misato and cook breakfast, so he decided that he was going for a walk. He took a shower and got ready. He left a note on his desk for Misato, just so Misato wouldn't worry about him when she came to wake him up. He walked out of the apartment and into the warm sun.
It was early morning and the sky was a brilliant orange. The only noise in Tokyo-3 early in the morning was the sound of traffic and commuters. Shinji liked the mornings, he always loved how the sun looked when it was rising over the horizon. To Shinji, It was like a symbol of hope, or a motivation to keep going, Something Shinji desperately needed. Shinji looked at the trees. It was a real shame that japan was locked into a never-ending summer because the cherry blossoms were the most beautiful in the spring. He found a park bench to sit on. The park is one of Shinji's favorite places, he loved the sound of trees rustling in the summer breeze. Shinji noticed some sparrows picking at some insects on the ground. After a while, he started to think about the Evas.
"That voice, was it my imagination?" Shinji asked himself. In the heat of the moment, Shinji just went with it. But looking back on it, he thought it would be weird for him to just imagine something like that. He couldn't make any sense of it, so he decided to forget about it for now. He looked at the sky, it was getting very cloudy. "I should head back, it's gonna rain soon." Shinji thought to himself.
Misato had become too reliant on Shinji to wake her up with a hearty breakfast. She groggy stood up out of bed. Misato was a little worried about Shinji. She did have to drag him to his bed after he wouldn't wake up from the car ride back to the apartment. She went over to Shinji's room to see if he was awake. She opened his door to find that he wasn't there at all. She started to panic until she noticed the note on his desk. It read, "Went for a walk. Be back soon." Misato put down the note.
"Maybe I was too hard on him," Misato said to herself. Misato walked into the kitchen to make herself some breakfast. Misato didn't really feel like cooking anything, so she stuck with the good old microwave. She was just about to start eating until she heard the apartment door open. Shinji walked into the kitchen to see Misato.
"Hey." was all Shinji said.
"How was your walk?" Misato asked.
"Uneventful, " Shinji said. His face held a troubled frown. Misato noticed that since he fought the fourth angel, he hadn't been acting the same as when she originally met him. Shinji started to cook some breakfast. He didn't have much time, so he went with some toast. As they were eating, Misato asked Shinji a question.
"Shinji, do you hate piloting Unit 01?" She asked with a stern demeanor. "Because if you do, don't do it because you feel obligated to," Misato said. Shinji looked down at his plate and spoke up.
"I hate piloting Unit 01, Misato," he admitted. Shinji started to squeeze his glass of water. "But it's the only thing I have left, and I will never forgive myself if I don't do this," Shinji said. Shinji was surprised by how honest he was being. Considering what he's been through, honesty was the least terrifying thing he had to deal with. Shinji didn't notice how hard he was clenching his glass of water.
"Shinji!" Misato exclaimed. Shinji was surprised by her sudden outburst. He then noticed that his hand felt very warm. He looked down at it to find that he crushed his glass, his blood oozed onto the table. Even stranger, Shinji felt no pain, he stared at it for a second before Misato rushed him over to the sink to clean his wound.
"Stay here." Misato urged. She went over to the linen closet to get some bandage wrap. She came back and wrapped Shinji hand. After she was done Misato looked at Shinji with an angry expression.
"Shinji, what has gotten into you? Since last morning you've looked completely miserable!" Misato asked, worried. Shinji didn't respond. She was correct. Ever since he had that dream, he couldn't stop thinking about how he failed to even think about Toji's sister. No, it was more than just that. Shinji felt that if he couldn't even save a little girl, how could he possibly save the world? Shinji's face held no emotion, it was as if all life from him had been sucked away from him. "Shinji, I know you feel bad about that little girl, but that's in the past now. Your only gonna hurt yourself if you constantly kick yourself over it. Sometimes the only thing you can do is to forgive yourself and move on." Misato said.
"But I can't!," Shinji responded. Shinji fell onto his knees. "I try and try, but I just end up failing anyway!" He started to cry now. He pounded his fist onto the floor. "It's not fair!" Shinji cried. Misato watched the boy in front of her just completely fall apart. Misato did the last thing she knew to do. She raised Shinji's chin, then hugged him. Shinji was surprised at first but eventually returned the hug. They stayed like that until Shinji stopped crying. Misato broke the hug.
"Shinji, forgive yourself. I know it may seem difficult, but you owe it to yourself to at least try. " Misato said. Shinji rubbed away the last of his tears.
"I'll try," Shinji said.
"Good, you stay home if you want," Misato said.
"Thank you," Shinji said. Misato got up and got ready for work. Shinji went back to his room and fell asleep. Misato was about to leave until she remembered to tell Shinji that she was gonna be out extra late today. She walked to his room, only for her to see that he was fast asleep.
"Oh my god…" Misato looked at the battle reports. She couldn't believe what she was reading. Ritsuko spoke up.
"He went from a 60.6% synch rate to a 98.5% synch rate in less than five minutes of combat," Ritsuko said.
"How the hell…" Misato was still baffled by what she was reading.
"Ever since Shinji got here he's gone from 70.1% to 60.6 %, to 98.5%, and now to 68.4% in a matter of days," Ritsuko explained.
"How is that even possible?" Misato said still in disbelief that Shinji was able to do so much in so little time.
"By all means, the kid's brain should have melted with how inconsistent these numbers are," Ritsuko told Misato.
"That explains why he sleeps so much," Misato said.
"There's more to Shinji than meets the eye," Ritsuko spoke.
"What do you mean?" Misato asked. Ritsuko looked like she was wanting to say something, but something was holding her back.
"When he first got here he was willing to pilot Unit 01 with no issues, other than passing out, he fought off the third angel no problem, and when he passed out…" Ritsuko's eyes widened.
"What?" Misato asked, a little concerned. Ritsuko just looked at the ground for a few seconds, then chuckled at herself.
"It's nothing, I'm just jumping to conclusions," Ritsuko said. Misato looked a little suspicious, Ritsuko wasn't the type to say something like that, only for her to disregard it. Misato was about to say something but decided to just let it go.
Shinji sat in the apartment for days. All he thought about was Misato's words to him. Shinji never forgave himself for the third impact, the only reason he came back was to try to fix everything, but he already messed up something as simple as saving a little girl, much less the entire world. How could he just forgive himself about all that? His thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell ringing. Shinji wondered who it could have been. Misato had a key, so she wouldn't need to ring the doorbell. He walked over to the door. Shinji opened it to find Toji. Shinji looked down in shame.
"Shinji, is it?" Toji asked. Shinji just nodded his head. There was a long period of silence. "Look man, I'm sorry that I beat up like I did, that was really uncool of me," Toji said. Shinji looked up in surprise, then looked back down.
"It's fine, I deserved it," Shinji told Toji, but he spoke up.
"No, it isn't!" Toji rebutted. What I did wasn't right. I was angry and confused. I was just looking for somebody to blame. You didn't deserve to get beat up over it." Toji confessed.
"I'm sorry," Shinji said. Toji perked up.
"I blamed you for something that was completely out of your control. If anything I should be thanking you. After seeing that...thing, I don't know how you can get in those things and fight." Toji clarified. There was an awkward silence. Shinji continued to look at the ground. "Shinji, I don't want there to be bad blood against us." Toji outstretched his hand. Shinji looked at it for a second, then shook it. Toji's relaxed his face and sighed. "So anyway, you're new to Tokyo-3 right? Mind if I show you around?" Toji asked. Shinji agreed. He went back in to got ready then left.
Kensuke was honestly surprised to see both Toji and Shinji at his door. Toji told him how he and Shinji buried the ax. Toji asked if Kensuke wanted to go walking around Tokyo-3 with him and Shinji. Kensuke agreed to go. Kensuke's house was quite far away from Tokyo-3, so they rode the train there. The main train route was basically a giant circle around Tokyo-3, so you always had a clear view of the city. For a post-impact city, Tokyo-3 was a big one. It housed multiple parks, had an amusement park, hell it even had its own airport. Street lights and Neon signs illuminated the city during the night.
The three boys walked around Tokyo-3. Toji and Kensuke showed him all the popular hangout spots. After they were done with all that they went to a burger shop. Toji and Kensuke asked him questions like what kind of video games he liked, and what his favorite movies were. While he enjoyed a few, Shinji never really got into things like that. In his spare time, he would just listen to his SDAT. When he wasn't doing that, he was playing his cello. He's been playing the instrument ever since his mother died. He never stopped playing, even when he didn't receive lessons anymore.
"So, Shinji...why were you chosen to pilot Unit 01?" Kensuke asked. Shinji thought about the question for a second. Shinji knew why he became a pilot, to protect everyone. But he didn't know why he was specifically chosen. It certainly wasn't for his piloting abilities, that's for sure, although his synch rate was strangely high even before the third impact. When Shinji asked his father why he sent for him his father originally said: "I need you now." Shinji didn't know what he meant by that. Shinji looked up at Kensuke to try to answer his question to the best of his abilities.
"They asked me, and I agreed to pilot it," Shinji said. Kensuke looked disappointed.
"There was no test or anything?" Kensuke asked desperately. Shinji knew Kensuke wanted to pilot the Evas. He really wanted to tell him it was as awesome as he thought it was, but piloting those things was the most painful thing Shinji ever had to do.
"No, I was ordered by the commander himself. Even if I knew why I probably wouldn't be able to say why." Shinji said. Kensuke looked down in disappointment. Toji perked up.
"Why did you agree to pilot it? Toji asked in a serious tone. Shinji decided to be completely honest with Toji.
"I had nothing else." Shinji calmly said. Toji looked down for a second.
"Sorry, that was a little blunt of me." Toji apologized. Shinji just frowned.
After they were done eating The boys went back to Shinji's apartment. As they walked back, Toji and Kensuke argued over who was best at a video game. Shinji just ignored them. Eventually, they came back up to the apartment door. They said their goodbyes, and then Shinji entered the apartment. He went to go take a shower when he was reminded of his bandage on his hand. The blood on it had long dried up and left a reddish-brown stain on it. He undid the bandage to reveal a scar where his hand was cut by the glass. He looked at it for a while. It went across his entire hand and went towards his palm.
"Forgive yourself." Shinji thought. He then took a shower and went to bed.
Shinji couldn't sleep, he woke up at three in the morning, so he decided it was best to just get up. He took a shower and cooked breakfast. He looked out towards the terrace. There was a slight bit of orange peaking the horizon. Shinji felt he needed to get out of the apartment, so he decided to go out for a walk. Today was Saturday, so he didn't have any plans, so there was no reason to not go. He got ready and left the apartment. Shinji walked all around the city, which was probably not safe, but he thought he could handle himself. Shinji walked all the way to the outskirts of Tokyo-3. Where the building thinned out and foliage started to become more common. He stopped at the top of a hill, to watch the sunrise. There were all sorts of flowers and plants. He sat down for about half an hour until somebody snuck up behind him.
"Peaceful, isn't it?" the stranger said. Shinji jumped from his seated position and nearly rolled down the hill. He picked himself up to see an old man easily in his seventies.
"Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya!" the old man chuckled. "What's yer name?" he asked.
"Shinji," Shinji said while still recovering from the shock.
"Shinji, that's an interesting name." the old man said. "My name is Kenzo," he replied with a smile. Shinji looked at the old man. He was bald with a long, skinny, white beard. His most distinguishable feature was his bright blue eyes. They held certain wisdom in them, and his smile was warm like the sun. He held a wicker basket in his left hand.
"Care for some breakfast?" Kenzo asked. He held up the wicker basket. Shinji wasn't all that hungry, but he didn't want to seem rude, so he accepted. They ate, talked about nature and how everything was connected. Shinji couldn't help but feel comfortable around the old man. There was something about him, like you could tell him anything.
"So, what's a youngster doing out here at a time like this?" Kenzo asked.
"I was just on a walk when I decided to watch the sunset," Shinji responded.
"I don't get many visitors out here, I reckon you're from the city?" Kenzo asked. Shinji nodded his head. "That's quite a distance. Why walk all the way out here?" Kenzo asked. Shinji looked at over the hill at Tokyo-3, from here you could only see the tallest buildings that made up the city. Shinji didn't realize how far he actually walked. Shinji just looked at the sunset.
"Somethin' the matter?" Kenzo asked. Shinji didn't respond immediately, he just looked down at his cut hand.
"Why do you come out here every day?" Shinji asked. Kenzo chuckled.
"When you're as old as me you can't really do much more than just sit around," Kenzo said. Shinji looked down at the ground.
"Can I ask a personal question?" Shinji asked. Kenzo just smiled
"Go right ahead," he responded.
"What do you do when you can't forgive yourself?" Shinji asked. Kenzo looked at Shinji and then smiled.
"In this world, there is no such thing as can't, Shinji," Kenzo spoke.
"Then what do I do." Shinji sighed.
"Do what you can, Shinji. It may not be enough, but it's a lot better than doing nothing." Kenzo spoke. "Forgiving yourself is like a bird learning to fly, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith," Kenzo spoke. Shinji looked at the old man, contemplating what he just said. Kenzo just chuckled.
"That's it?" Shinji asked. Kenzo burst out laughing.
"It doesn't seem like much at first, but it's true," Kenzo spoke. Shinji looked at the sun, below it there was a slight hint of the blue sky. Shinji looked at the old man.
"Kenzo, thank you," Shinji said. the old man smiled.
"Just passing on what I learned," Kenzo chuckled. Shinji helped Kenzo clean up, thanked him for the breakfast.
"If you ever want to talk again, I'm here every day," Kenzo said. Shinji waved goodbye and headed back.
Shinji walked into the apartment. Misato had gone to work by now, so it was just him again. He walked into his room and got into some more comfortable clothes. Shinji looked around his room. He never noticed how barren it was. The only furniture he had was his bed and desk. Everything else was either in the closet or in a box somewhere. Shinji didn't really feel like doing anything about it right now so he just pulled out his SDAT and watched some TV. Eventually, it was time to go to bed, He had to go to the battle site of the fourth angel tomorrow, so Shinji went to bed early. He got into bed and looked at the ceiling.
"I should find something to do," Shinji said. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.