Cartman POV

I am in Kyle's bedroom. It's sort of… weird. Just us in his bedroom. Especially since it's usually all four of us. When Kenny's dead, though, it's just all three of us. Sometimes I wonder why I'm the only one who knows that Kenny dies all the time. They're just dumbasses. And Stan's the one who called me dumb and stupid and that I'm so stupid it's unbelievable! Well, fuck him!

At least I didn't join the Goth's because my girlfriend broke up with me. Why did we even let Stan come back to us? He betrayed us! That asshole. Anyway. I'm supposed to be thinking about Kyle right now. I mean, I don't want to be thinking about Kyle, but he's here so it's sort of hard not to.

That's the only thing that's hard for me to do. Not think about Kyle. Otherwise I am the smartest kid at school so nothing is hard for me—ever, really. Because I am just that awesome and cool. I really don't understand why Kyle is so mean to me all the time.

He is on his desktop laptop in his room while I am sprawled out on his bed binging on bags of chips. He looks like he is working on something.

So I ask, "Why do you look so stressed, Kyle? Relax. Have a dorito."

Yes. Right now I am sprawled out on Kyle's bed, my phone pulled out as I am looking at memes. Most of them are actually pretty funny, but we all know that the people that usually make them are lonely old men. I have made some before, but I am not a lonely old man. I'm just successful and cool without having to wear a business suit to be successful and cool.

How do I have a phone? Wasn't my stuff broken after they thought I was Skank Hunt? Well, after my mom died, I took her phone. Because she never made a password or anything since she gets too lush and would forget it. I took it out of memory, okay, but then I decided just to use it since my stuff got broken and she wouldn't take me to get new stuff since she said I am spoiled before she died. That was a while ago, but I always remember what my mom says to me because she is usually saying that kids do not need that but she didn't need to be hoeing around, either! Yet she did it anyway.

Since I have my stuff, I broke up with Heidi. I realized we had nothing in common besides that we both had no connection and that was why we would hang around each other and stuff since everyone was looking at memes like I am doing right now. So, yeah. I broke up with my girlfriend. I did like making Wendy jealous that I had kissed her in front of her and called her my boo, but Heidi isn't my boo anymore.

She's just not. And my mom's dead, too. But I've still got Mr. Kitty…

And the dudes. And Kyle, I guess. Even though I hate him. And I also have my phone back. Yes, I know it was my mom's, but if she had made a will then I'm sure she would've given me her phone since she didn't have that many friends anyways and most of her friends were the chicks or dudes she would meet at the bar.

I think she would've liked Cupid Me. I am not sure where he has gone, but I think he was mad at the fact that I didn't want to date him—mostly because I'm not gay—and so he flew away. A damn shame, really. We could've still been friends.

I did like him. Really. He was cool. Even though he was a homosexual, but homoseoxuals are cool. I'm just not a fag. And I didn't break up with Heidi because I realized it. I broke up with Heidi because I said I found nothing in common with her. And I was always staring out into space blankly when she was talking to me.

I'm not sure if I was even listening.

But I'm listening to Kyle. Then I listen to him after I had disassociated while I was still eating my bag of chips. What? I had hugged a lot into my arms and brought them into Kyle's room so I wouldn't have to go back for more. I like my bed—Kyle's bed, I guess. I like to eat. I like to shit. I like to look at my phone. Because memes are funny, and food is good, and I am sweet. Anyway.

Then Kyle bitches at me, "I'm still going to be stressed after I have the dorito, Cartman. Are you looking at one of those memes again?"

Well. Okay, then. How can he still be stressed after eating? I just do not understand that at all, really. But I do not ask him.

I just snicker and say back, "Yeah. They're pretty funny, dude."

I am still looking at my phone and swiping through memes while he is looking over at me. I glance up at him, though, because he does have a pretty cool hat. Yes, I do hate Kyle, but I am allowed to say that he has a pretty cool hat.

"Shouldn't you be, uh—I don't know, also working on your report?" Kyle asks me and he sounds irritated. Because of how smart he is.

I have even mentioned to Kyle that he is smart before. I am just a lazy ass. Okay. I am not a lazy ass with everything. Just homework.

"Why?" I ask dryly.

"Um, because it's due Monday?"

Then I am pissed off. I am not pissed off at Kyle. I am pissed off because I do not care about doing homework. Who cares about some stupid ass report that's due Monday? Not me. Besides, my mom just died, so Mr. Garrison should give me a little extra time because he will probably feel bad for me, too. Since my mom just died. And all I've got is Mr. Kitty. Mr. Kitty is probably with his cat friends on my couch at home, getting laid since my mom isn't there to stop him and neither am I. He's supposed to do that crap outside, but I guess I'll just have to ground him when I see him again.

I can't stay at Kyle's house forever. That would be a nightmare. I'm seriously.

"Jesus Christ. You're boring as fuck, Kyle. Relax. Have a dorito."

"Will you STOP saying that? Dude. I will kick you out if you don't let me work."

Why is he so mad? I've only said it, like, twice. It's a pretty cool thing to say. I feel like it will help a lot of people feel better if you tell them that.

Relax. Have a dorito.

Yeah. It sounds cool. Kyle used to always laugh at memes with me. And the dudes. I don't know what's gotten to him. I told him a way he can relax is by having a dorito and giving himself a break, but he doesn't wanna. Why the fuck not?

Doritos are yummy. The only thing that isn't yummy is ranch dressing. It just proves that vegetables suck if you need a dip for them to blend out the real taste. I hope his mom won't be serving any of those for dinner. Then I really WILL call her a bitch. Because that bitch gave me vegetables.

Man, I hate her so much. And I think she knows. Yet she feels bad for me so I am sleeping over. Would she have let me if she didn't feel bad for me?

I don't think so. Probably not.

I put on my innocent eyes when I am glaring up at him. "Nu-uh. You can't kick me out." My voice almost sounds like it's whining at him and it's gross. "My mom just died and I'm homeless so you have to feel bad for me." I pout anyway.

Kyle just slaps a hand to his forehead. "Oh no. Not THIS crap again. Don't tell me I have to feel bad for you. I'm feeling bad for you because I'm feeling bad for you."

I am about to reply to Kyle until I am looking back down at my phone again. Then I freak out. I am STILL freaking out, actually! What am I seeing?! Seriously.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

Then my thoughts come out of my mouth. "Dude. WHAT THE FUCK?! Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK?! The fuck? The fuck is this crap?!"

Kyle is still looking over at me like nothing serious is actually going on since I just told him to relax and have a Dorito. Anyway. He seems calm because he can't see what I'm looking at.

"Dude. Cartman?"

All he says is my name. With Kyle, you can't count how many times he will say dude either. It's weird since he says dude so many times and is thought of as the smartest kid in school—even though I tell everybody I am. I do know it's Kyle. I just won't say it out loud.

Anyway. I just realized how many times I just said fuck so then he DOES look at me seriously. His eyes look seriously. And I'm seriously. Seriously freaked out!

So I give him my phone after looking at the meme and he takes it.

"Look! The fuck is this, brah?! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!"

He has my phone now and is looking at what I just saw that almost made me crap my pants. Seriously. I'm freaked out shitless. I think Kyle will be, too, after he sees it. And he sees it right now.

Yes. He does look pretty freaked out. We are both looking pretty freaked out. I am so happy we are not around Kyle's mom at this time.

And you know what he says after seeing it?

"Dude…"

Yep. I really wasn't surprised there.

I think I know why this is a meme. Ever since people thought it would be "cute" if Tweek and Craig were gay, they ended up holding hands at the end in school because they just got so fed up with everyone thinking they were gay because of the Internet and because there was gay artwork and other gay stuff with them together.

Craig really did get pissed off, alright. I thought it was pretty cute, though. The thing with Tweek and Craig that went on.

But I can't believe what I had just seen! A meme! Of Kyle and us! And it's totally, totally fucking gay! As fuck! Like, seriously!

THE FUCK IS GOING ON HYAH?!

I am so confused. Seriously. I do not know what the fuck is going on, and how this had happened! Wait…

Then I remember. Now I think I know why.

It was the time I had first met Cupid Me. Or the time Wendy had made that report on Yaoi. And it was on Tweek and Craig. Their noses twisted up when they saw it. Except other people saw it cute. No. They weren't disgusted by gay people at all. Because that's what dicks are—disgusted by gay people.

And I am not a dick! Anyway. Ever since we all learned about Yaoi, kids have been drawing more and more of it. It's usually Asian girls who draw them of boys together who they think would be "cute", but it's not just Asians. I don't think.

I am not sure who made this meme of Kyle and I, though, but I want to kick them in the NUTS! And it's not because I am a homosexual. No. I am not. But Kyle and I are NOT gay! Or everyone in the school would know. And what they know is that we hate each other. Besides, how many times every day have I told him that? Infinity!

"We aren't together. Why did the Asians make a meme out of us?!"

"Of course we aren't together, dipshit! It's 'cause they're fuckin' sick, that's why!"

That's all I can think of how to respond to him. I am not a homosexual, but I am not sure how else to reply. I never should have told Kyle that I loved him to get what I wanted. Seriously. Why did I DO that?! Usually we all—and the people around us—forget what we did or what has happened! And now there's THIS crap! All because I told Kyle I loved him on stage over the Megatron. Because Nichole and Token were supposed to be together! Not Kyle and Nichole! Because blacks belong together! And I wasn't gonna let him ruin it so I had to do SOMETHING.

And now there's a friggin' meme out of us?! I can't believe it! I hate Kyle!

Yes. I said blacks belong together, but that does not mean Kyle and I belong together, because we totally don't! We hate each other! I hate him. He hates me. So then he says that.

"Don't worry, dude. I hate you. Remember?" Kyle reminds me, but he doesn't have to, because I hate him every second, every day, and every week. "It'll probably blow off just like everything does, and there will be a new meme that everyone will be way more into than the one right now."

But it doesn't. It doesn't blow over.

And that's the problem.