It was no surprise that my mom would die, because she was a total lush. At first, I thought I was lucky to have a mom who was a total lush. That way, I could live the way I wanted, but she never understood why I lived the way I could. I mean, I saw her smoking crack in my dad's bedroom when I was only a kid!
And when I told the guys, they just looked at me and said, "Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?"
Because they always thought everything I was saying was made up. Well, what most of what I said was made up, but it really wasn't. And I told them that the only reason they never understood was because they weren't mature enough to understand, and that was mostly true...Mostly.
I knew what I said when I said things. Especially about when I told them about my mom smoking crack on some guy's bed that I didn't even know, because it pretty much happened every week, but now it wouldn't happen anymore because my mom is dead. Yeah. I knew my uncle said that smoking crack was bad, and now I know just how bad smoking crack must be since my mom died from a fatal cause. Which was probably from her smoking crack every week, and her vagina which I knew what was at the bottom of it since Heidi had showed me, and I just still can't believe that vaginas don't have balls. Yeah. I can't believe that girls didn't have balls.
"Cartman?"
"Sorry, Kyle. I was just thinking really hard."
Anyway. My mom always wondered why I always did such naughty things, and what I really wanted to ask her, but now will never have the chance to is, well, why did you do such naughty things?! I mean, she didn't have to tell me she was a hermaphrodite! Maybe if she told me who my dad was, then I wouldn't of grounded up his parents into chili and fed it to him! Maybe that would've stopped me!
"Cartman? They said your mom's death was an accident, but do you know what could've happened for it to be without a cause?"
"Maybe her vagina was just really, really dried up, Kyle." I snicker.
And I don't know why I'm laughing and making a joke about my mom but it's me, so it never changes no matter the time or what's going on.
"That isn't funny, Cartman!"
"Yes it is. It's totally funny." I snicker.
"You fat son of a bitch! Your mom just died, and you're making jokes?!"
He's right. I thought the joke was totally funny. I thought maybe Kyle just wasn't listening because he was a Jew, and I know Kyle thinks my mom's death was an accident, but really, her vagina had just suddenly become shriveled up and totally worthless that guys didn't want her anymore, so she put a gun to her head, but I would never know what really happened.
"I mean, she was a total lush who didn't even tell me who my dad was, my dad who I made up into chili because I didn't know who he was."
"WHAT?! You can hate a kid all you want, but you don't grind their parents up into chili, you fat—!"
"Ms. Broflovski! Ms. Broflovski!" I suddenly call out.
"What?! Cartman, this doesn't mean you have to become an even bigger monster—"
I ignore what Kyle says about me and call out for her again.
"Ms. Broflovski!"
Ms. Broflovski doesn't answer, so I leave Kyle's room and go downstairs. She is talking to someone on the phone, so when I walk into the living room, she immediately puts the phone away and gives her time to talk to me. I guess I am just that important.
"Oh. Hello, Eric. Would you like some tea?" she asks me.
"Yes, Ms. Broflovski. I would love some tea." I smile gingerly.
Though what I'm thinking is: KYLE'S MOM IS A BIG, FAT, FUCKIN' BITCH!
So Ms. Broflovski then goes over to make some tea for me and then Kyle comes down into the living room.
Kyle looks at me and says, angrily, "You think just because your mom is dead, you can make jokes all you want? That doesn't give you the right to say and do whatever you want, Cartman!"
"Here's your tea, Eric. Oh, hi, Kyle. Would you like some tea, too? I've just made your friend, Eric, Oolong tea."
"I'm fine, Ma."
"I think it does." I then smile almost victoriously when Ms. Broflovski had brought me my tea. "Thanks so much for the tea, Ms. Broflovski."
"Oh. You're very welcome, Eric."
I sip at my tea and then Kyle leaves angrily. It sure looks like he could use some tea, so I don't know why he didn't accept it.
I don't even know why I was making jokes, honestly, but after Kyle walks back up angrily into his room, I sit at the table with Ms. Broflovski and we are drinking a nice cup of Oolong tea and having a nice chat, too. Then I remember about the yaoi thing, about how it could happen to any of us, and then I am suddenly afraid of going to school tomorrow.
It will blow over, right? I mean, that's all I want! For the yaoi thing to blow over! But ever since I saw that the Asian chicks had apparently drawn pictures of Kyle and I, I want to forget that I had ever seen us in a fictional relationship.
That's what I'll do! I'll just...forget about it! Yeah. That's what I will do. Even if I see the Asian chicks at school tomorrow drawing pictures, I will forget about it. I think Tweek and Craig's relationship was cute, but that doesn't mean Kyle and I are gay like we found out on the Internet, and I don't want anyone to think we are gay either!
Yes. I am going to have a talk with the Asian chicks tomorrow. I know my mom won't find out since she is dead, but maybe I have to start crashing with Kenny instead, because if I am crashing at Kyle's house, then I don't want anybody to know! And Kenny's my best friend, so there's definitely no drawings of us being gay.
Oh, fuck! Why does something like this have to happen?! Why can't we all just be guys hanging out, huh? Why does our hang outs have to be made into a fictional relationship? Seriously! I know now that ever since I saw Cupid Me that there is nothing wrong with two guys liking each other, but I hate Kyle with all my heart! I'm seriously!
Yes. I know now...tomorrow at school...that the Asian chicks are going to need a real talking to.