It is another day of school after the weekend I spent at Kyle's house, and still I wonder...
How can I suck it up this time? How can I try to have a positive attitude about it this time? Now I'm as poor as Kenny! It's so embarrassing. Yet, when I'm at school, I know I'll just do the same thing that I always do, which is ripping on other people to make myself less embarrassed about the fact that I'm poor now. Besides, I don't want all the kids at school to think I'm not cool, because I've always been the cool kid and the guys look up to me. So I have to not lose my cool until school is over.
So the thing with the Asians didn't bow over. Yes, I think Tweek and Craig are cute, but it's fucking sick that there's yaoi art of Kyle and I because I am definitely not homosexual.
"So, Cartman. I heard your house got burned down." Craig says.
I don't lose my cool when he asks me that. Well, at first I think I don't. Then...
"Yeah! Yeah, my house did get burned down, Craig! So fucking what?!" I scream at him, losing my cool. "You don't have to talk about it like it's suddenly all over the NEWS, asshole!"
Yeah, I lost my cool, but this is alright, because at least I'm ripping on Craig.
"Well, it's not on the news, but you know what's on the news?" Craig says in his monotone voice. "Or, at least, going on around school?"
"No?" I say.
"Lily, Frog, Kyle and Cartman."
"What? That's not going on around the school! The Asians drew you and Tweek in that picture, you gaywad!"
"Yeah. But now there's a picture of you and Kyle making out."
"Nu-uh!"
"Yeah-huh. Check it yourself. And yes, I am gay with Tweek. So what? Later, Cartman. The Asians are about to make us all gay."
Craig walks away.
"God, I hate Craig!"
"What's the matter, dude?" Kyle asks me.
He has just walked up to me.
"Kyle, I have to have a talk with the Asians now!"
"The Asians?"
"Yeah! They might have made Tweek and Craig gay but I am not gay!"
I am starting to lose my cool now. The Asians...can't make me...gay. It's just, I don't understand why all this yaoi stuff is suddenly just starting to become so popular. I thought it would stop with Tweek and Craig but looks like the Asians just keep drawing their yaoi art!
"Well, Stan did ask the question about if it could happen to any of us. So, who are you gay with Cartman?" Kyle asks.
"I showed you the picture last night! And apparently it's going around all of the school!"
Kyle looks mortified. "No."
"Oh, yeah! It's not just about me being gay, but it's about you being gay, too, Kyle!"
"Grow up, Cartman. It'll blow over."
"That's what Tweek and Craig said."
Over the PA system, I then hear Principle Victoria speaking.
"Eric Cartman and Kyle Broflovski to the principal office."
"What?! Me?"
"It's alright, Kyle. I get into trouble loads of times."
"Yeah, it may be alright for you, but I don't want my mom to know about this!"
"It's probably just about that yaoi thing." I say. "You know, they'll probably just check in with us about the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay like they did with Tweek and Craig. And talk about how if there's a romantic relationship—"
"There's no romantic relationship with us, fatass! It's just the Asians drawing pictures."
"Yeah. And look what happened with Tweek and Craig! So that's why we just have to go into the principal's office, and just tell them that we aren't gay, okay? And like...if at some point you or I wanted to touch each other's penises—"
"Cartman!"
"Okay, okay, Kyle." I snicker. "I'm just, trying to have a positive attitude and suck it up no matter what 'cause my house burned down and now I'm poor like Kenny's family AND the Asian's suddenly are making it look like we're gay! I know I'll need some tea when I'm home. Well, home."
I know I called my mom a bitch and a dirty slut but I do wish I could've been a better son do her!
"Okay. Let's just get this over with. And you can't use that as an excuse to make me feel bad for you."
So then we are each in a chair facing Principle Victoria who is going to ask us if we would like to ever touch each other's penises because of what the Asians made everyone think about us and I don't understand how it is decided, either, like Stan was confused about. I'm going to have to have a talk with him later. Maybe he can talk to his bitch girlfriend, Wendy, because she was the one who started that whole presentation at school about how yaoi art is "beautiful" and crap but it's really just sick!
I want this thing to blow over, because I don't want everyone to think I'm checking them out now because I'm gay! I'll just...I'll just kick their ass if they do anything that upsets me, that's all. I mean, I know there's nothing wrong with two guys liking each other, but Kyle and I don't like each other! I know love is love, as Cupid Me told me, but…
Hmm. Well, the talk with Principal Victoria is sure going to be interesting.