Well, I guess I'm having a talk with the Asians after Kyle and I get a speech from the PC Principal who is most likely going to NOT think they're just rumors like they did with Tweek and Craig.
Kyle and I are seated across from PC Principle.
"Hey, guys." PC Principle says. "I know there have been a lot of rumors flyin' around and I just wanted to check in with you. Don't worry, you're not in trouble."
"Oh, thank God." Kyle says. He looks relieved. "I couldn't take getting in trouble today. I mean, after all the Asian crap going on in the school—"
"Yes, well, that's what we do need to talk about. I know they're just rumors about you guys being gay and all, and even if you were gay, I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with it. Okay? Nothing wrong at all with being gay. Gay is okay."
"I know it's okay, PC Principle, but Cartman and I aren't gay."
"I might be bisexual."
"WHAT?!" Kyle says. "Cartman, stop being retarded. I just want to get out of here."
"I mean, I told you my grandpa was bi, right? And how I might be quarter bi...I know what it means, too. I'm not retarded like you tell me I am. I mean, you thought I was retarded because I saw a leprechaun, which I DID. And you thought…"
"Cartman, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Everything you just said is retarded. Just stop talking right now."
I cross my arms. "Okay, Jew."
"Anyway. Eric, what you're saying is completely irrelevant. We're talking about being gay. And I want to talk to you guys about consent, too, if you were gay."
"But we're not gay! So why do we even need to talk about this?!"
"Well, Kyle, I just think you should know something about consent."
"I know what consent means. I learn new things everyday."
"Okay, well, your friend Eric might not know wwhat it means. Okay? So what it means is that if there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration."
"Dude!" Kyle looks grossed out.
"Look." PC Principle says. "This is important if you ever want to touch Cartman's penis, Kyle. You need to say, for me to let you guys go, 'Cartman, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?' Alright. Let's try it out and then you boys are free to leave."
"Cartman, is it alright if I touch your penis?" Kyle drags out the words.
"Okay, good. Now Cartman, you might say 'You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that.' Or of course you could say 'No, you may not touch my penis at this time."
"No, you may not touch my penis at this time." I say.
"That's just 'cause he has a small penis."
"I do not, Kyle!"
"Okay. Anyway. You boys may go."
Now that that's over with, I have got to talk to The Asians to get them to stop. They're why all the rumors have started!
"Jesus Christ. What the hell is wrong with everybody? Why would I ever want to touch YOUR penis?" Kyle looks grossed out, again.
"What's wrong with being gay? Weren't you listening to him?"
"Oh yeah. Like you ever listen to the teachers, Cartman! That's why you never stop getting in trouble."
"Well, I didn't get in trouble this time, did I?"
"No. Uh...Whatever. I'm gonna go find Stan."
"Okay, gaywad."
Kyle's fists are balling up in anger.
"Just kidding, Kyle."
Then he walks away. I find the Asians.
"Excuse me. Why are you doing this?"
I hold up a picture of Kyle and I that looks pretty fuckin' gay and makes me feel sick to my stomach.
"Oh, hi, Eric." A girl says.
The rest of them are talking in different languages. I don't know what they're saying.
"What are they saying?"
"I don't know. I'm Japanese."
"Goddammit."
"I knew you would do that." The girl says.
"What?" I look confused. "Forget it. It doesn't mean anything."
Then I walk away from them and go to class.