AN-This part gets a little dirty near the end. If it's not your cup of tea, don't read it. Otherwise, I plan on making the other upcoming chapters dirty soon. So click the back button if it's not your thing, otherwise continue reading! Cartman x Kyle.

Kyle's POV

What am I doing? Is it so wrong to pretend I'm a gay couple with Cartman just so we can get a little bit of cash since nobody else knows how to react to us being a gay couple? Jews don't believe in hell so maybe it doesn't matter, but what if we're wrong?

"Kyle, do you feel a little spark of magic in you?" Cartman asks me.

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"Nevermind. Nevermind. Just, I feel a little spark of magic in me. I'm pretty sure someone pissed in my mouth last night."

"Gross! Who would piss in your mouth last night, Cartman?! You know I hate piss." I bitch. Ever since the water park..."

Cartman cackles at me. "Heh. Yeah, you had to drink piss. Pretty funny."

"What if that was you?" I ask, clenching my fists.

"Honestly, I wouldn't really care. It probably tastes just like apple juice." He says stupidly.

"It doesn't." I say while seething.

It's much better talking to Cartman on the phone, because at least I can hang up on him then, but when we're face to face he annoys the shit out of me. Especially even more now since we're pretending to be a gay couple for money. And what did he mean when he asked if I felt a little spark of magic in me? Was he having another one of his delusions? Probably.

I'm surprised my dad accepts this. Us, pretending to be a gay couple. He liked when I fit in when the whole town went meterosexual or whatever, but he also had a surprised look on his face because he didn't want it to be his son and for a second, he thought his son was gay. I must just be his son and he loves me no matter what. What's even worse is that I'm gay with Cartman. I'm not sure how Stan is feeling about it. Maybe I need to have a talk with him. He's probably thinking, What the fuck? Anyway, I didn't really feel meterosexual, but I got beat up if I didn't.

I'm so glad that's over with, because even Stan walked away from me at that time when I needed him, but I guess I walked away from him when he got assburgers. I'm pretty sure most believe we're a gay couple, especially Butters, but I'm not so sure about Stan. Especially since he was concerned on why I wanted to eat Cartman's farts in front of the whole world if he wasn't blackmailing me all because the fate of the world was at stake and I had to do something about it. Maybe I can never be at peace with myself.

I've done some pretty sick stuff over the years, whether I wanted to or not. I'm not in every class with Cartman, so at least I get my space then.

When I'm home from school, Cartman is the first one to be in my bedroom. I open it and find him naked on my bed, moaning. I see him masturbating furiously and never thought this would be a problem for me to encounter, until he moved in with us.

He stops what he's doing, embarrassed when he sees me.

"Oh, hey, Kyle." He says coolly and then throws the covers on him. "What's up, Jew boy? I kind of need some space right now, if that's alright."

"Uh-" I'm speechless for a second after seeing a naked Cartman. "Dude, are-were you jacking off in my bed?!" I ask, grossed out. "Whatever. I don't want to talk about it. Not much. I'm gonna go downstairs and work on my homework."

"Okay." He says. "I-I apologize, Kyle. I don't exactly have my own bed anymore. I'm human. It's just something we have to do sometimes."

"It's...it's fine, Cartman." I say awkwardly. "And I know."

Then I close the door and walk downstairs to pretend I didn't see Cartman naked. And he was naked on my bed.

When I get a little time to myself in my bedroom later on, I end up doing the same thing, and I'm thinking of Cartman while masturbating.

What the hell is wrong with me?

The next day, I'm still holding Cartman's hand as we walk down the hallway. I'm carrying his backpack and books, just like when he made me do that because I had to make sure there would be peace.

"Cartman, since you're my boyfriend, maybe you can hold my backpack and books next time?" I ask.

He puts his arm around my shoulder and says, "Sure, babe."

Stan is sort of ostracized from us now that we're dating. I really do need to talk to him later on, because he's still not sure what to think about this. Am I going to eat Cartman's farts in front of the whole world again? No. Am I going to call my mom a fat skank again because of Cartman? No, but ever...ever since I saw him masturbating on my bed...

I've been confused.

Stan walks up to us next.

"How come you're carrying Cartman's stuff?" He asks. "I feel like I'm in a time warp."

"Because he's my boyfriend, Stan." I tell him. "There's no time warp. I just thought it'd be nice. He's gonna carry my books next time, because that's what boyfriends do."

His face is shocked. As in, what the hell is going on?

"Yes. I've never been so happy." Cartman says ecstatically. "He even did my homework for me and we shared each other's soda at lunch. I thought I was happy with Heidi, but she was really just abusive to me. Kyle is the complete opposite of that. We realized..all our hate the past years has just been built up sexual tension. When we get home, Kyle is amazing in bed."

Oh god...

"Oh no. The Asian girls made you guys gay?" Stan asks. "You're supposed to hate each other! Cartman, call Kyle a Jew right now."

"Don't be such a homophobe, Stan." Cartman says. "I've learned that it's wrong to rip on someone's religion, especially if they're your boyfriend."

Had he really learned that or was he just spouting shit he didn't mean?! It's hard to tell with Cartman.

"I'm not!" He says defensively. "I just, are people actually believing you guys are a gay couple?" He asks. "Why are you doing this?"

He's pressing for more information. I know he's my super best friend and I should tell him everything, but I can't.

"Yes." I say. "I love Cartman, Stan. That's why I'm doing this."

Then he pukes all over the floor.

"Sick!" Cartman cackles. "Dude, maybe you should go to the nurse, Stan."

"Yeah, Cartman. Maybe I should." He says.

Then he walks away and goes over to the nurse.

"Can I tell him you saw me masturbating on your bed?" He asks.

"Absolutely not." I say.