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Chapter 24 - Only A Dream

^.^

We did not share a room that night.

It was the first night of many and my bed suddenly felt big and lonely. Since Naru was much bigger than I was, in order to avoid bumping into him at night, I often clung to the edge of the bed while sleeping. Now, this mattress just seemed too big on my own.

Naru was the one who suggested it would be best to sleep separately and I didn't disagree. We both needed time to sort through what had happened. For Naru that took longer than most.

I showered and readied for myself for sleep, still dizzy with the thought that I kissed Naru.

Not only did he kiss me back but he had confessed to thinking about me.

Despite the hollow feeling in my gut, I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot. That smile stayed glued to my face until I slowly dozed off.

I wasn't quite dreaming when I felt the lingering of a visitor on the edge of my sleep.

Gene materialized, then frowned at me upon arrival. "Did you tell him?"

Seeing Gene, everything hit me like being run over by a freight train. I felt the intensified guilt for not telling the truth; the despair of what the truth would mean; and the devastation that I could never be with Naru.

I felt my voice shake as I stared into a face that was identical to Naru's. "I couldn't."

"Mai," Gene warned in a tone he never used with me. "I know you don't want to hurt him but he deserves to know the truth."

"He won't be hurt," I said confidently. "He won't be hurt because he won't remember."

Eyebrows furrowed, "What do you mean?"

I flipped my wrist over and saw Gene's eyes drop to the tiny tattoo of a fox mask.

My deal with Kitzune.

Gene's eyes were pupil wide, he breathed. "What did you do?"

"I don't know why you wanted me to see that meeting with the Spirit Guardians, but it brought me to Kitzune who made me a deal. I find the Lasser Glass and he'll take away any memories of me from Naru and the others when I die -"

"The Lasser Glass!" Gene looked horrified and I realized that I didn't tell him that tidbit yet.

Gene stepped back as if I had struck him, flashing in those blue-grey eyes was undeniable anger. "I showed you that because I wanted you to understand how dangerous this situation is! Kitzune is a spiritual entity that is a thousand years old! He doesn't want to help you, he would rather see you suffer. How could you be so reckless?"

I had never heard Gene sound so upset before. There was a part of me that was scared of this side Gene because I had never encountered anything but a smiling and supportive Gene. I did not know this resistance.

"I know he will keep his promise," I raised my voice even though it shook. "I trust him."

Gene growled, "He's using you because he can't find the Lasser Glass himself."

"No, he's not," I gritted my teeth. Gene's tone reminded me of all the times that Naru would speak condescendingly to me. It was infuriating and I felt my blood boil in reaction to it.

"Why do you think he wants to help you?" Gene argued, "And how do you know he won't screw you over when he's found the mirror?"

"Because," I hissed, gripping my hands into fists. "I'm the only one who has a direct connection to it. There is a piece of the Lasser Glass in the Xipherian Amulet and I am linked to both of them. He wouldn't betray me when I'm the only way he can restore the mirror in the first place."

Gene huffed out a breath as if he had heard the most ridiculous thing in the entire world.

Something within me broke at the sound of it.

"Do you think I enjoy this?" I snapped. "I'm not some heartless, soulless monster. I never asked for this to happen and I'm doing the best I can to fix this! It may not have been the smartest decision but I had no other choice."

"I could have helped you," Gene snarled. "Noll could have helped if you had just thought things through. So, yes - you did have a choice."

He sounded frustrated and in the next moment, his voice was dark. "You're not trying to find answers because you've already given up."

I jerked backwards.

I had never argued with Gene before and he never had used this tone with me. Our relationship was built on those initial happy meetings and a mutual benefit to one another. Now it was starting to feel real. I was beginning to see Gene as someone I could trust, someone I could lean on. Maybe in a way I saw him as a brother figure, as a friend.

It hurt to know that he thought I was giving up. It hurt to see that he thought I was taking the easy way out. The disappointment in his voice rang clear to me and I hated it.

Neither one of us spoke over the tension. Both of us were usually cool-headed, we were lovers not fighters. It spoke worlds to me that Gene was so upset over this.

"I haven't given up," I told him as he watched me on the swirling, dark plane. "I am going to find the Lasser Glass."

"Then you will die," said Gene in a cruel voice. "Don't count on Kitzune to uphold any bargain between the two of you either."

I had enough of this and Gene was fully aware that I could end this anytime I wished. Without much of a second though, I lowered the veil between this world. The channel, when it was open, felt like a static charge across my skin. Now it was like a dull ache.

Gene's words resonated in my mind as I lay alone in my room.

'You've given up.'

So what if I had. There wasn't much of a hope to ending this damned curse. It wasn't like I was asking for this to happen. If this didn't end with me then someone else would become the anchor. It was a vicious cycle that had been going on for long enough.

So what if it did mean I've given up? This horrible deed needed to end.

^.^

The blue eyed control was firmly back in place the next day. Naru didn't say a word about my bad mood, or the clear signs of my sleepless night.

When I arrived in the kitchen, I noticed Naru was on his way out. He hadn't cooked breakfast or made any tea for himself. It was unlike Naru since I had started to get used to our morning conversations over breakfast.

"I'll be out for the day," he informed me as he grabbed his jacket and went to the door. "I'll also be away for dinner so feel free to start without me."

I didn't even get the chance to open my mouth and reply. Naru was already out the door and I heard it close behind him.

I sat alone in my apartment with the rising guilt heavy as lead in my stomach.

I screwed up.

^.^

I had work at noon, so I decided to have a productive day and go shopping for groceries. I invited Masako and Yasu, the latter had said he would make it up to me with a movie at a later date.

We were in the supermarket, slowly going through my list of food when I finished telling Masako what had happened this morning.

"I wouldn't worry, I'm sure he just needs a little more time," Masako said after I told her how he acted this morning. "What were the two of you fighting about to begin with?"

"It's really silly," I said vaguely, and changed the topic. "Do you think I overstepped my boundaries? What if he doesn't even like me like that." I had already screwed up by telling Naru too much of the truth. I wasn't about to have the same thing happen with Masako.

Besides, I trusted in Kitzune's promise to me.

"You know Naru better than anyone else." Masako said after a moment. "If he didn't want to be with you then he would have made his feelings known."

"I think I really screwed up this time." I looked down, that heavy feeling remained in the pit of my gut all through the morning.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. "Don't be too concerned. Naru is a very private person and he's not a very social. Things like this tend to elude him."

That sounded remarkably similar to what Gene once told me. It was such a long time ago now I couldn't believe I was hearing those words again. Thinking about Gene and I fighting put another damper on my mood.

Masako didn't pick up on this though, her hand lingered on my shoulder. She mused, quietly, "I do wonder what bothered him enough to push even you away."

"Who knows," I said, echoing words I had said once that felt like a long time ago now. "With him, who cares."

My friend gave me a sad look as she lowered her hand. "Well, whatever is it I don't think you should wait. I think you should talk to him when you get the chance. You'll be seeing off his parents tomorrow evening, right?"

In order to avoid being anymore of the topic, I simply nodded. The conversation had begun to make me feel very anxious.

"You should try to speak with him as soon as you can."

Maybe when she touched me, I realized, Masako could have picked up on some of my lingering emotions. Maybe she was very aware of the situation - or at least vaguely aware of it. I wasn't sure how sensitive she was to things like that, but the last thing I wanted was to hurt Masako too.

"I will, thank you Masako."

We parted ways shortly after I finished paying, then I went to my apartment, dropped off my groceries and left straight for work.

Things were not going as I expected. It made sense that I would feel guilty keeping such a big secret from my friends. I never expected to have to push them away entirely, not when I needed them the most.

I decided to cut through a park that I had known well.

It was called Curry Park, and it was a park Lucien and I came to often. We had nicknamed it to 'our' park because this was were we had our first kiss.

I stopped near the bench where it happened. Lucien had been courting me for nearly a year. We met at school in the library (of all places). Lucien wasn't really an academic but he didn't have to study very hard to get his good grades. I can't even remember why he was in the library to begin with or why I was. I hated the library because it was a place I thought Naru would love. It was full of books and knowledge.

Back then, I had been on the antidepressants. They had numbed so much of me that when Lucien had come up to me that day in the library I couldn't fathom why. I was a plain girl compared to others in our school, I had lost my sense of self and I felt like a hollowed, soulless doll.

Lucien was very patient with me. He offered to meet me for lunches, study sessions which it turned into after school outings. It was around that time I had let the depression slip to Lucien. He was attentive, listening to me as I tried to relay what I was feeling.

I didn't realize how much I needed that. Lucien gave me an outlet and acted as my caregiver. Something that I relied on, heavily, during those years.

When Lucien kissed me, he was the only boy I had ever kissed. He was gentle and patient, but assertive.

That was the beginning of our love story.

I felt a strange breeze touch my skin and I glanced behind me at the direction of the phantom wind. It moved my hair across my neck and sent a flurry of shivers down my spine.

Standing there was a man, I got a strange sense he wasn't entirely...human.

His skin was an off-greyish color, and his eyes were black pits. The man had no facial expressions, only a blank look as he stared at me.

"Can I help you, sir?" I asked, forcing back the tremble in my voice and trying for a polite tone.

In a blink of an eye the man was gone and I stepped back, once. Twice.

My heart was racing when I spun around and he reappeared again, standing in front of me. My breath was caught in my throat and I narrowed my eyes at the sudden threat he posed.

This time, his head tilted to the side, "Are you are the anchor?"

Breathing got harder when he started to step towards me.

I stumbled back, holding out my hands in front of me. "Don't come any closer!"

The spirit man halted.

Instinctively, I had already drawn a portion of the technique Bou-san taught me years ago. I didn't even feel my arm move yet I had somehow remembered the incantation.

Just as quickly as the last time, the man vanished.

I didn't wait to see if he had appeared anywhere else because I started running. I was not athletic so I didn't know how to pace myself and got out of breath near the end of the park.

The man never showed up again and I made it to work faster because of my increased pace.

With all this doubt surrounding me I had one last thing to do before heading into the orphanage.

Quickly, I slipped out to the back of the church and lifted the sleeve of my jacket. I didn't know what I was doing, if it would work but I was going to try anyway.

I touched the inside of my wrist, where Kitzune's mark was. Closing my eyes, I let those floodgates open within me and I focused hard on Kitzune's presence. I recalled those shining gold eyes, and that face which was not at all human.

It was not a full manifestation. I was standing at the Iron Gates when I saw those bright eyes. "Using my mark to call on me. You're either very brave or very foolish, I can't yet decide."

I lowered my arms to my sides, "A deal is a deal. You said there is a way to break the curse? I want to know what it is."

Kitzune did not take his furry form as he had last time. Instead, he was a mass of darkness wearing a red, white and black fox mask.

Those eyes, however, were like molten gold. "Are you truly ready to hear it?"

"How do you break it?" I snapped.

"It's very simple: the Lasser Glass is the only thing keeping everything in place. When it is restored and I have taken it away from the human realm, the curse cannot exist any longer."

It was simple - so simple I almost laughed.

"There has to be more," I said, skeptical. "It's never that easy. What about the anchor?"

"You never asked about the anchor."

I clenched my jaw - he was right. "Fine. What about the maker of this? What happens to him?"

Kitzune asked in a delighted tone, "What do you want to happen to him? Do you wish for him to die?"

A cruel voice within me said, "yes."

It took me a moment to realize I had said that out loud.

The fox-spirit did not answer my question, instead he looked at the gates. "They are marvelous, are they not?"

I looked at them too, not revealing that I had found the sensation of passing through them to be one of the most high's I had ever experienced before. Being within the gates was breath-taking.

"They are also a beacon." Kitsune said, "A beacon that leads straight to you."

Not exactly following what he was saying, I said. "What do you mean?"

Kitzune seemed to enjoy toying with me because those golden eyes were the last thing I saw when the world dissolved. I swore under my breath and the dismissal was well timed, one of my students had found me.

"Miss Mai, are you okay?" The young girl asked.

"Yes, Torhu, let's head inside now." I picked up my bag and lead us towards the front of the building.

I recalled the spirit asking if I was the anchor. Maybe he was a lost soul that wanted to pass on. I felt bad that I couldn't offer his spirit the peace he sought, but it was better this way. Sara had warned me about the souls I took beyond the gates and how they ended up being used for her father.

Then what Kitzune had said... did he mean that going to the gates meant Izanagi was able to find me?

That wasn't good news at all.

If having spirits go through the gates not only added to his life but allowed him to find where I was than the solution was simple: I would no longer allow spirits to cross over.

I had to keep myself away from the gates and away from any souls looking to cross over.

It would be impossible to track down a single person if you knew nothing about them.

And I intended on keeping him as far away from me as I could.

^.^

Friday night crept upon us quicker than it should have. Naru still did not sleep in the same room as me, needing more time than any other person might have. In fact, Naru seemed to be keen on not spending any time with me at all, even keeping our conversations to a bare minimum. To make things worst, Gene had not visited me since our fight either.

Our ride to the airport that night was quiet, and goodbye's were brief.

From father to son, Martin simply shook Naru's hand in a formal gesture.

"Take care of yourself, Oliver." Martin said and Naru nodded.

Naru said, "Have a safe flight."

Thenhe turned to Luella who stepped towards him. Naru braced himself for the stiff hug she gave him.

It was a lovely sight. Naru was significantly taller than she, her small arms wrapped around him, gently drawing his shoulders down and Naru had to bend at the waist. His own arms slowly wrapped around her.

"Be safe, my boy." She pulled away, teary eyed. "Please, come home soon."

"I'll be fine, Mother."

Luella turned to me next. She gave me a tight-lipped smile and beckoned for me to step into her for a hug. It felt warm and lovely. I couldn't remember the last time I received a hug like this and if I did...maybe I imagined it.

Luella's hand ran over my hair, cupping the back of my head.

She whispered, "Promise me you'll take care of him."

Her voice was pitched low enough for just the two of us.

I squeezed her tighter. "Of course."

Luella pulled away and her smile crinkled her cheeks. "It was lovely to see you again, Mai."

"it was lovely seeing you all as well," I agreed.

"Don't be a stranger now, Mai." Madoka said, squeezing her way to me. "You'll be in London after you're done school, right?"

She winked while saying this before stepping in to hug me too. "I'll think about it."

Madoka pulled away with a smirk, and I knew that if it were up to her she would have her way. Then, she turned to Lin and without a word she raised on her tiptoes to kiss him. I tried not to gawk but the sight had me absolutely floored.

Lin seemed to have a more successful love life than I did. Great.

"Come home to me safely. And keep these two in check," She giggled.

Lin looked as if he were in heaven when he stared at his fiancée. He raised a hand and cupped her face. "You know I will. Have a safe flight back."

The three of us watched as Martin, Madoka and Luella went into the terminal. When they were safely across the screening, we turned to leave. Lin had drove the Davis' and Madoka so he was able to go straight to Bou-san's from the airport.

Naru still had the rental until tomorrow which we took back to the apartment. The ride was quiet, any small talk I attempted Naru seemed to shut down immediately. Besides, neither of us wanted to bring up the awkward topic of the kiss that happened two nights ago.

When we got home, I opted to shower first. I didn't know about Naru but I certainly had an accumulated filth from my long day.

As I emerged out of the shower in my usual night attire, a tank top and a pair of shorts, I saw Naru sitting on the edge of the bed.

I had a towel wrapped around my neck to catch any remaining wetness from my hair. Slowly I slid it off trying to hide the nervousness in my voice.

"What's up, Naru?"

I walked to my dresser, reaching for my brush and running it through my hair. I watched Naru in the vanity mirror.

In the quiet room, Naru finally spoke.

"You must think I'm pretty pathetic," Naru said in the darkness. I tried to stay very still but instead, I turned to watch him. The dim lightning hit him in a hard and beautiful way.

"I don't know what you mean," It was a lie - something I was starting to get very good at. I knew what he meant, and was a little shocked he was the one wanting to talk about it.

Naru said, very precisely, "About what happened between us the other night."

"Oh."

I watched him carefully and he kept his eyes on his hands clasped in front of him on his knees. I didn't want to push Naru, didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. His face seemed at ease but I could tell from his body language that this was a very sensitive topic. His knuckles were white as he gripped his hands.

"I find it difficult to...let go of the control." Naru said in a moment of painful honesty. I knew it was hard for him to admit that out loud.

"No kidding," I lowered the brush, placing it back on the dresser. "You said that you think about me."

I couldn't look at him when he answered me from across the room, "I do."

I swallowed hard and leaned on the dresser. This must be painful for Naru and it shouldn't be one-sided.

"I think about you too." I confessed, nervously.

My voice was barely a whisper. Saying the words out loud gave them an entirely different feeling.

Naru looked up at me and gave me a little smile. "I know you do."

That smile was cocky and narcissistic but I felt so helplessly charmed by it and I smiled too.

Something changed and Naru stand up, then walked towards me until he had closed the distance between us.

"Naru?" I pressed myself into the dresser, felt the handles dig into my skin. I stayed perfectly still as he stepped closer.

"I may be bad at it," Naru said and for a moment I thought I had missed something he had could have mentioned before. It occurred to me that it was a confession. "At letting you in."

"It's okay," my voice trembled. "I might be bad at it too. We can teach each other."

Now he was in front of me and was so close that I could smell his scent off his clothes. I let the airy smell fill my nostrils, breathing in slowly.

I looked up at him, helplessly. "Please kiss me."

Naru leaned down, his arms at his sides and I felt his lips on mine.

Maybe Naru was expecting me to take charge, to lead the way. I forced myself to stay very still and allow my lips to move with Naru's. At his bidding, Naru stepped closer and the gap between us was closed. His hands were braced on each side of me and I was caught between his body and the dresser behind me.

He pulled away gently, just enough to look at me. There was a fire in his eyes that I had never experienced before. A passion burning in a violet-blue flame.

Naru leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead, I felt his breath trembling.

"We don't have to rush anything," said Naru as he stepped back. "We have time."

The words were like an arrow straight to my heart. I let out a deep, shuddering breath I hadn't noticed I was holding.

I pushed down the guilt that threatened my willing tongue.

"You're right," I nodded, not wanting to admit that my time was slowly coming to and end.

Suddenly, something bumped me in the physical world and then Naru vanished.

Everything vanished, like scissors cutting through a taut ribbon and I sat straight up in my seat - I was still in the car.

It was dark and Naru was shifting the vehicle into park. That's what must have jolted me awake.

"We're home." He said, then proceeded to slide out of the car.

My heart was pounding as the hard realization set in.

Naru hadn't kissed me, or confessed to me.

It was only a dream.

^.^