A/N: So happy by the response to this! However tomorrow I have to make a start on my essay so I can't guarantee an update for a little bit (although I'm the queen of procrastination so you never know.

Warning - this chapter contains self-harm.

My dearest Rebekah,

I am in Milan at the moment. I say at the moment, we've been here for fifteen months. And really, if you have found this letter, you know where I am. Or where I was. Because it's unlikely that both me and this letter are still in the same place. What I've seen is pleasant enough, although I will admit that it was a very limited amount (as always). I don't know what he hopes to achieve by his tour of Europe. Milan, Rome before that, Prague, Paris, Germany. Sometimes I wonder if our abrupt departures from these places are because you've been pursuing us and have got too close for his comfort. I hope that's the case anyway.

Last night I attended a charity function with the twins. It made a pleasant change from the monotony of my day to day life in this apartment. It may be large but there's only so long that you can look at the same walls.

I decided to write this after last night because it made me think of you, of you all. Has it really been five years since I last saw you? Time seems distorted, stretched out of shape. Years pass by in minutes but the days stretch out to months.

I feel that I am losing touch with myself. I don't even remember the person I used to be anymore. She exists only as some kind of dream, a shadow. Something that is there but separate.

It was good to see the girls smile again. I devote myself to trying to find a way to keep them happy, to keep them reminded of who they are. Blair looked beautiful. With each day, the Kol in her becomes clearer and clearer. Lilah was

My pen faltered on the paper. I sighed and folded the paper. My eyes looked over to the empty bed. I hated lying, even if they never saw the letters, just writing down my lies made me feel bad. I got to my feet and went over to the beds. I tucked the letter under Lilah's mattress and turned to Blair's bed where she slept peacefully, worn out from the evening's activities. I reached over and gently stroked her hair. She mumbled softly and curled up, cuddling her toy cat to her chest. I sat down on Lilah's empty bed and picked up her own toy, the soft plush wolf Kol had given her. I ran my fingers through the matted fur, worn down in places by her hands. Eighteen months…

It was early morning. The sun hadn't risen yet but I'd been unable to sleep any longer. I knew that Lucien preferred me to stay in bed until he woke, ever the dutiful wife, but I felt that it was worth whatever he could dish out just to have these minutes of privacy. I'd been leaving these letters at every place we'd stayed, hoping that they would lead the siblings to me. I had no idea if they worked or not. I didn't even know if they were looking for me.

I kissed Blair's head and reluctantly returned to the bedroom, knowing that it would be better for me in the long run. I carefully pulled back the cover and grimaced at the sight of the sheets, spotted with blood. I slipped under the covers and closed my eyes. Lucien reached out automatically and pulled me close. I wasn't sure if he was asleep, or merely pretending to be. I lay in his arms, watching the sky lighten through the gap.

He tightened his grip slightly and let out a sleepy grumble. He nuzzled my throat and I suppressed a wince as he aggravated the wound on my neck, the dried blood that had formed over the injury cracking and flaking a little.

"Good morning love…" he said with a yawn. "Sleep well?" I made a noncommittal noise. "You're looking a little worse for wear."

He stretched and got up, heading over to the dresser. He picked up a glass and bit his wrist, holding the glass under the flow of blood. I sat up slowly, feeling queasy as I watched the red liquid gather in the bottom of the glass.

"Time for a pick me up?" He held the glass up.

"I'm fine…" I hated this. Every time he hurt me, he would force to drink his blood and heal. I knew he didn't really care how I felt, he just wanted me to look good (and apparently bruises weren't attractive) as well as using it as another way to extend his control over me. With his blood in my system, I was trapped. Even death wouldn't offer me relief from him.

"Elena, it's good for you. Now drink." He pushed the glass into my hand. I looked away. "You know what will happen if you refuse."

I did know. I obediently grasped the glass and downed the contents. Lucien smile.

"Now then, was that so hard?" He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "I'm going to take a shower. I'll join you for breakfast in a little while."

He headed through to the ensuite. I got up, slipped on clean underwear and one of the skimpy scraps of lace that he insisted I wear. I wrapped my dressing gown around me and I headed to the kitchen. Most of the time Lucien didn't eat with me. He'd leave early in the morning and return late. This was how I liked it. He employed a number of staff, including his ever present security team, but he didn't have a chef which meant I was free to make and eat what I wanted. I never had much of an appetite but enjoyed having some control over my life, even if it was only a tiny amount. When Lucien ate breakfast with me, it usually meant that he was angry and wanted to torment me, he was feeling extra sadistic and wanted to torment me or that he was going to move us again.

I poured glasses of juice and warmed some croissants in the oven. By the time I was finished setting the table, Lucien had left the shower and dressed. He sat down at the table, looking perfectly at ease.

"Are we moving then?" I asked, coming over and sitting down. There was no point beating around the bush. Lucien raised his eyebrow at my forthrightness. I looked away, taking a croissant and beginning to pick it apart.

"We are, yes. One of my witches came up with a potential lead to solve our little problem."

I grimaced. That was the reason he'd taken me in the first place. He wanted me to give him a little army of vampire children to use for whatever nefarious purposes he had in mind. So far though he'd had no luck in finding the correct spell to enable that. It looked like the New Orleans witches had kept quiet just how I'd managed it the first time.

"Your problem…" I muttered under my breath.

"Did you say something Elena?" he asked.

Yes. I said it was your problem. Having children with you is the thing I want the least.

"No, I didn't say anything." I wasn't brave enough or stupid enough to actually say what I wanted. "Where are we going?" I hoped if he told me I'd be able to leave a message for the siblings. Breadcrumbs, but better than nothing.

"England. I have a few contacts there that might be able to help. There's rumour of some witches in Ireland as well who might know what to do. If that doesn't pan out, we'll go to Budapest. I have some… acquaintances there. They have their own witches, who are meant to be incredibly powerful."

"When do we leave?"

"Two days." He smirked. "If you're good in that time, I'll let the puppy out to play with you."

I looked away, biting my tongue to hold in an acidic comment.

"Are you working today?

"I was considering taking the day off."

At his words, I felt the colour drain from my cheeks. I bit my lip, trying to come up with an excuse for why he should go that wouldn't sound like I was trying to get rid of him (which of course I was). I heard a door opening down the hall and the excited scamper of my daughter's feet on carpet. My heart sank. I tried my hardest to restrict the time that Blair and Lucien were near each other. Normally that was easy, he was gone before she got up and I'd hurry her to her bedroom the second I heard his key in the door.

"Morning mama!" she said brightly, clambering into her chair. "Morning Luci!"

We'd run into the natural problem of what Blair would call Lucien. She'd called him daddy once or twice and he seemed to find that mildly amusing. I did my best to drill into her brain that he wasn't her daddy, that her daddy was a prince who lived far away and who would one day come to rescue us. I don't know if she really understood, but she stopped. Luci was a tolerable substitute.

"Good morning princess," I said, manufacturing a smile. I got up and began to assemble her breakfast. I wondered what would happen to her if Lucien got his way. Would he continue to use her as a pawn, parading her around like a prized dog at events? Or would he discard her…?

My thoughts went, as they often did, to the house in New Orleans, to the siblings and my secret hidden beneath the mattress. I tried to banish the thoughts from my head, half fearing that he would see it on my face somehow when I turned around.

I brought over her breakfast and sat down. She dug in and I occupied myself with gathering flakes of pastry on my fingertip.

"Don't play with your food Elena, you'll set a bad example," Lucien said. I glared at him.

"Maybe you should take your own advice…"

I got up and focused on cleaning the already spotless kitchen, so that I could avoid talking to him. I wanted to take a shower and try to purge some of the dirt from my body, but I couldn't leave Blair out here with him, alone. Who knew what he might whisper in her ear?

An arm wrapped around my waist and I was pressed against the counter. He ran his mouth down my throat.

"I always thought you liked my games… maybe I should up the stakes, make you more interested in playing…"

"No… please…"

His hand slid down my waist to grope painfully at my thigh, no doubt leaving bruises.

"You need to learn Elena or that smart mouth of yours will get you in trouble." He nipped my earlobe, his hand rising higher. His phone rang and he pulled back. I slumped over the counter, feeling like everything had been sucked out of me.

"This better be an emergency," he growled into the phone. I quietly worked on the washing up, repeatedly cleaning the same plate as he muttered and snarled at the person on the other end.

Please… please… please…

"It looks like I have to go into work after all," said Lucien, hanging up his phone. "Since apparently everyone I hired is too incompetent to actually do what they're paid to do."

"That's… unfortunate."

"I'll see you tonight." He strode out of the kitchen. I waited, refusing to move from my spot until I heard the sound of the front door. When it came, I let out a sigh of relief. Blair had finished her breakfast, so I sent her to her bedroom to do some colouring while I went to the bathroom. I ran a bath, turning the temperature up as hot as I could. I undressed and sank into the steaming water, hissing softly in pain as it burned my skin. I closed my eyes, trying to singe away every touch, every brush of his fingers, every bite of his fangs.

Five years. Five years since I'd seen the siblings. Five years since I'd smiled with any real emotion. I wasn't sure when my emotions had died but after a while, all I felt was numbness. In a way, that was almost worse. I could feel my body shutting down. I was living, only in the loosest sense of the word.

I reached up and picked up a razor from the shelf. I turned the shiny surface over in my fingers. So much pain I had suffered, that no one knew. So many scars inflicted that were gone the next day. My suffering meant nothing in the end, not to anyone else. If I died in this apartment, or any of the identical ones Lucien owned, the world would keep on spinning.

I guided the blade over the curve of my leg, watching the skin split, the blood flower and spill down my thigh to my ankle. The sting of pain was what I needed. It reminded me that I was here, that I was still alive. I ran my hand over the cut, feeling the distortion on the surface of my flesh. For a moment, I existed again.