April 25th 2012

It has been a long time since I have felt compelled to write. It has been ten months since Elena was taken from us. Today is the day that the twins would turn one and I find myself desperate for a way to expel these toxic thoughts that circle my head. I have tried to banish my darkness behind the red door where so many of my dark thoughts lurk but I cannot and so I hope that by writing, I may find some semblance of peace, even if it is short lived.

We have spent the past months in desperate search of what we have lost. Initially we all left the city to pursue her but within two months we had returned. Elena's absence has created a power vacuum and without our presence, the city threatens to fall into chaos. I would see the city burn once more if it meant I could hold Elena again. However, Niklaus is adamant that our children have a stable home when they are recovered and so he has insisted on staying. I have stayed with him as I feel that without my moderation, he may act in a manner that would only hamper our attempts to return Elena home. Freya has joined us, to allow us to pass on any information we gain and to draw on the magical knowledge of the city in order to find something that may be of use to us. The others have continued the search and are pursuing Lucien. We have made use of every resource we have at our disposal. The witches of the quarter are reluctant to aid us, given their hatred for our kind, but have agreed given Elena's status. However, there is very little they can do. He has cloaked Elena and the twins, though Freya persistently performs her location spell in the hopes that Lucien may neglect to do it one day. We have sent out a message through our network that we are in search of a human by the name of Elena Gilbert, however we have not stated why. If people knew of our relationship with her, it might place her in more harm. There have been a few reports from low level vampires, eager to gain favour with our family and all of them help to get us one step closer to finding her. With a person such as Lucien, it is impossible for him to completely disappear. We have been able to track him to an extent, unfortunately we are often too late. Whenever we manage to find him and reach his location, he has usually fled and there is no sign of where he has gone.

Many people might expect us to give up. At this point, were she any normal human, it would be natural to assume that Lucien would have ended her life. Yet I know that he would not have gone to this level of trouble to simply end her. Besides, Elena is intelligent and resilient enough to ensure her own survival. I believe that if she was dead, I would feel it.

If I am honest, my greatest fear is not that we will not find her or that Lucien will kill her. I fear the condition she will be in when we find her. She has been through so much for one so young. The mind can only take so much before it will be broken irreparably.

My siblings have felt the same desire that I have for comfort, brought on by the meaning of the day and have ended our separation for a brief period. They returned late last night and we have spent much of the day sitting in a gloomy silence, contemplating the past year.

It is good to see them again, although it is clear that they are suffering just as I am. I feared that Finn would return to his attempt to starve himself, as he did following Elena's supposed death but he threw himself into the search and, according to Kol, has barely taken a moment's rest since they departed the city. I believe that having a goal to strive towards is keeping him motivated and preventing the depression from taking hold of him. Rebekah appears very much her usual self and has expressed, several times, a very vocal desire to disembowel Lucien upon finding him but I can tell that there is much pain in her heart. She is far quieter than she used to be and, since returning home, has spent most of the time at a distance from us. I have attempted to reach out to her but she has shrugged off my concerns and I fear that if I continue to push her to open up, it will drive her further inside herself.

The greatest change appears to be in Kol. He has a maturity about him that even a thousand years of life failed to instil. I admire how responsible he has become but it saddens me to see the childlike mischievousness he always possessed robbed from him. Lucien did not only take Elena and our children, he also took much of ourselves with him.

I found myself in the nursery today. It was natural, I suppose, to be drawn there on this day of all days. No one has entered it since that night. The air felt cold like a tomb and I wondered to myself if those little girls were still alive. I am confident in Elena's survival and I know she will do what she can to protect them but I fear it will not be enough to protect our children. Sometimes I wonder whether, given the choice to return either the girls or Elena which I would choose. I like to believe that I would make the right choice, the choice that Elena, ever the self-sacrificing martyr, would want me to choose.

One of my greatest regrets is that I did not express my feelings to her sooner. I resisted for the sake of my family, particularly for Niklaus. I knew how possessive he was over her and, as always, I placed the salvation of him over my own desires. If I am honest with myself, I wanted her since the moment I saw her. I told myself that it was merely a physical attraction, due to her appearance. I felt love for Tatia. I felt love for Katerina once and on the surface Elena was identical, as beautiful as both of them. In the time since our first encounter, I know that my desire was only strengthened when I grew to know her. Even before Niklaus took her and forced her into our lives, I found myself thinking of her with… impure thoughts. When I saw Katerina again in the tomb, I felt my desire for her diminish against Elena. Katerina has become everything Elena is not. Perhaps she was always that way. Or maybe she once was that young innocent that I loved and we were the ones who made her into the twisted creature she now is. While I still possess fond memories of Tatia, she still cannot hold a candle to Elena.

Looking back, I know that it was these feelings that led me to agree to Niklaus' plan. I did not dare acknowledge my feelings or even dare to dream about what might… what could be. I wish I had not been such a coward. I wasted so much time. I should not have stooped to play Niklaus and Kol's games. If I had been honest, things might have been different.

I feel that we should dismantle the nursery. While I hold onto the hope that the girls will return, it only serves as an unpleasant reminder of what happened. A memorial to what we have lost that inspires only sadness.

But then, who am I to talk? I who have locked Elena's door and guarded the key as though I am protecting a piece of her. Unlike the nursery, which was left to grow stale, I feel no such reservations in entering her room. It is only the idea of other people doing it that I dislike. I would spend every moment in her room if I could but I try to limit myself. It still has a lingering scent of her, which grows fainter with every visit. I cling to it, a tiny part of her that is still here.

I will dismantle the nursery but at the present time I do not have the strength. Merely being in that room left me emotionally drained. To complete that task I will need to take some time to truly come to terms with what it means. And of course I will have to explain to Niklaus what I am doing. I doubt he will be amenable to the act. He has been even more temperamental than usual, although I have not been made to suffer as he spends much of his time in his studio, painting in a frenzy. He won't allow me to see what he has painted. He distracts himself with his art, much as I distract myself with fixing the city's problem, which seem so small in comparison to my own. Niklaus has emerged today to spend time with the others. When they are gone, we become two strangers in the same space, coexisting because we must. Freya is the only thing that connects us. She keeps us from disappearing inside ourselves and I am grateful for her presence.

Tomorrow Rebekah, Kol and Finn return to their search. I believe that they are uncomfortable in the house without Elena here. She became a fundamental part of it, as essential to our home and our family as the walls are to the house. Without her, things begin to crumble.

They are headed to Switzerland where Lucien's company have been involved in a number of projects. I hope that they will find her this time.

Elijah

A/N: I was in a good mood and people were asking to know what the Mikaelsons have been up to during Elena's imprisonment. But you didn't specify what part during the five years you wanted to see so you got this. I don't really want to do too many of these because they kind of distract from the feel I'm going for with this story. If you liked Elijah's journal and want more, I have been considering doing a side story that covers the full series in journal form (including the period of time when Elena was meant to be dead). Let me know.

I'm still working on my essay (did 900 words today!) so I can't guarantee updates for a while. I'll try but no promises.