Chapter 15
December 21st 1999
Nell had been in Washington for less than three days, and she was already feeling overwhelmed.
First, the apartment Lt-Colonel Petit was leaving needed some furniture, and since she had been living on base, in full furnished apartments, all her career, she had to buy at least a bed, a sofa and a bookcase. That meant a trip to the furniture store. Without a car.
Then, a visit to her new office had revealed that none of her new collegues were aware she was coming. And her training course hadn't been planned. She was starting in a few weeks, and she had no idea what her job would entitle. Luckily her green card and immigration papers were in order.
And finally, Harm had invited her to dinner that night, and then to the JAG Christmas party the following day.
Not to mention going back France to spend the holidays with her family then going back to Washington soon after that.
Her pregnancy was going well, thankfully, but she had been getting increasingly tired this past week, as well as jet-lagged, and when she was tired, she was cranky.
She had high hopes for this dinner with Harm to be simple, and without drama.
Harm on the other hand, had been getting increasingly nervous about introducing Nell to his coworkers and friends. How do you introduce the mother of your unborn child ? My companion ? My friend ? And should he mention the baby ?
He also had made a decision, and he was hoping Nell would be on board with it. But he was very anxious about it.
So when he opened the door, none of them were not feeling their best.
« Hey ! »
« Hey Nell. How are you ? »
« Tired mostly. It's been a rough couple of days. » She then proceeded to tell him about all the worries she'd had lately. Harm set them up with a nice dinner and her mood lifted.
« Nell... I've been thinking... Did I tell you about my dad ? »
« Yes, some. He went MIA during the Vietnam war, right ? »
« Yes. He was a Naval Aviator and he disappeared on Christmas eve 1969. I was six years old. »
« I'm sorry. It must have been hard growing up without your father. »
« Very. I... I realized that if anything happens to me, you will find yourself all alone. You won't qualify for death benefits, or inherit what I own. That's why I thought... »
Harm took a little box out of his pocket and opened it to reveal a ring.
« I thought we should get married. It would be a security for you and our baby. »
Nell put down her fork and shook her head.
« Harm ! No woman wants to hear she should marry for security. If you want to convince me to tie the knot, you'll have to find something else ! »
Harm opened his mouth, closed it, looked at the ring and back at Nell.
« Nell... »
She waited patiently while he was trying to think of something.
« I want to be there for you and the baby. »
« You can be there even if we're not married. Try again. »
Harm hesitated. « Well, it's a good reason, isn't it ? »
« I'm sure it is, but it's not the right reason. Come on, let's eat, maybe youll come up with the right reason with your stomach full. »
After a few minutes, Nell asked again. « So ? Any other way to make me say yes ? »
Harm stayed silent for another minute. « Would you make a family with me ? »
Nell's eyes filled. « See, that wasn't so hard. »
« So, you're saying... yes ? »
« Yes. I'll make a family with you. »
Harm smiled and put the ring on Nell's finger. It was a square cut diamond set between by two triangle cut sapphires.
« Oh, Harm, it's beautiful ! Navy and Air Force. »
« You like it ? »
«A lot. And now I know what nickname our baby is going to have. »
« A nickname ? »
« We can't just call him 'the baby'. So, what do you think of 'Baby Blue' ? »
Harm put his hand on Nell's womb. « Yeah, sounds good. Hello Baby Blue ! »
She had a cry of surprise and put her hand over Harm's.
« What ? »
« He moved ! I felt the baby move ! »
« Oh. I didn't. »
« I'm sorry. He's so tiny. I promise you'll feel him too. »
« You're past three months, right ? »
« Yes, I'm in my fifteenth week. Beginning of the fourth month. »
« I had an idea for a boy's name. What do you think about calling him Harmon ? »
« Like you. »
« And like my father. I'm Harmon Junior. He would be Harmon the third. »
« Well, that's a big name for a little boy. Counter-offer, counselor : Harmon as a middle name, with another first name. Deal ? »
« That would be an acceptable offer. Did you have something in mind ? »
« Well, I like Elliot. And Bosco too. And Falco. And for a girl ? Do you have an idea ? »
« I like Gabrielle. »
« Gabrielle... I hadn't thought about it. Gaby... I like it. Gabrielle Alice. My grandmother's name is Alice. What do you think ? »
« Gabrielle Alice. It's on the list. And I like Elliot. Elliot Harmon, yeah. »
« Well, it's a good start. »
« Tomorrow, at the party, do you want to tell everyone about Baby Blue ? »
« If you don't mind, I'd rather not. You're going to tell them about our engagement, maybe... keep it one news at a time ? I'm not showing yet, so we can tell them when I come back after the holidays, what do you think ? »
« If that's what you want, okay. »
« Thanks. I had to tell my squadron way too early for my taste, plus it will give your colleagues a second occasion to rejoice with us. »
« All right. »
« I appreciate it. We can do a baby party in the spring if you want. »
« I don't know about that... »
Harm linked his fingers with Nell's over her belly. « We're going to make a good family. »
Chapter 16
December 22nd 1999
JAG HQ
Nell was quite anxious when she entered the bullpen. It was bustling with people coming right and left. A blond lieutenant came to her with a smile.
« Hello, ma'am. Can I help you ? »
« Hello. I'm looking for Lieutenant Commander Rabb. »
« His office is right here, if he's not in, he should be shortly. »
« Thank you, lieutenant. »
When she entered Harm's office, she smiled. He had displayed his flight helmet and souvenirs in a way nobody could miss. She took a look at the pictures on the wall, recognised some faces.
« Nell ! »
« Hey Harm. It's nice to see them. Do you still miss it ? »
« Less than I did before. Leaving the squadron was my choice this time. Do you ? »
« Yes. But I made that choice too, and for the best of reasons. »
« You still want to keep it quiet ? »
« If you don't mind, yes. We'll tell them when I come back. »
« All right. Let's go. »
Nell took a deep breath before entering the conference room.
« Nervous ? »
« A bit, yes. »
« Don't worry, they don't bite. Except maybe the Admiral. »
They smiled and he opened the door. A few people were already inside, helping themselves of champagne and appetizers. He took Nell towards a tall, balding man that was obviously his boss.
« Admiral, I'd like you to meet Lieutenant-Colonel Hélène Marchand, of the French Air Force. »
« Colonel, nice to meet you. »
« You too, Sir. »
« Nell was a fighter pilot and we flew together for the last time last summer. »
« I didn't know they had female pilots in the French Air Force. »
« I'm the first one, Sir. »
« And a good one. » Harm added.
« Thanks ! »
« Are you better than him, Colonel ? »
Nell looked taken aback. « I'd say as good as him, Sir. »
« Then you did a good job, Colonel. »
« Thank you, Sir. And it's Nell. »
« Would you like some champagne ? »
« No, thank you. I'll get some sparkling water. »
She approached the table when a Marine Lieutenant Colonel was helping herself to some water as well.
« Non alcooholic beverage ? »
« Yes, please. »
« Here. I'm Mac. »
« Thanks. And I'm Nell. »
« You came in with Harm ? »
At that moment, Harm stepped close. « I see you've met. »
« Yes. Nell was about to tell me how she met you. »
Nell had a mischievous smile. « I shot him down. »
« You what ? »
« It was a simulated kill in a NATO exercise. » Harm was pouting a bit.
« I was a fighter pilot, and we were in opposite teams. He shot my wingman, so I retaliated. »
« And you shot him down. » Mac rang her glass against Nell's. « Good job ! »
« Thanks ! »
« I knew it was a mistake letting you two meet... »
Nell smiled. « Some things you can't avoid, Harm. »
The admiral raised his voice. « Everyone, please. Here is to another year almost gone, with people out and in. » He turned to Harm, who smiled sheppishly. « Again. Thanks to all of you for your hard work, and dedication. I expect no less from you next year. Merry Christmas. »
« Hear Hear ! » He raised his glass and everybody did the same.
Harm took Nell's hand and stepped forward. « I also have an announcement. Nell and I just got engaged. »
There were a lot of surprised looks, and Bud raised his glass. « Congratulations, Sir. All our best wishes. »
As just before, everyone raised their glasses. « Hear Hear ! »
Harriet jumped in front of them. « Oh, I'm so happy, Sir, Ma'am. »
« Thanks Harriet. Nell, Lieutenant Harriet Simms. »
« Can I... » Nell raised her left hand and Harriet beamed. « Oh, it's beautiful ! »
« Thanks. »
Other people started to gather around them. Nell glanced up at Harm and saw that he was watching someone. She followed his gaze and saw Mac, looking distraught. She looked back at Harm, saw the same troubled look on his face.
She kept smiling, and answering questions and congratulations, but her heart wasn't in it anymore.
When people started to back away, she excused herself and went to the bathroom. She locked herself in a stall and sat down. Harm had told her about Mac, his colleague and friend. She knew she had been here for him, and him for her in countless situations. They had saved each other's lives. But this look... Were they in love with each other ? Was she putting herself between them ?
Nell breathed slowly to regain her composure. She exited her stall, spashed water on her face and dried it with the tears that hadn't fallen.
She went back to the conference room and mingled again through JAG personnel. Harriet came up to her.
« So, have you set a date yet ? »
« No. He proposed yesterday, so we haven't thought about it yet. »
« When you have, Ma'am, I can help you with the planning. I got married just a year and a half ago, so a lot of details are still fresh in my memory. And in my wedding planning book. »
« Thanks, Harriet. I'll keep that in mind. And it's Nell. »
She found herslef near Mac a little while later.
« Congratulations, Nell. » Mac's smile was forced and didn't reach her eyes.
« Thank you, Mac. » Nell watched at Mac attentively, trying to discern something on the woman's face and behaviour. They parted without another word.
Later that evening, Nell and Harm went back to his apartment for a last dinner. Harm went to the phone to order some Thai delivery. Nell sat at the bar and looked at her ring.
« Harm... can I ask you a personnal question ? »
« Of course. What is it ? »
« What's between you and Mac ? »
« We're friends and colleagues. »
« Has there ever been... more ? »
Harm looked confused. « No. Why do you ask ? »
« If I exchanged looks with a friend the way you and Mac did, I would redefine our friendship... »
« Nell... »
« I'm not accusing you of anything, Harm. But from what I saw, there are still speculations and possibilities between you two. I'm sorry, Harm but you will have to make a choice. At the moment, you're facing two open doors. And you have to close one in order to get through the other. One leads to Mac, and all the possibilities you never explored, the other leads to me. »
Nell took the ring out and set in on the counter in front of Harm who looked stunned
« Whatever path you choose, you will always have a place in our baby's life, I promise you that. But you can't marry me just because I'm pregnant, and I can't wonder about you and Mac. Whoever you chose, you have to give yourself entirely. I'm really sorry that you have to make that choice. »
Nell got up, looking sad and tired.
« I can't back out now, so I'll still move to Washington next week. I'm going home tomorrow, to spend Christmas with my family. You can reach me when I come back »
She opened the door.
« Bye, Harm. »
Chapter 17
December 22nd 1999
Harm's apartment
Harm felt like he had been hit by a hammer. He looked at the ring, glistening under the light. When he had taken the decision to propose to Nell, he had thought it would be good for the baby, yes, but he also thought he wouldn't mind being married to her. She knew him by heart, and understood him better than anyone. They had known each other for almost ten years, and spent some good times together.
But Mac did understand him too. She had been here almost every day for the past three years, she had done things no one else had. She had followed him to Russia when he searched for his father. And he'd been here for her too, like when she had started drinking again.
At first, her ressemblance to Diane had been difficult to live with, he was expecting her at every turn and getting only hurt by their differences. But after a while, he started to like Mac for herself, not because she reminded him of Diane.
He felt so lost...
Nell has talked about possibilities. He never had a chance to explore the possibilities with Diane, he had never taken the chance to explore them with Mac. And he had taken a chance with Nell, but she had turned him down. Well not exactly, she had said he had a choice to make. And that scared him more than anything.
December 24th 1999, Christmas Eve
Vietnam Memorial Wall
Like almost every year, Harm was standing in front of his father's name inscribed in gold on black marble. He was wearing his uniform, to honor him.
But this night, Harm wasn't thinking about his dad. He was thinking about Nell and their baby, and Mac. Two days after their last conversation, he was still lost. He wanted to talk to his dad, but what he wanted more was having his dad answer.
He lit a candle, stayed a minute or two, and left. He went back to his apartment, changed, packed a small bag and headed to the airport. He didn't have a dad, but he had a step-dad. And even if they hadn't been close when he was younger, they had a good relationship now.
December 24th 1999
LaJolla, California
Harm arrived at his parents' house late in the evening, but they were still up. He was happy to see his mom, but he couldn't wait to talk to Frank.
He was up early the next morning, more out of habit than because there were gifts to open. He made some coffee and drank it while mulling over the whole situation.
Like he expected, Frank entered the kitchen alone. They shook hands.
« Merry Christmas, Harm ! »
« Merry Christmas to you too, Frank. Coffee ? »
« Thanks. You're up early. »
« Yeah... I couldn't sleep. Frank... »
« Yes ? »
« Can I ask for your advice ? »
« I'm touched you want it. I'm all ears. »
« You remember my friend Nell ? »
« The French pilot ? Didn't you visit some city in Bosnia, or something last summer ? »
« Dubrovnik in Croatia, yes. What I never told you or mom is that... we've always been more than friends. »
« That happens. »
« She's pregnant. »
« Oh... Is it yours ? »
« Yeah. Nell wouldn't lie about that. Anyway, I asked her to marry me. At first, she said yes. But then she met Mac, and she gave me the ring back. »
« Why would she do that ? »
« She said I had to choose between Mac and her. But there's nothing between me and Mac. »
« Are you sure ? »
« I... »
« When you picture Mac in your mind, what is your first thought ? »
Harm took a second to think.
« … challenge. She always keeps me on my toes, pushes at me. And when we're on opposites sides in the courtroom, she doesn't give an inch. I have to bring my A-game everytime. »
« And when you think of Nell ? »
Again, Harm stayed silent for a minute.
« … peace. She's the most self-assured person I know. She has absolute trust in who she is, and she doesn't need to prove anything to anyone. And that makes being with her very peaceful. There's a... simplicity about her. Balance. »
« And if you picture yourself in ten years, what do you see ? Challenge or peace ? That's the real question. More than physical attraction, the important thing in a relationship is knowing the other person and knowing what this person will bring you. And Nell being pregnant doesn't matter. »
Harm sipped his coffee in silence. He let Frank's word sink in. What did he want in life ? He was about to speak again when he heard his mom coming in the kitchen.
« Please don't tell her anything. She'd worry like crazy. »
« I'll keep everything to myself. »
« Thanks. I appreciate it. »
« Hello Harm ! Merry Christmas ! »
« Hello, mom. Merry Christmas to you too. »
He gave her a small package.
« Oh, thank you Harm ! Oh, it's lovely ! »
Patricia fastened the bracelet he had given her around her wrist and hugged him.
« If you don't mind, I'm going to go for a run, I need to clear my head. »
He went back to his room to change. Trish turned to Frank.
« What's going on with him ? »
« Girl trouble. I expect he will tell you soon. »
Harm chose the beach to run. He needed the mindless rhythm of the run, and he was pretty sure he wouldn't meet a lot of people on the beach this early. He started with an easy pace, enjoying the fresh air and the sea breeze. After a few minutes, Harm began to feel his muscles loosen and he picked up the pace. He was starting to really enjoy his run when it hit him : he had been half in love with both Mac and Nell for quite some time.
Mac was his partner in court and in life, she was his match in a lot of ways. They had been together to hell and back, and the kiss they had shared was still burning in his mind. She had become an essential part of his life, and he had no idea if he could do without her.
And Nell had charmed him from the start, in bed and in the air. She had been his confident for years, they had trusted each other completely. With her, he felt no pressure, no expectations, he could just be himself and it was like putting down a burden. And he enjoyed a lot making love to her.
Both women were so important to him. How could he choose ? He decided to follow Frank's advice and picture his life in ten years. He kept running on the beach, putting one foot in front of the other paying no more attention to his surroundings.
With Nell first. So they were parents, a boy, and maybe a second child, a girl this time. He would have been promoted to Captain, would he still be at JAG ? Probably. Still in Washington ? He may be given a job elsewhere, running a JAG office in some other part of the world. She would have followed him, that meant getting another job, again. Would she agree to that ? And what could she do ? Working in a control tower, like she did now ? Or getting a commercial licence ? That would be like spending all your life driving a race car and switching to a school bus.
And would they still be together ? That he could picture. A Christmas morning, a log in the fireplace and a tree, two kids opening presents, and both him and Nell sitting on the sofa, his arm around her shoulders. He could picture her smile, her weight against him. She was a cuddler, and he figured that wouldn't change.
It would be peaceful. A quiet life. Was that what he wanted ? Would courtroom action be enough for him ?
And what kind of life would he have with Mac ? Once they started dating, they couldn't work together anymore, so one of them would have to switch careers. But which one ? They both loved their jobs. With his eyes fixed, he could shift to sea duty, maybe captain a ship. Mac could stay at JAG. But would she care for the life of a Navy wife, with him being at sea six months out of a year ? Or would he go into the private sector ? Would he like it ?
And if he stayed at JAG, what could she do ? What job could the Corps offer a lawyer outside of JAG ? Or would she go back to the private sector, like she had before ? Could she change her designator and go to a combat unit ? And what about kids ? They had this informal deal about making a baby, but the timing had to be right for her career. He was sure of one thing, Mac wouldn't care for a quiet life. She liked action, challenge. Like he had told Frank, she would always push at him, confront him. Talking with her was always stimulating. But if they didn't work together anymore, there wouldn't be as much challenge and action.
The idea of finally making love to her was enticing, though. He'd wanted to see what was underneath her stiff Marine uniform for quite some time.
He tried to picture their life in ten years. But without a clear idea of their professional paths, it was harder to imagine. However he could see a dinner together, talking about their jobs, the current cases, asking for each other's advice, talking on the phone while he was on his ship.
After running for almost an hour, he was nowhere closer to figuring out his future. He stopped for a minute, out of breath, drank at a fountain and started his run back. This time, he tried to picture his life without them. Again, Nell first.
If he married Mac, Nell had assured him he would be part of their baby's life. He assumed the first years she would have exclusive custody, that was normal. He could visit often. But what if he was assigned elsewhere ? Or if she moved back to France ? They would keep in touch, but at what cost ? And what would be Mac's attitude towards that child ? Would she keep wondering about Nell and him ? Would she ever doubt him ?
And if he married Nell, what place would Mac have in his life ? If they both stayed at JAG, not much would change. He expected they would feel weird about each other for a while, then they would find a new rhythm, a new way to be around each other. There would still be occasional court disputes, and investigations around the world. Would the Admiral still send them together ? Brumby was crazy about her, would he convince her to give him a chance ? And what if they moved to Australia ? She would be on the other side of the world, would they keep in touch ?
Harm tripped and fell in the sand, winded. He started to get up, and decided to remain seated for a moment. He hadn't taken any time to watch the sea, and it was something he had always enjoyed. First, when his dad had been deployed at sea, then when Frank had taken them to the Bahamas after he had married his mom, and again when he was on carrier duty.
He watched the waves and thought that Nell had been right. He had to close a door and walk through the other. A coward would have deserted them both, but he wasn't one. He knew he was going to deeply hurt one of the woman he cared most about in the world, and he couldn't avoid it. The idea made him sad and weary. And how to tell her ? And with that thought, he knew his heart had settled down. He knew where his future lied. He came back to his mother's house at a lighter pace, and wrote a letter.