Sphallolalia: def. flirtatious talk that leads nowhere

Chapter 7: My Hair Doesn't Like Drama.

Today had started relatively uneventful. I did my morning workout, did some meditation to focus my memory for the next couple weeks, watered the garden, etc. really just a relatively calm morning. I also got a great laugh in while chilling out on the bleachers when Vicki told Jeremy just how much she liked him by saying that she just wanted to be friends. So, imagine my surprise when I'm yanked into the janitor's closet by a random arm.

The moment the door closes, I spin the assailant into an arm bar where I could easily dislocate their shoulder and shove the big motherfucker up against the wall. It's way too fucking dark in here. I have no idea who the hell this is under the cover of darkness. Katherine? Anna? Mason? Which one of you fuckers is about to get some?

"Ouch! Lessia, let go!!" I hear a deep, familiar voice whisper yell in pain. I immediately let go of him and reach for the light switch, flicking it on and glaring at him before repeatedly smacking his chest.

"Seriously, Ty?! I'm gonna beat the shit outta you! What's up with the cloak and daggers??" I could've seriously hurt him if he hadn't said anything!

He rubs his right shoulder in tight hard circles, looking back at me sheepishly, "Sorry, Lessia. I just really needed to talk to somebody."

I roll my eyes, because this idiot didn't know he had just started up the powerful gossip mill that was Mystic Falls High. Everyone and their sister was gonna know I was in the janitorial closet with Tyler for an indiscriminate amount of time, and I felt it in my bones that I was gonna have to stay far away from Vicki Donovan if I didn't want to participate in a druggie rumble.

"Goddammit, Tyler. Vicki is literally gonna try to shank me when she hears about this," I say with a huff. I wouldn't lose a fight with her, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did a surprise attack and stabbed me in the spine. Or tried to rip my head off.

Oh shit. I need to also be wayyyy away from her when she gets all 'bloodsucker'.

*

And so, we sat and discussed all about Vicki, Jeremy, and his parents. He got a little frustrated at certain parts, but I helped him through it with some of the relaxing breathing exercises that I found in several different anger management books. And so, as I started to wait the three hours before cheer practice, since I had gotten a free last period this year, I had a lot on my mind. After all, I still needed to decide whether or not I wanted to actually see Mr. Tanner die.

I really didn't care much about him, but how little did I care was the question. I could actually make his death painless if I was there, a quick wave of my hand and it would be like going to sleep.

I think I owe him that much since I'm letting him die, after all.

Suddenly, I feel a buzz in my pocket. I furrow my brows at the message.

From: Eternal Stud

Msg: Where are u right now? I need help with something

Closing my eyes in annoyance, I wonder when the hell that handsome devil got a hold of my phone, before messaging back:

Msg: Damon? How?

I didn't have to wait long for a response, as my phone started ringing with 'Eternal Stud' flashing on the screen. I pull it up to my ear with a sigh.

"Hello, Damon," I say, checking out my 'desperately in need of a manicure' nails, "How can I be of service?"

"I know you said you don't want to be involved in me and Stefan's 'big dick' contest, but I might have something of interest to you if you do me a favor."

That's a gorgeous voice, I wonder if he just woke up.

I hum, mockingly thinking about it, "I dunno, Eternal Stud, you'd have to have something pretty nice for me to say yes."

He chuckles at the name, "I totally forgot about that, but I have a pretty little necklace you might be interested in."

I pretend to not know what he's talking about, but getting that talisman was important so, he'd pretty much already won me over.

"Jewelry, Damon?" I ask teasingly, "You trying to court me or something?"

"Actually, yes, but only for pretend. Since you ex-nayed the pretty blonde I was going to use to get into Elena's circle, and I don't particularly like the idea of pretending to date a drug addict, I need a new 'blood bag' so I've chosen you!"

I squint in confusion before laughing, "Damon, you're cute and all, but you're not going anywhere near my neck."

He clicks his tongue before whistling lowly, "Shame, pretty Bennett, but fine. But, you can act like I have been to freak out Stefan. You know, wear scarves, act like you are being emotionally manipulated by me since I can't compel you, etc."

I think hard on it for a few moments. I did want to get a hand on that talisman before Bonnie even saw it. I held no illusions that Emily wouldn't try to get the talisman destroyed, and there was no way in hell I was gonna let that happen if I could avoid it. Bonnie would probably be pissed once she realizes I'm lying, but I'd cross that bridge once I got to it. Not to mention, I would never turn down fucking around with Elena's head.

"Alright, Salvatore, you got a deal. How do you wanna do this?"

I can hear the wicked grin in his voice as he replies, "Well, you could tell me where you are so I can drop you off at cheer practice. I can't wait to see her face."

"Fine, I'm at the school library, but just meet me in the parking lot. You can buy lunch since you're the rich one."

*

And that's how I found myself sipping milkshakes with the bad boy eldest Salvatore.

"You didn't strike me as a 'cotton candy' guy," I say nonchalantly, sipping at my cookies n' cream counterpart. He throws a mock glare my way as he reaches into his pocket, dangling the talisman in front of me.

"Whatever, here's your payment."

I smile warmly at him as I take it, and I feel Emily's ancient power running through it. Immediately, I stuff it in my bag, which causes Damon to look at me in question.

"Not gonna put it on?"

I shake my head, peering into his gorgeous ice blue eyes. "If you ever take my advice for anything, let it be this. Witches are crafty by nature, pun intended, so don't touch anything they give you for too long unless you seriously trust them. That's how idiots get cursed or possessed."

His dark brows furrow as he narrows his piercing gaze on me, "And you don't trust Emily?"

"I don't know Emily. I know who her friends were though, and that's good enough for me to be suspicious."

The elder Salvatore shrugs his shoulders at that, seemingly agreeing. Then his wicked grin comes back onto his pretty face.

"Aren't you scared that Steffy won't forgive you for making him worry?"

I get a little intrigued at that. That's the second time he's implied that Stefan and I were close, when Stefan hasn't even been here a week. Not to mention, there were a couple of other odd things I had noticed. That Stefan said I looked familiar, that remark Damon made when we first met, very odd things to say...

Nope. Nope, refuse to even think that into existence.

Instead, I glare at him, "Me and Stefan are nowhere near as close as you think we are. I just met the dude this week. I dunno how Elena worked her emotions up to where they act like soulmates, but me and Stefan aren't even friends."

He stares me down hard, and I'm starting to think this is his Damon brand of a lie detector. Even though I know what it is, it makes something in my stomach flutter and I hate it. Stupid gorgeous vampires are going to ruin me for anyone else.

Oh god, is this the start of my absentee daddy issues?!

Damon interrupts my spiraling train of thought with a chuckle, "Fine, but we need to get going if you're gonna be on time to cheer your little heart out."

He slaps a twenty on the table before yanking me up by the hand as I try to speed finish my milkshake. I try to pull away as he drags me out but his goddamn vampire strength has a perpetually strong grip and I know he's barely trying.

"Wait!! Damon! They can put it in a to-go cup!!"

He clearly does not care.

*

As upset as I am that I wasn't able to bring the milkshake, I have to admit that Damon's convertible is hot. I'm entertaining myself by doing that water wave hand thing that people do out car windows, when I'm suddenly slapped with a light scarf to the face. I yank it off and glare at Damon's handsome side profile, noting the very self satisfied grin on his face.

"When the hell did you get this scarf?" I ask irritably as I tie the dumb thing around my neck thick enough to look like a bite mark could be under it.

"Had a hunch you'd agree to my deal."

I roll my eyes. No, he didn't, the liar. Then, I remember that Caroline would literally kill me if I showed up in my regular clothes to practice, especially since I was running a few minutes late. Thankfully, I had spanx and a tank top on under what I was wearing already. A little more risqué than what I'm used to, but c'est la vie.

"Damon, can I trust you not to crash the car no matter what distractions may come?" I ask urgently, knowing I got like 5 minutes tops before he pulls up to the football field.

"...Yeah. Why?"

I don't answer, I just start stripping off my blouse and he suddenly swerves hard to the left, nearly hitting another car.

"What the hell, Damon?!!?"

"Sorry, not sorry, I wasn't prepared for an impromptu strip show!" He yells back before pausing thoughtfully, "Not that I mind though." He glances flirtatiously at my exposed collarbone.

"Not that kinda show, D," I say as I wrestle the rest of my unnecessary clothes off before grabbing my backpack to get my sneakers, "I don't want Caroline to mount my head on a pike. She'll be forgiving that I'm late because you're hot, but she won't be so kind if I show up completely unprepared for practice."

He smirks when I call him hot, and I see him sneaking peeks at my now very exposed thighs. The way he looks them up and down sends chills up my spine and makes my heart beat a little faster. But, thankfully, as I shove my things in my bag, we're pulled up into the parking lot.

I grab my bag, about to get out as I see the entire cheer team eyeing me with shock. I can't believe it either, ladies. As I reach for the door handle, I hear Damon whisper, "Showtime, Ally Cat."

A strong hand grips my wrist, yanking me back to him, and I turn to glare at him thinking he's just being a dick, when suddenly I feel something warm and soft touch my lips.

HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT-!!

My heart is pumping a million miles an hour as his lips move against mine, and I feel his hand reach into my hair to pull me closer, before suddenly releasing me.

I'm shocked, I'm not breathing, my life is a lie, I feel tingles on my lips still, and I do the only thing I can think of.

I dart the fuck out of the car, trying to keep my blush down as I walk over to the girls. HOT DAMN, THAT WAS GREAT. I can feel Damon's cocky eyes on my ass as I walk over, and I shoot a minor migraine spell his way, smirking when I hear a grunt.

Caroline, Bonnie, and Elena are completely flabbergasted with their mouths hanging open. I smile sheepishly, "Sorry I was late, guys. Big date."

I take it as a good sign that Bonnie isn't immediately angry with me. I'm going to guess that it's either because she trusts my judgment, or she thinks I'm up to something. Kinda hope it's both. However, Care Bear is in full steam Captain mode as she walks up to me, giving me a quick hug.

"Aless, everyone gets two free passes for being less than fifteen minutes late. Do not use your second one anytime soon," she mutters in a sickly sweet voice into my ear, and I know I'm gonna have hell to play later.

But, I get the most joy from Elena's face. The mixture of disbelief and suspicion is priceless and I would happily pay the embarrassing price of admission again. Caroline turns back to the rest of the squad, and I can see a good chunk of them looking at me in envy.

This wasn't that bad of a deal at all.

"Alright ladies!" Caroline calls out, "Now that Co-Captain is here, let's start with the double pike herkey hurdler!"

They all start doing the regular practice cheer exercises as me and Care monitor, and I'm not surprised when Elena starts losing track of the different positions. She hadn't been to practice at the end of school, and she definitely hadn't shown up for cheer camp. Not that I blamed her, but it was definitely starting to show, as she looked like a freshman rookie who had just learned the routine last night. Caroline kept up her lovely perky smile, but I could tell she was getting frustrated, so I decide to be the bad guy this time.

"Hey, Elena! Take an observation day," I call out, and she glares at me before proceeding to the back. I wasn't saying that to be a bitch, she clearly doesn't know the routine. And besides, she's clearly happy with the change of location once the god that is Stefan Salvatore heads onto the football field with the rest of the boys.

I take a slight sneak peak over at him as I'm moving around to correct the girls' forms, and damn that boy's ass looks fantastic in football pants. No wonder Elena is so distracted.

I see her wander off, and do nothing to stop it, because I personally don't care since she's gonna quit at some point this week.

Not gonna pay attention to someone who clearly doesn't want to be here.

*

Oddly enough, Bonnie doesn't say anything about Damon. Caroline was bombarding me with questions the moment practice let out and we got to the locker rooms, but all Bonnie said was, "I hope you know what you're doing."

Her faith in me is heartwarming, really. After the subject of obvious interest had been worn out, however, Bonnie started talking about how Elena had invited her and Caroline to dinner to get to know Stefan better.

"Which is weird," Caroline says as she switches from her sports bra to her regular one, "Because she never said anything about them dating."

Bonnie laughs, "Oh, they're dating, but she's panicking because they haven't even kissed yet. Stefan is apparently taking this very slow."

Wait, what?

In my memories, they were kissing like on the second day!! What the hell was the hold up for this renegade Romeo and Juliet? Maybe it's because Bonnie put the fear of God into him, I think, trying to reassure myself that it had nothing to do directly with my interference.

"Well, you guys have fun with that. I'm gonna get a well deserved nap in," I say as I change into my spare sweats, desperate to be in somethingcomfortable. But, before we all exit the locker room, Care Bear grabs my hand gently.

"You're being safe, right, Aless? I know you're a bad ass witch and all, but I don't wanna see you hurt," she says softly, her warm cornflower blue eyes warm and compassionate.

I turn and give a firm nod to both of them, "Don't worry, I have everything under control."

And as Bonnie lets out a sigh that sounds like it's been pent up for hours, I realize that me saying that I had it all covered was exactly what she needed to hear.

*

So, I'm sitting on my couch, trying to catch up on the latest season of America's Next Top Model, and waiting for Damon to ask me to pop over to Elena's to fuck with Stefan. Did I really want to move from my spot on the couch? No. Was I more than happy to ruin Elena's dinner party? Definitely.

I felt the repeated buzz in my pocket and immediately pulled my phone to my ear, "Hello?"

"Hey, witchy, we gotta job to do," Damon says, and I think I hear the rumble of his car and the radio in the background.

"What for?" I ask, trying to sound confused.

"We're party crashing. Elena apparently has a little dinner going on at her house and you are gonna be my ticket in."

I sighed as I sat up on the couch, grateful that my Grams went to that weird Bingo Night thing across town for the evening.

"You know that Elena is about as fond of me as I am of her, right?"

"Yeah, but Stefan isn't telling her anything, so she'll want to get to know me better out of curiosity," he replies snarkily, and I roll my eyes at his perpetually patronizing tone.

"Whatever, I'll get dressed," I say, hopping up and walking up the stairs to my bedroom. I hear the car stall on the other end of the line, and jump when I see said Eternal Stud outside on my windowsill.

"Jesus Christ, Damon!" I rush over to open the window for him as I hang up the phone. He smirks at me wolfishly before playfully poking the force keeping him outside.

"Mind letting me in?"

I shrug before walking over to my closet, looking for a cute dress to wear as I quip back, "I actually do. Dunno how I feel about having a volatile vampire in my home."

He rolls his big beautiful blue eyes, smacking his head back as he leans back on the windowsill, "Fine. But show me what you're wearing at least. I'm not showing up with you on my arm looking all frumpy."

"I never, ever look frumpy, D. Comfy cute, yes? Frumpy and ugly? Don't insult me," I say as I toss out a cream soft turtleneck bodycon dress that reaches about mid thigh. Much better than that hideous ass scarf, anyway. I tossed a magazine that was sitting on my dresser at Damon as I take the dress and pantyhose and start to head toward the bathroom.

"Entertain yourself, I'll be out in like fifteen minutes."

Give or take.

*

Okay, so it had taken thirty minutes, but, it wasn't my fault! One of my gold hoops had gone MIA, and my normally very poofy curls were having a down day. After a lot of teasing, I got it into the high ponytail I wanted, and I stuck with simple makeup since I was on a time crunch. A bit of gold eyeshadow on my eyes and cheekbones, blush, mascara, and lipgloss and I was bounding out of my bathroom at breakneck pace.

Damon glances up, clearly annoyed that we were late, but his gaze softened slightly as he looked me up and down. Don't blush, cheeks, or I swear to God I'll fill you with Botox. "You look decent, so I'll overlook how late you are for our date."

Cue an eye roll from me as I grab my knee length brown leather boots and slide them on, "You're lucky we have some pasta salad in the fridge, it'd be super rude to show up empty handed."

*

Damon is the one who knocks on the door, and I put on a fake smile, clenching the pasta dish in my hands tightly. Elena opens the door, and immediately an annoyed look comes across her doe eyes before she notices Damon and the look turns more into surprised curiosity.

"Surprise!" I say, mimicking the compelled Care from my memories, "Bonnie and Caroline mentioned this dinner, so we brought pasta salad as a peace offering."

She looks like she's going to politely decline for a moment, before Damon puts on a charming smile, "Hope you don't mind."

I move to hand Elena the pasta dish to seal the deal, when Stefan walks into the room. Those green eyes pierce me hard, and for a moment I feel a bit bad about the pain I see in them. And I see exactly when that sadness turns to blame as he looks at his older brother.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, his tone controlled the same way it was back at the boardinghouse.

Damon grins mischievously back at him, and I'm taken aback at how weird it is to see this dynamic in full force. Like my memories were definitely one thing, but the tension was much more palpable in person.

Ah, Damon the Dick is amusing.

"Waiting for Elena to invite me in," Damon replies in a tone promising trouble.

"Oh yeah," Elena says as she finally takes the pasta, "You can just-"

"No," Stefan interrupts, clearly trying to tell Elena with his eyes not to let his brother in, "He can't, um, he can't stay. Can you, Damon?" A final plead.

"That's a little rude, Stefan," I add.

He glares at me, but it turns softer as he looks at my turtleneck, almost pitying me. Dumbass.

"We're just.. finishing up," he tries again, beautiful green eyes pleading with Elena to not be blind for once in her short life. However it's a plead in vain, because Elena's only ever been completely insipid when it comes to taking hints. Like when Caroline hinted that she liked Matt and Elena went on to date him the next week. Although, that might be just because she's a bitch.

"It's fine," she says with a warm smile, "Just come on in."

And with that, it's Damon: 2 and Stefan: 0. Damon adorably grins at his feet before stepping inside, Stefan looking more stiff than I've ever seen him and giving a weak glare to Elena who just looks confused. I start stepping towards the dining room where I see a blonde and brunette peaking around the corner, when I hear Damon's falsely polite tone say, "You have a beautiful home, Elena."

I hear her say thanks, happily, and I can't help the small smile that grows on my face.

She's smiling after unknowingly letting the Devil into her home, how very like Elena.

*

A/n: Hey guys! Thanks for all the reviews and favorites! It's been super fun seeing where you all think the story is going and who Alessia and Bonnie are going to end up with. I can't wait to see either! Love y'all, and thanks again!