Warning: This chapter contains graphic depictions of domestic violence.
my hell comes from inside myself
Beth awoke Thursday morning, clutching her pocket watch beneath the pillow but also feeling surprisingly well. She had expected a headache or another bout of nausea, but she didn't have any haunting dreams and besides being a little extra thirsty, there wasn't much of a hangover present. She was a little more tired than usual and didn't have any motivation to get up and do anything. She was thankful, though, when she recalled just how many of Tara's concoctions she'd had over the course of the night.
Then she remembered what had happened just before she'd called it a night and gone to bed. A wave of embarrassment rushed over her and she started to wonder if she should try to avoid Daryl for the rest of the day.
It was nearly noon and she was glad he'd left already, though she wasn't sure whether to expect him later in the evening or not. But based on what he'd told her, she figured she could hide in her room around the time he usually got home – in case he stopped by to shower and change before his date – and then hopefully he wouldn't come home until late, and he'd go straight to bed without knocking on her door or inviting her to share a snack with him or something. That was an ideal situation, though, and she was afraid she'd probably be better off just locking herself in her bedroom all day. Or maybe he would be too occupied with his date to sense the tension or try to talk to her and she wouldn't have to worry about it.
Beth didn't want to think about all that at the moment. Instead, she picked up her phone and checked for notifications. She found a text from Irma – another update on her and Dale's road trip – as well as a text from Tara, the timestamp from just a few hours before. She was a little surprised, then read:
Omg dude I'm so hungover. Last night was hella fun tho! Keep your Saturday night open – but don't mention anything to Rosita ;)
The text left Beth feeling confused, her mind still foggy from sleep, but she just shook her head and resolved to text Tara back later. She went on to check the news: national first, then Georgia and Atlanta. There was nothing new posted, and a couple of newer stories had bumped the article about her family's court proceedings down a few notches. Her muscles instinctively relaxed just the slightest, and she set the phone back down.
She lay in bed for a little longer, staring up at the ceiling and replaying the night before in her head. It wasn't the party she couldn't stop dwelling on, though… it was the awkward moment with Daryl. She still wasn't sure if it had all been in her head or not.
Maybe she was reading too much into it because she'd still been intoxicated? Or maybe she'd just plain interpreted his body language incorrectly. She reminded herself that she'd only even known the guy for less than two weeks, so who was she to think that she knew him like that?
She told herself it had been a mistake – just a weird moment where they'd both been a little uncoordinated and were both too socially awkward to know what to do about it. Surely she was being overdramatic by thinking of ways to avoid him when there was obviously nothing to avoid.
Yet there was still a nagging voice in the back of her head, telling her that she knew exactly what that look in his eyes had been. It taunted her for freezing up when she'd really wanted to move aside, or sit back, or remove herself from the situation entirely.
What if Malachi hadn't interrupted them when he did? Would she have let Daryl get closer? Would she have let him touch her like that, or get close enough… in that way?
Everything in her was saying no. Yet she could still hear the small part crying yes, oh god, yes.
Her skin crawled and she felt torn in half by her need for space and her desire for intimacy.
With a defeated sigh, Beth got out of bed and stretched. She slipped on some comfortable pants and wandered out into the apartment, finding it lit dimly by the afternoon sun. When she went to the windows and looked out, she saw that it had rained the night before, and now there were puddles and drying streets, and the clouds were still fighting for their place in the sky. The sun persisted from behind them, but it was a losing battle. She lifted the windows just a few inches and let in the damp air, a cool breeze blowing in and refreshing the air in the living room.
She used the bathroom, washing her face and brushing her teeth before heading to the kitchen. She found the coffeepot empty, to her dismay. However, there was a small note sitting on the counter right in front of it, and it looked to be in Daryl's scratchy handwriting:
Forgot to get coffee yesterday. Bringing it home today. Sorry :(
Despite the inconvenience and utter disappointment of having no coffee in the apartment, Beth found herself smiling as she stared down at the scrawled apology. When she realized it, she shook her head and crumpled the note in her hand, then tossed it into the trash in frustration.
She knew she could head out to the store and buy coffee for herself, or even find a Starbucks (there seemed to be one on every other corner anyway), but she had no motivation to get dressed or try to wander out into public. Carrying her mild upset, she went about making herself some breakfast. To avoid the annoying thoughts floating around her head, she turned on the TV and listened to it as she cooked, then sat down on the couch to eat while she watched Dr. Phil reruns. She made hot tea as a substitute for the coffee, but it wasn't nearly as satisfying.
Beth had finished eating and washed the dishes that had piled up before she sat back down in the living room. She watched TV for a while, sprawled out on the couch and contemplating a nap. Her head was beginning to throb from caffeine withdrawal, and she shut her eyes to try to focus on breathing steadily and feeling the bouts of cool air that were drifting in from the windows on her skin. The smell of rain was floating in and the passing clouds were drizzling randomly. There was a small clap of thunder every five or ten minutes, but it became background noise along with the cars and voices outside.
It was half past one when there was a knock at the front door. Beth opened her eyes and sat up to look toward it quizzically. She glanced at the clock to assure herself of the time, then got up and walked over to peer through the peephole.
To her surprise, Clem was standing outside. There didn't look to be anyone else with her, so Beth unlocked the door and opened it.
"Hey – everythin' okay?" Beth asked, looking Clem up and down for any signs of distress. But she was dressed casually, her springy, black hair pulled up into a high, bushy bun, and holding two large Starbucks cups in her hands while she gave Beth a puzzled look.
"Uh, yeah – everythin' okay with you?" Clem asked, quirking an eyebrow and holding out one of the cups for Beth to take. "Daryl asked me to make a Starbucks run and grab you something, so here ya go."
Now it was Beth's turn to look confused. She took the cup hesitantly, even though she was grateful to see the coffee. "Oh – wow. Okay. Well, thank you. Did he pay you already, or – "
Clem waved a hand dismissively. "Yeah, this morning. I just kinda assumed you'd be sleeping in, so I didn't get yours till my second coffee run of the day."
Beth raised her eyebrows in surprise but took a long sip of the hot coffee anyway. She had noticed that Daryl drank his coffee almost black, but this was prepared just the way she liked it. She assumed Clem had known because she probably liked hers the same... Or maybe Daryl had told her. But she wasn't sure that he paid that much attention.
"Thanks again, I kinda needed this," Beth said.
Clem smirked. "I bet. How'd you feel this morning?"
Beth shrugged. "Not that bad. I paced myself an' had somethin' to eat before bed. It was just the lack of caffeine."
"Oh – right," Clem nodded. "Well, that's cool. Daryl said he probably wouldn't be back till late tonight… What're you gonna do till then?"
Beth smiled jokingly. "What I always do, I guess. It's not like we hang out when he's home or somethin'. It'll just be quieter without Malachi around."
Clem smiled and Beth wondered why it looked so mischievous. "Right… Well, I got some more work to do before I'm off. Wanna come hang out in the lobby? It's been pretty lonely today."
Beth furrowed her brow and searched Clem's face for any sign that she was joking or trying to pull some weird prank. But she seemed to be serious. Beth couldn't figure out why Clem would want to hang out with her – they'd barely spoken, and when they did, she'd always sensed that Clem either didn't like her or didn't trust her… or both.
Then again, she had nothing to really lose. Clem was only asking her to go down to the lobby and hang out for a little while. Beth didn't even have to go out in public. And she could come back upstairs and to the safety of the apartment whenever she wanted.
Beth nodded. "Sure – if you're not too busy."
Clem rolled her eyes and smiled. "Not even close."
Beth chuckled. "Okay, lemme throw some clothes on and I'll come down."
Clem nodded and turned to head back downstairs.
Beth closed the door and went about shutting off the TV and changing into something other than pajamas. She ran a brush through her hair and grabbed her phone to stuff into her pocket. Knowing that Malachi wouldn't be back all night, she didn't bother to pull her bag out from under the bed or move the gun from beneath the pillow. She shut her bedroom door tightly and left the apartment locked up, tucking the spare key safely into her pocket.
When Beth got downstairs, Clem was sitting at the reception desk. She gestured for Beth to join her behind the desk, where she'd pulled up another chair. She seemed to have a couple of books laid out on the desk and a notebook where she was taking notes. It looked like she'd been doing homework, and Beth envied her for a brief second.
"Oh, wow – no wonder you're so bored down here," Beth remarked, glancing around the empty lobby and then down at the homework.
Clem nodded. "Right? Not that I'm complaining about having time to do some homework, but still… it gets way too quiet down here."
"No kiddin'," Beth said, sitting down and getting comfortable at the desk next to Clem. She rested an elbow on it and looked down at the book and papers curiously. "You're – in college, right?"
"Yeah," Clem said. "This is uh, Art Histoy."
"Oh, cool," Beth said. "D'you have a major yet?"
Clem shrugged. "My mom owns an art gallery so I think she wants me to do something like that, but… I haven't committed to anything yet. Still not totally sure I don't wanna drive a truck cross-country for a living."
Beth laughed but Clem only smiled as if she were half-serious. Then she asked, "What about you – did you go to college? Or you want to?"
Beth's smile faded and she thought about her daddy and the promises he'd made. And then she thought about how they'd all fallen apart. "Nah, not really. I – uh – got kinda distracted. Y'know… stupid boys. But yeah, I definitely want to. I've always wanted to go to college, ever since I was little."
"Oh, yeah," Clem said, lowering her voice and speaking cautiously. "The… abusive ex?"
Beth nodded. "I mean – it's my own fault, too. But that's life, I guess."
Clem smirked. "At least you won't have to worry about being able to afford it, right?"
Beth furrowed her brow. "What d'you mean?"
Clem shrugged and leaned in a little closer. "Well – the inheritance. Carol's kind of a gossip, and – ya know, I wasn't trying to be nosey or anything, but you kinda had a lot of money on you when we went out the other day."
Beth was a little taken aback by the young girl's bluntness, but she also appreciated it. Clem could come off a bit quiet or uneasy, but Beth was starting to see that she was just observing. She obviously picked up on a lot more than the other girls did. And at least she was somewhat easy to read – even if she didn't speak her mind, she couldn't seem to stop her face from expressing it.
"Oh – yeah," Beth said, blinking but keeping a small smile on her face in the hopes of appearing confident. "I'm tryin' to be careful about that, but it's all I came here with, so I don't like to leave it layin' around. To be honest… I'd never seen that much money in my life. I don't even know what t'do with it all."
That was a lie. She knew exactly what she had to do with it all. "Rosie," however, did not.
Clem chuckled, brown eyes sparkling. "Dude, that's kinda crazy. That's like – a lot of money. Why don't you just get a bank account?"
"I still don't have my ID," Beth lied. "And I'm kinda just… trying to lay low until I'm sure my ex won't come huntin' for me up here."
Clem raised her eyebrows and looked at Beth in slight disbelief. "Oh, yeah… Carol told me about that, with the contacts and whatnot… Sounds pretty – uh, bad, dude."
Beth shrugged, feeling the energy of their conversation taking a rapid nosedive. She tried to lighten the mood and added, "Well it's done with now. Live an' learn, right?"
Clem gave a tight-lipped smile and nodded in agreement, then looked down at her homework absent-mindedly.
"So what d'you do down here?" Beth asked, quickly changing the subject. "Is it one of those desk jobs where you get paid t'sit on Facebook all day?"
Clem laughed and Beth breathed easier.
"It is sometimes," Clem explained. "But no, I pretty much just do the stuff that the building manager doesn't wanna do. Like… I put in work orders when tenants have something that needs fixed, and I sign for packages, and sometimes I give people tours if we have a vacant rental. They want me to make sure there aren't any crazy people lurking around all day, too. But… yeah, it's a lot of Facebook and homework."
Beth laughed and Clem joined her.
They sipped their coffees and talked idly about their day-to-day lives: Clem talked about the classes she was taking and some of the funny experiences she'd had since working in the apartment building lobby, and Beth talked about Malachi's obsession with bugs and how well Daryl could actually cook. Then they both talked about the Saturday class, and what Beth should expect if she intended to keep attending, which turned into a conversation about the other people in the class that Clem had met since she started going.
Beth listened attentively and laughed often, though it wasn't forced because she found Clem to be genuinely funny, even when she wasn't trying to be. After a while, she started to wonder if the other girl had figured out that "Rosie" wasn't actually twenty-one, because the two of them were relating on more than just the group of people they'd made friends with. But then she decided that it didn't really matter anymore. Beth got a strong feeling that told her she could trust Clem, even if it was just a little. Plus, Clem seemed to enjoy having someone her own age to talk with. She seemed to be fairly close with Enid, but from what she'd told Beth so far, Enid had grown attached to her new boyfriend and was keeping busy with school and preparing for college.
The girls sat together in the lobby for well over an hour, talking and laughing. Beth learned that Clem had been fairly introverted most of her life and from the sounds of it, the girls from the class were her first real friends since all of her close friends had moved away for college. She didn't seem to mind, though. She talked about all the activities she'd been involved in during school and the vacations to other countries she would go on with her parents, as well as some of the crazy experiences she'd had with her small group of friends. Beth shared a couple of her own stories, though she found that she didn't have many to tell.
Clem was in the midst of telling Beth a particularly funny story from her years doing martial arts when the front door of the lobby opened and a familiar voice filled the quiet room.
"Hey, shitheads!"
It was Tara, dressed in her paramedic uniform with her hair pulled back in a tight bun and a toothpick in her mouth. She strode through the lobby and to the desk, leaning on the surface with her arms.
Clem smiled and Beth nodded in greeting.
"What're you doing here?" Clem asked. "Aren't you supposed to be working?"
"Lunch break," Tara answered, then looked to Beth. "You get my text this morning?"
Beth raised her eyebrows. "Oh – yeah. Sorry, I was half-asleep when I read it, I forgot to reply."
Tara rolled her eyes with a playful smile and gazed at the girls. "Whatever. That's why I'm here – you ladies comin' Saturday night?"
Clem gave Tara an expectant look. "For what?"
"Surprise party for Rosita," Tara said. "Me and Denise's house, four o'clock. We're having a real birthday party for her."
Clem still looked a bit confused. "I thought… she didn't want a big party? She said it's just – "
Tara put up a hand and stopped Clem mid-sentence. "Eh! I don't care what she said. Sometimes, she doesn't know what she really wants. But I do, that's why I'm her best friend. And I'm having a real birthday party for her – streamers and balloons and all that shit – and you guys are coming... Cool?"
Clem turned her head and looked at Beth for her opinion, who shrugged. Clem mimicked the motion and turned back to Tara. "Okay. Should we – like, bring anything?"
"Yeah, and what about a ride?" Beth added.
Tara pointed to Clem and told her, "Clem, I'm picking you up, and no, just bring your smiling face and – well, maybe some more of those cupcakes." Then she pointed to Beth and told her, "Rosie – well, you're riding with Daryl, right?"
Beth furrowed her brow and looked over to see that Clem had the same quizzical expression on her face. Beth looked back to Tara for an explanation. "He's… going?"
Tara nodded. "Well, yeah. I asked him this morning and he said he's down, as long as Carol wants to watch the kid."
"That's not fair," Clem said. "So Carol can't come?"
Tara gave Clem a look that said she knew better than that. "Please – I've invited her every time and she always says no. I invited her before I ever thought to ask Daryl, and she said no. That's why I asked him."
"I'm surprised he said yes," Beth commented.
"He said maybe," Tara corrected. "But if you're depending on him for a ride – maybe he'll actually make an appearance this time."
Beth glanced over at Clem to see her reaction to that but Clem only looked intrigued. Beth said, "Alright, well… sure. If nothin' else, I'll just take a cab."
Tara drummed on the edge of the desk excitedly and grinned, then pointed to Beth enthusiastically. "I like this girl! She's got commitment!"
Clem smiled and joked, "Yeah, and a backpack full of money to pay for all the cab rides in the world."
Beth's eyes widened but when she heard Tara's laugh and saw the playful look on Clem's face, she smiled, too, and chuckled.
"Hey, I'm not asking you for gas money, there's no need to be bitter," Tara said to Clem, still chuckling. "Seriously, though, I gotta go. Ya know – gotta get back to savin' lives and all that."
Clem rolled her eyes, still smiling, and she and Beth waved goodbye to Tara and watched her leave the lobby and disappear down the sidewalk. Beth turned back toward Clem to see that her smile had faded.
"Hm… you think Austin's gonna be there again?" Clem asked thoughtfully, still gazing toward the front door and the windows that showed sparse bits of the outside.
"Rosita's boyfriend?" Beth asked.
Clem nodded. "They're not official yet, but yeah."
"Oh," Beth shrugged. "I dunno. Probably. Why?"
Clem shrugged and looked back down at the books and papers scattered on the desk before her. "Just… eh, I'm probably just being weird, but he just… kinda gave me a weird feeling last night."
Now Beth was intrigued. She furrowed her brow and leaned in a little closer, lowering her voice as though there was someone around to hear them. "What d'you mean?"
Clem shrugged again and shook her head. "I dunno. I – read too much into stuff sometimes. Forget about it."
Beth leaned away a little and prepared to pry harder, hoping to get an answer. She couldn't think of any weird feelings she'd had about Austin – she hadn't even really exchanged more than five words with the guy – and now she was curious to find out what had caused Clem to feel this way. But she must've known Beth would try to pry, because she quickly changed the subject.
"You really think Daryl will show up?" Clem asked, looking at Beth again.
Beth immediately forgot about Austin. She shrugged. "I dunno. You ever seen him at anything besides class?"
Clem smirked. "Good point."
Beth smiled at her little joke and continued, "Maybe he'll bring Ally."
Clem laughed. "Yeah, right. Let's see if she makes it past tonight."
Beth furrowed her brow. "Wow, so pessimistic. You sound just like him."
Clem quirked a brow. "Oh, so you do hang out?"
"What?" Beth was confused. "Where'd you get that?"
Clem smiled knowingly. "You just said I sound like him. Obviously he said something to you about his date tonight."
Beth looked away and down at her hands, feeling the heat rising to her cheeks. She was starting to hate how her body reacted to questions about Daryl. "Well, we're roommates, so he was lettin' me know that he'd be gone. We talked a little – ain't nothin' to really remember, though. He just sounded pessimistic and like he was only goin' on the date 'cause he felt obliged or somethin'."
"Probably is," Clem said, and Beth looked back into her eyes to see that she didn't appear to be secretly judging Beth or implying anything, which eased her. "I didn't just say that 'cause I'm a pessimistic fuck like Daryl; I'm just going off what I've seen, and what Carol and them have told me. She's tried to set him up on a bunch of dates, but he always says no. And I can't say I've ever seen him bring any women around here... For a little while, I thought he was gay."
Beth laughed. "He has a kid."
Clem didn't laugh. "So? My gay uncle has two kids. He could be bisexual. I dunno… But then I never saw him with any guys either. It's only ever just him and Malachi. Ever."
"Oh," Beth said quietly. "Well… that don't mean anything. He seems to like bein' alone."
Clem gave Beth a pitying look. "Nobody likes being that alone."
Beth pursed her lips and looked toward the door, as though she expected Daryl to walk through it any second. She thought about the night they'd sat together in silence, and how he'd vented about being lonely despite wanting to be alone. Then she thought about him knocking on her bedroom door, offering her food and companionship, and texting her, offering her safety. She also thought about the look he'd given her when they both realized that she could see some of the emotional scars he was trying to hide.
"Carol said, he's an… island," Beth mumbled, gazing off thoughtfully. "I think she wants t'crack the puzzle, but… I don't think he's a puzzle ya can crack. Some people just wanna be left alone."
As soon as the words came out, she realized that she was sounding exactly like him. She wasn't sure when that had happened, but at the same time, she couldn't think of a better way to describe Daryl. She was only going off what he'd confided in her, after all.
"And what about you?" Clem asked, catching Beth off-guard. "I know your ex is a huge piece of shit, but… it's not like you'd make that mistake again, right?"
Beth scoffed. "Another relationship is the very last thing on my mind. Trust me. I might end up likin' being alone better, too."
Clem snickered. "Yeah, right."
Beth chuckled nervously and Clem narrowed her eyes knowingly.
"You guys don't hang out… you don't talk... but you know his kid's favorite hobby, and he cooks you dinner, and he's probably already talked to you in a week as much as he's talked to Carol in two years," Clem said, all with a mischievous smirk.
Beth swallowed hard and shook her head, rolling her eyes as though it were all ridiculous. "Like I said: we're roommates. You end up doin' stuff you wouldn't normally do."
Clem hadn't stopped smirking. "Right! Like riding to a party together on the back of his motorcycle."
Now Beth laughed. "That doesn't mean anything – I rode here on the back of his motorcycle barely fifteen minutes after we met."
Clem raised her eyebrows. "I've never seen him buy coffee for anybody before either. I worked here for six months before he even said good morning to me."
But then she started laughing, too. Beth relaxed once they'd seemed to brush it all aside as a joke and moved on to talking about the busy Saturday that was approaching.
But Beth couldn't quite put it out of her head for the rest of the day. And the mischievous sparkle that had been in Clem's eyes didn't settle well with her, either.
Beth didn't feel any different when she woke up the day after her birthday. She was officially eighteen, but it didn't feel important anymore. She'd fallen asleep around ten so she hadn't been awake for her "birth time" like most years. Once again, it didn't seem to matter anymore.
She'd slept restlessly, tossing and turning and waking up every couple of hours. When she finally gave in and got up for the day, all she could think about was the time and how many hours she had until eight p.m. She had a thick knot of dread in her stomach, and it was growing larger and larger the closer she got to seeing Jimmy. She told herself she could still back out, could still call it off or change her mind. But the guilt always brought her back to the decision. She'd spent too long with him and loved him too much not to break up with him in person.
The day passed quickly. Hershel and Maggie kept busy for the most part, and after Beth had done her share of chores, she found plenty of uninterrupted free time. She played her new guitar for a while, but grew bored and distracted. A few times, she wandered about the house and the farm and looked for her sister and her daddy, hoping to catch them talking about what they'd been arguing over the night before. But they seemed to be eluding her and she was left just as clueless as she'd been while standing outside the study the night before.
When evening arrived, Beth put on a white cardigan over her light yellow T-shirt and headed downstairs. At first, she hesitated, expecting to find Maggie or Glenn or her daddy with a barrage of questions. She had convinced herself that she'd stand firm in her decision – as a legal adult – to go out for a couple of hours and take care of a personal matter.
But she didn't have to use even one of the dozens of arguments she'd prepared in her head, because she found the farmhouse quiet and everyone either behind a closed door or somewhere outside the house. She'd noticed that Glenn's car was gone from its usual spot and assumed he and Maggie had gone into the city for something. Beth walked out the front door with no questions and, apparently, without anyone noticing she was gone.
She did, however, stop at the end table in the hallway on her way out. She found the loaded Beretta 92 that was always there, and glanced around once more before grabbing it and checking to make sure the safety was on, then slipping it into the waistband of her jeans, against her lower back. She'd heard plenty of horror stories about addicts and their erratic actions, and she wasn't about to be caught unprepared.
The night was mild. As she walked down the dirt road, travelling the familiar path she always took to her meeting spot with Jimmy, she found the breeze refreshing on her skin. The humidity had lifted just slightly; the air was still cooling down from the hot sun, but the temperature seemed to be dropping every minute. Beth's heart was beating quicker and quicker as she approached the corner, turning and heading toward an area of the road that was mostly blocked by thick trees. Their leaves rustled in the breeze, and it was the only sound besides the crickets and distant bullfrogs.
She glanced over her shoulder every few seconds, always finding the empty dirt road behind her. She quickened her pace when she finally got close enough to spot the corner of Jimmy's truck peeking out from behind the trees further down the road.
Her mind was blank except for the thought of seeing his face and how she'd feel. She still had no idea what to expect, and she couldn't decide if she was excited to see him or terrified. The fluttering butterflies in her stomach had turned to squirming maggots long ago.
When she approached the truck and passed the trees, she spotted Jimmy. He was sitting on the open tailgate of his truck, back turned to her, waiting. His truck was turned off and the only light was coming from the moon, which was dim this early in the night. He heard her footsteps in the grass and leaves and turned his head, and she almost jumped back from the sight of him. She stopped in her tracks and stared at the prominent red sores on his face, neck, and arms. He approached her but stopped a few feet away when he saw the look on her face.
"Baby – "
"Don't," she interrupted him.
Seeing him like this – his pupils dilated in the darkness and his cheeks sallow – reminded her of what she had come to do. He had clearly gone into a downward spiral since she last saw him, and now she was wishing she'd just broken up with him over the phone.
"But, Beth – "
"Jimmy, listen," she said, her voice shaky. She was trying her hardest to remain calm and stoic, like Maggie would be or her daddy, but her hands were trembling at her sides. "You… you need t'get help. I love you, and I'll always love you, but – look at yourself. We can't do this anymore."
He looked genuinely bewildered, his jaw twitching restlessly as he stared uncomfortably deep into her eyes. He talked fast, but clear enough to sound pleading. "What – I don't – what're you sayin'? I'm fine – it's just been a rough couple weeks. I miss you, baby. Let's go back t'my place, we can talk about this, we – "
"No," she stopped him, taking a step back. "I'm not goin' anywhere with you. I only came out here t'tell you this… I can't – I can't ever trust you again, Jimmy. Don't you get that? The last time we were together – th-that wasn't right. You hurt me."
The perplexed look on his face didn't go away, and he seemed to be clueless. But Beth wasn't going to let him manipulate her this time. She was fighting back tears as flashes of August Eleventh played in her mind and she still couldn't wrap her head around how he'd been so unfazed, and still was. She wondered if he was so high that he'd somehow blacked out or something, even though she knew that wasn't likely.
"Babe, I don't – look, I dunno what y'think happened. We got a li'l rough, but we always do. I thought you liked it," he said, making her stomach writhe. "Yer emotional, I didn't think – look, yer family's been comin' down hard on ya lately, but you can't let 'em get t'you. We're still soulmates, baby."
"Stop," she said, her voice weak. "I can't – I can't do this. I can't talk t'you, or-or see you. We're over, okay? Maybe someday, if you get help – "
His face dropped and she felt a stab of guilt in her chest. His voice came out sad, pleading, almost child-like.
"But – babe, what d'you mean? Over? I-I don't – I can't lose you, baby," he begged, tears forming in his eyes. "I need your help, I can't – "
Beth shook her head and forced back tears, raising her voice and trying to remain firm. "I can't help you, Jimmy. We need time apart, an' – an' you need t'get serious help… I'm breaking up with you. I'll always love you, but I'm sorry."
Jimmy's demeanor immediately changed when he realized she wouldn't be swayed. In a split-second, he'd switched from confused and hurt to angry and frustrated.
Beth took another step back and this time, he noticed and took a step closer.
"You don't get t'do that!" He said, his voice and temper rising. "We're meant to be together, Beth! We've – I've wasted a goddamn year on you! You can't end this! Not now!"
Beth felt a physical aching in her chest and she swallowed past a knot in her throat, opening her mouth to speak, "You raped – "
"Raped? RAPED?! Are you fucking kidding me?!" He was yelling, face turning red. "We're together! I can't rape you! Yer blowin' this way outta proportion, Beth, yer just lettin' yer goddamn family talk y'into – "
"My family has nothin' to do with this!" Beth interrupted, her own voice rising to drown him out. She felt her anger bubbling to the surface and she'd never resented him more in her life than she did at this very moment. "I didn't even tell them about it, 'cause if I did, you'd be dead by now!"
She hated herself, too. She'd been so naïve, so gullible and trusting. How could she think he would ever get clean for her? Or that they were meant to be together? How could she have thought her family didn't know what they were talking about when they had warned her and tried to protect her over and over? He'd tricked her – fooled her time and time again with his sweet words and soft kisses.
Jimmy's words were empty and meaningless now, and she knew that without a doubt. She couldn't believe she'd actually trusted this monster. Or that she'd loved him so passionately.
And she hadn't told her family about August Eleventh, but it wasn't just because they'd kill him if they knew… it was also because she knew it would be wrong to put all the blame on Jimmy when she was just as much at fault.
She'd known he was dangerous and unpredictable and she'd still trusted him. It was her own fault.
"You did this! You fucked up, Jimmy! I'm done, okay?! Yer lucky my dad doesn't fuckin' kill you after the way you fucked him over. I've never seen somebody steal from him like that an' walk away t'tell the story," Beth said, loud and furious.
He took another step closer but she stood firmly in her spot. She was still shaking, but it was from anger.
"Yer dad's a greedy fuckin' bastard," Jimmy said through gritted teeth, eyes ablaze with rage. He took two more steps closer until he was within arm's reach of her, and she stared up defiantly at him. "An' he won't do shit. None of 'em will. Yer all fuckin' guilty, especially YOU. I'm all you fuckin' got an' you know it."
Before she'd fully realized what she was doing, Beth had reached out and slapped Jimmy across the face as hard as she could. Her palm stung from the impact and she stared at him blankly, mouth agape. His cheek was blazing red and his eyes stared at her in utter perplexity.
She didn't know what overtook her. Even looking back on it, she couldn't explain to herself why she'd done such a thing. She'd stooped to his level and let her anger consume her, even though she knew she should've just walked away and never looked back.
But she was so sick of letting him hurt her.
His face twisted from puzzlement back to unbridled rage and he reached out, wrapping his hand around Beth's throat and shoving her to the right and backwards, until her back slammed into the side of the truck.
She weighed practically nothing and he lifted her from the ground without a second thought, eyes bulging with anger as he gripped her throat tightly and pressed her against the hard metal of the truck. She reached up and clawed his hand with both of hers, kicking out wildly as her mind and heart raced and she gasped for air.
Finally, she was able to lift her foot and kick hard enough to hit him in the groin. His grip immediately loosened and he doubled over in pain, dropping her back to the ground. She landed on shaky feet but steadied herself quickly, and took her chance to slip away from him and try to run. But he reached out and grabbed her left arm before she could get more than two steps away, and she spun around with her right fist clenched, putting all her weight and strength into her right arm until she felt her knuckles connect with his face.
She had swung blindly and didn't know where she'd hit him until she pulled her arm back and prepared to swing again. His nose started bleeding and immediately began to swell and turn red. If he'd been angry before, he was furious now, and his grip on her arm tightened as he used the other hand to stop her mid-swing. Now he had both her arms held tightly in his hands, and his nose was bleeding down his face and dripping onto the ground and his navy blue shirt.
He was fighting to constrain her, though, as she swung wildly and kicked his shins repeatedly, yanking and pulling away as she tried to free her arms. He yelled and cursed, but she could barely hear him over the rushing blood in her ears and her own pounding heart.
Then he let go of her arm, but before she could hit him, he'd slapped her across the face even harder than she'd slapped him, leaving her dazed and her cheek stinging with pain. Her eyes immediately watered and she reeled, ceasing her struggle and looking back at him in horror. Her mouth stung and her lip was throbbing, and she could feel it starting to bleed.
Jimmy still looked furious, and Beth returned the look. She took advantage of their two seconds of disorientation to swing with her clenched fist again, making contact once more with his face.
He cried out in pain as she hit his eye this time, and she wasn't completely sure why she'd gone for another hit instead of trying to pull away. She readied herself to swing again, though, acting on the impulse to hurt him as much as possible. However, he was prepared this time, and despite his bleeding nose and swelling eye, he stopped her arm for the last time with one hand and let go of her other arm so that he could swing his other fist directly into her eye.
She stumbled back and nearly fell over from the force of the impact, feeling dazed. Stars sprinkled her vision for several seconds, and she tried to regain her balance and clear her eyesight. She could hear Jimmy's footsteps in the leaves approaching her again, and she stumbled backward, trying to get away from him quickly. Her eye stung and throbbed and she could feel it already beginning to swell.
He was saying something to her, but he still sounded aggravated and she knew that whatever he was saying didn't matter. She just wanted to leave here with her life.
He wasn't going to stop, and that was clear to her now.
Despite her disorientation, Beth managed to reach a hand back and grab the Beretta from her waistband, pulling it out and gripping it tightly with both hands. She held it in front of her and pointed it directly at Jimmy's chest, blinking a few times to clear the spots from her vision as she stared at him defiantly.
He stopped in his tracks and put both of his hands up, face dropping. The anger dissipated and she could see the fear in his eyes.
Her thumb moved to click off the safety. Then her index finger hovered over the trigger while she fought to keep her hands steady.
"What the fuck – is that loaded, Beth?" He asked, and she could tell he was struggling to keep his voice from shaking.
She cocked it audibly, then aimed it up into the sky just long enough to fire off a round. Jimmy jumped from the sound and blinked in disbelief.
Beth cocked it again and resumed aiming directly at his chest, then muttered, "Yep."
He furrowed his brow, the blood on his face beginning to dry as his left eye continued to swell. "What're you – "
"I'm leaving," she said, making sure to speak loud and clear. "We're over. For good. Don't come around – I can't promise that my family won't put you in the hospital. Or murder you. And if you go t'the police… I'll kill you myself."
He still looked like he didn't believe her, but she began taking slow and careful steps backward anyway. He didn't move to approach her, and she waited until she'd made it to the road to put down her arms and turn around to start running.
She didn't stop until she got to the front door of her house. Nor did she stop to notice that Glenn's car was back in its usual spot outside.
When she made it onto the porch and stopped to glance back, she saw that Jimmy hadn't followed her. She was still pumping with adrenaline and she panted, trying to catch her breath. Her heart pounded in her ears. The gun was still warm in her hand, and despite her shakiness, she clicked the safety on and tucked it back into her waistband.
She stood in front of the door for a few minutes, fighting to stop shaking and regulate her breathing. The outside air had become stifling.
She looked down at herself for the first time and saw that she had bloodstains all over her white cardigan as well as the yellow shirt beneath – though she didn't know how much of it was hers and how much was Jimmy's. The sleeves of her cardigan had ripped in several places from her struggle with him. She looked down at her hands and saw her knuckles were bruised and bloody and her fingernails still had Jimmy's blood and skin beneath them. The ends of her blonde hair were sticky with blood and sweat.
She could hear voices coming from inside the farmhouse, but she knew she had no choice except to enter. She wouldn't be able to avoid them at the back door either, so she tried to prepare herself as best she could before opening the door and stepping inside.
At first, she didn't see anyone, and she assumed everyone must've been in the kitchen. She shut the front door as quietly as she could and tried to step lightly across the floor, stopping at the end table in the hall to carefully open the drawer and place the Beretta back in its spot. Her hands were still shaking. But before she could even set it down inside the drawer, she heard footsteps quickly approaching from towards the kitchen and she looked up to see her sister.
"Beth!" Maggie cried, stopping in her tracks and staring at the shocking sight of the young blonde, bloodied and bruised with a gun in her hand.
Beth stood, frozen, like a deer caught in headlights. Before she could try to speak, Maggie's puzzlement turned to anger.
"Who did that to you?! What the hell happened?! Wh-where've you been?!" Maggie exclaimed, eyes wild as she looked Beth up and down.
She rushed to her little sister's side and grabbed the gun gingerly from her hand, setting it down inside the drawer before pulling her closer to inspect every exposed inch of her body.
The brunette turned her head toward the kitchen to yell out, "Dad! Get in here! It's Beth!"
Hershel appeared from inside the kitchen almost immediately, rushing down the hall to join Maggie at Beth's side. His eyes grew wide in fear, and then fury, when he saw the state of his youngest daughter.
Beth couldn't help it. She couldn't hold it back anymore. When she saw the concern on her daddy's face, her eyes welled up with tears and the guilt came back full-force.
"Daddy – I-I'm sorry, you were right, you an' Maggie were both right," she choked out, tears pouring down her face.
"Did you shoot someone, Beth? Why did you have the gun? We heard a gunshot earlier – was that you?" Maggie asked desperately. "Just tell us the truth, we wanna make sure you're safe."
Beth shook her head and then nodded. "No – I didn't – I didn't shoot anyone. It was a warning shot – I-I'm sorry, I got scared, I had no other choice. It… it was Jimmy… I broke up with him. I-I was still seein' him, but… I ended it. And we got… in a f-fight."
She'd been looking down as she forced the words out, afraid to see her daddy's face. But once it was out, and she heard the gasp that came from Maggie, she looked up to see that his eyes were alit with burning rage. And she immediately knew that she'd just kindled a fire that couldn't be put out.
Maggie seemed at a loss for words, breathing out in shock and disbelief, "Bethy…"
Hershel was silent for a second, then said quietly, and surprisingly calmly, "We don't care that you were still seein' him… We care that he hurt you."
Hershel pursed his lips and Maggie stepped aside as he moved forward and wrapped his arms around Beth, pulling her in close and hugging her tightly. She buried her face in his chest and let the sobs wrack her body, her tears soaking his shirt.
He rubbed her back and shushed her, but she could feel that he was exchanging meaningful looks with Maggie.
After a few moments, he whispered out, right next to her ear, "Don't worry, baby girl. Daddy's gonna take care o' him... He won't ever hurt you again… No one will."
The coffee proved to cure Beth's headache, and the conversation with Clem put her in a better mood. Nonetheless, once she got back up to the apartment and plopped down on the couch, she sunk deep down into the comfortable cushions and relaxed until she was dozing in and out of sleep.
After a couple hours of napping, she started to feel hungry. With the TV still on at a low volume, she got up and made herself a sandwich. She sat on the couch and ate while idly watching the local news. It had come on and she hadn't bothered to change the channel. It reminded her that she needed to check the Georgia news again, although she'd been grateful for the distractions throughout the day. She found herself obsessively checking for updates less and less, and she figured that had to be some sort of an improvement.
Once she'd eaten and relaxed a bit more, she started feeling restless. There was nothing interesting on TV and the sun was slowly setting outside. She got up and turned on the living room light, then wandered into her bedroom and brought out the guitar.
Beth fiddled with the tuning machines and plucked the strings. After a little while, it started to feel familiar in her hands. She played around with tunes and sang softly, bouncing between songs without playing anything in particular. The minutes passed and she didn't even notice how dark the sky was becoming outside.
The sound of the front door being unlocked and opened startled her from the escapism, and she quickly set the guitar aside and sat on the couch. She didn't know why, but she felt embarrassed to be caught playing guitar all by herself while daydreaming. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was well past six. She'd been right in guessing that Daryl would come home to shower and get ready for his date.
When Daryl finally got inside the apartment and shut the door behind him, Beth appeared to be watching TV on the couch. She turned back to wave at him, and he returned it with a nod of acknowledgment. Then he turned and headed down the hall, motorcycle helmet still in hand.
She didn't see him again for about half an hour. She heard him thumping around at the end of the hall, and then heard the sounds of the shower in the bathroom, soon followed by the hairdryer. Beth stared at the TV but didn't really watch it.
When Daryl emerged again, he left the scent of musky soap and aftershave in his wake. The smell drifted through the apartment and as his footsteps approached the couch, it reached her nose and she felt that familiar flutter in her stomach.
Beth turned to see that Daryl was dressed much differently than she'd seen so far. He was still wearing his usual jeans, but this pair was so new and black that they didn't appear to be denim at first. He was also still wearing boots, but again, it was a new, black pair that Beth had never seen before. And instead of a cut-off Tee or a flannel, he wore a black blazer over a dark gray Henley. He was also freshly shaven, his facial hair trimmed and shaped to precision, and his hair was a little cleaner and more attentively brushed than usual.
"Alright, see ya later," Daryl called as he headed toward the door, keys and motorcycle helmet in hand.
"Not if it goes really well," Beth joked, which made him stop and turn around to shake his head at her – though she could see the hint of a smile from behind his hair. She grinned playfully and added, "Good luck!"
He grunted in response and then left.
The apartment still smelled like his aftershave long after Beth heard his motorcycle start up and leave outside. She tried to go back to watching TV, but it proved to be much more difficult to focus now.
With a sigh of boredom, she grabbed her phone and checked the news sites, but found only national stories and more missing children in all the trending headlines. She double-checked the national news, squinting down at the screen as she scrolled through the list, to assure herself that her face wasn't popping up on people's television screens. She was grateful when she didn't find anything, but the entire search only killed about half an hour.
Beth wandered back to her guitar, picking it up and muting the TV so she could pick back up where she'd left off before Daryl had interrupted her. Well – he hadn't really interrupted, if she were being honest. She was just feeling… weird, and vulnerable, and wasn't in the mood to have others hear her play. Or at least, that's what she was telling herself. She couldn't quite explain why she was suddenly feeling flushed and self-conscious around Daryl, and frankly, she didn't want to explain it.
Now that she knew she'd have most of the night to herself, she became indulged in playing the guitar. Before long, her fingers were sore and a bit cut-up. Beth knew she'd have to build up some callouses, but with all the free time she had, it wouldn't take long. However, she took it as a sign that she should give it a rest for the night.
The guitar was returned to its corner in her bedroom while she took advantage of the open living room by sprawling out on the couch with a book. The windows were still open a crack and the cool, evening breeze blew in gently. The sun had finally sunk behind the horizon and the sky continued to grow darker as the evening turned to night. The clouds continued to pass through the sky while the moon glowed behind them.
After a few long chapters, Beth's eyelids grew heavy. She turned off the living room light until it was only the stove light in the kitchen and the dim flicker from the muted TV in the small, quiet apartment. The sounds of the city drifted in through the windows and lulled her into an effortless, dreamless sleep.
Beth hadn't even realized she'd given in to sleep until she was opening her eyes a few hours later. There was a bright light coming from the kitchen and she blinked rapidly, confused. She sat up and looked around to see that everything was exactly the way it had been before she'd fallen asleep, except that the kitchen light was on and someone was rustling around inside.
She wondered how she hadn't woken up to the sound of the front door as she sat up and stretched, then looked at the clock. It read 1:48. She got up and wandered to the hall, peering into the kitchen curiously.
Just as she expected, she found Daryl opening and closing cabinets. From the looks of the counter, it appeared he had bought a pizza on his way home and was making a very strong drink to go along with it.
"How'd it go?" Beth asked, stepping lightly into the kitchen and standing near the bar. Her curiosity made her completely forget about the fear of awkward tension between them, and it was clear to her now that she'd been overthinking.
Daryl grunted, but it sounded frustrated. He lifted his glass from the counter and took a sip, then turned around to face Beth. She quickly realized that if she'd been able to see his face before she'd asked how the date went, she would already have her answer.
"Oh," she said.
But he shrugged and gestured to the pizza box on the counter. "Want some? 'S still warm."
She nodded. "Sure, thanks."
Beth had learned enough about Daryl by now to know not to ask if he wanted to talk about the date. She was curious, but she could also sense the anger that was still radiating off of him. She would've assumed that coming home this late meant he had a good time, but he smelled like he'd spent the last few hours sitting at a bar.
They each grabbed a slice of pizza and a plate, and Beth started eating hers at the counter. Daryl sipped his drink and ate his own slice, scarfing it down and grabbing another while Beth was still working on her crust.
"Wanna drink?" Daryl offered through a mouthful of pizza, gesturing to the cabinet above the fridge with his free hand.
Beth shrugged. Rosita's party felt like a distant memory after all the naps she'd taken, and her stomach felt fine, albeit full of pizza. She'd started to think that these nightcaps were becoming another one of Daryl's many routines. But she didn't mind – she kind of enjoyed them.
"Yeah, why not," she mumbled after swallowing a mouthful of pizza crust and setting her plate aside.
Daryl nodded and went about making her a drink, though he didn't make it nearly as strong as his own. Beth washed and dried her hands quickly in the sink and turned around to find him holding the glass out for her to take.
"Thanks," she said, taking it carefully.
He nodded wordlessly.
For a second, Beth was afraid the smell would make her stomach turn, but after she raised it to her lips and took a small sip, she found that it went down smoothly and didn't bother her. She looked up from the clear liquid to find Daryl watching her intently, as though he'd forgotten that he was staring at her. She gave an awkward smile and he seemed to snap back to reality before quickly taking a drink from his glass and turning to head to the living room.
Beth pushed it from her mind despite the strange feeling it had given her. She took a longer sip of the alcohol, then turned and followed after Daryl.
He was sitting on the couch, and once Beth turned off the kitchen light, it was mostly dark again. The TV was the brightest source of light in the small living room, which Daryl had unmuted, but the volume was still low while he channel surfed. Beth sat down on the couch, leaving an empty cushion between them. She didn't think to turn on the living room light because Daryl seemed content with the dim glow of the television screen.
They sat silently on the couch, sipping their drinks every couple of minutes and watching the screen as Daryl flipped through channels. He wouldn't settle on any particular channel or show to leave it on. Beth didn't care since she didn't really want to watch commercials either, but she glanced over and noticed he was downing his drink pretty quickly and his finger was pressing the button on the remote a little more aggressively than usual.
She bit her lip, watching him from the corner of her eye as he grew frustrated, then calmed, then became visibly frustrated again. When he reached the bottom of his glass – Beth still had a quarter of a glass left – she watched him get up and practically stomp to the kitchen. She could hear him making himself another drink, and then his footsteps wandered down to the end of the hall and she looked over to see what he was doing. He disappeared inside his bedroom and she started to wonder if he'd given up and gone to bed for the night.
But he reemerged a couple minutes later, having changed from his date outfit into sweatpants, a tank, and socks. He grabbed his drink from the kitchen and went back to his spot on the couch, plopping down onto the cushion and getting comfortable again. Beth couldn't help but notice that he'd sat down a few more inches closer to her, leaving a larger space between him and the other end of the couch, while the cushion that had been separating them became only half a cushion of empty space.
Stop reading into things so much, she scolded herself as she took a long swig from her glass.
"Oh – need a refill?" Daryl asked, looking over.
"Sure," Beth agreed, holding out the glass for him to take. He set his own down on the coffee table and went to the kitchen.
He returned shortly and handed her the fresh drink, sitting back down in the spot he'd been.
"Thanks," she said with a small smile, and he nodded.
She noticed that he didn't bother to sit closer to the other end of the couch again. The empty space on the cushion was shrinking.
Daryl leaned forward and grabbed his drink, but left the remote where it was even though there was a commercial break playing on the TV. Beth sipped her drink tentatively and watched him, and before he spoke, she could sense that he was building up to it.
"Ain't ever goin' on a damn date again," he mumbled, still leaning forward on the couch with his legs spread comfortably. He cradled the glass of whiskey in both hands and gazed down into the liquid.
Beth held back a smirk. She'd known better than to ask him if he wanted to talk, but he'd been very obviously bursting with unspoken words for the last fifteen minutes. It hadn't taken her long to learn that what he didn't say with his mouth, he would say with his body language. And sometimes it was more observable than others.
The frustration and disappointment was evident in his voice, though, and Beth spoke softly when she said, "It was that bad?"
Daryl huffed and took another swig of whiskey, then nodded. "Yeah. Couldn't stand her fer more than an hour. Mighta had Carol fooled, but she sure didn't put on an act for me. She's a dumb bitch."
Beth raised her eyebrows, surprised to hear him speaking like this about someone. It was making her grateful to be on his good side.
"Wow… what'd she do?" She asked.
He shook his head and sighed, then took another drink. He seemed to be slowly relaxing. "Nothin' in particular, jus' a real cunt."
Beth giggled, but abruptly stopped. She knew his frustration wasn't funny – she'd just been caught off-guard by his statement and it had immediately seemed funny to her. He turned his head and looked at her, and she covered her mouth with one hand.
"Sorry, that wasn't funny," she muttered, lowering her hand again.
But a smile formed on his lips and he chuckled. "What're you, thirteen?"
She smiled back and rolled her eyes playfully, "At heart. I didn't mean t'laugh, I just – I dunno, I've never heard you say that word before."
He shook his head as though she was just being silly, and she said more seriously, "Maybe she didn't do anythin' obvious, but… she must've been pretty bad if she made you this upset."
He turned his head back to gaze down at his drink again, appearing thoughtful for a moment before he said, "Meh, she was jus'… a nosey bitch. Real rude to the server fer no damn reason. Poor girl was just tryin' t'do her job… An' then we're talkin' an' I think we can talk 'bout… I dunno, whatever. She rides bikes, too, figured that'd be somethin' if nothin'. We both got kids, that's some shit most women wanna talk about. But then it was all about her ex. Wouldn't fuckin' shut up about him."
Beth listened intently, watching him tap his fingers against the sides of his glass as he talked.
"Wow, she kinda does sound like a cunt," she said quietly as he raised his glass to his lips for another swig.
He snorted and nearly choked on his whiskey, taking a moment to clear his throat and regain his composure before he turned to Beth with what she was now realizing was a drunken smile and said, "Alright, see – that word don't sound right comin' outta your mouth. 'S actually funny when you say cunt."
Beth giggled and felt the heat rising to her cheeks. Daryl had turned his body to face her on the couch and she shook her head, quickly taking another drink for the sake of having a distraction from her reddening face. Even in the dim glow of the TV, she could see that his cheeks were flushed and his eyes were watery, and she felt like he was smiling much more than he normally did. She also realized that she'd never seen him in this lighting or at this angle, and she glanced down to see that he had Malachi tattooed over his heart in small script – making her wonder how she had never noticed before.
She tried to keep her eyes focused on his, though.
"Okay, so she talked about her ex… an' you didn't tell her t'shut up? Or did you take my advice and just leave?" She asked, trying to keep a straight face while she maintained eye contact.
His goofy smile faded and he shrugged but continued, "Nah, I mean – I sat there fer a while, tried t'turn it around. I really did try t'give her a chance. But goddamn, she was unbearable… Didn't ask me shit about my kid, which is kinda weird 'cause he's part of the deal. All she wanted t'know was some stupid shit about my past. Kept askin' 'bout my parents an' my brother… Like I said, nosey bitch."
Beth furrowed her brow and her smile had disappeared completely. She asked, "Then what…?"
Daryl shrugged again, appearing a bit sheepish, but he continued anyway, "I dunno what it was, exactly. She said some stupid shit 'bout fathers and sons and started goin' back into how her ex an' her kid were so much alike. I was already 'bout two seconds from leavin' anyway, but then she tried t'say that all men are jus' like their dads, so I told her t'shut the fuck up already 'cause I was sick of hearin' about it. Then she said that I just proved her point… Started sayin' some other bullshit, but I didn't listen. Got up an' left. Went an' found the server and tipped her extra fer havin' t'deal with that cunt… Then I went t'the bar next door an' drank fer a few hours. Got a cab home… gonna have t'pick up my bike in the mornin', but I'd rather deal with that hassle than to have had t'sit an' listen to Ally talk fer another five minutes."
Beth's eyes were wide and staring at Daryl incredulously by the time he'd finished his story. He finally turned his head to meet her gaze and seemed to interpret her expression differently.
"I know, sounds stupid, probably don't make no sense," he said. "Maybe I was jus' bein' a dick 'cause she made a bad first impression. But… damn, I couldn't stand her."
Beth shook her head, "No, I think it makes perfect sense. That all sounds… pretty awful. I – um, I woulda left, too, honestly."
He raised his eyebrows, seeming a bit surprised. He mumbled, "Ya think so?"
She nodded in affirmation and he glanced at the floor thoughtfully, then back to her.
"Don't want Carol to be disappointed, but I can't really help it," he said.
Beth shrugged. "She'll understand. Sounds like she hasn't talked to Ally much, or else she woulda been able to guess that you guys wouldn't get along."
Daryl smirked. "Yer probably right."
"'Cept I dunno if she'll wanna babysit overnight again," Beth joked with a half-smile.
Daryl furrowed his brow. "What d'ya mean?"
"Uh – the party? Tara asked you already, right?" She reminded him.
A look of recognition crossed his face. "Oh – that. Yeah, I dunno. Haven't really decided if I actually wanna go. Might stay home an' have a Marvel marathon with Mal. I jus' told Tara I would so she'd stop blowin' up my phone while I was workin'."
Beth suddenly felt a twinge of disappointment. "Oh – really? That sucks… I think Tara really wants me an' Clem to go, so I think I might take a cab or somethin'."
He raised his eyebrows. "You an' Clem – so ya got the coffee today?"
The memory of the coffee delivery earlier that day clicked in Beth's head and she quickly said, "Oh yeah – I forgot t'tell you thanks for that. I actually really needed it. How much was it? I need t'pay you back."
Daryl gave a half-smile. "Don't worry 'bout it. An' I know Clem ain't doin' nothin' else with her time but homework anyway. Figured she wouldn't mind helpin' ya out."
Beth chuckled. "Yeah, I guess. We talked for a little while, Tara stopped by t'tell us about the surprise party. I probably would've forgotten about the text she sent me this mornin' otherwise."
"Huh, gettin' pretty friendly with the help now, huh?" Daryl joked, making Beth laugh. She was beginning to enjoy this goofier, more open side of him.
"Yeah, ya know, your little power group of ladies that you introduced me to," she said, grinning. "Ya should go. They seem t'really like you, ya know."
She thought she saw him blush before he turned his head and took another drink. Then he shrugged and said, "'Spose I could make an appearance. Ain't makin' any promises, though."
Beth smiled, "Just sayin', I'd rather ride on the back of a bike than in the back of a cab – but if ya don't wanna stay out past your bedtime, I understand."
He looked at her with a goofy, bewildered expression and said jokingly, "Alright, Rosie, no need t'start the shit talkin' already!"
She laughed, but for a second, she wanted so badly to hear him call her Beth.
"Like you said, depends on whether Carol wants t'take the kid again," Daryl continued, pausing to take another drink. "Wouldn't blame her if she ends up pissed at me fer walkin' out on her bitchy friend."
Beth shrugged. "Jus' tell her what you told me about how it went. I don't see why she wouldn't understand."
He grunted indifferently and drained the rest of his glass, sitting forward on the couch again, then said, "Everybody ain't so understandin'… She's been tryin' t'set me up fer months..."
She didn't say anything, sensing that he had more to say about his bad evening.
There was a long pause, then his tone lowered as he went on, "Shit like tonight was why I always said no. Ain't like I haven't thought about it – all the datin' sites an' shit they got now… But I know how people are. Don't really see the need for puttin' myself through more disappointment than I need to… I knew better'n to get my hopes up, but that don't mean I didn't – eh, I dunno... Whatever. I ain't tryin' t'rant about it."
Beth pursed her lips and swallowed hard, watching him stare down into his glass and chew on his bottom lip thoughtfully.
"It's not easy t'find… other people like you. But that don't mean ya shouldn't try," she muttered, still staring at him.
He glanced at her and then back down to his empty glass, pausing for a moment in contemplation. "I'unno. Got lucky with my ex, I s'pose. Had a lot in common, met at the bar – of all places. Yeah, we fought, but we never gave up on each other... Not fer a while, anyway. Seems like ya can't find that anymore… Makes ya not even wanna try."
Beth shrugged, "Guess I couldn't really argue with that considerin' my luck so far."
Daryl finally cracked a small smile and looked over to see Beth's drink was almost gone.
"Want another?" He asked, gesturing to the glass in her hand.
She looked down and realized she only had a sip left, so she nodded and handed the glass to Daryl as he stood up and headed to the kitchen.
She gazed blankly at the TV as a late night talk show played at low volume. She could hear the sounds of clinking glass and cupboard doors from the kitchen.
Then she heard Daryl's voice call out, "Still got that guitar?"
Beth turned her head toward the kitchen to see him walking toward her, two fresh drinks in hand.
She nodded, "Yeah, why?"
He held out her glass and she took it, then he paused in front of the couch and said, "Well, I ain't got a jukebox. Feel like playin' somethin'?"
She felt herself starting to blush again and said, "Um – sure."
He gestured for her to go grab it and she set her drink down on the coffee table before hopping up off the couch and going to her bedroom to retrieve the guitar. When she came back out, guitar in hand, she saw that he was standing at the coat rack by the door, fiddling with his leather jacket.
"Got any requests?" She asked playfully, stopping at the coffee table to take a quick swig from her glass for courage, then taking her seat back on the couch and situating herself with the guitar in her lap.
"Know any Tom Petty?" He asked, walking back to the couch to join her.
"'Course. Only a couple, though," Beth replied.
She had been looking down at the guitar when Daryl approached, and when she looked up, he was standing before her with something in his hand, holding it out for her to take. She looked at it quizzically, then realized it was a small package of three guitar picks.
"Almost forgot – grabbed these for ya," he grumbled, and she took the small, plastic pack from his hand. Their fingers grazed for a split-second and she felt that damned fluttering in her stomach again.
"Oh, wow. Thank you," she said, smiling. She looked up to see that he was avoiding her eyes and he sat back down on the couch, leaving a full cushion of space between them – but mostly because the guitar took up a lot of room.
"Ain't a big deal," he muttered as he grabbed his glass from the coffee table. "Jus' thought ya might need some. I know they can break pretty quick sometimes."
Beth couldn't seem to wipe the smile from her face. She ripped open the package and pulled out a brand new pick, then ran it across the strings enthusiastically.
"Alright," she started, finding the correct placement for her fingers on the frets as she began to strum the beginning chords of a familiar Tom Petty song, still smiling. Her head was starting to swim from the alcohol. "This one's fer you, Daryl."
He leaned back into the end of the couch so he could face her while she played, and she saw the sly smile on his face when she made her playful dedication. But he didn't tear his eyes away from her the entire time she played, clutching his glass in his hand and appearing captivated.
Beth lowered her eyelids and tried to focus on the swimmy feeling in her head rather than the pair of intense, dark blue eyes that were on her. As she strummed the chords and began to sing the song, she felt herself relaxing and opening up to the music.
"She's a go-od girl, loves her mama… loves Jesus, and America too," Beth sang softly. "She's a go-od girl, crazy 'bout Elvis. Loves horses, and her boyfriend, too…"
She could still feel his gaze on her, but she was caring less and less. Her singing grew just a little louder with each line, and by the time she was at the chorus, she had put all her self-consciousness aside and became focused on the music pouring out of her.
"…And I'm free-e-e… free fallin'," she sang, hands moving on their own accord. "Yeah, I'm free-e-e… free fa-allin'…"
She still didn't dare raise her eyelids or her head to check Daryl's expression, but she could see his fingers tapping the sides of his glass rhythmically along with the song.
"…All the vampires, walkin' through the valley… move west down Ventura Boulevard," she sang, letting the emotion put itself into the words without fear of how she sounded. She almost forgot Daryl was there for a split-second. "And all the ba-ad boys, are standin' in the shadows… And all the go-od girls, are home with broken hearts… And I'm free-e-e…"
When she got past the second chorus and began singing the next verse, she finally raised her head and looked back at Daryl, who still had his eyes locked onto her as she played and sang, "I wanna glide down, over Mulholland… I wanna wri-ite her, name in the sky-y… I'm gonna fre-ee fall, out into nothin'… Gonna le-eave this, world for a while…"
He still looked entranced by her, and he was nodding his head along to the music and tapping his fingers on the glass in his hands. By the time she got to the last chorus, he was mouthing some of the song along with her and acting like he was watching his own personal concert.
"…And I'm free-e-e… Free fa-allin'…"
Beth strummed the last chord and did a dramatic ending note before grinning goofily and laying the guitar down across her lap. Daryl immediately set his glass between his thighs and clapped drunkenly.
"Sorry, I know you probably weren't anticipatin' the most basic Tom Petty song," she joked, setting the guitar down on the floor a few feet away so that it rested against the edge of the coffee table. She grabbed her glass and took a drink, finding her throat to be dry after all the singing.
He chuckled. "Nah, it was good. Even better than a jukebox."
She felt her cheeks growing hot again – which was really getting frustrating – and she smiled sheepishly. "Thanks."
Daryl smirked and nodded, then furrowed his brow as he gazed at her face, setting his sight on a spot just below her eyes. "What's – ? Ya got somethin' on yer face."
Beth gave him a quizzical look and reached a hand up to feel her cheeks, making an attempt at rubbing away whatever smudge he'd seen. "Did I get it? What is it?"
He laughed and scooted over closer to lean in, closing the arm's length of distance that had been between them. "Oh m'god, you are thirteen, I think it's pizza sauce. Yer messier than my toddler!"
She laughed with him, "Okay, well I can't see it!"
Still chuckling, he reached a hand up cautiously, "Here – lemme get it. 'S just a spot."
She paused and held completely still as he carefully pressed his thumb across her cheek, wiping away whatever smudge of pizza sauce had been there.
She was still smiling from the laughter, as was he, and now that he was so close to her, she could see how flushed his face was from the alcohol. She watched his smile fade as he hesitated, hand still hovering near her face.
"…Did you get it?" She asked quietly.
Beth didn't know what exactly happened next. She couldn't explain it – one second, they'd been laughing, and suddenly, everything was different.
Both their smiles disappeared, but their eyes were still locked in a deep stare. Daryl glanced at the spot on her cheek, but then he wasn't glancing at her cheek at all.
She saw his lips part as the words caught on his tongue.
He breathed out, barely more than a whisper, "Can I kiss you?"
Without a second thought, she whispered softly, "Yes."
And then he was leaning in, fingers gently touching the side of her face as he filled the space that separated them. She saw dark hair and hooded blue eyes, and then she closed her own eyes and smelled whiskey and leather and stale cigarettes.
Then his lips were on hers, but it felt like silk against her skin. He kissed her so softly and so gently that she leaned into him just to feel his whole mouth against hers. The fluttering in her stomach had morphed into a hurricane, and she felt like she was standing at the very top of the Empire State Building looking down.
Daryl's fingertips grazed the soft skin of her cheek and jawline, and she shivered against his touch. He pressed his lips against hers just a little harder, and she returned the gesture. At this point, she'd forgotten about the rest of her body as one hand clutched her drink absent-mindedly and the other rested on her lap.
Her heart was pounding against the inside of her chest, and the hair on Daryl's face tickled, but not enough to bother her. She couldn't think of anything else except this exact moment. All the nagging voices before, everything inside her that had told her no, stay away, don't let yourself think like that were all silenced and sleeping right now.
She didn't know how much time passed. It all felt like an eternity and a fleeting moment at the same time. But after a bit, Daryl began to part his lips and she had already been thinking of doing the same. His tongue found its way past her lips and his fingers took grasp of the side of her face just a little more intently. She leaned into it and allowed their tongues to dance together inside their mouths while he held the side of her face, his hair grazing and tickling her other cheek. His hand was calloused but warm and inviting against her skin. Goosebumps appeared all over her arms and didn't go away.
Daryl's breathing grew heavier, as did Beth's, and their kiss grew deeper and deeper. She felt the familiar tingling between her legs, and the subsequent ache, but her mind couldn't focus on anything except Daryl's mouth. Then she felt his hand let go of her face and drift downwards until it was resting on her thigh, a few inches above where her own hand rested.
And then his warm fingers were slowly, purposefully inching their way up to the warmth between her legs.
Beth didn't consciously object to his attempt. In fact, the deepest part of her was absolutely begging for it.
But her body reacted on its own, and before she could think about it or approach it gently, she found herself jumping back on the couch – breaking their kiss and jerking away from Daryl, as though she'd just had an electrical shock.
Her eyes flew open and she found him staring at her, frozen, his hand still held out as he tried to process what had happened.
The look on her face must've explained everything – even though she didn't particularly want it to – because Daryl's face fell and he immediately looked apologetic.
"I – I'm sorry," Beth choked out, her lips still tingling. She was instinctively clenching her legs together but didn't know why, and now her heart was beating rapidly from fear rather than excitement.
Daryl pursed his lips and shook his head. "No – it was my bad. I'm – s-sorry, I shouldn't've…"
A tightness was swelling in her chest and she felt the horrible shame falling down upon her. Seeing the look on Daryl's face and knowing she had no way of explaining how she really felt was already making her feel terribly guilty.
She should've never let him get so close. She should've known better.
She opened her mouth to speak, but the words left her as soon as she did so, "I…"
Daryl watched her and waited to hear what she'd say, but when he realized she was even more speechless than he was, he looked away awkwardly and stood up.
"I – uh – gotta get t'bed," he muttered, setting his glass down on the coffee table and turning to head for the hall. "'Night."
A couple of seconds later, she heard his bedroom door slam shut.
to be continued…
A/N: So I think this was my first time EVER writing a Bethyl first kiss during a slow burn. Let me know what you think about how it came out!
And as always, let me know if you spot any mistakes or inconsistencies that I may have overlooked! Thanks for reading :)