thoughts of moving forward with the fear of falling;
Beth spent the rest of Malachi's nap time at Carol's, mostly sitting in silence and watching TV while she ate the food Carol pushed on her. Before she left, she'd accepted a sandwich out of politeness. But once she was back inside apartment 3A, she found herself grateful for having eaten it. Her stomach felt more settled despite the raging storm that continued inside her head.
Carol had urged her to stop by the next morning and discuss her next move. Beth agreed, but she had a feeling that Carol was expecting her to change her mind. Beth hoped it wouldn't stop Carol from contacting her friend, because she definitely didn't plan on changing her mind overnight. She'd known, somewhere in her head, that this was the only real choice. But her conversation with Carol had cemented it. And Beth was nothing if not stubborn – her family would attest to that.
Would… if they could.
Maybe they are. I can see Maggie spittin' in the pigs' faces and telling them they'll never find me unless I wanna be found, she thought with the tiniest smirk.
She felt tired again after all the emotional and mental energy she'd spent. But she was starting to understand that it was probably the pregnancy, as well. The little parasite inside her had sapped her of energy for at least the last week. She wound up napping for a couple of hours, dozing on the couch before she moved to her bed. The conversation with Carol kept replaying in her mind every moment that she was awake, and the weight of her decision was heavy inside her chest.
The only thing that distracted her, besides sleep, was finding a text message back from Daryl. It had taken him a few hours and Beth had nearly forgotten he'd texted her in the first place. She read:
Busy as hell. I'll make supper when I get home. See you tonight.
She smiled weakly to herself but decided against responding, not wanting to bother him while he was working. But six o'clock still seemed so far away.
When she found herself lying in bed, staring at the wall and wishing Daryl and Malachi would walk through the door, she picked up her phone again and began researching everything she could find about abortion. It only took about fifteen minutes of that before she was turning over and closing her eyes again, fighting the rising bile in her throat. Her thighs were instinctively clenched together.
She dozed on and off as the apartment grew darker, the sun setting outside. At one point, she awoke to find another new text message. This one was from Clementine, and it read:
We're going to go get lunch together after class on Saturday if you want to come. And I think I might be free on Friday ! Want to hang out then?
Beth blinked and adjusted her eyes, taking a moment to wake up and comprehend what she'd read. Then she sleepily typed out a response that said, "Sounds great. Friday would be cool! Lmk if you can."
She pressed Send and tossed her phone aside again, rolling over and quickly drifting off.
Somehow, she fell into a deep sleep this time, and it kept her in a dark and dreamless state for several hours. By the time she opened her eyes again, her bedroom was completely dark and she could hear the faint sound of the TV coming from the living room. She blinked in confusion and stretched out her stiff muscles, rolling over and looking at the clock. She was shocked to see that it was 8:45.
How did I stay asleep so long? She wondered, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She ran a hand through her messy hair and grabbed her phone to find no new messages.
Disappointed in herself for sleeping well past Malachi's bedtime and missing out on dinner and reading, Beth got up and wandered to the bedroom door. She opened it slowly and quietly, peeking her head out to see Daryl sitting on the couch in the living room. He didn't seem to hear or notice her until she approached the couch and sat down beside him, leaving a few inches of space between their legs.
"Hey," he said quietly, looking at her.
She met his gaze to find him studying her, and she gave him a weak smile. "Hey."
He raised an eyebrow and asked, "Ya alright?"
Beth nodded. "Yeah – sorry, I fell asleep. I dunno what happened…"
"Checked in on ya when supper was ready, but ya didn't budge an' you looked pretty tired, so I left ya be," he explained, his voice hushed. "Left a plate in the microwave, if yer hungry."
She smiled again without much effort. "Thanks. I guess I didn't even hear you. Sorry…"
Daryl shrugged. "Don't worry 'bout it. Sure yer alright?"
No, Beth thought.
"Yeah, 'course," she said, pausing only for a second before adding, "How was work?"
"Good. Kept me busy," he grumbled, studying her face again.
She glanced behind the couch toward the coat rack by the front door and saw the wings of the vest facing outward from where it hung neatly on the rack. She looked back to Daryl and raised her eyebrows. "Did Dwight like your vest?"
Daryl smirked and his expression looked content and sleepy as he gazed back at her. "Yeah. Like a blast from the past – he thought I'd found a duplicate, but I told him it's gotta be the same one. And it is."
Beth furrowed her brow. "From Georgia? He recognized it?"
He nodded. "It was the uh, only thing my brother ever really gave me. 'Fore he got inta drugs an' all that shit… his initials are still sewn inta the inside of it. Real small, hard ta find, but it's there."
"Oh," she said quietly, unsure of how else to react. At least that explained the deeper meaning it held. She hadn't intended to gift him a giant piece of nostalgia, but it seemed to have reminded him of better times rather than worse, so she couldn't be upset.
A few seconds of silence passed, then Daryl said, more quietly, "Sometimes I think Luce mighta donated it on purpose. She didn't want me fallin' back inta the place I was at when I lived in Georgia. Jus' wanted t'protect me, I reckon…"
Beth could tell there was a lot more darkness in Daryl's past that was going untold, but she didn't pry. She was almost reeling from hearing him speak his ex's name aloud. But she just nodded and replied softly, "She loved you… only makes sense she'd wanna try to protect you."
He nodded and leaned forward, reaching out and picking up a small glass of whiskey he had sitting on the coffee table and taking a sip. Then he swiftly leaned back, glass in one hand, and let himself slide a few inches closer to Beth, closing the distance between them until his leg was touching hers. He rested his other hand gently on her thigh and she felt her cheeks heating up.
The parasite inside her was quiet and nearly forgotten while she sat in comfortable silence with Daryl and idly watched a rerun of that zombie show he liked. They remained like that for at least twenty minutes, content with each other's presence. And for possibly the first time, Beth wasn't thinking about any sort of tension between them – sexual or otherwise. With everything else on her mind, sex was about the last thing she had any desire for at the moment. It was comforting just to sit with someone who was warm and made her feel safe and relaxed.
Her stomach was feeling rather empty so she eventually stood up and wandered into the kitchen to find the plate of dinner that Daryl had left for her in the microwave. It was still luke warm, so she heated it up for about thirty seconds. While the microwave whirred, she stepped closer to the couch and glanced at the glass resting on the coffee table.
"Need another?" She asked, pointing to it as Daryl turned around in his seat to look at her.
He glanced toward the glass, then reached over and grabbed it, handing it to her. "Sure – thanks."
Beth nodded and smiled, returning to the kitchen to pour a little more whiskey into the glass and retrieve her warm plate from the microwave. She returned to the living room and handed him his drink, hearing him grumble out, "Thanks." Then she sat down next to him, making sure to get just as close as before, and perched the plate on her lap while she slowly ate, absent-mindedly watching TV at the same time.
She was grateful for Daryl's cooking because it seemed to be just the right thing to agree with her stomach tonight, and she looked over at him between bites to give him a small smile.
"Thanks for leavin' me a plate," she said, stabbing her fork into another piece of food.
He nodded and sipped his whiskey. "Don't mention it. Good ta see ya eatin'."
After swallowing another bite, she frowned and looked at him again. "Did you guys read without me?"
She couldn't hide the hint of disappointment in her voice, and she was sure Daryl noticed it because he smirked a little.
"No, we watched a movie tonight," he assured her. "Kid didn't even want me ta read this time. Said if it wasn't you, then he'd rather jus' skip it altogether."
Beth couldn't hold back a giggle at hearing this. "No, he didn't…?"
Daryl nodded. "Oh, he did. That boy gets dramatic, trust me."
She chuckled again and he joined her, but a part of her was happy that Malachi seemed to like her as much as she liked him.
Or was that something she should be concerned about…?
Beth finished her plate with a lingering smile on her face, feeling Daryl's eyes on her every couple of minutes. When she was done, she took the plate to the kitchen and grabbed a water before returning to her spot on the couch. She wasn't sure if it was the food or something else, but she felt more relaxed than she had all day. The dread that was consistently building inside her seemed to be sleeping for now. She knew it would poke its head back up once the sun rose, but for now, she could enjoy another night of something that resembled normalcy. With Daryl.
They continued watching TV in comfortable silence, and Beth eventually leaned into Daryl until his arm was around her and she was scooted in close against his side. He sipped whiskey from the glass in his other hand and occasionally chuckled at something in the show. The time slipped by before she'd even noticed it. She was enveloped in a private cocoon of contentment, made up of Daryl's warmth and the smell of leather and whiskey and whatever soap he'd used that evening.
Her eyelids grew heavy and she was struggling to stay awake, the combination of Daryl's body heat and her level of comfort lulling her into sleep. His fingers absent-mindedly traced up and down on her arm and sent soothing tingles through her body. She could feel herself falling asleep for the hundredth time in one day, but then her eyes were far too weak to stay open and she wasn't fighting it anymore.
Beth's eyes fluttered open and she awoke to find the apartment still dark, but it was much later. She was no longer nuzzled into Daryl's side, but stretched out on the couch, on her back with Daryl practically wrapped around her and his head resting on her chest. She quickly realized he'd fallen asleep, too, and she glanced around to see that the TV was still on, playing informercials now, and the glass of whiskey was sitting empty on the coffee table. Then she saw the clock and blinked her eyes until she could make out the numbers to find that it was 1:34.
Daryl was still breathing steadily and Beth didn't want to wake him, but her leg was stuck beneath him at an odd angle and a serious cramp was developing. She also knew he had to work in the morning and probably didn't want to sleep on the couch all night. So, hesitantly, she began nudging him, starting out gently and growing a bit more persistent until he was coming to and opening his eyes. He slowly lifted his head and groaned in exhaustion, looking around like Beth had done just a moment before.
It took a few seconds, but Daryl oriented himself and sat up, freeing Beth's leg and allowing her to sit up as well. She sighed in relief and he rubbed his eyes, then looked over at her in a sleepy haze.
"Shit," he grumbled. "Guess we both fell asleep."
Beth cleared her throat. "Yeah. You were really comfy, I couldn't help it."
He grunted in a half-chuckle, reaching over and grabbing the remote to turn off the TV. "Better get t'bed. Gotta be up in a few hours."
She nodded and rubbed her eyes, standing up and stretching out the rest of her body. Daryl stood and picked up his empty glass, taking it to the kitchen while Beth headed toward her bedroom.
She hesitated and left her bedroom door open for a bit, but then she saw the rest of the lights in the living room being turned off and heard his footsteps heading back to the bedroom at the end of the hall. She reminded herself that they were still roommates and she shouldn't expect much more, especially so soon. She wasn't even sure why she'd left the door open in the first place.
After shutting her bedroom door and turning off the bedside lamp, Beth crawled into bed and relaxed into the mattress. It was miles better than the couch, but it felt cold. And her stomach was beginning to wake up and grow angry again, making her regret getting up and moving at all. She wished she'd just stayed on the couch with Daryl and gone back to sleep.
She picked up her phone and scrolled through the news sites for a few minutes, though she didn't find anything and hadn't expected to anyway. Her mind was awake and overworking again and she was desperate to ease it. Sometimes she just had to lie there and take the silent self-punishment for a while until she could drift off.
Her phone sat on the nightstand, dark and quiet like the rest of the bedroom. Beth closed her eyes and tried to focus on steadying her breathing. She could still smell that familiar scent she attributed to Daryl.
Then there was a sound at the door and her eyes popped open, heart racing for just a second until she saw the shaggy-haired silhouette slipping inside her bedroom. He left the door ajar and moved silently across the carpet, no more than a sliver of the stove light leaking into the bedroom. It was so dark, she figured he probably couldn't even see that her eyes were open and staring at him as he approached. Then he was right beside the bed and leaning down, reaching out carefully, and she was able to see his face and his sleep-mussed hair.
"Scoot over," he whispered out, placing his hand gently on her arm through the comforter. He met her eyes and she realized he'd somehow known she was still awake.
Beth was smiling as she scooted backward across the mattress. Once she made room, Daryl lifted the edge of the comforter and slipped into bed beneath it, scooting in close to her. Then they were cuddled together, much like they'd been on the couch. He was even warmer than before, and the bed didn't feel nearly as cold anymore.
"Thought you'd wanna sleep in your own bed for a night," she whispered, her words landing softly on the pillows beneath their heads.
He turned his head to face her and she saw how low his eyelids were drooping. His voice was heavy with sleep when he whispered back, "Jus' had ta check on the kid. Ya want me t'sleep in my own bed?"
Beth smirked again. "No."
He turned his head back and closed his eyes, grunting out, "Me either."
There was a sheepish smile appearing on Beth's face but Daryl wasn't looking at her anymore. She pressed herself closer against him and rested her head on his chest, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply. His broad chest relaxed beneath her and he brought a hand up to gently grab her chin and nudge her to face him.
She did, lifting her head slightly and turning to look at him, finding his eyes open and staring down at her from beneath the same heavy eyelids. His lips were barely parted and she stared at him questioningly for a second, his thumb and index finger still lightly holding her chin. Then he craned his neck to lean in and kiss her and she quickly closed her eyes to kiss him back. He lingered on her mouth, breathing her in much like the way she subconsciously breathed him in.
When they parted, his fingers lingered on her chin and he gazed down at her with an expression she couldn't quite recognize. No one had ever looked at her like that, let alone a man. She didn't know how to interpret it… but it felt nice. Really nice.
"Been waitin' for you t'do that all day," she whispered with a half-smile.
He smirked, his gaze deepening for a moment and sending chills down her arms. Then he tore his eyes off of her to rest his head back against the pillow and close them again. Beth followed suit, her head returning to its spot on his chest. Her stomach was still fluttering, but it wasn't trying to evacuate its contents for a change.
She relaxed without having to think about it. There was a warmth running through her that had been sparked by the look Daryl had on his face as he stared back at her in the dark. And just like the meaning of his expression, she couldn't quite place what this feeling was. Then her mind slowed along with her breathing and heartrate, and Beth fell asleep before she could really commit the feeling to memory.
Beth only dipped into consciousness long enough to feel Daryl giving her a kiss goodbye and hear him whisper, "See ya tonight." And when she actually woke up, it took her a while to figure out whether it had really happened or if she'd just dreamt it. But then she found a text message on her phone from Daryl, which had coincidentally arrived just a few minutes before she awoke. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and read:
Let me know if you need anything tonight.
This assured her that she hadn't dreamt up his goodbye kiss. She set her phone aside and took a few more moments to wake up, but her stomach was beginning to form knots at the thought of what the day might hold. It was shortly after nine in the morning, so she decided to get up and get dressed before she drifted off again. She knew that if she fell back to sleep, she wouldn't wake until noon.
After a quick shower, Beth put on some clothes and made herself presentable while a fresh pot of coffee brewed. By the time she'd finished a cup – only fighting the urge to vomit about three times – she headed across the hall to Carol's with nothing more than the phone in her pocket. The coffee was sloshing around angrily in her stomach and she tried to ignore the burning at the back of her throat. She needed the caffeine too badly to pass up coffee today.
As she stood in front of the door to 3B and knocked, that familiar cramp appeared below her abdomen. She bit down on her lip, wanting nothing more than to punch herself in the gut right now.
Just shut up, just go away, she thought scornfully. Aren't you making me sick enough as it is…
Carol appeared with a smile and urged Beth inside. "You want some breakfast? Juice? Milk?"
Beth shrugged and approached the bar of the kitchen, hesitantly sitting atop one of the seats. "Um, I'm not feelin' that great this morning but yeah, I'll take some toast, I guess… Thank you."
Carol nodded in understanding and went into the kitchen, setting about making Beth some toast and pouring her a glass of something that looked like it was probably ginger ale. Beth looked around, finding the TV still playing cartoons on mute but no sign of Malachi.
She turned back to look at Carol and started, "Where's – "
Carol met Beth's eyes and pressed a finger to her own lips briefly, then said in a slightly hushed voice, "I put him in Sophia's room with the iPad when I saw you were here. I almost never let him use it, so he'll be distracted while we talk."
Beth nodded and she understood that neither of them needed to explain aloud why they were keeping Beth's visit a bit of a secret from the toddler. The last thing Beth needed right now was more questions from Daryl. She was grateful to Carol for thinking to prepare beforehand. She hated to admit it, but she'd been a little worried, at first, that confiding in Carol would eventually lead back to Daryl. But it seemed that she was taking this very seriously, and didn't consider Daryl to be a part of it at all – which he wasn't.
Either way, Beth was grateful for Carol's generosity and compassion. Once again, she couldn't help but think that God had blessed her in at least a few ways. But at this point, was it to give her a fighting chance, or just to watch her struggle all that much more? Like those old cartoons where they'd dangle a carrot in front of the horse to get it running faster.
Carol placed a small plate with two pieces of perfectly buttered, golden-brown toast on the counter in front of Beth, along with a tall glass of what turned out to be nothing less than ginger ale. Beth smiled and thanked her, then tentatively nibbled on the toast and took a few sips of the ginger ale. It actually turned out to be a good defense against her nausea, at least for the time being.
She idly watched the short-haired woman moving about the kitchen, cleaning up dishes and leisurely wiping down countertops. She was beginning to wonder if she'd have to bring it up first, but then Carol spoke as she poured herself a cup of coffee.
"I called my friend last night," she said, glancing over and briefly meeting Beth's eyes to check that she was listening. "She said we can stop by this afternoon, if you want."
Beth's eyes widened and she looked down at the plate in front of her, the toast suddenly becoming bland in her mouth. She forced down the bite and asked, "That soon…?"
Carol approached the opposite side of the bar and set her mug down on the countertop, facing Beth and resting her elbows on the edge of the bar. "Oh – no, it'd just be for a blood test and a pelvic exam. Only if you want, though. If you need more time…"
"Oh, right," Beth mumbled, still staring down at her plate and holding the toast meaninglessly in her hand. Of course they'd want to do a real test and see how far along she was. How could she forget that part. "No – yeah, that'd be good. Let's – today would… work."
"Like I said, if you need more time," Carol started.
Beth finally lifted her head and looked back at Carol, hoping her face was showing something close to determination. "No, I wanna get it over with. I mean, this is step one, right?"
Carol pursed her lips and nodded, then smiled softly. "Right. Then we can go from there."
Beth nodded and set her toast down, looking away from Carol's eyes and busying herself with taking another drink. But a large knot had formed in her throat and now she was dreading every single part of this. Her heart raced at the thought of looking at a black-and-white blob on a monitor and knowing that it was hers. Her… something. Her parasite. Her mistake. Her violation, emobodied. Somehow, not being able to see it was the only thing keeping it from being really real.
A long moment of tense silence passed, then Beth asked, "Where's it at?"
"The Bronx," Carol replied, sipping her coffee. "We can take the bus. You have a metro card, right?"
Beth blinked and looked at Carol awkwardly. "Uh… no? I've been taking cabs…"
Carol smiled, excitement showing on her face. "Perfect! I'll just borrow Sophia's for you today and then I can show you how to get around the city like a real New Yorker."
Beth grimaced and Carol chuckled.
"If you absolutely hate it, we can get a cab home," she assured Beth. "But I'm not payin' for that. A cab from here to the Bronx is pricey. Won't take that long on the bus either."
Beth still wasn't sure. All she could think of was all the sketchy people she'd always heard about, the kinds who took public transportation and preyed on young, seemingly defenseless girls like Beth in big cities like New York. Not to mention, all the cameras. She'd avoided the subway system mostly for that exact reason. Well, that and the fact that the concept of travelling underground just kind of sketched her out. She had no desire to become a "real New Yorker" anyway – even though Clementine and Carol seemed to think she did. She didn't even plan to be here half a year, why did it matter?
At the moment, though, Beth needed all the help she could get. So she just nodded and tried to tell herself it would work out okay. Besides, a public bus didn't sound so bad. It wasn't likely to have cameras, she knew that much.
Beth left apartment 3B and returned home without Malachi ever knowing she'd been there. Carol had instructed her to go home and try to feel better before she came back, then they would leave together and take the bus to the Bronx to meet Carol's friend at her clinic. Apparently, Sophia had a half-day at school today and would be home shortly after noon, so she would watch Malachi for a couple of hours.
Beth didn't want to lie down or try to distract herself, though. Instead, she immediately set about pulling out the box of hair color she'd bought and following the instructions to darken her hair again. The blonde was showing through in the sunlight and she didn't want to take any chances in a new part of the city.
By the time Beth had finished with her hair, it was time to gather up her things and prepare to leave. She put in a pair of brown contacts, simultaneously preparing a lie in her head if Carol asked – hopefully she'd empathize with Beth's level of paraoia, but there was a chance she'd be a little suspicious of it. Beth grabbed the bag and got ready to throw it onto her back, but then she stopped. Now that she was really thinking about it, she would be in a new part of the city, taking public transportation and entering a building she'd never even seen before. And then she'd inevitably be taking off at least half her clothes at one point or another, and who knew if this building had metal detectors that would pick up on the Beretta. Not only was the gun-holstering undershirt out of the question, but so was the bag full of cash. Plus, she didn't feel comfortable leaving the gun by itself in the drawer, or even shoved beneath her pillow anymore.
So she pulled out a wad of cash – at least fifteen of the hundred-dollar bills – and stuffed them into her shoe, then carefully stashed away the Beretta in its safe spot nestled amongst the wads of money. She closed the bag tightly and tucked it neatly into the far back corner of the dresser drawer, shutting the drawer tightly. The photo and pocket watch were stuffed inside the bag, too.
Even though all her prior knowledge would tell her to keep the bag and gun on her at all times, especially when wandering to a new part of the city with a person she didn't actually know all that well, she inexplicably felt that these vital pieces of evidence were safer in the apartment. She couldn't tell if she was growing too comfortable and reliant, or if she was adapting her survival techniques. Maybe a little bit of both.
Her hand was on the doorknob and she was about to open the door and leave when she felt the familiar itching on her wrist and she glanced down, reminded of her not-so-discreet scar. She was also reminded of the last paragraph of the latest news article. With a sigh, she turned back around and went to her bedroom. She rifled through the array of various clothing items she'd bought at the thrift store, half of which she still hadn't had a chance to wear yet. Then she spotted the corner of the black bandana she faintly remembered grabbing amongst the armfuls of second-hand clothing and pulled it out.
It was dark black, probably never used for anything before, and decorated with tiny white wings and skulls. She'd thought it was cute at the time and had no intended purpose for its use, especially since it appeared to be half the size of a normal bandana and would never fit around her head. It was an impulse buy during her small spree. But now she realized it was perfect for something else.
Beth folded the thin cloth of the bandana carefully, then wrapped it around her left wrist, strategically covering the scar – including the tiny, white dots along each side from the stitches Maggie had put in. Then she tied a tiny knot at the side of her wrist and tucked it in. It was just wide enough to cover the scar while remaining thin enough to look like an everyday accessory.
And it kept her from scratching at it or rubbing it or otherwise bringing any attention to its existence.
With the black leather jacket on over her T-shirt, dark sunglasses resting atop her head, money stuffed into her shoe and phone stuffed into her pocket, Beth finally left apartment 3A and locked up behind her. She walked across the hall to the door of 3B and knocked, finding herself feeling much less nervous to see Carol again and worrying more about their upcoming trek. Her hair was still a bit damp from rinsing out the color and she ran her fingers through it nervously.
But Carol greeted Beth with her usual warm smile and turned around to say goodbye to Sophia one last time, reminding her to call if there were any issues, before stepping out into the hall with Beth and closing the door behind her. She was still dressed in the same clothes as earlier, with the addition of a light cardigan and her purse. The two women walked together down the hall and the stairs in silence, passing through the lobby. Beth saw a man standing at the mailboxes who she'd never seen before, but she remembered that there were plenty of other tenants living on the first two floors that she hadn't seen yet.
Beth glanced at him as they passed and saw that he was tall and looked to be around Daryl's age, maybe a little younger, with milky white skin and short brown hair. He turned his head to look at Beth and Carol as they passed, and his eyes skimmed right over Beth to stop on Carol. He smiled briefly.
"Hey, Carol," the man greeted cheerfully over his shoulder as Carol breezed behind him toward the front door.
"Hey, Gareth, good t'see ya," Carol replied, turning back to flash him a polite smile while she held the door open for Beth.
The women stepped outside and the doors fell shut behind them as they began strolling down the sidewalk. There was a brisk chill in the air, but the day was warm from the sun. It beat down on the city from behind a scattering of broken clouds. Beth left her jacket open to ward off the heat and put her sunglasses on over her eyes, then glanced at Carol.
"Neighbor?" She asked casually, walking quickly to keep up with the older woman's pace.
Carol looked over at her and nodded. "Yeah, he lives on the first floor. I think his mom's sick, he hasn't been around much lately."
"Hmm," Beth made a thoughtful sound of acknowledgment and went back to staring straight ahead as they walked.
After a few moments of walking in silence, both women paying more attention to the busy Thursday afternoon happening all around them, Carol spoke. She walked a little closer to Beth's side, leaning in so they could hear each other clearly.
"How're you feeling today?" She asked.
Beth shrugged, glancing over at her. "I'm okay."
Carol nodded but didn't push it. "We just have a few more blocks to walk, then we'll be at the bus stop. It's about an hour ride, but it's pretty much a straight shot so we only have t'take two buses."
Beth grew nervous at the talk of their commute, but she knew she'd just have to push through it. This would probably end up being the easiest part of the day, after all.
They waited at the bus stop for only about fifteen minutes, Carol idly explaining some of the lesser-known facts of the city while Beth half-listened and nodded, gazing around at buildings, people, and cars. When the bus arrived, they loaded inside along with a handful of other people who'd been waiting with them. Beth kept her sunglasses on and her head low, avoiding looking into anyone's face or attracting attention to herself. Carol didn't seem to notice as she helped find them a seat together and they got situated before the bus started moving again.
Beth glanced around briefly from behind her dark glasses, surprised at the size of the inside of the vehicle. The only kind of bus she'd ever really been on had been the public school bus when she was little. That was before her daddy could afford to send her to private school. She'd hated it, dreading the commute to and from school every single morning and afternoon, and she feared a similar experience when it came to public transportation. But it was vastly different so far.
Even though the bus was packed full with people of all different colors, shapes, and ages, they all seemed to be preoccupied and none of them had given Beth so much as a second glance. Several of the commuters had earbuds in, staring down at their phones or gaming devices. A handful of them were reading books or magazines. And the rest were talking quietly with each other, though some didn't realize how loudly they were talking and Beth couldn't help but overhear more conversations than she cared to. But there weren't any "weirdos" or "creeps" trying to invade her personal space, and no one seemed to realize they were in the midst of a wanted murderer.
About fifteen minutes passed while Beth listened to the various conversations going on around her and gazed out the window at the passing buildings. Carol had pulled out her phone and was reading what Beth thought looked like a news article or something. But she tried not to be nosey and resisted reading over Carol's shoulder.
Then the short-haired woman returned her phone to the inside of her purse and turned to face Beth with a small smile on her face. "So what d'ya think of the public transportation thing so far?"
Beth shrugged. "It's not so bad. Kinda loud sometimes."
Carol nodded. "Yeah – you get used to it."
Beth pursed her lips and looked down at her lap, fiddling with the edge of the bandana around her wrist. She'd tuned out all the voices around her and quickly became lost in her own head. She had hoped a little conversation with Carol would help ease her quickening heartbeat, but she didn't know what to talk about besides something stupid and obviously fake like the weather.
Well, she knew what she wanted to talk about, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about it because she was looking for an attempt at reassurance, or if she just wanted to speak the words aloud and get them out. Maybe if she could just form them and push them out of her mouth, they'd leave her head, too. Or maybe Carol would have an answer for her. A real answer, not just a polite smile.
A few more minutes of silence passed between them and then Beth turned her head and looked at Carol from behind her sunglasses, waiting for the other woman to turn her head and meet her gaze. When she did, Beth raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth to speak, but the words didn't come out.
"What is it?" Carol asked, furrowing her brow and recognizing the unvoiced question on Beth's face.
Beth closed her mouth to swallow, then opened it again and asked, almost too quietly to be heard over the chatter in the bus, "If I do it… d'you think it's – d'you think that makes me selfish? Like, isn't it a really selfish thing to do…?"
She was grateful for the glasses hiding her eyes because she was struggling with keeping eye contact as she tried to form a comprehensible sentence. But Carol seemed to understand what she was trying to say and her face grew very serious and empathetic at the same time.
"You mean – if you terminate?" She asked softly.
Beth nodded, swallowing again past the knot forming in her throat.
Carol slowly shook her head, eyes locked on Beth's. "No... But if it is, that's not necessarily a bad thing. We all have to be selfish sometimes."
Beth furrowed her brow. "What d'you mean?"
"You have to be selfish before you can be selfless," Carol explained matter-of-factly. "It's like the old saying goes: you can't pour from an empty cup. You have t'take care of yourself so you're able to help others… In my opinion, it's the farthest thing from selfish t'want to protect yourself from something you know you're not ready for. And at that point, you're protecting more than just yourself, whether you realize it or not."
Beth stared at Carol thoughtfully, chewing on the inside of her cheek and mulling over her words.
She knew Carol was right. But that didn't make her feel any less guilty. For some reason, Beth just couldn't imagine a world where she put herself before someone else.
But then again, wasn't that what she'd been doing since the moment she watched Maggie and Glenn get tackled by the police?
to be continued…
A/N: I said fuck it and posted a little quicker this time because I'm halfway through chapter 35 and I'm honestly just so ready for y'all to see how this particular conflict plays out so that we can move on to the next one lol. Let me know what you think and next chapter will be posted in the next 2-3 days :)