Again: abortion trigger warning.

but now i'm at the top

It had finally come time for the part of the appointment that Beth had been dreading most: the pelvic exam. Dr. Hatfield explained that they had to do a transvaginal ultrasound, which meant sticking a very cold, very uncomfortable wand inside her vagina to get an image of the invader that had set up shop inside her uterus. Even with a giant glob of lubricant, Beth couldn't help but tense her muscles, and Dana told her to relax at least five times before Beth was able to stop clenching. She stared up at the ceiling, feet resting in the stirrups, and was thankful to find an array of stick-on stars and planets placed on the ceiling, directly above the exam bed. It wasn't much, but it was better than staring at white tiles.

The exam was finished quicker than she'd expected and she was more than happy to remove her feet from the stirrups and close her legs again. Dana stripped off her gloves and disposed of them, handing Beth a small pack of wet wipes to clean up with. She had turned the monitor of the ultrasound machine away, so Beth couldn't see the screen. For a moment, she didn't say anything, focused more on watching Dr. Hatfield stand up and gather her things, preparing to leave the room and give Beth some privacy.

Isn't this supposed to be the part where she shows me the picture and makes me feel guilty for wanting to get rid of something with a heartbeat? She thought.

"Can – can I see it?" Beth asked just as Dana was reaching for the Power button on the monitor, clipboard in the other hand.

Dr. Dana paused and raised her eyebrows. "The ultrasound?"

Beth nodded, hands resting in her lap and fiddling with the packet of wet wipes absent-mindedly.

"You don't have to… It might be better if you don't," the doctor said, her voice softening.

I probably won't know what I'm looking at anyway, I was just curious to see what my uterus supposedly looks like, Beth told herself.

She shrugged. "I think… I'd like to. If that's okay."

"Alright," Dana said hesitantly. "It's your choice."

She turned the monitor and faced the screen toward Beth, then pointed to a few specific parts of the black-and-white blob on the screen and explained what they were. Beth stared at it with wide eyes, trying to take it all in as quickly as she could. But there was nothing about it that looked like a baby, or a fetus, or whatever it was supposed to be. And a part of her had expected to feel… something when she looked at it. Wasn't that what people said, after all? It always became real when they saw the ultrasound? Or they always changed their mind when they saw that "adorable" blob on the screen? But here she was, staring at it, hearing the terms "embryo" and "placenta" and feeling absolutely nothing. Except the deep dread that came with knowing it was inside her, and knowing that it was half-Jimmy.

Maybe I really am evil. And unfeeling, she thought.

When Beth was silent for a couple minutes, staring at the screen, Dr. Hatfield asked softly, "Are you okay…?"

"How… far along am I?" Beth asked, eyes still glued to the screen.

Dr. Hatfield was eyeing her with concern. She replied, "Five weeks… give or take."

Heartbeats begin at six weeks. So it probably doesn't have a heartbeat, Beth thought.

But that didn't make her feel any less evil. Or selfish.

"You can safely take the pill, if that's what you want to do," Dana added. "But surgery is still an option. It's completely up to you… There's still plenty of time to wait, too. If you don't think you can decide just yet…"

Why does she keep thinking I'm gonna change my mind? Beth thought with the slightest bit of frustration.

"No, I – still want it," she said, more firmly than she'd spoken all day. "I want it over with."

The doctor nodded and gave a small, tight-lipped smile, then turned off the screen of the ultrasound machine and pushed it away once more, off to the side. She went back to the desk and set down the clipboard, jotting something down with her pen. Then she took a seat on the stool again and turned to face Beth.

"So how do you want to do this?" She asked, rather matter-of-factly.

Beth swallowed, looking down at her socks. Why hadn't she put more thought into this? Why hadn't she done more research?

"Um… how does – how's the pill work, again?" She asked quietly, hesitantly looking up to meet Dana's eyes.

The doctor smiled understandingly, then explained, "Well, we give you a pill here that basically stops the pregnancy hormone. Then we send you home with another pill and you'd take that one in the morning, whenever you wake up. Then you'd have a lot of cramping and bleeding, essentially a miscarriage, at home. It usually takes about six hours or so, altogether. Maybe all day."

I guess that doesn't sound so bad, Beth thought.

"How, um… how bad does it hurt?" she asked.

Dana made a slightly cringing face and shrugged. "It varies. But most women describe the cramping as pretty intense. It's painful, I won't lie to you or try to downplay it. I want you to be prepared. But it'll also be over before you know it. You could even be feeling up to going back to work the next day."

Not that I have a job, Beth thought. Although it wouldn't make me feel any less paranoid to be incapacitated, so I guess it is kind of important.

"And the surgery?" She asked, staring at Dana's green eyes through her glasses.

"About the same recuperation time," the doctor explained. "We usually suggest local anesthesia as it's not necessary to be put under. It's a fairly quick procedure and you'll experience some cramping and bleeding, but most women say they were able to sleep it off and get back to work the next day. We don't make any incisions or anything like that, but we will have to dilate your cervix and evacuate the uterus through the vaginal canal. And, with either option, you'll be bleeding anywhere from one to three weeks afterward. It might be sporadic, it might be like a normal period, but no matter what, it's unavoidable. No tampons, no baths, no douching, no sex – all of these things pose a risk for infection while your body is healing. You can do everything else normally, though."

Beth nodded. "Right…"

She looked down at her hands, still holding the packet of wet wipes, and thought to herself. Her mind was racing. She tried to imagine going home and hiding away in her bedroom long enough to essentially go through a miscarriage. There'd be a lot of blood to deal with. Could she manage to get that much time alone in the bathroom? Maybe she could try to do it while Daryl and Malachi were gone for the day… But then what if it took longer? What if something went wrong and she ended up having to get help? What if Daryl got worried or curious? Or what if she had no one else to ask for help but Daryl? She couldn't hide out at Carol's, either. That'd just bring more questions.

It didn't take her long to decide she'd feel safer, and more relieved, if she got it taken care of under the supervision of a trained medical professional. The thought of any kind of surgery scared her, but the thought of heavily bleeding all alone in the bathroom and having to make up lies to tell Daryl scared her more.

A few long moments of silence passed and Dana started, "If you need more time to think – "

"No, I – think I want the surgery," Beth said, the conviction building in her voice as she spoke. "I mean, I want it. I definitely wanna do the surgery. How much is it?"

Dana blinked, as if she hadn't expected such an absurd question. "Well, money isn't the issue here, we can talk about that afterward. I work with lots of low-income women and we have a system that – "

"I have money saved, I want to do it and pay for it and be done with it. Today," Beth said. Her fear was quickly dissipating as she looked ahead, a light finally visible at the end of the tunnel.

Dr. Hatfield quirked an eyebrow in curiosity but seemed to brush it off rather quickly. "Okay, I understand. I don't charge for any of the testing, but the surgery and appointment altogether are six-hundred. But like I said, we'll worry about it after. Right now, I'm going to step out and get prepared. I need you to go ahead and strip off the rest of your clothes and keep the gown on. I'll give you a few minutes of privacy and then a nurse will come in to take you to the operating room."

Beth nodded, clenching the wet wipes tightly in her hands. Her mouth was going dry.

"Do you want me to let Carol know what's going on? Or should I just tell her it'll be a little while longer?" Dana asked, pausing at the door.

"You can tell her," Beth answered without hesitation. "She's… she already knows what I decided."

The Georgia breeze was hot. So was the sun. The humidity was heavy in the air, and there were no clouds to ease the sun's harsh gaze. But the leaves on all the trees rustled in the breeze and waves rippled across the tall grass. And Beth had never been so in love with the sight of open, grassy fields.

She'd never been so in love, period.

She and Jimmy lay in the bed of his pickup truck, loosely cuddling in their bathing suits, still damp from swimming in the nearby pond. They were miles away from the farm, away from her daddy and momma and their scolding voices, always reminding her to "be careful" and "watch herself with that boy." Even Maggie was giving her somewhat disdainful looks lately, pulling her aside every chance she got to remind Beth that she needed to "use protection" and "stay mindful of their situation." She used Beth's high school education and her future at college as an excuse, but Beth knew there was much more behind her warnings.

What room did she have to talk, though? Beth knew that Maggie and her boyfrend were doing the same thing, probably taking the same risks. Who was she to preach to Beth about being safe? Beth was always safe, always mindful, she never let Jimmy do anything without taking precautions first. She wondered if Maggie could say the same, or if she just assumed Beth would be running to her for a morning-after pill every couple of weeks because she was another "dumb teenager."

None of that mattered right now, though. She and Jimmy were in their own little world, happy and hot and in love. Jimmy's calloused hands were gently stroking the soft skin of her tummy and she knew he had other plans besides just lying in his truck and cuddling with her.

She wasn't sure what they'd been talking about. Something pointless, like usual. They usually spent their time daydreaming together, talking about future plans that seemed less and less likely with each passing day. It was nice, though. Like an escape from everything – all of Beth's overwhelming classes, the tension hanging around the farm. And especially the aftermath of her little suicide attempt… which she was still dealing with. It seemed that now her depressive disorder was exposed, everyone looked at her differently.

Everyone except Jimmy. He didn't care about the fresh scar on her wrist. He didn't care that sometimes, Beth felt so lost and swallowed down by a big, black hole that she wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. None of that mattered to him. He just loved her. And he loved being with her. And it didn't matter that they'd only been dating a couple months, because it already felt like they'd been meant for each other.

"Our kids are gonna be so damn handsome," he said with a proud smile, gazing down at Beth as the sunlight made his eyes sparkle.

Beth chuckled, blonde hair splayed out beneath her head, drying in the sun. "Handsome? What about the girls?"

Jimmy scoffed with a playful smile. "Girls? Nah, we're gonna have boys. All boys. Like, seven."

Beth laughed aloud. "Seven? Jeez, what d'you think I am, Super Woman?!"

He laughed along with her, hand resting across her tummy now. "You can handle it! You were born t'be a mom. Jus' got that natural maternal instinct about ya."

Beth rolled her eyes. "Yeah, okay. What d'you know about maternal instincts?"

He grinned. "Hey – I got a mom. An' I love women. I know all about maternal instincts."

She chuckled again. "Whatever. I'll agree with ya… they'll be some cute kids. But that's 'cause they'll be mine."

She was already picturing two little kids, a boy and a girl, one with blond hair and the other with brown – but both were the spitting image of Jimmy. And she and Jimmy both had good jobs, somewhere far away from Senoia. Maybe they owned their own farm – smaller, way less chaotic. But they were happy. And so were their beautiful children. And they were married, and just as in love as they were right now.

Jimmy quirked an eyebrow at her, smirking. "And half me. Mostly you, yeah… but c'mon, ya can't deny that we're a couple a good-lookin' people. Boys or girls, they'll be li'l heartbreakers."

Beth gave a half-smile, still picturing their imaginary kids in her head. "Nah. They'll be li'l ass-kickers."

Jimmy laughed. "Whatever they turn out ta be… they'll be ours."

Beth grinned and sat up to rest on her elbows, gazing up into his sparkling eyes. Then she leaned forward and closed the distance between them to plant a soft kiss on his lips.

The time seemed to drag by as Beth waited. For every step they took, she was sitting and waiting for another ten or fifteen minutes. Or at least, that's what it felt like. She wasn't sure if it was quite that long. All she knew was that she was already sick of the doctor's office smell and all the bland decorations, and she was more than ready to go home and hide away in her bedroom. She wanted it to be evening time and to walk into the apartment and find Daryl and Malachi sitting on the couch, waiting for her to read with them while Daryl urged her to sit closer.

But then the nurse gave her a shot, some sort of combination of drugs to prepare for the abortion. They explained every step of the process but she didn't have any questions, all she could do was nod and follow their instructions. Their words drifted into her ears and right back out, her mind barely comprehending their meaning. When she was lying back with her feet in stirrups again, legs spread wide while she stared up at the ceiling, she could barely feel whatever it was that Dr. Hatfield was doing down there.

And then she felt the cramping, and the pain quickly intensified and she winced, fingernails digging into the hard bed beneath her. The doctor might've asked her if she was okay and she probably responded with some sort of lie, but she could barely remember when it was all said and done. The whole thing seemed to go by in somewhat of a blur. The only thing she could vividly remember thinking was that she needed to just grit her teeth and bear the pain, because it was the least she deserved for the horrendous sin she was committing.

Beth knew the guilt was building and knotting up in the pit of her stomach, but for now, it was a numbness. She either still hadn't processed it in her mind, or it was a subconscious self-defense mechanism to keep her from making a scene or making a fool of herself in front of the doctor. Or having a breakdown in public. She didn't care either way. The lack of emotion was surprising, and it made her feel a little more guilty. Shouldn't she have felt something more? More sadness, more loss? More remorse and regret and shame? Wasn't she supposed to be feeling… something? Besides numb?

The only emotion she could really identify after the procedure was done, though, was relief. And she was ashamed to admit that, even to herself. How could she be relieved to have had an abortion? To have ended her own pregnancy, when she didn't have to? When there were so many women who hoped and prayed and tried for years to attain what she'd had so effortlessly? And then she just threw it away, like it was nothing. She should be disgusted with herself, absolutely repulsed. Surely.

Yet none of those things surfaced. Even as the feeling returned to her legs and she slipped her clothes back on. Even when Dana had finished explaining Beth's aftercare instructions and the cramping in her abdomen grew more and more prominent. Even when the thick pad in her underwear crinkled as she walked through the hall, stepping farther and farther away from the abandoned tissue that had once been the amalgamation of Beth and Jimmy. She tried and tried to get herself to feel something, some shred of humiliation or disgust. Yet it didn't come. Her chest felt lighter, and her muscles were half as tense as they'd been all day.

Which only made the guilt more intense.

She stopped thinking about what she should and shouldn't be feeling once she was standing in front of a desk that was placed out of sight of the waiting room, behind the Authorized Entrance Only door and away from outsider access. Another woman sat behind it, typing on a computer. The nurse approached next to Beth and handed over a thin folder, which the woman behind the desk took with a polite smile.

"She's going to pay," the nurse started, pausing and turning to Beth to ask, "Cash? That's what Dr. Hatfield told me."

Beth nodded, gripping the wad of bills in her closed fist. She'd pulled them out and prepared them while she was putting her boots back on in the exam room.

The nurse turned back to the woman behind the desk and nodded, and the woman began tapping more keys on the computer while she looked at the screen. The nurse pulled another small stack of papers from the clipboard tucked under her arm and handed them to Beth, who took them and glanced down at them.

"Here's your aftercare instructions, and a list of support resources with websites and phone numbers for more information. And all of Dr. Hatfield's contact information is on there," she explained, pointing to the bottom of the paper atop the stack she'd placed in Beth's hand. "If you have any questions, she wants you to call. If it's past seven, just call her personal line. She wants you to know that you can call her at any hour of the night, especially if it's an emergency – physical or mental. Come back in two weeks and we'll do a quick follow-up to make sure you healed properly."

Beth nodded, looking back at the nurse's eyes after she'd investigated the list of phone numbers on the bottom of the page. "Do I need to schedule an appointment?"

The nurse shook her head. "No, just come in. We'll fit you in, it'll only be a few minutes."

Beth nodded and the nurse gave her a brief smile before turning and walking away, disappearing around the corner. Beth turned back to the woman behind the desk, who was watching her and waiting patiently.

"Okay, that's six-hundred," the woman said, glancing at the computer screen.

Beth nodded and handed over the money, pulling her hand back once the woman had the wad of bills in her palm. She watched her pull them out and count them, then give Beth a quizzical look.

"Oh, you gave me too much, honey," she said, plucking out about seven of the hundred-dollar bills and holding them out for Beth to take back.

Beth bit her lip, then said quietly, "Actually… um, the doctor told me that – uh, a woman cancelled before I came in today. And I took her spot, so – so uh, I wouldn't have been able to get this done if that person hadn't cancelled. Can you just… take that money and try t'help them, or – put it towards somebody else's appointment? I want – I'd like fer you to help somebody like Dr. Hatfield helped me. If you can, please…"

The woman stared back at Beth with wide eyes and a look that Beth couldn't really identify. But she nodded and smiled, and Beth let out the breath she'd been holding, then turned and walked toward the door to the waiting room before there was a chance for any more questions. Her face was hot and bright red.

Shit, I shouldn't have made myself so memorable, she thought as she stepped through the door and into the waiting room.

She realized that was the first time she'd felt regret all day.

Carol was still sitting in the same chair in the waiting room, reading a magazine that was laying open on her lap. She looked up when the door opened and met Beth's eyes, giving a surprised look and then a reassuring smile. She quickly closed the magazine and returned it to the table nearby, picking up her purse and slipping it over shoulder as she stood up. Beth folded up the papers in her hands and stuffed them into her jacket pocket before she weakly smiled.

"Ready t'get outta here?" Carol asked, and Beth nodded gratefully.

They left the clinic in silence, turning and heading down the sidewalk at a much slower pace than when they'd arrived. When they approached a bench on the sidewalk about a block down, Carol gestured toward it in a suggestion that they should sit. Beth was feeling particularly exhausted so she agreed, walking over and sitting down for the first time since she'd finished putting on her boots in the exam room. The women sat close together, and Carol looked over at her.

"Feeling up to the bus, or you wanna take a cab?" She asked softly, the idle sounds of the city playing as background noise to their quiet conversation.

Beth shrugged, staring down at her lap and picking at her fingernails. The scar on her wrist was itchy beneath the bandana but she resisted the urge to fiddle with it under Carol's studious gaze.

"Dana told me you went ahead and got the procedure done," Carol said, voice still soft like she was gauging Beth's reaction as she spoke. "How are you feeling?"

Beth cleared her throat. "I'm fine. It went well. A lot quicker than… I expected."

A lot less painful, too, she added silently.

Carol nodded and waited for her to say more, but Beth pursed her lips and continued staring at her hands. "You don't have to be okay. When I ask how you're feeling, I'm not looking for a reassurance – I just wanna know how you really are doing. Even if I can't help. It's good ta talk about it."

Beth nodded but still wouldn't meet Carol's eyes. "I know. I… I dunno how I feel yet."

Carol leaned back a bit. "I understand that. It'll take time to… sit with it. Process it. For now, though, how do you feel physically? I was only kiddin' when I made that comment about paying for the cab – I brought some cash, I can cover for us to take a quicker way home. I know you're probably tired."

Beth smirked weakly and nodded. "No, I know. It's okay. I have the money, don't worry about it. You've done enough for me already."

"Don't think that this was some kind of favor for you," Carol assured. "I mean, it was, but – we care about you, Rosie. And you don't have to go through this kinda stuff alone. This was the least I could do to help you. And you don't owe me anything for it, okay? So don't think that."

Beth nodded, but she felt the tears forming in her eyes and she fought to push them back. She felt the strangest urge to reach out and wrap her arms around Carol, even though they barely knew each other. But she resisted, twisting her hands together tightly in her lap.

"I think I wanna take a cab," she finally mumbled, lifting her gaze to meet Carol's.

The older woman gave her a soft smile and somehow, it faintly eased the vines of anxiety that were wrapping their way around Beth's heart.

"Okay," Carol said, and pulled out her phone to call the nearest cab company.

It took them half the time it had taken on the bus to ride in a cab back to the East Village. Beth didn't open her eyes this time to watch the water passing beneath the bridge, or to see the scenery change back from greenery and brick to concrete and more brick. She rested her head back against the seat and listened to Carol making small-talk with the cab driver, resting her eyes and focusing on pushing out the pain in her abdomen.

The sun was getting lower when they approached the familiar apartment building, the day quickly dissolving into late afternoon as the evening set in. Traffic was beginning to grow hectic, and Beth was glad they'd left when they did and avoided the long waits at intersections. She handed over two of the hundred-dollar bills she'd had stuffed into her pocket with a quiet "thank you" and exited the cab with Carol before the driver could say anything in return.

The air was back to what she was used to, although there was still a light aroma of cooking food wafting around as dinner time approached. But the smell was noticeably different from the Bronx and Beth almost missed that aspect. The spot on the side of the street where Daryl's bike usually sat covered in a tarp was empty. It would still be a couple of hours until Daryl got home, and this was another thing Beth was grateful for as she passed through the empty lobby and climbed the three flights of stairs with Carol. The two women moved at a much slower pace than normal, and Beth felt the cramping get more intense halfway through the second flight. But she pushed through and put on a resilient smile when Carol gave her a look of concern. The thought of her big, comfy bed was keeping her going and helped to fuel her as she pushed through the last few stairs and reached the landing of the third floor.

Beth had expected them to part ways and she paused at the door to 3A, giving Carol a quizzical look when the short-haired woman stood in the hallway and watched her expectantly.

"I'm gonna make sure you get inside and have everything you need first," Carol explained when she realized that Beth was waiting for her to step towards her own apartment.

"Oh – you don't have t'do that," Beth assured her.

Carol smiled and shook her head. "Don't worry about it. Let's unlock the door and get inside, you need ta lie down."

Beth didn't feel like arguing – didn't have the energy for it. Instead, she just nodded and pulled out the key from her pocket, unlocking the door and pushing it open to step inside with Carol close behind.

The apartment was exactly how she'd left it, with the exception of the air having grown stale since she'd left. She pulled out the folded papers from her jacket pocket before slipping the jacket off, her arms hanging heavy and the exhaustion setting in as she hung it up on the coatrack. There was a rustling of paper in her hand and she gripped them tighter, her feet dragging as she stepped away and headed straight for her bedroom. She didn't give so much as a glance backward.

Carol wandered over to the kitchen wordlessly while Beth shuffled into her bedroom and began the tedious task of taking off her boots. She was glad she hadn't taken the bag, and especially not the gun, considering it would've been difficult to keep them concealed while Carol was hanging around. Beth had grown so tired that she could barely even exert the energy it took to be paranoid right now. She could hear the fridge door opening and closing and some dishes being moved around in the kitchen, and Beth quickly changed into comfortable sleeping clothes while the door sat half-open.

Just as she was setting her phone down on the bedside table – after checking and finding no new texts from Daryl or anyone else – and preparing to crawl into bed, Carol stepped into the bedroom. Beth turned around and gave a small smile, spotting the mug of hot tea in the older woman's hand, and something else being clutched in her other hand.

Carol walked over and set the tea down carefully beside Beth's phone, then turned to her and held out the bright green package in her hand. Beth reached out and took it, realizing it was a package of pads.

"Here, you'll need these," Carol explained. "I didn't know if you had any already or not but just in case, I had these layin' around and I knew you could use them. They're the overnight kind so you might actually be able to sleep through the night comfortably without havin' t'get up and go to the bathroom every few hours."

Beth furrowed her brow and stared down at the package quizzically, then looked up and met Carol's soft, blue eyes. "Thanks…"

Carol gestured to the folded papers lying on the nightstand. "She gave you aftercare instructions, right? And explained it all to you?"

Beth nodded, her face relaxing. "Yeah. They want me t'go back in two weeks for a follow-up…"

"I'll go with you, if you want," Carol suggested.

"Thanks," Beth said.

"Not a problem," Carol replied, smiling. "I made you some tea, it might help you sleep better. But right now, you just need t'rest, so lay down and get some sleep. I'll leave you my number – I want you to send me a text later and let me know how you're doing, whenever you wake up. If you don't, I'll come check on you. Okay?"

So I basically have to let her know I'm doing well or else Daryl will figure out something's up, Beth thought. Not that she would've had any reason to avoid Carol. She just found it kind of annoying that these women were acting like she was going to kill herself because she had an abortion. What had been the point of the bandana if they'd already picked up on how damaged she was?

But she nodded and said, "Okay, I will… Thank you."

Carol nodded and gazed at Beth for a second, studying her. "Sure you're okay? I won't tell Daryl anything that's goin' on, so don't worry about that… just focus on feelin' better, okay?"

Beth blinked and took in a discreet deep breath. "Right… I know. I kind of already feel better."

At least the nausea's already gone, she thought. And it was true, she hadn't felt incessantly nauseous since shortly after she'd left the clinic. But she wasn't sure if it was because of the abortion or because she had one less giant predicament weighing down on her conscience.

"Give it a week and most of the symptoms will be gone," Carol said.

"What about the… other stuff?" Beth asked. She hadn't quite intended to blurt the question out, but there it was. She knew she didn't have to specify because Carol understood, and her expression confirmed that. The mental stuff.

"Well… a little longer. But that's a different ball game," Carol replied gently. She opened her mouth like she was about to say something else, but then closed it again and glanced away for a second. The words were forming in her head as Beth watched expectantly. Then she visibly swallowed and met Beth's eyes again, continuing with more hesitation, "I've done it, too. But it's different for everyone. I don't want to compare my experience and my choices to yours."

Beth furrowed her brow and stared at Carol with slight disbelief. She weakly asked, "You did…?"

Carol nodded but didn't waiver. "Yes… I got pregnant a couple years after I had Sophia. Ed wasn't happy about it. The abuse got worse until… one night, he kicked me so hard in the stomach that I miscarried. It was some of the most horrific pain I've ever felt, and I've had just about every bone in my body broken at one point or another... I wouldn't have wished that kind of suffering on my worst enemy… A few years later, we had an accident. I don't know what happened, the birth control I was on failed or something. One of the nights that he forced himself on me, I got pregnant. As soon as I found out, I scraped together every dollar of savings I'd managed to hide from him and got an abortion… It was the only choice I had. Even if I was able t'protect it from him until I gave birth, I couldn't have brought another child into that hellhole. Sophia already had to deal with enough... I wouldn't have been able to live with myself knowing I'd dragged another innocent baby into that. He probably would've killed me just for having it, in all honesty."

Beth stared at Carol wordlessly, mouth slightly agape. She quickly closed it when she realized and swallowed hard. She empathized with Carol and felt a light stab of pain in her chest for the other woman.

Maybe they had more in common than she'd thought.

But then Carol put on a tight-lipped smile and an expression of resilience, giving Beth a meaningful gaze and letting the silence settle over them. "But it's different for everyone. Every woman who's done it has had her own reasons. And there's no reason that's any less valid than another. Whatever reason you had, it was your choice to make."

"I… had no idea," Beth muttered quietly, her voice trailing off. "That you… had t'do it, too. I didn't really think…"

Carol shrugged and her expression didn't change. "Well, I didn't wanna tell you before, in case it affected your decision… I didn't want you to feel like it was your only option. You had to come to a conclusion on your own."

Beth nodded in understanding. "Still… I would've never guessed…"

Carol shrugged and said simply, "Of course not. No one really knows… till you tell them… Now c'mon, let's get you into bed."

Beth didn't question the vague sentiment or the sudden change of subject. Or why Carol was being so motherly towards her. Instead, she fell right into it and allowed it to happen without hesitation. She crawled into bed and beneath the comforter, mind still reeling from hearing Carol's story. Carol tucked the comforter in around Beth and fluffed her pillow before taking a step back and gazing down at her with soft, concerned eyes.

"Need anythin' else? Are you hungry at all?" She asked, and Beth blinked with heavy eyelids.

"No," she mumbled. "I'm just gonna nap…"

Carol nodded. "Okay. I'll lock up behind me, I have a spare key. Daryl will be home in a couple hours but I'll tell him t'let you sleep."

Beth was suddenly a bit more awake and she quickly spoke, "Can you – actually, can you not mention it to him? Like, at all...? He won't bother me, just… don't say anything. Please."

Carol furrowed her brow for a second but said, "Okay… I won't."

She hesitated inside the bedroom, triple-checking that Beth had everything she needed before heading toward the door. She reminded Beth to text her later, then left the bedroom and shut the door tightly. A few seconds later, Beth heard the front door open and then close.

With the clinic's drugs still flowing through her veins and the cramping still prevalent in her abdomen, Beth rolled over and got comfortable. It didn't take more than thirty seconds before she was drifting off to a deep, dreamless sleep.

to be continued…

A/N: The flashback is from late summer 2016.