control yourself, take only what you need from it;
Beth awoke a few separate times to squirm in pain, but she quickly drifted off again each time. Carol had offered to lend her a few pain pills to get her through the next day or two, but Beth had declined. She felt that the pain was just another part of the punishment, and she didn't feel right accepting any sort of medication to numb her further. So she lay in bed and writhed beneath the comforter when a wave of cramping would sweep over her. And then she'd roll over and ignore the throbbing ache to sleep a little longer.
At one point, she managed to wake up long enough to grab her phone and find Carol's number jotted down on a piece of paper next to it. Beth sent a text message assuring Carol that she was okay, then set her phone down and rolled back over. Another wave of cramping passed through her middle, and then she relaxed and fell back into a deep sleep.
When she finally woke up and opened her eyes, the pain a passing sensation in her lower half, she glanced at the clock and realized it was past nine. She hadn't expected to sleep quite so long, but she admittedly felt better. However, there was a stickiness between her legs and she knew it was time to make a trip to the bathroom. Her eyes were also dry and sore, and she realized she'd fallen asleep with the brown contacts in. She carefully plucked them out and placed them back in the dish on the nightstand, rubbing her eyes gratefully, then grabbed the package of pads that Carol had given her and headed out the bedroom door quietly. The mug of tea sat on the nightstand, cold and untouched. She slipped out into the hall and practically dashed to the bathroom, all in silence.
The apartment was dimly lit and quiet, save for the light above the stove in the kitchen and the glow of the TV in the living room, the volume low and barely audible down the hall. Beth didn't take the time to glance at the couch and check for Daryl, but she knew he was there. She focused on making it inside the bathroom and shutting the door before turning on the light, and then she was occupied with changing the blood-soaked pad in her panties.
She was sore, to say the least. Whatever drugs the clinic had given her were completely worn off now and the area between her legs felt extremely sensitive and inflamed. But it was nothing compared to the cramps that kept washing over her, starting in her uterus and vibrating outward to what felt like every nerve in her body. They seemed to be coming less frequently as time went on, though.
Beth washed her hands and flushed her eyes with some cold water before she shut off the bathroom light and slipped back out into the hall. As she approached her bedroom door, she noticed that Daryl was sitting on the couch with his head turned toward her, and in the glow of the TV, she could see that he was staring at her.
She paused at the door, hand on the doorknob as she gazed back at him. She hesitated, part of her wanting to go sit on the couch with him. But a larger part of her wanted to go and crawl right back into her still-warm bed. Her body still felt exhausted and she was almost certain she could sleep for another twelve hours without interruption.
She didn't have to approach him, though, because he was standing up from the couch and quietly stepping toward her. He must've noticed her hesitation, or maybe he could see how pale her face was, even in the low light. She pulled her hand back from the door and faced him as he stopped a few feet in front of her. His eyes were assessing her, and she could see the lines of concern etched onto his face.
"Hey, you alright?" He asked quietly, his voice coming out low and growl-ish.
Reflexively, Beth nodded. "Yeah, wh – sorry. I'm jus' really tired today…"
She didn't have a lie prepared for this. Now she was grasping at straws, positive that he could see right through her. The concern on his face didn't go away and she suddenly felt the slightest bit sick to her stomach.
Daryl furrowed his brow, still looking her up and down. He stopped on her eyes, his gaze intense. "You… sure? Ya don't wanna… tell me nothin'?"
A jolt of fear struck Beth through the chest and she swallowed hard. "What… I dunno what you mean…?"
His face fell slightly and she saw him let out a long breath. Then he asked, his voice still low, "Y'know… ya ain't gotta go through shit all by yerself. I don't… I ain't tryin' ta get all up in yer business, but… if it's got somethin' t'do with me, I'd like ta know."
Shit, of course he blames himself and thinks I'm avoiding him, Beth thought remorsefully.
She licked her lips and quickly prepared an explanation in her head, quietly explaining with reassurance, "No, it's – it's not anything with you. I… um, it's not anything you even have t'be bothered with. I didn't mean t'sleep all day – I wasn't avoidin' you or anything, it's just some, like… personal stuff. I guess. I'm sorry…"
Daryl furrowed his brow again. "So, it's… not mine?"
Beth returned his look of confusion, thinking, Wait, what? Are we talking about the same things…?
Another jolt of fear went through her chest as she watched his eyes searching her.
"You," Daryl started, but sighed and paused, shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he stared back at Beth. "Ya mean… you ain't… pregnant?"
A knot formed in Beth's throat and she blinked in astonishment. "What… pregnant?"
For the first half of a moment, she started to form a lie to deny any sort of pregnancy. But then the memories flashed in her mind, and she reminded herself that Daryl Dixon was no stranger to pregnancy. He'd had a pregnant girlfriend at one time, he'd witnessed the symptoms. He'd also observed Beth for the last week and a half, and for at least the last couple of days, he'd made it clear that he noticed she was sick. For the last half of the moment, she was admonishing herself for being so ignorant to believe that the entire pregnancy could go unnoticed by Daryl. He was an observant man, and she should've figured that into the equation long before this confrontation. Even though she'd been able to hide everything else, she couldn't hide the excessive vomiting and sleeping, and whatever look had been on her face that had been so obvious to Carol.
But she hadn't assumed Daryl would figure it out. She'd been so sure that she could keep it all to herself – and Carol. She didn't even have a cover-up prepared. Not a believable one, anyway. And now she was searching for the right thing to say, the best way to explain herself and continue weaving the web she'd wrapped herself up in.
She could see him swallowing hard and licking his lips before he spoke, "Yeah, you… been sick a lot. Sleepin' a lot more. An' yer – well… yer boobs got bigger. Not that I was starin' at 'em or anything, I jus' – when we were in bed, I noticed… but it's another symptom, so I thought…"
His cheeks turned pink and he glanced away, coughing and then stroking the hair on his chin nervously. Then he stepped away for a second and grabbed something from the bar, approaching Beth and holding it out for her to see.
"An' I found this – on the floor, by the coatrack," he explained. "I – well, that's a pregnancy doctor, ain't it?"
Beth's face grew hot and she stared down at the paper he'd just handed her. It was one of the pages from the stack of instructions that the clinic had given her. It was nothing more than an extra copy of Dr. Hatfield's contact information, though. She realized she must've dropped it when she was hanging up her jacket, too tired at the time to notice.
Beth's heart jumped and her mind raced as she quickly tried to figure out the best way to explain herself. She'd have to continue the lie about her horrible ex who ruined her life and admit to being a selfish person who got an abortion for selfish reasons. She had wanted to keep this from Daryl, all of it. He'd already seen how damaged and fucked-up she was, he already had enough to deal with. She didn't want to pile on her own personal problems, she didn't need him worrying about her health like Carol and Dr. Hatfield did. He was supposed to be her escape from all of that, and she didn't want to see the way his eyes would change when they looked at her once he found out the choice she'd made. What if he thought she was evil and wanted nothing to do with her? She couldn't say she wouldn't understand if he told her he didn't want her to be around Malachi anymore. Her stomach churned and it wasn't the cramping this time.
Before she could form a reply, Daryl asked hesitantly, "It's… too soon t'be mine – right?"
His dark blue eyes were searching her face for an answer and she quickly shook her head, folding the paper in her hand nervously. "'Course it ain't yours. It – was my ex's… He-he got me…"
She couldn't finish the sentence because Jimmy's face was appearing in her mind. But Daryl understood and his stance relaxed just a little. He cleared his throat and shifted his weight from foot to foot again.
After a long silence, he grumbled out, "Was…?"
Beth's eyes drifted downward and she was staring blankly at Daryl's socks and the carpet. Her mouth went dry.
"I… got rid of it," she finally pushed the words out. "I ended the – the pregnancy..."
There was a silence that felt like it dragged on forever and her words hung in the air, stealing her breath. She forced herself to look up and finally meet Daryl's eyes. He was still watching her, but his face hadn't hardened with anger like she'd expected. She stared back and waited for his eyes to change, anticipated the shift in his mood and the disgust to appear on his face. But it never did.
"Oh," Daryl said, breaking the silence. The invisible fist clenching Beth's lungs released its hold. "You… today?"
She nodded with pursed lips.
His expression still didn't change, except to show more concern, and he tensed up. "Ya went an' did that – did it alone?"
Beth furrowed her brow, unable to interpret his response. She searched for the anger and disappointment that was surely hiding behind his words. "What – no, I… Yeah, today, but I – I went with Carol. She, um… she helped me find a place an' went with me."
Daryl's stance relaxed a bit and his eyes softened. "Shit… you okay?"
She was still a bit taken aback by his reaction. She kept anticipating a more judgmental response, a scoff or a narrowing of the eyes as he tried to imagine how he'd ever been attracted to her. But it wasn't happening. He just kept looking at her, studying her, like he was searching for the bruises or the cuts, or some sort of visible hurt that he could address and try to fix.
Beth pursed her lips again and nodded her head. Then she said weakly, "Yeah, I'm fine."
Disappointment shown in his eyes, but not for the reason she'd thought. He clarified, "No – really. Are you? Ya ain't gotta lie. It's okay ta not be okay."
She felt tears building up in her throat and pushing their way upward, and she had to fight to keep them from pooling in her eyes. She was having an internal battle with herself about whether to confide in Daryl or not. She wasn't sure if it was the lingering pregnancy hormones or just the stress of the day, but a large part of her wanted to break down in his arms. She was so exausted, but not physically – emotionally. It felt like carrying an eighty-pound safe inside her chest from Georgia to New York, and then she just kept adding one thing after another inside it, stuffing it full and letting her secrets pile up until she was bursting at the seams with hidden turmoil. Her sternum was heavy with unspoken words and all the tears she'd forced back.
Beth started to speak, but whatever she'd had planned quickly slipped away and her sentence trailed off. "I'm, um…"
Her eyes drifted downward for a second and Daryl was still watching her, waiting for her to finish. She looked back up and met his gaze again, her brow furrowed, and asked, "Aren't you – don't you think I'm awful now?"
He gave her a look of bewilderment. "Huh? Why would I think that?"
Her fingers were still gripping the folded-up paper. "'Cause I… got an abortion."
Daryl lifted an eyebrow, still giving her a look of confusion. "So? Ain't none a my business, I jus' wanna know if yer okay or not... What d'ya think, I'm some kinda close-minded asshole?"
Beth shook her head but she was searching his face, trying to figure out if he was fucking with her. "No… I – m'not sure what I thought… jus' expected…"
Daryl shrugged and said, almost casually, "Did what ya had ta do. Ain't nobody else's business, but even if it was, ain't nobody's place ta tell ya what's right in that situation… Sure as hell ain't mine."
His words were surprisingly reassuring, and Beth relaxed for the first time since he'd approached. She began to feel guilty for making such assumptions about Daryl, but then again, she hadn't expected Carol to be so understanding either. It was a situation that didn't allow you to properly predict someone else's reaction – which made Beth all that much more grateful that it was done with and that she'd made a decision and followed through.
Even if that meant feeling guilty about it for the foreseeable future. She had to admit to herself that she'd take the extra tally mark on her list of sins if it meant not having to bear a nine-month burden that would emerge as a living, breathing reminder of her past. If it meant she could begin the long trek down the foggy road that lay ahead with a little less fear.
"Thank you," Beth choked out, her voice barely loud enough to be heard.
Daryl nodded and his face relaxed a bit, but he still looked concerned. He asked, "So, are ya okay, or is there somethin' I can do…?"
She watched him chewing on the tip of his thumb nervously, then answered, "Not really. I'm… I really am doin' okay. Er – I will be... When I stop throwin' a pity party fer myself."
Beth put on a weak smile, hoping it appeared more convincing than it felt.
"Alrigh', well I'll leave ya alone," Daryl muttered, though he wasn't moving to walk away. "Jus' – lemme know if you need anythin', will ya? Ain't no reason ya gotta suffer all by yerself."
She let a smirk tug the corner of her lip upward and tilted her head to the side a bit, asking more light-heartedly, "What, you wanna suffer with me?"
He shrugged but didn't smile or hesitate when he replied, "If ya want me to."
Beth's face fell. She was too tired to lie or make up some sort of tough mask to wear. Besides, Daryl didn't seem to care anyway. He was more understanding than she'd thought, and that in itself was a huge relief. For now, her own mind was her worst enemy, and she wanted nothing more than to be weak for a little bit. To give in, just for now. To have someone next to her whose heartbeat could drown out all the taunting memories, all the whispers of old ghosts.
Maybe Carol had just worn her down with all her personal counseling, or the surgery had left her feeling raw and vulnerable to the point that she couldn't hide it. Or maybe she craved the calmness that settled over her when she was lying next to Daryl, lost in their own little bubble for snippets of time.
She stepped forward and closed the distance between them, reaching out and wrapping her arms around him, the paper in her hand crinkling between her hand and his back. Daryl paused for a moment, as if he were surprised, but quickly wrapped his arms around Beth and pulled her in closer. She pressed the side of her face into his broad chest, leaning against his body and breathing in his familiar smell. It was getting harder to force down the tears that were burning in the back of her throat.
His heartbeat was steady and unfluctuating beneath her ear, and it sped up for only a few seconds under her touch. Then it was calm and slow, loud and untiring. Her breaths came steadier and she closed her eyes and felt his chin hair tickling the top of her forehead before she felt him lightly kissing the top of her head. His arms tightened around her.
When they pulled apart after a long couple of minutes, Beth reached down and gently grabbed his fingers. She gazed up into his eyes and asked quietly, "Wanna come lie down with me?"
She spotted the smirk tugging at the corner of his lip and it made her stomach do a little flip-flop – in a good way, for once. He interlaced his fingers with hers and pulled her back in closely, placing his other hand on the small of her back.
"Would that help…?" He asked, voice low and husky as he gazed down into her eyes.
Beth smiled faintly and nodded. "I think so."
Then Daryl was leaning down and pressing his lips against hers and she was closing her eyes and kissing him back, softly at first before growing needier. She pulled back before she got carried away and looked up at him.
"Been waitin' t'do that all day," he whispered with a coy smile, and leaned in to kiss her again. She smiled against his lips this time.
After Daryl had cleaned up the living room and checked on Malachi, and the darkness and quiet had settled over the small apartment, he joined Beth in her bed, leaving the door ajar in case Malachi woke up. They cuddled close beneath the comforter, his arms wrapped around her as she lay close against him, enveloped in his warmth and breathing in the smell of leather and soap.
He hummed in contentment and she listened to his heartbeat while his fingertips snuck beneath her shirt and stroked the bare skin of her back. All her muscles relaxed and she sunk into him, eyes drifting shut and sleep overtaking her.
It wasn't dreamless this time. Her mind seemed to catch up with her and began showing her another conjuring of her guilty conscience. Jimmy's face appeared and she could hear his voice, clear as day, filling her ears and echoing around her. He didn't look the way she remembered, though – like a walking corpse, a shell of his former self.
No, he looked like Jimmy. Like the boy she'd fallen in love with, the one she liked to remember when she was forced to think about him.
He looked so sad. She felt a sinking in her chest. He kept asking her, "Our baby? You killed our baby, Beth? How could you…?"
She was frozen in place and couldn't run away, couldn't turn her head or close her eyes. He wouldn't leave.
Then she heard another voice, whispering from somewhere far-off, "Hey – babe, wake up. C'mon, it's a dream…"
Her eyes popped open and she realized she was panting heavily, her face damp with sweat. She looked around for a second in the darkness, disoriented. Then she saw Daryl's face, the concern in his eyes as he stared down at her, propped up on one elbow beside her in bed. The apartment was still dark and quiet, and she couldn't figure out if he'd really been talking to her or if it had been part of the dream.
"Hey – you good?" He whispered, his brow furrowed. He reached out and gently brushed away a few strands of hair from her face.
Her breathing was steady again and her heart had slowed back to normal, but Jimmy's face was still lingering in her mind. "Y-yeah…"
Daryl still looked concerned. "You were whimperin' – you have a nightmare?"
Beth sighed and nodded, then wrapped her arm around his middle and pulled herself in closer against him. He rested back into the bed and snaked his arm around her waist, holding her tightly. She shut her eyes and buried her face into his shirt, willing her brain to stop torturing her. Her body still felt so drained of energy.
"'S okay, I'm here," Daryl whispered, his voice sleepy. "Jus' a dream, it ain't real…"
Something about his voice and his words eased her, and then his fingertips were stroking her bare skin again and lulling her to sleep. The dream didn't return.
Beth awoke briefly to feel Daryl kissing her lips softly and whispering in her ear, "Hey, I'm goin' to work now. I'll see you tonight." She nodded in affirmation but didn't open her eyes, and she'd rolled over and drifted back off before he was out the door.
When she awoke a few hours later, she opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. It was shortly after nine, yet she didn't feel like complete shit like she normally did at this time of the morning. In fact, she felt more rested than she had all week. She could still smell Daryl's lingering scent and as she rolled over, she faintly recalled him waking her from the nightmare as well as kissing her goodbye. She smiled to herself.
Beth reached over and grabbed her phone, lying in bed and scrolling through her notifications. There was a text from Carol telling her to stop by whenever she got up for the day and was feeling better. It had been received last night, after Beth had sent her text and fallen back asleep. There was also a text message from Clementine, explaining that she would be free that afternoon and that she was wondering if Beth would like for her to come over and keep her company.
It didn't sound like a terrible idea. She had, after all, agreed to hanging out with Clem today. That had been before she'd gotten her last-minute appointment at the clinic, but still. She sent a text in response, asking what time of the afternoon Clem wanted to hang out. Beth didn't want to sign herself up for more social interactions than she could handle on this particular day.
Then again, now that she had nothing to dwell on except the abortion, she kind of wanted to try and do something to keep her mind occupied. At least until Daryl and Malachi were home to distract her. Maybe talking and pretending she was normal with Clem would do her some good. And maybe Carol just wanted to make her some more food and not try to shrink her head. Her appetite was back, that was for sure. She was already thinking about coffee and breakfast as she got out of bed and slipped on some clothes, then headed to the bathroom.
The occasional cramps seemed like a fair trade for the nausea, and Beth was glad she'd been able to mostly sleep it off. She changed her pad, finding the area between her legs to still be sore, but certainly improving from the day before. Then she washed her face and brushed her teeth before heading out to the kitchen and starting a pot of coffee.
While the coffee brewed, she wandered into the living room and opened up a couple windows. The weather was nice again, and the street below was busy with traffic, sidewalks full of passing pedestrians. The low buzz coming from the city exuded the exciting air of another Friday, and autumn was teasing its arrival on the breeze. The sun was bright and there weren't many passing clouds, and Beth breathed in a deep breath of fresh air. Something that might've been hope was floating around her and slowly filling her body, like the breeze that drifted in and filled the apartment.
She made herself a full breakfast and sat down at the table to eat and sip coffee, absent-mindedly watching a sitcom rerun on TV. Her phone sat silent on the table. When she was done, she cleaned up the kitchen, did the dishes, and poured herself another mug of coffee. Then she sat down on the couch and watched TV for a little while longer, enjoying the peace that surrounded her. Thankfully, her mind was keeping mostly quiet, at least for the time being.
Beth's phone vibrated while she was watching TV and she found a text from Clem, asking if she could come over after she got done with class around four. Beth replied and said that'd be fine. At least she'd have time to go assure Carol that she was doing okay. And she hadn't seen Clem in a few days, all the more reason to have her over and ask about the latest gossip, even if it wasn't that interesting. She needed to talk to other people besides just Daryl and Carol and she knew that, subconsciously. It was a difficult thing to admit, though – that you needed other people to keep yourself going. But she couldn't deny the fact that she'd only gotten this far because of other people. She also couldn't deny the lightness she felt sometimes in the presence of people like Clem and Tara and Rosita.
When she'd finished her coffee and had enough of the TV, Beth got up and turned it off, then headed to the bedroom and changed into soft leggings and a baggy T-shirt. The cramps were far less worse today, but she still felt a little bloated and the tenderness in her breasts definitely wasn't going away as quickly as the morning sickness had. Nevertheless, she felt well enough – and full of enough caffeine – to grab her phone and head over to apartment 3B.
She didn't wait in front of the door for long before Carol was opening it and giving her a warm smile. She didn't miss the way Carol's eyes swept her up and down, then stopped on her face, searching it. But Beth smiled back and stepped inside as Carol held the door open for her and moved aside.
"Well, good afternoon," Carol said cheerfully, shutting the door and urging her over to sit at the bar.
"Good afternoon," Beth replied sheepishly.
"Rosie!" Malachi's voice rang out and he appeared from somewhere between the TV and the couch, sitting where Beth hadn't seen him at first glance. His face was lit up with excitement as he struggled to quickly stand up, then raced over to her on his tiny legs.
Beth opened her arms and caught him as he flung himself against her legs, wrapping his arms around her and staring up with a grin. She smiled down at him. "Hi! Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you in like, two days, I missed you!"
"I missed you, too!" He said loudly, still grinning. "Where'd you go?!"
Beth paused but kept smiling and replied in her overly-friendly, little kid voice, "Oh, I didn't go anywhere, I just didn't feel well so I was sleeping when you were home. But I'm better now!"
Malachi stared at Beth thoughtfully, processing her words, then grinned again and showed all his teeth. He let go of her legs and reached up to grab her hand, pulling her towards the living room and the spot he'd been sitting. He had several toys laid out and a couple of books, and there was a cartoon playing on TV.
"Do – d'you wanna watch Paw Patrol?" He asked excitedly.
Beth sat with Malachi and listened while he showed her the toys he'd been playing with and the cartoon he'd been watching, and she asked him questions about how his day was going. His mouth was struggling to keep up with how fast his brain was working and seeing her seemed to be the highlight of his day. She spent at least fifteen minutes with him in the living room, talking and laughing and watching the wide range of expressions that would show on his small face.
Malachi grew distracted with some new toys and his words started trailing off, so Beth took an opportunity and slipped away, and he didn't seem to mind considering he could still see her sitting on a stool at the bar. Carol smiled and raised her eyebrows at Beth, sliding a glass of sweet tea across the bar that had been sitting and waiting for her.
"What?" Beth asked, smiling. She lifted the glass to her lips and took a long sip.
Carol shrugged, cupping a mug of coffee between her hands. "Nothin'. It's just cute how much he likes you already. He's mentioned you at least twice a day, every day this week."
Beth blushed lightly, taking another sip of tea. "Yeah, he likes that I read to him. And I played guitar for him one night, turns out he's got a passion for dancin'."
The women chuckled together and Beth saw the twinkle in Carol's eye, but she glanced away and down at her bandana instead.
"So how're you feeling today?" Carol asked after a long moment of silence.
Beth cleared her throat and lifted her eyes again. "Actually, I feel a lot better. The morning sickness is already gone. An' I think the worst of the cramps is over."
Carol smiled, relieved. "Good, that's really good. I didn't say anything to Daryl, but he let you sleep, right?"
Beth smirked to herself but quickly hid it. "Yeah. Um… he didn't bother me at all… I got a lot of rest."
Carol furrowed her brow for a second but then brushed it off. "How's your appetite? Want somethin' to eat?"
Beth shook her head. "No, thank you. It's better, though. I had a big breakfast and, like, a lot of coffee."
She chuckled lightly and Carol smiled, setting her mug down and turning around to begin moving about the kitchen. It appeared she was beginning to make more food. Beth wondered if it was a nervous habit or if she was just the type who wanted to feed anyone who stepped foot in her home.
"Well, that's a good sign," Carol said, glancing back at Beth as she retrieved plates from the cabinet. "I know you're probably still sore, though. Are you gonna skip class tomorrow? 'Cause you could just come an' observe."
Beth spotted her chance to change the subject and turn the focus on Carol for a change, so she grabbed it. "No, I didn't plan on it. Aren't you bringin' that guy? I wanted to meet him. I might just take it easy, or…"
Her voice trailed off and she realized that she was about to mention Daryl and how he'd understand if she wanted to sit on the sidelines for class this week, but then she remembered that would require telling Carol that he knew. And then she'd probably get curious about why he knew, or why he'd care. And Beth really didn't feel like going into that right now, especially with Daryl's son sitting less than twenty feet away.
However, she'd successfully distracted Carol because the older woman's voice got the slightest bit more chipper and she said, "Oh – yeah. I'm, um – yeah, I'm definitely bringin' him."
Beth could see the sheepish grin on her face from across the kitchen.
"We had our date last night," Carol continued, staring down at the sandwich she was preparing in front of her with a dreamy look on her face. "It went… well. Really well. I think everyone'll like him."
"Wow, that's awesome," Beth said softly, sipping her tea.
Carol nodded, cutting the sandwich in half and lifting her head to glance back at Beth and smile. "Yeah. Well, let's hope so… We'll see what happens."
Beth couldn't help but relate to the realism expressed in the older woman's sentiment.
"Malachi! Time for lunch," Carol called, carrying the plate to the living room while an excited Malachi watched eagerly and sat down before the coffee table to prepare himself.
Once she was satisfied that the toddler was properly set up to eat without making a very big mess and getting distracted by his toys, she returned to the kitchen and poured herself another cup of coffee. Then she walked around the bar and took a seat on the stool next to Beth, turning to face her. Beth could already tell that the talk of Tobin hadn't been enough to keep the subject off of herself for long.
Oh, God, here comes the head shrinking, Beth thought, eyeing Carol disdainfully when she glanced away.
The older woman took a long sip of her coffee, then set it down carefully and met Beth's eyes. Her voice came out quiet but serious, "Ya know, I get the feeling that Mal isn't the only one who's growing pretty attached to you…"
Beth's heart sank and she quickly realized that she'd assumed Carol's intentions very incorrectly. She wasn't trying to play counselor right now – she was starting to drift toward playing detective.
"What d'you mean?" Beth asked, blinking her big, blue eyes innocently.
There's no way Daryl told her about us, she thought. Right…?
Carol's expression didn't change. "Well, to be frank, I know you're good with kids – I can see that. You're a nurturuing person by nature. And, ya know, they might be my neighbors, but they're my family, too. And I'm not gonna stand by an' watch them go through something they don't have to… Not that I think you have ill intentions or anything. But – well, you're in a vulnerable place right now, Rosie. You have been since you got here. And these boys, they… have a really big hole in their family, and…"
Her voice trailed off. Beth swallowed hard but didn't break eye contact. Carol took a sip of coffee and cleared her throat.
"I'm sorry, I'm not trying t'scare you or – intimidate you," she said, her voice softer. "And after yesterday… I know there's a lot going on in your head. You're still raw, they're all open wounds. You need a support system, but the most important parts of the healing process can only be done on your own. It's – it can be really easy to get too comfortable and start leaning on… the wrong people… Ya know?"
She was trying to be vague without being too vague. Beth could take a hint, though. Her stomach was fluttering angrily at the thought of Daryl and how she kept pushing it out of her mind that the entire basis of whatever relationship they had was built on a lie. Could Carol tell just from looking at them?
"I would never hurt them," Beth said quietly, unable to tear her eyes away from Carol's.
"Not on purpose," Carol said. "I know that… I don't think that you would, either. But Daryl is… different. He doesn't care about many people, but the ones he does, he cares about fiercely… And he's had it rough. It took him a long time t'get where he is now, to open himself up as much as he has. If he does it for the wrong person, well… I just don't really know if he'll have the desire to try again. The one thing that can really break him is misplaced trust… And some people can only be broken so many times."
Beth furrowed her brow, unsure of why she felt anger boiling up inside her. She was a terrible person, so Carol wasn't wrong in thinking these things. Yet it still made her angry – it hurt. And she hated how Carol saw right through her, right through Daryl. Couldn't this woman ever mind her own business?
Then again, she understood why Carol was being so protective over Daryl. He was damaged, too. But Beth couldn't even imagine that she was capable of hurting him. He seemed strong – strong enough to forget about her if she were to say goodbye. He might miss her for a little while, but he'd get over it soon enough. It wouldn't take long for him to realize he was better off without her.
"I dunno what you think is goin' on between us, but it ain't nothin' like that," Beth said, her voice coming out a little snappier than she'd intended.
Carol pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, hands still gripped around the coffee mug.
"We enjoy each other's company. We live in the same apartment. Sometimes we talk. But we're not playin' house or something, an' I'm not trying to fill the position of step-mom," she continued, trying not to sound as defensive as she felt. "I spend time with him and Mal. It's – I'm not tryin' ta get attached, but… I'm not gonna push 'em off either. Nothing's set in stone, but didn't you say it'd be good for me to not be alone? To let some of these people in? Like you?"
Carol quirked an eyebrow and spoke quietly, "Of course I did. But that's different – me an' the others are adults. He's a child… He doesn't understand that you're gonna leave eventually. He won't understand why."
Beth's breath caught in her throat and she quickly looked down at her glass. She couldn't look back into Carol's eyes for a few moments.
"Like I said, nothing's set in stone," she mumbled.
"That's all well enough, but…" Carol trailed off and sighed. She turned toward the bar and looked down at her coffee thoughtfully. "Whatever you choose, whether it's to leave or stay, I just hope that you realize your choices affect others. There are people who care about you, and you may not have intended to pick up those kinds of souvenirs while passing through, but here you are… two weeks later with half a dozen people who would give the shirts off their backs to keep you warm."
The older woman paused again, sipping her coffee while Beth mulled over her words, lips slightly parted but all of her words falling away at the tip of her tongue.
"And," Carol continued, quietly again. "You might not see it, or maybe you're just choosing not to, but one of those people in particular is growing quite fond of you. To the point that I think he might already be willing t'go to the ends of the earth for you, if need be… And I'm not talking about the three-year-old."
Beth blinked and pushed back tears, taking another drink of tea in an attempt to chase them away. She mumbled out, "Well, I dunno why – I would never ask that of him."
She heard Carol exhale through her nose before she said, "You wouldn't have to."
Beth swallowed hard and then turned her head to meet Carol's gaze. It had softened, and she was looking at Beth with sympathy. Beth couldn't quite figure out why, though.
"I'm not – hurtin' anyone," Beth said quietly, briefly narrowing her eyes. "I already – I promised him I wouldn't leave without sayin' goodbye first. He knows… I'm not stayin'. We're just roommates. An' friends…"
Carol nodded but she didn't look convinced, and she let an awkward silence settle between them before speaking again. "Are you sure you don't want a pain pill for the cramps? Or even an ibuprofen eight-hundred? Something?"
Beth furrowed her brow and stared back at Carol with a quizzical expression on her face. "No, I'm fine – the pain hasn't even been bad since last night. Why?"
Carol raised her eyebrows, looking at Beth as if she should already be able to figure it out. Was she just trying to change the subject, or was she trying to make some other kind of point?
But then she set down her mug and stood up, leaving Beth more confused. "Just making sure. I do have something for you, though, and you'll need it."
Beth furrowed her brow and watched Carol hold up a finger to signal for Beth to wait a moment while she headed down the hall and into her bedroom at the end. She reemerged a few seconds later, carrying something small in her hand, and returned to her seat beside Beth. Then she held out the items for Beth to take. Upon closer inspection, Beth realized it was a pill bottle and a few yellow, plastic packages, each the size of a pack of batteries.
"What's this?" Beth asked, turning over the bottle and reading the label.
"From Dr. Dana. We worked out a way to get some antibiotics in my name for you. I picked 'em up from her today," Carol explained quietly. "And she gave me some samples of birth control to pass on. I guess it slipped her mind at the appointment since it was so… last minute."
Beth shrugged. "Well, I didn't really ask to talk about birth control options – it was the last thing on my mind… An' she sorta seemed like she was afraid I'd have some kind of emotional breakdown after I told her… what I decided."
Carol was gazing at Beth thoughtfully, but Beth was staring down at the plastic bottle and packages in her hands, still inspecting them closely.
"Well, she sees women in your situation all the time – and worse," Carol said. "She's used to it by now. She just wants to do her best t'be prepared. Not everyone is as strong as you, or clear-headed."
Beth almost laughed, a small smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth. She looked up and met Carol's eyes again. "I wouldn't say I'm clear-headed… An' I might look strong, but… I don't think what I did makes me strong."
A crease appeared in Carol's forehead and she seemd to be studying Beth's face. She shook her head and said softly, "It doesn't make you weak. You made a decision not everyone can make."
Beth turned back to the glass sitting in front of her, laying the bottle and packages down next to it. She shrugged, pursing her lips and holding back her arguments. Then she grabbed her glass of tea and took a sip, her mouth particularly dry.
She felt Carol's eyes boring into the side of her head and finally turned to meet her gaze.
"You don't have to punish yourself, Rosie," Carol said, speaking quietly and clearly while staring intensely into Beth's eyes.
Beth's stomach rolled over and she quickly looked away and down at the glass in front of her. She tried to sound more convincing than her voice would allow when she muttered, "I'm not…"
She thought back on the pain she'd felt during the surgery, the cramping that had kept her writhing and sweating in bed, and how she'd forced herself to grit her teeth and bear it. Because she deserved it. She thought about the intrusive thoughts that kept reminding her she was twice a murderer now, and the painful stabs of guilt that kept appearing in her chest.
But if she didn't punish herself, then who would? She already had more than she deserved just by being free.
"Whatever happened before you came here, whatever you might've done ta get out," Carol said softly. "You can't hold onto it and blame yourself. If you do, you'll never really be free of him… You did what you had to – that applies to this situation, too."
You did what you had to. That's what Daryl had said, too. Beth's stomach fluttered but it quickly morphed into a cramp. They'd both said these things without knowing the real, full story.
The words started pouring out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she couldn't meet Carol's eyes while they did so. "But I – it was my fault. He – the condom broke and I asked him t'stop but… I shoulda done somethin' else. I just laid there. I didn't fight it, I didn't – I coulda taken a morning-after pill or something, but I chose to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. 'Cause it made me sick just thinkin' about it… I knew better than t'be messin' around with him. And I did anyway. An' I got what I had comin'."
It must've been the cozy, home-like aura that hung around Carol's apartment, or maybe it was the way her eyes searched Beth's face for an answer. But it seemed she couldn't hold anything back lately, and something about the way Carol was looking at her and talking to her, and the way her words were sending tiny knives into the side of Beth's head – it all made her sick with the bottled-up secrets. Something about spewing the words out like vomit made her feel just the slightest bit better, kind of like actually vomiting. She almost immediately regretted it, though.
A quiet voice in the back of her head was asking, Why are you letting these people get so fucking close?
Carol glanced over her shoulder toward the living room, checking to make sure Malachi was still occupied with his lunch and cartoon. He wasn't so much as looking in their direction, and the TV was just loud enough to drown out their conversation from the kitchen. Then she turned back to Beth.
"Rosie… that's rape," Carol whispered out, eyebrows raised as she stared at Beth. But it wasn't the gaping, disbelieving stare that Beth had feared, which was reassuring. Even though her words were falling down on top of Beth like a ton of bricks. "He – it's not pretty to say, but you need to hear it, if someone hasn't told you yet: he raped you. It's not your fault that you got pregnant, it's not your fault that he did that to you… You don't need to punish yourself. He already did more than enough of that. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't deserve to suffer forever because you loved someone who hurt you."
Beth asked herself why she would ever listen to this woman. And another part answered, reminding her that Carol, of all people, knew what rape was. And she probably knew just as much about self-punishing.
But she still had no idea about the truth. She had no clue just what Beth had done to deserve everything that happened to her.
Beth furrowed her brow and glanced over to meet Carol's eyes briefly. "But… we were together. It wasn't… rape. That's not – it's not that serious…"
Sure, she'd thought at one point that what Jimmy had done would be considered rape. But the way he'd looked at her when she uttered the word, the complete disgust that laced his voice when he reminded her that it wasn't possible, and that he wouldn't do that… It had been all she needed to doubt herself. The word had already sounded dirty coming from her mouth, and after seeing his reaction when she accused him, she knew it was far too serious to claim. She felt like the girl who cried wolf, and it had kept her even more quiet.
Could Carol actually be serious in her suggestion that Beth really was raped? She'd never told Maggie or anyone else just because it felt… too personal. But now, she was opening her eyes and starting to understand that maybe it had been because she was too ashamed, too terrified to see the disappointment that would surely have appeared on her big sister's face.
"That doesn't matter," Carol said softly. "Ed and I were married, we had a child together… but by the end of it, he was raping me weekly. Someone you love doing that to you doesn't make it any less serious, it just… if anything, makes it more painful."
Beth's mouth had gone dry again even though she'd just taken a sip of sweet tea. She couldn't look back up into Carol's eyes.
Then why do I still feel so numb? She silently wondered.
to be continued…
A/N: So lisasays alerted me to the fact that I forgot to include the doctor giving Beth antibiotics and discussing birth control options. I'm currently kicking myself for posting without realizing I'd forgotten to add that bit. And that's why I keep notes for reference for like 90% of this fic lmao. So the antibiotics/BC thing was a last-minute fix and I apologize that it's so sloppy. That was completely my mistake of overlooking details. But this is exactly why I ask that readers point out any inconsistencies or mistakes that they come across - because I'm only human, and I miss/forget stuff sometimes! Lol so thank you!
I hope that Daryl's reaction wasn't disappointing. The funny thing is, for the looongest time, I planned for him to wrongly assume it was his baby and get upset at finding something abortion related and finding out and having a bit of a fight with Beth before they would make up. But then when it came time to write it out, I just... couldn't see it. I couldn't see this Daryl reacting that way. Plus, he's way too observant and smart for that. So this is how it came out and I would love for y'all to let me know what you honestly think! :)
If you're reading, thank you so so much! Thank you even more if you've followed/favorited/reviewed! Next chapter will be posted in a few days :)