know the things that i've been making up inside my head;
Tara led the group of women to the same bar and grill they'd visited after Beth's first self-defense class with them. They got a corner booth near the bar, one of the few in the small establishment that had a half-circle seat around the table. Tara plopped down first and scooted to the middle with Rosita and Enid squeezing in on her left side and Clementine squeezing in on her right. Beth took the end seat next to Clem on Tara's right, leaving her sitting across from Rosita and Enid. A waitress approached and handed out menus, taking drink orders and carding Rosita and Tara when they ordered beers.
"You wanna get a beer? I'll buy," Tara proposed, looking at Beth as the waitress stood and waited to see if anyone else wanted to order alcohol.
Beth shook her head and smiled politely. "Oh – no, thank you, I don't really feel like drinkin'."
Clem furrowed her brow but didn't question it, and Tara shrugged, then turned back to the waitress and thanked her.
Beth had ordered a lemonade and she was gazing down at the menu, happy that her appetite was back to normal while looking over the burger options. She was so busy thinking about food that she wasn't paying any attention to the other girls or what they were talking about. Then she felt Clem nudge her lightly and she lifted her eyes from the menu to meet Clem's brown eyes.
"Everything – good?" She asked quietly while the other girls were occupied with a separate conversation, paying little attention to Clem and Beth at the moment.
Beth nodded but gave Clem a quizzical look. "Yeah…?"
Clem shrugged and asked, still hushed, "You're not drinking 'cause you feel sick, then?"
Beth shook her head and chuckled lightly. "No, I'm not drinkin' 'cause it's barely noon. An' I don't like beer."
Clem raised her eyebrows. "And you don't wanna get carded…?"
Beth's smile disappeared and she leaned in a little closer to Clem, their voices lowered. "You know I don't have my ID."
"Yeah, but why don't you just go get a new one?" Clem asked. "I mean – it's been like, three weeks since you got out, right?"
Beth nodded and swallowed, prepared to recite the lie she'd grown used to repeating. "Yeah, but… it's still too soon. He could be lookin' for me, I wanna stay off the radar for a little while."
Clem was studying Beth's eyes closely and she hesitantly nodded, though she didn't look completely convinced. "Right… I guess that makes sense."
Beth gave Clem a crooked half-smile, more questioning than anything. "Why're you so worried about it anyway?"
Clem shrugged but didn't waiver, keeping her voice lowered so the other girls didn't pay them any attention. "I just… wanna see you move on, ya know. It's not healthy to slink around in the shadows like some kinda criminal when you're, like… a victim."
"Survivor," The word rolled off Beth's tongue and out of her mouth so quickly, she hadn't had time to think about it. It came out sharp and biting, and Clem pursed her lips and leaned away the slightest bit – just enough for Beth to notice the subconscious body language.
"Sorry, dude," Clem muttered quietly, and Beth immediately felt bad.
"No, I – sorry," Beth mumbled. "I know what you mean, though. Thanks for worryin'… I jus' need some time, is all. I'll get it figured out."
Clem nodded, appearing a little relieved. "Yeah, I know you will."
The waitress reappeared with drinks and handed them out accordingly, then took everyone's food orders. Clem and Beth turned their attentions back to the group, joining in on the light-hearted conversation and shared laughs. Tara and Rosita gave Enid a hard time about her boyfriend – drilling her with questions about his intentions and plans for the future. Enid's face turned red and she answered as many questions as she could before Tara was causing her to laugh uncontrollably.
The girls moved on to discussing class and what they thought of Tobin. Beth sank back into her seat and listened, keeping her lips shut except to take sips of lemonade. But she looked to each person as they spoke and nodded, hoping no one would ask her opinion. She still couldn't shake the feeling Tobin's gaze had given her… like he knew something that she didn't. It was enough to make her skin crawl in a whole new way.
But the general consensus seemed to be that he was an all-around nice guy, polite, friendly, and warm towards Carol and Sophia. It seemed his daughter, Charlie, was just about as quiet as Sophia, but that was to be expected. Rosita expressed her hopes that Sophia would have a new, close friend that might one day become a step-sister. Tara laughed and told her it was more likely that they'd end up hating each other. Beth pursed her lips and tried not to think about Maggie.
Then she saw the mischievous spark in Clem's eyes as the curly-haired girl looked to Rosita with raised eyebrows and asked, "And what about your new man?"
Rosita blinked and grinned innocently. "What new man?"
"Oh, she probably means Spencer," Tara said, which made Rosita reach over and slap her on the arm. Tara laughed and leaned away in mock defense. "Hey! Uncalled for."
Rosita was laughing but threw a playful side-eye in Tara's direction. "You guys are such loudmouths, I swear."
Enid laughed. "It's not like we wouldn't have figured it out eventually."
Rosita rolled her eyes while Tara nodded in agreement.
"You posted a bed picture to Instagram – did you think we wouldn't see it?" Clem teased.
"Okay, that was just because I know Austin is still creeping my page and I wanted to post something that would piss him off," Rosita explained, sipping her beer before finishing. "You can't even see Spencer's face, he could be anybody."
"Any dude," Tara said with a mischievous smirk, elbows rested on the table while she looked at Rosita. "I'm tellin' you, if you'd just let me take you to that club – "
"Oh my god, would you let me have a sexual reawakening on my own time?!" Rosita said defensively, her face cracking into a huge, playful grin as soon as the words came out.
All the girls laughed and Tara shook her head, smiling and taking a long swig of her beer.
"Seriously, though – Spencer…?!" Enid asked, grimacing briefly as she gazed at Rosita with perplexity.
Rosita chuckled and shrugged. "I know, but it's really not like that. I don't want anything serious out of it and, trust me, he doesn't either."
"You know for sure?" Tara asked, and Beth could tell in her tone that she was referencing something that only she and Rosita knew about. Beth could only assume it was a similar instance with another guy in the past.
Rosita nodded reassuringly, turning and looking at her best friend. "Yes, I'm sure." She turned back to the others and took another sip of her beer. "Jeez, what's with the interrogation about my new piece of ass…"
Enid laughed and Clem shrugged, chiming in, "It's just… kinda soon, isn't it? I mean, Austin turned out to be such a…"
"Fucking scumbag," Tara finished for her.
Clem nodded in agreement, as did the others, and Rosita rolled her eyes and sighed.
"I know, but – seriously, it's not like that. I've known him longer, we're just friends," she explained, gaze bouncing between Tara and Clem. "With benefits."
Enid raised her eyebrows and Tara chuckled, draining the last drops of her beer.
"It's been… a week," Clem mumbled, smirking and looking at Rosita knowingly.
"Eh, I guess it might be a little soon," Rosita went on thoughtfully, fingers circling the condensation on the glass in front of her. She didn't seem to care what the other girls thought – Beth envied that. Rosita continued, "But the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody – I mean, it's always worked for me."
Enid giggled and covered her mouth and Tara laughed aloud, nodding in agreement. Beth heard Clem let out a quiet chuckle and she thought she might've giggled herself, but the words elicited a new string of thoughts in her head that she couldn't quite ignore. And it was unsettling.
"It's true," Tara said, as though the statement had put all their worries to rest. The girls shared another laugh.
Rosita added, right before draining the last of her beer, "It's called a rebound – everybody does it at some point in their lives."
Tara nodded in agreement while Clem shrugged and said, "Guess I haven't gotten there yet."
Enid chuckled and joked, "Wow, I hope I'm not getting a glimpse into my own future."
The girls laughed again, Rosita throwing her head back and putting a hand to her chest while she laughed loudly.
But Beth was lingering on what Rosita had said. She couldn't help but think of Daryl, and she began to wonder if she'd inadvertently used him as some sort of rebound from Jimmy. It was true that he made her feel better, made her feel like maybe she wasn't quite as broken as she'd thought. But he was damaged, too, and what if these feelings were only temporary? Or some sort of illusion? What if his weren't? Or what if they were? Would she be the one to hurt him – or would he do it first? Maybe she was his rebound, too. Could it be possible that they were using each other?
Did someone who was still trying to get over their ex normally look at another person the way Daryl had looked at Beth? The way he kept looking at her? Or was she imagining it all in her head?
She'd grown silent while the other girls continued chatting and gossiping, joking and laughing and teasing each other. She was lost in her own head, mind racing with thoughts of Daryl and what they'd been doing behind closed doors. It all felt surreal when she thought about it outside of the apartment. Yet it felt so tangible and natural when they were alone together. Which didn't help her to decide whether they were burying their demons inside each other or if they were mining for hidden deposits of untapped affection. Either way, they were chipping away at something, and now that she was thinking about it, she was growing fearful of what they both might find.
Would Daryl see the cracks in her and try to cover them, fill them? Or would he dig his fingers in, pry them open wider and let the light in – and beg her let him in to see the darkness that lay at the bottom?
The waitress reappeared with trays full of food, naming dishes and handing them out to each woman at the table. Before she left, Tara and Rosita asked for more beer, and all the others thanked her for their food. The hum of their conversation died down as they all began digging in to their food. Beth stared down at a juicy bacon cheeseburger and fries that sat before her, plucking out a few fries and popping them in her mouth as she idly listened to Tara and Rosita joking with each other while they waited for their beers.
Beth felt a vibration in her pocket as she vaguely listened to the other girls chatting and joking. She continued munching on fries while reaching down with her free hand and pulling out her phone. She kept it close to her lap as she looked down at the screen and saw a new text notification. It was from Daryl. Her heart leapt and she wasn't sure why. The text message read:
You coming home tonight?
She furrowed her brow, rereading the text and wondering why he'd ask such a silly question. But then she remembered the look on his face when he'd seen her leaving the gym and she suddenly felt guilty. Did he think she had blown him off? She quickly tapped Reply and typed out a response with one hand that read:
Of course. Was gonna come home after lunch with the girls.
She was about to add, "Why wouldn't I?" to the end of the message but decided against it and deleted it. She never liked making her text messages too wordy, she was always afraid it would annoy him. He was a busy guy, after all.
Beth pressed Send but hadn't realized Clementine was peering over her shoulder. When she looked up, their eyes met and Clem raised her eyebrows, swallowing the bite of food she'd been chewing on. Beth could tell she hadn't been looking over for long – just long enough to see Daryl's name on the screen.
"Textin' your secret lover over here?" She teased with a mischievous smirk, loud enough that the others could hear.
Beth's face immediately heated up and she stuffed the phone back into her pocket quickly, looking down at her food and stuffing a couple more fries into her mouth. But the table's attention was already turned to her.
"Lover? So somebody else has a rebound, too?" Rosita remarked with an impish smile in between bites of her chef salad. "Good, now you guys can stop worrying about mine."
Clem scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"You met somebody already?" Tara asked, looking at Beth quizzically with a half-eaten chicken strip still held in her hand.
Beth's face grew hotter, if that was possible. She shook her head and looked down at her food, away from the other girls' eyes. But she could feel them all staring at her and looking to each other with curious expressions.
Her voice came out faint and flustered. "No, I – "
"Oh, wait – seriously?" Rosita asked, smile fading as she glanced back and forth between Tara and Beth while Tara waited for an answer. "I thought Clem was joking..."
Clem started, "I kinda was, but – "
"Oh my gosh," Enid gasped quietly, eyebrows raised in surprise as she stared at Beth from across the table, fork frozen in her hand. "Is it Daryl?!"
Beth's stomach turned and suddenly, the food before her didn't look so appealing anymore. She shook her head again and lifted her eyes to look around at everyone, fully aware that her face was the color of a ripe tomato. She swallowed hard and quickly went over all the lies in her head – the recitations she'd been habitually spewing for the last two weeks. But it was harder to convincingly lie to four other people than it was to convince just one or two at a time – especially four very observant, very curious women. Would they fall for Beth's ruse? Or would they see right through her?
"No, I – she was jokin'," Beth laughed, trying not to sound as nervous as she felt. But it wasn't working very well and she could see a knowing smirk tugging at the corner of Rosita's mouth. "We're jus' roommates – and I don't have a lover."
"I thought I saw you two looking at each other differently," Rosita said, and Beth couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not.
Enid's eyes were wide with surprise and she glanced back and forth from Beth to Clem, then to Rosita. "Differently…?"
"I was joking – but you guys kinda do… text pretty often," Clem added, giving Beth an apologetic look then lifting one eyebrow curiously.
Beth rolled her eyes and tried not to focus on how hot her face was and how dry her mouth felt. She chewed the inside of her cheek nervously and looked at Clem, then at Rosita, and said, "It ain't like that. We look at each other differently 'cause we're becoming friends – we live together, that's what happens."
Rosita chuckled and stabbed her fork into the salad before her, exchanging a look with Tara and shrugging.
Tara stifled a chuckle and said, "I guess, sometimes. But I've had lots of roommates and I don't talk to any of them anymore. Except this one." She jabbed a thumb in Rosita's direction.
Rosita giggled quietly. "I've never looked at any of my roommates like that, but…"
Beth could feel the back of her neck perspiring and she chewed on the inside of her cheek until it was raw. Her voice came out quieter than she intended, "Well, I haven't had many roommates, so maybe Daryl's jus' the one I'll make friends with..."
"He doesn't really seem like the type to wanna make new friends," Enid commented, taking another bite of her pasta and looking around at the other girls.
Rosita shrugged again and her face grew thoughtful. "I don't think he wants to. He's not big on new people – "
"He barely even talks to us, and I think he actually considers us to be something like friends," Clem interjected.
"From what Carol says, anyway," Tara commented, taking a hearty swig of beer.
Beth shrugged, the exchange of looks between the girls at the table sending a hurricane of emotions through her stomach. She watched them all carefully, searching for the disgust and the judgment. But they mostly seemed curious – or baffled. She was grateful that they didn't seem repulsed at the idea of her and Daryl in a romantic sense. But why was it so hard for them to believe that she and Daryl had become friends in the last two-and-a-half weeks?
"I talk to Carol just as much as I talk t'him," Beth muttered, lifting her glass of lemonade and gulping it down gratefully. But she could still feel the other girls' eyes studying her.
Why are they so insistent that it's something more? She thought. Do we have 'We Fucked' written on our foreheads or something?!
"Yeah, but that's Carol," Rosita said. "And Carol hasn't been eye-fucking you during class."
Tara was taking a drink of beer and began sputtering, lowering the glass and nearly choking. She coughed as Rosita turned to her in surprise to check that she was okay. But Tara was already laughing, holding her chest and setting her glass back down on the table.
The other girls laughed with her. Beth's lips were parted, prepared to say something but losing the words. Their laughter died down but it didn't help the heat in her cheeks.
"Eye-fucking…?!" Beth repeated, staring at Rosita with a look of incredulity. She blinked and shook her head, letting out a laugh that sounded considerably more convincing than her prior attempts. "What does that even mean?"
"Y'know, eye-fucking," Tara said. "I mean – the dude gives a lotta looks, but – "
"Not like that," Rosita finished for her, staring at Beth with raised eyebrows. "Mostly scowls. But he's not even just staring at you – and you did it, too."
Beth furrowed her brow. "What? I did?"
Rosita nodded and Tara watched the exchange with interest.
"I noticed that, too," Clem smirked, glancing beside her to Beth. Beth shot her a brief glare but Clem continued to smirk, nudging Beth playfully. "C'mon, dude, you guys were flirting today. Did you think we wouldn't notice?"
"That means Carol probably noticed, too – why hasn't she said anything?" Enid commented, pushing around bits of pasta with her fork.
"Well, she has been trying to set him up on dates lately," Tara said.
Beth put up her hands half-defensively and rested her elbows on the table, sitting up a little straighter and forcing herself to steady her voice. "Okay – I get it. Maybe I – maybe I'm doin' some stuff accidentally, I don't even realize it. But I don't mean to. An' I really think you're looking way too deep into it. He's not..." She did air quotations with her fingers and finished, "'Eye-fucking' me."
Tara shrugged. "It's all good, dude – I wouldn't admit that I was attracted to Denise for the first eight months we knew each other."
Rosita furrowed her brow and turned to Tara. "I thought you said you fell in love with her in the first three months that you knew her?"
Tara smiled proudly. "I did."
Clem and Enid laughed while Rosita shook her head and smiled, returning to the last bites of her salad.
"It's not – that's not the case here," Beth muttered, hands in her lap again as she picked at her fingernails nervously. "We don't see each other that way. Like… I don't think he's capable of seein' me that way."
Tara let out a high-pitched, "Ha!"
Rosita quickly followed with a scoff and said, "You must be blind then. I've never seen him look at somebody like that."
Clem added, "Not that we've seen him look at all that many people, but she has a point – "
"Okay, but the class is like, ninety-five-percent women," Tara interrupted. "And half of them wanna suck his – "
"Okay! We get it," Enid cut her off with a stiff smile, causing Tara and Rosita to laugh.
"Well, a lot of that can be contributed to the whole 'single dad who brings his cute toddler to class' factor," Clem said with a playful smile.
Beth shook her head and looked around at the girls with skepticism, afraid to sound overly defensive if she said anything. She stopped to meet Rosita's thoughtful gaze.
"It's okay, ya know," Rosita said, setting down her fork and focusing her suddenly intense gaze on Beth's eyes. There was no trace of joking or sarcasm in her voice this time. The other girls were preoccupied with their food and drinks for a brief moment as the conversation lulled.
Beth raised her eyebrows, gazing back quizzically and lightly chuckling like it was a joke she didn't quite understand. "What d'you mean?"
"You and Daryl," Rosita said plainly, her lips gradually growing into a small smirk. "It's not a big deal. If you guys are hooking up or whatever – it's not any of our business. We're just giving you shit 'cause we like you. And we like Daryl."
Her words left Beth reeling and she couldn't find a response. Then Tara chimed in with a similar tone to Rosita's and Beth looked at her as she spoke.
"Yeah, dude – he's kind of an asshole, but he's still our friend, and we know how he is," Tara said. "You don't have to hide it from us. We don't really care, but you can't expect to not get shit about it."
Beth chuckled hesitantly and searched for signs of a smile or a joking expression on the girls' faces, but there were none. The anxiety in her gut settled and, for the briefest moment, she actually thought about admitting to their suspicions.
But what if Daryl doesn't want them to know? She thought, biting back her words.
"Isn't he kinda old, though?" Enid asked quietly, glancing around the table.
Rosita and Tara laughed loudly, shaking their heads.
"You better be shittin' me right now," Tara said, looking at Enid with a playful grin.
Enid smiled and shrugged. "What? I'm just saying – isn't he like, thirty-something?"
Beth glanced around and saw Clem rolling her eyes while Tara and Rosita chuckled again. She pursed her lips and looked down at her burger sheepishly, racking her brain for a way to veer the subject away from Daryl.
"Yeah, old for you – 'cause you're sixteen," Rosita said. "Rosie's a grown woman, she can make her own decisions."
Except I'm only two years older than her – is that really grown? Beth thought, a stab of guilt tingling in her chest.
Tara laughed again and said, "Doesn't matter anyway. My parents were twelve years apart in age – "
"Daryl's kind of like, twenty-five in his head anyway," Clem commented thoughtfully, looking to the other girls for affirmation.
Enid and Rosita nodded while Tara shrugged. Beth was chewing on the inside of her cheek again, the burger sitting in front of her half-eaten and lukewarm.
"Why d'you say that?" Beth asked, looking to Clem. "He's smart, he's responsible, he's a good dad – "
"No, I don't mean like that," Clem explained.
"Like, emotionally," Rosita interjected, and Clem looked over at her and nodded.
"Oh," Beth said quietly, immediately understanding and looking away with contemplation.
Rosita began, "The only thing about it is Malachi – "
But her sentence was cut off by a man approaching the girls' booth and leaning down over the table, interrupting their conversation and drawing mixed looks of confusion from Rosita, Tara, Enid, Clem, and Beth. The man was tall and looked like he was in his mid-twenties, and he smelled distinctly of beer and chicken wings. His eyes were set on Rosita as he seemingly ignored the other four women sitting around the table.
"Hey, gorgeous, I wanted t'come over here an' buy you a drink – "
"Excuse me?" Rosita stopped him, a look of incredulity on her face as she stared at the man, brown eyes narrowed.
He laughed like she was joking. "I said, I wanna buy you a drink – how 'bout we – "
"Can you not see that you're leaning over my friends and their food right now, and interrupting our conversation?" Rosita stopped him again, her voice growing louder.
The man's smile disappeared and he furrowed his brow. "C'mon, I jus' wanted t'come get to know ya, lemme buy you a drink and – "
Rosita raised her voice until it was loud enough to be heard very clearly over the buzz of the establishment, "I don't care how much I look like your sister, I told you I don't want to have sex with you! Please leave me alone!"
Nearly every head inside the small bar and grill had turned to look at the man standing over Rosita's table, conversations coming to a halt as several people laughed – including Tara.
"You're a fuckin' stuck-up bitch, you know that?!" The man yelled at Rosita, stepping back from the table with a furious look on his face. "Ugly slut, I didn't wanna – "
Before he could finish his angry rant, Tara grabbed the nearest full glass she could find, which just happened to be Enid's Dr. Pepper, and leaned across the table to splash its contents onto the man. "Whoops!"
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" The man bellowed, hands held out as dark, sticky soda soaked his shirt and dripped down his face and arms, plastering his hair to his forehead. He blinked and wiped his eyes, growing angrier. More laughs rose from a handful of other patrons nearby.
But the ruckus had attracted the attention of management and a man wearing a button-up shirt and a tie came rushing over with another man who looked to be security before the tall guy could say or do anything else. They ushered him toward the door, talking over his angry shouts and cussing. The manager apologized to the girls briefly before rushing off to help escort the aggressive man outside, and once he was out of earshot, they all looked to each other in shock before bursting into laughter.
"Why did it have to be my drink?!" Enid asked, still grinning and looking to Tara.
The only good thing about the random incident with the slightly drunk guy was that it distracted everyone, and left them joking and laughing about the incident and others similar to it for the remainder of the meal. Beth remained quiet, though, watching and listening and hoping her face was done turning red for the day. She was relieved to discover that they were all as ready to leave as she had been, and once their check was paid, she left her half-eaten burger and fries covered with a napkin amongst the other girls' empty plates.
It was a cold winter in Georgia. The magic of Christmas and the New Year had already faded away, and the dark, frozen gloom had set in before the arrival of spring. Tensions around the farm had only grown worse since Thanksgiving, and Beth hadn't failed to notice the stiff glances that were being exchanged in church lately. She'd also noticed that T-Dog hadn't come around for a meal with the Greene's since his gunshot wound. Though his mother and aunt hadn't seemed to be acting any differently in church, T-Dog was pursing his lips and staring up at Hershel with an intense gaze more often than not. But his dark SUV with the tinted windows still showed up in the driveway every week, like clockwork. Beth told herself it was none of her business – she had enough to worry about with all her AP and Honors classes, and the excessive chores her momma was assigning to her lately. It left her no time to eavesdrop or lurk around where she wasn't supposed to be. And she was starting to think maybe that was a good thing.
It was a Saturday night and most of the Greene's were occupied with their own chores. Maggie and Glenn were out somewhere for the night, presumably visiting Atlanta and escaping the stress of the farm for a night before having to return to church with their usual masks on the next morning. Beth had finished her homework early, as well as her Saturday chores around the house and farm, so she and Shawn had wandered off outside after helping their parents clean up from dinner. Not that Hershel and Annette had cared – Hershel trusted Shawn to keep Beth safe at all times, and Annette had seemed distracted with other matters that she wanted to discuss with Hershel. So when Shawn nodded to Beth and gestured for her to follow him outside, she'd only glanced at her momma for an affirming nod before following her big brother out the back door.
The sky was completely dark, even though it was barely past seven in the evening. Beth looked up and saw all the stars sparkling against a black setting, the crescent moon hanging off to the side. The air was cold and sharp, biting at her nose and cheeks. She pulled the knitted, white beanie lower over her ears to keep out the cold, her hair acting as a blanket for the back of her neck, exposed beneath her thick coat. Shawn was wearing an old baseball cap over his mop of dark hair and a Carhartt coat, left open as he strolled through the dead grass beside Beth. He'd always had thicker skin than her – in more ways than one.
"Finished all yer homework, right?" Shawn asked, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket and shaking one out into his hand.
Beth watched him place it between his lips and light it with a Zippo that came from his pocket. "Yeah, 'course – better not let Daddy see you doin' that."
Shawn scoffed and glanced over at his little sister, giving her a small smirk as he exhaled a cloud of smoke and ashed the cigarette off to the side. "Dad don't care. It's Momma I gotta keep it from. Ain't gonna tell her, are ya?"
Beth smiled, giving her brother a knowing look. "I ain't no rat."
Shawn chuckled and she saw his eyes sparkle as he took another drag off the cigarette. "I know it, I was jus' givin' ya shit… This damn family made me start smokin'. Better vice than what I could pick up, though."
Beth arched a brow, still half-smiling. "You mean better than drinkin', like Daddy used to?"
Shawn shrugged. "Yeah. Or, ya know, samplin' the product."
Beth nodded and her smile quickly faded, glancing down at the dead grass crunching beneath her boots. She looked ahead and saw that they were approaching the garage, away from the barns and stables and surrounded by old, broken-down cars. She turned her head and gave Shawn a quizzical look. "What're we doin' out here?"
He nodded toward one of the vehicles they were approaching. "Well, ya know how Mom an' Dad don't want you learnin' how ta shoot…"
Beth's heart leapt and her mouth grew into a smile. She gazed at her brother, but he was looking ahead to where they were walking, still puffing on the cigarette between his fingers. She asked excitedly, "We're not… Are you…?"
Shawn chuckled and shook his head, briefly glancing over at her. "Nah – you kiddin'? I wish, li'l sis. No way I could hide that from Dad, though. He'd kill me… I was jus' gonna teach ya somethin' else – might come in handy, might not. Still a good skill t'have."
Beth furrowed her brow but didn't question him as they approached one of the older cars. Shawn tossed his cigarette butt to the ground and motioned for her to head around to the passenger side while he opened up the driver's side door. It was unlocked, of course, and Beth had to pull hard on the door to open it, finding it stiff and almost frozen shut. It was obvious this vehicle hadn't been touched in ages. It was an old, beaten-down Honda that Beth had only seen leave the property a handful of times in her entire life, though it had been sitting outside the garage for as long as she could remember, right beside a dozen other vehicles that barely ran. The interior wasn't in terrible condition, and the dome light still came on when the doors opened. But it was just as cold inside as it was outside of the car, and shutting the doors didn't help much except to keep the light evening breeze off their faces.
Shawn reached up and turned on the dome light, illuminating the interior of the old car. The dash was covered with a layer of dust and there wasn't anything inside to indicate anyone ever having driven this vehicle before. But Beth knew her daddy didn't leave anything personal inside any of these vehicles. All the good stuff was locked up inside the garage.
"What're we doin'?" Beth asked quietly, looking to her big brother with another quizzical gaze.
Shawn smiled. "I'm gonna teach ya how ta hotwire a car, Bethy."
Beth couldn't contain the grin that broke out on her face. Her eyes got a little wider and she paused, waiting for Shawn to tell her that he was joking or to start laughing at how she'd fallen for his prank. But he didn't, and her heart leapt again.
Shawn raised his eyebrows and stopped her before she could open her mouth. "Ya still can't tell Dad, though. Got it? He wouldn't be too mad, but it ain't somethin' a teenage girl's got any business learnin'."
Beth's grin faded and she nodded. "You sound like Momma…"
"Yeah, well that's what she'd say. An' Dad would back her up in a heartbeat, jus' remember that," Shawn said, then gave her one of his goofy half-smiles to lighten the mood.
She smiled again and glanced down at his hands, watching as he reached into one of the deep, inside pockets of his jacket and pulled out two screwdrivers. He motioned for Beth to lean in closer to the space below the steering wheel, and she did, watching closely as he pointed out the screws in the panel.
"Yer a fast learner, you won't have any trouble pickin' up on this," Shawn explained. "But ya gotta pay attention, alrigh'? We can only practice on a couple cars out here, so you'll have t'catch on pretty quick."
Beth nodded. "I always do."
He smirked and set about explaining the various ways a car could be started without a key. She listened attentively and watched her big brother's every movement. When it came time to look at exposed wires, she slipped on the pair of gloves he handed her without hesitation. She looked into his eyes and nodded, assuring him she understood how dangerous it was to touch live wires. Sometimes, she couldn't help but feel like a little girl around Shawn. She knew he was protective out of love, but it became a bit smothering sometimes, especially combined with how protective Hershel, Annette, and Maggie were already.
But then again, who was she to complain? Shawn had taught her lots of things throughout the years that their parents probably wouldn't have approved of. If it weren't for Shawn and Maggie, Beth knew she'd be painfully ignorant. And weak... She'd be a lot more like the other seventeen-year-old girls.
Shawn watched closely and instructed Beth every step of the way as she carefully used the wire cutters and strippers he'd handed her, then connected the loose ends with steady, gloved hands. When the car's engine came to life and the dash lit up, so did Beth's face. She looked up at Shawn, grinning.
He smiled proudly and nodded. "There ya go! Ya jus' hotwired a car, baby sister."
Still grinning, Beth asked, "Can we do another one?"
He laughed and leaned back down to look at the wires, carefully disconnecting them again. The car grew quiet and dark once more, and Shawn gathered his tools back up and slipped his gloves off.
"Maybe one more tonight," he said, glancing over at her before grabbing the door handle and pushing it open.
Beth's heart leapt with more excitement and she opened the passenger side door to step out and follow her brother a couple yards away, to another old car that she'd only seen leave the property a few times. This time, when they approached it, Shawn motioned for her to get inside the driver's side while he took the passenger seat. She hadn't bothered to take off the gloves he gave her, slipping inside the old vehicle and shutting the door. Shawn reached up and turned on the dome light to reveal another empty, dusty interior.
"Okay, think you can do this one all on yer own?" He asked, setting the small pile of tools between them on the bench-style seat.
Beth nodded confidently, glancing at her brother with an excited smile before grabbing the screwdriver and getting to work. "Definitely."
It only took a few minutes for her to correctly recite what Shawn had taught her, hesitating when she reached the wires and listening to his instructions as he explained the common differences in older models. She nodded and moved slowly, and her heart leapt when the car came to life a few minutes later.
"'Atta girl!" Shawn smiled, clapping happily.
He reached over and showed her how to carefully disconnect the wires, silencing the vehicle once more and leaving them sitting beneath the dim dome light. Beth turned her body to face her brother, still grinning proudly.
"So what grade d'ya give me?" She asked.
He chuckled and gazed off thoughtfully for a second, then looked at her and said, "A-minus."
"Minus?!" Beth cried, grin disappearing.
Shawn laughed. "Hey, nobody's perfect! That's even better than passing fer yer first time."
Beth shrugged, smiling again, and rolled her eyes playfully. "Yeah, I guess."
"Perfection's overrated, Bethy, you know that," he said with a half-smile.
Beth scowled teasingly, but couldn't hold back another grin when Shawn retaliated with a silly face that made her giggle. When he looked at her normally again, she asked, "So when's the next lesson? You been talkin' about teachin' me fighting moves fer months now."
Shawn's smile disappeared almost instantly and he rubbed his nose uncomfortably, glancing away from Beth's eyes. "I know, I been… meanin' to. Shit's gotten pretty hectic lately."
Beth thought about the last few months since she'd seen T-Dog in the barn with a bullet in his thigh. Things had grown tenser, her brother had been disappearing into the study with their dad more often, and sometimes Maggie and Glenn would disappear in there, too. And there'd been several Friday mornings where T-Dog had shown up and gone straight to Hershel's study in search of him. But Beth had always left for school before she could see T-Dog leave – or do whatever it was he did for the Greene's on Friday mornings. And she knew better than to get near the study door while Momma was making her morning rounds inside the house.
"I… kinda noticed," Beth mumbled, watching her brother carefully.
Shawn looked over and met her eyes again, and she could see the troubled expression on his face despite the low lighting. "You know Mom an' Dad don't want you worryin' about it. Me an' Mags're still rallyin' fer you to learn how t'shoot. But it's like talkin' to a brick wall. 'Specially with T-Dog an'… everythin'…"
Beth furrowed her brow and wanted to ask what "everything" was, but decided against it. She was probably better off not knowing anyway. It had something to do with The Governor; that was enough to know it was none of her business.
"That's okay, Momma would never let me anyhow," she said quietly. "But she wouldn't say anythin' about you teachin' me like, self-defense. Didn't you an' Maggie learn some? No reason I can't."
Shawn chuckled, but it wasn't light-hearted. "Yeah, that was… a different time. Dad mighta even taught ya himself if it was ten years ago. But there's jus' a lotta other shit that comes first these days."
Beth gazed down at her lap and listened to her brother sigh tiredly. Then she said, "That ain't really fair…"
To her surprise, Shawn didn't disagree with her, or tell her to stop acting bratty. Instead, he muttered, "No, it ain't. Yer right."
Beth looked up and met his eyes, finding something that might've been remorse. But she wasn't sure.
"Jus' be glad yer allowed ta see Jimmy. Maybe you guys can run off after graduation or somethin', get away from here," Shawn continued, and Beth was searching for any sign that he was joking. But his face was solemn. "Maybe you'll be able ta go to college… Jus' don't be like Maggie an' Glenn. I don't mean that in a bad way either, just – you deserve better than bein' stuck here, Bethy. And Jimmy ain't really the type ta handle this kinda responsibility the way Glenn does…"
Beth searched his face and asked, "You think I'd just up an' leave you guys like that? Maggie an' Daddy don't think college is really in the works right now, and I dunno where else I'd go… Me an' Jimmy don't really have anythin' else."
"Then ya gotta find somethin'," Shawn said. "I know you don't wanna leave, I know you think you'd be abandoning us. But we'll be fine. Me an' Mags took on everything so you wouldn't have anything holdin' you back. Don't let Mom an' Dad guilt you into staying… Maggie's just bein' paranoid. We're close, though. Yer almost done with school, we'll be there 'fore we know it. It's this last stretch we gotta get through."
Beth's heart had dropped down nearly to her stomach. She didn't like hearing her brother talk like this, especially when he was normally so optimistic and level-headed. She could hear the same dread in his voice that had been in Maggie's not too long ago. And the same glimmer of hope, too.
"Is all this about T-Dog?" She asked quietly, looking down at her lap, unable to meet Shawn's gaze as the words came out.
She heard him scoff. "What?"
"The shooting – whatever happened with all that," Beth clarified, glancing up at him hesitantly. "Is it… is everybody scared 'cause a that?"
Shawn's face grew solemn again and he didn't look away from his younger sister as he spoke. "That was just… one small part of somethin' a lot bigger. But nobody's scared, Bethy… We're bein' careful. That's all."
He seemed to recognize the disappointment on her face and added, "Wouldn't help nobody ta tell you about all that shit. Ain't no point in gettin' you all worked up over nothin'."
She furrowed her brow. "Who says I'd get worked up?"
Shawn shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. "You got enough ta worry about with honor roll an' all that academic shit – I might not agree with all of it, but I understand why Dad don't want you knowin' everything. Keeps you safer."
Beth rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest defiantly, gazing off toward the windshield in a half-pout. "Now you sound just like him."
"C'mon, you don't wanna know every little detail – ain't no use in pretendin' ya do," Shawn said, still staring at her as she refused to meet his eyes. "You an' I both know yer smarter'n that. If you really wanted t'know more, you would. Momma can't stop ya every time, neither can Dad… But some shit's jus' too heavy. So why take it on when ya ain't gotta?"
Beth blinked and turned her head to hesitantly meet Shawn's gaze, still frowning. "Then why do you? Ya ain't gotta. How could they stop you from leavin'? Or Maggie?"
Shawn smirked and shook his head, brushing off her ridiculous idea. "Ain't that simple, Bethy. You know that, too. 'M sure Maggie's told you more'n once… 'Sides, you think I'd just leave ya like that? Leave my family?"
Beth shrugged, but she wasn't shrugging off the validity of his statement. She pulled her beanie down over her ears again.
"Might not agree with everythin' Dad does, but I'll be damned if I ever disrespect him. An' abandoning him would be about the worst form of disrespect," Shawn continued. "He's done right by me. Done his best – by all of us. I owe him that much… Can't run out on the only people who got yer back unconditionally."
Beth pursed her lips but didn't look away from her older brother. She nodded weakly in understanding, even though she didn't really understand.
"Promise me somethin'," He added after a brief pause.
She raised her eyebrows slightly and waited for him to go on.
"Get outta here an' make somethin' of yerself, alright?" Shawn finished.
The sentiment would normally sound harmless. But something about her brother's voice sent a chill through her, and she couldn't help but sense the trepidation in his words. She'd never heard him talk like this before. But he and Maggie had been doing a lot of things they'd never done before…
"Okay," Beth said softly. "But you gotta promise me somethin'."
Shawn smirked and looked at her expectantly. "What's that?"
"Teach me as much as you can before I leave," she said.
He nodded, assessing her thoughtfully. "As much as I can… promise."
Beth quickly slipped off the gloves and held out her hand to extend a pinky. Shawn glanced at her hand and immediately leaned forward to extend his own pinky out and clasp it with hers. Normally, the gesture would bring her comfort, like it always had since they were little kids. But right now, all she felt in the pit of her stomach was a growing dread, and apprehension about something she couldn't identify.
"Promise," she vowed softly, then unclasped her pinky finger from her brother's.
But Shawn never got the chance to keep his promise.
to be continued…
A/N: The flashback takes place in February 2017 - about two months before Annette and Shawn were murdered. It's currently September 16, 2017. It's been exactly 3 weeks since the Greene Farm bust and about 2 1/2 weeks since Beth moved in with Daryl.
WOW, here we are at 40 chapters! I can't believe it. This story has become a passion project for me and all your follows and reviews have meant the world to me. I thought we'd be nearly done by chapter 40, but here we are and I'm not even halfway there. So I hope y'all are ready in for a long and wild ride ;) Love all your theories and questions and it only makes me more excited for you to see how I'm going to connect all these dots and weave all these webs together. Thank you for reading :)