Once again, thanks for all the kind words in your reviews! I'm really glad you guys enjoy the story!

It was the big day, the day he was released from the hospital. It felt almost surreal to be home again after almost two weeks. His house stood there, his Silverado parked right where he'd left it. Everything looked the same, as nothing had happened, as he'd been there the whole time.

Steve released a long sigh, staring at the front door of his house from the passenger's seat of Danny's Camaro. He knew that there were his family and friends behind that door. Little Joanie let him in on that secret the other day. He was really grateful for the support from his ohana, but on the other side, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to face them all at once. He wasn't sure whether he was able to wear a happy face mask for as long as they'll be all there. He didn't want to see the compassion in their eyes. He didn't want them to pity him and tell him none of what had happened was his fault. He wasn't sure he could handle it yet. Maybe it was a step too far, too soon.

"You know, I can still cancel that," Danny said, watching his friend intently. As though as he was reading his mind, Danny understood him without the words needed.

"Don't, I'll be fine," Steve replied, although unsure about it. He couldn't disappoint his ohana, but most of all, he didn't want them to be worried even more. And he was certain that if he didn't show up in there, they would definitely be worried about his mental state even more than now. No, he'd done this many times before, wearing a smile when he didn't feel like it was nothing new to him. He could do this, for them.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

Steve released another long sigh and put his happy face on before he pushed the door open. Almost immediately he groaned in pain as a small figure bumped into his stomach, wrapping his arms around Steve's waist.

"Uncle Steve!"

The smile on Charlie's face was worth letting them throw a welcome back party. "Hey, big guy," Steve hugged him back.

"Charlie, what did I tell you?" Grace scolded her little brother. "You're gonna hurt him."

"Sorry, uncle Steve."

"No, it's all right, buddy."

Steve straightened his arm as Grace approached him and joined them in a hug. "We missed you, uncle Steve," she said.

"Okay, you two," Danny said after a few long seconds, taking Charlie's hand. "Give your uncle some breathing space, okay?"

"So here is my boy," Lou showed up in the kitchen doorway, holding a hot pot in his hands. "Right on time. I've cooked my special chili, but don't ask me for my special ingredient."

"That's great because I'm starving, man," Steve lied. "You're the best."

"Well, I'd cook for you but you know…," Danny stepped in. "Someone had to give you a ride, right?"

"Are you jealous, Danny?" Steve grinned.

"No. No, I'm not jealous. Just saying."

"Definitely jealous, buddy."

Steve did his best to keep all the feelings at bay, keeping the mask and faked smile on the whole time, cracking jokes as nothing had happened. The whole Five-0 was there to welcome him back, Kamekona and Flippa surprised him by free garlic shrimps, his sister and little niece enjoyed his company after months spent apart. Even Duke and Noelani showed up to welcome him. And Eddie couldn't stop wagging his tail as he got some scratches and kisses from Steve.

His whole ohana was there. Almost. He couldn't help but think about one person missing there. Standing aside, his mind wandered back to the call he'd gotten two days ago.

"Hey, sailor. I hope I didn't wake you up."

"Cath, hey. No, I was awake. Actually, Danny's here, driving me crazy. So I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to."

"Good. I heard you're going home on Friday."

"Can't wait."

"So, listen," the tone in her voice changed suddenly. "I know I've told you I'll be back later but I got a call and had to leave on short notice. I'm sorry but I won't make it back until then."

Steve couldn't help but feel disappointed, no matter how hard he tried not to. He should have expected that. He hoped they would finish their interrupted conversation. But there was no point in doing it over the phone. "That's okay, Cath," he said.

"I'm really sorry, Steve. I'll make it up to you."

"Yeah," was the only thing he could say.

"I'll be in touch," she promised. "Do me a favor and focus on getting better."

"Copy that."

"You okay?" Danny asked, noticing that Steve zoned out again.

Steve nodded, staring outside the window. "It's Catherine, you know," he confessed. "I just wanted to talk to her about something but she left."

Danny nodded in understanding and opened his mouth to say something when Adam showed up with a beer in his hand. "Hey, you two. Are you hiding from us?"

Steve forced another smile, for the countless time that day and walked back toward the rest of the group. He would never say it could be so hard to smile. But he forced himself to do so, till all of his friends left, one by one.

Mary and Joanie were the last ones to leave, even though Steve insisted on them to stay. Mary knew Steve would prefer being left alone right now, so she booked a hotel room nearby.

Finally, he was alone, with only his best friend by his side.

Steve sprang upright in his bed. He was panting heavy breaths and his body was damp from sweat. After a few moments, his breathing began to slow down as his mind recovered from the horrors of his sleep.

It had been the same dream as before. The nightmare that he had nearly every night. Except that it wasn't really a dream at all. It was worse than that. It was a replay of the recent events of his life.

He closed his eyes and felt the throbbing in his head. Opening his eyes again he looked around his bedroom. It was still dark.

Steve got out of the bed and headed toward the bathroom to get some water. The inside of his mouth was so dry it felt like sandpaper. He poured himself a glass of water and downed it in two large gulps.

He closed his eyes again, but then immediately wished he hadn't as the images from his sleep tore through him once more. The cold stone floor. The inability to move. The fire burning him from inside. The feeling of the blade against his flesh, cutting into him. Catherine gasping for air. The sound of gunshots fired from his gun. The blood on Danny's shirt. Danny sliding onto the ground in a heap. The look in their eyes when they finally accepted what had happened. That he had tried to kill his best friend and a woman he loved.

He opened his eyes, escaping the nightmare. His hands were shaking. He felt dizzy and had to grab hold of the sink with both hands to stop himself from toppling over.

After a few deep breaths, he turned the tap and splashed some water onto his face, feeling his mind awaken as he did so. Snippets of memories continued to come back to him. Red Hill. The look of disappointment in Commander Jackson's face. The lifeless body of Lieutenant Matthew Harris.

He wished he couldn't feel emotions right now. But he was filled with so much guilt, shame, anger - so many feelings coming to the fore that he didn't know how to control.

A part of him even wished he wouldn't make it out of that hell hole where he spent four days as a prisoner. He would have deserved that. His father, his mother, Freddie, Joe. All of them died because of him. And just two weeks ago he almost killed Catherine and Danny himself. All the people he'd loved the most suffered because he was a part of their life. He felt like a monster.

Steve thumped the wall in frustration. And then again and again as his blood boiled in his veins. The skin on his knuckles split and his hand began to pound, but he was oblivious to the pain.

He took a few minutes to regain control of his trembling body and get the breathing under control. He hated who he'd become. Who she had made him become. He was not a good guy anymore and no one but he could see that. Why don't they see that?

Knowing he won't fall asleep again, he headed downstairs. When he was halfway through the stairway, he noticed the lights in the kitchen were on.

Suddenly, thoughts went trashing through his mind as what that could mean. He continued to walk downstairs, moving right toward the kitchen. It was only when he spotted a figure in the corner that he finally responded.

His training taking over, Steve was already moving into a defensive stance, when he realized the figure was Danny.

"Steve? Did I wake you up? You okay?"

"No, you didn't," Steve replied. "And I'm fine."

Steve suddenly felt foolish because of how long it had taken his mind and body to react to a potential threat. He'd got there eventually, but if it had been a real threat he would have been dead the second his head had poked around the door. No doubt about it. This just wasn't him at all. Had he really lost it that much?

"What are you doing here?" Steve asked.

Danny's eyes were red from exhaustion, lined by the dark circles. Steve could say he hadn't slept much, if at all. "Can't sleep?"

"No, I just… I was thirsty," Danny said, faking a smile.

"You're a terrible liar, Danny."

"Takes one to know one, right?" Danny answered, pointing to Steve's bloody knuckles. "You're fine, huh? Then what's that?"

"Nothing." Steve shook his head, he didn't want to explain the uncontrollable anger that had swallowed him upstairs. But judging by the glare on Danny's face, he didn't need to. His friend understood without any words necessary.

"Okay," Danny said. "We don't have to talk about it right now, all right? But I'm here if you want to."

Steve nodded, thankful for his best friend being around, thankful for not pushing him to talk. "I know, I appreciate it, buddy," he said. "Now, do you want to tell me about your dream?"

Danny hesitated, brushing a hand over his face. "I'm not supposed to make you worried now. It's not about me, I'm here to comfort you."

"Oh come on, Danny." Steve frowned, crossing his arms on his chest. He knew his partner. Steve knew he must have been through hell just as much as himself during his capture and near-death experience afterward. "It's about you as much as it's about me. This goes both ways. You've got something on your mind, I'm here to listen. You know that, right?"

Danny sighed in defeat. "Yeah." He opened the fridge and took out two bottles of Longboard, passing one to Steve.

"What? Did you really stock me up on beer while I was in the hospital?" Steve asked in surprise.

"Pizza and beers, remember?" Danny grinned. "I figured we might need a few of these at some point."

Steve smiled, he didn't mean it literally. But Danny was right, they could use a couple of beers, both of them. He leaned against the counter behind him, raising the bottle. "Salut."

"Salut."

After a few gulps, Danny sat up on the counter, staring at the bottle in his hands. "A hundred and fifteen seconds," he murmured.

Steve squinted his eyes and raised his eyebrow. "A hundred and fifteen seconds? What do you mean by that?"

"That's how long you've been dead for."

Steve's body stiffened with the mention of that. He immediately knew what Danny's nightmares were about.

"Well, the second time, to be exact," Danny continued. "Seventy-two seconds for the first time, but every second felt like an hour." He took a sip from his beer, still avoiding Steve's eyes.

"I thought I've lost you, Steve." Danny finally looked up and met his partner's eyes a few moments later. The pain in Danny's blue eyes was breaking Steve's heart.

"The EMTs, they… They were about to give up on you, to let you go. And… And I thought you were gone," Danny stuttered, his eyes becoming glassy.

Steve didn't know what to say. He couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Danny to watch his heart stop beating twice in a matter of a few minutes. After days of uncertainty about Steve's life, after Danny had found him just to die on him right after that.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, buddy," he said.

Danny nodded slightly. "In this dream, uh… Your heart never started beating again, you were just dead." He fought hard to keep the tears at bay. "And it was all my fault, you know?"

"Why would you blame yourself, Danny? If you weren't there, I'd probably be dead." Steve left out the part of him thinking about that option. Because some small part of him wished that was the case. But he pushed that thought aside for now, focusing on his friend.

"I shouldn't have left you alone, Steve," Danny said, his voice broken. "You were in no condition to be alone, let alone fight. I should have known you schmuck wouldn't stay put."

Steve couldn't help it, he grinned at the sound of an insulting nickname. Danny calling him a schmuck or an idiot was just their thing, it just meant Danny was worried about him. He wouldn't admit it out loud, but he missed their bickering and Danny calling him names and then denying being concerned.

"Is that funny now?" Danny barked. "You're unbelievable, Steven."

"No, no it's not funny, okay?" Steve protested, a grin still on his face as Danny's arms were flapping in the air. "It's just that… You said it yourself, Danny. It was my decision to go after Aaron. You can't babysit me and watch my every step."

"What do you mean I can't wa… I am your partner," Danny said, raising his voice. "I'm supposed to have your back. And what have I done? I let you walk into a trap, leading to your capture, I couldn't find you for four days, and then I let you get stabbed on top of that. What kind of a partner does that make me?"

"You, my friend, need to stop that right now," Steve objected. He couldn't believe Danny blamed himself for all that. It was Steve who had aimed the gun at him, it was Steve, who'd pulled the trigger and almost killed his partner. And yet, Danny found a way to blame himself somehow.

"You got me out of there, eventually, didn't you?" Steve said, placing a hand on Danny's shoulder. "There is no one else I'd rather have my back than you. I'm serious. You're the best partner and the best friend I could ever ask for. Without you, I'd be dead for years now. "

Danny gulped the rest of his beer and nodded. Steve did the same, watching his partner jump down from the counter, heading to the fridge again. The blonde detective took out another two bottles of beer, passing one to his best friend.

"To our friendship?" Danny said, staring into Steve's eyes.

"To our friendship. Love you, brother."

"Love you too."

It's been a week since Steve had returned home. His experience made him question his life. To question whether his life was really a life at all. This whole Five-0 thing had started with his father's death and the darkness seemed to follow him ever since. Like a rainy cloud above his head, following his every step. He'd lost so much and just when he thought he could be happy, something happened.

He couldn't stop thinking about the deaths he'd caused. The lives lost as a result of his actions. Just like his father, Joe died because of him too. It should have been him, the bullet was meant for him. His death shattered Steve's word, leaving an empty hole in his heart. It was like losing his father all over again.

And then there was Doris. Their relationship was never close, not even close to a normal family relationship. And everything that had happened to him, Mary, and their Dad, was the outcome of her decisions. So why was he hurting so much? Why was he still trying to justify her behavior? The thing was, she could have come home. And maybe she would, eventually. But he'll never know because he'd decided to go to Mexico and blow her cover, which was probably the reason she got killed.

I love you so much. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.

The words she'd told him when she was dying in his arms were now present on his mind all the time. She was who she was, but she was still his mother. And there was another hole in his heart after she'd died.

But as it was not enough, he got another innocent man killed just by being weak. Steve had never met him personally, not before he'd seen his body fall lifelessly on the floor, but his name was haunting him. Despite Danny's protests, he'd done a check on this sailor. Danny was there when Steve burst into tears after he'd done so. Just thirty-one years old father of a beautiful boy. The small kid was just another victim of Steve's actions. He was the one responsible for his daddy not coming home. Sometimes he could see the wide eyes of the boy, pointing his finger on him in his nightmares.

And the nightmares never stopped, they were always present. Sometimes all he could do was walk around the bedroom all night long, thinking about his failure. Sometimes he walked downstairs, where Danny had been usually waiting with a cup of tea. Sometimes he'd been sitting on the couch, pretending to watch TV, when Danny walked down the stairs. As he'd known that Steve couldn't sleep. Maybe he heard the steps in the room next to his, maybe it was an instinct, maybe both. But he'd always been there. Sitting next to him in silence, not speaking unless Steve wanted him to.

Some nights were worse than others, and this one was one of them. Danny offered to make tea for both of them, leaving Steve in the living room, his blank gaze fixed on the TV. He didn't really pay attention to what had been happening on the screen. He just kept staring at it, waiting for Danny to return from the kitchen.

The blonde detective approached him with a cup of hot brew, smiling at him.

"Thanks," Steve said.

Danny lowered himself into the couch, leaving his tea on the table in front of him. "Anytime."

Steve's mind was taking him to painful memories once again. It was probably the look on his face that made Danny break the silence.

"Is there anything good in there?" he asked, pointing at the television.

"I don't know. Probably nothing much at this time."

Danny nodded. "You want to watch a movie? I've rented the Child's Play I know you like that one."

Steve didn't listen. His mind was partially somewhere else, his eyes still on the screen.

"Steve?"

"Huh?" Steve brought himself back to reality and looked to Danny. "Sorry, did you say something?"

"Should I put the movie on?" Danny repeated.

"Yeah. Why not," Steve said, not really caring.

Danny was about to stand up when Steve turned his head back to the screen. At first, he just continued to ignore the moving images, but then a woman on the TV caught his attention. Steve couldn't help but stare. At first, he wasn't sure why. There was just something about her. And then it clicked.

Her long, dark hair. Her perfect skin. Those eyes. She looked just like her.

Steve's heart skipped a beat and he felt his hands begin to tremble. He could barely hear the sound of the porcelain breaking on the floor as he dropped his tea.

He was unable to take his eyes off the woman, all of a sudden oblivious to everything else around him. Within seconds, sweat droplets began to form on his body, the same way they did each time he slept. His mind began to take him to a dark place. That cell where Bennetts have kept him for days. The place where he'd almost killed two people he cared the most about.

A trickle of sweat ran down his cheek. His whole body was stiff. He was frozen in place, unable to move. A voice echoed in his head.

"Steve?"

As quickly as the nightmare had started, it began to fade.

"Steve? Are you all right?"

He looked at Danny standing right next to him with genuine concern in his eyes and took a few seconds to answer.

"Yeah." It was a lie. And Steve knew his partner won't buy it. He realized he was panting, struggling to keep his breathing under control.

"It's all right, buddy. You're all right," Danny soothed him, knowing instantly what was going on in his friend's head. He wrapped an arm around Steve's shoulders. "Just breathe," he encouraged him.

Steve didn't respond, he just stared at Danny, a blank expression on his face.

"What happened? You were talking to me and then…" Danny asked, sitting next to him.

"The news," Steve answered. "I thought I saw her."

Danny stared at the screen, trying to figure out what caused Steve's distress. It took him a few moments to notice that, but judging by Steve's reaction he assumed the woman on the screen had reminded him of Esther. The blood boiled in his veins when he'd thought about what she's done to his partner. Danny couldn't even imagine what Steve had been through that he panicked like that. He wasn't used to Steve being so vulnerable and just the thought of the reason made him physically sick.

As Steve struggled to draw air into his lungs, Danny placed his hand on the back of his neck, gently massaging him. It always worked for Grace and Charlie when they'd been upset. Steve's breaths slowed down a little, but his blank gaze was now fixed somewhere on the wall behind Danny.

"Look at me, buddy," Danny said, waiting for Steve to do so. "Good, that's it. It's not her, okay? You're all right."

Steve closed his eyes and focused on regaining control of his body.

"You're all right," Danny repeated. But it was a lie. Steve was far from being all right and Danny didn't know if he'll ever be all right after what he'd been forced to do. He blamed himself for the death of an innocent person, for almost killing Danny and Catherine, for going against his country's national security. Steve was a mess and Esther was in the wind. Nothing was all right.

"Danno?"

Danny snapped out of his thoughts, focusing on his friend.

"I know I told you to go home tomorrow, but…," Steve paused. "Can you stay a couple more days? Please."

A sad smile rose on Danny's lips with Steve's request. "I'm not going anywhere."

Of course, he wanted to stay with Steve, he wouldn't leave him alone in this condition. But the fact that McGarrett himself asked him to stay, that he actually asked for help made him sad and angry at the same time. This wasn't Steve he'd known for ten years and it was tearing his heart apart to see him like this.

"You're dead."

Steve's words shook him from the thoughts once again. He drew his eyebrows in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Every time I close my eyes, I watch you die," Steve whispered, his unfocused gaze locked in the distance.

It surprised Danny that his friend had opened up about this. But he believed it was a good thing for him to do so. He didn't want to push Steve to talk, but there seemed to be more on his mind, so he didn't say anything and just listened. It took a few minutes of silence for Steve to continue.

"Sometimes it's Esther who kills you, sometimes it's me. But you always die, right in front of me and I'm just watching. I can't move or speak, you ask me for help but I can't do anything but watch."

Danny noticed a single tear running down Steve's cheek, his body began trembling. He let his friend continue, squeezing his shoulder.

"I don't think I can do this, Danno," Steve said, turning to him. "I know it's not real, but I can't help it, it just feels so real every time. I can't lose you over and over again, I just can't."

"I know," Danny decided to step in. "I know, but it's not real. You can do this, all right? We can do this, together. I'm here for you, you know that."

Steve nodded, blinking away the tears. "You know, every time I look into your eyes I hear her voice in my head, repeating that same damn sentence, telling me to kill you and I can see my gun pointing at you and then…" Steve stopped, squinting his eyes in an attempt to drive the dark images away.

"Steve…"

"I know, I know. Not my fault, right? But the thing is I may not have known that I was doing it, but I did it. It happened," Steve protested. "I can't take it back now. How could I ever deal with that? What if you died?"

"But I didn't. Okay? I'm fine. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, but I promise it'll get better over time. You have to trust me, babe."

"I do," Steve answered after a few moments.

"Good," Danny smiled, locking his gaze with Steve's. He glanced over the watch, it was almost three in the morning. His mind whirled, trying to figure out what would make Steve feel a little better.

"You hungry?" he asked.

"Starving," Steve replied, forcing a smile. He seemed thankful for the change of the subject.

"Want me to make some pancakes?"

"At three a.m.?

"Yeah, at three a.m."

"With banana and chocolate chips?"

"Will you ever grow up?" Danny chuckled, rolling his eyes. "Sure, banana and chocolate chips it is."

*to be continued*

I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter focused on Danno & Steve.

For McRollins fans: Don't worry about Catherine leaving. She'll be back :)

I'd really appreciate if you found a few moments of your time to review.